The Unsorted BBS Collection/thegreatunsorted.tar/thegreatunsorted/misc/fart.txt

Text File | 1992-02-09 | 26KB | 467 lines

                              FART DICTIONARY



THE ALARM FART.
         This is a good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It start
with a loud unnaturally high note, wavers like a siren, and ends with a quick
downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is
wrong. If it happens to you you will know right off why it is called the Alarm
Fart. You will be alarmed. The alarm fart however is rare.

THE AMPLIFIED FART.
         This is any fart that gets its power more from being amplified than
from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time. So
will a plywood table, and empty fifty gallon drum, a tin roof, or some empty
cardboard boxes if they are strong through being amplified in this way can be
called an Amplified Fart. These are common farts under the right conditions.

THE BATHTUB FART.
         People who would never in their life know one fart from another, who
would like to act like fart don't exist, will have to admit that a Bathtub Fart
is something special. It is the only fart you can see! What you see is the
bubbles. The Bathtub Fart can be either single or multiple noted and fair or
foul as to odor. It makes no difference. The farter's location is what does it.
Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong and one big bubble. Or there may be a
ping ping ping and a bunch of bubbles. The sound I should point out depends
somewhat on the depth of the water and even more on the tub. If it is one of
those big old heavy tubs with the funny legs you can get terrific sound
effects. While one of the new thin ones half buried in the floor can be
disappointing. But either way, as long as the water is deep enough, whatever
the sound, up comes the bubble or bubbles and you have to be quick but glance
back over your shoulder and you have seen it, the Bathtub Fart, the most
positively identifiable fart known to man. It is a common fart and strictly
group one unless you are a kid still young enough to take baths with your
friends.

THE BIGGEST FART IN THE WORLD FART.
         Like the great bald eagle, this fart is pretty well described just by
its name. This can either be a group one or a group two fart and can occur just
about anywhere. I heard it one time, a group two identification, in a crowded
high school auditorium one night, right in that silence that happens when a
room full of people has stopped singing the Star Spangled Banner and sat down.
It came from the back. There was not a soul in that room that missed it. A fart
like that can be impressive. The most diagnostic characteristic of the Biggest
Fart In The World is it size. Fart freaks who go around showing off, farting
like popcorn machines and making faces before they fart or asking you to pull
their finger and then they fart, never have what it takes for this one, which
is rare even among your most serious farters.

THE BURNING BRAKES FART.
         A silent fart identified by odor alone. Usually and adult fart,
occurring while the adult is driving a car or has a front seat passenger who
farts. The Burning Brakes Fart actually does smell a little like burning brakes
and seems to hang around longer than most farts Which gives whoever farted a
chance to make a big show of checking to see if the emergency brake has been
left on. When he finds it hasn't you know who farted. A common automobile fart.

THE CAR DOOR FART.
         Either a group one or a group two fart. Very tricky. It is meant to be
a concealed fart. A matter of close timing is involved, the farter trying to
fart at the exact moment he slams the car door shut. It is usually a good loud
fart. It is one of the funnier farts when it doesn't work, which is almost
every time. It is a desperation fart and not too common.

THE CELESTIAL FART.
         Not to be confused with the Did An Angel Speak Fart, which is simply
any loud fart in church. The Celestial Fart is soft and delicate, surprising in
a boy or an adult. It is probably the most shy of all farts and might be
compared with the wood thrush, a very shy bird. It does not have the sly or
cunning sound of the Whisper Fart. It is just a very small clear fart with no
odor at all. Very rare.

THE CHINESE FIRECRACKER FART.
         This is an exceptional multiple noted fart identified by the number
and variety of its noises, mostly pops and bangs. Often when you think it is
all over it still has a few pops and bangs to go. In friendly company this one
can get applause. Uncommon.

THE CROWD FART.
         The Crowd Fart is distinguished by its very potent odor, strong enough
to make quite a few people look around. The trick here is not to identify the
fart but the farter. This is almost impossible unless the farter panics and
starts a fit of coughing or starts staring at the ceiling or the sky as though
something up there fascinates him. In which case he is the one. Very common.

THE DID AN ANGEL SPEAK FART.
         This is any loud fart in church. This fart was first called to my
attention by my father. He probably read about it somewhere. For fart watchers
who go to church, this is a good one to watch for as this is the only place it
can be found.


THE DOG DID IT FART.
         It is necessary for a dog to be around for this fart to occur. People
who fart and blame it on the dog when there is no dog within miles are making a
travesty of the whole fart identification business, which is difficult enough
as it is. This is always a silent fart but one with an odor you could blame on
a dog that was dead. The farter tries to blame it on the dog. He will even go
so far as to run the dog out of the house. Do not be fooled. When a dog farts
it will usually grunt too. It may even get up and walk away. This is what you
should do when you have identified a Dog Did It Fart. They are vile.

THE DRUM ROLL FART.
         Some people might want to put this fart under the general heading of
Musical Farts but I for one have never considered the drum very much of a
musical instrument. It is a multiple noted fart of the same tone or pitch
farted very fast. It sounds more like a real drum roll when now and then the
farter happens to throw in a rim shot at the end, but you can not expect this
every time. It should in no way be confused with the Chinese Firecracker Fart,
which is by far the more colorful of the two, although the Drum Roll Fart is
much more rare.

THE ENGLISH FART.
         A very classy fart. The sound alone distinguishes it from all other
farts. There are some who will say that this is a put-on accent, but that is
silly. when it comes to farting no one goes around sounding like an Englishman.
It happens or it doesn't. The sound it makes is, "thip". Sometimes it will go
"thip,thip". It is unmistakable. It is probably as proper and upper class as a
fart can get.

THE EXCLAMATION FART.
         This is a punctuation fart. Timing is the whole thing. The farter, or
someone, must be speaking. For instance, the speaker will say, "Ah,shut up!"
and then someone will fart a loud sharp fart. This is a true Exclamation Fart.
If the speaker is also the farter he may delay his fart until the right moment
and then force it for all he is worth. If it works it is still a true
Exclamation Fart, although more often than not it is an accident and for this
reason rare.

THE EXECUTIVE FART.
         A very loud clear fart by a very important person is an Executive
Fart. It is either sharp or flat, somewhat off key, but otherwise a very
business-like fart. No nonsense about it. But no one is supposed to notice.
Particularly the farter. If you do not laugh at the Executive Fart this is
either because you are scared of the person who farted or because the fart is
so gross. Common with very important people.

THE FIRE FART.
         There is probably no other fart about which there is more confusion or
which has as many other common names It has been called the Scorcher Fart, the
Burning Britches Fart, the Solar Fart, the Natural Gas or Front Burner Fart and
other names. But its correct name is simply the Fire Fart. It is called this
because of the sensation it gives the farter when he farts. It burns. For this
reason it is mostly a group one identification fart. People can make all kinds
of faces when they fart. A look of pain when a person farts does not
necessarily mean the have farted a Fire Fart. Some people look pained when the
fart any kind of fart at all. But as a group one fart there is never any
question about it at all. You will wonder sometimes if it smokes. The only way
this can be a group two identification is if it is confirmed. You have to say
to the one who farted, "Did that fart burn?" If they say yes, you have
identified and confirmed a group two identification Fire Fart. This will not
happen very often. But this can also lead into the question of whether farts
actually burn or not. If you say to someone who has farted, "Did that fart
burn?" they are apt to try and turn the subject away from themselves and start
an argument. "Farts don't burn, you dummy," they will say. Then if you say that
as a matter of fact a fart will too burn, they will argue back that while a
fart is gas it is not the kind of gas that burns, or that there is not enough
gas in a fart to burn, or that you are weird. I have seen people who know
nothing about the subject at all get quite hot about it. Anyone who does not
believe that a fart will burn, should check it out with Joe Brantly, who is by
now pretty well known throughout all of Baldwin County Alabama as Blue Flame
Brantly. Try and tell him that a fart won't burn. He has stopped trying to deny
it. There were witnesses. About ten of them. The way it happened was this. Blue
Flame Brantly is a big football player with a very hairy ass. A nice guy they
say. Easy going. So one day after football practice the team was back in the
locker room and Blue Flame Brantly had just got out of the shower (only he was
known as just Joe Brantly then) and was drying himself off and some wise guy
wondered if the hairs around his ass would burn, wet as they were. Joe had one
foot up on the bench and was bent over looking at a bad case of athlete's foot
he had and this wise guy sneaked up behind him with a cigarette lighter. They
say that Joe should have noticed how quiet it got right then in the locker
room, but he didn't. He was bent way over looking at his athlete's foot.
Worried about it probably. Anyhow, with all those people watching, just as the
kid clicked his lighter and it lit, Joe Brantly farted a big one. And it
burned. Ten people or more saw a long blue flame shoot back at least three
inches from his ass. I was not there myself. But I have talked to some that
were, and they swear it happened. Not only did the fart burn with a long blue
flame, but it caught the hair around his ass on fire and he had to beat it with
a towel to put it out. There may still be some people who believe that a fart
will not burn, despite this true account. I could tell them to go ahead and
test it for themselves, but due to danger it is probably best to stick to
identifying the Fire Fart as a group one fart only and to let it go at that.

THE FIZZLE FART.
         A very wet fart. The sound is "f-z-z-z-z" or "f-s-s-s-s". It is almost
a fart that fails, but not quite. There is an old saying, kind of a rhyme,
which I have never heard all the way through, but it is about an old lady who
"...farts and fizzles and rots her pants..." The fizzle mentioned here is the
Fizzle Fart we are talking about. It is not always an old lady's fart, but it
is always on the damp side and sounds like it. This is a common fart with
senior citizens and people who eat fast foods.

THE FRENCH FART.
         Said to be the most beautiful of farts. Usually in a minor key. Soft
and musical with many half-tones. Any long drawn out fart that seems beautiful
to you is most likely a French Fart. Very rare.

THE GERMAN FART.
         If you hear a fart that makes you think of a dog it is probably the
German Fart. It has either a deep growling or a low barking noise, or both. It
comes from deep inside and never seems to get all the way out. Still it can be
loud and frightening to small children. The odor varies, but not much, as it is
one of the rank ones every time.

THE GIRLS DON'T FART FART.
         Any fart by a girl. A girl can fart a fart that will shake the walls
or blow little birds right out of their nests, but the girl will never give a
sign. You are supposed to ignore it. It may be hard to do, but you better do
it. With girls this is the most common fart there is.

THE GOING UP STAIRS FART.
         A one in a million fart and one of my favorites. This fart breaks on
each step as the farter goes up a short flight of steps. Not a step is missed
when it is a true Going Up Stairs Fart. It is probably caused by being a held
back fart and the action of going up some stairs cuts it loose. If the fart
goes up a note with each step you have the Musical Going Up Stairs Fart. There
is no fart more rare than this one.

THE HAIR-TRIGGER FART.
         Another fart that hardly needs to be described. There is no one that
lives and farts that does not know from experience what this fart is like.
There is no sign it is on its way. Suddenly it is there. Just barely held back.
Like a sneeze about to be sneezed. You know that any movement at all, even a
thought, could set it off. And sure enough that is what will happen. A group
one identification only. Very common.

THE HARD-BOILED EGG FART.
         Odor alone identifies this fart. It stinks of sulfur. Due to the
sulfur content of hard-boiled eggs. While it is true that powdered sulfur will
keep redbugs away when you are out in the woods it is not true that a few
Hard-boiled Egg Farts in the evening will keep a whole camp site free of
redbugs for the rest of the night. What it may do is keep the camp site free of
other campers for the rest of the night.

THE HARVARD FART.
         The Harvard Fart is different from the English Fart in two ways.
First, the sound is different. More of a "thap" sound than a "thip". The other
difference is the way the farter acts about it. With the English Fart, the
farter always acts as though nothing has happened. But a person who farts a
Harvard Fart will give a sign. He will smile. Or nod. As if he has just heard
from God.

THE INCENSE FART.
         A potent fart. do not be fooled by its name. It is only called the
Incense Fart to be sarcastic. What happens is that someone farts in a crowd. A
vile one. Since it cannot be ignored someone will say, "Ah, how lovely;
Sandalwood? Jasmine? Gardenia?" Or whatever your favorite incense may be.

THE INSPIRATIONAL FART.

         The sound of this fart may best be described as like organ music.
However, in my opinion only someone really into farts would actually find this
fart inspiring. Still, a sound like organ music is quite a fart, and if it
actually gives you goose-flesh at the time it is probably safe to put it down
as the Inspirational Fart. Rare.

THE INTERROGATORY FART
         This is a fart that seems to ask a question. Ends on an up note. Seems
to say, "Oh?" or, "Well?" It can be a very silly fart when you are alone. As
though you are having a conversation with your own ass. Fairly common.

THE JUBILATION FART.
         Generally the Jubilation Fart can not be told safely from an
Inspirational Fart except by an expert. Both farts are hard to believe. Like
the hippopotamus and the rhinoceros. In the short time a fart lasts it is
always hard to make up your mind which one it is. If you suddenly saw a
hippopotamus or a rhinoceros for as short a time you would probably have the
same trouble. The rhinoceros is the one with the horn at the end of its nose.

THE JUNK FART.
         This is a fart that we could just as well do without. It comes from
eating junk and it sounds like it. A "pish-wish" sound. Like a swinging door.
As farts go there is really nothing to it. It comes chiefly from eating at a
fast food restaurant. It can happen while you are still there. Still eating.
It's that quick. In and out, no waiting. The same as the service they
advertise. This fart is way too common.

THE KAMIKAZE FART.
         Sometimes called the Suicide Fart or the Killer Fart. Kamikaze is the
correct name. (Kamikaze means divine wind. For a fact.) It wipes out everybody.
The farter in every case will have a crazy look about him. This is one of the
ways this fart can be identified. The farter will be wiped out too. Any person
who farts a Kamikaze Fart and brags about it is a fart fanatic and probably
dangerous in other ways.

THE KINKY FART.
         A person who farts while kissing another person has farted a Kinky
Fart. This is a rotten thing to do.

THE KIPLING FART.
         The origin of this fart is interesting, if true. It was supposed to
have happened at the University of South Alabama. What happened was that a
strange professor was talking to another professor one day who happened to be a
great one for making jokes and the strange professor said, "Do you like
Kipling?" And the joker said, "I don't know. How do you kiple?" And the strange
professor said, "Like this." And then he farted. This fart has a "kiple" sound.

THE LISP FART.
         This is a fart that is funny in any situation. Even alone. It is
simply a fart that lisps. You will know it when you hear it. It can be
particularly funny, a group two identification, when the farter happens to be
someone who also lisps when they talk.

THE LOOSE BOARD FART.
         The Loose Board Fart has to sound squeaky, like a loose board you have
just stepped on. Some people call just any fart a Loose Board Fart. Just to
have something to say. These are the same sort of people who say the dog did it
when there is no dog in sight. Listen for the squeaky, creaky sound.

THE MUD SUCKER FART.
         The most gross sounding of all farts. It sounds like someone with his
foot stuck in the mud slowly pulling it out. Identification is positive by
sound alone. No other fart makes a wet sucking noise. Fairly common with
tootsie roll eaters.

THE MUSICAL FART.
         This is a special category. All Musical Farts do not necessarily sound
musical. This may seem odd, but that is the way it works. Who would think, for
instance, that Spanish moss is related to the pineapple? But it is. All Musical
Farts are rare, and identification is often a matter of opinion.

THE CLASSICAL FART.
         Loud and soft, loud and soft. Goes on when you think it has ended.

THE HARD ROCK FART.
         A highly amplified musical fart. Can make a dog howl with pain. The
farter doesn't care if you like it or not. You may not think it is musical but
he does.

THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER FART.
         This is one of the few farts that can bring tears to people's eyes and
lumps to their throats and otherwise get them all stirred up.

THE WHA-WHA FART.
         This is not a baby fart. The wha-wha is an electrical gadget worked by
a guitar player's foot that makes an electric guitar make weird wha-wha sounds.
Not all people would call the sound musical.

THE NATURAL GAS FART.
         Another name for the Fire Fart.

THE OCTAVE FART.
         Some people would put the Octave Fart under musical farts. This would
be a mistake but some will do it anyhow. All small birds that look like
warblers are not warblers. Some are vireos. The Octave Fart goes under "O". The
sound of this fart is one note going up or down a full octave, quick or slow,
loud or soft, major or minor. This may be a hard one to identify for a person
who does not know what an octave is. Rare.

THE PING-PONG BALL FART.
         An unusual hollow sounding multiple noted fart. Sound alone is
diagnostic. It sounds like a ping-pong ball which has been dropped on a table
from several feet up and then bounced until it fell off. There can be quite a
wait between bounces. This is probably the most rare of all multiple noted
farts.

THE POO-POO FART.
         This is a fart by a very small kid. The kid farts and then says, "Go
poo-poo now." And somebody takes him and he does.

THE QUACK-QUACK FART.
         This is a silly name for a fart. A lot of people will call it the Duck
Fart. But it is important to remember that this is a double noted fart. And
while quack-quack is the sound a duck makes and the sound of the Quack-Quack
Fart, there is nothing to stop a duck from going quack just once, not twice. So
that is why it is called the Quack-Quack Fart. Just to be exact. Fairly rare.

THE QUAWONK FART.
         Somewhat similar to the Quack-Quack Fart. Mostly because of the Q
sound. Very few farts have a Q sound. But the Quawonk Fart is single noted and
far more soft and pleasant sounding than the Quack-Quack Fart. If you will say
quawonk softly to your self, that is the sound.

THE ROVER FART.
         Commonly called the Dog Fart. However a Dog Fart is actually a fart by
a dog. It is beyond the scope of this work to go into all the animals farts. (I
have been told that a mule fart can blow down a barn door and that pigs all
fart like they are popping bubble gum, but none of this may be true.) Sound is
diagnostic in identifying the Rover Fart. Any barking sound will do. "arf arf"
or "ruff ruff" or "woff woff." Even "bow-wow", although a fart that goes
"bow-wow" would be a pretty far out fart.

THE SCRATCHASS FART
         Surprisingly this is the only really dirty name for a fart in this
whole work. But it is the right name all right. The action of the farter is
diagnostic. He has farted and it itches. He just has to scratch. As a group two
identification you have to make certain first that the person scratching his
ass has really farted. Some people have a habit of scratching their ass about
every five minutes. Common.

THE S'CUSE ME FART.
         This rare fart excuses itself as it is farted. It is about as close to
words as a fart can get. The sound it makes is like a little soft whisper that
says, "S'cuse me." The most polite of all farts and very silly when you are
alone.

THE STRING OF PEARLS FART.
         A most unusual and perfect toned fart. Round clear evenly spaced
notes. This one is really a beauty. Very rich ladies would like to fart this
one every time they could. Very rare.

THE TALKING FART.
         This unusual fart sounds like it is imitating human speech. About the
way a parrot does. Only the Talking Fart does not really say a thing. People
will look at you and say, "What?" All you can ;do is shrug or look dumb.

THE UNMENTIONABLE FART.
         A tricky one to identify, even though it is probably more common than
anyone wants to admit. It all depends on the situation or who farted. I will
give some examples. You are alone with your girl friend and she farts. Or you
do. It may be loud or rank or both, but either way it is unmentionable. Or you
are in the principal's office and there is just the principal and his secretary
and you, and you didn't fart but somebody did. Much as you might like to say it
wasn't you that did it, you know better. Either the principal or the secretary
probably feels the same way. But the other one is very glad that the
Unmentionable Fart cannot be mentioned. Or they would lose some Brownie points
for sure.

THE VENDING MACHINE FART.
         Very similar to the Car Door Fart, only here the farter tries to
conceal his fart by making a lot of racket getting some gum or candy from a
vending machine. He will even pound and kick the machine for some time after it
has given him his gum or candy bar, waiting for the fart to happen. This
usually doesn't work much better than the Car Door Fart, yet people, kids
especially, will keep trying it. More damage is done to vending machines this
way than anyone realizes.

THE VOLKSWAGEN FART.
         Any good strong fart in a Volkswagen in the winter or anyhow with the
windows closed is the deadly Volkswagen Fart. It can strangle people. While I
am generally in favor of people farting whenever they have to fart, they really
should try not to fart in a closed Volkswagen. It would be nice if this were
one of the rare farts but it isn't.

THE WHISPER FART.
         This is an eased out fart that really works. Not everyone can manage
it. It takes control. It is one of the most sly and cunning farts there is. You
will know the sort of person who is most apt to fart the Whisper Fart. He will
be sneaky about everything. This can be a hard one to get on your list.

THE XMAS FART.
         The Xmas Fart is any ordinary fart that is farted at Christmas. That
is the only special thing about it. That and the fact that it is a fart that
starts with the letter X. An example of the Xmas Fart happened with me at
school. It was not Christmas but the last day of school before Christmas. It
happened in Mrs. Schlotsheimer's class. I was sitting at the back of the room
right next to Harold Tabor, just the two of us alone. Being so close to
Christmas I was sitting there singing Christmas carols in my head and not
paying much attention and without thinking I farted a loud one. A regular
firecracker. Head turned all over the room as can be imagined. I had to think
fast. Hark the herald, I said. And I pointed at Harold. Everyone thought that
he was the one. Harold is crazy about puns but he was not so crazy about that
one.

THE YOGA FART.
         This rare fart is a fart by a person sitting with their legs crossed
thinking very heavy thoughts. The chance of a group two identification on this
one is pretty slim, as who wants to hang around a person sitting with their
legs crosse▓hthinking very heavy thoughts. If it is a group one fart and you
are really into Yoga then you should not even notice that you have farted. This
could be a tough one to get on your list unless you or your friends are pretty
weird.

THE ZIPPER FART.
         This is the only fart that starts with the letter "Z". It goes
"Z-z-z-zip." It hardly sounds like a fart at all. As a matter of fact there may
not even be such a fart.