Even though a fellow was late for his flight, he dashed into the
airport men's room, pissed,and quickly headed for the door. At one of
the sinks a Marine sergeant was washing his hands. The Leatherneck called
to the man, "Hey, buddy, in the Marine Corps they teach us to wash our
hands after going to the bathroom."
The fellow stepped back into the men's room and looked at the Marine.
"Well, I was in the Navy, Sarge, and they taught us not to piss on our
hands!"
.............................
Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best
friend asked him how it went. "The first night we did it nine times,"
Bill said."The second night, eight times. The third night, seven times.
The fourth night, six times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth
night, four times, and the last night, nothing!"
"Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
"Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
.............................
Question: Why wasn't Christ born in Mexico?
Answer: Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
..............................
A woman walked into a bar carrying a bar carring a duck
under her arm. The local drunk saw this and asked, "Say there,
whatcha doin' with that pig?" "That's not a pig, stupid!" she
said coldly."That's a duck." "I know," replied the drunk. "I was
talking to the duck."
...............................
A foxy young lady was having trouble keeping boyfriends after the
first date, so she decided to go to a doctor to find out what the
problem was. The doctor asked her to take off her clothes and lie on
the examining table. He checked her pussy and, finding nothing wrong,
asked her to roll over and spread her ass. After checking her asshole and
again finding nothing wrong, he told her to sit up so he could examine
her mouth.
Upon looking into her mouth he exclaimed, "You've got the worst case of
Zacklies I've ever seen!"
"Zacklies?" she said, puzzled. "What's that?"
"Your mouth smells zackly like your ass!"
....................................
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down
to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. fascinated by what
he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then
took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping
a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show
someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before
he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head
with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you
about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"
..................................
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the
desk, the receptionist asked "Yes sir,may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go
outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with
your ear or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The
receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your
ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.
...................................
A conductor, while taking tickets on the train, noticed a lady with
a small and extremely ugly baby on her lap. "Lady," the conductor said,
"that is by far the ugliest baby I have ever seen."
The woman, horrified by the conductor's comment, began screaming at
him, and demanded that her money be refunded and the conductor be fired.
The head conductor then came into the car and tried to smooth things
over.
"Listen, lady," he said, "if you will forget all about this matter,
I'll see that you get the best treatment possible, I'll give you your
money back, and I'll even try to find you a nice, ripe banana for that
monkey of yours."
...................................
An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an old Western
town when he noticed a curious lack of women.
Walking into the local saloon he asked a cocky shitkicker,
"What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?"
"Ya mean women?" asked the shitkicker. "We ain't got none. 'Round
here folks fuck sheep."
"That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of
such moral degredation."
However, after a few months, the correspondent's rocks were beginning
to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive.
So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her
back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair.
After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber
and released his pent-up frustrations.
Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a
drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell
over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.
"You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've
been fucking sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me
like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!"
One cowboy in the back of the crowd spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the
sheriff's gal!"
..................................
There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who said to his girl, "You`re a tight one."
She replied, " `Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There`s plenty of room in the right one."
.................................
The nipples of Sarah Sarong,
When excited, are twelve inches long.
This embarrassed her lover
Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong.
...............................
There was a young man of Nantucket
Whose prick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it."
...............................
There was a young sailor named Bates
Who did the fandango on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
...................................
"My back aches. My penis is sore.
I simply can't fuck any more.
I'm dripping with sweat,
And you haven't come yet;
And, my God! it`s a quarter to four!"
..................................
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
And loud was his mirth
For on all of the earth
There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.
................................
There was a young lady from Cue
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They`ll pay to get out of it too."
..............................
RODNEY JOKES...
"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."
"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."
"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room."
"I worked in pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."
"One year they wanted to make me poster boy.. for birth control."
"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof"
"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair."
"Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them.? He said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor.. so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark..."
"When my old man wanted sex.. my mother would show him a picture of me."
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next tuesday"
"One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!"
"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an axe!"
"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"
"This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me."
"They say..Love thy neighbor as thy self...What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?"
"At christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open. Boy..what a present he gave me!"
"My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dogs bed...Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh."
"I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me."
"My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg".
"A girl phoned me and said..Come on over there's nobody home. I went over....Nobody was home!"
"If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all."
"I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said.. Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said.. No.. I hate myself now."
"My girlfriend was no bargain either. She used to braid her armpits.
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she wore a CROSS YOUR THIGHS bra."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won first prize."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that...I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint. A saint bernard!"
"I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me.. What'll you have? I said..surprise me. He showed me a naked picture of my wife."
" During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel."
"My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with her boyfriend."
"One day..as I came home early from work..I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy..Hey buddy..why are you doing that for? He said..Because you came home early."
"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."
"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie."
" My dentist found a new way to cover up his bad breath...he holds up his arms"
"My dentist has bad breath......Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings."
"My psyciatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him.. If you don't mind I'd like a second opion he said..Alright..you're ugly too!"
"I was so ugly..my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!"
"And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy..I'd have nothing to play with!"
...
.....a Frenchman, an Italian, and an American were talking about
sleeping with their wives the night before :
The Frenchman said "I made love to my wife 4 times last nite,
and in the morning she said 'There is no other man that can satisfy
me like you'".
So the Italian said "I made love to MY wife SIX times last nite,
and in the morning she said 'You are the best lover in the world'".
The American said "I only made love to my wife once last nite".....
....and the Italian asked him "what did she say in the morning?"
And the American said "She said DON'T STOP !"
...
What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs????????
CUNTS-WAY-LOW!
...
What is the specialty these days of Ukranian prostitutes?
.....A GLOW JOB!
...
BASEBALL QUIZ: WHO HIT THE MOST HOME RUNS??????????
HENRY AARON.
NUMBER 2: WHO HAS THE MOST BASE HITS??????????????
PETE ROSE.
NUMBER 3: WHO WAS HIT IN THE FACE BY THE MOST BALLS?????????????
ROCK HUDSON!!!
...
Did you hear about the new stamp commemorating prostitution?
It's a 22-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it's $1.00.
...
WHAT IS TATTOOED ON NANCY REAGAN'S CHEST?
A: "FRONT!"
...
Do you know the difference between Jewish wives and Gentile wives?
Gentile wives have real orgasms and fake jewels.
...
MALE FLY TO FEMALE FLY SITTING ON A PILE OF SHIT.
"IS THIS STOOL TAKEN?"
...
In his later years, Thomas Edison was a renoun philanthropist.
At one time, he went into the Indian territories to see that they,
too could enjoy the advantages of the electric light.
With his own hands, he brought electricity to the Indians! He even
put electricity in the Indian out houses.
In so doing, he became the first man to wire a head for a reservation.
...
Why is it, that when the Reagans do "IT", Nancy has to be on top???????
Because Ronnie can only fuck up!!!!!
...
Why was Raggedy Ann kicked out of the toy box?????????????
She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face and murmering, "Lie to me!"
...
How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her!
...
A BEAR AND A RABBIT WERE IN THE WOODS AND THE BEAR ASKED THE RABBIT,
"TELL ME MR. RABBIT, DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SHIT STICKING
TO YOUR FUR?"
"NO I DON'T" REPLIED THE RABBIT.
SO THE BEAR PICKED UP THE RABBIT AND WIPED HIS ASS WITH IT.
...
New ad campaign for Tampax:
WE MAY NOT BE NUMBER 1,
but we're right up there!
...
If a male sheep is called a ram
and a donkey is called an ass
why is is a ram in the ass called a goose?
...
Where do cantaloupes go for the summer???????????
John Cougar's melon camp
...
Have you heard about the new Jewish Radial Tire?????
It not only stops on a dime...it picks it up!
...
NOT EVERYONE CAN PLAY TENNIS.
IT TAKES FUZZY BALLS.
...
How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb????
Light bulb? That's a hardware problem.
...
How many Southern Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb????
Southern Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs
...
What do you call hemroids on a faggot?
Speed Bumps?
...
What do you call a leper in a bathtub?
Stew
...
What did the leper say to the hooker?
Keep the Tip
...
WHAT DOES THE S.S. ENTERPRISE AND TOLIET PAPER HAVE IN COMMON?
THEY BOTH CIRCLE URANUS AND PICK UP KLINGONS...
...
What do you call a Chinese 69?
Two-kan-chu !!!!
...
YOUR AMERICAN GOING INTO THE BATHROOM....
YOUR AMERICAN COMING OUT OF THE BATHROOM....
WHAT ARE YOU IN THE BATHROOM?????
.
EURO-PEAN
...
I KNOW A GIRL SO FRIGID WHEN SHE OPENS HER LEGS THE LIGHT COMES ON.
...
why are
JEWISH MEN CIRCUMSIZED?
JEWISH WOMEN WONT TAKE ANYTHING UNLESS ITS 20% OFF.
...
WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CROSS A JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCESS WITH A
COMPUTER?
YOU GET A COMPUTER THAT WONT GO DOWN.
...
A student was running out of time to write his last two term papers so
he pleaded with his mother to write his US history paper but she said,
"no, I can't do it.It wouldn't be right." To which the student replied,
"Yes,but you could at least try."
...
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIBERACHE' AND RONNIE REAGAN?
REAGAN'S AIDS HAVEN'T KILLED HIM YET.
HA!!!!
...
These two Polack junkies score some smack. Right in front of the
pusher, they cook it and begin to shoot up.
The first Polack shoots and then passes the needle to the second
Polack, who sticks himself without benefit of alcohol or anything.
"What're you guys doin!" the pusher says, "don't you know that's how
you get AIDS?"
"Don't worry about that," the first Polack says, "we're both wearing
condoms!"
...
GUY WALKS INTO A PSYCIATRISTS OFFICE SAYS "HEY, I'M A WIGWAM, HEY,
I'M A T.P."
DOCTER SAYS "CALM DOWN YOU'RE TWO TENTS!"GET IT( TOO TENSE,TWO TENTS)
...
HOW ARE MEXICAN WOMEN
AND GOALIES ALIKE?
THEY BOTH CHANGE THEIR PADS AFTER THREE PERIODS...
...
TOP TEN WAYS LIFE WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF DOGS RAN THE WORLD
