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File HUMOR00B HUMOR@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU is an unmoderated INTERNET forum for sharing all forms of humor. As of 15 September 1993 the average number of posts is 15 (weekends have light traffic and Tuesday-Thursday have heavy traffic. There is an international audience (1500 subscribers from at least 34 countries). To be automatically subscribed send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUB HUMOR YourLastname YourFirstname. Contributions are sent to HUMOR@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU. For owner assistance write BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU. Description: HUMOR is a forum for sharing all forms of humor, including anecdotes, quotes, jokes, and wit. HUMOR is restricted to posting humor; humor of all types, topics and tastes may be posted. Proper use of the subject line eliminates nearly all complaints. Always include your theme in the subject line. Optionally, warn about sensitive content. If the humor is potentially offensive, include a warning in the subject line (for example, risque, adult language, graphic language, gender sensitive, racists or ethnic material, sexually explicit, sick or gallows humor). While many people may wish to subscribe to this list purely for entertainment, the purpose of the list is to provide a lively body of contemporary humor for people who study humor or who use humor professionally. Discussion should be directed to other lists. Reactions of any kind including questions, objections, praise, comments and corrections should be sent privately to the original sender, not to the list, not to the owner. The listowner challenges rules violation via private mail. Please be congenial with contributors who follow the rules. Personal attacks directed against a member of the list are seriously prohibited. List rules: 1. Only humorous material should be posted to this list. 2. The theme must be clearly identified in the subject line. 3. When there is potentially sensitive or offensive content (topics, themes, or words), a warning is required. 4. Posts should be shorter than 50 lines; HUMOR will not accept posts longer than 99 lines (headers and signatures count in the total). If you would like to share a larger file, especially collections, please post a sample of that file and offer to accept private requests for the complete file. 5. Discussion, requests, criticisms, questions should be posted privately to original sender; not to HUMOR. 6. There is a limit of one post per person per day. A post may contain multiple examples of humor. 7. No personal attacks against members of the list. The existence of HUMOR depends of subscribers following these rules. To determine your HUMOR list options send the command QUERY HUMOR to the LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU You may leave the list at any time by sending a SIGNOFF HUMOR command to LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU The amount of acknowledgement you wish to receive from this list upon sending mail to the list by means of a SET HUMOR <option>, where <option> may be either ACK (mail acknowledgement), MSGACK (interactive messages only) or NOACK. You have three mail options: MAIL, NOMAIL, and DIGEST. The default is MAIL. DIGESTs are mailed once a day for those members choosing that option. NOMAIL stops all mail from HUMOR, but you are allowed to post humor and to retrieve archived files. Contributions sent to this list are automatically archived. You can obtain a list of the available archive files by sending an INDEX command to LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU Files can then be retrieved by GET HUMOR <logname>, or using the database search facilities of LISTSERV. Send an INFO DATABASE command for more information on the latter. The following files are the content of HUMOR log00011 thru log00015. Please understand that these files contain uncensored material, unmoderated contributions, i.e., there are duplications, misspelling, and a wide variety of tastes in humor. Some obviously inappropriate material (requests for subscriptions, etc.) has been deleted. HUMOR011 ======== Date: Wed, 19 May 1993 21:47:45 -0400 From: DHALPERN@DREW.BITNET Subject: Fag Jokes (R) Why do so few homosexuals play the flute? They're always forgetting to blow instead of suck. What's another name for Aids? Goner-rhea. or Anally Inflicted Death Sentence. What's Preparation H? Dingleberry Jam What did the lesbian gas station attendant say when the leggy blonde pulled in? Mind if I check under your hood? "Mommy, one of the kids at school called me a sissy." "So what did you do, Benny?" "I hit him with my purse!" If you get malaria from mosquitos and lyme disease from ticks, what do you get Aids from? Asshoppers. Two homosexuals were out driving one weekend, and when Jerry's hand slipped between Kevin's thighs, Kevin got distracted and ran right into the truck double-parked in the right lane. "You blind idiot," bellowed the burly truck driver, jumping out of the cab and stalking over in a rage. He escalated into a string of epithets and obscenities, finally leaning into the window and screaming, "And you can kiss my ass!" in Kevin's ear. "Now you stop that talk," admonished the fag, who until then had remained silent through the whole tirade. "This is no time to make love." What do you call a gay fruit? A figgit. What's the queerest type of bread? Humpernickel. Why are male prostitutes like Inspector Clousseau? They're both Peter Sellers. What's a gay masochist? A sucker for punishment. Lovely Vinnie had a great vacation visiting the backroom of every gay bar on Christopher Street, but it left him somewhat worse for wear. When he got home he called up a friend who practiced homeopathic medicine and complained that his asshole was terribly swollen and tender. The friend making a poultice of herbal tea leaves and applying it to the area. It did relieve the irritation a bit, but the next morning found Vinnie still in considerable discomfort, so he hobbled over to the office of a proctologist who served the gay community. In the examining room, the good-looking fellow belt over and spread his cheeks. The doctor clucked sympathetically and started investigating. "Well Doctor?" asked Vinnie after a few minutes had passed. "What's the diagnosis?" "it's not completely clear, darling," admitted the proctologist, "but the tea leaves recommend a Caribbean cruise for the two of us." What's another name for a sex-change operation? Artificial infemination. Late one night three maksed men stormed into a night club in Greenwich Village. Brandishing pistols, they ordered everyone onto the floor. "Now we're going to rape all the men and rob all the broads,"leered one big fellow. "No, no, no," interrupted the other. "We rape the women and rob the men." "Say, I think you should listen to that first fellow," piped up a diseased fag in the corner. Did you hear about the transvestite who had two breasts grafted onto his back? If his ass holds out, he'll be a millionaire. Beset with grief, a poor homosexual mutant had just found out that he had Aids. "What am I going to do?" pleaded the man after his doctor had reviewed the prognosis. "I think you should go to Mexico and live it up. Drink the water and eat all the Mexican food you can get your hands on, including raw fruits and vegetables," advised the doctor. "Oh God, Doc, will that cure me?" squealed the fag. "No," answered the doctor candidly, "but it'll teach you what your asshole is for." What job is extremely popular among homosexuals? Soda jerk. How do you know Rock Hudson didn't die of Aids? He died of food poisoning; he ate a raw wienie. A bum scraped together $5, bought and downed two bottles of Thunderbird, and passed out behind a hedge in a nearby park. Not long afterwards a fag strolled by and noticed him. That's appealing, he thought to himself, and he rolled the wino over and butt-fucked him. It was such a pleasant experience that he tucked $5 in the drunk's pocket and went on his merry way. When the bum woke up he was amazed to find his pocket still had money in it. Hurrying over to the liquor store, he proceeded to spend it on booze and pass out in the same place, where the fag found him on his way out to lunch. Quite delighted, he had another go and tucked another $5 in his pocket. This time the wino could hardly believe his good fortune. Again he got drunk and passed out, and again the fag found him and fudge-packed him. Unable to believe his luck, the grateful faggot tucked $20 in the wino's pocket and went home. When the wino came to, he pulled the $20 out of his pocket. Clutching it tightly, he staggered to the liquor store and beckoned to the clerk. "Hey buddy, get me some good wine off the shelf," he instructed the clerk, "cause this cheap stuff's murder on my asshole." What do you call three dykes in bed together? A menage a twat. What do chinese homosexuals and negroid homosexuals have in common? They both give bro jobs. What do you call hemorroids on a fag? Speed bumps. Hear the one about the queer who got kicked off the golf course? He was playing with too many strokes. Why do bisexuals consider themselves so fortunate? because they can get it both ends. What did one fag say to the other as they walked past the funeral home? "Wanna stop in and suck down a couple of cold ones?" Over lunch in the hospital cafeteria, one doctor happened to mention to his colleague that he'd come across a nutritional for his Aids patients. "Pancakes," he explained cheerfully. "Really?" commented his friend. "I wasn't aware that pancakes had any special nutritional value." "They don't," the first doctor went on, "but they're so easy to slide under the door." What was the gay snowman waiting for? The snowblower. Why do homosexuals smoke cigars? Practice makes perfect! What do gay kids get for Christmas? Erection sets. What do you call a Playboy Bunny who's a lesbian? Bitch. Where do fags park? In the rear. Hear about the fag who placed a condom on each ear? He didn't want to get hearing Aids. How did Aids get into the country? Up the Hudson. What did Rock Hudson get for valentine's day? Liberace. What do you call an epileptic fag? A vibrator. One night in Greenwich Village a detective happened upon an armed robbery in progress. Giving chase, the detective finally fired at the robber and shot him dead. Instantly a crowd gathered around the body, and when a fag happened on the scene, he couldn't see anything. "What happened?' he asked a bystander. "This guy got killed by a dick," explained a spectator. "Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm," mused the faggot. "What a way to go." How do you make a fruit punch? Goose him. What do fags think of anal sex? It hurts at first, but it's fun in the end. What's the most entertaining part about gay bars? The cockfighting in the back room. How can you tell which house the fag lives in? On the doormat it says, "Wipe your knees." Why is Aids like Vitamin C? You get both from drinking fruit juice. What happens if you spend the night in a gay bar? You'll wake up with a queer taste in your mouth. Why did the Indian chiefs always put their homosexual warrior at the head of the battle line? Because they're brave suckers. What's Aids? the ultimate diet. How come there's never been a hurricane Bruce? The U.S. Weather Bureau's waiting for a storm that never stops blowing. What's a lesbian? A pansy without the stem. What's really selling on Christopher Street these days? Designer urns. Why did the fag cover himself with whipped cream? He was going to the party as a wet dream. Why is a fag at an orgy like a turkey? He'll gobble, gobble, gobble 'till you cut off his head. Why is normal sperm fresher than homosexual sperm? Because most gay sperm comes in a can. Heard about the new gay sitcom? It's called, "Leave it, It's beaver." How come Slick Willy got the gay vote? Because fags don't like Bush. What's the difference between Orlando and San Francisco? In San Fran, the fruits pick you. Why were all the greek soldiers wearing black armbands last month? Didn't you hear about the ship that went down with ten thousand cases of Vaseline? Why did the preacher get aids? He forgot to wash his organ between hymns. What's the most romantic thing you can say to someone in a gay bar? "May I move your stool?" Did you hear about the new hospital for homosexuals under construction outside Atlanta?" It's called "Sick Fags Over Georgia." A regular customer walked into the gay bar and ordered thee martinis in a row. "Say, anything wrong?" aksed the bartender. "I've had quite a shock," the man confessed. "I've just found out my brother's a queer." "Could be worse," the bartender pointed out. "Yeah, maybe... but my other brother's gay too." The bartender raised his eyebrows. "Doesn't anyone in your family go to for women?" "Yeah... my sister." What's the difference between a microwave and butt-fucking? Butt-fucking can brown your meat without cooking it. Why are so many lesbians vegetarians? They don't want anything to do with meat. Did you hear about the Polish lesbians? She likes men. What do you call a homosexual Jew? He-blew. What do you call an Irish homosexual? Gay-lick. What do you call a Chinese homosexual? Chew-man-chew. A fag riding along in the subway saw a goodlooking man sitting opposite him and was instantly smitten. Following him out of the station, he trailed him into an office building and up to an office. What luck! The man was a proctologist, and he signed up for an appointment. But when the examination progressed, the gay's squeals of evident pleasure infuriated the doctor. His jobs was cure illnesses, not to titillate, and making that perfectly clear, he tossed the gay guy out. The gay, however, was really in love and soon telephoned the doctor's office again, claiming a genuine medical problem and insisting on his services. The doctor reluctantly consented to another office visit. Examining the man, he was astonished to find a long green stem, thorns attached, and then another, then another. "My God!" the doctor cried, "you've got a dozen red roses up your ass! Now I warned you, I'm a reputable doctor. Are you up to the same old tricks again?" "Read the card," shrieked the fag, "read the card!" Two homos were talking when one leaned over and said to the other, "You know, I just got circumcised two weeks ago." "How wonderful," gasped his friend. "You must let me see it." The first fag obliged, pulling down his pants and proudly displaying his cock. "Ooooh!" shrieked his friend. "You look ten years younger!" How do you fit four gays at a crowded bar? Turn the stool upside down. What did one dyke say to another? "Your face or mine?" A homosexual swished onto a bus to face a derogatory sneer from the massive bus driver. "Faggot," he growled, "where're your pearls?" "Pearls with corduroy!?" shrieked the fag. "Are you mad?" How many fags does it take to change a light bulb? Seven. One to change the bulb, and six to shriek, "Faaaaaaaaaaaabulous!" What do polish lesbians use for lubricant? Tartar sauce. Considering that in order to get married, you have to have a marriage license, what do two lesbos have to get? A licker license. What do you call a homosexual milkman? A dairy queen. Why was the fag fired from his job at the sperm bank? For drinking on the job. There are these two fags who decide they want to have a baby. So they find an obliging bull dyke, have her impregnated by sperm donation, and are simply thrilled when she gives birth to a seven pound baby boy. They rush to the hospital for the first viewing of their son, standing with their noses pressed against the glass of the nursery window and surveying row upon row of squalling infants. Except for one quiet, clean little baby, cooing softly to itself amid all the chaos. Sure enough, when the gays ask to see their son, the nurse heads over to the quiet baby and brings him over for the proud parents to ogle. "Gee," said one of them to the nurse, "he sure is well behaved compared to the rest of those howling brats, isn't he?" "Oh, he's quiet now," said the nurse, "but he squalls like all the rest when I take the pacifier out of his ass." What do you call a lesbian eskimo? A klondike. How can you identify a bull dyke? She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons. What do you get when you cross a gay eskimo with a negroid? A snowblower that doesn't work. What's the definition of confusion? Twenty blind lebians in a fish markets. What's the definition of a Bloody Mary? A wounded faggot. What do you call a lesbian opera singer? A muff dica. Did you hear about the gay Catholic? He couldn't decide if the Pope was faaaaaabulous or simply divine. Is it better to be born negroid or homosexual? Negroid, because you don't have to tell your parents. What's this?(stick out your tongue.) A dyke with a hard-on. How can you tell if you walk into a gay church? Only half the congregation is kneeling. Did you hear about the gay burglar? He couldn't blow the safe, so he went down on the elevator. Why do fags have mustaches? To hide the strech marks. What do you call the zipper on a gay Italian's pants? A Mediterranean fruit fly. What's the definition of analingus? Tongue in cheek. Bruce had always done well in school and was doing even better in college, so his parents were a bit surprised to be summoned by the guidance counselor. "I have some good news and some bad news, MR. and Mrs. Robinson," said the counselor. "The bad news is that Bruce is gay." Bruce's parents blanched. "The good news is that he's going to be Homecoming Queen." Why is Billie Jean King so good at tennis? Because she swings both ways. Who is Billie Jean King's latest corporate sponsor? Snap-On-Tools of America. Know what GAY stands for? Got AIDS yet? What do you call a faggot in a wheelchair? Rol-aids If there was a fag on your back, would you beat him off? Did you hear about the two Irish homos? Patrick Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzpatrick Four faggots were sitting in a hot tub when a blob of semen rose to the surface. One said, "All right, who farted?" In the bathroom on the 20th floor of the Empire State Building a faggot made the mistake of coming on to a musclebound marine, who proceeded to toss him out the window. When the Marine came out onto the street he walked right past the fag lying bleeding in the gutter. Raising himself painfully on one elbow, the fag said, "Yoo-hooooooo! I'm not angry!" What do fags drink? Kool-aids. Hear about the gay guy who went to the electric chair and wanted to blow the fuse? How about the new breakfast cereal called Queerios? You add milk and they eat themselves. These two fags wake up one morning and one of them says to the other, "This is terrible. One of us is simply going to have to get a job." The other one says, "You're right. I'll go." So he gets out of bed, takes a shower, and puts on a jacket and tie, but when he walks into the kitchen he sees his lover jerking off into a plastic bag. "What the hell are you doing that for?" he asks. "Well", says the first fag, "I didn't think you'd be coming home for lunch so I thought I'd pack you one. What do you call a fag with diarrhea? A juicyfruit. What do homosexual termites eat? Woody Woodpeckers. A big tough guy whose wife has just left him is drowning his sorrow at the bar when a flaming faggot swishes up to him, simpers, and says, "Hey, wanna play some bar football? "Fuck off, faggot." "C'mon, big boy," insists the fag. "try bar football- you'll like it." Sunk in misery and self-pity, the guy finally gives in. "Fuck, what is it, anyway?" "You down a pint of beer and that's a touchdown," explains the fag exitedly, "then drop your pants and fart for the extra point." Feeling he has nothing to lose, the guy says, "Shit, okay." "I'll go first," skrieks the fag, quickly downing his beer. "Touchdown, six points," he yells, then just as quickly drops trou and emits a loud wet fart. "Seven to zip, your turn!" The tough guy chugs his beer, then unethusiastically pulls down his pants. In a flash the fag leaps behind him and sticks his dick up the guy's ass, squealing. "Block that kick! Block that kick!" What do you call a gay dentists? A tooth fairy. What's in the air in San Fransisco that keeps women from getting pregnant? Men's legs. Why don't faggots lean on baseball bats with their rear ends? They're afraid it might get serious. What's worse than a six-foot negroid with a knife? A queer with a chipped tooth. What did the homosexual paramedic give his lover? First Aids. What do you call a gay bar with no stools? A fruit stand. What do you call a couple of gay lawyers? Legal Aids. Four men in a bar are having an argument over whose cock is bigger. After a while the bartender tires of these men yelling and not drinking, so he says, "Okay, you guys, unzip and whip 'em out onto the bar." As they do so, a little fag walks in. "Oh, my!" he squeals. "Whadda you want?" the bartender asks the fag. "Well, I was going to have a Black Russian, but now I think I'll have the buffet. Did you hear about the fag who flew to London? He was heartbroken when he found out Big Ben was a clock. COMING SOON: Fag jokes, Part II ========== Date: Wed, 19 May 1993 22:11:24 EST From: Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET> Subject: Ethnic humor (CRUDE & RUDE) There was this American of uncertain Hispanic origins who was cited for taking a leak in the middle of the college cafeteria. He saw a sign that read WET FLOOR. Why did the North Korean plane crash? They hired a Polish fellow to carry a bomb on a South Korean plane. What am I? (Stick you fingers in your ears and hop up and down as hard as hard as you can.) An Iraqi mine detector. Two little girls, one French-Canadian and the other Black-American were walking down the block to & the Canadian said, "Hey, know what I found on the patio the other day? A contraceptive." "Oh yeah?" said the little Black girl. "What's a patio?" In a public opinion survey about which nationality had the highest opinion of themselves, the United States lost to France. Parisians think Paris is France, while Texans and Californians think they are countries. France wins. (Okay, it needs to be re-written) :-) If Texas really were a nation, Texas would win. ========== Date: Thu, 20 May 1993 06:18:46 +0300 From: hananel kvatinsky <ramot@CCSG.TAU.AC.IL> Subject: Pessimist/optimist joke qu: What is the difference between a pessimist and an optimist ? The optimist wakes up in the morning, opens the window, breathes the fresh air and says "Good Morning, Lord " The pessimist wakes up in the morning, opens the window, breathes the fresh air ( and coughs ) and says "Good Lord, morning". ************************* Hananel Kvatinsky Ramat Gan, Israel ************************* ========== Date: Thu, 20 May 1993 09:43:04 BST From: Joe Clark <smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK> Subject: Cute, Not offensive. To give credit where credit is due, the following are taken from a publication called bits and pieces. A monthly booklet about common sense and working with people. It is published by Economics Press Inc. Sometimes they slip in some humor. It is all very cute and not offensive. ____________________________________________________________ A ten-year-old protested vigorously when his mother asked him to take his younger sister with him when he went fishing. "The last time I took her with me," he said, "I didn't catch a single fish." "Well," his mother said, I'll talk to her, I promise you, this time she won't make any noise." "It wasn't the noise, mom," the boy said. "She ate all the bait. _____________________________________________________________ A telemarketer called a home one day, and a small voice whispered, "Hello?" "Hello! What's your name?" Still whispering the voice said "Jimmy." "How old are you, Jimmy." "I'm four." "Good. Is your mother home?" "Yes, but she's busy." "Okay, is your father home?" "He's busy too." "I see, who else is there?" "The police." "The police? May I speak with one of them?" "They're busy." "Any other grown-ups there?" "The firemen." "May I speak with a fireman, please?" "They're all busy." "Jimmy, all those people in your house, and I can't talk with any of the? What are they doing?" "Looking for me," Whispered Jimmy. _____________________________________________________________ A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for church. "Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself," she told the girl. When they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given. "Well," said the little girl, "I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the man in the pulpit said that we should all be cheerful givers. I knew I'd be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did." ______________________________________________________________ Joe Tis better to remain silent and thought a fool then to speak up and remove all doubt. ========== Date: Thu, 20 May 1993 05:43:10 LCL From: Jeff Green <jgreen@MODEMNEWS.WIN.NET> Subject: Traveling Salesmen Joke (PG) A salesman was travelling along a lonely stretch of rural road as the day was getting late and a storm was beginning. He saw a farm house up a head a bit and decided to see if he could epend the night there. He pulls up in front of the house and knocks on the door. The farmer answers and the salesman asks if he can stay the night. "Sure", says the farmer, "but you'll have to sleep with my son". "Oops", replies the salesman, "I must be in the wrong joke". ========== Date: Wed, 19 May 1993 09:57:02 CDT From: Colleen Lamb <Colleen=Lamb@TSL.TEXAS.GOV> Subject: Bumper stickers-rated g,r,& ick Three bumper stickers seen in Austin, Texas: * Friends don't let friends vote Republican * Visualize orgasms * Warning: I speed up to run over small animals ========== Date: Thu, 20 May 1993 10:10:13 ADT From: John Hansen <HANSEJD@ACAD1.UNBSJ.CA> Subject: PG-13 (violence, language........yes!) One morning the grade three teacher asked her students to relate a story in which they, at the conclusion, could relate a well known moral to the story. The teacher called on Sally. She related the story of her uncle's chicken farm. One day a hen had laid 12 eggs. Sally knew there would be 12 because she had counted them. However, only 8 had survived. "That's an interesting story, Sally," the teacher said. "Now, what is the moral?" "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." "Very good, Sally. Now, Ishmael. You tell a story." Ishmael told the story of going to the market and putting all his eggs in one basket to take home to mother. On the way home, he dropped the basket and all the eggs perished. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket," he concluded. "Very good," said the teacher. "Now Little Billy. Your turn." Little Billy stood up. "Well," he began. "My dad was Vietnam in the summer of 1968. While on patrol in the jungle he got separated from his troop and found himself deep in enemy territory with only a handgun, two granades, and a bottle Jack Daniels to protect him. When he tried to make his way back to his gang, he was attacked by six well-trained Viet-Cong commandos. So brave was my dad that he took them all out with a single shot each. That left him with only the granades and the whiskey. As he made his way furthur into the jungle, he was set upon by a half dozen more V.C. Pulling the pin with his teeth, he let one granade fly as the V.C. assumed an attack position. The explosion sent body parts flying everywhere! It was so cool. The second wave, not learning their lesson, came after him. Dad gave the same treatment the others got. "All he had now was a bottle of Jack Daniels. He was almost near his troop when a another wave of V.C. set upon him. He drank the whole bottle with one drink, smashed the blunt end of the bottle against a tree and went after his attackers with wild abandon. He fought them all with only this broken bottle and his wits to defend him. And he won. He made his back to his troop and made his way back home. HE'S MY DAD. HE'S MY HERO!" The teacher was mortified. "Uh, OK. But what lesson can be learned from all this?" "DON'T FUCK WITH THE OLD MAN WHEN HE'S DRUNK!" Love, John ========== Date: Thu, 20 May 1993 09:20:30 -0400 From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU> Subject: Cheers Now that CHEERS is showing its final episode, the producers are working on a spin-off sitcom about a gay and lesbian bar in San Francisco. It'll be called THE HUNG AND THE BREASTLESS --- This 78-year-old woman was feeling ill, and she went to the doctor for a check-up. After the physical examination, the doctor announced, "I have some exciting news for you: you're going to have a baby! Wouldn't you like to call someone?" "Sure, I need to call my husband; he's 83 years old." She calls home and the husband answers: "You old goat, you got me pregnant," she rants into the phone. Panicked, the husband screams, "WHO IS THIS?" ========== Date: Thu, 20 May 1993 09:10:37 CDT From: "Scott P. Muir" <SMUIR@UA1VM.BITNET> Organization: THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA Subject: Wordplay Q: What is the difference between a nun and a woman in a bubble bath? A: The nun has hope in her soul. Q: What is the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a whore with diarrhea? A: The oyster shucker shucks between fits? Q: What does an insomniac, dyslexic, agnostic do? A: Stays up all night pondering the existence of a Dog. ========== Date: Thu, 20 May 1993 15:45:08 BST From: Mr Hugh Armour <ha1@STIRLING.AC.UK> Subject: More Wordplay (U) MORE WORD PLAY: Q: What is the difference between a jeweller and a jailer? A: One sells watches, the other watches cells. Q: What is the difference between the inside of a toilet roll and a Dutch clown? A: One is a hollow cylinder, the other is a silly Hollander. AND ALSO: Q: What is the difference between a box of matches and an elephant? A: Don't know. What *is* the difference... R: I'm sure as Hell not sending you for a box of matches. Okay, they're pretty bad but I'm having a *BAD* day. ========== Date: Thu, 20 May 1993 10:50:00 EDT From: "Michael B. Smith" <MBS116@PSUVM.BITNET> Subject: Politically offensive to republic ilk Seen in the Daily Pennsylvanian as a political cartoon: Woman: Is this the George Bush Medical Clinic? Doctor: Yes. Woman: I was raped and I think I'm pregnant - What should I do??? Doctor: Name it after me. Woman: No, I mean what do you advise? Doctor: Throw a baby shower. Woman: Doctor, I _need_ some medical advice. Doctor: Drink lots of milk. Woman: TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!! Doctor: Start knitting booties. Woman: WHAT ARE MY CHOICES??!?!? Doctor: Pink or Blue.... ========== Date: Thu, 20 May 1993 09:54:00 PDT From: TORRANCE Pat <ptorrance@SHL.COM> Subject: Old West joke: Rated "R" I am forwarding this joke to the list. The original sender was too shy. You can reach him at jdoran@shl.com ---------- From: DORAN Joe To: TORRANCE Pat Cc: BOUDREAU Albert Subject: Dirty Joke, NOT Politically Correct Date: Thursday, May 20, 1993 8:34AM A cowboy, dusty and tired, just in town from a long a hard cattle drive, wanders into the local saloon. He sits and the end of the long bar and sips his cold beer in silent delight. He looks around and sees a large jar at the other end of the bar filled with money with a note labelled across its middle. He saunters over and reads the note, it reads, " Make my horse laugh and win all the money in the jar!". The jar is filled with money. The cowboy askes the bartender what the story is behind the jar and the bartender explains that the horse is his and that it is stabled out at the back of the saloon. The purpose of the contest is to raise money for the annual restoration of the towns lady auxilluary bingo hall. He explains that once the jar is filled the money is taken to the ladies club and the empty jar is replaced for the next years contest. The cowboy ponders this for a while as he downs a few more pints. He then asks the bartender if he can enter the contest. The bartender laughs and says sure and leads the cowboy out to the stable in the back. The bartender weatches as the cowboy meanders over to the stallion and whispers something in the animals ear. Suddenly, the horse breaks out in a heartly laugh, increasing in intensity until there are tears running down its cheeks. Passers by and patrons alike come into the stable out of curiousity and witness this miracle. Satisfied that he won his prize, the cowboy takes the jar from the bar and wanders back out onto the range. Another month and a half goes by and the same cowboy comes back into the same bar at the end of yet another long hard cattle drive. He orders another cold beer from the same bartender who recognizes him and promptly points out the jar the at the other end of the bar. The cowboy goes over to the jar and reads the note labelled across its middle. It reads, "Make my horse cry and the jar is yours!" Smiling, the cowboy downs his beer and accepts the challange. The bartender escorts him out back to the stable and points out the hysterical horse who, he says, has been suffering from fits of crazy laughter since the cowboys last visit! The cowboy makes his way past the crowd of town folk to the mad horse and after he gets his attention promply whispers again to the horse who immediatly burst out into loud laughter yet again. The crowd moans and the bartender smiles triumphantly. The cowboy, unhindered, unbuttons his jeans and opens the front of his trousers. The horse looks down and his eyes widen in horror. The cowboy does up his fly and stands staring at the silent terrified stallion. The horses eyes roll and he flops to the stable floor weeping like a widowed bride. The crowd gasps a collective breath and the bartender sighs. The cowboy contented that he won his prize, walked back into bar and collected his jar. HE sits at his place at the bar and orders another cold beer. The bartender serves him and when the crowd has sufficently dispersed he quietly askes the cowboy how he managed his two works of wonder. The cowboy wipes his chin and smiles." The method was simple ol' hoss" he says. "Last time I told him my dick was bigger then his" The cowboy then takes another swig of his beer and allows time for the bartender to take it in. The bartender then askes, "WEll, what did you do this time!" The cowboy pauses then smiles as he replies, "This time I showed him!" ========== Date: Thu, 20 May 1993 11:15:54 EDT From: Betty Braaksma <BRAAKSMA@VM2.YORKU.CA> Subject: Another Old West joke A Texas Ranger walks into a saloon and bellies up to the bar. The bartender takes his order & notices the Ranger looks tired & dusty. He asks him what he's in town for. The Ranger takes a swallow of beer and replies, "I'm lookin' for an outlaw. Maybe you've seen him in these parts." The bartender says, "Well, I dunno. What's he look like?" The Ranger says, "He's a cowboy, stands about 6 foot tall. He's wearin' a paper hat, paper vest, paper shirt & pants and paper boots & spurs. He carries a paper gun and rides a paper horse." The bartender is surprised and says, "Shoot, I would've remembered somebody like that. Tell me, what's he wanted for?" The Ranger takes another swig of beer and answers: "Rustlin'" Betty Braaksma York University ========== Date: Thu, 20 May 1993 10:33:15 CDT From: David Hinz <hinz@MEMPHIS.MED.GE.COM> Subject: Scotsmen & Kilts (PG-13, long) On May 17th, someone posted the basic premise behind "The Scotsman", a folk-ish song of uncertain origins. Here's (more or less) the lyrics to the song, if anyone wants the music, write me at hinz@memphis.med.ge.com and I can mail it to you. Author is known, but not by me off the top of my head. "The Scotsman" A Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair And one could tell, by how he walked, that he'd drunk more than his share, He staggered 'round until he could no longer keep his feet, And staggered off into the grass to sleep beside the street About this time two fair and tender maids just happened by, and one says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye, "See yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong and handsome built, I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt!" They crept up on the sleeping Scotsman, quiet as can be And lifted up the kilt above his waist so they could see, and there behold for them to see, beneath his Scottish skirt, was nothing but what God had graced him with upon his birth. They marveled for a moment, and one said "we must be gone, Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along" As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon, tied into a bow, around the bonny star of the "Scot's Kilt Lifting Show". The Scotsman woke to natures call, and stumbled towards a tree, He lifted up his kilt, and he gawks at what he sees, and in a startled voice he says, to what's before his eyes, "Lad, I don't know where you've been, but I see you've won first prize!" ----------------- Keep 'em coming! Dave ========== Date: Thu, 20 May 1993 11:14:07 -0700 From: Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU> Subject: RATED R About that Scotsman song, John Denver sings a rendition of it. One of our radio stations likes to play it once in awhile. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now on with the jokes: For his birthday, a man gives his son one of his prize ducks and tells him to take it to the market and whatever he gets for it he can keep. So the son takes the duck and heads off to the market. When he gets there he spots the local Pleasure house and since he's never had a woman before, he decides to try his luck there first. He goes in and explains to the Madame taht he only has a duck in payment, which she assures him will do just fine and leads him off to a room where there is a girl, ready and waiting. They get down to business and when it's over the girl is so impressed with the young man that she says if he does it to her again, she will give him his duck back. Of course, he is only so happy to oblige, and they get to it. Later on, as he is leaving the house a passing carriage which is going rather too fast brushes past him, knocks his duck out of his arms, and squashes it flat beneath its wheels. The owner of the carriage is so upset at this that he gives the young man $5 for his deceased duck, which he accepts and then goes home. When he gets home, his father asks him what sort of day he had. "Great," replies the son, "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and five dollars for a fucked-up duck!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Since the topic of jokes this morning was gays, let's not forget about the gay nail who gave up a life of luxury in the wall in order to lay in the road and blow tires. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ What is the difference between a blonde woman's track team and a bunch of sly midgets? ---One is a bunch of cunning runts...the other a bunch of running cunts. Laters ========== Date: Thu, 20 May 1993 13:04:12 CDT From: BK Rogers <bkr@PPCO.COM> Subject: What's the difference (R-rated) After seeing the woman's track team joke I remembered this one. Q: What's the difference between an epileptic oyster eater and a prostitute with diarrhea? A: One shucks between fits...and the other one fucks between shits. ========== Date: Thu, 20 May 1993 14:19:00 -0400 Ithaca College" <JMICA@ITHACAOA.BITNET> From: "Jim Mica (Jimbo), Office of Admission, Ithaca College" <JMICA@ITHACAOA.BITNET> Subject: More What's The Difference (R-rated) What's the difference between a flock of pigeons in the fountain in the town square and a flock of mountain goats? The pigeons muck around on the fountain... What's the difference between a seagull and a baby with lose diapers? The seagull flits along the shore... ========== Date: Thu, 20 May 1993 14:42:14 GMT Comments: ONE MORE From: MICHAEL G MILLER <MILLER3@MAIL.LOC.GOV> Subject: ONE MORE What is the difference between a wet hen and a very bad lawyer? The wet hen clucks defiance .... ========== Date: Thu, 20 May 1993 15:22:22 -0400 From: Ethan King <eking@CATFISH.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU> Subject: NC-17 jokes Q: What do you call a 500 lb woman with a yeast infection? A: A Double Wopper with CHEESE. ************* Q: What do doctors do with the skins after a circumsision? A: They sell them to gays for gum. ************* Q: How does a faggot fake an orgasm? A: He pulls out and spits on his partner's back. ********** The Truely-Sick-Humor Award goes to the originator of these jokes (and I don't know who that is) ========== Date: Thu, 20 May 1993 15:53:47 -0400 From: Sharon Rondeau <SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET> Subject: Willie's 60th Birthday Q. What has 42 legs and 3 teeth? A. The front row at a Willie Nelson concert. ========== Date: Thu, 20 May 1993 23:01:00 +0300 From: Robert Werman <RWERMAN@VMS.HUJI.AC.IL> Subject: Optimist-Pessimist What is the difference between an pessimist and an optimist in Israel? A pessimist says that things cannot get worse. An optimist says that they can. ========== Date: Thu, 20 May 1993 23:07:00 +0300 From: Robert Werman <RWERMAN@VMS.HUJI.AC.IL> Subject: French Children Subject: French children Three French children pass a lit, open window and look in. "Look, look," says the 4 year old, "there is a couple in bed there and they are wrestling." "No, no," says the 5 year old, "they are making love." And the 6 year old chimes in: "And badly." __Bob Werman rwerman@hujivms.bitnet rwerman@vms.huji.ac.il Jerusalem ========== Date: Thu, 20 May 1993 14:53:00 MDT From: Ron Freund <FREUND_R@UCOLMCC.BITNET> Subject: Advertisement Classified Ad: Set of encyclopedias. Never used. (Wife knows everything!) ========== Date: Thu, 20 May 1993 16:45:00 EST From: "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 442-9066" <KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU> Subject: ba-a-a-ad pun but clean... A tribal chieftain was fascinated by American culture, and planned to have a typical American wedding for his daughter. He subscribed to the Sunday edition of the New York Times, read the wedding reports with great care, engaged an Anglican bishop to officiate, made certain that the flowers, bridal gown and cutaways were in the American tradition, and selected his favorite grandson to be the ringbearer. However, as the ringbearer came down the aisle, he tripped and dropped the ring. As he recovered it, a man with a long scarf wrapped around his head dashed through the crowd, pinching all the women on their breasts. When the wedding was over, the chieftain was ecstatic, but the bishop was puzzled about the man with the scarf. The chieftain whipped out a newspaper clipping of a fashionable New York wedding and proudly pointed to one line: "The ringbearer stumbled, losing the ring, and a muffled titter ran through the church." ### Shirl kenneds@firnvx.firn.edu ========== Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 00:48:00 -0400 From: DHALPERN@DREW.BITNET Subject: FAG JOKES (R) part two -----------------------------FAG JOKES part two--------------------------------- What kind of soup do they serve in a gay Chinese restaurant? Cream of some young guy. How many fags does it take to rape a girl? Two; one holds her down while the other does her hair. What do you call a vampire in drag? A transvestbite. ;[ Did you hear about the new NFL franchise consisting of an all-queer roster? They plan to be a real come-from-behind team. What's the definition of dried fruit? A fag with a vasectomy. What do lesbians do for dinner? Eat out. How many heterosexual San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb? Both of them. A hot, tired, and dusty cowboy came into a bar, pounded his fist to get the bartender's attention, and said; "I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cow's balls!" A fag sitting in the corner overheard and piped up with "Moo, mooooo." What do you call a homosexual community in Alaska? Frosted flakes. Why do men have nipples? So fags will know what they're missing. What's brown and squishy and wears pearls? The gay rights movement. What's the difference between herpes and Aids? One's a love story and the other's a fairy tale. How do faggots spell relief? N-O-A-I-D-S How do faggots get into college? Financial Aids. What does Aids stand for? Adios, Infected Dick Sucker. Why is Aids a miracle? It's the only thing in the world that can change a fruit into a vegetable. What happens if you get on a bus full of queers? You get off. What Richard Simmons call a condom? Seal-a-meal. What's green, gay, and flies through the air? Peter Pansy. What did the constipated fag say to his boyfriend? "With friends like you, who needs enemas?" In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82% of the men responded that either genetics or home environment was the principal factor. The remaining 18% revealed that they had been sucked into it. What do you call a gay smurf? A smaggot. A fag paid a visit to his doctor and confided that he had a vibrator stuck up his ass. "Let me have a look," said the doctor reassuringly. "I'll have it out in no time." "Oh doctor, please don't do that," said the fag. "What the hell do you want me to do?" asked the doctor. "Change the batteries, please." ========== Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 01:34:15 -0400 From: DHALPERN@DREW.BITNET Subject: More gay humor (mostly PG) a few R Yes folks, it's... -----------------------FAG JOKES part three------------------------------------- What did one gay sperm say to the other? "How'm I supposed to find an egg in all this shit?" "In the center ring," cries the ringmaster, "we have Nero, the boldest and bravest animal trainer in the world. Watch, ladies and gentleman, as he puts his head between the jaws of our man-eating lion!" The crowd roars as Nero pulls out his head unscathed. "Now, folks, watch this!" shouts the announcer, as Nero unzips his pants and puts his prick between the giant teeth. "Don't do it!" shrieks the audience as the lion's jaws clamp shut. But withou flinching, Nero pulls them open and removes his unharmed penis, and wild cheers fill the arena. When the noise dies down the ringmaster steps forward and announces, "Ladies and gentleman, a prize of five thousand dollars, yes, five thousand dollars to the man in our audience who'll try that trick." His jaw drops as a small, effeminate man steps right up to ringside. "You're going to repeat that trick with our man-eating lion in front of all these people?" "Certainly," syas the fag, "but I must tell you something first. I don't think I can open my mouth as wide as the lion did." What's this?[Stamp one foot up and down, and bow head and blow.] A paramedic giving artificial resuscitation to a fag with Aids. Did you hear about Calvin Klein's jean's for fags? They have knee pads in the front and a zipper in the back. One Sunday in church, a homo decided to make a ten-dollar contribution as the collection plate went by. Seeing his generosity, the preacher said, "Brother, we'll let you pick the next three hymns." The fag stood up and said,"Oh goody! I'll take him... and him... and him!" "My dildo can do anything a man can do," boasted a hairy dyke in a bar one night. "Oh, yeah?" replied a nearby drunk, "Let's see your dildo get up and order a round of drinks." What's the difference between a hematologist and a horny faggot? A hematologist pricks your finger... What do you call a fag in a sleeping bag? Fruit roll-up. How can you tell the gay guy in biology class? WHile everyone else is dissecting frogs, he's opening flies. Did you hear about the gay judges who tried each other? How about the gay plastic surgeon who hung himself? What do you call a gay midget? A low blow. What do you call a bouncer in a gay bar? A flamethrower. What do you call a fag in jail? Canned fruit. What's a gay bartender's favorite drink? Fruit cocktail. What do you call a faggot in the navy? A real Admiral. ========== Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 08:09:24 +0200 From: "P. Molijn - S Soerjoesing" <suribros@DUTIKAT.TWI.TUDELFT.NL> Subject: My dog SEKS(rated ?) > > Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover or Boy". I call mine > "sex". > > Now, Sex has been very embarrising to me. When I went to city Hall > to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a > license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too". Then I said, > "But this is a dog". He said, "I don't care what she looks like". > Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine > years old". He said, "You must have been quite a kid" > > When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with > me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, > and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place > was for sex. > I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The > clerk said, "Me too". > > One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition > began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just > standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex > in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But > you don't understand," I said. "I had hoped to have Sex on TV". He > called me a show-off. > > When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody > of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married". > The judge said, "Me too". Then I told him that after I was married, > Sex left me. He said, "Me too". > > Last night, Sex ran off again, I spent hours around town looking > for him. A cop came over to me asked, "What are you doing at 4 > o'clock in the morning ?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex". My case > comes up friday. > this joke was written in the original vi(dos)editor ========== Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 10:11:17 EDT From: Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET> Subject: Smart aleck kiddie humor I can understand any language but Greek. Answer: If any language is spoken, say: "That's Greek to me." What large animal that you all know has four legs and flies? Answer: A horse, an elephant, etc. (buzz, buzz). How many books can a student put in an empty grocery sack? Answer: One; after that, the sack isn't empty. If your left arm was accidentially cut off, would your right arm be left? Answer: If "yes", you're wrong. Only the right arm would be left. If "no", you're wrong. The right is left. What should you aways do with your eyes? Answer: Dot them. ========== Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 08:24:21 CDT From: Colleen Lamb <Colleen=Lamb@TSL.TEXAS.GOV> Subject: Lost dog Sign in my vet's office: LOST DOG: Three legs, blind in left eye, missing right ear, tail broken, recently castrated, answers to the name of Lucky. ========== Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 15:36:01 BST From: Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK> Subject: naval - robust language, dubious taste, sexually implicit Naval regulations are very strict. In the case of a ship sinking, the captain must be the last to abandon ship. In fact, in many cases the captain must go down on his ship... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The young Winston Churchill said of the Royal Navy (at about the turn of the century), that life aboard ship consisted of: "Rum, sodomy, and the Lash". No one is quite sure whether he meant this as a pejorative comment, or whether it was part of a recruiting campaign. ========== Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 10:08:08 -0500 From: Brad Pardee <bradp@UNLLIB.UNL.EDU> Subject: Mt. Rushmore Did you hear about the two new faces that they are going to add to Mount Rushmore? They're adding Bill Clinton. ========== Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 09:44:27 MST From: Joel <ZUCKJOEL@UCS.ISU.EDU> Organization: Idaho State University Subject: Massage Parlor A man was calling around to massage parlors, sort of comparison shopping, finding out about rates and services. He calls this one massage parlor downtown and asks several questions and then says, "One last question. Do you massage genitals?" The massage parlor owner replies, "Jews, genitals, we massage everybody!" ========== Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 10:20:41 -0700 From: Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU> Subject: David Letterman Cheers Joke What are the top ten reasons why "Cheers" is going off the air? (According to David Letterman) 10. They ran out of beer nuts. 9. It's all part of NBC's master plan to stay in third place 8. Ego of the postman is out of control. He constantly storms off shouting "I am Cheers!" 7. White men can't resist sequels. 6. Unlike other shows, they decided to quit when they ran outta ideas. 5. Actors are so bored with their roles, they finish their lines by saying etc., etc. 4. Norm's liver is now roughly the size of an ottoman. 3. Ted Danson's toupee is even more obvious than mine (Letterman) 2. Realization that if you're gonna get really wasted, you don't want to do it where everybody knows your name. 1. Stool rash. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Have you heard about the new movie Spaceballs III:The Search for Spaceballs II? Nah, just joshin. Laters ========== Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 13:03:24 -0400 From: DHALPERN@DREW.BITNET Subject: If you're a member of act-up, read this. Two fags were walking down the street in San Francisco when a man walked past them. "See that guy?" said one fag to the other. "He's a great fuck!" "No shit!?" exclaimed his friend. "Well, hardly any." A flaming fag sashays into the roughest, toughest truckstop on the highway, a parakeet on his shoulder. He looks around the restaurant at all the burly truckers and announces loudly, "Whichever one of you big bruisers can guess the weight of this darling parakeet gets to go home with me." Silence falls over the truckstop. Then one of the toughest-looking guys speaks up. "That's an easy one- five hundred pounds." The dainty fag shrieks delightedly, "We have a winner! We have a winner!" What do you call a fag from Alabama? A homosex-y'all Why do fags become paleontologists? To find a homo erectus. How many fags does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw the bulb and other to grease the socket. Two fags were walking down the street and the first one said, "Hold it a sec- I smell fresh cock." "No you don't said his companion. "I just burped." Why do gays make lousy Santas? Instead of filling your stockings, they try them on. Two gays were having a drink at the bar when an attractive woman walked by. "Mmmmmmmmm..." said one appreciatively, eyeing her up and down. "Oh Tom!" shrieked his horrified friend. "Don't tell me you're going straight!" "Nothing like that," said Tom musingly. "It's just that sometimes I can't help wishing I'd been born a lesbian..." Did you hear that the fag canceled his ocean cruise? He heard that Moby Dick was a whale. A fag was brushing his teeth when his gums started bleeding. "Thank god," he mumbled, "safe for another month." Two homosexual lovers were fighting: "Drop dead!" "Go to Hell!" "Oh, so you wanna make up!" What's a gay mafioso? A fairy godfather. What charges can you bring against a transvestite? Male fraud. What's tender love? A pair of homos with hemorroids. Did you hear about the gay Bible? The first couple was Adam and Steve. What happened when the two gay sergeants met? They talked about their privates. Gay man to whore: "Prostitute!" Whore to gay whore: "Substitute!" Why do transvestites like christmas? That's when they don their gay apparel. What do gay South Africans get? Apart-Aids. What's another name for Aids? Toxic cock syndrome. This is a fairy tale: Once upon a time there was a rich and handsome king. He sent fliers throughout his kingdom promising that whoever brought him the head of the fearsome dragon that was terrorizing the countryside could have all his wealth or the hand of his lovely daughter in marriage. Of course, all the able-bodied men in the kingdom went off in pursuit. Three days later a fellow arrived at the palace door bearing the head of the dragon. "well done," exlaimed the king. "You may have my beautiful daughter's hand." "Thanks, but I don't want your daughter," said the man. "I see. Come with me to empty out the treasury," offered the king. "Thanks, but I don't want your money either. I want YOU, sweetie!" So they lived happily ever after. See, I TOLD you it was a fairy tale. How do you get rid of crabs? Find a faggot who likes seafood. What do you call a homosexual's athletic supporter? A fruit cup. ========== Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 13:34:00 CDT <PHARLAB@NOMVS.LSUMC.EDU> From: "PHARLAB@NOMVS.LSUMC.EDU" <PHARLAB@NOMVS.LSUMC.EDU> Subject: revisionist history and sci fi The result of a collaborative effort between Oliver Stone and Stephen Spielberg might be - "Clay Shaw - The Man Who Killed The Last Dinosaur" ========== Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 15:25:00 EDT From: Yves Delphin <YVES@JCSVAX1.BITNET> Subject: Re: italian joke Q. How come there are only two pallbearearers at an italian funeral? A. Because there are only two handles on a garbage can Q.What do you call a squadron of Italian paratroopers? A.Air pollution The opinions expressed in this joke has nothing to do me with my mother,my father or my whole damned family... ========== Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 16:37:07 ADT From: John Hansen <HANSEJD@ACAD1.UNBSJ.CA> Subject: News from the Red Herring... From McGill University's humour magazine, "The Red Herring"... HEART ATTACK CLAIMS FAT ALBERT Special to the Herring by Colley Cibbs BROOKLYN- Murray Abromovitz, 36, better known to his fans as "Fat Albert", died last night of a triple coronary heart attack, a stroke, and a cerebral aneurism. The popular children's celebrity, who also had a cold, was pronounced dead on arrival at Brooklyn General Hospital. The apparent trigger of the attack was an overdose of Hostess Twinkies. Abromovitz, who used to play the radiator in a junkyard band, quickly rose to fame as the star of his own Cosby-produced show in the mid-seventies. Friend Russell Cosby said of the late Albert that, "his Hostess products binmge was prompted by his failed comeback as a rap artist." He was also depressed at not having been offered a role in the current Cosby series. Co-star Dumb Donald remembers Abromovitz as, "hbuh dududffgguhhhjngbobb bdubbd." Fans will surely miss the star's hefty trademark, "Hey Hey Hey". The Burial will be at sea on Friday. ========== Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 14:38:00 PDT From: "Briggs, Vickie" <VBriggs@UNEX.UCLA.EDU> Subject: Funny a wee bit racy A woman was in a pet shop looking for a novelty pet for her husband. She was tired of the usual cats and dogs and wanted something a little different. Walking through the shop she cam to the bird section and happened upon this lone, plain bird in a cage. beneath the cage were the words "Crunch Bird" Being curious, she asked the proprieter just what this meant. "Well" he said "you see this bird will destroy anything you request. all you have to do is say to him "crunch bird, the table" or "crunch bird the chair and he will do your bidding. Well she was tickled by this and although the bird cost her $500, she immediately bought the bird and took him home. When her husband got home he looked at the bird and said "What is this?!?" She explained to him that it was a rare crunch bird and what it could do and took the bird out of the cage to demonstrate. Her husband looked at the receipt to see what the bird cost and exploded "Crunch Bird MY ASS!!!!" ========== Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 16:48:13 ADT From: John Hansen <HANSEJD@ACAD1.UNBSJ.CA> Subject: Top Ten List (PG- Violence) Top Ten Phrases You'd Rather Not See in Your Obituary or Coroner's Report 1. "...barely visible from the road..." 2. "...The Crown is expected to launch a public inquiry into the rampant abuse of the day pass..." 3. "...the head chief assured authorities that it was a 'one in a million' thing..." 4. "...seemingly picked at random from the telephone directory..." 5. "...whilst the torso has eluded investigators until this point in time..." 6. "...Albanian fanatics..." 7. "...partially clad..." 8. "...Lachine canal..." 9. "...the thirty-seven hammer blows to the head an obvious suicide..." 10." ...was apparently taunting the neighbour's pet ferret.." Rotsa Rove, John ========== Date: Sat, 22 May 1993 12:22:36 -0400 From: Thomas Rowe <trowe@UWSPMAIL.UWSP.EDU> Subject: Most offensive joke I know (sick) One of the posts for May 21 reminded me... Q. What do you call a Somalian woman with a yeast infection? A. A quarter pounder with cheese. ========== Date: Sat, 22 May 1993 22:36:54 EDT From: Bob Kamper <KAMPER@NERVM.NERDC.UFL.EDU> Subject: The murder of the English Tongue - G rated These are some examples of unintentional humor collected by Skip Lowery, an English teacher. They appeared in an article entitled "Replay that again, Sam!". Don't know the journal or the issue. Shouldn't offend anyone except English teachers. "I misread it wrong." "Van Gogh painted a self-portrait of himself." "When we explore the Hebrew and Greek Religions, the contrasting differences become apparent." "The Greeks had the first democracy to be run by the people." ... The winner of the word rerun award goes to a college freshman who began his composition: "In the modern world of today." THe instructor wrote the word REDUNDANT above the phrase, along with other comments to aid the student in a required revision. Later that week he showed me the rewritten version, handing me the paper with a you're -not-gonna-believe-this expression on his face. The first sentence now read: "In the modern world, redundant, of today. . ." "Perspiration pours off me like sweat!" "Our efforts will be immortalized forever." ========== Date: Mon, 24 May 1993 15:16:37 -0300 From: Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU> Subject: The Final Simplification (fwd) I wrote this one evening and it became the epilogue of my dissertation. The Final Simplification ------------------------ Once before a console dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, Over many a quaint and curious volume of Macsyma lore--- While I wavered, nearly napping, suddenly there came a snapping, A snap, snap, snap reverberating throughout the core. `` `Tis some daemon,'' I muttered, ``examining my network door--- Only this and nothing more.'' It was a long ago hour in May, I still remember to this day, When this apparition first upon me bore. I had eagerly sought to reduce untold numbers of symbols loose, More> Beelzebub tells you: hello there... T It was a long ago hour in May, I still remember to this day, When this apparition first upon me bore. I had eagerly sought to reduce untold numbers of symbols loose, More> Beelzebub tells you: hello there... Loose throughout my machine's memory store--- Just this and nothing more. Vainly, I had tried to crunch my symbols down to a decent bunch, But with no success; there was no clever method I could adore. I had wished to bring to fruition the final goal of my tuition, The very last cause that drove me now ahead and to the fore--- Simply this and nothing more. The mad shimmering of my screen was the last thing I had seen, Thrilling me with fantastic errors I had never encountered before. And now came this gentle snapping, almost as if something was quietly tapping, Tapping into my computer's core, Seeking its way in---to be released, nevermore! I knew then this was no turtle, but instead another hurdle, More> T It was a long ago hour in May, I still remember to this day, When this apparition first upon me bore. I had eagerly sought to reduce untold numbers of symbols loose, More> Beelzebub tells you: hello there... Loose throughout my machine's memory store--- Just this and nothing more. Vainly, I had tried to crunch my symbols down to a decent bunch, But with no success; there was no clever method I could adore. I had wished to bring to fruition the final goal of my tuition, The very last cause that drove me now ahead and to the fore--- Simply this and nothing more. The mad shimmering of my screen was the last thing I had seen, Thrilling me with fantastic errors I had never encountered before. And now came this gentle snapping, almost as if something was quietly tapping, Tapping into my computer's core, Seeking its way in---to be released, nevermore! I knew then this was no turtle, but instead another hurdle, More> T And now came this gentle snapping, almost as if something was quietly tapping, Tapping into my computer's core, Seeking its way in---to be released, nevermore! I knew then this was no turtle, but instead another hurdle, More> Impeding me from the goal I could only now abhor. It was a symbolic processor, its algorithms mere gossamer, Poking its ever expanding heap into the my system's memory store--- Planning to hold onto each and every bit forevermore! Soon, I would lose all ability for swapping, my calculations would all be flopping, And yet it would still demand even more! I knew then there was no turning back; I would soon have to make my attack, My attack on this monstrous memoryivore--- Now or nevermore! So, strengthening my emaciated will, I stalked my potential kill, Making monitoring its process status my only chore. Suddenly, with an outrageous cry, I knew finally it would have to die; I threw an interrupt at it like the Hammer of Thor--- More> T So, strengthening my emaciated will, I stalked my potential kill, Making monitoring its process status my only chore. Suddenly, with an outrageous cry, I knew finally it would have to die; I threw an interrupt at it like the Hammer of Thor--- More> To stop it now and forevermore! Unfortunately, the system hung, and I knew right away I would be done, Done, unless I lept to a distant shore. ``So it's to be hardball,'' I thought. ``Then that's how it will be fought, Man versus symbol manipulator, a contest not unlike war--- Raw power to the victor; to the vanquished, nothing more!'' With a nervous twitch, I hunted for the switch To reboot the system and wipe clean the core. I pushed the rocker cleanly and smiled a little meanly With full knowledge that I had finally cleared the score, For now and forevermore! Ah, but the system did not reboot or make even the least little hoot, And this made my anger wax very sore. More> T With full knowledge that I had finally cleared the score, For now and forevermore! Ah, but the system did not reboot or make even the least little hoot, And this made my anger wax very sore. More> I thought then, ``I will remove its damned felicity by eliminating its source of electricity,'' And squatted purposefully to the floor--- ``Once the cord goes, this beast will haunt me nevermore!'' Well, I tugged and twisted, but the cord easily resisted, And out of nowhere, it appeared I had become embued with gore. My own body was now struggling against the process still juggling Symbols in an ever widening sweep around the computer's core--- Ever wider, they began to seep into my body's pores. Many years since have passed, but I have yet to see my last, And the last of the symbols which I now abhor. The only revolution has been my traumatic evolution Into a symbiotic memory hog, thrashing on the floor--- Rationally simplifying for now and forevermore! ========== Date: Mon, 24 May 1993 15:16:19 EDT From: Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET> Subject: Smart aleck kids humor How do you spell blind pig? Answer: B-l-n-d p-g. You have to spell it that way because a blind pig has no eyes. Two boys were born of the same mother at the same time, yet they were not twins. How is this possible? Answer: They were triplets. Where was Solomon's temple? Answer: On the side of his head. How did a man escape from his jail cell in which the only piece of furni- ture was a table? Answer: He rubbed his hands until they were sore. Then sawed the table in half. Two halves made a whole. He hollered through the hole until he was hoarse; then he jumped on the horse and rode away. ;-> A son asked his penny-pinching father to explain the difference between valor and discretion. "Valor, my boy, is dinning in a high-class restau- rant and not tipping the waiter. Discretion is eating at another place the next time." ========== Date: Mon, 24 May 1993 18:59:50 GMT From: ns009-fins2!NSBRK@MBS0.ATTMAIL.COM Organization: UBS Securities Subject: I'd rather... Does any one know any good responses to questions such as; "How would you like to ...?" ie: "I'd rather drown in my own vomit." It's not the best example, but you get the idea. ========== Date: Mon, 24 May 1993 14:46:21 -0500 From: Shawn T Poulter-1 <poul0004@STUDENT.TC.UMN.EDU> Subject: Re: I'd rather... "I'd rather be circumsized with a chainsaw." "I'd rather have root canal surgery." ========== Date: Mon, 24 May 1993 15:13:38 CDT From: BK Rogers <bkr@PPCO.COM> Subject: Re: I'd Rather I'd rather drink a warm baloney malt. I'd rather drink a dill pickle daiquiri. ========== Date: Mon, 24 May 1993 17:50:08 EST From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET> Subject: Dangerfield humor <Adult themes> "My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutly no good." "If it weren't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all." "I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now." "My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker." "I knew a girl that was so fat that when guys had sex with her they had to ask for directions." ========== Date: Mon, 24 May 1993 23:05:29 BST From: Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK> Subject: I'd rather ... (could shock the shockable I'd rather... ... have sex with Bill, discuss politics with Hilary, and have lunch with Socks. ... push my car up hill with a limp organ up the exhaust ... be stuck on a desert island with Margaret Thatcher, George Bush, and Ronald Reagan, and be the only one with a vote... ... be stuck on a desert island with Teddy Kennedy on his Bridge night... ... cut my lawn with a nail-file ... be in Bosnia carrying a large sign saying OK YOU SERBIAN BASTARDS COME AND GET ME! ========== Date: Mon, 24 May 1993 18:28:21 EDT From: "Tanya J. Utt" <TJUTTX@TSRV1.TS.WM.EDU> Subject: Blonde jokes <slightly offensive> What is the similarity between a blonde and a computer? >You don't appreciate either one until they go down on you. What is the difference between a computer and a blonde? >The blonde goes down more often. ========== Date: Tue, 25 May 1993 10:08:30 +1000 From: Melanie Brann <Melanie.Brann@AUSPORT.TELEMEMO.AU> Subject: Workplace motto ------------------------------ Start of body part 1 This was circulated around my work recently. I thought it was appropriate for my area. 8-) Melanie THE END OF THE DAY All work completed; All customers satisfied; All staff happy; All pigs fed and ready to fly. ------------------------------ End of forwarded message 1 ========== Date: Mon, 24 May 1993 18:06:10 PDT From: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 1.C A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago, big To conquer the enemy without resorting to war is the most desirable. The highest form of generalship is to conquer the enemy by strategy. -Ancient Chinese Warlord To me old age is 15 years older than I am. -Bernard Baruch Everything considered, work is less boring than amusing oneself. -Charles Baudelaire The employer generally gets the employees he deserves. -Walter Bilbey I have lived in the world just long enough to look carefully the second time into those things that I am most certain of the first time. -Josh Billings Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. -Ashleigh Brilliant Friendships are fragile things, and require as much handling as any other fragile and precious thing. -Randolph S. Bourne Top executives cannot afford to be isolated from the people below, who are in better touch with what is going on, and cannot afford to set unrealistic goals. -Charles Burck Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death. -James F. Byrnes You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer yes without having asked any clear question. -Albert Camus Let us keep our mouths shut and our pens dry until we know the facts. -A. J. Carlson Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do. -Dale Carnegie The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it is your move. -Frank Crane Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action. -Benjamin Disraeli Life is not a static thing. The only people who do not change their minds are incompetents in asylums, who can't and those in cemeteries. -Everett Dirksen Mediocrity requires aloofness to preserve its dignity. -Charles G. Dawes Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open. -Thomas Dewar Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong. -Dandemis Small opportunities are often the beginning of great enterprises. -Demosthenes The world is full of cactus, but we don't have to sit on it. -Will Foley If something goes wrong, it is more important to talk about who is going to fix it, than who is to blame. -Francis J. Gable Expressing anger is a form of public littering. -Willard Gaylin A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away. -- Barry Goldwater There are only 2 enterprises that refer to their customers as users, and one is illegal -Michael Hammer If it can't be understood, it's not finished yet. -Paul Herbig The secret to Hewlett-Packard's success is that we've simply got more bonfires burning at one time. -Bill Hewlett Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better. -Edgar W. Howe I try to have no plans the failure of which would greatly annoy me. Half the unhappiness in the world is due to the failure of plans which were never reasonable, and often impossible. -Edgar W. Howe If you want to get rid of somebody, just tell them something for their own good. -Kin Hubbard The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. -- Hubert Humphrey Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. -O. W. Holmes If it can't be understood, it's not finished yet. -Paul Herbig If I have to tell a guy he's got something to do, I consider myself a failure as a manager. -Bill Hewlett Give us the fortitude to endure the things which cannot be changed, and the courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to know one from the other. -Oliver J. Hart If it can't be understood, it's not finished yet. -Paul Herbig There are times when even the best manager is like the little boy with the big dog waiting to see where the dog wants to go so he can take him there. -Lee Iacocca There are times when even the best manager is like the little boy with the big dog waiting to see where the dog wants to go so he can take him there. -Lee Iacocca Everything must be done immediately even if it doesn't have to be. -Larry Kane You can't sit on the lid of progress. If you do, you will be blown to pieces. -Henry Kaiser The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. -- Henry Kissinger Consider carefully before you say a hard word to a man, but never let a chance to say a good one go by. Praise judiciously bestowed is money invested. -George Horace Lorimer What we see depends on mainly what we look for. -John Lubbock The more noise a motor or a man makes the less power is available. -W. R. McGeary The person who walks alone is soon trailed by the FBI. -Wright Morris If the ends don't justify the means, then what does? -- Robert Moses When people cease to complain, they cease to think. -Napolean An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides correctly, but he always decides. -John H. Patterson In all labor there is profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty. -Proverbs Those who obstinately oppose the most widely held opinions more often do so because of pride than lack of intelligence. They find the best places in the right set already taken, and they do not want back seats. -La Rochefoucauld The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it. -Theodore Roosevelt Do you know what a pessimist is? A person who thinks everybody as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. -George Bernard Shaw Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then print the chaff. -- Adlai Stevenson It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. -Cecile Stewart Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate. If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if brusque, your character. -Jonathan Swift Most novices picture themselves as masters - and are content with the picture. This is why there are so few masters. -Jean Toomer All you need in this life is ignorance and confindence, and then success is sure. -Mark Twain The paths of glory at least lead to the grave, but the paths of duty may not get you any where. -James Thurber Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active. -Leonardo da Vinci Never rise to speak till you have something to say; and when you have said it, cease. -Witherspoon Isolation breeds conceit. -Charles Dudley Warner Nothing is ever lost by courtesy. It is the cheapest of the pleasures; costs nothing and conveys much. It pleases him who receives, and thus, like mercey, is twice blessed. -Erastus Wiman ------------------------------------------------------------------ 11 HUMOR12 ======= Date: Mon, 24 May 1993 15:30:41 ADT From: John Hansen <HANSEJD@ACAD1.UNBSJ.CA> Subject: THE GREAT SAGE (G rated) A woman was reading the paper one day and noticed an article about a great, reclusive wise man who resided in the hills of Tibet. The article went on to say how people came from the four corners of the Earth just to touch the hem of his garment. Intrigued by this she booked a flight for India and would make her way by train and then by foot, if necessary, to find this man. Upon her arrival in New Dehli, she booked passage on the next train to Tibet. The travel agent who sold her the ticket said, "May I ask the purpose of your journey?" "Well," she said. "I'm going to find the great wise man who lives in the hills of Tibet." "Ah yes," said the agent. "But you must remember one thing when you go. You may only speak three words to him. No more." When the train arrived in Tibet, she inquired of the locals how she may make her way to the mountain where he lived. They told her a team of Sherpas will take her right to his palace but, they reminded her, she may only speak three words to the great sage. Two weeks later she arrived on the mountaintop and stood before the huge golden palace. Several servants ran up to her and said that she had been expected. They then promptly took her to a gigantic room full of ostriches, monkeys and elephants. At the far, far end of the room stood, no hovered, a man who appeared to have achieved Nirvana. A man came to her side and said, "I will take you to the great sage now. But remember, you may only speak three words to him." Now she stood before the sage who had his eyes closed and looked as though he was in a dream state as he hovered above his pillow on the floor. When he opened his eyes, the woman spoke. "HOWARD! COME HOME!!!" Love, John ========== Date: Mon, 24 May 1993 21:21:28 EST From: Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET> Subject: Ambition <clean> Well-digging is a great job if you are willing to start at the top! And there was this vo-tech grad who went home to visit his maw. He was looking forward to laying around a few days and eating up some of his maw's good vittles. The first morning he went into the kitchen to get fed. His maw asks, "Did you notice that big pile of wood over there?" "Yeah, I seen it, maw." "Mind your grammar," snapped his maw. "You should say you saw it." "Maw, you saw me see it, but you ain't seen me saw it." If you want a place in the sun, you must expect to get a few blisters. And then there was this salesman, an order-taker really, who I heard say: "I wouldn't mind the rat race so much if I could jsut have a little more cheese." Each year it takes less time to fly around the world and more time to drive to work. ========== Date: Mon, 24 May 1993 17:35:56 -0700 <POSTMASTER@UGA.BITNET> Comments: <Parser> E: RFC822 "local part" (username) containing a blank was encountered. These usernames are not presently supported. Comments: <Parser> E: Mail origin cannot be determined. Comments: <Parser> E: Original tag data was -> "PC::MRGATE::\"A1::CORNELIUS, MICHAEL\""@PC.BITNET From: Undetermined origin c/o Postmaster <POSTMASTER@UGA.BITNET> Subject: Re: I'd rather... I'd rather have monkey's fly up my butt. ========== Date: Tue, 25 May 1993 09:13:48 EDT From: walt <WALTERP@NERVM.NERDC.UFL.EDU> True story: About a year ago I sent a fax letter to another part of campus. Later in the day came a telephone call from a staff member in the department. "You know," she said, "you sent this to the wrong address. I'm sending it back to you." Which she did. ========== Date: Tue, 25 May 1993 09:28:06 -0300 From: Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU> Subject: What if organized religion took over checking accounts? (fwd) A friend and I were talking about what would happen if organized religion (and philosophers) took over checking accounts. With due respect to Chuck Hensey for helping me come up with this list, here they are: The Existentialist Plan: Spend all of your money however you like with reckless abandon: the world will blow up anyway. The Catholic Plan: Write as many rubber checks as you like. As long as you apologize profusely, the bank will cover them for you. (A small penalty applies.) The Jewish Plan: Write as many checks as you like. You will be made to feel guilty whether they bounce or not. The Presbyterian Plan: It doesn't matter how many checks you bounce or how much money you started with. You are predestined to inherit all of the money in the world anyway. The Hindu Plan: Write as many checks as you want. Please be advised that too many bad checks may postpone nirvana. You may be reincarnated as a collection agency. The Southern Baptist Plan: No limit on the amount of checks you can write, as long as you don't have any sort of fun doing so. Beware of original guilt. The Branch Davidian Plan: Write as many bad checks as you like and thumb your nose at all financial regulations of the bank. You will be guaranteed a cover photo on _Time_, _Newsweek_, and _U.S. News & World Report_ for your troubles. ========== Date: Tue, 25 May 1993 09:54:10 EDT ADKO@NMUMUS.BITNET> From: ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center <ADKO@NMUMUS.BITNET> Subject: Clean Text, PG-13 Theme (70 Lines) Lengthy but necessary.... During the time of the settlement of the great plains, there was a soldier so brave and so strong that he was nearing legendary status across the land. All the Indian tribes still living on the plains had heard tales of this remarkable man. Well one day a tribal chief got word that the famous soldier was in the area and was reported camped out alone. Deciding this would be a great chance to earn fear and respect from neighboring tribes he sent out his strongest 10 warriors to capture the soldier. The men left the tribe at dawn and the chief waited all day for the return of his warriors with his captured prize. About sunset one lone warrior returned to camp looking incredibly bedraggled. When questioned by the chief he reported that this soldier was indeed great and had taken on all 10 warriors single handledly. He defeated the other nine and the last warrior narrowly escaped before he too, was killed. While the chief was impressed by the story he realized he had just lost nine of his best men to this legendary soldier. At dawn the next morning he ordered all men in the tribe to ride out to capture the soldier. All day he waited for their return and finally about sunset, three quarters of his men returned towing a very tired, very weary soldier. When placed before him, the chief looked him over carefully and said, "I am indeed impressed by you soldier. You have bested nine of my bravest warriors single handedly and even took out a few more when my entire male tribe came to capture you. You truly are as great as your reputation. But surely you realize you must die. You will be scalped and left for dead. But because you have shown yourself to be so strong and brave I will grant you one wish before we kill you. The soldier thought for a moment and then asked if he could speak to his horse. The chief thought this a very strange request but figured this soldier who traveled alone must have spent many many hours with the horse, perhaps it wasn't so bizarre after all. He immediately ordered the soldier's horse brought to him. The soldier went over to the horse, patted it lovingly on the neck and picked up one ear and wispered something into it. In a flash the horse took off and disappeared over the hills. A few hours later the horse returned carrying the most beautiful naked woman anyone had ever seen. Now the chief was more than impressed. A man that could issue orders to a horse and have them obeyed? And a horse that could find such glowing beauty in such a rugged land! The chief, being a fair man told the soldier because he was so amazed with this last feat, his scalping would be postponed and he could spend the evening with the woman in the chief's Tepee. After a wonderful night the soldier came out of the Tepee ready to be killed. The chief in one last moment of weakness decided the soldier had really been a good sport about all of this and asked if he had any last requests. The soldier simply replied he would like to speak to his horse again. The chief could only imagine what he would see next and granted the soldier's wish. The soldier went over to his horse, picked up one ear and yelled at the top of his lungs "I SAID POSSE!" Kathleen Olivier ADKO@NMUMUS *********************************** * My sense of humor may be warped * * But at least I've got one! * *********************************** ========== Date: Tue, 25 May 1993 08:07:00 PDT From: "Briggs, Vickie" <VBriggs@UNEX.UCLA.EDU> Subject: I'd Rather........ I'd rather eat shit and die. I'd rather kiss a frog. I'd rather bite nails. ========== Date: Tue, 25 May 1993 11:20:50 EDT From: "John B. Harlow" <76520.3144@COMPUSERVE.COM> Subject: Golf Story A woman tees off for a round of golf immediately following a golf lesson. Twenty minutes later she is back at the pro shop grimacing in pain. When asked by the pro what is wrong, she says "I was bitten by a bee on the second hole". He replies "I told you your stance was too wide". ========== Date: Tue, 25 May 1993 12:43:12 GMT Comments: CLEAN, BUT STUPID From: MICHAEL G MILLER <MILLER3@MAIL.LOC.GOV> Subject: CLEAN, BUT STUPID .... set my hair on fire and put it out with a tack hammer Then there was the lady sherrif who woke up every morning and shaved her posse. ========== Date: Tue, 25 May 1993 12:52:00 EST From: HARSH <HARSH@CRNLGSM.BITNET> Subject: (G)love Someone sent this to me a while ago...author unknown..enjoy! ------------------- A Mismatched Pair of Gloves .... A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart, and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves, and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the man sealed the package and sent it to her with this note... Dearest Darling, This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten your birthday. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger sister's advice, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are very easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on, and she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you for the time. No doubt that other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them, or they might shrink. I hope you will like them, and will wear them for me on Friday night! All my love.... P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing. ========== Date: Tue, 25 May 1993 15:53:00 GMT From: Dougal Campbell <mtronics!DCampbel@MULTI.ATTMAIL.COM> Subject: Re: I'd rather... >Does any one know any good responses to questions such as; > "How would you like to ...?" > > ie: "I'd rather drown in my own vomit." > >It's not the best example, but you get the idea. Plagarizing from Weird Al Yankovik's song "One More Minute": "I'd rather jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks. Or stick my nostrils together with Krazy Glue. I'd rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue, Than spend one more minute with you." "I'd rather have my blood sucked out by leeches..." [...] "I'd rather rip my heart right out of my ribcage and throw it on the ground and stomp on it 'til I die.... Than spend one more minute with you." ========== Date: Tue, 25 May 1993 14:06:28 -0400 From: Patti Johnson <johnson@MICRONET.WCU.EDU> Subject: G - horneryness Anybody from the south (US) might have heard the term 'hornery'... it basically means 'hard to get along with'... very hard. My father-in-law's sister recently came up with a 'he's so hornery' I thought I'd share: He's so hornery he'd argue with a fence post & when he's done, he'd pull it up & argue with the hole! I got a real kick out of that. I think she was talking about my father-in-law! patti ========== Date: Tue, 25 May 1993 15:43:17 -0400 From: Richard <richard@ERICIR.SYR.EDU> Subject: G-rated but cute "I am forever flawed." -----W. C. Fields "I'm probably a cad. Are you by any chance a weak woman?" -----Humphrey Bogart, in the movie "Men Are Such Fools" ========== Date: Tue, 25 May 1993 14:53:05 CDT From: Don Wozniak <DFW@UWWVM.UWW.EDU> Subject: Dog's day I heard this on a radio commercial: They say every dog has his day. Do you still get a day if you don't have a dog? ========== Date: Tue, 25 May 1993 16:07:58 EST From: Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET> Subject: Profoundly silly questions What is the ultimate importance of the Super Bowl? When visiting in a friend's house, why do you or don't you look in their medicine cabinet? Why is a sculpture of a nude considered art, but a photograph of a nude considered pornographic? How can one practice being spontaneous? Why do we cry at happy endings? Did Adam have a navel? Why does Swiss cheese have holes? Which would you rather have? (A) a wife who is a witch; (B) a servant who is a Genie; (C) an uncle who is a Martian; (D) a mother who is a car; or (E) a father who whores around? How do you get the stain out of glass? Must you be a bilingual waitress to serve people in an International House of Pancakes? If trailer parks didn't exist, would tornadoes exist? Is the devil male or female? ========== Date: Wed, 26 May 1993 14:35:27 GMT From: ns009-fins2!NSBRK@MBS0.ATTMAIL.COM Organization: UBS Securities Subject: Homosexual joke (R) My husband told me this one yesterday: A homosexual walks into a butcher shop and askes for a salami, so the butcher asks whether he would like his salami sliced or whole. " Of course I want it whole!" the homo says, " does my ass look like a piggy bank to you?" sorry ;-) ========== Date: Wed, 26 May 1993 13:13:35 EDT From: Evandro Curvelo <EVANDRO@BRUFSE.BITNET> Subject: What's the best ? Men or Cookies ? Sorry my English. We Brazilians speak Portuguese (not Pork and Geese!). I have an old single friend. I asked her about get marry... she answered: Reasons why Cookie Dough is better than men ======== 1. It's enjoyable hard or soft 2. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better 3. It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it 4. You always want to swallow 5. It won't complain if you share it with friends 6. It's "quick and convenient 7. You can enjoy it more than once. 8. It comes already protectively wrapped. 9. You can make it as large as you want. 10. If you don't finish it you can save it for later. 11. It's easier to get the kind you want. 12. You can comparison shop. 13. It's easier to find in a grocery store. 14. You can put it away when you've had enough. 15. You know yours has never been eaten before. 16. It won't complain if you chew on it. 17. It comes chocolate flavored. 18. You always know when to get rid of it. 19. You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed. 20. It's always ready to go. 21. won't get arrested if you eat it in public. 22. You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed. 23. It won't wake you up because it's hard. 24. You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it. 25. You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like you're bragging. 26. It won't take up room in your bed. 27 It's easy to pick up. 28 You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around. 29. You know what the extra weight is from. 30. It won't get jealous if you pick up another one. 31. It never has an insecurity problem with its size. 32. It is very pliable. Reasons why men are better than cookie dough ========= 1. fewer calories 2. you don't burn calories eating cookie dough 3. men don't need to be refrigerated 4. cookie dough can only be eaten once 5. you have to pay for cookie dough 6. cookie dough doesn't keep you warm at night 7. cookie dough comes a non-biodegradable wrapper 8. Kissing cookie dough just isn't satisfying 9. Cookie dough stains 10. Cookie dough never gives you flowers 11. Hugging cookie dough is messy 12. Cookie dough doesn't eat you ========== Date: Wed, 26 May 1993 12:38:29 EST From: Peter Greenberg <AISPG@CUVMC.BITNET> Subject: Inoffensive but stupid Two ham sandwiches walk into a bar. One asks the bartender for a beer. Bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here." Peter Greenberg (joke is from the "autorace" list, believe it or not) ========== Date: Wed, 26 May 1993 12:42:44 EST From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET> Subject: Dangerfield humor <adult themes> "I got myself good this morning too. I did my push ups in the nude, but I didn't see the mouse trap." "A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over there's nobody home.' I went over and nobody was home!" "A hooker once told me she had a headache." "I went to message parlor. It was self service." "My only thrill is self inflicted, hickies." ========== Date: Wed, 26 May 1993 18:18:00 BST From: Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK> Subject: More religious banks, Woody Allen's hobbies, silliness 25 May 1993 09:28:06 -0300 from <cecalw@EDU.GWU.GWUNIX2> On Tue, 25 May 1993 09:28:06 -0300 Amy Ward said: > >A friend and I were talking about what would happen if organized religion >(and philosophers) took over checking accounts. With due respect to Chuck >Hensey for helping me come up with this list, here they are: Some suggested additions:- The Salvation Army Plan: You can have a check book, but you'll never have time to use it; you'll be too busy playing in the band. The Quaker Plan: You have a check-book, but you only use it when the spirit moves you The Jehovahs Witness Plan: You don't overdraw, because you know if you do, two people will call and you'll never get rid of them The Mormons Plan: It's similar to a normal account, except that you have to use the check-book of Mormon. The Church of England Plan: You don't actually believe there's any money in the account, but you make regular use of it for the sake of appearances. The Ulster Presbyterian Plan: YOU know there's no money in the account; EVERYONE knows there's no money in the account; there's NEVER going to be any money in the account, but you insist on having an enormous decorated check-book, a flag, and regular street-marches to celebrate the account. The Carmelite Plan: Very understanding: even if you overdraw, no-one says a word! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'd rather be ... ...Woody Allen's 13-year-old step-daughter on a rainy Monday evening, when he was feeling too miserable to walk to Michael's Pub, and really needed cheering up... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Innoffensive but stupid" Dept. Two peanuts were walking down the street; one was assaulted. The Police and Fire Departments in Washington DC have formed a new softball team called "Guns 'n' Hoses (allegedly true!) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Serious question: can someone enlighten me off-list as to who Dangerfield is? Thanks. ========== Date: Wed, 26 May 1993 13:47:00 -0400 From: Sharon Rondeau <SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET> Subject: Another Homosexual Joke Two burly types are watching a couple of gays play golf, shaking their heads and clucking to themselves. Finally, one picks up a golf ball and throws it at one of the gays, hitting him in the head. The gay swishes over to him, shakes his finger and says, "I won't let you get away with that, I'll sue, sue, sue." The burly guy snarls, "Aah, suck my cock." Upon returning to his companion he is asked, "What happened?" To which he replies, "We decided to settle out of court." ========== Date: Wed, 26 May 1993 14:33:19 ADT From: John Hansen <HANSEJD@ACAD1.UNBSJ.CA> Subject: Re: I'd rather... I'd rather go to a Melanie Grifith movie marathon. John, The Falafel Slayer ========== Date: Wed, 26 May 1993 15:36:25 -0700 From: Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU> Subject: RATED R JOKE An Italian in America (Must be read with an Italian accent) One day ima gonna America to bigga hotel. Inna morning I go downa to eata breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She bringa me only one piss. I tella he I wanna piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eata at the bigga restaurant. The waitress bringa me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tella me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit onna my bet. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to checkout of the hotel and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you" I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy! Laters ========== Date: Wed, 26 May 1993 17:44:55 EDT From: "John B. Harlow" <76520.3144@COMPUSERVE.COM> Subject: Prison Joke (R & stereotypes) Upon arriving at prison to serve time for insider trading, a slight jewish investment banker is put in a cell with a big motherfucker of a black guy. When he enters the cell, the black guy says "there's just two thangs we got to get straight ace, you wanna be de husband or de wife" To which the investment banker replies tentatively "the husband, uhh uhh what's the second thing" The black guy responds "git on over here and suck your wife's dick" ========== Date: Wed, 26 May 1993 17:52:14 PDT Comments: Warning -- original Sender: tag was Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM From: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 1.D A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago, big ******** One professor at school (an econ prof) had a strict policy that the hourly examinations were done at the bell and anyone who kept writing on their exam after the bell would take a zero on the exam. Well, one guy kept writing on his exam for a while after the bell and then confidently strode up to turn it in. The prof looked at him and said "don't bother to hand that paper in...you get a zero for continuing after the bell." The guy looked at him and said, "Professor, do you know who I am!!" The professor replied, "No, and I don't care if your dad is president of the United States...you get a zero on this exam" The guy, with a enraged look on his face, shouted, "You mean you have no idea who I am???" The professor responded, "No, I've no idea who you think you are." With that, the guy said "good," plunged his exam into the middle of the stack of other students exams, and did a hasty retreat from the examination room!!! ******** Once upon a time, there was a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer, and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S". The Dealer asks "why 'S'?" and the snail replies "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving." Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique oportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted (for a small fee). The snail get's his new car, and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!" **** What do they call two Mexicans playing Basketball together? Juan on Juan. ************ Two farmers where discussing who had the meanest dog. One who had a very mean looking Doberman insisted that his was the meanest and that it could lick any other dog in the county. The second just looked at his mangy old yellow dog and said that he would wager his against any dog in the country. Well after some animated discussion they finally decided to let the dogs fight it out. After a very short snarling match the old yellow dog leaps on the Doberman and kills it outright. The first farmer was aghast. His dog had been beating other dogs for years and had never had more than a small scratch or two. He turns to the other farmer and asks "What kind of dog did you say that was?" The first farmer replies "Well before he lost his tail we called him a Mountain Lion!" *********** A farmer down the road had a fairly large herd of cows and three bulls. Each bull keeping a strict eye on his portion of the cows. Well anyway a rumour comes around that the farmer is going to get another bull and the three bulls are standing in the field discussing this. The first bull says "Well there's no way he's going to get any of my cows." The second bull agrees "Ya, I'm not giving up any he can wait till next year and get some of the new ones." The third bull who was a bit smaller says "Well I don't have as many as you guys so I'm not giving any up." Finally the new bull arrives. The first three gather at the edge of the field to watch him being unloaded from the trailor. To their consternation the biggest, meanest Brahma bull they have ever seen comes strolling down the ramp and glares at them. He's at least three times bigger than any of them. The first bull looks around nervously and says "Well now, I suppose it would be a neighbourly thing to give this guy some cows, I think I'll give him twenty of mine." The second bull says "Ya I guess so, I'll give him thirty of mine." They look over at the small bull. He's busy pawing the grass, snorting and shaking his head. They go over and ask him what he's doing and suggest that he should give up some cows to. He says "Yes I know, I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!" ************ Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean. The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czeckoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and started to eat him alive (he didn't stay alive for long!). The other guy turned around and ran for his life. A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it. Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to to shoot. "I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar." "QUICK! make up your mind!" said the ranger. "O.k.," said the other, "it was the male." The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man. "But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?" the other man asked. "Well," said the ranger, "I never trust anyone who says that the Czeck's in the male." :-) ************ An elderly gentleman was spending one of his leisurely afternoons at the museum. On this particular day, the museum was displaying some modern art by local artists. The man didn't think much of the so called "modern art" he had seen before, but he decided to at least give it a chance before he passed judgement on it. He approached a peculiar (to him anyway) painting which had caught his attention. He stopped and stared and pondered and stared some more and pondered and ...(you get the idea). Suddenly, the man burst into laughter. He was laughing so hard, everyone else in the museum turned to see what the clamor was about. It just so happened that the artist who painted the work of art saw what was happening and ran over to the elderly gentleman. The artist exclaimed, "Why are you laughing at my painting?! You don't know ANYTHING about modern art!!" The elderly man stopped laughing long enough to reply, "I don't know anything about laying eggs either, but I know a rotten one when I see it!" ************ One day, the Pope, Billy Graham, and President Benson, (current president of the Mormon Church,) were out fishing on a lake. The Pope says, "Oh dear! I forgot the can of worms." So he climbs out of the boat and walks on the water to the pier, gets the can of worms, walks on the water back to the boat and gets in the boat. President Benson says, "I forgot the fishing tackle." So he gets out of the boat, walks on the water to the pier, gets the tackle, and walks back. Billy Graham, not to be outdone, says, "I forgot the pop." So he gets out of the boat and promply sinks into the water. The Pope turns to President Benson and says, "Should we show him where the rocks are?" And President Benson says, "What rocks?" ******* President Benson, (president of the Mormon Church,) was visiting the Pope at the Vatican. While there, he asked the Pope if he could use his telephone to make a call to Heaven. The Pope said that he could. After President Benson was through, he went to the Pope and said, "I talked for six minutes. How much do I owe you for the long distance call?" The Pope named a price and President Benson paid. A few months later, the Pope was visiting President Benson in Salt Lake City. And while there, needed to make a call to Heaven. So he got permission from President Benson to use his phone. After the call, the Pope said to President Benson, "I talked for eight minutes. How much do I owe you for the call?" President Benson said, "Nothing. It's a local call." ************* BUREAUCRACY: a method for tranforming energy into solid waste. ************* A professor watched while a mechanic removed engine parts from his car to get to the valves. A surgeon, waiting for his car being repaired, walked over to observe the process. After they introduced themselves, they began talking, and the talk turned to their lines of work. "You know, doctor," the professor said, "I sometimes believe this type of work is complicated as the work we do." "Perhaps," the surgeon replied. "But let's see him do it when the engine is running." ************* Three professionals were discussing the nature of God. The doctor said, "The Bible states that God made Woman by taking a rib out of Man; God is obviously a surgeon." The engineer replied, "But before God made man he created Heaven and Earth out of Chaos; this is obviously the work of a master eningeer. The lawyer just smiled and said, "But who do you think created the chaos?" ************* A lawyer and a pope died on the same day, and both went to heaven. When the pope noticed that the lawyer had a larger mansion, he questioned Saint Peter about the allocation of rewards. The justification was "Well, we've had 265 popes up here, but this is the FIRST lawyer!" ************* One day at the Vatican, a papal aide rushes in to the Pope's office and says, "Your Holiness! Good news and bad news!" The Pope replies, "What's the good news?" "Jesus Christ is on the phone." "That's great news, what can be so bad?" "He's calling from Utah." ************* More you know you are in trouble when: You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold. Your four year old tells you that its almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet. Your car costs more to fill up that it did to buy. The bird singing outside of your window is a vulture. Airline food starts to taste good. You have to borrow from your Visa to pay off your MasterCard. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money. ========== Date: Wed, 26 May 1993 11:08:00 PDT From: Kevin Hannett <aboudreau@SHL.COM> Subject: Duke Credit for this joke goes to Karen Sbrocchi (KSbrocchi@shl.com). Once upon a time there was this man who was quite infatuated with this woman. He longed to go out on a date with her. Finally after much consideration he worked up his nerve and asked her on a date. Being that this was way back when and a "Proper" date was one where the parents had to meet you he had to go to her house for dinner. The day had come and he went to her house for dinner. He had a scrumptious seven course meal and was quite full. After dinner the father invited him into the den for a brandy and to find out his intentions regarding his daughter. Into the den they went and he sat on a cushiony leather chair which was perfect to sip a brandy on and have stimulating conversation with which he hoped would be one day his future father-in-law. Even the faithful black dog "Duke" curled at the bottom of his feet. During this conversation he could hear his tummy grumble and churn and he knew that before long he would be passing wind. Sure enough after trying to hold it in he let one rip right out of him. The cushiony chair took most of the impact but the sound was still audible. The father shouted "Duke" and the man thought to himself this is great I can fart all night long and he thinks it is the dog. After awhile the same churning and grumbling started again only this time he didn't bother to hold back he let it rip. Again the father shouted "Duke" and again he thought to himself I can't believe what a set up I have here. I'm farting away and the dog is getting blamed. Again some time went by and he let another large, loud, obscene ripper tear out from under him. Only this time the father yelled: "Jesus! Duke! get the hell away from him before he shits all over you!!!" The End. ========== Date: Thu, 27 May 1993 12:46:13 +0200 From: "P. Molijn - S Soerjoesing" <suribros@DUTIKAT.TWI.TUDELFT.NL> Subject: i'd rather .... i would rather read my humor email for 50 days in a row then to look at your ............ ========== Date: Thu, 27 May 1993 08:59:00 CST From: Mike Novak <NOVAKMJ@SLUVCA.SLU.EDU> Subject: School humor (pg-13) On the first day of class the somewhat femme professor stated, "every Friday there will be a quizzicle, with a major exam every third week." The first Friday comes, and the exam is incredibly simple! One student says to another, "Wow, if these are his quizzicles, I can't wait to see his testicles!" ========== Date: Thu, 27 May 1993 11:41:59 -0400 From: Patti Johnson <johnson@MICRONET.WCU.EDU> Subject: asking a favor for mom We all know that laughter is the best medicine. And I know the guidelines for this list... but I'm asking a favor... My mom's in the hospital (Emory, Atlanta, GA) facing her second bypass operation in 6 months. Things don't look that fantastic since this has been coming on since March. But she's got a great sense of humor (complained about my granmother snoring all night, keeping her awake the night before last)... and I'm sure would appreciate some jokes. I've save what I could but am now asking if there're any hospital jokes that you think might be appropriate. That fart joke about Duke was just her style too. And for you Gary Larson lovers, today's cartoon of the horse hospital was also perfect. What I assemble, I'll WP and put together in a little booklet form... just for her. Thanks for any help you can give! Please e-mail to johnson@micronet.wcu.edu. Requests for compilations will be honored & I'll keep checking this list until I leave for the hospital, just in case. Thanks patti ========== Date: Thu, 27 May 1993 11:52:00 EDT From: "Michael B. Smith" <MBS116@PSUVM.BITNET> Subject: MEN.SCI 101 (PG?) Seminar for Males Once again, the female staff will be offering course to men of all marital status. Please note that the names of some of the courses have been changed. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is mandatory. __ 1. Combatting Stupidity. __ 2. You Can Do Housework Too. __ 3. PMS --- Learning When to Keep Your Mouth Shut. __ 4. How to Fill an Ice-Tray. __ 5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas. Give us Money. __ 6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4 a.m. __ 7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash my Silks"). __ 8. Parenting --- No, It Doesn't End with Conception. __ 9. Get a Life --- Learn to Cook. __ 10. How Not to Act Like an Asshole when YOU'RE Obviously Wrong. __ 11. Spelling --- Even You Can Get it Right. __ 12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence. __ 13. You --- The Weaker Sex. __ 14. Reasons to Give Flowers. __ 15. How to Stay Awake After Sex. __ 16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere But the Washroom. __ 17. Garbage --- Getting it to the Curb. __ 18. #101 - You CAN Fall Asleep Without IT --- If You Really Try. #102 - The Morning Dilemma --- If IT'S "Awake", Take a Shower. __ 19. I'll Wear it if I Darn Well Please. __ 20. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly called "No, It's Not a Bidet"). __ 21. The Weekend and Sports are NOT Synonymous. __ 22. Give Me a Break --- Why We Know Your Excuses are Bullshit. __ 23. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate Without Getting Lost. __ 24. The Remote Control --- Overcoming Your Dependency. __ 25. Romanticism --- Other Ideas Behind Sex. __ 26. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes. __ 27. Mothers-In-Law --- They Are Also People. __ 28. How Not to Act Younger Than Your Children. __ 29. You Too Can Be a Designated Driver. __ 30. Male Bonding --- Leaving Your Friends at Home. __ 31. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson --- Especially When Naked. __ 32. Changing Your Underwear --- It Really Works. __ 33. The Attainable Goal --- Omitting #%+*^&~ From Your Vocabulary. __ 34. Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is Not Necessary. __ 35. Nagging is in Our Genes. ========== Date: Thu, 27 May 1993 11:52:00 EDT From: "Michael B. Smith" <MBS116@PSUVM.BITNET> Subject: WOMEN.SCI 101 (PG?) SEMINARS FOR WOMEN 1. Combatting the Impulse to Nag 2. You Can Change the Oil Too 3. PMS - Learning to Sleep Over at Mother's 4. How to Fill a Beer Mug 5. We do not want Stationary for Christmas - PUT ON SLEAZY UNDERTHINGS 6. Understanding the Female Cause of Male Drunkenness 7. How to Do All Your Laundry in One Load and Have More Time to Watch Football 8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children so You Could Have Someone Other Than Him to Boss Around 9. How Not to Sob Like a Sponge When Your Husband is Right 10. Get a Life - Learn to Kill Spiders Yourself 11. Balancing a Checkbook - Even You Can Get it Right 12. You, the Whining Sex 13. Reasons to Give _ _ _ _ _ _ _ S 14. How to Stay Awake During Sex 15. Why it is Unacceptable to Talk About Placentas During Breakfast 16. Shopping - Doing it in Less Than 16 Hours 17. #101 You Can Use a Bed for More Than Just Sleep #102 It's OK to Do It Outside of the Bedroom 18. If You Want to Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother 19. How to Close the Garage Door 20. If You Don't Want an Excuse, Don't Demand an Explanation 21. Payday and Shopping Are Not Synonymous 22. How to Go Fishing With Your Mate and Not Catch Pneumonia 23. Living Without Power Windows - How to Turn a Crank 24. Romanticism - The Whole Point of Caviar, Candles, and Conversation 25. How to Stay Alive While Your Husband is Relaxing 26. Putting On Something Sexy - Why it Won't Ruin Your Brain 27. How to Act Younger Than Your Mother 28. You Too Can Carry a Backpack 29. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not the Women Who Complain About You the Most 30. Apologizing for Farting When You're On the Toilet is NOT Necessary 31. The Attainable Goal - Catching a Ball Before It Stops Moving 32. Honest, My Eyes Are Closed Because of the Passion I Feel ========== Date: Thu, 27 May 1993 11:58:15 EST From: Dani Mudge <DANI@USCN.BITNET> Subject: Condom joke <adult> Q. What do you call a condom flying through the air? A. pissefd>[D>[Dd off,ofdf>[D>[D>[D>[D>[D,off,and off ========== Date: Thu, 27 May 1993 09:15:22 -0800 From: LRICHARDS@EWU.EDU Subject: hospital joke pg13 A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some bad news. You have HAGS." "What is HAGS" the man asks. "It's herpes, AIDS, gonorhea, and syphilis" says the doctor. "Oh my God" says the man. "What are you going to do"? "We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza." "Is that going to help me" says the man. "No" says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door" ========== Date: Thu, 27 May 1993 16:34:12 BST From: Mr Hugh Armour <ha1@STIRLING.AC.UK> Subject: More School Humour (U) May 27, 93 8:59 am > >On the first day of class the somewhat femme professor stated, >"every Friday there will be a quizzicle, with a major exam every >third week." > >The first Friday comes, and the exam is incredibly simple! One >student says to another, "Wow, if these are his quizzicles, I can't >wait to see his testicles!" > This reminds me of a joke with two alternate punch-lines that I heard when I was in Primary School in the 70's. My nephew, who is six, came out with the same joke earlier this year, so I guess there still going strong in the Primary schools. The joke was: Q: Where does a general keep his armies. A: (1) Up his sleevies. (2) At the end of his wristies. Anyone got anything similar I can repeat to him. -- Hugh Armour Snail Mail: Computer & Media Services Division Senior Operator Cottrell Building Systems & Network Group University of Stirling STIRLING E-Mail: ha1@stirling.uk.ac Stirlingshire Scotland Phone : +44 786 74502 +44 786 67259 ========== Date: Thu, 27 May 1993 12:01:03 EDT From: Betty Braaksma <BRAAKSMA@VM2.YORKU.CA> Subject: more bull Note: slightly offensive to some. An old bull and a young bull were standing on a hillside, surveying their territory and looking upon their harem of cows in the pasture below. Suddenly the young bull notices that the farmer has accidentally left the gate into the pasture open. He nudges the old bull and says,"Hey, the farmer left the gate open! Let's run down there and fuck a few cows!" The old bull looks at him and replies, "No, son. Let's WALK down and fuck them ALL." Betty Braaksma York University ========== Date: Thu, 27 May 1993 15:02:24 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at Memphis State <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU> Subject: Clinton, Gore, & Parton (PG-13?) Q: Were Clinton, Gore, and Dolly Parton to meet, what would you call such a gathering? A: Two boobs and a country singer! ========== Date: Thu, 27 May 1993 20:48:29 -0400 From: Brill Daniel <DBRILL@UGA.BITNET> Subject: Re: Clinton, Gore, & Parton (PG-13?) What do you get when you cross Ronald Reagan and James Dean? Rebel without a clue! (P.S. - Don't curse us liberals for that one, William F. Buckley made it up!) ========== Date: Thu, 27 May 1993 23:46:16 EST From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET> Subject: Doctor jokes for Patti's mom These jokes were taken from Suds Lanigan's What's up, doc? (St. Martin's Paperbacks, 1991). I received it as a gift two years ago when I was in hospital. I recommended it. "Doctor! Doctor! Will I be able to read after I get these glasses. "Oh certainly," replied the doctor. "Great! I could never read before. ---- The elderly patient looked up at the doctor and asked, "Doctor, how long am I going to live?" "Don't worry," the doctor replied, "you should live to be eighty." "I am eight," he answered. "See? What'd I tell you?" ---- The archbishop was sitting in the waiting room when a red-faced and crying nun ran by him from the doctor's inner office. The angry bishop charged into the office and demanded to know what the doctor had said. I simply told her she was pregnant," answered the doctor. "It is certainly not true. Why would you possible tell her something like that?" "Well, it cured her hiccups!" ---- At a cocktail party, the lawyer was getting annoyed at the number of people who kept asking for free advice. He asked his doctor friend if he had the same problem. "All the time," agreed the doctor. "Well, don't you get tired of it? What do you do?" "It's very simple, and I think it will work for you," said the doctor. "When they ask for advice, just tell them to undress!" ---- The young woman looked up from her hospital bed at the handsome doctor and said breathlessly, "They tell me, doctor, that you're a real lady killer." The doctor smiled, "Oh, no, I can assure you--I make no distinction between the sexes." ---- After three days in a coma the man finally regained consciousness. He opened his eyes to find the doctor taking his pulse. "You were on death's doorstep, Mr. Winters. It's only your strong constitution that has pulled you through." "I just hope you remember that, Doctor, when you send me your bill." ---- The husband and wife were in the waiting room when the doctor came out to see them. "And what seems to be the problem with your husband, Mrs. Tailor?" asked the doctor. "His problem seems to be that he's constantly worried about money." "Ah, I think we can relieve him of that." ---- The infirmary doctor was examining the college student and asked him to breathe in and out while listened with a stethoscope. "I see you've had some problems with Angina Pectoris," observed the doctor. "You're right, doctor, but that wasn't her name." ---- A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician. "I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that." The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!" Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit." ---- The doctor was making his rounds and walked into the semi- private room in the hospital to examine old Mrs. Williams. After the exam in his best professional voice, he said smoothly, "You are coughing much more easily this morning." "I should," snapped the patient. "I've been practicing all night." ========== Date: Fri, 28 May 1993 09:09:41 -0400 From: Sharon Rondeau <SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET> Subject: More Hospital Jokes for Patti's Mom A man is in the hospital to have one of his legs amputated for gangrene. After the operation, the doctor says, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we amputated the wrong leg. The good news is the other leg is getting better." This one is from Netwit: The morning after an operation, a nurse comes in early and wakes up the patient. She tells him it's time for a sponge bath, and to just relax and lie still. She starts wiping him down, and eventually gets to his crotch. She was gorgeous, and it being morning anyway, he couldn't help but get hard. Without any warning, she took a pencil out of her pocket, grabbed him by the cock, and whacked the tip with the pencil. He'd never gone so soft that quick in his life. She then finished the sponge bath. He was so embarrassed, he said he "felt like digging a hole and hiding in it." But she didn't say a word. Do nurses learn this in school? Is it covered in some special chapter titled, "How to Cope With a Raging Hard-On"? ========== Date: Fri, 28 May 1993 14:11:28 BST From: Mr Hugh Armour <ha1@STIRLING.AC.UK> Subject: Hospital Joke For Patti's Mom The Queen is being given a tour of an army base and asks to be shown round the hospital complex. There are only three beds occupied and she is introduced to a Royal Marine Sergeant-Major, who is in charge of the squad that the three men belong to. She decides to speak to each soldier. She goes to the first bed and, after being introduced to the occupant, askes him what he is being treated for. The soldier replies, "Constipation, Ma'am." "Oh," says the Queen. "And what treatment are you recieving?" "Wire brush and disinfectant, Ma'am," pipes in the Sergeant-Major, with a sadistic grin. "Wire brush and disinfectant." She turns back to the soldier and asks, "What would you most like to do while you are in hospital?" The soldier picks up a large book sitting next to his bed and replies, "I would really like to be able to finish this book. I don't usually get a chance to read while on normal duty." The Queen chats to the soldier for a couple of minutes before moving on to the second bed, where she is introduced to the second soldier. Again, she askes the second bed's occupant what he is being treated for. The soldier looks a bit sheepish and replies, "Syphilis, Ma'am." "And what is the treatment for that?", she askes. "Wire brush and disinfectant Ma'am," pipes in the Sergeant-Major, with an even bigger grin. "Wire brush and disinfectant." She asks the soldier, "What would you most like to do while you are in here?" "I'd like to do all I can to get well as soon as possible and rejoin my Company. I miss my normal duties, Ma'am," he replies. They chat for a few minutes and then the Queen moves on to the last bed where she is introduced to the occupant and askes what he is being treated for. The soldier replies, "Tonsillitis, Ma'am." "And what is the treatment for that?", she askes. "Wire brush and disinfectant Ma'am," replies the Sergeant-Major. "Wire brush and disinfectant." She asks the last soldier, "And what would you most like to do while you are in here?" "I'd like to get the wire brush and disinfectant before those two dirty bastards." ========== Date: Fri, 28 May 1993 09:57:30 EST From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET> Subject: Dangerfield humor <how ugly can one guy be> "Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an axe!" "For two hours some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper." "I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!" "This morning when I put on my under wear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me." "A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him, 'How am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?' He told me, 'That is why we give you 21 days.'" "Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii. No days, just nights." ========== Date: Fri, 28 May 1993 00:31:37 -0500 From: DEATH ANGEL <RER7691@TNTECH.EDU> Subject: Appeal Hey listers... I'm a rabid Star Trek Fan, and I'm looking for some original or new Star Trek humor... Just to avoid the inevitable, (And to make this a legal list post), I'm going to include what I already have. So, if what you've got is already here, everybody on the list now has it. So it doesn't make since to flood the bandwidth with repeat lists, right? I'm also interested in any ST artwork I don't already have. WARNING * WARNING * WARNING * This is VERY Long. SO if you aren't a fan, delete it now. Here goes! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- ----------------------------------------------------------------------- He's dead, Jim -- You get his wallet, I'll get his tricorder! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Scotty: Well, what is it, laddie? Data: It is... it is... <sniff>... it is green, sir. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ TOP TEN BUMPERSTICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE ------------------------------------------------------- 10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!" 9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...hint hint!" 8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!" 7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!" 6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!" 5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical." 4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?" 3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?" 2. "We brake for cubes!" 1. "Wesley On Board!" Best Bumpersticker on a Borg Ship --------------------------------- "Blonde Borgs Have the Same Fun" The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard...enjoy ---------------------------------------------------------------- 10. ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!" 9. yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a shuttlecraft 8. screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge 7. spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead 6. lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms 5. sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there 4. asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a REAL Picard Maneuver" 3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?" 2. telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make it so" 1. putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up 20 Things That Never Happen in "Star Trek" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before. 2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly alright. 3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly. 4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform wearing a funny hat. 5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay. 6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive. 7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without a serious incident. 8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads. 9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff. 10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial. 11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties. 12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems. 13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction. 14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century. 15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode. 16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious. 17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher. 18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change. 19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him. 20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Und here are a few lists I got from the Humor List I subscribe to.... ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek -------------------------------------------------- 10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7. 9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a trible. 8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterpise. 7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information. 6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale. 5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk. 4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?" 3) You have no life. 2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list. 1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan. TOP 20 USES FOR DATA'S DETATCHED HEAD ------------------------------------- 20. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk 19. The ball in Parisis' Squares 18. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft 17. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet 16. Scare blind students in Braille class 15. Prop open doors for maintainence crews 14. Lawn decoration in Arboreteum 13. Footstool for Captain's chair 12. entertaining kids in day care puppet show 11. Scare Alexander into doing chores 10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift 9. Decorative air filter in picard's fish tank 8. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in research 7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards 6. Two words: tether ball 5. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking 4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet 3. Donate to Starfleet Academny to be head of the class 2. Use as nutcracker at Christmastime and the number one use for Data's detatched head... 1. Prove to insuracne company he died so crew can collect on his life insurance policy SUREFIRE SIGNS THAT STAR TREK IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE ------------------------------------------------------ 1. Saying "make it so" in casual conversation 2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and tritanium. 3. Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without excessive thought first 4. More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer 5. Have figured out the stardate system 6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra 7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol 8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams 9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The Omega Glory" 10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes 11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface 12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments 13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise from the Franklin Mint 14. Understanding Klingon 15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work 16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it 17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and dramatic stylistics 18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects sequences in ST:TMP 19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges 20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise -------------------------------------------------------- 9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft 8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data 7. Giving Worf a nuggie 6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!) 5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Foldger's crystals 4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self- destruct sequence 3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression 2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard Prince Albert In A Can 1. Tribble sex! And now for more Star Trek Text! I bet you weren't expecting THAT, were you? I got this little gem from Jim Davis... enjoy! "Number One" (To the tune of PianoMan by Billy Joel) It's Nine O' Clock on the Enterprise The Ten-Forward crowd shuffles in. There's a bald man sitting next to me, Tugging hard on his tunic and pin. He says, "Number One, can you play me a memory," "I'm not really sure how it goes." "But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete," "'Fore the Borg put things up my nose." Play us a song, you're the Number One, Play us a song, very sharp. We're all on the ship for an eternity, And you got us reeling at warp. Now Worf at the bar is a friend of mine, He gives me chills with his grin. He's quick with a choke and throws a few pokes, But in fights, he'll never win. He says, "Will, I believe this is killing me," As he smiles, showing teeth of his race. "Well, I'm sure I could be a movie star," "If I had another man's face." Play us a song, you're the Number One, Play us a song so sweet, We're all in the mood for some shore leave, And you've got us loving Starfleet. Now Bev is a medical practicionist, Who no longer is someone's wife. And she's talkin' with Geordi, who's sittin' with Barclay, And probably will be for life. And Guinan is practicing counseling, And Deanna becomes annoyed. Yes, they're sharing a job they call counseling, But it's better than being unemployed. (Instrumental) Play us a song, you're the Number One, Play us a song, so clean. We're all in the mood for a melody, And you've got us feeling serene. It's a pretty good crowd for a stardate, But Deanna motions towards the door. 'Cause she knows it's been me she's been wanting to see, Where no man has gone before. And my trombone sounds like a carnival, And the microphone sounds like a beer, And they sit at the bar and gaze out at the stars, And say, "Man, there's no life out here." ========== Date: Fri, 28 May 1993 11:38:34 -0600 From: Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU> Subject: PG-13 Priest Joke There was a new priest in the parish who was so nervous he could hardly speak. He asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said to put martini's in the water pitcher. The priest tried it at the next Sunday sermon and he talked up a storm. After, he asked the Monsignor how he did and the Monsignor replied: "Not bad, but here are a few suggestions." 1) Next time, sip the martini's rather than down them glassful by glassful. 2) There are 10 Commandments not 12. 3) There are 12 Diciples not 10. 4) David slew Goliath, he didn't "kick the shit outta him." 5) We don't refer to Jesus Christ and his diciples as "J.C. and his last boys." 6) Next Sunday, there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. 7) Don't refer to the cross as the "Big T." 8) The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook." 9) Please, its the Virgin Mary not "Mary with the cherry." 10) And last but not least, when you leave the altar, walk down the steps don't slide down the rail. ========== Date: Fri, 28 May 1993 13:47:47 CST From: Herb Rotfeld <ROTFELD@BUSINESS.AUBURN.EDU> Organization: College of Business @ Auburn Univ. Subject: true story A true story: At the beginning of every quarter, I tell students that written communication skills are important for any job and that their work in my class is graded accordingly. One term, after telling students that exams and term papers would lose points for repeated grammar errors, some students were clearly angry. They did not believe that a course located in the College of Business, psychologically removed from the English department in Liberal Arts, should require proper use of language. "Do any other faculty require us to write clearly?" one young man asked. I was puzzled that a student believed that, as a future college graduate, he should be allowed to write poorly, regardless of the course, but I had to admit I was uncertain as to what my colleagues required. "Dr. Hudson and I have talked about the poor writing we see on students' term papers and essay exams," I explained, "but I am uncertain as to whether he castigates the students who misuse words." A few days later I learned the limitations of my students' command of the language. Not knowing the meaning of "castigates," they "heard" something whose meaning they did know. Some of my students that quarter were also in Dr. Hudson's class, and, going to his class after mine, they asked Dr. Hudson if I was telling the truth when I said he castrates his male students. ========== Date: Fri, 28 May 1993 15:32:05 EDT From: "John B. Harlow" <76520.3144@COMPUSERVE.COM> Subject: Pope joke The pope is in New York and running late on the way to a meeting of the College of Cardinals. Frustrated with how conservatively his limo driver is driving he asks the driver to pull over so that he can get out of the back of the limo and switch places with the driver. The pope is deftly weaving through traffic and making good time when he is pulled over by a state trooper. The state trooper approaches the car and asks for license and registration as the pope rolls down the window. The trooper returns to his vehicle and calls the watch sergeant on his radio and expresses his concern about stopping a VIP. The segeant asks if it is the mayor. He says no, bigger. The sergeant asks if it is the governor. He says no, bigger. The sergeant says "well who the hell is it then". The trooper replies "I don't know, but the pope is driving his limo". ========== Date: Fri, 28 May 1993 16:13:02 CDT From: "Scott P. Muir" <SMUIR@UA1VM.BITNET> Organization: THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA Subject: Accident report Rated G ACCIDENT INVESTIGATION REPORT Dear Sir or Madam: I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 7 of the accident reporting form, I put quote - poor planning - unquote as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I was a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower than in a barrel by using a pulley which fortunately was attached to the side of the building, at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the brick into it. The I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of brick. You will note in block eleven of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number eleven. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks - in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me - I again lost my presence of mind - and I let go of the rope. ========== Date: Fri, 28 May 1993 19:04:56 CST From: Fernando Davila Nieto <txmfdn@TXM.ERICSSON.SE> Subject: joke (Not offensive one) It's an old one but worth remembering. A travelling salesman has taken his young wife with him when he was sent to Bolivia. One day in the middle of nowhere, a highwayman stops them. He carries 3 guns, sports a huge beard and his paunch hangs down to his thighs. He thunders at the husband. "I'm going to rape your wife. And you, you little nincompoop, you won't make a move or I'll blast you. He draws a circle on the ground, he picks up the little salesman by the scruff of the neck and deposits he in the middle of the circle. "If you step an inch out of that, I'll kill you !!" A moment later he upends the wife and makes love to her-once, twice, three times. After which he departs hapily satisfied. The moment he disappears, the little man starts roaring with laughter, slapping his knees, bent over. The women who is starting to recover from the triple onslaught and buttons up her clothes, gives him a look of deepest indignation. "Coward, Wretch ! And you dare to laugh at me !" "Darling I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at that fat idiot. He never noticed, he never knew ! While he was occupied with you, I jumped three times from the circle and he didn't even see me !" =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Fernando Davila Saltillo, Mexico -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= ========== Date: Fri, 28 May 1993 23:22:38 EDT From: "John B. Harlow" <76520.3144@COMPUSERVE.COM> Subject: Royal Story Back in the days when everyone was getting along The Queen and Lady Di were sharing a Limo from Balmoral to Buckingham Palace when they were stopped by a highwayman. The highwayman demanded Di's engagement ring, which she stated she had left on the bedside table at Balmoral. He then demanded the Queen's diamond tiara, which she stated was kept in a vault. Frustrated the highwayman drives away with the limo leaving the Queen and Di standing on the side of the road. The Queen turns to Di and says that she thought she had seen Di wearing the ring just prior to being stopped. Pointing to her groin area, Di replies that when she saw that they were being stopped she tucked the ring up here. Pointing to her groin area, the Queen states that she had likewise tucked her tiara up here. To which Di replies, "Too bad Princess Margaret was'nt along for the ride as we could have hidden the limosine, as well" ========== Date: Fri, 28 May 1993 23:56:32 EDT From: Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET> Subject: Mom to Son <Redneck humor> 120 lines In the spirit of archiving some of America's classic humor, I do hereby contribute to HUMOR@UGA an Alabamian mom's letter to her Alabamian son. I first saw a version of this letter in 1965. It has been around. My copy of the letter looks like it is at least a fifth generation photocopy and it has June 2, 1992 fax header. So this letter is representative of the photocopy tradition (an extension of the oral tradition) of humor. LETTER FROM ALABAMIAN MOM TO ALABAMIAN SON Dear Bubba: I'm writing slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where the most accidents happened within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address 'cause the folks that lived here before done took the numbers with them for their next house. I think they was Auburn people. They said they didn't want to have to change their address. I wish we had thought of that. This place has a washing machine inside the house. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain, and we haven't seen 'em since. You paw has been digging a lime pit so we can have a new outhouse. I've always heard that those Auburn folks don't fart, but for Lord's sake I can't figure out were they did their private business. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four the second time. I don't think this weather is good for our grit plants. There was the California fella visitin' at church yesterday and he sold us some kudzu seeds. He said these were the most popular oriental plants in China. There are a lot people there, so I guess they know what popular is. The local funeral home was having a half-price special last month. Your grandma Willie heard that and said she couldn't miss that opportunity. You know she lost of will of live and she died right away. We got the bill from the funeral home this morning. They said if we didn't make the last payment within a month for grandma's funeral, up she comes. About your father--he has a lovely new job. He has over 500 people under him--he's cutting grass at the Confederate cemetery. Your sister--she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know yet if you're an aunt or an uncle. Your Uncle Slim fell in a whiskey vat up in Tennessee. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off. He drown, and his folks had to pay an extra $25 to have the undertaker take the grin off his face. It didn't work so they cremated him. He burned for three days. Well I know all this bad new sound bad, but things could be worse. Three local boys was riding out by a big fishing lake nearby. Their truck when into the lake and they all drown. The boy that was driving got stuck in the window and the other boys couldn't get the tailgate down. The boy that was driving, his ole coon dog swam to safety. It was a miracle. We should thank God for his many blessing. About the coat you wanted me to send you. Your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut the buttons off and put them in the pockets. Don't you worry about us knowing wants happening. Your little brother has started selling Grit newspapers. He lets us read one, and then he sells it, too. Don't tell anyone. I wish we got the National Enquirer like you can. You cousin Roger finally married that Walker girl. We was all pleased as punch they didn't have to get--if you know what I mean. Nine weeks later, they had a little girl. Named the sweet thing Thelma Louise. I'm thinking about getting me a job. Well now, you needed be surprised. Times are a changin. Some folks from Arkansas are opening a chicken processing factory down the road. Your paw is again it. He says I have too many chores to do around here to go being a working woman. I don't think he'd miss me if he would just sleep through dinner. The bookmobile came by yesterday. Most of the books seemed to be for people who had a third grade education. Your paw was the one who had the idea--I agreed. We gave them your coloring book. The fine lady who was driving the bookmobile, said that you sure could color good for a boy. I told her that you played football for the Alabama Crimson Tide. She said she wasn't surprised. We sure are proud of you. Your big sister told me not to tell you about her new truck. I don't think her boyfriend wants you to drive it. She means well. Not much more news this time, nothing much has happened. Love, *Mom* PS--I was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed. ========== Date: Sat, 29 May 1993 09:12:22 -0400 From: Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU> Subject: Hospital joke A doctor is standing in the hall of a hospital talking with a colleague when suddenly one of his patients runs down the hall in his hospital gown screaming at the top of his lungs. Right behind the patient is a nurse carrying a pan of steaming, boiling-hot water, obviously chasing the patient. The doctor interrupts his conversation with his colleague and shouts to the chasing nurse: "Miss Jones, I said 'Prick his boil!'" ========== Date: Sun, 30 May 1993 22:07:12 EDT From: Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET> Subject: Smart aleck kids humor When a librarian goes fishing for catfish, what does he use for bait? Answer: Bookworms. Tommy Tucker took two strings and tied two turtles to two tall trees. How many T's are there in that? Answer: To be perfectly frank, there are only two T's in "that." How many legs does a horse have? Answer: Six. He has fore (four) legs in front and two behind. How do you pronounce the capital of Kentucky--Louisville or Loowiville? Answer: The capital is Frankfort. How do you pronounce j-o-k-e? C-o-k-e? P-o-k-e? What is the white of an egg called? Answer: Yolk? No, the white of an egg is the albumen. How do you pronounce this word, s-o [pause] m-e-t [pause] m-e-s? Answer: Sometimes. ========== Date: Mon, 31 May 1993 07:34:18 EDT From: Bert Headrick <ACAD1159@SLCSL.STLAWRENCEC.ON.CA> Subject: More Hospital/Medical Humour A rather "chesty" young teen was having a physical when the doctor put the stethoscopy on her chest and said, "Big breath." She replied, "Yeth, I know, and I'm only 13!" Regards, Bert Headrick, Health Science, Brockville ========== Date: Mon, 31 May 1993 11:19:58 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at Memphis State <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU> Subject: Clinton joke Q: Why was Clinton asked to deliver the commencement address at west Point? A: Jane Fonda was unavailable. ========== Date: Mon, 31 May 1993 18:36:01 -0400 From: Steve J Bannister <bannister_s@A1.HANV02.SANDOZ.COM> Subject: Re: International Relations Sorry Tom, but there aren't any good jobs in international relations. They really seem to be thankless and as effective as steering a supertanker through rubber bands. Perhaps you could interest the diplomats in clandestine adulterous relations. Some will say that the wages of both are death, but one is far more likely to be immediately pleasurable. Also: you get to choose your partner; the seating arrangement at the table is irrelevant; and whether or not you share a common spoken language, you know when you've accomplished something. Steve Bannister ========== Date: Mon, 31 May 1993 14:27:44 EDT From: Betty Braaksma <BRAAKSMA@VM2.YORKU.CA> Subject: politically correct vocabulary From today's Toronto Globe and Mail, a cartoon I thought you might enjoy. It depicts unfortunate souls in the midst of flames. Overlooking them on a cliff are two devils, complete with pitchforks. One is reading to another from a paper entitled "Policy Update". Here's what it says: "...clients are no longer to be called 'the damned' but shall henceforth be referred to as the 'salvationally challenged'" Any other silly PCisms? Betty Braaksma York University ========== Date: Mon, 31 May 1993 14:53:00 EST From: "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858" <KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU> Subject: Re: politically correct vocabulary Best one I saw was, for criminals, "consumers of judicial services." S ========== Date: Mon, 31 May 1993 20:20:21 EST From: Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET> Subject: Pet peeves Mike Royko (Chicago Tribune) published these pet peeves provided by his readers: I would like to voice my compalint about dog and cat lovers kissing their pets on the mouth. Aren't they aware of how these pets clean themselves? Yuk. My husband when he put a TV show on and then falls asleep 15 minutes later. Indiana drivers. Foot on the broake. Brain in park. (I think Mike might have submitted this one). PBS pledge marathons (only two a year--each six months long). Screw the poor and downtrodden. Don't you newspaper people ever give thought to the problems of the rich? My estranged wife and her lawyers are destroying me. We should abduct Saddam Hussein, dress him in drag, then parachute him into Serbia. Really rich people who ask for 50 cents in change instead of giving a cabdriver a full dollar tip. Thanks buddy, now I can have that surgery! The media's endless discussion before a presidential speech. I want to make up my own mind what I think about the speech! You meet somebody on the street you say, "How you doing" And they give you their medical report for the last six months. Women who show off their hickeys (disgusting) like Congressional Medals of Honor. We had one in the office who finally covered them the second day with a batch of Band-Aids! ** Do you have a humorous pet peeve? Here is mine ** Blabberfingers who constantly post private and trivial comments, and who ask inane questions. ========== Date: Mon, 31 May 1993 20:55:28 EST From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET> Subject: Dangerfield humor <adult themes> "I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof" "My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair." "I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing." "I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning" "Once when I was lost. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He said, 'I don't know kid, there are so many places they can hide.'" "My girlfriend was no bargain either. She used to braid her armpits." "I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo." "I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code." "I had a girlfriend that was so fat she wore a CROSS YOUR THIGHS bra." "I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back saying, 'Caution wide load.'" ========== Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 08:28:39 CST From: "Cindy K. Bannister" <csvcks@ADMIN.AC.EDU> Subject: RUMCAKE RECIPE (RATED G) THIS WAS SENT IN BY MY COWORKER, JENNA THOMAS: ----- Forwarded message begins here ----- So many people have expressed an interest in seeing the Rumcake Recipe *hic* that I errrr aahhhh Decided! <*thats* the wrod> to put it on paper.... Many thanks to the people who sent me copies. It was a veryrrryyyrry good *hic* recccccpie ahhhhh ya know what I mean *hic* <wicked grin> Now where did I put that pen?.... I know its shumwhare. ----------------------------------------------------------------- *Best ever Rum cake* 1 teaspoon sugar 2 bottles rum 1 cup dried mixed fruit 2 cups brown sugar 1 teaspoon soda 1 cup butter 2 large eggs 1/2 cup baking powder 1 ounce lemon juice 1/2 pound mixed nuts Before starting, sample the rum to check quality. It should be smooth and not at all harsh to the palate. Then proceed. Select large mixing bowl. Check rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of proper quality, pour level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure rum is still OK right. Try another cup. Open second bottle, if necessary. Add eggs, 2 cubs fried druit and beat tll high. If druit gets stuck in beeters, pry loose with drewscriber. Sample rum again. Next sift 3 cups pepper or salt, really doesn't matter. Sample rum. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add a bablespoon of brown thugar or whatever color you can find. Wix mel. Greese oven. Turn cake pan to 350 degrees. Pour mess into boven and ake. Check rum and go to bed. ========== Date: Sat, 29 May 1993 10:05:33 -0400 From: Mike Thompson <mthompso@NALUSDA.GOV> Subject: Another Fish Story "Last night, I ate so much at the sushi bar, I was stuffed to the gills." ---------------- Old fisherman never die, they just smell that way. ---------------- I know, I know! These are zeros on a *scale* of one to ten. So, enough of this nonsense. As the French say, "Fin". ---------------- Bye for now! met ========== Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 14:30:52 MET-1 From: Attila Farago <FARAGO@TTK.JPTE.HU> Subject: dirty joke!! Q: How to make a nun to be pregnant? A: Fuck her!! ========== Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 09:52:04 EDT From: Marty <MEARLE@UGA.BITNET> Subject: cute t-shirt Here's one I saw on a t-shirt recently: (Picture a frazzled-looking woman, staring dejectedly at a scrumptious piece of cake) "Stressed??! Honey, I KNOW stressed. It's "desserts" spelled backwards." Marty ========== Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 10:01:40 EST From: Dani Mudge <DANI@USCN.BITNET> Subject: rated G jokes G. When will water stop running downhill?? A. When it reaches the bottom. Q. What animal keeps the best time ?? A. A watchdog. ------------------------------------------------------------------ 12 HUMOR013 ======== Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 09:09:00 PDT From: "Briggs, Vickie" <VBriggs@UNEX.UCLA.EDU> Subject: Some T-Shirts A man is like a blizzard, you never know how long it is going to last or how many inches you are going to get. Life is like a shit sandwich, the more bread you have, the less shit you gotta eat. So many men... so little time Please don't remove this t-shirt, it is holding up my boobs I'm with stupid Stupid My friend went to Las Vegas and all they brought me back was this lousy t-shirt Property of Alcatraz...unlisted number This space for rent. ======== Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 13:31:00 -0300 From: Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU> Subject: Top 10 Reasons Ted Kennedy Keeps Getting Re-elected (fwd) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- TOP TEN REASONS TED KENNEDY KEEPS GETTING REELECTED 10. It gets him out of the state 9. Yearly Al-anon voter registration drive 8. Nothing rhymes with "Chapaquidic" for witty opposition posters. 7. His struggle for truth, justice, and the american way. 6. Fame gained in first runner-up finish in Star-Search spokes model comp. 5. It's it, and that's that. 4. Voters told "Ted" is short for Jack. 3. Who else can bring in the fabulous babes? 2. Adds comic relief to the ethics committee. 1. He's squeezably soft. ======== Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 13:22:23 -0600 From: Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU> Subject: JOKE-R For Language A guy walks into a grocery store and asks the clerk, "Can I have a packet of broccoli please?" "I'm sorry sir, we're fresh out of broccoli," replies the clerk. The customer leaves and comes back 20 minutes later and asks the same thing. The clerk is polite and simply repeats what he said earlier. The customer again leaves and comes back 20 minutes later still asking for broccoli. The grocery clerk is getting pretty pissed and says "Look, I've already told you twice. We have no broccoli left!" The guy leaves but in 10 minutes he's back. The grocer says "OK, spell cat as in Catastrope." The guy spells "C-A-T" The grocer says "Spell dog as in dogmatic." The guy does. The grocer says "Spell fuck as in broccoli." The customer just looks at him and says "There's no fuck in broccoli." The grocer smiles and says "That's exactly what I've been telling you for the past hour." ======== Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 16:01:48 -0300 From: Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU> Subject: Another workplace motto (fwd) THE END OF THE DAY All deadlines met; All bosses pleased; All important decisions made; Temperature set at 0 deg C in hell. ======== Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 15:49:33 -0500 From: Scott Guthery <guthery@AUSTIN.SLCS.SLB.COM> Subject: Political Correctness I'm not politically incorrect ... please ... I'm euphemistically challenged. ======== Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 16:53:50 EST From: Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET> Subject: Love, marriage, family (clean) Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. One thing you can say for most of those TV families: They're stupid enough to sit around watching TV all night. (And the characters that do watch TV are the stupid characters). What's a rich wife's favorite thing to make for dinner? Reservations. Never fall in love with a tennis player. To him "love" means "nothing." Everybody has to get married sometime--you can't go through life just being happy. A guy is never happy until a girl comes along and makes him miserable. ======== Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 16:18:21 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at Memphis State <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU> Subject: Political Correctness I'm vertically, calorically, and aesthetically challenged. Put differently, I'm short, fat, and ugly and my name isn't even Dangerfield! ======== Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 15:57:11 PDT Comments: Warning -- original Sender: tag was Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM From: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 1.E A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago, big ****************************************************************** ************* Quotes from Will Rogers: Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two things we have. Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even. Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't know much. There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too, the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is live as cheap as the people. Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes. If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em. The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. On account of us being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does. Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth. People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible. Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches. I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors to the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart. I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em. What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong with every one of us - and that's "selfishness." Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition? We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in of we didn't have to pay the fiddler. ----- >From an article in Reader's Digest (date unknown) RD acknowledgment: condensed from "The Best of Will Rogers", compiled by Bryan B. Sterling ****************************************************************** ************* "Manners everywhere require understanding something about the host nation's customs. When in doubt, the safest rule is to follow your host's lead. But sometimes following the host's lead can get you in trouble. "President Grover Cleveland, presiding over a formal dinner party, once added sugar and cream to his coffee, stirred it, and then poured it into his saucer. Anxious to please, his guests followed suit but were at a loss when the president leaned down and put the saucer on the floor for his dog. Sometimes, however, an extremely gracious host or hostess will go out of the way to make sure a guest is not embarrassed by a breach of etiquette. Queen Victoria once downed the contents of her finger bowl because she didn't want to embarrass the Shah of Persia, who had done so first." ---Harvard Business Review, ppg. 47-48, in a review of two recent books on the subject of manners in business. ****************************************************************** ************* R U S H J O B S C A L E N D A R ---------------------------------------------------------------------- | M I R | F R I | F R I | F R I | T H U | W E D | T U E | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- | 8 | 7 | 6 | 5 | 4 | 3 | 2 | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- | 15 | 14 | 13 | 12 | 11 | 10 | 9 | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- | 22 | 21 | 20 | 19 | 18 | 17 | 16 | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- | 29 | 28 | 27 | 26 | 25 | 24 | 23 | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- | 36 | 35 | 34 | 33 | 32 | 31 | 30 | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Notes: 1. This is a special calendar which has been developed for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are wanted yesterday, consequently all dates run backwards - with this calendar, a client can order their work on the 7th and have it delivered on the 3rd. 2. Everyone wants his job done by Friday, so there are three Fridays in every week. 3. There are five new days at the end of the month for those "end-of-the-month" rush jobs. 4. There is no 1st of the month - so there can not be late delivery of "end-of-the-month" rush jobs. 5. No one likes Mondays, so these have been eliminated. 6. There are no Saturdays or Sundays, so overtime rates can be kept to a minimum. 7. There is a special day each week, Mirday, for the performance of miracles. ****************************************************************** ************* < The electronic funds transfer is in the electronic mail. . . . > All supervision: It has been observed that many project personnel have been dying on company premisis for no apparent reason. Furthermore, some personnel are refusing to fall over after they are dead. This, in some cases, has resulted in unauthorized overtime charges. Effective *immediately*, this practice must be discontinued. As of September 12, 1986, each supervisor must check with each member of his or her group daily. If the person is found sitting up after he or she has died, he or she will be dropped from the payroll at once, without further investigation, as per Regulation 110, Section D of the GEIs (Non-Productive Labor). When it can be proved that the employee is being held up by a desk, telephone, terminal, personal computer, or any other visible means of support, which is the property of the company, a ninety day grace period will be granted. In this case, the following procedures will be strictly adhered to. If, after several hours, it is noted that the employee has not moved or opened at least one eye, a Department Head or Division Manager will investigate. Because of the highly sensitive nature of some employees and the close resemblance between death and their normal working attitude, the investigation will be made quietly, to avoid waking the employee if he or she is asleep (which is permitted under existing work loads.) If some doubt exists as to the true condition of the employee, the appropriate Director will be notified and a paycheck presented as the final test. If the employee fails to reach for the check, it is reasonable to assume that death has occurred. Note: in some cases the instinct is so strongly developed that a spasmodic clutching reflex may occur. Do *not* be misled by this manifestation! In the event that an employee fails to abandon whatever they appear to be doing at coffee time, no investigation is necessary, as this is conclusive proof that rigor mortis has already set in. ****************************************************************** ************* Subject: Managers vs. Leaders "A manager does the thing right. A leader does the right thing." -- Anonymous (the great Greek philosopher) ****************************************************************** ************* A British customs agent tells the story of an arriving traveler came up to his counter one day and the agent asked him, "How long do you plan to stay in the United Kingdom?" "Three days", he replied. "And what will be doing here?", the agent continued. The man said, "I want to overthrow the government." The customs agent said, "Oh, you'll need at least a week for that!", gave him a one week visa and let him in. ****************************************************************** ************* Found in Rank Xerox's 1985 book 'Networking in Organisations'...... "One day, three businessmen found themselves deep in the jungle, the only survivors of a plane crash. The cannibals surrounding them granted them each one last request before turning them into 'steak au poivre'. The first businessman, a Frenchman, and hence a keen student of flora and fauna, desired to look upon the most beautiful woman in the tribe. His request was granted. The second, a Japanese, and an earnest individual, declared his wish to give one last address on the subject of Japanese business methods, whereupon the third, an American, pleaded in an agonised voice for the tribe to eat him first. He could not stand yet another lecture on Japan!" ****************************************************************** ************* After Mohammid Ali was done with his boxing career he went into business. For awhile he was setting up business deals where because of who he was he could get people together. Eventually he joined a company which was being investigated by the Federal government in the area of their purchases. Mohammid took over the purchasing department and started cleaning things up. The investigation stopped for now the company had good Ali buys. ****************************************************************** ************* From today's Wall Street Journal-- "Liggett & Meyers Tobacco Co. warned its employees in a newsletter that they're working with a potentially hazardous substance--sugar. Large quantities have been known to explode, the company says." ****************************************************************** ************* In case you're considering a personalized license plate, the Auto Club keeps a list of all personalized plates in California (the list we looked at was dated June 86). At the office where we went, you could reserve and apply for the plate of your choice on the spot. Trivia: there are roughly 1.4 million plates in the list. that's why you see plates like "NANCY29" on the road. over 2,000 of them start with "ski." there were at least 25 variations on my friend's idea, "quicksilver," not counting all the ones with digits tacked on. "0" and "O" are now identical characters. you're allowed 1 half-space in addition to your 7 chars. Two different plates must differ in more than just the half-space, of course. ****************************************************************** ************* "If you steal ideas from one source, that's plagerism, but if you steal ideas from more than one source, that's research." -- Laurendo Almeida, Brazilian guitarist, talking at a recent concert before playing a medley of pieces by various composers. ---------------------------------------------------------------- ======== Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 17:46:15 -0500 From: Brad Pardee <bradp@UNLLIB.UNL.EDU> Subject: postage humor (G) If what the post office normally delivers is "mail", then does that mean that when letters come postage due, they are "fee mail"? ======== Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 16:35:24 EDT From: Gess Shankar <gess@KNEX.VIA.MIND.ORG> Organization: |<><>| Knowledge Exchange, GA, USA |<><>| Thomas Hegarty <emory!CFRVM.CFR.USF.EDU!THEGARTY> writes: > Does any one have a good job that could be used to break the ice at an > international relations meeting? > Tom Hegarty, Tampa How about the job of a terrorist ? Not only can they break things, they can kill people too. :-) Sorry, could not resist. :( GeSS -- Gess Shankar |<><>|Internet: gess@knex.via.mind.ORG |<><>| Knowledge Exchange|<><>|{rutgers,ogicse,gatech}!emory!uumind!knex!gess |<><>| ======== Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 16:11:21 GMT From: ken weir <weir@BITBOA.MEDNET.AF.MIL> Subject: STAR DREK (Star Trek Parody - PG-13/R)(Lengthy) The following parody is (c)Jay Badenhoop, 1993, except for the quote from Tim Lynch, and can be reproduced (without said quote) with permission from the author. At a story conference/three-martini lunch far, far away... (Berman: Hey, Mikey, let's create a new Star Trek series!) (Piller: Good idea. What shall we call it?) (Berman: I dunno. How about...) STAR DREK: DEEPSTAR SIX (Piller: Already been done. What about...) STAR DREK: BABYLON FIVE (Berman: If we use that one, Straczinski will sue.) STAR DREK: DEEP THROAT NINE (Piller: Too naughty for primetime, though not too naughty for me, I can tell you.) STAR DREK: DEEP THOUGHT NINE (Berman: The adventures of the universe's smartest computer... nah, too nerdy) STAR DREK: DEEP FRY NINE (Filler: A Ferengi named Quark opens a fast food joint on a space station... nah, already been done as a sitcom with Vic Tayback as Daimon Mel) STAR DREK: DEEP FACE NINE (Berman: A Cruddassian space station is taken over by Avon cosmetics. nah, wasn't that done on "Blake's 7"?) STAR DREK: ENEMY SPACE MINE (Piller: Well, the makeup we use looks like what Louis Gossett wore...) STAR DREK: CRAWLSPACE NINE (Berman: O'Brien's adventures trying to repair the @%&*#! replicators to give the captain a cup of coffee... hmmm, maybe we can make an episode out of it) (Filler: I know! Let's name it according to how we treat things we don't like in the scripts...) (Great idea, Mr. Piller.) (Agreed, Mr. Berman.) (Good night, Mr. Piller.) (Good night, Mr. Berman.) (Good night, John-boy.) (Who said that?) Presenting the new series... STAR DREK: BACKSPACE NINE by Jay Badenhoop "Space...the final frontier. Only way out on the edge of it. [These are the voyages of the Space Station Backspace 9, which,] when operating within safety parameters, shouldn't go too fast. It's continuing mission: To be able to make a decent cup of coffee without a systems failure; to wait for New Life(TM) and New Civilizations(TM) to come by and try to stake claim to the quadrant; to boldly stay... right here." -- Tim Lynch FAX Chief O'Clock has taken his wife Kinko to visit her mother, Xerox, on Earth, so everyone on the station is afraid to breathe for fear of something breaking down. Science specialist Justanother Fax is babbling jargon about some repairs that have to be done. Dr. Julien Fries Basher tries to hit on her several times, asking what her sign is, telling her what lovely Tenctonese spots she has, etc. until he realizes that she is continuing to ignore him and talk, but her lips aren't moving. He wonders for several minutes how this can be until the batteries in the recorder planted inside her begin to run down. She says she has to go back to her quarters now. Basher places her on a small wheeled cart and pushes it along, still trying to ask her out. On the way back, several men in overalls labelled "Grace Brothers Department Store" attack them. Basher puffs up his chest and says, "I'll save you. This is a job for BASHERMAN..." allowing plenty of time for one of the men to sneak up behind him and promptly knock him out, while Fax is grabbed and carried off. Commander Benjamin Crisco is in Oops when Basher feebly reports what happened. He and Dodo, the shape-shifting security officer, try to cut off the kidnappers by closing the security doors using a complex series of computer codes, but the Grace Brothers men have read "The Criminal's Complete Guide to Backspace Nine Security" ($199.99 at Creation Cons everywhere) and have disabled all the locks with a skeleton key. Crisco pulls in their Harley-Davidson Walkabout with a tractor beam. The leader turns out to be Layon Tundra of Claystorm 4. (This is obvious from the amount of clay stuck on the sides of his head.) He charges Fax with the murder of his father, General Grassi Tundra. Fax is a Thrill, a species that is half human, half Blob. The Blob lives inside the human roast's body, and when things get too hot to handle, Mr. Blob moves to another roast. Captain Crisco is very upset, since even though Justanother Fax is a 28-year-old woman, he knew Fax the Blob when he was just a small answering machine implanted in a roast named Cursalot Fax. Cursalot and Crisco used to go out drinking and picking up women together. Cursalot used to page him at bars as "Ben Dover Crisco" and tick off the bartenders. Cursalot could be a bit rude -- "Nudge, nudge, say no more!" -- but he was never a murderer. Crisco tries to get Fax to tell him what happened, but Fax just sits there. Layon Tundra is anxious to expedite Fax, but Crisco is anxious to stop him and save his officer. Of course, Bojangle Major Klira Sill is anxious to stop him because of her constant state of PMS. Dodo blackmails Qork the Ferarri into allowing a Bojangle expedition hearing to be held in his Bar and Grill by reminding him about the Bojangle women's fondness for cement galoshes. The hearing is held, presided over by a very grouchy woman, The Grand Arbitrary. Justanother Fax is wheeled in on her cart. The Arbitrary looks sternly at both Tundra and Crisco. "I want you to state your case as quickly as possible so I can have my tea. Now, this is to determine whether Justanother Fax should be expedited for trial for murder or reassembled into a blender. I know you both are pompous blowhard gits, and I won't take any guff from either of you. And if anyone says `Just the Fax, ma'am.', I'll have your remarks cut off and distributed to the poor." "Are you sure she's unbiased?" asks Crisco. "Oh, yes," replies Major Klira, "she's equally unfair to both sides." Tundra says that even though Fax is now in a different roast than when the murder was committed, a Thrill is really a Blob inside pulling little levers and turning knobs to make the roast move, and thus Fax was in control when the murder was committed. Crisco cites that scripts from "The Next Degeneration" cannot be called into evidence since this is a different TV show, and the producers have decided it's more convenient for the script that it takes both a willing roast and a Blob to give a Thrill. Meanwhile, Dodo has gone to talk to General Tundra's widow, Aneater Tundra. She says Grassi and Cursalot Fax were friends. But Dodo finds that a message was sent to General Tundra's men including a garbled bit about him being a traitor, after which they all set upon him like dogs. The only one who could have sent the message was Cursalot Fax, because only he had access to a modem. Layon Tundra brings as a witness Minister of Thrills Salami Pierce. He says he can remember every experience he ever had as a Thrill, then drifts off with a smile on his face. After being brought back to reality, Crisco asks him if each new roast brings with it a new flavor, and thus a new personality. Each Thrill is a different person, oo-err! The Arbitrary suggests taking the roast out of the oven, thus separating the symbuick from the roast. Dr. Basher points out that this would kill the Thrill. Though the symbuick and the roast have separate brains, they are biologically connected, like a jogger to his Walkman. Dodo calls Crisco with findings that Aneater Tundra and Fax called each other frequently while the General was away. Crisco tries to convince Fax to testify and defend herself. She replies, "I'm sorry, but I am not available at the moment, so please leave a message at the beep. BEEP!" Crisco gets so angry that she is ignoring him that he hits the wall and breaks several glass objects, setting off an alarm in Counselor Dinner Tray's office back on the Enterprise normally activated only when a Klingon breaks a glass table. Crisco examines Justanother Fax carefully and finally realizes that she is really a store mannequin with a tape recorder up her nose. Back at the hearing, Fax is just about to be judged quilty when Aneater Tundra comes in and announces that in fact, the message was sent by her. It wasn't that Fax was a TRAITOR, the message was to tell her husband that she and Fax had expanded their secret office equipment supply corporation to include a line of kitchen appliances. She was trying to tell her husband that they had made twelve billion credits selling a new electric cheese GRATER. If this ludicrous mistake had been revealed at that crucial time, the General's reputation would have been ruined forever, so she kept quiet and let the people think he was a hero. Aneater suggests to Fax that if she/he/it ever wanted to "run the blender" again, to look her up. Crisco wonders if, now that Fax has a new roast, if the Thrill will ever be the same again... ======== Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 09:32:02 EDT From: Betty Braaksma <BRAAKSMA@VM2.YORKU.CA> Subject: Tony Bennett, where are you? Twin brothers, Stanley and Steven Frank, were killed simultaneously in a tragic auto accident. The next thing they know they're standing in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Pete runs their names through his database and Steven comes up clean and is allowed to pass through the gates. Stanley's name, on the other hand, is flagged and St. Pete doesn't allow him into heaven. The brothers are very upset about this, having been close buddies and inseperable all their lives. After much wailing and knashing of teeth, St. Pete agrees to a review of Stanley's case, but in the meantime the brothers must go to their assigned places. A couple weeks later, Steven asks for, and receives, permission to visit his brother. As a rookie angel, he's only allowed a 24-hour pass and is told that if he misses the deadline, he's blown it and has to stay in Hell. He also has to sign for all of his angelic supplies (wings, halo, etc) before he leaves. After all the red tape is handled, Steven flies off to see his brother. When he gets to Hell, he is astonished to see that Stanley is having a wonderful time. In fact, he's opened a disco, which is the hottest dance joint in the place. Steven has a great time, drinking, dancing, partying and just about misses his deadline. He scrambles hastily out of Stan's, and flies back through the pearly gates with barely a minute to spare. He heads back to the office to hand in his pass and complete his equipment checklist. The secretary is grumpy, but things are going Ok until she comes to Steven's harp. Frantically Steven looks around, but he can't find it anywhere. Suddenly it hits him. "Oh no!" he cries, "I left my harp in Stan Frank's Disco!" Betty Braaksma York University (I should give credit where credit is due: this and my other postings are courtesy of Prof. H.L. Robinson. He's got a million of 'em, folks!) ======== Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 12:49:04 EST From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET> Subject: Dangerfield humor <he's so ugly> "I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor, so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, 'On your mark.'" "On Halloween the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different, when I answer the door the kids hand me candy." "When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me." "I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face." ======== Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 18:56:34 BST From: Joe Clark <smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK> Subject: Questions If basket ball was never invented, where would they hold all the high school dances? ======== Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 08:23:00 PDT From: TORRANCE Pat <ptorrance@SHL.COM> Subject: Mail Humor (G) Is the term "mailman" redundant? ptorrance@shl.com ======== Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 14:06:39 EST From: Herman Archie <HERMAN@USCN.BITNET> Subject: JOKES Why is an author more than a king? He may choose his own subjects. What is the favorite word with a woman? The last one. ======== Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 14:25:37 EDT From: Marty <MEARLE@UGA.BITNET> Subject: politics & horses... A horse walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and orders a martini. The bartender mixes the drink and hands it to the horse. The horse hands the bartender a 20 dollar bill, and the bartender gives the horse 5 dollars in change. The horse stands there, sipping the drink, while the bartender wipes the counter. After a few minutes, the bartender says, "We don't get many horses in here." The horse replies, "At 15 dollars a martini, I'm not surprised." ======== Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 16:27:44 -0300 From: Amy Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU> Subject: Nude bible program pulled of the air (fwd) OLYMPIA, Wash. (UPI) -- A television program featuring nude bible readings was yanked off the air by Thurston County's public access television channel this week, but not because of the program's controversial content. Olympia police asked for a temporary suspension after the program's producer received a death threat. Self-styled preacher Jake Drake disagreed with the cancellation of his bible readings in the buff and says he's ``prepared to die at any second'' for his beliefs. Drake's half-hour programs include full frontal nudity as he sits in a chair and reads passages of scripture. The program does not violate city laws against pornography, according to the director of the public access T-V channel. The FBI is assisting Olympia police in the investigation of the assassination and bomb threat against preacher Drake. ======== Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 16:56:03 EDT From: Marty <MEARLE@UGA.BITNET> Subject: politics(supposed to be "horses" earlier... I forgot to include this one with my "a horse walked into a bar..." joke. Clinton and Gore went to a baseball game at Atlanta Braves Stadium. As they were sitting up in the stands, Gore leaned over and whispered something into Clinton's ear. Clinton perked up and said, "Oh really!? Okay!!" Suddenly he reached over, picked up Hilary, and HEAVED her out onto the field! Gore yelled at him, "NO!! I said PITCH!! The first PITCH!" ======== Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 23:22:12 +0200 From: Matthew James Ellis <matthew@CORAL.CSB.KI.SE> Subject: Sick--R-rated Two guys are at a rodeo...and notice the number of riders that are getting thrown off by a certain horse called "lucky strike" Later it comes over the tannoy that there is a major prize for anyone with the ability to ride the horse for more than 60 seconds. One of the guys decides to have a go. They release him from the pen upon the horse a short while later and he manages to remain on the horse untill it collapses from exhaustion. Upon returning to his friend with the prize. His friend exclaims "how the hell did you manage that?" To which his reply is, "My wife is an eppilectic.." MATT "Well I thought it was funny, anyway.." ======== Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 08:11:16 BST From: Joe Clark <smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK> Subject: one line absence makes the heart grow fungus ======== Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 14:04:05 LCL From: Randy Randall <RANDALL@WWG3.UOVS.AC.ZA> Organization: Computer Sience, UOFS, Bfn, RSA Subject: Humor in zoology class (x-rated); Penile humor A true story !! In the zoology class there is a lecturer who is quite perverted. There is also a poor girl who doesn't like his perverted jokes. One day he says in the class, "I believe in Nigeria, the average man has a penis that is 30cm long" The girl, who had enough of these jokes, got up from her seat and stormed out of the lecture hall. While she was making her way out, the lecturer retorted: "Lady, don't be in such a rush. The next flight to Nigeria is only tomorrow at Three p.m." Talking about penisses, There was once a guy who had a girl with the name of Wendy. He was so in love with her that he had her name tattooed on his penis. When he had an erection, it would show the entire name. However when it was soft (i.e. unerected), it would just show the first and last letters namely "WY". He then hears that in New York the guys have really long penisses. One day he is busy urinating at a public convenience when he sees the guy next door to him with a "WY" tattooed on his penis. He asks the guy if the guy's girlfriend's name is also Wendy. "No", the guy replies. What this is short for is: "Welcome to New York, have a nice day" ****************************************************************** **** * Randall van der Heyde * Internet: * * * Randall@wwg3.uovs.ac.za * * University Residence: ******************************* * * Home Address: * * Huis Olienhout * * * University of the Orange Free State * 5 Emerald Street * * Bloemfontein * Gemdene * * 9301 * 8301 Kimberley * ****************************************************************** **** * Tel. (051) 475-150 * Tel. (0531) 42610 * ****************************************************************** **** * * * Republic of South Africa * * * ****************************************************************** **** ======== Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 09:55:32 EST From: Herman Archie <HERMAN@USCN.BITNET> Subject: CondDundrums Why does a trian never sit down? Because it has a tender behind. Why isn,t your nose 12 inches? Because it would be a foot. ======== Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 09:29:23 CDT From: Martin Ignazito <AXC1525@UICVMC.BITNET> Subject: non crude sexual content A doctors office receives a call from a man who says he needs to speak to the doctor. The man then says: "Doctor, I have a problem with my sexual functionality." "What is the nature of your problem?" asks the doctor. "It's very difficult to describe" says the man "perhaps we could come to your office and perform while you observe." The doctor thought that this was a bit out of the ordinary, but he consented to see the couple and made an appointment. After the couple performed and got dressed, the doctor said "I can't seem to see anything wrong with what you are doing. I don't have anything to recommend." "Perhaps we should come back again" said the man. Another appointment was made for the next week and the couple left. After several visits to the doctor, the doctor finally takes the man aside and says, "Look, I can't really do anything for you and your wife. I can't seem to find anything wrong. You and your wife will have to consult a sex therapist or something like that." "That's not my wife" says the man "she's my girlfriend". "Your girlfriend" gasped the doctor "why on earth have you been coming to me?" "Well" replied the man "the Holiday Inn charges $60, you only charge $35 and I get $27 back from Blue Cross." (Bitnet) axc1525@uicvmc.bitnet (Internet) m-ignazito@uiuc.edu Fax 217-333-4294 Home 217-348-1525 Office 217-244-7784 ======== Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 12:33:15 EST From: Dani Mudge <DANI@USCN.BITNET> Subject: rated g jokes Q. What run btu but never moves? A. a clock Q. What is the do>[Difference between a hill and a pill ? A. One is hard to get up and the other is hard toi get down. Q. What animal keeps the best time? A, A watch dog. ======== Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 11:34:00 PDT From: "Briggs, Vickie" <VBriggs@UNEX.UCLA.EDU> Subject: An amusing poem The birds may kiss the bees goodbye, The buttercup... the butterfly. The morning dew may kiss the grass, And you my friend, may kiss my ass. ======== Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 13:21:26 -0600 From: Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU> Subject: PG-13 > So theres this guy, and he weighs about 600 lbs, and he decides that he'd >better lose all this weight for health purposes, self esteem, etc.. SO he >goes on this incredible diet which lets him lose about 400 lbs of weight >so that he's down to a mere 200 or so. The only problem with this is that >now he has all this loose skin bunched up everywhere, so he calls his doctor >on the phone and says "Oh my god..what the *&%$ am i gonna do with all this >skin!?" > And the doctor says "Well...come on down to the office and I'll have a look >at you." > And the guy says "Umm...doc...I dont think theres any way I want to be >seen in public with all this skin hanging offa me like dis" > The the doc says "Ok..I've got it..why dont you gather up all your skin >and pull it all up and tuck it up under your hat or something." > The guy agrees to this li'l scheme and pulls all his skin up..like a >face lift only it's a body-skin lift..and he tucks all the excess skin >under his hat, and goes to the doctors office. > He gets to the doctors office and the receptionist looks at him and >yells "OH MY GOD WHATS THAT HOLE IN YOUR FOREHEAD!?!?" > And the guy says "Thats my BELLY-BUTTON!!................. > > ......Howdya like my NECK-TIE!?!?!" > >--------------------- > >Think about it... > ======== Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 16:23:16 GMT Comments: MEMO 1993/06/03 16:28 From: Rick Diamant <UMCCFGW.DIAMAR@SSGATE.MISSOURI.EDU> Subject: Star Trek joke I just got this off the STREK-L list: Where do Trekkies go to work out? At the He's Dead Gym. ======== Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 19:37:48 EDT From: Tom Murray <F144@FERRIS.BITNET> Subject: PG-13 Religion and silly sickness For those of you who haven't gone to church lately: Q: What kind of fun does a monk have? A: Nun. One day Mother Superior and her three best nuns were riding their bicycles down the street. Everytime they hit a bump the three in back started to giggle. After about three miles of this nonsense and twelve bumps later the Mother Superior stated, "listen, if you girls don't this funny business right now I will be forced to put the seats back on your bikes!" Here's a joke I heard when I lived in England YEARS! ago! Three monks were on a raft fishing one day. The firstmonk's rod takes a nose dive into the water. Suspecting a fish on the end he reels up his line. Low and behold there is a fish on the end. He's just about to grab it and it falls off the line. He yells, "God damn it!" A bolt of lightning comes down from heaven and he's in a pile of ashes. The other two look on most astonished. The second monk's pole goes down. He reels up the line. He's just about to catch the fish on the end and it falls off the line. He yells, "God damn it!!" A bolt of lightning comes down from heaven and he's in a pile of ashes. The final monk looks on most depressed. Of course, this monks pole jumps and heads for the water. He reels up the line and there's a fish on the end of it. He's just about to catch it and it falls off the line. He yells, "God damn it!!!" A bolt of lightning comes down from heaven, splits the raft in two and a voice from heaven says, "God damn it!!!!" It's a clean joke but a cute one. And now for something completely different, the silly sick one: Q: How does a mathematician take care of constipation? A: With a pencil, of course. Remember, I prefer 77, that way I get eight (ate) more. Tom Murray ==> F144@Ferris.Bitnet Where all we do is go to school and read our mail. ======== Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 18:09:12 PDT From: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 1.F A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago, big ****************************************************************** ************* < The electronic funds transfer is in the electronic mail. . . . > A hindu, a rabbi, and a lawyer are traveling together and need to stop for the night. So they stop at the next farmhouse, and find lodging, with the qualification that the house is only big enough for two of them, and one will have to sleep in the barn. So the hindu volunteers and goes out to sleep in the barn while the lawyer and rabbi sleep in the house. A few minutes later, however, the lawyer and rabbi hear a knock on the door, and opening it, find the hindu who protests "There is a cow in the barn. Surely you can't expect me to sleep with cattle." So the rabbi and the lawyer agree that perhaps the rabbi should trade places with the hindu, and the rabbi goes out. Within a short time, the hindu and the lawyer are getting ready to go to sleep, when again there is a knock on the door. Opening the door they find the rabbi protesting, "There is a pig in the barn. Surely you can't expect me to sleep with a pig!". Weary of the whole problem by this time, the lawyer pulls the rabbi into the house, grabs a blanket and heads for the barn. Almost immediately, there is a third knocking at the door, and opening the door they find the pig and the cow. "Surely you can't expect us to sleep with a lawyer." ****************************************************************** ************* Did you hear about the old guru who wouldn't allow the dentist to use any anesthetic on him? He wanted to transcend dental medication. PROVERB #1: It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt. PROVERB #2: Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. ****************************************************************** ************* In the U.S.A. "Pass the honey, Honey". In the U.K. "Pass the sugar, Sugar". In Canada: "Pass the tea, bag". ****************************************************************** ************* A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell. Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Adam Smith, looking bored. "What's it like in there?" asked Dave. "Well," replied Adam, "In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives." "That's terrible!!" gasped Dave. "I'm going to check out Communist Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven times before receding off into the horizon. Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell was like. "In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives." "But ... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!" protested Dave. "True," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we don't have knives ..." ****************************************************************** ************* a particular policy matter among his staff ( I think something about fund raising, etc...). Lincoln said that it reminded him of a drunkard that stumbled into a church out West. The whole congregation watched as the man made his wy to the front of the church. The drunkard joined in the praying and sing- ing, but when the preacher began the sermon, the drunkard fell dead asleep. During the sermon, the preacher yelled,"All those on the side of the Lord stand up!" and the whole congregation stood up, with the exception of the sleeping drunkard. The preacher continued, "All those on the side of the Devil stand up!" The congregation sat down, but the drunkard startled heard the stand up part and stood up. "Preacher, I'm not sure I understood what you just said, but I want you to know that I'm behind you on it, even though it sure looks as though we're in the minority!" ****************************************************************** ************* Lawyer Jokes...courtesy of NOLO Press (Berkeley) There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. - Jean Giradoux A small town that cannot support one lawyer can alwyas support two. There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge. "I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence, so let's discuss his absence of character! - Michael Lara "There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'" - ibid Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree. ****************************************************************** ************* A man is sitting at the beach apparently playing chess with a shaggy dog. A spectator walks by, just as the dog pushes a piece. He stops out of curiousity, and sure enough, the man moves a piece, and a little while later the dog moves again. Fascinated, the spectator watches several more moves, and finally bursts out, "This is amazing! Your dog is playing chess." "It's not so amazing," the man replies, "I can beat him two games out of three." ****************************************************************** ************* ANOTHER ONE: A man goes to his doctor for a physical. A week later, the doctor calls him with the results. "I've got some bad news and some very bad news. First, the bad news. You have an incurable disease, and I estimate you have 24 hours to live." The patient replies, "My God, that's terrible! What could possibly be worse?" The doctor says, "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday!" ****************************************************************** ************* This IBM service rep, hardware engineer, and software engineer were driving down the road one day and they had a flat. The service rep wanted to replace the car, the hardware engineer thought they could work around it, and the software engineer said 'maybe if we ignore it, it'll go away'. ****************************************************************** ************* The new employee walks into the Boss's office and nervously tells the Boss, "I have some good news and bad news, Sir" The Boss looks up and asks, "What is the good news, Tom?" "I promise such a thing will never happen again" How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... ... and one to change the bulb. What lies at the bottom of the sea and whimpers? A: A nervous wreck. ****************************************************************** ************* It seems that a young man who came from a wealthy family was going off to college. Now Dad, who was no slouch, knew that the young rascal would probably just use all his money to booze it up and go after the girls (since this is what he himself had done). In order to prevent this, he presented his son with a fur coat which contained nine million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine hairs. And he said to his son, he said "Son, I want you to have this coat, and to take very good care of it, because it contains 9,999,999 hairs. If there are still 9,999,999 hairs when you graduate from school in 4 years, I'll give you a million dollars and set you up in a job for life." Well, the son thought this sounded pretty good, so he took his Dad up on it. While he was a freshman, he counted the hairs twice a semester: 9,999,999 hairs each time. Over the summer he counted them again: 9,999,999 hairs. Sophomore year he counted those 9,999,999 hairs every month, and every month there were 9,999,999 hairs. Junior year, he was at it every week: 9,999,999 hairs. Week after week after week: 9,999,999 hairs. By senior year he was counting them every day: 9,999,999 hairs. Skipping classes for those 9,999,999 hairs. Well, by the time graduation rolled around, he felt like he'd counted those 9,999,999 hairs about 9,999,999 times, but he kept right on counting. As soon as he finished with those 9,999,999 hairs, he'd count them again: 9,999,999 hairs. On the night before graduation, he stayed up all night counting: 9,999,999 hairs. Finally the big day arrived, and Dad came to see junior. "Well, son, have you got those 9,999,999 hairs still intact?" asked the old man. "Yes, Dad, all 9,999,999 hairs are there!" So they started to count them together. And there were 9,999,998 hairs! The son couldn't believe it. They counted again: 9,999,998 hairs. And the son sat down and cried, his whole future shot (since he'd gotten straight D's from all the classes he'd skipped). And as the son was sitting there, a little moth flew out of the coat, the same moth who'd eaten that 9,999,999th hair. And the moth felt so bad about what he'd done that he started to cry too. Have you ever seen a moth bawl? ****************************************************************** ************* Three guys went out in their 4 wheel drive unit to go "shootn". While out they found a rabbit from one of the neighboring farms and caught it. They decided instead of "shootn" at it, they'd have some real fun. And so they tied a stick of dinamite to the little beastie and lit it. Well remember, this was a poor confused farm rabbit, so it immediately ran off and hid,... directly *under* their four wheel drive truck. *BOOM* and the four wheel drive truck suddenly turned into a Volkswagen Rabbit! ****************************************************************** ************* Teddy Roosevelt was about to speak at a Bull Moose rallley As he began, a heckler started shouting "I'm a Republican!". Well, T.R. ignores this fellow for a while, but finally, he gets to be too much to take. T.R.: "Pray tell, sir, what are your reasons for being a Republican?" HECKLER: "Well, my daddy was a Republican, and so was his daddy." T.R.: (Feeling very pleased that this jerk had given him such an opening) Well then sir, suppose your father and your father's father had been jackasses. What then would you be?" HECKLER: "A Democrat." ======== Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 23:56:04 EST From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET> Subject: Dangerfield humor <adult themes> "Good crowd, good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm okay now but last week I was in rough shape. Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap." "I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!" "My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens." "One year they wanted to make me poster boy.. for birth control." ======== Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 10:09:10 GMT Comments: GABOR From: MICHAEL G MILLER <MILLER3@MAIL.LOC.GOV> Subject: GABOR The wrinkled skin joke reminded me of what a local wag once said. He said that if Zsa Zsa Gabor had one more facelift, she would be wearing a goatee. ======== Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 11:08:00 EDT From: "Michael B. Smith" <MBS116@PSUVM.BITNET> Subject: A TV in everyroom.(pg-13) a man takes off his pantyhose before he plays racquetball. his buddy asks him what is with the pantyhose. he replies that he wears them now. since when his buddy asks. ever since my wife found them in the glove compartment. ******************************************************** The young lady was feeling a bit amorous, so she decided to leave work a little early and surprise her husband. When she got home she saw her husband in the bedroom. She went in the bedroom and said, "John, take off my shoes." So John took off her shoes. Then she said, "John, take off my dress." So John obliged and took off her dress. Next it was "John, take off my slip." So John took off her slip. Then she said, "John take off my bra!" So John unhooked her bra and let it fall to the floor. Lastly she said "John, take off my panties!!!." After John finished removing her panties she said, "Don't ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again!" ======== Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 11:50:24 EST From: Herman Archie <HERMAN@USCN.BITNET> Subject: IN MEMORY of JFK. A boy and a girl got caught fucking in the back of a car. Three witness were asked to testify in court. THE first witness took the stand and said your honor, Isaw them fucking. The judge fined the witness 10 dollars for cursing in the court- room. The seecond witness took the stand and siad, your honor I saw them fuching too. The judge fined the second witness 10 dollars also for cursing in the courtroom. Finally, the third witness took the stand and said your honor, I saw 5 to I saw 10 toes up and 10 toes dowm. ASSes going out and asses going in if that ain't fucking here's my 10. ======== Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 11:40:42 CDT From: Pete <EGALT1@UA1VM.BITNET> Subject: Thanks for not smoking! This makes a great sign for all of you non-smokers out there. Cigarette Smoke is the residue of your pleasure. It fills the air, putrifies my clothes and hair and lungs, withoust my consent. I have pleasure too. I like beer. The residue from my pleasure is urine. Would you be annoyed if I stood on a chair and pissed on you head and clothes without your consent? THANK YOU FOR NOT SMOKING!! ======== Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 11:55:14 -0500 From: Brad Pardee <bradp@UNLLIB.UNL.EDU> Subject: Hilary From a caller to Rush Limbaugh: "Clinton has found his own Rodham and Gomorrah." ======== Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 12:58:59 EST From: Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET> Subject: Academic pay dispute Fatback, NC (MailPouch) -- A salary grievance was filed today at State College over a bitter dispute involving two professors from the Department of Southeastern European Languages, Professor Ijp and Professor Ajpa. Dr. Ijp, who is an associate professor, filed the demand for salary arbitration after he learned that Dr. Ajpa, who is also an associate professor, was receiving a salary three times greater than his own. "I don't understand it," said Ijp, "we hold the same rank, we work in similar areas, we both publish scholarly works, yet for some reason Dr. Ajpa is paid three times more than I am. It just doesn't make any sense. I don't know why they are doing this, but I intend to find out." When contacted by the SMOKEHOUSE READER, the faculty Dean at State College, Farley Wagonsmith, defended the salary disparity between the two professors. "It's really quite simple," said Dean Wagonsmith. "Although Dr. Ijp is a good professor, he is a slightly-built man, weighing in at just 107 pounds. We pay him $32,500 a year, which comes out to $303.74 per pound. On the other hand, Dr. Ajpa is a bear of a man, at 311 pounds, and we pay him $93,638 per year, or only $301.09 per pound. As you can see, the per pound rate for Dr. Ajpa is actually less than the rate for Dr. Ijp. I think that Dr. Ijp has failed to appreciate adequately the indisputable fact that Dr. Ajpa is providing 3 times more professor to the College than is Dr. Ijp. Thus the so-called disparity in salaries, from our point of view, is more illusory than real. Right now our biggest concern is that Dr. Ajpa will demand rate parity with Dr. Ijp as a result of this unfortunate grievance action." Reaction to the salary controversy has been largely negative around the state. One citizen summarized the comments of many by complaining, "I had no idea they were spending so many of our tax dollars on any of these guys. They cost more than decent round steak." ======== Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 10:56:42 PDT From: "Julianne Edmunds (463-4848)" <EDMUNDSJ@STLVM27.VNET.IBM.COM> Subject: "GNU HISSED TREE" (PG-13) Another compilation of student bloopers... ======== The World According to Student Bloopers Richard Lederer St. Paul's School One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cul- tivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote liter- ature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Vir- gin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be- fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Mac- beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained." During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post with- out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented elec- tricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a sup- posedl insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolu- tion, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. ======== ======== Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 10:00:00 PDT From: TORRANCE Pat <ptorrance@SHL.COM> Subject: Divorce joke - Sexual content A man walks into a lawyer's office and says he wants a divorce. "Why is that?" said the lawyer. "I want a divorce because our sexual life isn't satisfying. In fact, it's got me extremely depressed. I'm beginning to doubt my virility," said the sad-eyed man. "I find it hard to believe that your sexual activity can have such an effect on you. Can you give an example of what's going on?" "I can't describe it properly. I'll record what happens tonight and you can hear for yourself." Early on the next morning, the gentleman returned with a cassette in hand. "This should explain my complaint." So the lawyer put the tape in his expensive office stereo and started it playing. "Thaaat's haaaapinesss.......thaaat's haaaapinesss," a female voice came from the speakers. "It doesn't sound too bad to me!" said the lawyer. "That's because you've got the tape at the wrong speed," "THAT'S a penis????" ======== Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 16:20:00 EST From: "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858" <KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU> Subject: Texan/Israeli joke (innocuous) LAUGH THERAPY A Texan was touring Israel, complete with his cowboy hat and cowboy boots. We all know about the tendency of Texans to brag. While driving down a great, flat desert, he spied a tiny house in the distance, with a neat picket fence. Coming closer, he saw an elderly man leaning against the fence. "Shalom, you all," said the Texan. "Shalom," replied the Israeli. "Do you speak English? "Sure I do." "Do you own this little house? "Yes." "What on Earth do you do out here in this isolated area? "I raise chickens." "How large is your property?" "Well, " answered the Israeli, "In the front, it's a good eighty feet. And in the back, it must be 100, 110 feet at least." The Texan grinned. "I don't mean to brag, but back in Texas where I come from, I eat breakfast, get into my car around 9 am and drive and drive and drive and drive, and I don't reach the end of my property until about 6 o'clock at night." And the Israeli then said, "I once owned a car like that." - -- ======== Date: Sat, 5 Jun 1993 03:20:00 +0300 From: hananel kvatinsky <ramot@CCSG.TAU.AC.IL> Subject: Re: Life 1.F A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago, big On Thu, 3 Jun 1993 cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM wrote ( I am responding just to one of the jokes ): > ****************************************************************** ************* > > In the U.S.A. "Pass the honey, Honey". > > In the U.K. "Pass the sugar, Sugar". > > In Canada: "Pass the tea, bag". > > ******************************************************************************* > In ??? : " Pass me the beefsteak, Cow " Hananel Kvatinsky Ramat-Gan, Israel ======== Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 22:51:25 EST From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET> Subject: The DEVIL's dictionary <cynical> I hope there are some Ambrose Bierce fans out there, because I want to sample some of his humor to this list. Ambrose Bierce, *The Devil's Dictionary* (originally printed 1911) my copy printed 1979 by Thomas Y. Crowell Publishers, NY. Academy, n. (from academe). A modern school where football is taught. Academe, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Diagnosis, n. A physician's forecast of disease by the patient's pulse and purse. Dog, n. A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship. this Divine Being in some of his smaller and silkier incranations takes, in the affection of Woman, the place to which there is no human male aspirant. The Dog is a survival--an anachronism. He toils not, neither does he spin, yet Solomon in all his glory never lay upon a door-mat all day long, sun- soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the means wherewith to purchase an idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned with a look of tolerant recognition. Kiss, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss." it is supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its performance is unknown to this lexicographer. Kleptomaniac, n. A rich thief. Moral, adj. Conforming to a local and mutable standard of right. Having the quality of general expediency. Mouth, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart. Saint, n. A dead sinner revised and edited. Sauce, n. The one infallible sing of civilization and enlightenment. A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sause invented and accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven. Vote, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country. ======== Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 22:07:19 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at Memphis State <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU> Subject: No Smoking Sign LADIES AND GENTLEMEN ARE KINDLY REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE; AND SO ARE YOU! ======== Date: Sat, 5 Jun 1993 09:13:52 -0400 From: Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU> Subject: Joke (fwd) My brother sent me this a couple of days ago, and I thought I'd share it with you. When changing the toner today in our office TI laser printer I noticed the following on the cleaning pad holder: ADVARSEL: HOJ TEMPERATUR HUOMATOUS: ERITAIN KUUMA ATTENTION: TEMPERATURE ELEVEE ZUR BEACHTUNG: HOHE TEMPERATUR CUIDADO: TEMPERATURA ELEVADA CAUTION: HIGH TEMPERATURE AVOID TOUCHING What is it about English-speakers that singles them out as being unable to make the connection between "Hot!" and "Don't Touch!"? ======== Date: Sun, 6 Jun 1993 14:58:41 EDT From: Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET> Subject: HUMOR has 800+ SUBers This past Thursday HUMOR, for the first, passed the 800 subscriber mark. Clearly, our contributors continue to do a good job of providing us with classic and contemporary humor. As Listowner I particularly appreciate the clear warnings provided by most contributors when they are posting potentially sensitive or offensive humor. This convention should continue to provide us with full freedom of expression while respecting the experiences, views, and sensitivities of fellow subscribers. In recent weeks we have been averaging 14/15 messages per day. As long as our contributors keep most of their posts under a 100 lines, the list volume should be managable by even our members with small accounts. If our current contributors will continue to obey the one post per day rule, the HUMOR list could use some more contributors. Obligatory humor: Morris K. Udall in his wonderfully funny book about politics, *Too Funny to be President* says the following: "I am indebted to my longtime friend, Art Buchwald, the author of *Buchwald's Fourth Law,* which reads: "The First two times you use a joke, give your source credit. From then on, to hell with it! Be shameless--claim it as your own. After all, your source undoubtedly stole it from someone else." Jokes are public, not private property, and you can't be prosecuted for borrowing them. Like most political humorists, mark Shields admits to having done his share of pilferage. "Jokes have a copyright of about twelve hours," he says. At an Auburn-Alabama footall game there wsn't a ticket available for weeks. On the forty-five-yard line a fan sat with an empty seat next to him. A spectator asked the man if he knew who owned the seat. "Yes, I do." "Then why isn't it being used on the day of the biggest game of the year?" Mournfully, the man said, "Well, my wife and I have season tickets and we alway s come together. But last Friday she died." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. But why didn't you give her ticket to one of your children?" "Oh, I couldn't do that. They're all at the funeral." ======== Date: Sun, 6 Jun 1993 16:08:49 -0400 From: Richard Chatham <rchatham@MATHSUN1.MATH.UTK.EDU> Subject: Mathematician joke The worst thing about buying something from a mathematician is figuring out what to do with the 100-page proof of purchase. ======== Date: Sun, 6 Jun 1993 19:19:41 EST From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET> Subject: The DEVIL's dictionary <cynical> Intimacy, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destructon. Inventor, n. A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization. Irreligion, n. The principal one of the great faiths of the world. Justice, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes, and personal service. Kill, v. t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor. ======== Date: Sun, 6 Jun 1993 22:23:47 EST From: Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET> Subject: Ethnic jokes <tasteless> A Lithuanian, a Japanese, and an American went elk hunting in the mountains of Wyoming. When the Japanese came back to camp with a big buck, his companions asked how he'd managed it. "I saw the tracks. I followed the tracks. Bang! I got the elk." The next day it was the American who dragged in a big buck. "I saw tracks. I followed 'em, and--bang!--I got the elk," was his simple story. The third evening the Lute dragged himself into the camp, a bruised and bloody mess. "What the hell happened to you?" asked the American. "I saw the tracks. I followed the tracks, and--bang!" moaned the Lute, "I got hit by a train. Did you hear about the smart aleck high school dropout who was robbing a bank? He went up to the teller and said, "All, you mothersticker, this is a fuckup!" He didn't get any money because the teller broke up laughing. How do you bury a Korean? Flush. How do you bury an American? Flush three times. If English cuisine is so bad, how come the English get so fat? They love to sing Irish songs, devour Welsh creams and cheese, drink Scot whiskey, and eat French food. What do you call an uncircumcised Jewish baby? A girl. What do you call a white NBA basketball player? Benchwarmer. What do Portuguese wear to weddings? Formal fishnet. What do you call a white man who dies and gets wings? An angel. How about a black man who does the same? A bat. What's so special about the elevator at Bloomingdale's? It's about the only thing a rich man's wife will go down on. What's the difference between an Israelite and an Israeli? About thirty calories. Why are the most successful churches round? So there are no corners to hide in when the collection plate is passed. Why do Nevada quickie divorces cost so much? They're worth it. Why can't you get protestants to send their children to Jewish schools? They don't do homework. What do you call a white man surrounded by three blacks? Victim. What do you call a white man surrounded by five blacks? Coach. What do you call a white man surrounded by ten blacks? Quarterback. What do you call a white man surrounded by three hundred blacks? Warden. ======== Date: Sun, 6 Jun 1993 23:38:44 EST From: "Bill Edwards, Columbus College, Georgia" <EDWARDS@USCN.BITNET> Subject: New political bumpersticker Most Americans have now seen the bumpersticker "Don't blame me, I voted for Bush." I received a phone call tonight from a friend in Ohio who reported seeing an answering bumpersticker: "Who did you blame when Bush was President." I bet they didn't blame President Bush. :-> Blame, bitterness, and complaining--sounds like obstructionism to me. ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 09:07:00 EST From: HARSH <HARSH@CRNLGSM.BITNET> Subject: Golf Jokes.. Origin :: Unknown ----------------------------Original message---------------------------- <forwards deleted> Golf jokes : Ah, I believe this one is best done with a bit'a the brogue after a wee sip. Me wife says to me one day "Tain't it about time you learned to play this golf thing that all the other husbands are play'n? So I goes next door and says to me neighbor "Can you teach me to play golf?" He: "Sure. Have you got any balls and club?" Me: "?.....of course. Why?" H: "Well bring'em to the club house tomorrow and we'll T-off." M: "?T-off? Whats this T-off?" H: "Oh - its just a golf term and we'll T-off right next to the clubhouse." M: "Look, you T-off where ever you want to but I'll T-off in private if you don't mind." H: "(chuckle) No no, a T's that little thing about the size of your little finger." M: (them damn women been talk'n again) H: "Look, the first thing you do is stick you T in the ground and put you ball on top of it." M: "Oh, this is sit down game?" H: "No, your standing up when you put your ball on the T." M: "Is'nt that strech'n things a bit far"? H: "No. You got a bag to go along with your balls'n clubs"? M: "?.....of course. Why?" H: "Zippered bag or velcro"? M: "?...........neither". H: "Oh, well how do you hold you club"? I: "Two fingers". H: "No, no. That's not right. Look let me get around behind you like this. Now spread your feet apart a bit. Bend over a bit. Now I'll put my arms around you and show you how to swing". M: "Damn man, I spent six years in the Navy and I know what you got on your mind. H: "Ok, look, you take your club and swing it over your shoulder . . ." M: "No, no, that's me brother Jimmy you be think'n of". H: ". . . and you hit your ball with it and it'll soar and soar". M: "I can well belive that". H: "Then when your on the green . . ." M: "What's the green thing"? H: "Ah, thats where the hole is". M: "You color blind"? H: "No, why"? " . . . anyway, when you get there, you take your putter . . ." M: "Whats a putter"? H: "Smallest club made>" M: (DAMN that woman, just can't keep her mouth shut). H: ". . . and with it you put the ball in the hole". M: "You mean the putter"? H: "No, the ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter". M: "Well - that's when I knew he didn't know what he was talk'n about. Cuz I seen holes big enough for a horse-n-wagon". H: "Then after the first hole, you go on to the next 17". M: "I quit. Takes me 18 days to make one hole. Besides, how would I know when I in the 18th one"? H: "Why, the holes got a flag in it". M: Sheeez! ------------ A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's a nice hot summers day and two men are playing golf on a course that is situated near a main road. As he is just about to tee off on the 10th hole one of the men notices a hearse driving slowly along the road. He stops in mid swing and places his club on the ground, tuns round, faces the road and removes his hat in a solemn gesture. The second man turns round to him and says... M2: "Come off it, it's only a hearse." M1: "But you don't understand, its my wife's funeral..." ____________________ ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 08:46:01 -0600 From: Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU> Subject: WHAT TO DO TO FAIL A TEST--LONG BUT FUNNY! Subj: 50 things to do when you're going to fail! 50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam) 1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!" 3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. 4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril. 5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 6. Bring cheerleaders. 7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?" 8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level. 9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. 10. Bring pets. 11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off. 12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. 14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else. 15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible. 16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals. 17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. 18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. 19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. 20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam. 21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. 22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..). 23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. 24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly. 25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink) 26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). 27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" 28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away. 30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam. 31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!" 32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said. 33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. 34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. 35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story. 36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield. 37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. 38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit." 39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip. 40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. 41. One word: Wrestlemania. 42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start. 43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. 44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. 45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice. 46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam. 47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. 48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle. 49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so". 50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks" ----------------------------------------------------------- 13 HUMOR014 ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 10:51:37 -0400 From: Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU> Subject: WRIGHT jokes SOME AMUSING STEVE WRIGHT SAYINGS (and look-alikes) From various sources, some from memory, grouped in a semi-random way. I excluded just a few that I thought weren't very funny. These are likely to have been modified in translation... Last updated: 910903 --- big picture --- A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes... It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. --- banks --- I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time. --- museums --- I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire. --- restaurants --- I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it. There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. --- stores --- I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four." I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today. I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. --- appliances --- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it... I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control. I invented the cordless extension cord. --- telephones --- I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it." I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..." Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday." --- apartments --- My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious! All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?" --- houses --- In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real." In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs. One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes. I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick. I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them. The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!" My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH. --- cars and driving --- For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... (slow glance upward) I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*. I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was. I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired. A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it." I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..." One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read." I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go." The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?" When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire area was missing. --- sleeping --- I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world. My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them. --- socks --- I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were! I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." --- records --- I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank." --- fishing --- Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. --- dogs --- I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. --- chemistry --- If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. (Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody! They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (picks up his glass of water from the stool)... I like to live on the edge... I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it. --- childhood --- I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?" When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse. When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge. I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it. My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old. My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band." When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. --- not-all-there --- You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time. Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow. I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... it wasn't doing what I was doing. If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. Four years ago... no, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I... No, I don't. --- suicide --- I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done." I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel. --- books --- I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. What's another word for Thesaurus? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ... I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. --- miscellaneous one-liners --- After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds. I like to reminisce with people I don't know. I like to skate on the other side of the ice. I lost a button hole today. I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age. I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot. I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it. I took a baby shower. I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic. I was skydiving horizontally. I washed mud, off of mud. I'm so hyper... (said with a very dull voice) If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ... "So, do you live around here often?" Women... can't live with 'em... can't shoot 'em. You can't have everything. Where would you put it? --- miscellaneous --- My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..." I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?"... I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it if you never called me again." The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... boy, were they mad! The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney... I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses. Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug. I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do? I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen. He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in. I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... ooooohhhhhh, that's much better... I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring." My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time." It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows. I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was another sign below it that said "self service". So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger. In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller. I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads. This is my impression of a bowling ball... (drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it)... gutter... I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better. I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George. ___________________________________ From: rods@mentor.com (Rod Schmidt) Date: 22 Jan 1990 Subject: FAKE Steven Wright jokes [original; edited] Newsgroups: rec.humor Here are my categories, with examples (his): ENGLISH: I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. REVERSALS / SYMMETRY: I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today." I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job." SIMILARITY / ANALOGY: I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded." I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake. WRONG METHODS / REASONS / MECHANISMS: When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. IDEMPOTENCE / ADDITION OF EFFECTS (REPETITION): I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. It's a fine night to have an evening. Even snakes are afraid of snakes. SELF: I can't stop thinking like this. This isn't all true. You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time. NAAAHH: I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet. Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. TRIVIALIZATION: Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?" My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me. ___________________________________ These are "fake" Steve Wright sayings, by Rod Schmidt: I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes". My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. I eat swiss cheese from the inside out. I had amnesia once or twice. I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs. The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time. How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb? The sky already fell. Now what? I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg. I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club? When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare? Smoking cures weight problems... eventually... I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor. Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?" I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time. I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick." There aren't enough days in the weekend. My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on. The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards. Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill. Is "tired old cliche" one? If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows. When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives. The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les. Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business. I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back. In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches. I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done. Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough. I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum. I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale." I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York. A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will." I had my coathangers spayed. I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?" Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle. ___________________________________ Date: 1 Sep 91 From: kirlik@chmsr.gatech.edu (Alex Kirlik) [more look-alikes] I got a calculator and now I can't add without it. I got a spellchecker and I can't write without it anymore. I got a blowdryer and now my hair won't dry on its own. Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D. I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings. I worked as a lumberjack for a lumber company. All of the trees were just 10 feet high and 1/4 inch thick. We made paneling. Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met. Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself. Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed. ___________________________________ And here's one from arensb@cvl.umd.edu (Andrew Arensburger): I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect. And from cth@hpfcso (CT Hart): What are imitation rhinestones? If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? If God dropped acid, would he see people? ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 10:52:11 -0400 From: Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU> Subject: SEX __________________________________________________________________ ______________ Your Favorite Color is the Key to Your Sexual Life The cloths you wear, your home furnishings and the car you drive all give clues to your sexual personality. The key is the colors you select for your possessions. Most people claim they haven't a favorite color. But look around you, and you'll notice a pattern, especially in your clothing and home decor. The predominant color for you is the one that appears most frequently - - -- it's the one that mirrors the sexual you. A panel of psychologists, speaking at the 1975 Home Interior Design Forum, explained the association between color and sexual patterns. RED: People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterly blush. Lovers of red tend to be aggressors and weaker colors should be aware. YELLOW: If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex and turn toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is yellow. But don't panic -- not everyone who wears yellow is queer. In most cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from somebody you enjoy or admire. PINK: Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases they flaunt their femininity -- but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will make three dates for the same evening and not keep one, preferring to pick up a dish in some bar instead. Women whose husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg. PURPLE: Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification. BLACK: Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer the color black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of mosters and teenage gangs is black attire. GREEN: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity. ORANGE: Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings, meaningless dialogue; they feel it is their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm -- but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair, and women leave red welts on the sex partner's back. BROWN: If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing. Where you can't say "I love you" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair. GREY: The color grey a preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything -- including color -- so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer grey look at sex as a way of relieving tension -- but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons only: to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. But when teamed with another color, the grey spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When a grey marries another grey, the marriage is made in heaven. BLUE: Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sinners, affectionate and sensitive to their partner's needs. They consider love making a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love blue are like concert pianists, delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners but their passion may be compared to a tidal wave rather than firery aggression. Both women and men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex act itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate - - -- never seeking outside interests. WHITE: If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in the daylight in unheard of. Women who love white will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people still use pet names for their genitals. ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 10:53:02 -0400 From: Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU> Subject: how to shoot yourself in foot ****************************************** ** How to shoot yourself in the foot: ** ** Which language is right for you? ** ****************************************** Assembler: You shoot yourself in the foot. Ada: The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you a blindfold and a last cigarrette. BASIC (interpreted): You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg is waterlogged and rots off. BASIC (compiled): You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile launcher. C++: You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible. COBOL: USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER ON HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PREFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.COLT TO HIP.HOLSTER. cah: After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you shoot the computer and switch to C. dBASE: You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to shoot bullets. Fortran: You shoot yourself in each toe, interactively, until you run out of toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway, since no exception-processing was anticipated. Modula-2: You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun. Pascal: Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type for the gun and your hand is blown off. PL/1: After consuming all system resources, including bullets, the data processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes, and drops the original on your foot. Smalltalk, Actor, etc: After playing with the graphics for three weeks, the programming manager shoots you in the head. Snobol: Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a bullet. ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 10:53:22 -0400 From: Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU> Subject: deep thoughts DEEP THOUGHTS Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words-"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man. I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!" The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. I'd rather be rich than stupid. If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me." If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I'm a coward. I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, in the story of Popeye. When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable-until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!! Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up. You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away. If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing? He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven-with a gun." The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car-I forget what kind it was-and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something you did." Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see. As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Martha said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke-just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy! One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over the the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone. Laurie got offended because I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with a whore he picked up in town. I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint. If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. When I was a kid, my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur. ------------------- -Adam L. Seligman CODENAME ATOM MAN GOVERMENT RESEARCH LAB WILLIAMS INTERPLANETARY COLLEGE that's not funny..."nevermind" -Emily la Tella (or somesuch) ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 10:54:38 -0400 From: Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU> Subject: Sayings ****************************************************************** ******** Understanding Your Student ****************************************************************** ******** WHAT YOUR STUDENT SAYS WHAT YOUR STUDENT MEANS - ---------------------- ----------------------- Your course is too tough I haven't been doing my homework Writing exams makes me nervous I haven't been doing my homework You're always trying to show us I'm embarrassed because I'm not how smart you are prepared again I understand the overall concept I haven't got a clue about the of this topic current topic I would like to have had more time I didn't read it to study the text I have some concerns about the I hope this won't be on the exam theory upon which this lecture is based There are some aspects of the I sure as hell ain't gonna read that chapter that I would like to hear many pages, so maybe you could just more about go over the highlights Your lectures are not strongly You mean I have to come to lectures enough linked to the text to get the notes? Your lecture is an interesting I fell asleep in class explanation of the text material You've failed to discuss some of What do you mean -- read on my own? the more relevant sections of the text I would like you to explain... I don't know anything about this stuff Do you have a minute to answer a Wanna listen to me whine for an hour? question about the assignment? The exam was unfair I didn't study I need an extension I started this morning and just realized that I can't finish it in 3 hours You're the worst prof I ever had You make us work hard The prof I had last semester was He didn't make us work much better I'll never take another course I've failed out of school from you again ****************************************************************** ************ ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 10:54:05 -0400 From: Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU> Subject: Murphy's Laws MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX -------------------- 1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. 2. Nothing improves with age. 3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. 4. Sex has no calories. 5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. 6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. 7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. 8. No sex with anyone in the same office. 9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. 10. A man in the house is worth two in the street. 11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 12. Virginity can be cured. 13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. 14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. 16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. 17. It is always the wrong time of month. 18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. 19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. 20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. 21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure. 22. The younger the better. 23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. 24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. 25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. 27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. 28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. 29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. 30. Love is a hole in the heart. 31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. 32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. 33. Do it only with the best. 34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. 35. One good turn gets most of the blankets. 36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. 37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. 39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood. 40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. 41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. 42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested. 43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. 44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. 45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. 46. Never say no. 47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. 48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps. 49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. 50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog. 51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. 52. Love comes in spurts. 53. The world does not revolve on an axis. 54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. 55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. 56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up. 57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. 58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. 59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. 60. "This won't hurt, I promise." ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 10:56:08 -0400 From: Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU> Subject: oxymorons, sayings ( A friend sent me this...the reference at the end is, I believe, just a suggestion, not the source of it (this was put together by someone independ- ently).. ) {ed Many of these are not what is traditionally called an oxymoron on the net, but they are mostly worth it.} OXYMORON Ancient Greek : Oxus = "sharp" Moros = "dull" "Oxymoron" = a sharp dullness or a foolish wise. ...a self contradicting phrase. _____ When large numbers of men are unable to find work, unemployment results. Calvin Coolidge For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. Abraham Lincoln That that is is. Why is this thus ? What is the reason for this thusness ? Artemus Ward Ah well, they say its not as bad as they say it is. Black Light I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. Left Handed Screwdrivers. Striped paint. Pigeon's milk. Straight hooks. Cooking glue. It was as bad as being up a creek in a barbed wire canoe. ...about as useful as a chocolate teapot. I want my bedroom painted sky-blue pink. compulsory volunteers college student jumbo shrimp That shoe fits him like a glove. I wouldn't be paranoid if everyone didn't pick on me. Plastic lemons, rubber bones, bricked-up windows, artificial grass, plastic flowers, invisible ink. People have one thing in common: they are all different. It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. Mark Twain The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be. Paul Valery When one has good health it is not serious to be ill. Francis Blanche Is there life before death ? Belfast Graffito Often it is fatal to live too long. Racine The first condition of immortality is death. Stanislaw Lec As famous as the unknown soldier. Anyone who isn't confused here doesn't really know what's going on. I must follow the people. Am I not their leader ? Benjamin Disraeli The saddest moment in a person's life comes but once. A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession. "Who died?" he asked a nearby local. "I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think its the one in the coffin." The dumplings in a dream are not dumplings, only dreams. He lived his life to the end. You always find something in the last place you look. A woman met a man walking along the street wearing only one shoe. "Just lost a shoe ?" she asked. He answered, "Nope, just found one." Classified add: For Sale: Man's suit, perfect fit. It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others. John Andrew Holmes Some painters transform the sun into a yelow spot; others transform a yellow spot into the sun. Pablo Picasso Beyond each corner new directions lie in wait. Stanislaw Lec My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure. My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot. Ashleigh Brilliant A man can do what he wants, but not want what he wants. Arthur Schoperhauer Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think. Ambrose Bierce You can observe a lot just by watchin'. Yogi Berra In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain. Pliny the Elder The English certainly and fiercly pride themselves in never praising themselves. Wyndham Lewis I have made mistakes, but have never made the mistake of claiming I never made one. James G. Bennet Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history. George Bernard Shaw Trapped, like a trap in a trap. Dorothy Parker I am not sincere, even when I say I am not. Jules Renard You've no idea of what a poor opinion I have of myself, and how little I deserve it. W.S. Gilbert Great Rules for writing from William Safire in the New York Times. Do not put statements in the negative form. And don't start sentences with a conjunction. It is incumbent on one to avoid archaisms. If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all. De-accession euphemisms. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Last, but not least, avoid cliche's like the plague. I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure. Graffitti seen in Pompeii : Everyone writes on the walls but me. Hypochondria is the one disease I have not got. Procrastinate now! I've told you for the fifty-thousandth time, stop exagerating. Young Man: Why do philosophers ask so many questions? Old Philosopher: Why shouldn't philosophers ask so many questions? What is the world to a man who's wife is a widow. A stone was placed at a ford in a river with the inscription: "When this stone is covered it is dangerous to ford here." In the city today the temperature rose to 180 degrees. This sudden rise of temperature was responsible for the intolerable heat. "Have you lived in this village all your life?" "No, not yet." "Who is the oldest inhabitant of this village?" "We haven't got one; we had one, but he died three weeks ago." "Hey, somebody cut the end off this rope!" "Hey, Trixie, what's your earliest memory?" "Umm... I don't remember!" Overheard in hotel: "It's eight o'clock, sir!" "Why the devil didn't you tell me that before?" Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down. Ashleigh Brilliant There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad. Salvador Dali Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore. It's too crowded. Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it. Mark Twain I tripped over a hole that was sticking up out of the ground. Quotes from Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant turned famous movie producer: Quick as a flashlight. It rolled off my back like a duck. (When told his son was getting married) Thank heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man. A hospital is no place to be sick. Our comedies are not to be laughed at. I can give you a definite perhaps. (when told a script was full of old cliches) Let's have some new cliches. ("You say you've never mad a picture before?") Yes, but that's our strongest weak point. Gentleman, include me out. A verbal contract is'nt worth the paper its printed on. I can tell you in two words: im possible. (on being told that a friend had named his son Sam, after him) Why did you do that ? Every Tom, Dick and Harry is named Sam! I paid too much for it, but its worth it. Gentlemen, for your information, I have a question to ask you. I read part of it all the way through. If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive. I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years. Let's bring it up to date with some snappy nineteenth century dialogue. Goldwyn: What kind of dancing does Martha Graham do? Associate: Modern dancing. Goldwyn: I don't want her then, modern dancing is so old fashioned. I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. Bookkeeper: Mr. Goldwyn, our files are bulging with paperwork we no longer need. May I have your permission to destroy all records before 1945? Goldwyn: Certainly. Just be sure to keep a copy of everything. Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. (on a film set of a tenement) Goldwyn : Why is everything so dirty here? Director : Because it's supposed to be a slum area. Goldwyn : Well, this slum cost a lot of money. It should look better than an ordinary slum. Gentlemen, listen to me slowly. That's the trouble with directors - always biting the hand that lays the golden egg. Keep a stiff upper chin. We have all passed a lot of water since then. ... we have that Indian scene. We can get the Indians from the resevoir. (in discussing Lillian Helman's play, "The Children's Hour") Goldwyn : Maybe we ought to buy it? Associate : Forget it, Mr. Goldwyn, its about Lesbians. Goldwyn : That's okay, we'll make them Americans. Don't worry about the war. It's all over but the shooting. Associate : Its to caustic for film. Goldwyn : To hell with the cost, if it's a good story, I'll make it. More sample and analysis (including a collection of visuals) can be found in "More on Oxymoron" by Patrick Hughes, 1983, Penguin books. -- Brendan Kehoe -- ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 11:27:01 -0400 From: "Steven D. Conniff" <conniff@ANN-ARBOR.APPLICON.SLB.COM> Subject: Fletch Does anyone remember this from "Fletch" with Chevy Chase? ############################################################ ###### ####### Fletch: Aren't you going to read my rights? Crooked cop: Oh yeah, you have the right to have your balls stomped on by me...you have the right to have your face kicked in by him. Fletch: I'll wave my rights. ############################################################ ###### ####### Very funny stuff. ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 11:38:50 EST From: Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET> Subject: Sexual yearnings <limerick> There was a young lady so wild Who kept herself pure, undefiled, By thinking of Jesus, Venereal diseases, And the danger of having a child. ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 15:45:00 GMT From: "John R. Garrett" <0004716758@MCIMAIL.COM> Subject: IF IT'S... As the academic year winds down, I wonder whether any of you would like to contribute to this collaborative enterprise: IF IT'S... IF IT'S green and wiggles IT'S Biology IT stinks Chemistry YOU can't understand it Math IT doesn't work Physics IT doesn't make sense Economics IT doesn't work and blows up Computer Science YOU can't remember what it is History...History YOU have no idea what it is but are too embarrassed to ask Anthropology IT's intiutively obvious Psychology IT'S intuitively wrong Economics More, please! John Garrett ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 13:01:04 -0400 From: Richard <richard@ERICIR.SYR.EDU> Subject: Lawyers pg13 Q: How are sperm and lawyers alike? A: Only one in a million does the right thing. ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 11:07:02 -0600 From: "Computer Center Ext. 6839" <DION@OJC.COLORADO.EDU> Subject: May be offensive to dwarfs Q: What do you call a 60 lb midget with 30 lb balls? A: Half nuts!!! Q: What is yellow and smells like bananas? A: Monkey vomit!!! ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 13:28:30 EDT From: Wally Veale <WVEALE@UGA.BITNET> Subject: This Joke Rated PG13 Why are policemen's balls bigger than firemen's balls? Because they sell more tickets. ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 13:27:45 +0501 From: William Turner <turner@GIBBS.OIT.UNC.EDU> Subject: Re: IF IT'S... IF IT'S YOU fall asleep music theory Tu no comprendas Spanish you lose all track of time and don't know where you are A Faulkner class you feel your final was judged unfairly because you disagreed with your teacher on political issues. an art class u fale and your teacher ain't tellin you Y an English class ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 11:50:41 CDT From: Dan Hanson <abe2@EDUC.UCALGARY.CA> Subject: bit racist but can be applyed to any one... Two men were in a courtroom and the judge asks the first guy "Do you know this person?" The first guy responds with "Judge you ask me if I know this guy and I will answer you but first I need to tell a little story. One day while I was riding my camel across the desert this man stepped out from behind a sand dune and said "get off the camel." I got of the camel. He than said "Give me your water" I gave him my water, He said "undress" I said "undress?" he said "undress!!" I undressed, he said "shit" I said "shit?" he said "shit!!" I shat (?), next he said "eat it" I said "eat it?" he said EAT IT!!" I ate. I said "look behind you" he looked. I grabbed the guns and I said "get off the camel" he got off, I said "give me your water" he gave it to me. I said "undress" he said "undress?" I said "undress!!" he undressed. I said "shit" he said "shit?" I said "shit!!" he shat. I said "eat it" he said "eat it?" I said "EAT IT!!" he ate. Now Judge you ask me if I know this man and I must say yes I do, we did lunch." I know it is tasteless but I think it is funny... ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 13:00:08 -0600 From: Debby Romero <D_ROMERO@OJC.COLORADO.EDU> Subject: GOLF JOKE JESUS IS OUT PLAYING GOLF AND IS AIMING FOR A HOLE IN ONE. HE SWINGS AND COMES WITHING SIX INCHES OF THE HOLE. THE NEXT GOLFER COMES UP AND SLICES THE BALL TO THE FAR RIGHT WHERE A RABBIT PICKS IT UP AND IS HOPPING ALONG WHEN AN EAGLE SWOOPES DOWN AND DEVOURS THE RABBIT--BALL AND ALL. ON HIS FLIGHT THE EAGLE IS STRUCK BY LIGHTING WHICH SHOOTS THE BALL DIRECTLY INTO THE HOLE FOR A HOLE-IN-ONE. JESUS REPLIES "GEE, DAD, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GET MAD!" ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 15:37:25 -0400 From: Richard <richard@ERICIR.SYR.EDU> Subject: The three great lies There are three great lies, I can remember only two. 1. The check is in the mail. 2. I will respect you in the morning. 3. (Can anyone help with the third???) ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 16:41:56 -0400 From: Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU> Subject: Laws List of Laws Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it; get a larger hammer. Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop. Arnold's Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws. Arthur's Laws of Love: (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. Bagdikian's Observation: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele. Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors. Barach's Rule: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. Baruch's Observation: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend. Boling's postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress. Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look. Boren's Laws: (1) When in charge, ponder. (2) When in trouble, delegate. (3) When in doubt, mumble. Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in. Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?" Brewer's Observation: No good deed goes unpunished. Brook's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions. Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. Chism's Law of Completion: The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. Colvard's Logical Premises: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't. Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to. Conway's Law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what's going on; This person must be fired. Corollaries: 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately. Denniston's Law: Virtue is its own punishment. DeVries's Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper. Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes. Ducharm's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem. Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. Emersons' Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do. Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. Finagle's Second Law: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory. Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. Finster's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline). First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary. First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other. Flon's Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs. Flugg's Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course. Fourth Law of Revision: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you. Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. Fresco's Discovery: If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over. Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 3. The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible. Ginsberg's Theorem: 1. You can't win. 2. You can't break even. 3. You can't even quit the game. Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done. Glyme's Formula for Success: The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly Goldenstern's Rules: 1. Always hire a rich attorney 2. Never buy from a rich salesman. Gordian Maxim: If a string has one end, it has another. Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. Grandpa Charnock's Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. Gray's Law of Programming: `n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as `n' tasks. Green's Law of Debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers. H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can -- do. Those who can't -- teach. Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach -- administrate. Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. Hall's Laws of Politics: (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something fixed. (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend military spending, and conservatives social spending in their own districts). Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. Hanson's Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday. Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined. Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. Hartley's First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something. Hartley's Second Law: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Harvard Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases. Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists. Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it. Hoare's Law of Large Problems: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account. Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case. Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work. Hurewitz's Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to ..... to ........ uh .............. Jacquin's Postulate: No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. Johnson's Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization. Kramer's Law: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, cuz nobody listens. Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: `n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `n' trivial tasks. Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. Mason's First Law of Synergism: The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. Meade's Maxim: Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else. Muir's Law: When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe. Naeser's Law: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof. O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible Oliver's Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand. Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that you are in a hurry. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes. Sausage Principle: People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made. Stewart's law of Retroaction: It's easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission. FIRST LAW OF ADVICE: The correct advice to give is the advice that is desired. FIRST LAW OF COMMUNICATION: The purpose of the communication is to advance the communicator. SECOND LAW OF COMMUNICATION: The information conveyed is less important than the impression. FIRST LAW OF INNOVATION MANAGEMENT: Change is the status quo. SECOND LAW OF INNOVATION MANAGEMENT: Management by objectives is no better than the objectives. THIRD LAW OF INNOVATION MANAGEMENT: A manager cannot tell if he is leading an innovative mob or being chased by it. SECOND LAW OF DECISION MAKING: Any decision is better than no decision. THIRD LAW OF DECISION MAKING: A decision is judged by the conviction with which it is uttered. THIRD LAW OF SURVIVAL: To protect your position, fire the fastest rising employees first. FIFTH LAW OF DECISION MAKING: Decisions are justified by the benefits to the organization, but they are MADE by considering the benefits to the decision-makers. PARALLELS TO MURPHY'S LAW: Anyone else who can be blamed should be blamed. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong faster with computers. Whenever a computer can be blamed, it should be blamed. PUTTS-BROOKS LAW: Adding manpower to a late technology project only makes it later. Paul Dickson's THE OFFICIAL RULES, with its sequel THE OFFICIAL EXPLANATIONS. I quote from "Gilb's Laws of Reliability": (1) Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. (2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. (3) The only difference between a fool and a criminal is that the fool will attack a system unpredictably and on a broader front. (4) A system tends to grow in complexity instead of simplicity, until the resulting unreliability becomes intolerable. (5) Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to their inherent unreliability. (6) The error-detection and -correction capabilities of any system serve as a key to understanding the types of errors it cannot handle. (7) Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are finite. (8) All real programs contain errors until proved otherwise which is impossible. (9) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until somebody insists on getting some useful work done. Augustine's Laws Norman R. Augustine, president and chief operating officer of Martin Marietta has written a book (available in paperback) called "Augustine's Laws"in which he succinctly sums up the pitfalls that confront business managers today. LAW NUMBER I: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin with a silk sow. The same is true of money. LAW NUMBER II: If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would probably be twice as good as yesterday was. LAW NUMBER III: There are no lazy veteran lion hunters. LAW NUMBER IV: If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to. LAW NUMBER V: One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output. Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average output. LAW NUMBER VI: A hungry dog hunts best. A hungrier dog hunts even better. LAW NUMBER VII: Decreased business base increases overhead. So does increased business base. LAW NUMBER VIII: The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator is fifth grade arithmetic. LAW NUMBER IX: Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent possible to make trivial ideas profound...........Q.E.D. LAW NUMBER X: Bulls do not win bull fights; people do. People do not win people fights; lawyers do. LAW NUMBER XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. LAW NUMBER XII: It costs a lot to build bad products. LAW NUMBER XIII: There are many highly successful businesses in the United States. There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to intermingle the two. LAW NUMBER XIV: After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent of every airplane's weight. LAW NUMBER XV: The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost and two-thirds of the problems. LAW NUMBER XVI: In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be made available to the Marines for the extra day. LAW NUMBER XVII: Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics;i.e., it always increases. LAW NUMBER XVIII: It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of ten degradation accomplished. LAW NUMBER XIX: Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them. LAW NUMBER XX: In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding approved the prior yearplus three-fourths of whatever change the administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax. LAW NUMBER XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. LAW NUMBER XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. LAW NUMBER XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently estimated. LAW NUMBER XXIV: The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most costly action known to man. LAW NUMBER XXV: A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete or a new canvas to an artist. LAW NUMBER XXVI: If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. LAW NUMBER XXVII: Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. LAW NUMBER XXVIII: It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee. LAW NUMBER XXIX: Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results hang on about half a decade. LAW NUMBER XXX: By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers, the people doing the work have lost track of the questions. LAW NUMBER XXXI: The optimum committee has no members. LAW NUMBER XXXII: Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold. LAW NUMBER XXXIII: Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread. LAW NUMBER XXXIV: The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed randomly. LAW NUMBER XXXV: The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion, the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give the data authenticity. LAW NUMBER XXXVI: The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea. LAW NUMBER XXXVII: Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect. The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much. LAW NUMBER XXXVIII: The early bird gets the worm. The early worm....gets eaten. LAW NUMBER XXXIX: Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of the year -- in either direction. LAW NUMBER XL: Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off. LAW NUMBER XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets. LAW NUMBER XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. LAW NUMBER XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least. LAW NUMBER XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics. LAW NUMBER XLV: One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the unexpected should have been expected. LAW NUMBER XLVI: A billion saved is a billion earned. LAW NUMBER XLVII: Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other third is covered with auditors from headquarters. LAW NUMBER XLVIII: The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about. Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing. LAW NUMBER XLIX: Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds. LAW NUMBER L: The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times as long as the official's who created it. LAW NUMBER LI: By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more government workers than there are workers. LAW NUMBER LII: People working in the private sector should try to save money. There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again. More of Murphy's Laws * A clean tie attracts the soup of the day. * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. * A free agent is anything but. * As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline rencounters turbulence. * Exceptions always outnumber rules. * Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget. * Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. * He who hesitates is probably right. * If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. * If enough data is collected, anyghing may be proven by statistical methods. * If it says "one size fits all," it dosen't fit anyone. * If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable. * If somthing is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine. * Interchangable parts won't. * Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. * Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent. * Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price. * Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. * No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. * No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind. * No one is listening until you make a mistake. * One child is not enough, but two children are far too many. * People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made. * Progress is made on alternative Fridays. * Quality assurance dosen't. * Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. * The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs. * The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow. * The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. * The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the butter. * The hidden flaw never remains hidden. * The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled. * The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish. * The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs. * The one item you want is never the one on sale. * The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. * The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys. * The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want. * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research * To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. * Trust everybody ... then cut the cards. * Two wrongs are only the beginning. * When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible. * When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight. * When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight. * Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence. * You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. * You never want the one you can afford. ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 16:43:37 -0400 From: Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU> Subject: ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES 1 "We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account number and we'll get back to, pending credit approval." 2 "You have reached the <city>,<state> Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missle Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of targets and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day." 3 "Hello. This is Chris. John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can." 4 [imitating Ensign Chekov] "Oh, sair...it was *Khan*! He made us say things...do things...he kept us from answering the phone! But Keptin was strong, and if you leave your name and number, Keptin will get back to you as soon as he can!" <BEEP> 5 [imitating Mr. Rogers] "Hello. I'm in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure...I knew you could." <BEEP> 6 Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if... Matt: Steve, what are you doing? Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here. Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn. Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn. Matt: No, you're incorrect. It's definitely my turn. Steve: You fool. I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing with that frying pan?!? BONK [really loud thud] Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number. 7 "Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?" 8 "This is (#include phone.addr). We are not ... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of window breaking) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later." 9 "Finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......" 10 A friend of mine at school has this message, read by three people while the STAR TREK theme plays in the background. 1: Room 17, the final frontier. 2: These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its 2 semester mission: to seek out your name and your telepohne number. 3: To boldly inform you to wait for the tone. 11 (Annoying flute music in background) Good day, Jim. Your contact, [insert name], is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim. 12 "Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name ...", etc. 13 "Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer." 14 In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music <In a soft voice> Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial a confession. At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short confession I will get back to you with your pennance. Thank you and may God go with you. <Beep> 15 Hi this is <name>. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back. 16 A friend was at a mutal friend's sister's house, and when she went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravely, horror-film voice he recorded, "HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW. IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING BETTER." 17 I worked for a bit in the coastguard in Wales and I used to send weather reports to other bases, using a sort of antique FAX machine. I would call first on a special telephone and then send the data. They used to answer the phone with: " Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking." " Hartland home for lost whores." (that was Hartland CG) " Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?" " Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct: T minus one minute and counting" And then there was one phone we didn't use, with a number one off that of the local take-out. With my, non-British, accent I had some great fun with that phone. - "Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?" (silence...click) "Vancouver coastguard, may I help you." British long distance rates are phenomenonal and I had this poor dude sputtering with horror that he had managed to make a long distance call by dialing five digits. 18 ---------------------------------------------------- This is one of my old ones that got a lot of laughs: <Phone Rings> Noisy pick-up of phone Uh...<wisperingly> Hello? Hi, I 'm a burgular and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll..uh, I'll post it on the 'frige where he'll see it. Uh.. by the way, where did you say you live? 19---------------------------------------------------- But right now I'm using "This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway." because I'm sick of people ringing the phone at 10am just so they can hear the clever messages I usually have, and then hanging up without even leaving a "like your message" message. Feh! 20---------------------------------------------------- [Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you. 21---------------------------------------------------- This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is supercilious ...} 22---------------------------------------------------- Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast. 23---------------------------------------------------- Also, on the subject of answering machins, my favorite tape was: "This is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message." Really confused people. 24---------------------------------------------------- A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.. 25------------------------------------------------ -Hello. I can't come to the phone now because--HEY, GEORGE! DON'T STAND ON THAT--goddam. ...because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over<loud music cuts in>...BARBARA! HEY! DON'T FUCK WITH THAT!...over for dinner. After the tone...BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG...MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! ...shit...Leave a message after the tone...HEY, FUCKHEAD...<beep> 26------------------------------------------------ Hello. Lindsey's not home now--this is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible. 27_________________________________________________ My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. 28------------------------------------------------ Ring, Ring: The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed, the new number is xxx-xxxx (again, your number). CULATA! 29------------------------------------------------ "Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! (your name here) can't come to the phone right now, because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera..." 30------------------------------------------------ One day I had a borrowed Casio sampler toy and used it to create a rather interesting one: Hello. You have reached Tooooommmmmm Tom Tm! Tom and MaMaMaMarMMMMaark's room. Tom is studying ssttuuddyyiinngg sssssssssssss and MaMark isn'isn'isn'isn't here. isn't here. P-P-Pleas! leave a messssssssage. Goodbye. 'bye! bye!bbyebybyyeyeyebbye {byes repeating at all different pitches} 31------------------------------------------------ Last year my roommate had a machine but he hated to make the outgoing message. Stage fright, I guess. So I usually made them. One that we usually used during exam time was: {background music: Billy Joel's _Pressure_ very loud} Hello. You have reached Tom and Mark's room. We're a little busy now... { BJ screams PRESSURE!!! } So, leave a message and we'll get back to you someday after (exam end date) { BJ: ONE TWO THREE FOUR PRESSURE!!! followed by a very out-of-tune BEEP! } 32------------------------------------------------ My favorite message that I ever had was the *real* message I recorded off 1-800-CALL-SPY, the U.S. army snitching network. Try it, its a great recording (call after 5 pm for the message). [Give it try! -pZ] 33------------------------------------------------ -<Ring> In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans. <Husky, Soft female voice is best> Hi,... You've just reached {name} pleasure palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell but when we're done... we'll get back to you in whatever way we can. <Beep> You wouldn't believe how much explaining my mother wanted on that one... 34------------------------------------------------ [b.g. music is frantic, violin oriented] "hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. please leave a message..." etc. 35------------------------------------------------ [the quiet, eerie vocal part of 'hello, earth' by kate bush] (after about 30 seconds): "hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. We can't come to the phone right now because we're at vespers. Please leave a message..." etc. (30 more seconds of music before the beep.) 36------------------------------------------------ (Spoken in a granny voice) "Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot." Must be spoken in a drawl. 37------------------------------------------------ Well, this isn't strictly from an answering machine, but... >From Calvin and Hobbes: (phone rings) (you answer) Hello, this is <...> speaking. I'd like a large pizza with extra anchovies. (other person) What? (you reply) Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number. (hang up) Make everyone's day a little more surreal. 39------------------------------------------------ "I'm home right now . . . I'm just screening my calls. So just start talking and if you're someone I want to speak to I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say? 40------------------------------------------------ In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. [sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex] But this method doesn't work with a telephone call...-[sound effect: dial tone] Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE! 41------------------------------------------------ "Hi, you have reached .... Please leave your name, phone number and a message and if we like it we will return your call". 42------------------------------------------------ However, the most effective one I have had so far can be used only one day per year: "This is David. I'm not using the phone over Yom Kippur, so please leave a message or call back after the holiday." No one wants to admit not having realized it was Yom Kippur or not knowing I would pick one holiday from the whole calendar on which to get observant, so everyone hangs up and leaves me no bad news or requests for favors. 43------------------------------------------------ "This is David. Talk." 44------------------------------------------------ "Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one." 45------------------------------------------------ [with a kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra" in the background...] "Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached..." [YA-DAAAAAAAAA!] "...the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can." 46------------------------------------------------ "Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss. If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number..." 47------------------------------------------------ "Hello?" <pause for a few seconds> "Sorry, he's not here right now, but if you leave a message, he'll get back to you." 48------------------------------------------------ (woman taped off a "phone sex" service) WOMAN : (seductively) Hi. I'm Linda. You know, it can be really lonely when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to ... YOU : (interupting) Oh cmon, Linda, give me the damn phone..(then ask for a message) 49------------------------------------------------ Just after the earthquake a friend of mine put on his answering machine: "Hi, this is Jeff. We can't get to the phone right now because we were killed in the Earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually." BEEP My favorite post quake message: "Hi, we're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got." 50------------------------------------------------ "Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner." 51------------------------------------------------ Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!... uh huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I'll call you back. (this ran for a while until a friend threatened to kill us after she said she had a 2 minute conversation with the machine.) 52------------------------------------------------ "Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges." 53------------------------------------------------ "Speak, worm!" <beep> Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice. 54------------------------------------------------ "You know what to do at the tone." <beep> 55------------------------------------------------ "Hello?" <beep> This confuses anyone who doesn't know you. 56------------------------------------------------ "Hello, I'm not here." <beep> A friend of mine used this one last summer. I always answered it with "Okay, that's all I wanted to know." 57------------------------------------------------ Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John (Chris's boyfriend), Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the .... pope. Yeah that's it. <beep> 58------------------------------------------------ (in an Italian mafia-style tone:) "Hello. I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... <aside> HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, _you'll_hear_ from_Guido! ( a little laughter )... " 59------------------------------------------------ (To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate instrumental accompaniment) I just left home baby I'll be out fer a spell and if you don't leave a message baby you can go to <BEEP> 60------------------------------------------------ Hello, this is <insert your name here>. I'm home right now, and in a few moments, I'll have a decision to make. BEEEP! 61------------------------------------------------ [Theme from "Indiana Jones" in the background.] You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you. [Theme from "Indiana Jones" continues until the beep.] 62------------------------------------------------ Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. 63------------------------------------------------ One of my favorites had this very exciting scary music, along with a kitten crying in the background, and the voice goes: The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS.... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP 64------------------------------------------------ FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES...... ~~~ 65------------------------------------------------ Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... bear a... er... shalt not witness thy... uh... neighbor's ass, oh, I mean, false... er... shalt not commit a bear... dern... 66------------------------------------------------ How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... -67------------------------------------------------ I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing. 68------------------------------------------------ I can't come to the phone now, so... hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you... 69------------------------------------------------ Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...! 70------------------------------------------------ After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding. 71------------------------------------------------ Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... 72------------------------------------------------ As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... the telephone is next to an answering machine... you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... you hear a beep... 73------------------------------------------------ You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. 74------------------------------------------------ No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! 75------------------------------------------------ This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test. 76------------------------------------------------ Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72... -77------------------------------------------------ [Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"] Leave a message... leave a message... etc. 78------------------------------------------------ Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible. 79------------------------------------------------ [For Shakespeare lovers only] So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee. 80------------------------------------------------ [VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that. 81------------------------------------------------ I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message. 82------------------------------------------------ Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail! 83------------------------------------------------ Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry. 84------------------------------------------------ C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go! 85------------------------------------------------ I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks. 86------------------------------------------------ I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you. 87------------------------------------------------ Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible. 88------------------------------------------------ Ok, One more time... This is our answering machine... This is the message on our answering machine... ...Any questions? 89------------------------------------------------ Hi, can I speak to Mark?...Oh, there isn't?...I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number. 90------------------------------------------------ <beep, beep, beep> The number you have reached, Seven. Six. Seven. One. Two. Three. Four. [Use your number here.] has not been disconnected and is still in service. Please leave a message at the sound of the tone. 91------------------------------------------------ HANS: This is Hans FRANZ: And this is Franz, and we just want to... BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up HANS: But we are not at home, you know FRANZ: Ya, we are gone HANS: If you want us to... BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up HANS: You will leave a message after the beep FRANZ: If you don't leave a message, then you are Girlyman. HANS: Ya, Girlyman. And we don't talk to Girlyman, you know FRANZ: So leave a message and we will call to.. BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up 92------------------------------------------------ "Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY -- Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So . . . leave your name and number and tell us where *YOU* saw Elvis!" 93------------------------------------------------ "Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line where you can talk to me, Bren. I'll tell you all about how I'm suffering in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby of being a power forward for the Portland Trailblazers. I'll tell my deepest secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by short blonde sorority girls wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide whether or not I'm wearing pants. Selected callers will get to talk to me live. Since you're not one of them, leave your own personal secret at the beep. " 94------------------------------------------------ In a vaguely phoneco-operator voice: "I'm sorry, you have reached an imaginary number. Would you please rotate your telephone by ninety degrees and try your call again." A few people even got the joke... 95------------------------------------------------ "You have just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-important." 96------------------------------------------------ "Sherwood forest, which dear do you want?" "Lucifer speaking, who in the hell do you want?" "Heaven, God speaking." "Bridge, Kirk here." "City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em; You stab 'em, we slab 'em!" 97------------------------------------------------ "Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell." 98------------------------------------------------ "I've set up my answering machine so that when anyone calls, they here a busy signal." 99------------------------------------------------ If you are a burgler, then we are probably at home but can't come to the phone right now. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home. 100------------------------------------------------ The number you've dialed is purely imaginary, multiply by i and dial again! -101------------------------------------------------ This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when. 102------------------------------------------------ " I'm Morley Safer." "I'm Harry Reasoner." "I'm ........ "And I'm" <the guy whose answering machine it was> " We're not home; leave a message." He had taped the audio of the beginning of 60 minutes; it sounded very funny. 103------------------------------------------------ "Greetings. You've reached Ghengis Khan's Pornographic Films Unlimited. Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screen tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late John Holmes in our upcoming feature film "It's Not the Size That Counts but Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It." If you're interested in a screen test, or even if you're not, please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip. Thank you for calling." 104------------------------------------------------ Another one I've done more than once is to slowly increase the pitch and speed of my voice while recording the message to make it sound like the machine is broken: (start, low pitch, slow) "Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy.... (middle, normal) ..home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark and Mike. Nobody's home... (later, high pitch, fast) ..butifyou'dliketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen... (end, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish) ..kkfjdkeirucjkljfkldjrioutjkjfdskoreudjfkleqBEEP!" 105------------------------------------------------ This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. 106------------------------------------------------ "E'llo." "My name is Inigo Montonya." "You killed my father." "Leave your name and number, and prepare to die." - <beep> 107------------------------------------------------ My favorite that I have heard as an answering machine message is also from this movie. My friend recorded the section that goes something like: "I'm writing the definative work on pain, and I would like you to tell me how the machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity." 108------------------------------------------------ The message I currently have on my recorder is the output from my Amiga's speech sythesizer. It's set up as a dialog between two distinct, but recognizably artificial voices. I thought it sort of mediocre myself, but have gotten quite a number of amused comments about it. ----- 1> Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now. 2> Yeah, nobody but us machines! 1> Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number... 2> ...and a message! You forgot about the message! 1> Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back. 2> ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug! 109------------------------------------------------ I taped theoperator saying "we're sorry. The number you have reached has been disconnected or is no longer is service..." 109------------------------------------------------ From Halloween this year: (Ominous electronic background music.) Hi, this is Jim. In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Oh, unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by? SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII... 110------------------------------------------------ (French monologue in the background) Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non". 111------------------------------------------------ Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone... 112------------------------------------------------ Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge. 113------------------------------------------------ (click) "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of _your_ voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation, however our staff of professional extortionists will be contacting you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you." (BEEEEEEEEEEEP) 114------------------------------------------- Message: Hi this is Craig's car phone. Craig's at home now, so you can try calling him there or leave a message after the beep. Caller's message: Hmmm. Car phone!?! I'll call back later when your out. 115------------------------------------ Every now and then we are all pestered by these high-tech telemarketing companies where the sales pitch is usually disguised as a survey of some kind. The despicable thing about these things is that they won't leave you alone. If you hang up, they will just call back again. One day my wife got a call from one of these computer systems, and her answering machine answered. The conversation that followed was hilarious, as it consisted of two machines talking to each other without having the slightest idea about what each other was saying. The conversation wound up in an endless loop, as follows: [PHONE] *RING* [ANSWERING MACHINE] "...At the tone, please give your message. BEEEEEP." [PHONE] "Hello. This is [company_name], and we are taking a telephone survey ... when I ask a question, wait for the beep, then please speak plainly. I will repeat your answer back to you, and verify it. -First, what is your phone number? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." (The answering machine, upon hearing the beep, got confused and thought it was a play-back command, and generated another beep in response.) [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [PHONE] "Thank you! Your phone number was 443-28347-47756-377764-22222. Is that correct? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any children? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [PHONE] Thank you! What is the age of your first child? BEEEEEEEEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [PHONE] "Your first child is 1,222 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [--------------- BEGIN ENDLESS LOOP ----------------] [PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any more children? BEEEEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [PHONE] "Thank you! What is this child's age? BEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [PHONE] "This child is 4,233 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [---------------------END LOOP -----------------------] My wife, upon noticing that the answering machine had been going for over half an hour, turned up the volume to find out what was going on. When she discovered this endless loop (by now she had over 200 children, all over 1,000 years old), she switched off the answering machine. The computer never called again. 115---------------------------------------------------- I had a friend who liked to play with the phones. He got his girlfriend to sound like an operator and make a tape saying: "I'm sorry, the number that has dialed you is not in service. Will you please hang up and let it dial again...<crackle> I'm sorry, the..." He had a lot of fun calling people up and playing it. -116---------------------------------------------------- I once answered the phone as follows. " San Luis Obispo Police, Sergeant McCallahan here, may I help you?" After about five seconds of dead air, I heard a click. About five minutes later, the phone rang again. This time my roomate answered. It was the same person that had called a few minutes earlier. It turned out that the long delay between calls was due to the fact that he had to mooch a quarter for his next call. He was at a public phone booth and had used his last quarter to call us. I don't think he talked civil to me for a week... 117---------------------------------------------------- My grandmother had been bothered by calls coming in after midnight, waking her, and forcing her out of bed and across the house to answer. Invariably, they were from the same man, seemingly slightly intoxicated, with bar-crowd noises in the background. He wanted to speak to Peggy, whoever that was, and my grand mother would tell him there was no Peggy living there, and that he must have the wrong number. But he wouldn't believe her, and kept insisting, begging, pleading, etc. to talk to Peggy. My Grandmother would have to just hang up finally. This went on for a few days, and late one night, when the phone rang, my Grandfather held back his wife, and said, "I'll take care of this", and got out of bed to answer the phone. The ensuing conversation was short and quick, and went something like this: "Hello?" "Hello, Can I speak to Peggy?" "No, I'm sorry, she can't come to the phone right now-- she's nursing the baby." 118---------------------------------------------------- Here's my favorite, for calling large offices and idiots-in-general: "Hello, is this the person to whom I am speaking?" 119---------------------------------------------------- My solution is upon realizing that I'm talking with a "telemarketing representative", I ask: "Are you a telemarketer?" The answer (suprisingly) is usually yes. I then go into a sales pitch to sell a (nonexistant) telephone ear-cusion. I insist that every telemarketer must have one for safety and comfort. Eventually, they'll forget to try selling me anything. 120---------------------------------------------------- A recent posting by Duke McMullan requested ways to repel telephone solicitors. My friend Pepe Tres from Texas told me this one and gave permission to post it: "My time is billed at $125 per hour. To continue this conversation, I must have your MasterCard or Visa number, card type and date of expiration." Pepe says it usually leaves them speechless. One guy replied, "Hey, that's good; I'll have to remember it." Once a supervisor of telephone solicitors called back and asked him if he was "some kind of high-powered lawyer." 121---------------------------------------------------- Everybody gets and dials wrong numbers. It's good to be nice about it. What goes around comes around, right? so, I try to reassure the apologetic and embarrassed wrong dialers that will actually converse once the error is discovered, with it going something like this: caller w. wrong number: "Gee, I'm sorry..." me: "That's OK, I was going to pick up the phone anyway.." 122---------------------------------------------------- How about the 'Fraudian Slip Answer'? Like this: <Whoever> here. What can I do to-----I MEAN-----FOR you? 123---------------------------------------------------- Try the following next time the phone rings: You (when you answer): Hello, is Jimmy there? Caller: No, I'm afraid you have a wrong number. You: Oh. Sorry. Caller: No problem... (click) 124---------------------------------------------------- (Use a strong east Indian accent) Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of (...). I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align properly. Oooooommmmmmmmmmmmm... 125 (heavy panting and breathing in the background), Oh! Sorry, I can't come (Oh! Yes! Do it to me) to the (Oh!) phone right now (pant pant), leave your name and number at the (scream) (I'm gonna come!!!!!) orgasm. 126 (1) "Hello, this is Ron. (pause) Hello? Hello!!? Nah, just kidding. This is an answering machine. (etc.)" 127 (2) "Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil." (background noise - open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) "OK, what would you like me to tell me?" 128 Also, something you might do after you've had the machine for a few months is start answering in person with "Hello, this is a live voice." (Variation on a theme by "The Cosby Show".) Or you could try answering your own phone with "Hello, is Ron there?" 129 I actually did this once when a call came in at an inopportune moment: I picked up the phone, said "Hi, this is Chris. I can't come to the phone right now, so please leave a message after the tone. -EEEEE-" -- that last being a tone-like sound - and the caller proceeded to leave name, phone number, and message, and hang up. I went back to what I'd been doing. 130 Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back. 131 Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...! 132 Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the persona and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike. 133 The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password. 134 We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again. 135 Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it... 136 Hi! You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the Nineties. You know what to do. 137 I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person. 138 Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've got to get him to the bathroom. Uh-oh! (Sound of a paper bag exploding.) 139 (After a power outage:) Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave a message. 140 Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you. 141 Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air. 142 Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done.... (Cachunk!) 143 You've reached the S&M hotline. All our operators are tied up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you with your penance. 144 Thank you for calling Robert's House of Love. All of our customer service representatives are, er... busy servicing customers, so at the sound of the erotic tone, leave your name, number, and a short description of whatever turns you on... 145 You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... 146 Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles' secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely. 147 These words are lovely dark and deep - But I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep. 148 Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape. 149 Dial some number at random. Ask: "May I speak to Kevin? Oh, wrong number? Could you please tell him that his pizza is ready?". Hang up. Dial the same number again 15 minutes later. In a different voice: "May I speak to Kevin? Oh, wrong number? Could you please tell him that John called?". Hang up. Repeat 10 times. On the eleventh: "Hi, this is Kevin. Did I get any messages?" 150 Dial a number. "Hello, this is your local telephone station speaking. We are sorry to tell you but we are having a terrible fire here at the station. The fire cannot be controlled, it is spreading over telephone cables and will reach your house in 5 minutes. So, if you don't want to burn down your house, hurry up and take your telephone receiver and throw it into a bucket of cold water!" Sometimes it works, and people do throw their receivers into water. It is especially amusing to play this joke on the people whom you intend to visit later in the day. That way you can come and inspect the damage. 151 "Hello, this is your local Zoo speaking. Do you like animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower?" The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbour's bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle elephants." 152 When you knock on somebody's door and they ask "Who is there?", a good reply is "And who is THERE?" 153 Hello, this is Lee Iacoca. Today we are soliciting money for the United Negro College Fund, because a mind is a terrible thing... and they should be stopped before they hurt somebody. So please leave your credit card number after the beep. Thank you for your help. 154 I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine, maybe its a dream or maybe its an illusion and you don't really exist. One way to find out, leave a message and if its reality I will call you back. ----------------------------------------------- 14 HUMOR015 ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 16:44:08 -0400 From: Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU> Subject: job interview questions I was on the interviewer side of a job interview for the first time a few days ago, and in preparation I asked many people for help and advice. I received a set of sample questions from a best friend in a previous life. All credit or blame for the following truly belong to Brian R. Smith (brsmith@cs.umn.edu), and is reproduced here by permission: "How do you work in a team situation when all the other team members are fools and idiots?" "How well do you program under the influence of hard drugs?" "Have you ever beaten or killed a co-worker?" "Give me a rough estimate of the maximum dollar amount that you've stolen from each of your previous employers." "Do you object to bullwhips in the workplace?" "Emacs or vi?" "You have a large network of Suns being used by secretaries for word processing in FrameMaker. Which GNU packages would you install for your own entertainment, and how would you justify them later?" "You see a wounded puppy bleeding and whimpering on the side of the road while you're running to work to fix a downed computer that tens of users are waiting for. Do you let the puppy die?" "Why not?" "How much of your workday would you waste by reading news?" "Recite the GNU Manifesto." "How many clients (30% diskless, 60% dataless, 10% /var/spool/mail only) can a Sun 600MP server serve simultaneously, and what relation does this have to angels and pinheads?" ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 16:48:21 -0400 From: Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU> Subject: SORORITY GIRL JOKES (R) THE CANONICAL LIST OF SORORITY GIRL JOKES -------------------------------------------------------------------------- What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive? Her ankles. What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball? You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball. You could eat a bowling ball if you had to. You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball. How are a sorority girl and a bowling ball alike? You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they always come back for more. What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers ? Sorority girls cost less per score. What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant? About 40 lbs. How do you equalize the two? Feed the elephant. What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning? Introduce herself. Walks home. What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic? Only 1500 went down on the Titanic. How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm? She drops her nail file. What's a sorority girl's favorite wine? "Daaadddy, I want to go to mi-ammmmi." What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape? Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do... Why is a sorority girl like a door knob? 'Cause everyone gets a turn. How do you get a sorority girl in your bed? Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a twinkie on the bed. Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll? You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand. What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage? Garbage gets taken out once a week. What do you call 100 sorority girls sun-bathing on a beach in Cuba? Bay of Pigs. What do you call a sorority girl hang-glider festival? Multiple total eclipses. What is a sorority girl's mating call... "I'm soooo drunk, I'm sooooo drunk!" What is the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet? After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days. What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl?? Nothing. There are some things a sorority girl won't do. I don't know, but it sure enjoys screwing people. I don't know, but when it sucks your cock, it does't stop until it gets blood. 1) Tri Delts; I'm sure everyone else has. 2) If your date won't, Tri Delts. 3) Once you've tried everyone else, Tri Delts. and 2) __________ __________ \ / /\ \ / \ / / \ \ / \ / / \ \ / \ / / \ \ / \/ /________\ \/ Tri Delts: Two out of three go down. What do fraternity boys call hemorrhoids ? Speed bumps. What's the difference between a sorority girl and a dog ? Drivers will swerve to miss the dog. How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daaaaddy. 7, one to change it and six to go out and buy Tab (or diet Coke). 65, 1 to do it and 64 to sing and clap. One. She holds on to it and the world revolves around her. Six. One to screw it in and five to make the T-shirts. Ten. Nine to stand around scratching their heads, and one to get her boyfriend to do it. Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks? She's been laid all over the country. What three words will a sorority girl never hear? "Attention K-mart shoppers" Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex? So she can fantasize about shopping. What is a sorority girl's favorite sexual position? Facing Bloomingdale's. What's the difference between Jell-o and a sorority girl? Jell-o wiggles when you eat it. What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed? The Dead Sea (Lake Placid is also OK). How can you tell if a sorority girl's a nymphomaniac? She'll make love the same day she has her hair done. What's a sorority girl's idea of natural childbirth? No makeup. What's the difference between a sorority girl and a barracuda? Nail polish. How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex? Marry her. Whats the difference between a sorority girl and a broom closet? Only 2 men fit inside a broom closet at once What's the difference between a telephone booth and a sorority girl? You don't need a quarter for the sorority girl. What's the difference between a sorority and a circus? A circus is a cunning array of stunts. What's the difference between a sorority girl and garbage? Garbage smells better. Sorority girl attract more flies. What' the difference between a sorority girl and a vacuum cleaner? Nothing. They both suck. You can buy a new vacuum when you get sick of it. You can buy a new vacuum when it no longer sucks. When a vacuum cleaner is full of sh*t, its easy to dump the old bag. A vacuum cleaner can't suck a golf ball through a garden hose. How do you get four sorority girls on one chair? Tell them there's a rich guy sitting on it. Turn the chair upside down and put one sorority girl on each leg. What's the difference between a tribe of sly pygmies and a sorority girl track team? The tribe of sly pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts. What is the difference between a sorority girl and a rooster? In the morning a rooster says "cock-a-doodle-doo", while a sorority girl says "any-cock'll-do" What do you call 24 sorority girls walking down the street? A case of Schlitz. What's the difference between a sorority girl and parsely? You don't eat parsely. Why are a sorority girl and a tampon similar? They are both stuck up cunts. What does a frat boy say to a girl that refuses him? "Have another beer." ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 16:47:04 -0400 From: Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU> Subject: Pickup lines (PG-13/R) That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed... Do you want to see something swell? Hey babe....do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi? Drop 'em. What do you like for breakfast? Is that a double ended dilldo or are you just glad to see me? Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? Hi there! I'm interested in having breakfast with you. Can I call you or nudge you? Excuse me. Do you wanna f**k or should I apologize? Irish : Have you got a little Irish in you? She: Uh...no.... Irish: Well, do you want some? Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you? Say, didn't we go to different schools together? Wanna fuck like bunnies? Why don't you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? I had a friend who used to hand out calling cards which said: Smile if you want to sleep with me then watch the victim try to hold back her smile... Hi, my name's Ron, how do you like me so far? Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us --------- I had a friend give a card that on the front: 1 2 3 4 Pick a number and then on the back of the card it read: Sex maniacs always pick 3 you wouldn't believe how many women pick 3. It was a great card. --------- You smell wet. Let's Party. Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? Would you like to dance, or should I go fuck myself again? Hey baby, let's go make some babies. At the office copy machine: Reproducing eh? Can I help? Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa? ----------- From: MAD Magazine: Classic Flops Spring 1986. 9 Very Unsuccessful Pick-up Lines: --------------------------------- 1. "Would you like to see my boa constrictor?" 2. "Is that a false nose?" 3. "You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno." 4. "I'm drunk." 5. "Hi, my friends call me Creepy." 6. "Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?" 7. "I just threw up." 8. "You're ugly but you intrigue me." 9. "I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed like that." ------------ Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick. You look more beautiful than Nurse Chapel Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in? I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW! Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud' and say: Hey charlie, see anyone here you recognize? I require a tissue sample. May i sever a little-used portion of your body? (brandish forceps) Hey, wanna see my R2-D2 impersonation? (Think about it...) Hey baby...infect me! Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a bumper?!? Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a trailer hitch? Hey baby...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose? Hey baby...can you suck start a Harley? Motion your finger to a girl to get her to come your way. When she arrives say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would c*m." Hey babe, how about a pizza and a f**k? What's the matter, don't like pizza? I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting... Let's meet sometime... I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good. --------- The front reads: +------------------------------------+ |No Phone No Business| | | | | | | | | | | | No Name | | | | | | | | | |No Address No Money| +------------------------------------+ And the back reads: +------------------------------------+ | I'M A SILENT SEDUCER | | | |Any chance to crawl in the sack with| |you tonight? | |If so, just keep the card: If not, | |kindly return it because they are | |expensive. | | | |I'm not as good as I once was. | |But I'm good once as I ever was! | | | |P.S. You don't have to say yes | | Just Smile!| +------------------------------------+ ------------- She (to passing man): Excuse me, do you have the time? He: Do you have the energy? What is your favorite position on extramarital sex? Hey babe, Wanna get LUCKY!!!!!! "Say mother! Want another?" (if she has children) Suck my dick or I'll blow your fucking head off. [requires a gun] No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks? Will you marry me and have my children? [unfortunate side-effects: beware!] If you ever want to see your children again, you'll do what I want. You're hitchhiking across the Mojave Desert? Alone? I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look ravishing in black, did you know that? What you need now is a nice backrub. Are the straps too tight, darling? How tragic. How very, very tragic. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart. Bond. James Bond. Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes. It's absolutely pure Bolivian. And I don't *give* it away. Nothing I can say will ease of the loss of your daughter, but rest assured that the Morgenstern Funeral Home will do everything possible to bring you peace of mind in this harrowing time. Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked me to pick you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress. You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it. Excuse me, do you live around here often? Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home together? Would you like to see a baby picture of me? (Shows the girl the picture of a baby better endowed that most men.) Hello, Love, - Do you spit or swallow? You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book... So what's one more?? Hey babe -- did you know I'm on the Harvard Mailing List? Your place, or mine? What's your sign? Nice shoes. Wanna f*ck? Would you like to have morning coffee with me? Excuse me, do you wanna spoon or should I apologize? You have the ass of a great artist. FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS: 1: MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE IN THE FRONT OF THE PERSON WHO YOU'RE TRYING TO ATTRACT. 2: PUT YOUR HANDS IN A VERTICAL PLANE AND SEPERATE YOUR HANDS TO THE PROPER DISTANCE YOU WANT TO GET ACROSS 3: LOOK AT THE PERSON OF YOUR AFFECTIONS AND WITH A SHIT EATING-EAR TO EAR GRIN SHAKE YOUR HEAD UP AND DOWN AS TO REPLY THAT YOU'RE THIS BIG! There's the old classic from the movie Fletch: (to girl in towel): Excuse me, could I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo. Your face or Mine?? Her: What do you think of this (dress, sweater, article of clothing)? Him: I like nothing better. The best pickup line I witnessed was a friend of mine who walked up to a young lady in a club and asked "Are you ready to go home now?". They left together. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. That's a nice dress - could I talk you out of it? If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold _IT_ against me? When asked for a match: How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs? Take off that dress and fuck my brains out you cave newt. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them? I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist. Let's take a shower together --you smell. I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade Kiss me you fool, fuck me you harlot. I've got an itch, honey. Lower. lower. in. out. If I was Elvis, would you screw me? I want to thank you for [insert any event here], Grab your ankles bitch! Wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your weight. If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me. Want to see my stamp collection? Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy. I wanna floss with your pubic hair. I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler? I'd look good on you. Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you knew... At the dinner table, (if you eat together) pickup the bread and say, "Wanna roll?" Excuse me, have I fu**ed you yet? I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I've got more of something else. Ever tried those wierd prickly condoms?" (sure to get responses) Funny you should mention that, I was a gynecologist once. Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts) Ya' know, that outfit would look great on my bedroom floor..... "Actually, Ma'am, Ah'm not as tall as you think. Ah'm from Taixus, and Ah'm sittin' on mah wallet." Hey! Ya wanna try out my new 'Home Artificial Insemination Kit?' I would kill or die to make love to you. I would die happy if I saw you naked just once. I am writing a new algorithm, and I need some test data. What are your measurements? I have some hard code I want to try your compiler on. Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines 10. "I'm down here" 9. "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy" 8. "I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi" 7. "I can get you off the naughty list" 6. "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys" 5. "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra." 4. "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler" 3. "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man" 2. "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig" 1. "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners" -- Late Night with David Letterman, from Michael Wertheim Sometimes it can be helpful to start with a complement. eg. after "accidently" bumping her boobs, noticing a loose button, etc. say "If they weren't sooo large it wouldn't have happened" Sex is a killer ... so die happy! I love every bone in your body - especially mine "Hey... somebody farted. Let's get out of here." "Say, Didn't we go to different high schools at the same time?" The most common pick-up line used in a gay bar: "May I push in your stool?" I have only three months to live (heard it in a movie ... of course, this was all before AIDS) Chicks dig me; I wear colored underwear. Excuse me, is it true that you're a sexual tyrannosaurus? I'm a copilot for American Airlines. Hi, I make more money than you can spend. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed. Excuse me... do you have change for a $100 bill? Hi! Can I buy you a Car? NOW, B*TCH! Fancy a fuck? My face is leaving in 15 minutes. Be on it. -------------- Lines by women: -- Please may I rest my head on your shoulder? -- Do you know how to use this? [a vibrator] -- How about a night of passion in Doncaster? ----------- He: "What was that?" She: "What was what?" He: "That sound." She: "I didn't hear anything." He: "It was the sound of my heart breaking." --------- There's always Harlan Ellison's great failure: Q: Wha'dya say to a little fuck? A: Go away, little fuck. ----------- How about the best response to an unwanted pickup? Man: So what do you do for a living? Woman: Female impersonator. ---------- You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across..... -----------end of list------------- Female to guy: Hi, you look like a real wanker. (pause for effect) Want a break tonight? The guys usually spend so much time trying to convince you that they're not a "wanker" (that ego thingy) that in the end they are trying to pick *you* up!!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Screw me if I'm wrong, but I think you want to kiss me. You know what would look good on you? Me. Go up to someone, knee them intentionally (but softly) and say "I kneed you." I bet you're psychic. What's my sign? I once saw the sun set over the ocean in Florida and I thought I would never see a more beautiful or wonderful sight. That was true until I gazed into the shining pool of your eyes and saw countless dreams and an infinite store of love, affection, and beauty. I'm a virgin. Help me. Hey, what's a beautiful woman like you doing here without a handsome man like me? <check tag on shirt> oh excuse me. I just wanted to see if you really *were* made in heaven. ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 16:49:10 -0400 From: Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU> Subject: RULES for men (PG) THE RULES. 1. The female always makes The Rules. 2. The Rules are subject to change without prior notification. 3. No male can possibly know all The Rules. 4. If the female suspects the male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules. 5. The female is never wrong. 6. If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did or said wrong. 7. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The female may change her mind at any time. 9. The male must never change his mind without the expressed written consent of the female. 10. The female has every right to be angry and upset at any time. 11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. The male is expected to mind read at all times. 14. The male who does not abide by The Rules cannot take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp. 15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm. 16. If the female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void. 17. The female is ready when she is ready. 18. The male must be ready at all times. ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 16:50:19 -0400 From: Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU> Subject: WEIGHTLOSS during SEX (PG-13) ======== THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX ======== ---------------------------------------------------------------- ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED --------------------------------------------------------------- REMOVING CLOTHES: ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE: With partner's consent.....12 Shoes flew off...............35 Without partner's consent.187 Expression didn't change....1/2 Orchestra swelled.............6 UNHOOKING BRA: Birds sang Using two calm hands........7 Large birds..................7 Using one trembling hand...36 Small birds..................3 Earth moved..................30 Lifting partner............15 PULLING OUT: Dragging partner on floor..16 After orgasm................1/2 Using skateboard............3 A few moments before orgasm.500 ACHIEVING ERECTIONS: PENIS ENVY: For normal healthy man....2.5 For woman.....................3 Losing erection............14 For men......................72 Searching for it..........115 GUILT: PUTTING ON CONDOM: Despite no formal training, With erection.............1.5 orgasm comes easily..........53 Without erection..........300 You're enjoying sex,despite the fact that other people are INSERTING DIAPHRAGM: starving......................2 If the woman who does it is Sex on your lunch hour........3 Experienced.................6 Putting it on expense account.. Inexperienced..............73 20 If a man does it..........680 AGGRAVATION: Add (5) calories for retrieving Partner keeps showing plants..5 it from across the room. Partner insists on cuddling the dog during foreplay..........14 ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY: Partner visiting bathroom for Italian- Man on top,woman in 7th time.....................10 kitchen....................26 Partner taking phone calls....7 Russian- Woman on bottom, Partner making phone calls...40 Man getting permission.....55 American- Both on top......60 GETTING CAUGHT: By partner's spouse..........60 SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE: By your spouse..............100 Bouncing....................7 Trying to explain............55 Sliding around..............9 Trying to remain calm.......100 Serious skidding...........12 Leaping out of bed...........75 Whiplash...................27 Getting dressed in one motion 500 Thanking partner quickly......2 ORGASM: Real.......................27 Faked.....................160 ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 16:51:06 -0400 From: Napalm Death Fan <mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU> Subject: wisdom What ever can go wrong will. No matter where you go, there you are. The secret of success is sincerity, once you can fake that you've got it made. If two wrongs don't make a right - try three! You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. It is truly written that a man has five times as many fingers as ears but only twice as many ears as noses. Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else. If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person - he will find an easier way to do it. In any organisation there will always be one person who knows what is going on - this person must be fired. Indecision is the basis for flexibility. Never make a decision you can get someone else to make. Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've really got something! It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. Creativity varies inversely with the number of cooks involved with the broth. You can make it foolproof but you can't make it damnfoolproof. Always drive through an amber light. You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine. Fools rush in - and get the best seats. Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens. If nobody uses it, there must be a reason. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Everybody should believe in something: I believe I'll have another drink. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. You cannot accurately determine the depth of a puddle until you step in it. Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed. Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse. After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself. If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then you just don't understand the problem. You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. 1. If its green or it wriggles, it's biology 2. If it stinks it's chemistry 3. If it doesn't work, it's physics. Any system which relies on human reliability is unreliable. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. All buses heading in the opposite direction drive off the face of the earth and never return. Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is. Celibacy is not hereditary. The closer you are to the facts of a situation, the more obvious are the errors in all news coverage of the situation. The further away the disaster or accident occurs, the greater number of dead and injured required for it to make the news. Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. Those who enjoy sausages and respect the law should never watch either one being made. To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you - the next time he's in need. Einstein's other law of relativity: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on. He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke. ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 16:50:00 EDT From: "Val.Meyers" <OFA82@MSU.EDU> Subject: The three great lies The third great lie is: "I am from the government and I am here to help you." ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 15:40:01 -0600 From: Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU> Subject: VARIATIONS OF PICKUP LINES-PG13/R Spanish Guy: Do you have any Spanish in you? Girl: Uh..no.. Spanish Guy: Bend over! You got me so twittered now, I have to go down to 7-11 and suck the cream out of all the Twinkies. Motion your finger to someone so they come your way. When she arrives say "Do you always cum when someone fingers you?" From the movie "Real Genius": Girl: Can you hammer a six inch spike through a board with your penis? Guy: Not right now. Girl: Sorry, a girl's gotta have her standards. ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 15:44:11 CDT From: Colleen Lamb <Colleen=Lamb@TSL.TEXAS.GOV> Subject: 3rd great lie The third great lie is: I'll sleep on the wet spot. ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 18:11:00 EDT From: E <ESOUTHAL@SNYESCVA.BITNET> Subject: The Three Great Lies The third Great Lie: "It is only a cold sore" ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 19:45:20 EST From: Herman Archie <HERMAN@USCN.BITNET> Subject: Gags & Teasers How can it be proved that a horse has six legs? He has fore(four) legs in the front and two behind. What question can never be answered by "yes" ? Are you asleep. When is a piece of wood like a queen? When it is made into a ruler. ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 21:58:38 EDT From: Tom Murray <F144@FERRIS.BITNET> Subject: Additions to pick up lines PG-13 Here's one I saw on a business card while I was studying "Criminal Justice" (an oxymoron if I've ever heard one!): The person handing this card to you is a police officer Lay down on your back, spread your legs, and do whatever The nice man tells you to. ======== Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 22:21:56 EDT From: Tom Murray <F144@FERRIS.BITNET> Subject: The third great lie I never saw her before in my life...really!!!! ======== Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1993 11:16:36 +0200 From: "P. Molijn - S Soerjoesing" <suribros@DUTIKAT.TWI.TUDELFT.NL> Subject: the third great lie I love you, i want to marry you i want you to be mine forever (think about it forever is a very long time) ======== Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1993 10:30:07 +0100 From: Pete Hendry <pgh@CS.STRATH.AC.UK> Subject: Scottish jokes It seems this Scotsman was given a wallet for his birthday; one of these with a Velcro closure. He said, "Noo, that's my kinda wallet: it scr-r-reams when you open it!" == Q: Why do Scots wear Kilts? A: Because sheep can hear zippers. == Q: How was the Grand Canyon formed? A: A Scotsman dropped a penny in a crack. == And then theres the story about the Scot who dropped a penny and when he bends down to pick it up, it hit him on the back of the head.... == Did ya hear about the gay Scotsman, Phil McCrevice? == An Irish guy dies, and his three best friends -- an Irishman, a Scot, and a Jew attend the funeral. After the service, the Scot says "It's an auld Scottish costom ta leave the dead wi' some money to provide for their wants in the next world." So saying, he leaves a ten-dollar bill on the coffin. The Irishman says "It's not my custom, but never let it be said that a cheap Scot will outdo an Irishman." So saying, he lays a ten dollar bill alongside the Scot's. The two turn to the Jew, who shrugs and says "Well, I won't be the one to break up the party." So saying, he writes a check for $30, leaves it on the coffin and takes the $20. == A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She says "Would you like some food?" The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo, and I am verra hungry!" She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis. (A Scottish delicacy about which the less said, the better.) When he has choked it down, she asks "Would you like something to drink?" "Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad verra much like a drink!" She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75 year old single-malt Scotch whiskey! The Scotsman in beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says "Would you like to play around?" "Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!" == Pete ======== Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1993 15:32:45 LCL From: Randy Randall <RANDALL@WWG3.UOVS.AC.ZA> Organization: Computer Sience, UOFS, Bfn, RSA Subject: Condom Jokes in Namibia Recently, the Department of Health in Namibia introduced condoms to the rural population in an attempt to limited the high birth rate. Unfortunately, the locals didn't know how to use these condoms, so they covered their tongues with it and enjoyed their meal of prickly pears. ======== Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1993 08:59:00 CST From: Mike Novak <NOVAKMJ@SLUVCA.SLU.EDU> Subject: Hillbilly Joke (PG) [BTW, I'm sure you could work in Bill & Hillary somehow if you wanted to...] On the Hillbilly's wedding night he was about to make love to his wife for the first time when he ran screaming out of his trailer and back to his parents' trailer next door. "What's the matter?!?!?" Ma and Pa asked. "Well," Junior says horrified, "I just found out my bride is still a virgin!!" "Wow!" Pa excaliams, "You did the right thing son; if she's not good enough for her own family, she's not good enough for ours!" ======== Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1993 08:13:37 -0600 From: Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU> Subject: VARIATION-PHONE MESSAGES G'Day mate. Can't come to the phone right now. I'm making mad, passionate love with Mel Gibson. Leave your name and number and I'll call you back in a week if I have the strength. Oh Mel...Mel...Mel...!!!! ======== Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1993 08:15:40 CDT From: Colleen Lamb <Colleen=Lamb@TSL.TEXAS.GOV> Subject: Re: the third great lie Do you promise to sleep on the wet spot? ======== Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1993 10:29:00 EDT From: "Rich.Carl" <ADP3S@MSU.EDU> Subject: The REAL third greatest lie I promise not to come in your mouth... ;-> ======== Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1993 10:33:25 -0400 From: Mario Rups <MRUPS@BROOK.EDU> Subject: third great lie ... (What is this, a contest?!) (If so, my vote still goes to Val Meyer's "I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.") But, as an alternative: The third great lie -- "I'll feed it and take it for walks and everything Mom *please* can I keep it?!" ======== Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1993 07:51:00 PDT From: "Briggs, Vickie" <VBriggs@UNEX.UCLA.EDU> Subject: Re: Greatest Lie The third greatest lie is : Yes, I will respect you in the morning. :-> ======== Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1993 11:03:25 -0400 From: Richard <richard@ERICIR.SYR.EDU> Subject: Klingon proverbs. "Revenge is a dish best served cold." "Only a fool fights in a burning building." "Never give anything a name that you might have to eat." "A running man can slit a thousand throats in one night....although some say four thousand." ======== Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1993 10:14:00 CST From: Katie Buller <KTBULLER@MACC.WISC.EDU> Subject: Re: Greatest lie The third greatest lie I've heard is: This won't hurt. ======== Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1993 10:17:00 -05 From: Linda Guy <LGUY@IVY.BITNET> Subject: the other REAL 3rd greatest I promise not to come in your mouth... and the Female version...... I won't BITE! ;) ======== Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1993 10:37:42 -0600 From: Debby Romero <D_ROMERO@OJC.COLORADO.EDU> Subject: ETHNIC JOKE - NO OFFENSE INTENDED THREE CONVICTS ESCAPE FROM PRISON. THERE'S A WHITE MAN, A NEGRO AND A MEXICAN. THEY RUN RIGHT INTO A SWAMP AND STOP WHEN THEY SEE ALL THE ALLIGATORS JUST WAITING TO ATTACK. THERE IS NO OTHER WAY OUT. THEY HEAR THE DOGS AND THE SEARCH PATROL COMING CLOSER. SO THE WHITE MAN DECIDES THAT HE WOULD RATHER CHANCE HIS LIFE WITH THE ALLIGATORS THAN TO GO BACK TO PRISON. SO HE JUMPS IN AND CHOMP, CHOMP, CHOMP THE ALLIGATORS EAT HIM. THE OTHER TWO PRISONERS REMAIN ON LAND BUT WHEN THEY HEAR THE DOGS' BARKING GETTING EVEN CLOSER THE NEGRO DECIDES THAT HE TOO WOULD RATHER TAKE HIS CHANCES WITH THE ALLIGATORS THAN RETURN TO PRISON. SO HE JUMPS IN AND BEGINS TO SWIM WHEN CHOMP, CHOMP, CHOMP THE ALLIGATORS EAT HIM TOO. NOW THE MEXICAN CONVICT REMAINS ALONE AND WHEN HE HEARS THE DOGS BEHIND HIM, HE TOO JUMPS IN THE SWAMP AND BEGINS TO SWIM. THE ALLIGATORS APPROACH HIM AND THEN AS FAST AS THEY CAN THEY SWIM AWAY FROM THE MEXICAN CONVICT AND HE MAKES IT ACROSS THE SWAMP UNHARMED AND FREE. THEN ONE ALLIGATOR ASKS THE KING ALLIGATOR, "WHY DIDN'T YOU LET US EAT THIS ONE, TOO?" THE KING ALLIGATOR REPLIED, "I ATE ONE OF THOSE LAST MONTH AND BOY DID MY BUTHOLE BURN FOR WEEKS!" ======== Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1993 10:26:17 PDT From: Henry Cate <Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM> Subject: Life 1.G A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago, big ****************************************************************** ************* Subject: The software that worked too well This story is nth hand, thus to be classified as rumor. But it is relevant to RISKS, so I pass it on, if only as a parable. SeaTac is the main Seattle-area airport. Ordinarily aircraft landings are from the north, and this end of the runway is equipped with all the sensing equipment necessary to do ALS (Automatic Landing System) approaches. The early 747 ALS worked beautifully, and the first of these multi-centaton aircraft set down exactly at the spot in the center of the runway that the ALS was heading for. The second 747 set down there. The third 747 landed on this part of the runway. ... As did all the others. After a while, SeaTac personnel noticed that the concrete at this point at the north end of the ALS runway was breaking up under the repeated impact of 747 landings. So the sofware was modified so that 3 miles out on the approach, a random number generator is consulted to choose a landing spot -- a little long, a little short, a little to the left or a little to the right. THE MORAL: Don't assume you understand the universe without actually experimenting. ****************************************************************** ************* "There are two things you are better off not seeing in the making -- sausages and econometric estimates." . . . a quote from Edward Leamer, economist at UCLA, stolen without permission from last week's Science. The article continues in this vein: " . . . people want answers to impossible questions and are overly impressed by answers that come out of a computer. [Kenneth] Arrow [of Stanford] makes an analogy with the theory of evolution. Asking an economist to accurately forecast next year's energy demand is like asking an evolutionary biologist what species will evolve next." ****************************************************************** ************* A guy wanders into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender provides it, and he drinks it down. When he finishes it, he starts nibbling on the rim of the glass. He keeps nibbling and nibbling until there's nothing left but the stem of the glass. He then throws the stem over his shoulder where it breaks into pieces on the floor. By now, quite a few of the patrons are watching this go on. He orders another martini, and repeats the performance; nibbling the rim of the glass around and around until there's nothing left but the stem, which he throws away over his shoulder. Several patrons are staring at him with their mouths open. He orders a third martini and does it all over again; nibbling down to the stem and throwing the stem over his shoulder. After the fourth time, he pays his bill and leaves. All of the other barflies are staring at him in amazement. The bartender says "That's the weirdest thing I ever saw!". "Yeah," says a customer, "he's throwing away the best part". ****************************************************************** **** Once upon a time, in the days of royalty, lived the Count of Hegula, and his sidekick, the Duke of Pearl. One night these crafty fellows decided to break into the queen's castle and steal the royal treasures. Unfortunately, as they were making away with the loot, they awakened one of the guards. The Count was caught, but the Duke escaped. Other guards were summoned to search for the Duke, but he could not be found. The next morning, the Count was brought before her majesty the queen. "Tell me who your accomplice was," she said, " and I will let you go free. I just want to get my jewels back." "No way, lady!" said the Count. "I will never tell you, nor anybody else. My pride is stronger than your greed." "Very well, then. Off with your head!" said the queen. "Guards, take this criminal to the executioner." As the guards escorted the man down the hall, one of them spoke: "Hey, Count, tell us who your helper was, and we can all escape together and share the treasure." "Get lost!" replied the Count. "I will never reveal my partner's name!" So the guards took the man into the execution room, and forced him to kneel beside the chopping block. A priest in the room then began to speak. "Dear Lord, please give this man the courage to admit his guilt, and let him tell us the name of his accomplice, so that he, too, may be forgiven." "Take off, preacher!" yelled the Count. "No stupid prayer is going to make me talk!" So the priest quietly exited the room. Then from a dark corner came the hooded executioner. He sharpened his large axe as the criminal remained calm, then he approached the chopping block. "Son," he said, "this is your last chance. Who helped you steal the queen's jewels?" "I have said it before and I will say it again: I WILL NEVER TELL ANYONE!!" the Count screamed. "OFF WITH MY HEAD!!" and he began to laugh. The executioner shook his head in disappointment, then started to raise his axe. The Count grew silent, then began to shake with fear. Just as the sharp blade was falling, he suddenly screamed out, "NO, WAIT!! I'LL TELL! I'LL T..." But he was too late! The axe had fallen, and his head hit the floor. And the moral of the story is: Don't Hatchet Your Counts Before They Chicken! ****************************************************************** ************* Joke! A guy is driving through Vermont when he sees some old fogey sitting on a rocking chair, rocking back and forth, looking like he hasn't moved since 1957. He asks they guy "Been rocking there all your life?" And the guy replies "Not yet!" Another shaggy dog story: In days of old when knights were bold there was on little runt who had to use a large shaggy dog instead of a horse. Well it seems that as he was out on a quest it started raining and very dark and gloomy. As it happened he came upon a castle and requested entrence to the establishment. He was admitted and soon he and his dog were drying themselves in front of the fire. Soon enought they were dry and comfortable and the day had turned to night and the storm had become worse. The knight prepaired to go and noted that the dog was just as wet as ever and even more shaggy looking than when they had came in. The lord of the castle looked the situation over and thought a while then proclamed: "I'll let you stay the night. I can't send a knight out on a dog like this" ****************************************************************** ******* An Englishman is trying to hitch a lift in the Irish country side. Soon a mini-truck pulls up and the Englishman boards. "You look lost Lad. Where'er you off to?" asks the driver, an old Irishman. "Down this road 'bout 6 kilo- meters" the Englishman says. "Ah! y'er English. I'm a farmer. I'm off to the market to sell me horse and the pig." the farmer says as he points to the back. "These are dangerous parts, Lad, you shouldn't be out here alone, you know. That's why I carry this buffalo-rifle, you know, for safety." Just then, another truck approaches head-on on collision course. The farmer swerves back and forth to maintain control. After a lot of skidding, he hits a street-light pole and they all come flying out of the truck. The farmer gets up to assess the damage. He sees his pig, all cut up and barely breathing. He limps back to the truck, gets his rifle and approaches the pig. "Oh poor little piggy," he says, "All cut up and bleeding. Yer must be in terrible pain. I'll put ya out of yer misery". He points the gun at the pig and pulls the trigger and BOOM. Then he walks over to the horse which is also lying there bleeding. "Oh poor little horsey, all cut up and bleeding. Yer must be in great pain. I'll put ya out of yer misery". He points his gun at the horse and BOOM. Finally he looks the Englishman, who has been watching all this. Being hurt bad, he's struggling to get up. He has a slash across the side of his face, arms and legs cut up and bleeding badly and one eye squinting and blood trickling out of his mouth. The farmer walks over to the Englishman and asks, "Are ya alright?". The Englishman responds with a quivering voice while his hand is shaking with a nervous twitch, "Fine, I've never felt better in my life! Thanks for the ride." ****************************************************************** ******* There was a biology student who was studying equilibrium in sea birds. He proposed that giving measured doses of various hallucinogenic substances and observing their flight patterns would give some insight to the problems of equilibrium in three dimensional space. This tale taking place in a more liberal era, the student got the funding. He filled out mountains of forms, set up a lab with a supply of sea birds, and proceeded on his way. After a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before the review commitee to get his stipend, and living with stoned sea birds, he completed his study. With trembling hands, he delivered his 247 page report, complete with charts and graphs, to the review commitee. This august body peruses his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing our student to jello. Finally, the department head rises. The light reflects off her steel rimmed glasses as she stares down at our student. "There is a lot of good work here," she says. "But we can't accept this report. You have detailed marvelously the effects of all these substances on these sea birds, but you have no control group." Our student turns pale and says, "You don't mean..." "Yes. I'm afraid so. You left no tern unstoned." ****************************************************************** ******** These 3 guys are walking in the jungles of Africa when they are captured by a tribe of 7 foot tall, extremly mean black natives who have never seen a white person before. They turn to the first guy and say "You have been caught walking in the sacred jungle, where no whites are allowed. We are going to tie you to a tree, blow darts at you, throw knives at you, and use you for spear throwing practice." The guy turns white (r), grabs his gun, and shoots himself in the head. The natives are a little pissed. They turn to the second guy and say "UMGOWA. We are going to strip off all your clothes, cover you with honey, and stack you out over an anthill" Well, this guy doesn't like this prospect so he grabs the gun and shoots himself in the head also. The natives turn to the third guy and say "we are going to skin you alive, then use your hide to make a canoe." The guy doesn't like this one bit so he grabs a fork and starts stabbing himself all over yelling "Conoe?! Hears what I think of your lousy canoe!". ---------------------------------------------------------------- ======== Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1993 13:44:00 EDT From: "Michael B. Smith" <MBS116@PSUVM.BITNET> Subject: Liquor is Quicker (R+) A man walks into a bar and orders 12 martinis. Bartender: Is there a group on the way or are these just for you? Man : They're just for me. Line them up in a row and I'll and I'll drink 'em all down. Bartender: Is there something you're celebrating? Man : Yep, my first blow job. Bartender: That's great! Here let me give you another so it will be an even 13. Man : Oh, that's ok. If 12 doesn't get rid of the taste an extra one won't make that much difference. ======== Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1993 12:45:14 CST From: Herb Rotfeld <ROTFELD@BUSINESS.AUBURN.EDU> Organization: College of Business @ Auburn Univ. Subject: a poem or two DON'T BLAME ME IF YOU UNDERSTAND THIS!! by herb rotfeld To keep in mind, Plants have I not -- Though apples tree, And bilious rot. Most people do Behind closed doors: Read magazines, While puppy snores. So go make haste On buying spree; Appendix cute, With kumquats free. So wax and shine Your furry friend -- And search for TV's Better end. You'll see by now, For vanity: This poem is banned Where sanity!! ------------------------------------------------------- THE ETHICS & DELUSIONS OF CAMPUS LIFE: THE STUDENTS' VIEW! by herb rotfeld The test's, They say, For us to learn; So all night long, The pages churn. But come the sun, I could not think -- No thoughts, No bath; My gods I stink! So mind applied To how to con: "Test cops" and profs, I'm really on To stuff so hard, To learn and "know" -- Lost with the dawn, Just where'd it go? Heard in my mind: "DON'T FAIL THE TEST!!" So notes, Ensconced, On wrist and breast. Cheat? Who me? How dare you say! I really learned Stuff for today. It's just so hard, For me to think: I crammed all night, Slept not a wink. Besides I'll get Killed if I fail: And now I'm caught, So what's the bail? ======== Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1993 14:11:39 EST From: Herman Archie <HERMAN@USCN.BITNET> Subject: Riddles Whats put on the table but never eaten? Apack of cards. Four men build four boats i n four days. How long will it take one man to build one boat? Four days. ======== Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1993 14:29:00 EST From: "Bill Edwards, Columbus College, Georgia" <EDWARDS@USCN.BITNET> Subject: Politics & sex (not offensive) Democracy is like sex. When it is good, it is very, very good. And when it is bad, it is still pretty good. ======== Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1993 23:46:02 MDT From: Petr Novotny <NOVOTNYP@CSEARN.BITNET> Subject: Childish, probably inoffensive A traveler is making his way through the jungle when he is ambushed by a group of aboriginies. They tell him: "You have been caught on our territory. You can choose now - either you may die or you may be tortured by Bongo-Bongo." The traveller takes a thought and then he decides to stay alive and be tortured by Bongo-Bongo. But the aboriginies are just people, after they torture him, they let him go. The traveller goes on when he is ambushed by another group of aboriginies. They tell him again: "You have been caught on our territory. You can choose now - either you may die or you may be tortured by Bongo-Bongo." The traveller decides for Bongo-Bongo and goes off away. When he is ambushed by still another group of aboriginies, he is fed up with all that Bongo-Bongo and decides to die. The aboriginies look at him and tell him: "Okay, you'll die by Bongo-Bongo". ======== Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1993 23:36:27 EDT From: Walter Probert <WALTERP@NERVM.NERDC.UFL.EDU> Suppose you were in the woods and saw a bear coming toward you. What would you rather do, keep running, or go climb a tree with a bear behind? ======== Date: Wed, 9 Jun 1993 09:40:25 +0100 From: Pete Hendry <pgh@CS.STRATH.AC.UK> Subject: More Scottish Jokes A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!", and he actually did. The next morning's newspaper carried the news item: "JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY". == The Scottsman comes to his friend in tears. "My beautiful comb. I broke a tooth on it an now I can't use it anymore. What am I going to do? Now I'll have to buy another one." "Well," said his friend, "you don't need to buy another just because you lost one tooth on your comb." "But you don't understand. It was the last tooth." == A Scotsman was sick and in hospital. His doctors were afraid that this was to be the end of him since nothing they did could do anything to make him healthy. His physician asked him if there was anything that he could do to make him more comfortable in his final hours. The Scot replied, "If I could only hear the pipes one more time it would make me very happy." So the doctor arranged for a piper to come into the room and play for the dying man. When the Scot heard the pipes the color came back into his cheeks, his eyes became bright, his breathing was easier, and he got up and danced around the room. He was completely cured! Later, while recounting the tale to his fellows over lunch the doctor confessed that this was a miracle cure that he couldn't explain. When the pipes began to play the Scotsman was cured. The only problem he could see was that 2 Englishmen in for checkups died. == 'Tis said in Erin that 'twas the Irish who invented the bagpipes and gave 'em to the Scots as a joke...and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet. == A SCOTTISH SOLUTION The Scots have a reputation for prudence and frugality. They are not the sort of people who make a habbit of losing their wallets. But it does happen. The following announcement appeared in the Glasgow Herald recently:- 'Lost in Sauchiehall Street, a black leather wallet containing family photographs, identity documents and five hundred pounds in notes. The finder is asked to keep the photos and documents, but to return the money to which I am attached for sentimental reasons.' Once evening in a restaurant in Edinburgh a man stood up and exclaimed: -I've just lost my wallet. There's a hundred pounds on it. I'll give five pounds to the person who finds it and returns it to me. From the other side of the restaurant a man in a kilt called out: -I'll give six == "I saw a horrible accident on the way to the club tonight...Two taxicabs collided and 30 scotsmen were killed..." == Pete. ======== Date: Wed, 9 Jun 1993 07:05:15 CDT From: Colleen Lamb <Colleen=Lamb@TSL.TEXAS.GOV> Subject: rated PG A newlywed couple was on their honeymoon when the new husband said, "Honey, I have a confession to make. I'm a golfer and you may not be seeing me much on the weekends." The new wife replied, "I've got a confession to make, too. I'm a hooker." The husband said, "Don't worry, just drop your left shoulder and follow through on your swing." ======== Date: Wed, 9 Jun 1993 08:17:13 -0600 From: Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU> Subject: MORE PICK-UP LINES/MESSAGES PHONE MESSAGES: Hi, You've reached 976-BABE. (spoken with a Valley Girl/Blonde accent) Like Ohmigod. I can't believe you like called me. That is like so cool. I'm like gone right now. I forgot like where I am so if I ever find myself I'll like call you-K? Byeeeee! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PICK-UP LINES: Hey, Baby, do you want fries with that shake? You must be made of jelly because jam don't shake like that. Hi, what can I do you for? Hi, what can I do to you? Hi, what will you do me for? Him: How was your Zima? (drink, dinner, etc.) Her: Orgasmic. Him: What? Her: What, you've never had one --- a Zima? To someone who really disgusts you: Uhh Baby, Uhh Baby (really seductive) What you don't do for me! If someone you don't like yells for you to pull over, yell: "You want to pull down my what?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's not the length. It's not the size. It's how many times he can make it rise. There are three sizes of men: Small, medium, and OH MY GOD!!!! ======== Date: Wed, 9 Jun 1993 17:43:40 EST From: Herman Archie <HERMAN@USCN.BITNET> Subject: Tounge Twisters Theophilus Thistle thrust three thousand thistles through his thick thumb. Bitter bickering bricklayers bickering bitterly. Seven social showmen socially showing soaps. The block bootblack blacks boots black. ======== Date: Wed, 9 Jun 1993 17:24:50 PDT Comments: Warning -- original Sender: tag was Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM From: Cate3.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 1.H A collection of clean humor gather eight years ago, big ****************************************************************** ************* Subject: And woman is no coward She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use." In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick, not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it." [From a review of "The Secret House", David Bodanis, Simon and Schuster. Summary: An ordinary house is a hidden world of microscopic life and scientific illumination.] ****************************************************************** ************* A man took his wife into the doctor for dizzy spells. Finding the doctor behind schedule the man went off to buy some christmas presents agreeing to meet at a close shopping mall. The wife was given a prescription and went shopping. Found a really wonderful hat and some gloves. When the husband rejoined her he commented "You're all dressed up and no 'vere to go". Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says the treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up. Man bursts into tears. "But doctor . . . I am Pagliacci. ****************************************************************** ************* Wrong Arm of the Law A judge admonished the police in Radnor, Pa., for pretending a Xerox copy machine was a lie detector. Officials had placed a metal colander on the head of a suspect and attached the colander to the copier with metal wires. In the copy machine was a typewritten message: "He's lying." Each time investigators received answers they didn't like, they pushed the copy button. Out came the message, "He's lying." Apparantly convinced the machine was accurate, the suspect confessed. ****************************************************************** ************* Subject: Is this a good candidate for a Darwin Award? PUMPKIN CENTER, Okla. (UPI) An Oklahoma cowboy who was trampled by an ostrich he was trying to lasso was in critical condition Friday at a hospital in Boise, Idaho. J.T. Coody of Cache, Okla., was injured Sunday. Coody's brother, Dale Coody, 50, of Pumpkin Center, bought several ostriches in Boise to add to his ostrich farm at Pumpkin Center, east of Lawton. J.T. Coody was helping load the birds into a corral Sunday, when one ostrich broke loose and ran into a car and some fences, Dale Coody said. "J.T., being a cowboy as he is, decided to rope the bird," he said. "When he threw the loop, the bird dodged the loop and ran right over him." "J.T. Coody was struck by the ostrich's breast bone and was knocked unconscious." ****************************************************************** ************* Q. What do you call a TV set that fixes itself? A. A Christian Science Monitor. ****************************************************************** ************* Sample cause-of-death reports from early 1800s in Missouri; ``Went to bed feeling well, but woke up dead.'' ``Died suddenly, nothing serious'' ``Cause of death unknown; had never been fatally ill before.'' ``Don't know; died without the aid of a physician.'' ``death caused by blow on the head with an ax. Contributory cause, another man's wife.'' ****************************************************************** ************* Hitler and Goering are sitting around talking, one afternoon in 1940, and Goering remarks, "You know, whatever else you want to say about the Jews, you have to admit that they're clever, cleverer than Germans, even." "What?" says Hitler. "Jews clever? Don't be silly." "No, really, Fuehrer. I'll prove it to you. Come with me." So Goering takes Hitler outside into the streets of Berlin, to the china district. They walk down the main street, which is lined with stores selling pottery and table china. Goering chooses a store and takes Hitler inside. They go up to the counter, and the proprietor comes toward them. "Heil Hitler. How can I help you?" "I'd like to see some teacups," says Goering. So the store owner brings out a nice selection of cups, and spreads them out on the counter. "Mmm," says Goering, "these are very nice, but you see, I was really interested in some left-handed cups." "Some what?" asks the storekeeper, a bit confused. "Some left-handed tea cups. Have you any in stock?" The store keeper doesn't know quite what to make of this, so he shakes his head and says "No, I'm sorry but I'm all sold out." "Thank you anyway," says Goering, and leads Hitler back outside. They go down the street a bit and Goering pulls Hitler into another china shop. Again, he asks for left-handed tea cups. "I'm sorry," says the clerk. "I don't know what you mean." "Well, never mind. Thanks anyway." And Goering goes out of the shop, with Hitler following behind. "I don't understand," says the Fuehrer. "How is this supposed to prove that Jews are clever?" "Ah. Just wait." And Goering takes Hitler into the ghetto, the Jewish section of the city. Here everything is much poorer, but Goering manages to find a china shop. Again, he goes in, followed by Hitler, and asks to see some left-handed tea cups. "Certainly, sir. Here is a very nice one." And the Jewish storekeeper takes down a cup and places it in front of Hitler and Goering with the handle pointing toward the left. "Aha!" cries Goering, turning toward Hitler. "Didn't I tell you the Jews were clever?" And the Fuehrer answers, "I don't see what you're so excited about. He just happened to have one in stock, that's all." Shoshanna Green ****************************************************************** ************* " Did you hear about the fellow from Indiana who was arrested for smuggling books into Kentucky? They had to let him go 'cause the court couldn't prove they were books. " ****************************************************************** ************* Q: What do you call a cow that can't give milk? A: An utter failure. ****************************************************************** ************* A man walks into the sherriffs office... "I want to become a deputy!" "Fine. I want you to catch this man." Hands the man a wanted poster. "Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots. What's he wanted for?" "Rustling." ****************************************************************** ************* OK, so this guy who's been painting lines down the middle of the road decides that the outdoor life is for him, and takes off to the Great White North to be a lumberjack. And after he's out there for a little while, he becomes an average, everyday lumberjack. One day, he's sitting there reading the Lumberjack Times, and sees an ad for a chainsaw. So he thinks to himself, "Self, this ad says that using this chainsaw will triple my output. I could sure use the money. I'll go check it out." And check it out he did. He trucked on up to the Lumberjack store, and bought the biggest, bestest chainsaw he could find. The salesman reminded our Lumberjack friend of the 10 day, moneyback offer that came with the chainsaw, and showed him to the door. Well, the first day the lumberjack used his new toy, he only was able to cut down about half of the trees he normally did. Well, he thought, it was merely because he wasn't used to it yet. The next day, he got up extra early, and worked an extra two hours, and only cut down about 3/4 of what he normally did. He was getting kinda discouraged now, but decided to give it one more try. Needless to say (but I'll say it anyway), the third day he barely managed to cut down what he normally did, working twice as long as usual to accomplish this. After recovering from his exhausting day, the following morning he set off to cause severe bodily harm to the unfortunate salesman. Arriving at the store, the lumberjack walked through the nearest wall and demanded to see the kind soul who had sold him the chainsaw. The quivering salesman approached, and the lumberjack launched into a detailed description of how the chainsaw failed to live up to its reputation. The salesman listened raptly, and told the lumberjack, "Well, I don't really understand how this could happen, but let's take a look at it. It's possible you've got a defective model there." So, the salesman takes a hold of the chainsaw, yanks on the cord, and starts the beast up. Whereupon the lumberjack says, "What's that noise?" ****************************************************************** ************* An airliner was going from New York to Los Angeles. After it had been in the air about an hour there was a loud BOOM and the plane shook violently. Naturally everyone became quite nervous. After about one minute the pilot came over the PA and very nonchalantly said "Ladies and Gentlemen, what we just experienced was nothing to be alarmed about. Our number one engine just went out. But I repeat there is no problem. Our numbers 2, 3, and 4 engines can easily carry us on into LA. However we will be a half hour late. Eventually everyone calmed back down. About an hour later there was another loud BOOM and the plane lunged again. Thirty seconds later the pilot came over the PA again and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have just lost our number 2 engine. But I assure you, there is nothing to be concerned about. Our numbers 3 and 4 engines can easily carry us on into LA. However we will be an hour late. Sure enough, about an hour later there was yet another BOOM. The pilot immediately came over the PA and said "Ladies and Gentlemen our number three engine just went out but again let me reassure you that there is still no danger. Our number 4 engine is plenty powerful enough to get us to LA. However, we will be 3 hours late. At this point a passenger, disgusted, leaned over to the guy sitting next to him and said "Man, I hope that number 4 engine doesn't go out or we're gonna be up here all day!" ****************************************************************** ************* Having just learned that the French equivalent of the American 'Polish joke' is the Belgian joke, I relay the following: The Belgian government has decided that the British system of driving on the left side of the road may have significant advantages over their present right side of the road system, so they have scheduled an experiment: Starting on the first of January, and for the next six months, all cars in Belgium will be required to drive on the left side of the road. If, as expected, the experiment is a success, then trucks will also start driving on the left ... ======== Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1993 11:02:49 +0100 From: Pete Hendry <pgh@CS.STRATH.AC.UK> Subject: Doctor Joke A man suffering from a severe case of flatulence goes to the doctor. Man: Doctor, I have a terrible (FARRRT!) problem. I just can't (FFFART!!) stop farting. Doctor: That is an unusual complaint. Take off your clothes and lay, stomach down, on the couch. The man does as he is told. The doctor examines him for a minute - the man is farting all the time. Doctor: Ah ha! This should be easy to cure. Excuse me for a moment. The doctor goes over to a closet and pulls out a long pole with a sharp spike at one end. Man: (FAART!) Oh my God! (fart..) What are you going to do with (FFFARTT!!) that ?! Doctor: I need to open a window. Pete. ======== Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1993 09:32:00 EST From: "David K. Wall" <DKW0@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV> Subject: Re: Tongue Twisters (risque) I'm a fig-plucker -- I pluck figs. I'm the best fig-plucker that ever plucked a fig. A friend of mine once taught this to another friend's 4-year old, with predictable results. :-) ======== Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1993 09:40:15 -0400 From: rchatham@MATH.UTK.EDU Subject: One liner mathematician joke Did you hear the one about the hypochondriac mathematician whose AIDS test came out "imaginary"? ======== Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1993 09:02:13 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at Memphis State <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU> Subject: A Two-Time Loser (clean) A man in a bar walked up to the bartender, placed a $10 bill on the bar and said, "I'll bet you this $10 I can make you cry." The bartender looked at him, at the $10, and said, "How are you going to do that?" The man said, "I'll just talk to you and make you cry." The bartender said, "I'll take that bet," and he put $10 beside the other man's money. The man then said, "This might take a few minutes. I have to wait for Boo." The Bartender said, "Boo who?" He realized immediately that he had been taken and watched as the man picked up the $20 and left. The bartender thought a minute and decided to get his $10 back the same way he lost it. So, when a black man walked up to the bar, the bartender put $10 on the bar and challenged the black man just as he had been challenged. The black man accepted the bet and put his $10 on the bar. The bartender then said, "This will take a few minutes. I have to wait for Boo." The black man said, "Who be Boo?" ======== Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1993 11:34:39 -0600 From: Jill Harlow <J_HARLOW@OJC.COLORADO.EDU> Subject: DEATH BY BUNDY--RATED R Three English explorers, searching for the source of the Nile, found themselves in the jungles of Darkest Africa (it coulda been Borneo, or Tierra del Fuego, or a South Sea island, or even certain parts of the Appalachian mountains in the central Southern United States, but the dude who told me this joke said "Darkest Africa" so hold the flames), when they were surrounded by hundreds of male warriors of the local tribe, painted up, armed to the teeth with spears, knives and all sorts of nasty weapons meant for destruction of human flesh, who promptly tied up the three explorers and hauled them before the Tribal Chieftan. The Chieftan, who had been taught English several years ago by a couple of unfortunate American missionaries who found themseves as the entree at a smorgasbord, informed the three Englishmen that they had been trspassing on forbidden land, and there were only two penalties, which he said were death or bundy, and they had the right to choose which of the penalties they preferred. The first Englishman, not knowing what "bundy" was, figured that it had to be better than dying, so he informed the chieftan that he chooses "bundy". He was immediately untied, grabbed by three of the Chieftan's elite gu ard, thrown on the ground, and raped by embuggerment (anal intercourse) by every male member of the tribe. This lasted for hours, the man screamed bloody murder, and eventually passed out. Then, the second explorer was asked: "Which do you choose, death or bundy?" and he thought: that was horrible, but at least I have a chance of surviving, so with a stiff upper lip, being a game old chap, he said: "I choose bundy." Again, the guards untied him and set upon him. They raped him savagely and repeatedly, and his screams punctuated the night for hours, until they finally left him unconscious, in a bloody heap. Now the third explorer, when asked: "Which do you choose, death or bundy?", thought to himsel f: Bullshit! I'm not going to let these bloody savages do this to me--I'd rather die! So he anwered, in a loud, clear, courageous voice: "I choose death! Immediately, the Tribal Chieftan roared to his guards: "Death by bundy!" ======== Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1993 14:05:32 CST From: Valerie Meyer DeJong <V-DEJO@VM1.SPCS.UMN.EDU> Subject: gross bodily function joke Subject: gross bodily function joke What do you call a vegetarian with diahrea? A salad shooter. ======== Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1993 17:46:24 EST From: Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET> Subject: Ethnic humor <tasteless> What's a Puerto Rican limousine? A garbage truck with Mercedes hubcaps. How about a Hatian safari? Three roaches and a can of Raid. Why don't Italians need to wear life preservers? Because gease floats. Three men were trapped in the loft of a burning barn, and it soon because evident that the only way out was by jumping into a pile of horseshit. The Egyptian jumped first, and the manure only came up to his knees. The Vietnamese was the next to jump, and it only came up to his waist. The Canadian (English speaker) jumped last, and the shit came all the way up to his neck. Know why? He jumped head first. Once there was a penny-pinching farmer who decided to see if there was anyone out there gullible enough to rent his outhouse. So he put an ad in the paper, and within two weeks a nice Mexican family had set up house. The rent came in regularly, and after a few months the farmer decided to take a stroll and see how his tenants were coming along. He wa startled to see a couple of TV antennas sticking up from the roof. "Oh, those," explained the Mexican father. "We rented out the basement to a couple of Brothers." ======== Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1993 18:03:44 EST From: Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET> Subject: Shocking 6th grade story <rude language> Sad to say this is a true story which happened within the last two weeks. This story could be deeply funny except that the results are likely to be tragic. A sixth grader was asked to return to his seat and be silent. The student quickly ignored the teacher's request. The teacher sharply called for the student's attention and insisted that he sit down now. To which the student responded: "Suck my dick!" The child was taken to the principal's office & he called the mom to pick up her child (the principal was expelling the child). When the mother demanded an explanation, the principal explained what happened and what the child had said. Dear old mom exclaimed, "I don't know why you are expelling my child, after all the teacher provoked him." ======== Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1993 21:16:00 CDT From: Katie Buller <KTBULLER@MACC.WISC.EDU> Subject: Little Red Riding Person (PG for implied violence) > > Little Red Riding Hood - A Politically Correct Fairy Tale > by Jim Garner > >copied by Andy Tiarks April 24, 1993 >originally appeared in "Comic Relief" April, 1993 > > There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived >with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother >asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her >grandmother's house -- not because this was woman's work, mind you, >but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of >community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather >was in full physical and mental health and was fully capable of >taking care of herself as a mature adult. > > So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food through the >woods. Many people she knew believed that the forest was a >foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red >Riding Hood, however, was so confident in her own budding sexuality >that such obvious Freudian imagery did not hinder her. > > On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by >a Wolf, who asked her what was in the basket. She replied, "Some >healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of >taking care of herself as a mature adult." > > The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little >girl to walk through the woods alone." > > Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in >the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional >status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused >you to develop your own, entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll >excuse me, I must be on my way." > > Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because >his status outside society had freed him form slavish adherence to >linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to >Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an >entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself. >Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what was >masculine or feminine, he put on Grandma's nightclothes and crawled >into bed. > > Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have >brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your >role of a wise and nurturing matriarch." > > From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so >that I might see you." > > Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically >challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!" > > "They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear." > > "Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of >course, and certainly attractive in it's own way." > > "It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear." > > "Grandma, what big teeth you have!" > > The Wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," and >leaped out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent >on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at >the Wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of >his willful invasion of her personal space. > > Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or >log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst >into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as >he raised his axe, Red Riding Hood and the Wolf both stopped. > > "And what do you thing you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood. > > The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no >words came to him. > > "Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to >do your thinking for you!" She said. "Sexist! Speciesist! How >dare you assume that women and wolves can't solve their own >problems without a man's help!" > > When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped out of >the Wolf's mouth, took the woodchopper-person's axe, and cut his >head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the >Wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up >an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, >and they lived together in the woods happily ever after. > ======== Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1993 19:23:03 -0700 Comments: <Parser> E: RFC822 "local part" (username) containing a blank was encountered. These usernames are not presently supported. Comments: <Parser> E: Mail origin cannot be determined. Comments: <Parser> E: Original tag data was -> "PC::MRGATE::\"A1::CORNELIUS, MICHAEL\""@PC.BITNET From: Undetermined origin c/o Postmaster <POSTMASTER@UGA.BITNET> Subject: Yo Momma..... Yo Momma... is so dumb that when I told her it was chilly outside she ran outside with a BOWL. is so stupid, I taught her the *running man* and she hasn't come back since. was so ugly as a baby that she had to be fed with a slingshot. is so ugly you have to hang a piece of meat around her neck to get the dog to play with her. is so ugly, when she went to the zoo with a fur coat on they wouldn't let her out. is so fat that when she wore a Malcolm X t-shirt helicopters tried to land on her. is so fat when she puts on a red dress she looks like the Kool-aide man. is so stupid it took her 3 days to watch 48 hours. is so stupid it took an hour to make minute rice. your momma legs are so hairy that if she put on a fur coat and you gave her a banana she would look like a gorrilla. is so poor that she went to the Salvation Army asking for lower prices. so dumb she thought *Boyz II Men* was a nursery school. Does anyone know any more? Michael C. Phoenix AZ. ======== Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1993 20:55:01 CDT From: "Dennis Bil." <abe1@EDUC.UCALGARY.CA> Subject: Native jokes, R(offensive) What do Indian women do with thier used tampons? Take them to Bingo for Bingo blotters. What do you call 32 indians sitting in a circle? A full set of teeth. Why did the indian cross the road? To sleep in the other ditch. How many Indians does it take to srew in a light bulb? 100, one to hold the light bulb and 99 to drink lysol till the room starts spinning. There was this Indian couple driving along and the women snuggles up to the guy. "Your pa-shon-it," she says and the guy smiles(no teeth). She starts blowing on his neck and says again,"your pa-shon-it," and he smiles again. "Your pa-shon-it," she says again while stroking his leg, he starts weaving all over the road. All of a sudden she jumps up and yells, "What the hell are ya doin' your pa-shon-it, da licker store is back dere." There was this white guy hunting up north for geese. He found a nice spot right beside this reservation. This goose flies by and he shoots it down. He watches it come down and then he walked over to where he spoted fall. He got there and there was this big ole' indian right beside it. "Get da fuck off mah land," the big indian says. "Okay let me get my goose and I will leave," the white guy says. "Fuck ya, dishis ma goose," "I shot it down and it is mine," "Fuck off, dishis mine," "Okay, lets not fight, lets settle this a mans way, we each take turns kicking each other in the balls and the last one standing can have the bird." The indian says "Okay me first". The white guy says" nope I thought it up and i get to go first." "Okay" the indian says. So the white guy takes a few steps back and runs and kicks the Indian in the balls(cowboy boots too) and the indian just flies like over a field. The Indian makes his way back and the white guys says to him "Okay, you win, you get the goose". An old squaw was going to be with this guy. She tells him to put his finger inside of her cunt and he does. She tells him to put his whole hand in and he does. She tells him to put his arm in up to his elbow and he does(he is grossed out by this time). She tells him to put his whole arm in and he does(he is really grossed out now). She tells him to put his other arm in and he gets it in. "Now Clap" she tells him. "I can't the isn't enough room." "Yeah, pretty tight eh? ======== Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1993 23:33:00 EST From: "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858" <KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU> Subject: Re: Yo Momma..... Yo momma... ...is so ugly that she went into a haunted house and came out with a contract. ...is so fat that she jumped into the air and got stuck. ...is so fat that she has to use a snorkel to do the dishes. ...is like McDonald's -- over 45 billion served. ...is like a doorknob. Everyone gets a turn. These are from my 10-year-old son. Shirl kenneds@firnvx.firn.edu ======== Date: Fri, 11 Jun 1993 09:57:00 +0300 From: Robert Werman <RWERMAN@VMS.HUJI.AC.IL> Subject: Trappists There was this novitiate who joined a very strict Trappist order. Trappists are usually limited to a few necessary words. This order limited its members to 2, yes TWO!, words only every 5 years, yes YEARS! At the end of his first five years, Brother Ian was invited into the Abbot's chambers and told he could now recite his two words. BED HARD! blurted Brother Ian. And went back to his duties. After five more years he was again invited in by the Abbot. This time his two words, shouted out, were: FOOD TERRIBLE! Another five years of silence, prayer and work. And when he came to the Abbot, he could hardly wait to shout out, WORK INTOLERABLE! Another five years go by and he enters the Abbot's chambers screaming: I QUIT! When the Abbot met his colleague, Abbot Mark of the nearest Trappist monastery, Abbot Mark remarked, "Too bad about losing Brother Ian." The Abbot shook his head and said, "The man did nothing but complain for 20 years." __Bob Werman rwerman@hujivms.bitnet rwerman@vms.huji.ac.il Jerusalem ======== Date: Fri, 11 Jun 1993 07:53:44 -0600 From: Les Pourciau at Memphis State <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU> Subject: Light bulbs (clean) How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? That's not funny! How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but it takes him nine years. How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Fifteen. You got a problem with that? ======== Date: Fri, 11 Jun 1993 09:19:17 EDT From: DAVISKL@VTVM2.CC.VT.EDU Subject: BALLAD OF MAE WEST'S BUST BALLAD OF MAE WEST'S BUST by Earl H. Emmons My eyes have seen upon life's screen The wreck of countless dreams, Where e'er I turn 'tis but to learn That naught is as it seems, And 'neath the sun I've found but one Tradition I can trust, One thing that's sure and does endure Is Mae West's bust. As many years are wet with tears As down my checkered way All I held true went up the flue And perished day by day; I've viewed with grief each pet belief Go crumbling into dust Till quite bereft there's nothing left But Mae West's bust. The world is nuts and filled with mutts Who should have died at birth; We're led by heels with no ideals And morons rule the earth; Our ancient creeds are crushed by greed, By graft and bunk and lust Till naught remains that's sure and sane But Mae West's bust. Nor friends nor fame remain the same And life's a hollow shell, I'm betting odds there are no gods, Nor Paradise nor Hell; No lucid laws, no Santa Claus; Injustice rules the just; In all life's range all models change But Mae West's bust. Though void of hope, still on I grope For something staunch and real, My slender faith a frazzled wraith, Yet seeking some ideal, Till wracked by care and black despair And glutted with disgust My heart would stop without the prop Of Mae West's bust. Then let us crown this matchless mound For the courage it instills; Oh noble shrine! Oh dome divine! Eternal as the hills; Serene and fair it rises there, One promise we can trust, One changeless thing to which we cling; Mae West's bust. ======== Date: Fri, 11 Jun 1993 10:21:00 CDT From: "PHARLAB@NOMVS.LSUMC.EDU" <PHARLAB@NOMVS.LSUMC.EDU> Subject: Jargon (some 'adult' language) and want ads Recevied from a friend who got them from a friend Here's a handy guide for those of you who have to deal with vendors, customers, or other divisions on the left coast. East Coast West Coast ---------- ---------- absolutely not maybe yes maybe action item by Feb 12 for joe Joe's working on the problem bozo subcontractor brawl design review dictator facilitator do it and do it now can you sign up for this program? do it right or you're fired I'm confident you'll get it done fuck off trust me follow the spec is there a spec? get out of my office let's get concensus on this one he's a jerk he's not signed on to our plan he's a subordinate he's a team player I'll cover your ass consider me your resource ignore him, he's new I'm bringing him up to speed local bar offsite facility meet me in the parking lot let's take that discussion offline oh shit thanks for bringing that to my attention overdesigned robust punch his lights out constructive confrontation shut the fuck up thank you for your input shut up a minute let me share this with you that's totally incompetent let me build on that point unemployed consulting over budget on schedule under budget we haven't started yet we finished early (no translation available) we're done how do you feel about that? what's your problem? I certainly understand your feelings where's the spec? what's a spec? where's the schedule? what's the game plan? your plan sucks let me share my feelings on this plan ============= As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips: Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent. For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy. Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vagetables, salads, quiche. 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings. Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it. We build bodies that last a lifetime. Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last . This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens. For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything. Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required. Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play. Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. See ladies blouses. 50% off! Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204. Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty. Illiterate? Write today for free help. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Mother's helper--peasant working conditions. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $40.00. And these beauties from the radio: Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure. Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction. When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after. Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration. ------------------------------------------------- 15