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coolusers.txt
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1996-04-30
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WINDOWS 95 WILL HAVE THE COOLEST USERS EVER
REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In order to calm growing impatience among PC users
concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system,
Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls the "Cool User Program for
Windows 95." To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at whi
ch time he will be placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user will then
re main in a state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95
ship date.
"We expect the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint
themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset
of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95," explained a Microsoft
spokesm an. These may include "the OJ Simpson trial ending, another
momentous Congressional election, faster-than-light travel, and possible
leaps in human evolution."
Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area will
be needed for the storage facility. "We have chosen the state of Utah,"
stated Microsoft, "because nobody lives there, anyway." Spokespeople for
Novell and Wordperfect were reached for comment on this remark, but their
words were not suitable for publication.
IBM Corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft promotions
with competitive offers for their own OS/2 Warp said they would not be
matching Microsoft's Cool User program. "Freeze people? What for? Warp
has already been shipping for months," said a source who asked not to be
identified. Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's
plan as a "bold, innovative" move. In columnist Michael S. Brown's
opinion column "M.S. Brown Knows" which appears in PCWeek, Brown claims,
"IBM has missed the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy. Users
clearly want to be frozen in liquid nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like
units for an indeterminate amount of time." Michael S. Brown made
national headlines three years ago when he claimed that if "Windows NT
didn't completely replace DOS in six months" he would chain himself to
grating comedian Gilbert Godfried. Today he clarifies that "I didn't say
WHICH six months."
The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be online August 1, 1995,
but users wishing to beta test the system may do so for a reduced fee of
US$3,000.