> Formatted in 80 Columns and Lower Case for your damn printer! <]
4/03/86 - 9:41 PM PST.
Introduction:
The Telephone is possibly the most useful device ever invented for the
Anarchist/Prankster. With it, you can effectively terrorize a person or
permanently ruin his/her life forever, quickly, easily, anonymously, and without ever leaving the comfort and privacy of your own home. It can open up new vistas in entertainment and bring hours of fun. Outlined herein are several Krackartist favorit
es for phone terrorism, and general cranking. The usual disclaimer applies: they are intended for informational purposes only, and we take no responsibility for whatever happens to the victim or the perpetrator. [But, don't let that stop you!]
Case History:
The Victim: Bob Retard <not his real name>, 22 years old - such the
pozer, Nerds use him as a guideline. Let me describe Bob Retard in greater
detail...For one thing, Bob was a Mormon, and that was bad enough, but his
appearance was even worse. He was weak and skinny. Bob always wore the same
old, pale-blue fishing hat no matter where he went. He probably wore it to over up his greasy hair; it looked like he hadn't washed it since 1974, (but, was always afraid to look any closer than I dared) and it looked like he combed it back with his c
lumsy hands. I don't think he had shaved in as long either, because he had this stubble growing on his face, like a slime mold. He had an
annoying, pimply little voice, like his nose was stopped up with mucus or something. And around his neck was a whistle and a light-meter (we never could figure those out), and strapped to his hip he always carried a 99 function scientific calculator
IN A HOLSTER! (Can you believe it?) Maybe he wanted to be ready to do numeric battle or something, I don't know. In his shirt pocket, he had a leather pocket-guard with an assortment of multi-color pens and mechanical pencils. I got the impression th
at his mother (who must have been a Helen Keller clone) had dressed him. You could spot him anywhere, whether riding his
bike (him and that bike!), or on rare occasions cruising at a speedy 15 MPH in his sporty 1969 Ford Falcon. Honestly, I cannot help but make a comparison in my mind between him and Pee Wee Herman (I detest that little prick!) because they looked and a
cted exactly the same; the only difference being that Pee Wee does it on purpose. In short, Bob was an ugly mother-fucker, and probably a genetic reject. Infact, everyone in his family was a genetically defected Bob clone! But, he was generally harmle
ss and so everyone picked on the spud.
So one week, we decided we'd pull some cranks on ol' Bob Retard and some people picked at random, just for phun. First, we decided to send Bob a few pizza's at his expense, of course!) So we calmly called up every pizza place we could find that de
livered. Rebel told 'em he was Bob and if they asked for a phone number, he gave 'em Bob's, number that rang forever, or even a local BBS's modem number (it doesn't really matter since they never call anyway). He ordered the same thing at every pizza
place: 2 large pizza's with everything on them and 3 large cokes (in case he got thirsty). The bill was about $15 for each order. It must have been pretty surprising that every half hour a pizza delivery car came to his house for a total of 8 large p
izza's and 2 large cokes! Too bad none of the Vietnamese restaurants here deliver, or else we could have sent him roast dog (yum!) The next day, it occured to us that Bob had stayed in that house too long (poor Bob never went anywhere), and that a tr
ip somewhere (it didn't matter where, Anywhere!) would be his chance to get away from it all. So we called taxi services (we wanted to give him a variety) to come and pick him up at his house and take him to the airport! Then we decided he should ha
ve the choice of going in style and luxury, so in addition, we called 2 limousine services and arranged
for a third to pick him up the next day (in case he pissed the opportunity the
first time.) The bill came to about $60 or so. Unfortunately, he didn't leave.
I wonder if he got the clue?
Rebel suggested the possibility that Bob's house was infested with fleas and
ticks and maybe even termites. So, just to be on the safe side, we called a
termite inspection company to come check out his house. (We're so considerate,
don't you think?) They said it would be $70 just to show up. It seemed like a
fair price to us, so we (or rather, Bob) agreed and said we'd have a check
ready. When we called the friendly neighborhood pest control and told them about
Bob's flea and tick problem, and made an appointment a few days in advance for
them to put a tent (a fucking tent!) over his house and fumigate it. It would
cost around $120. When Bob was approached by the termite inspection guy, he
told him that he hadn't called him, that it was probably a practical joke Bob's
so swift!) and turned him away, like he had the taxi's, the limo's and the pizza
delivery's. Needless to say, they were all very pissed (and some were even
heard to utter some verbal execrations at Bob).
But, we weren't finished yet! Bob's life was infinitely too boring and we
took an in depth study on just what it was he did for 'entertainment'), so we
thought a brand new video recorder would be just the thing. We called up a
local TV shop that also sold video recorders. What kind would we get? Nothing
but the best for our buddy Bob! Spare no expense! Rebel talked to the salesman
and asked about the best VHS unit we could get - one with remote control and 8
hour quality recording, 14 day programmable timer, LED and digital display and
all that kind of good shit. That was the unit we wanted - it would cost about
$700. After some more talking and an extra $50 fee, we convinced him to come
over to Bob's and deliver it, C.O.D. in a few hours. Joking "do you guys accept
cash? Everyone's using Credit Cards these days," made our story a little more
credible. Be calm, polite, sound a few years older than you really are, and be
able to B.S. your way through things in a am, and that's the key.
Finally, about this time, we decided clumsy Bob had locked himself out of his
house (Oh, dear!) So Rebel called 2 locksmiths (2 locksmiths is good for
effect) and told 'em he was Bob, calling from a neighbor's house and that he had
just locked himself out of his house. We told 'em it was a deadbolt lock and to
bring the heavy equipment. Each locksmith would charge a $35 fee just to show
up, and extra to work the lock. That was reasonable, and afterall, poor Bob was
locked out of his house and it was getting dark! I bet they were surprised to
find Bob open the door and meet them! I bet Bob was more surprised to learn he
had been locked out of his house!
We pulled a few more stunts on him that go without mentioning, like ordering
a Garbage Truck to come pick up tree limbs and assorted refuse, and calling
another service to re-pave his driveway. But, I'll save those exploits for
later. At the end of the week-long terrorist spree, we added up the damage, and
compiled the following list (figures are approximated):
