Cuteskunk BBS/cuteskunk.zip/cuteskunk/Text-Files/Toxic-Shock/088

Text File | 2003-06-29 | 11KB | 192 lines

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  ..:::::::::::::..      ::::    ::::                   The Driver
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 ::     :::::     ::      ::::::.                   By Gross Genitalia
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         :::                  :::::::                 Toxic File #88
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        :::::             :       ::::        Centre of Eternity/615.552.5747
        ::::: oxic       :::.....:::: hock           HQ of Toxic Shock
      .:::::::.           ::::::::::                40 megs  750+ files
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Looking through some old junk in the attic, I found some old shit from when I
took driver's ed some years back. Oh shit, at the memories it brought.

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Pop question: If you are driving through an uncrowded intersection, and a
      nigger on a bicycle darts out in front of you, which of the following
      should you do:
    A) Slam on brakes and hope not to hit the kid,
    B) Swerve into the left lane, if nothing is coming and honk the horn, or
    C) Accelerate and plaster the nigger across your windshield and rack up a
       good 500 points.

While watching all those fucking boring gory movies, I would have chosen C,
but the driver's ed teacher didn't particularly like me and the dude sitting
next to me, so we told him to fuck off and go molest his children.

We had this particular Elvis craze going, and were always striving to top
each other for the best "Elvis Crossing" sign. On a number of occasions, I was
threatened with being thrown out of the class. I usually told the teacher to
go fuck a ten foot tall gorilla in heat.

But honestly, if you pay any attention to the movies they show (which I rarely
did), none of the people drive and act like this. I mean, if some bitch rear-
ends you on the entrance ramp to the interstate, you're not going to get out
of the car and start exchanging information and waiting for the cops to arrive.
You're more than likely going to get out, bust the bitch's windows, drag her
out of the car by the hair, rape her if she isn't an AIDS-infected slut, and
then beat her with whips and chains, steal her purse (credit cards, checks, and
cash all included), and drive the fuck away. If they want us to see driving in
the real world, why don't they show us the facts, not the goddamn Brady Bunch?

Looking a little further, I found some notes we had made from group discussion.
I tried to recall everything that happened, with a little difficulty, but it
went something like this. We had watched a film about some typical drunk
driving bastard speeding down the road at night, with the typical bastard
friends sitting in the car going "FASTER FASTER FASTER" as if they were all
back there conducting an Adam and Eve orgy (refer to "The Fetus" for further
details). And of course, dude wrecks the car, kills eight people, and sits in
court looking pitiful and stupid. So the judge sentenced him on 3 to 5 years
for each of eight counts of vehicular manslaughter and some other shit. We were
then divided into groups to decide our own punishments for this dumbass fuck.
Needless to say me and the dude I sat next to were NOT put in the same group.
First listed is our group's decisions (mostly made by *ME*, the God), and
then are the punishments by the other dude's group. I have left out some
personal things none of you would understand much less know what and who the
fuck I was talking about.
______________________________________________________________________________

[Our group's decisions]
[Please excuse the reference to Christina, we always made her out to be an
 Ax Murderess.]

The drunk driver will serve 40 years in prison, on 5 years for each of
eight counts of vehicular manslaughter. He would not be elegable for parole
until his 24th year. After he eventually gets out his license will be suspended
for 5 years. In this 5 years, he will be sentenced to community service work.
He will be on probation for 10 years after he is out.

He must attend at least three (3) of the following: Alcoholics Anonymous,
   Harriett Cohn, Cumberland Hall, and the Betty Ford Clinic.

If this doesn't prove effective Christina Chester will chop off his left hand
   and foot and taunt him with pictures of Elvis and make him listen to New
   Kids on the Block for five (5) years.

He must sing Led Zeppelin lyrics for three (3) years.

He must wear a black crystal to bring bad luck and go on the Rotation Diet. If
   the diet fails, he must become a vegetarian and shave his head.

As an alternate punishment, he will be fried in a G.E. Toaster.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Other group's punishment]

This punishment will go in five (5) phases.

PHASE 1: His license will be revoked. He will be thrown into a cage with a
         horny gorilla. He must wear a sign that says "I killed 8 people!"
         He will be made a roadie on the New Kids world tour. On Friday and
         Saturday of every week, he must spend time in jail with a large
         convicted rapist. Make him wear bell-bottoms and platform shoes.
PHASE 2: [A normal phase] He will go to jail for two (2) years.
PHASE 3: He will be the testing tool for Mary Kay Cosmetics for 6 months.
PHASE 4: Every person in China gets 6 swats at him with a horsewhip.
PHASE 5: He will be publicly hanged. It will be able to be seen on a
         pay-per-view basis, consult your local cable company.
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Additional punishment if any of the two above plans, whether instated
separately or used together, tend to fail:

The prisoner will then be locked in a room with the "Fine Young Cannibals"
   and be forced to converse with them about Lesbian Rights Activist Groups
   across America, play Barbie Dolls and hopscotch, jump rope, and engage in
   various kinky acts.

The accused will then be put on a firing squad, offered Tombstone Pizza and a
   napkin, and then shot. Each of the executioners will wield AK-47's, and none
   of them will be loaded with blanks.
_______________________________________________________________________________

The rest of our time was spent sitting in class discussing TV commercials and
loudly exclaiming, "Mom, can I ask you a personal question? Do you DOUCHE?"
"Why of course, but I only trust Massengill vinegar and water."

It's really a sad shape to see driver testing in different states. While in
Florida, you undergo a sensible and REAL test, in other states such as
Tennessee all you have to do is drive around the block. It's no wonder we have
so damned many traffic accidents each year.

Another pop question:
  In the event of a skid, you should:
     A) Turn the wheel in the direction of the skid,
     B) Turn the wheel opposite the direction of the skid,
     C) Perform your own version of Swan Lake with your car while in the skid,
     D) Jump out of the car and hope to land on something soft, or
     E) Steer carefully and take down as many mailboxes and old women as you
        possibly can before recovering to make the whole damn thing look like
        a really bad accident.

I remember myself arguing with the teacher over those stupid drug and alcohol
chapters. God it's great to defend mary jane in a driver's ed class with all
these little Christian Fundys sitting around completely appalled.

I remember watching some movie called like "A Decade of Highway Death" or
something. It was from some highway safety place in Ohio. Ohio residents, I
highly recommend this movie. HAHAHAHA shit, you see some bitch plastered to
the railroad tracks, they try to lift her, her head falls off, and you find
out it's your Aunt Bertha. So THAT'S how she got killed... and your mother told
you she died of a severe yeast infection and itched herself to death. What a
shame. If you want to see some REAL contortionists, watch this movie some time.
One bitch was flung from her car, most all the bones in her body were broken,
blood and shit was all over, and man, I don't see how ANY human could wind up
in THAT position. Heh heh... and the teacher asked me out of curiosity how I
liked the movie. HAHAHA... I told him I loved it, especially when they peeled
that bitch up off the railroad tracks. It's great to be me.  I could solicit
money by offering the "Be Gross Genitalia" two-week mind programming kit but
I don't think many of you would fall for that. If so I'll get an address to
you and you can send me some money for me to play with.

Also, I recall watching that film while the state trooper was there. He was
talking something about brakes locking up and only 6 to 21 inches before you
hit the car in front of you or something like that, "6 to 21 inches of
INSTANT DEATH." Oh SHIT... he obviously must have been improvising on a Long
Dong Silver movie... shit at  21 inches I think Long Dong would be quite
impressed. He also told us how he had just returned from California and was
submitted for AIDS testing by the state. I could have said some wonderfully
crude things to the son of a bitch but hey, I didn't feel like tangling with
the really BIG gun he was packing... oh shit, that sounded sick... maybe *I*
need to be submitted for testing... nah, not really.

The best part about driver's ed was turning up some rap tape I happened to
have with me, rolling down the windows, and driving through the projects.
Ha! There's no fear like having eight of the darkest niggers you've ever
seen line up in front of a driver's ed car and yell at you. That is, unless,
you *ARE* one of the darkest niggers you've ever seen in which case all the
brothers will laugh at you, slide you a quarter bag, bust out the left rear
window, rip off the "student driver" sign and steal the hubcaps. Of course if
you were in that shape I don't think welfare would pay for a driver's ed course
so I better shut up before I get too racially prejudiced and downright crude.

Before I go any further, I must ask myself a question. Why in the hell am I
writing a file about driver's education? Oh shit, I MUST be desperate.

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(c)untslapped July 1990. Toxic Shock / Gross Genitalia. #88.

Remember that Fetus is seeking more Chosen Ones. Apply at Centre of Eternity.

"I love the taste of puppy spit... especially after it LICKS ITS CUNT!"