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COBAIN.TXT
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1995-01-31
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This note should be pretty easy to understand. All the
warnings from the Punk Rock 101 Courses over the years,
it's my first introduction to the, shall we say ethics
involved with independence and the embracement of your
community has been proven to be very true. I haven't
felt the excitement of listening to, as well as creating
music, along with really writing something for too many
years now. I feel guilty beyond words about these things,
for example when we're backstage and the lights go out
and the manic roar of the crowd begins. It doesn't affect
me in the way which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed
to love and relish the love and admiration from the crowd,
which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is,
I can't fool you, any of you. It simply isn't fair to you,
or to me. The worst crime I can think of would be to pull
people off by faking it, pretending as if I'm having one
hundred percent fun. Sometimes I feel as though I should
have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on-stage. I've
tried everything within my power to appreciate it, and I do,
God believe me, I do, but it's not enough. I appreciate the
fact that I, and we, have affected, and entertained a lot
of people. I must be one of the narcisists who only
appreciate things when they're alone. I'm too sensitive,
I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasm.
But, what's sad is our child. On our last three tours, I've
had a much better appreciation of all the people I've known
personally, and as fans of our music. But I still can't
get out the frustration, the guilt, and the sympathy I have
for everybody. There is good in all of us, and I simply
love people too much. So much that it makes me feel too
fucking sad. The sad little sensitive unappreciative pisces
Jesus man. I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful. But
since the age of 7, I've become hateful towards all humans in
general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get
along and have empathy. Empathy only because I love and feel
for people too much I guess. Thank you from the pit of my
burning nauseas stomach for your letters and concern during
the last years. I'm too much of a neurotic moody person and I
don't have the passion anymore, so remember, it's "Better to
Burn out, than fade away." Peace, love, empathy, Kurt Cobain.
April 5th, 1994
z