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1994
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--LIT--.∙·∙
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Text File
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1994-09-06
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9KB
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335 lines
Mr. Boffo quotes up to 19/09/92:
If an invitation is yelled from a car, it's probably not R.S.V.P.
-Miss Street Smarts
So the raven says..."No way, Jose"
-Fast Eddy Poe
He doesn't look any worse than a wiffle ball.
-Dillinger's doctor, consoling family
Maybe it's MARS that's the round one...
-Columbus...Day 31
If it doesn't smell...you KNOW it's fresh
-Thomas McAnn
Works well under pressure
-One more thing you can say about my pillow
Did not...Did too
-Originally suggested title for F. Lee Bailey Autobiography
Lucky Monday
-Number one on list of concepts least likely to catch on
Have a nice day
-The Devil schmoozing
Eagle, beagle, seagull
-Webster on a roll
Too dumb to live
-Most ego-deflating jury verdict
Eek! A mouse
-One more thing Al Capone never said
Moonlight madness sale
-Marketing technique most frowned on by national society of psychiatry
That moment between the explosions and the blackouts
-The fun part of Hell
For pampering and personal attention, there's no place like it.
-Saint Peter
You can watch excessive amounts of television
-The dark side of heaven
The fatter the people, the longer the line
-One more thing Mister Wizard never thought of
He who controls the universe doesn't have to take any lip from the gas company
-Ming
There's no cure for freezer burn
-Nanook
Look very carefully and very cautiously before you so much as THINK about taking
even the most rudimentary leap...
-Ben Franklin-if he were paid by the word
I'm nothing without you
-Ed, the donut hole
Maybe it's VENUS that's the round one
-Columbus, four days out
Man born with antlers
-Final blow to the Haberdashery industry
Labelling PEOPLE is wrong...yet labelling CANS is right...where do we draw the
line?
-Projected Quayle quote (Fall 1993) based on current development
Johnny Vermont
-Number one on list od gangster names still available
Baboomf
-sound made when sitting that most clearly indicates a weight problem
The Golden Age of Comedy
-Political science textbook covering the years 1972-1992
Shuster
-Thom NcAn's nickname
Painful...burns...hurts bad...feels terrible...gives you a headache
-Other four choices to "Amore" from the song lyric "When the moon hits your eye
like a big pizza pie that's..."
If you can't write about something you know, write about things you know no one
knows anything about.
Recycled lead bullets
-the dark side of conservation
Is that a real gun?
-Number one on list of things people said that most irritated Billy the kid
An optimist says over-easy, a pessimist says upside-down
-The only truly unfluctuating rule of psychiatry
The Lord moves in mysterious ways
-One more reason he has a hard time finding chess partners
More, more, much more!
-The really rich at prayer
Let's call it a day
-Shop talk at the calendar factory
Crickets, crickets, all the time crickets...Don't they ever sleep!?
-Thoreau before the mellowing
They know where we live!
-The single biggest complaint about the I.R.S.
Fred Binkert, Neil Johnston, J.C. Powers, Willy Turner, Bobo Osgood, Augie and
Leo Merkle
-The real names of the seven dwarfs.
Put sand in your pants
-First thing they do when you get to Hell
No beachfront riding trails
-Everyone's biggest complaint about Alcatraz
The yellow covers in one coat, doesn't drip, and dries fast...I use it whenever
I can...
-Vincent Van Gogh
Here they come again!
-The most terrifying words in the land of the dancing giants
David Lynch, director of "Blue Velvet", "Eraser Head", "Twin Peaks", and
"Wild at heart" also designed and set up the guidelines for the Fed. & State tax
forms
-The only logical explanation
Wait until they take their hats off.
-The first thing a newborn pigeon must learn
If you can't beat 'em, kill 'em.
-Early Paleolithic business philosophy
Just once, I'd like to write and direct a movie made in Panama that's NOT about
hats.
-Lifetime dreams-Steven Spielburg
I don't pay any attention to polls
-Charles Manson
Wipe the word "dude" from your vocabulary.
-Best advice Quayle ever got
They cost more and they're less efficient
-The two main reasons why restaurants don't use dribble glasses.
Deal
-The first rule of cards
Do you have a permit for that?
-Last words most often heard by Billy the Kid
More for me!
-Ghandi's evil twin
We'll call you if it's ready sooner
-The seven words no mechanic worth his salt can say with a straight face
I took in $27.3 million this week and my cut was $156.60
-Bank teller
What do you mean WE!?
-A very fat person talking to himself
Give me chicken or tuna salad
-Patrick Henry's FIRST two choices
Hey, Chikie-baby
-Construction workers' guide to developing new relationships
No clumsy cord always underfoot
-Another great reason for being alive
Yo!
-The one thing Aristophanes said that most irritated Socrates
What's the hurry?
-Common saying before time began
I regret that I have but one life to give for my country...However I DO have
waterfront property, TWO homes and a large farm just outside of Boston
-Nathan Hale - The rest of the quote
Ever want something so bad you had to ask for it twice?
-The Sultan of Brunei
Probably just something they ate
-My grandmother explaining the mysteries of the Universe
I'm not wearing any underwear
-Donald Duck
Where will I make the most impact?
-Water balloon psychology
Plenty of great parking spaces
-The silver lining to mass layoffs
Shut up and eat
-Freud...before the glory days
We're not allowed to keep money
-The single underlying truth that no one is willing to admit
Put a sock in it
-The five words a winning trial attorney will never say to a judge
No, what I said was the Earth is a-round
-Columbus, during moment of self-doubt
Need salt
-The last thing you want to hear from the President during his state of the
Union message.
Padiddle
-The thing people said that most irritated Cyclops
Too bad it's always so hot...mints on the pillow would be a nice touch
-Satan
Even the mild is extra hot
-Things to know in Hell
Take the arrow...Tape the note to the arrow...Tie a rope to it...Then shoot it
across.
-Another way to tell when you're dealing with people who don't have a fax machine
Does he bite?
-Another way to tell when your date may not be a "ten"
Look guys, Sea World
-Noah
I just flew in from the coast...and BOY are my arms tired.
-Number one on jokes that fall flat when parrots tell them
Shout first and ask questions later
-First rule of marriage
Valuable coupons inside.
Tranlation: You may already be a winner.
So many pitchforks, so little hay
-Old McDonald in Hell
I'm not a real doctor
-The last thing you want to hear after 6 hours of surgery
Stay out of the sun
-Good advice for people...GREAT advice for ice cream
Drum solos
-The reason for fast-forward
Avoid eye contact
-First thing they teach astronauts about UFO and alien encounters
>Doesn't replace divots
>Poor tipper
>needs more work on backhand
-Three reasons milkmen could be turned down for parole
Why do they call you Frenchie?
-Another thing no one's ever said to Satan
Dale Arden, what a surprise
-Ming
We're having kryptonite tonight, but I made some chicken because I know you
don't like it.
-Mrs. Kent
Those springy eye-ball glasses
-A quick way to lose credibility
It's better to be the worst kind of chrondriac than any kind of zoid
-Carl Jung "25 simplified Psychiatric Tips"
Forget everything you ever knew about writing legible
-Rule number one, forger's handbook
Mister Blowtorch
-Cleaning agent with the most amount of bugs to work out
It was late...It was dark...Things happened fast
-Carl Sagan on the creation of the Universe
We're all just people shifting in timeless currents, ebbing and flowing from one
void to another hoping to find the shortest line with the fastest cashier
-Practical Keroak
I may go down as the worst President this country ever had, but I won't go down
broke!
Money is like food- You don't need it...unless you want to eat.
Hear the ocean
-Newest 900 number
Dopey little dope
-When it's O.K. to be redundant
Uncrinkle your money before you go in
-Tips on looking suave in fast-food lines
Easy to assemble
-Words you least want to overlook in the small print when buying a new car
Harvard Lite
-Options for students who don't want to carry a heavy load
Bell the cat
-Least viable solution to the S&L problem
Harry Hiccup
-The story on one man's struggle for dignity
Bad to the Bone
-Number one on Yanni's least requested tune list