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KRUEL Magazine - Issue #1 - April '95 Issue
=========================
KRUEL consists of: Negam
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KRUEL MAGAZINE #1 - TABLE o' CONTENTS
I. Greetings!
II. Fun W/ WWIV
III. A Legal BuZz!
IV. Comments
V. Where Can I Get More KRUEL Mag'z?
VI. Closing Remarks
VII. Information on KRUEL
VIII. Masturbation Information!
oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo
** DISCLAIMER **
This text file has been made for one purpose, and
one purpose ONLY, to provide information accessible
to those of interest. Anything tried from this
magazine is at the user's RISK. I cannot be held
responsible for any action taken from the absortion
of this information through human eyes.
I. GREETINGS! (By: Negam)
Well hello there,
Welcome to the first issue of KRUEL magazine.
I realize that there are numerous groups out there who delight in
whipping up a magazine with VGA/SB/etc., but i'm keeping this simple!
Sure I could make this all spiffy and give you an erection you'd never
forget - but i'd rather pump you full of JuIcY information!
So far, you could say that *I* am KRUEL, since
I am the only member. {Not that others haven't applied} If you're inter-
ested in applying for KRUEL, see section VII.
KRUEL will be putting out a magazine when it
feels like it. This first issue will be short & sweet. Expect a wealth
of informative information in the upcoming issues of KRUEL Magazine!
II. FUN W/ WWIV (By: Negam)
Want to really piss a SysOp off? What do you think is
a *real* SysOp's pride & glory when it cums to his/her bbs? Exactly,
the message section. Every real SysOp loves playing god over his/her
users, and watching them like fish in an electric aquarium.
Realizing that one can get in serious trouble for harming
one's system through virii & trojans {and I wouldn't want to advise
such a thing, now would I?}, there is an alternative to that type of
madness. I call it, FUN W/ WWIV.
Previously, I had published this advice in a past news-
letter of a group I was affiliated w/. It was my writing, of course.
Let me advise you on this simple <but effective> task.
Create a batch file. Make it look something like this:
P
FUCK YOU
YOUR BOARD FUCKING SUCKS!
/ES
Now, simply multiply this tactic throughout your batch file. A simple ex-
ample is as follows:
P
FUCK MY ASS WITH YOUR DONKEY COCK OF LOVE
WWIV IS SO PHUCKING PATHETIC!
/ES
P
PUMP MY ASS WITH YOUR BULLET OF LOVE
EAT ME
/ES
Repeat the above over and over. Let's explain how this works. When you're
on a WWIV board, simply ASCII upload this batch file (no, you don't run
it, stupid!) and watch the fun begin! Explained below:
P <-- posts a message
FUCK MY ASS <-- sample message for title of message
YOU SUCK SHIT FROM OXEN! <-- sample message for body of message
/ES <-- saves message
It is best to NOT select a WWIV editor, since this might fuck your
plan up. Be sure to insert little cute sayings such as:
P
I'm so fucking KRUEL!
KRUEL kicks ass!
/ES
We'd like that oh so fucking much! ASCII upload this at 14.4 or above,
and do it over and over, it will wipe the fucker's messages out!
YOU ALONE will dominate the message base(s) of your choice!
This is a nice trick to play on NET subs as well, since it pisses all
the net SysOps off, and gives the SysOp of the board you're on a shitty
rep!
Word to the wise: Try to take an interest in the board <fake it, man>
and complement the SysOp via Email. DOn't go kissy kissy ass kissy
or he might suspect something. Play a few onliners, post some kewl
messages <of a NORMAL nature> and be cool, hang out for awhile.
Then sprout your evil cunt all over his board with your ASCII trick!
Simple,and really fucking effective! Try this today!
III. A *LEGAL* BUZZ
Want to cruise somewhere in public and mellow your
tripped ass out? Follow my solution and when the
cop bugs you, tell him to FUCK OFF cuz yer gettin
buzzed a legal way!
Here's what you need:
Rolling Papers (Rolling Machine Optional)
Dried Catnip Leaves
Dried Peppermint Leaves (Optional - for taste)
Dried Spearmint Leaves (Optional - for taste)
Roll the dried catnip leaves <and other crap if you have
it> in a cigarette fashion inside the rolling paper.
Spark it up and smoke like a joint - holding the
smoke in your lungs as long as possible before
exhaling.
Catnip is a member of the Marijuana family, you'll
find that the smell is much like Marijuana (if you've
ever smelled it - of course I haven't, I'm a good
little warthog!)
It will mellow you out - but chances are it won't
-stone- you like weed will. However, rumor has it
that if smoked in large enough amounts, it can
produce mild hallucinations! Worth a fucking try!
As I stated above, Peppermint leaves + Spearmint
are totally fucking optional, but it'll flavor your
smoke, and make it nicer.
You can also use these in a water pipe <what a stupid
fucking disguise for the real name>, pipe,
aluminum can <for you desperate 'don't catch me
mommy' types).
For the bolder types, I present: ** HEAD TRIP **
The smoking mixture for those who really want
a kick ass smoke.
NOTE: Some of the substances in HEAD TRIP are poisonous.
The Catnip smoke mix above contains nothing poisonous
(unless you obtained the contents from a place where
they spray pesticides!)
HEAD TRIP:
You need:
Rolling Paper (rolling machine optional)
dry marjoram leaves
dry radish root (finely grated)
dry hemlock leaves
dry pokeweed leaves
dry belladonna leaves
Roll equal amounts of each plant into
the rolling paper.
Smoke like a joint. Advised 1 small hit per day
Smoking more is NOT advised.
IV. COMMENTS (By: Negam)
Blah Blah Fucking Blah.. ya ya.. there's porno hounds,
warez hounds, etc. lingering out there but where have
all the great information groups gone?
I'm not just referring to phreak/hack shit.. I mean
Information in general on fucking someone's life around,
tricks to piss off neighbors, all kinda shit.
I've seen some LAMEASS magazines floating around lately ,
And by LAMEASS I mean mags featuring kiddy shit like:
'places to hide porno mags from parents'
'how to steal your mommies cigarettes w/o getting caught'
'tips on crank calling'
'tricking the pizzy boy'
Give me a mother fucking BREAK! What is this shit?
Granted, this 1st issue of KRUEL doesn't have much,
and it sure left my penis soft and limp, but give
me a fucking break!
Let's get together and get some good shit going here!
Oh, I fucking forgot.. Everyone's going the Internet
way now.. Well why don't we just all plug our cocks into
the government's giant ass -- enough holes!
Well well well.. so you say you're a smut hound? A ware
hound? Well suck my throbbing cock, you muther fucker!
I recommend using the FUN W/ WWIV plan, it'll piss off a lot
of people and better than that : THERES NO WAY TO STOP
YOU FROM DOING THIS! Try to up your posts per day and shit
so you can post away! If you try this trick andyou're
limited to like 10 posts per day -- and you get noticed
doing this -- chances are your ass is grass.. Oh! One
more thing - never use your real information. Some
teenage shits out there never seem to get this through
their fucking skulls.. Even if you have to use
BEAVIS as a handle, and JOHN HIGHFELT as a bullshit
name <John Highfelt is a fag! Name recommended for use>
, so much the better - FUCKING DO IT!
Hi's and Ho's to all you motherfuckers out there still
bold enough to drive out magazines with REAL information
and not just flash VGA/SB shit.. Fucking become an
ART group if you wanna pump that alley..
V. WHERE THE *FUCK* CAN I GET KREUL MAGS? (By: Who the fuck do ya think)
Well swabbie, you're in luck! Where you d/l'ed this
file, chances are someone who uploaded it either:
(a) Is interested in it
(b) wants to fuck my ass
(c) is jealous of my cock ring
or
(d) all of the above!
I do not distribute my mags, since I get my little
niggers (no offense to you NIGGERS out there) to
do it for me (pats on the head to you little niggers
out there).
However, chances are, where you see it, is where you
will find more. Why is this? Due to those of you
out there who did this tactic of uploading my past
newsletters/magazines/articles/etc. to boards so
others could read, some continuously upload to
boards..blah blah.. u get the fucking idea.
VI. CLOSING REMARKS (By: You should know by now, loser)
UpCUMMING KRUEL magazines will provide you with
a WEALTH of information! Why don't they now?
First fucking issue, shit for brains! And right
now time permits me a short magazine, that's
why you need to apply! I need a few good
niggers [I love that word! Nigger, nigger, nigger!]
to assist me in my daily fetishes.. oops wrong
topic. Another story.
Look for KRUEL shit on COOL boards near your anus.
VII.. INFO ON KRUEL
KRUEL was forged in April '95 by none other than
my little ass. [yes, I have a little ass, are you
jealous? Do you want it with your hungry cock?
I bet you do. And if you do. SUCK ME., Cause
I hate faggots. Faggots are as bad as niggers.
Fuck they both go in the same fucking category!]
KRUEL is looking for members who are eager to please
<me> the bbs community. Please, let's not have
applicants who are wanting to discuss porno shit,
warez b.s., hacking, phreaking, and all that
shit I could care less about.
BBS world needs more.. oh fuck it, i'm a voice
in the crowd, you know what I have to say,
cause I'm the almighty penis, and I have
came my whale slobber in your ears..
BURN MOTHERFUCKER! Join KRUEL today!
And become one of the many happy gerbils out there
waiting slinky cocks!
VIII. MASTURBATION INFORMATION.
Oh shit, I feel myself getting a Woody! Ok.. Let's face
it, we all masturbate. FUck, I love it! There's nothing
like a warm wet tight pussy <or a loose one if thats
all there is to take> handshaking your cock, but when
you cant get this or you're in a burger king bathroom
and cant afford to ravage mrs.fatass behind the counter,
here's some personal experiences that can heighten your
pleasure!
1. Your Anus And You: You've never experienced true
masturbation until you've finger fucked yourself while
yanking on your pud! Sounds faggish? Never! This is
your own body, and there's no dick nearby <at least
I hope not! FAGGOT!> Yes, I assume your ass is tight,
and it will hurt a little, but once you shove your
finger in deep enough, you'll get used to it, and you'll
reach a part where it feels so good, you'll want to
orgasm every time with your finger(s) up your ass!
It's helpful to start out with some lubrication.
KY jelly is preferred, but vasaline will do.
When beating off, slide a finger lubed up
your ass, but just a little. Get used to
the feeling, and don't focus on the pain.
Eventually your finger will slide so far
that you'll begin to feel the pleasure.
Enjoy!
2. Pillow Friends: No money to buy a pocket pussy?
No money to buy a flintstones wilma doll? Well you
can fuck your pillow! Simply cut a small hole in
the end, and fuck away! Push the pillow up to
yourself with each thrust and enjoy the feelings.
You can do the same w/ your bed, but after a few
spring marks it gets to hurt.
3. Pussy substitutes: Mr. Pumpkin. Take a pumpkin,
make a hole big enough for your cock to go through,
(but not so wide that you can't feel the sides
rubbing your cock upon entry & withdrawl.) slide
your cock in the hole and enjoy! Feels OH so good!
Mrs. Meat. That's right, you may have
a pussy in your fridge and not even know
about it! Go grab a package of baloney,
heat it up in the microwave until warm
(NOT hot) spread some mayo on it (best foods)
heat the mayo up until warm, now curl around
your cock tightly and jack off. Not as good
as mr.pumpkin, but who knows - you may think
so!
4. Your Anus + You - Advanced: I've found so many
wonderful pleasures with my anus - you just wouldn't
believe it! I wouldn't imagine shoving a cock in me,
since I'm not a fucking queer.. but self ass fucking
is nice. (fucking a chicks ass is nice as well OH YEAH!)
many things can be used. Preserve a banana so it stays
together and stiff -unbreakable- and lube it.. that
feels GREAT.. many so many possibilities. Look around
your house for more ideas!
*** There are so many more things to say when it cums
to beating off, but I will end here. Look for future
installments of this section! Happy masturbating!
I have to do it right now - I'm so fucking hard!
I think i'll do some anal tricks - i'm up to 4 fingers!
it feels SOOOOoOOo good!
--END OF MAGAZINE--
Look for Issue 2 CUMMING soon!
CopyShit (c) 1995 KRUEL Kinda Shit, INC.
(iNTERNATIONAL NETWORK OF SALTINE CRACKERS!!!)
pir8 groups suck throbbing fagg0t cock!
so do all you p0rn0 h0unds!