Current Shareware 1994 January/SHAR194.ISO/jokes/elephanj.zip/ELEPHANT

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Article 118126 of rec.humor:
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From: [e-mail]
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Canonical List of Elephant Jokes
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 2 Aug 93 06:08:13 GMT
Sender: [e-mail] (News Admin)
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Organization: top down of course
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Originator: [e-mail]

Canonical List of Elephant Jokes
================================

Revised: 06 April 1993

Mini Table of Contents
1) Introduction
2) PS
3) Non-QA Jokes (40)
4) QA Jokes (not counted yet)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
INTRODUCTION
------------

In the imortal words of "[e-mail] (The Shadow)"
Yeah, yeah, elephant jokes are stupid, but when under the influence of
cheap beer and even cheaper tequilla, they can be pretty amusing.

This list has been generated from my own collection, as well as the lists
of "The Shadow" and "[e-mail]".

Each joke is separated by a line with "==", and each is numbered for
easier reference.

There are may similar jokes included here, and I will try to tidy them up
before the next posting.

WARNING: some of these jokes are considered "semi-x-rated"
         please take this into consideration when distributing this list
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
PS
--

PS.  If you have any more jokes to add to this list, please send them to me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
NON-QA JOKES
------------

[1]
There was an old man in France who used to get up every morning
at five A.M. He would then go and sprinkle a white powder on
the roads.

When he was asked what he was sprinkling on the roads, he answered
that it was elephant powder.

The person then remarked "But everybody knows that there are no elephants
in France!" to which he answered "I guess it must be working then!"
==

[2]
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided
to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer.  The game was going well with
the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained
posession.

The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal
when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant
trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.

The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing?
Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"

The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just
trying to trip him up."
==

[3]
There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know
why.  Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it.  He'd never seen an elephant
jump with all 4 feet off the ground.  So he started a contest: entry was
$10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet
off the ground would get $50,000.

All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump.
Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine.  He's carrying a
baseball bat.  He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches
the elephants balls pretty badly.  Needless to say, the elephant jumps,
and the owner pays out the $50,000.

Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize,
so he ran another contest.  He'd never seen an elephant swing its head
back and forth as if to say, "no."  Same deal as before: $10 per entry,
$50,000 prize.  Lots of people try and fail.

Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat,
and walks up to the elephant.  He says, "Remember me?"

The elephant nods yes.

The man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this again?"

The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no....
==

[4]
Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere.  Not
too many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good
gimmick to get people to come.  It so happened he was watching T.V. at
the time and the parade for the circus was on.  As the elephants went
by he remembered reading somewhere that elephants don't laugh.

He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant.  It
just so happen that there was an elderly elephant bull that the circus
was planning to retire.  After agreeing on a price, the man bought the
elephant.

Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign reading:
"Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."

Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh, and
soon the jar was almost full.

Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, "I hear you
will give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000."

"Yeah, he's out back"

After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could
be heard coming from behind the bar.  Every one in the bar raced back
to see what was going on.  When they got there the elephant was
LAUGHING!!!  The man could not believe his eyes.  But, a bet was a
bet after all and he paid the stranger who had made the elephant
laugh.

A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing.  The bar owner
could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading:

"Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."

Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get the
elephant to stop laughing.  Finally the man who had gotten the
elephant to laugh in the first place walked in.  Upon seeing
the sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the
elephant from laughing.  Seeings as no one had, he once more went
back behind the bar to see the elephant.

In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar.  All
the patrons ran out to see what was up.  The elephant had huge tears
running down its cheeks.  Once again a bet was a bet and the bar
owner paid the man.  Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked
how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry.

"Easy." said the man, "When I first went back there I told him my dick
was bigger than his.  And now I just proved it."
==

[5]
A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged.  Well, this particular
procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.

Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant.
After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the
table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.
The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?".

Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly
disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't
believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"

With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to,
but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
==

[6]
An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her foot.
She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by.  So the elephant says,
"Help me, help me."

But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have his
wicked way with her. Replys the elephant, "Anything! Anything!"
So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy himself.

Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who witnessed the
whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently he fell out of the
tree on top of the elephant.

Says the elephant: "Ouch!"

Says the ant, in his own little frenzy: "Suffer BITCH, SUFFER!!!"

- similar joke below -

An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horsefly
kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it.
It was far out of reach.

A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak.
"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant.
"My, pleasure ma'am." said the sparrow.
"Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't
hesitate to ask."

The sparrow said, "Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck
an elephant."
"Be my guest!", said the elephant.

So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the trees
above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started to
masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting the
elephant on the head.
"OUCH!", said the elephant.

Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"

==

[7]
One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all
of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below.  When she landed,
she say this yellow frog.  Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he
was crying.

"Sniff.  None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games.
Boo hoo."

"Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic
wand, the frog turned green.  All happy now, the frog was checking himself
over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow.  He asked an embarrassed
witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just
couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him.  So
happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way.

Feeling quick happy about herself, the witch once more took to the skies,
and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort.
So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant.  The witch
asked him why he was crying.

"Sniff.  None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant
games.  Boo hoo."

Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic
looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking,
and that is just how the witch felt.  So once again, she waved her magic
wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey.

All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed
that his penis was still pink.  He asked an embarrassed witch about this,
and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but
if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him.

At this point, the elephant just started wailing.  "I don't know where the
wizard is", he sobbed.

"Oh that's easy.  Just follow the yellow pricked toad", said the good witch.
==

[9]
                PACHYDERMIC PERSONNEL PREDICTION
                        by Peter C. Olsen
                A bold new proposal for matching
             high-technology people and professions

    Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the
    right job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and
    millions of dollars in funding.  This is particularly true for
    high-technology organizations where talent is scarce and
    expensive.  Recently, however, years of detailed study by the
    finest minds in the field of psychoindustrial interpersonnel
    optimization have resulted in the development of a simple and
    foolproof test to determine the best match between personality
    and profession.  Now, at last, people can be infallibly assigned
    to the jobs for which they are truly best suited.

    The procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt
    elephants.  The subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then
    categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined
    below.  The subject should be assigned to the general job
    classification that best matches the observed behavior.

    CLASSIFICATION GUIDELINES
    Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out
    everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever
    is left.  Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the
    existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to
    step 1 as a subordinate exercise.  Professors of mathematics
    will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then
    leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an
    exercise for their graduate students.

    Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
    1. Go to Africa.
    2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
    3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
       alternately east and west.
    4. During each traverse pass,
       a. Catch each animal seen.
       b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
       c. Stop when a match is detected.

    Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a
    known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will
    terminate.  Assembly language programmers prefer to execute
    Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

    Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray
    animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs
    within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed
    elephant.

    Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if
    elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

    Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it
    an elephant.

    Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted
    anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise
    those people who do.  Operations research consultants can also
    measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the
    efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will
    only identify the elephants.

    Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the
    elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

    Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around
    arguing about who owns the droppings.  Software lawyers will
    claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of
    one dropping.

    Vice presidents of engineering, research, and development try
    hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent
    it.  When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the
    staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are
    completely prehunted before the vice president sees them.  If the
    vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will
    (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge
    itself to prevent any recurrence.

    Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the
    assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with
    deeper voices.
    Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for
    mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

    Sales People don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling
    elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the
    season opens.  Software sales people ship the first thing they
    catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.  Hardware
    sales people catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as
    desktop elephants.

    VALIDATION
    A validation survey was conducted about these rules.  Almost all
    the people surveyed about these rules were valid.  A few were
    invalid, but they expected to recover soon.  Based on the survey,
    a statistical confidence level was determined.  Ninety-five
    percent of the people surveyed have at least 67 percent
    confidence in statistics.

    ACKNOWLEDGMENT
    This study has benefited from the suggestions and observations of
    many people, all of whom would prefer not to be mentioned by
    name.

==

[10]
Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a
cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks.  But because the
experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they
decided to have a go.  A week after the experiment had started they began to
realize WHY the idea had never been tried, they were stuck for someone to
pull the cork out.

One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to
do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once
a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go.  The big day arrived,
they set up all the monitoring equipment and set out to a safe distance.

The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the
third went 3 miles.  When they were all ready the first scientist pushed
the button to sound the buzzer.

BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!

The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second
(2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to
his waist.  When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they
noticed that he was in fits of laughter.

"What the %$*& is so funny?" asked one of the scientist.

"You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!!!"

==

[11]
This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle.
And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The
elephant is stuck in this pit and realises that he is going to die,
so naturally he start to scream. By chance a chicken hears the screaming
of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck
in the pit and shouts to the elephant: "Dont worry, I am going to
save you". The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle.

The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his *Red Porsche*. He throws
a rope from the Porche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself
and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant
is saved (loud applause).

So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that
he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be
in mortal danger).

As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking thru'
the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over
and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh)
The elephant shouts "Don't worry chicken I will save you". So the
elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too
small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this the
elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also is too small.
As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his his penis.
Sucess! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs
out to safety.

Moral of the story:
"If you have a big dick you don't need a red Porsche to pull a chick."

==

[12]
Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off
and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the
elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it
and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?"
His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk."
"No, at the other end."
"That son is the tail."
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant"
A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "Thats nothing."
The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied
with her answer asks his father the same question.
"Daddy, what is that long thing?"
"That's the trunk, son" replies the father.
"No at the other end."
"Oh, that is the tail."
"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.
"That is the elephants penis.  Why do you ask son?"
"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.
Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."

==

[13]
Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book    - The Sex Life of the Elephant
                 or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book   - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book     - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and
                     culture
                 or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book  - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book  - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book     - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book   - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book    - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book     - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went
                     With His Elephants
The Canadian book  - Elephants: A Federal or Provincial Issue?
The Swedish book   - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
==

[14]
Hickory Dickory Dock,
An elephant ran up the clock,
The clock is being repaired.
==

[15]
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of
marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
==

[16]
Don't call an elephant, he may come!
==

[17]
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance.  Next morning the ant
wakes up and the elephant is dead.  "Damn", says the ant, "one night
of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
==

[18]
Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest
animal to roam the lands.  Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of
bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits.  Madam, please don't
stand near the elephant's backside.... Madam, PLEASE don't stand near the
elephant's backside ... MADAM ... MADAM ..., too late;  George, dig her out.
==

[19]
Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants.
It's done on a very high level.
There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.
And it takes two years to get any results.
==

[20]
It says in a book that more than 6000 elephants go each year to make
piano keys!
Isn't it amazing what elephants can be trained to do!?
==

[21]
There was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great
   (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).

Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey
and roared at him:
  "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
And this poor quaking little monkey replied:
  "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."

A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
  "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer:
  "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."

The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly
munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
  "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"

Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a
blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a
nearby tree.

The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
  "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have
   to get so pissed."
==

[22]
A woman went to see a psychiatrist and complained, "Doctor, my husband
thinks he's a magician."
"What's so bad about that?" the shrink asked.
"We're being sued.  A week ago my husband shoved a girl into a trunk
and sawed it in half."
"The girl's family is suing you?" the psychiatrist asked.
"No, the circus," the woman replied.  "The elephant bled to death."
==

[23]
My roommate got a pet elephant.  Then it got lost.  It's in the apartment
  somewhere.
(Faux Steven Wright Joke by Rod Schmidt)
==

[24]
An Elephant;  A Mouse built to government specifications.
==

[25]
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
==

[26]
Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom Boom.
==

[27]
Deep Thoughts
By Jack Handey
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world
is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding
on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
==

[28]
Telephone Joke:
 "Hello, this is your local Zoo speaking. Do you like animals? We are
 experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow
 us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower?"

 The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbour's bathroom is
 bigger and better equipped to handle elephants."
==

[29]
If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
  -- Zisla
==

[30]
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
  -- General Sedgwick's last words
==

[31]
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Elephants.
Elephants who?
Ella Fintzgerald!
==

[32]
In the jungle there was once this elephant and a snake. They had a bitter
rivalry about who was smarter. So the wise owl (who was their arbitrator) set
each of them a test. To the elephant he posed the problem of catching or
snookering the snake; the snake, on the other hand, had to surprise and
astound the elephant.

Next day the snake crept up on the elephant; and within a blink of an eye
slithered up the elephant's trunk. The snake wriggled and wriggled up the
trunk, into the esophegus, down into the stomach, through the intestines, and
a minute later popped out of the elephant's arse, and said 'BOO!'

The elephant, clearly astounded, asked the snake to do it again; this was
truly a remarkable feat, and wanted to make sure it wasn't a fluke.

So the snake wiped himself on some grass, and slithered once more up the
trunk, slipping and sliding through the elephant's digestive tract.

When the snake emerged a minute later, covered in shit, from the elephant's
rectum, the elephant shoved his trunk up his ass and said 'Snookered!'
==

[33]
As any physicist, engineer, mathematician etc.. will tell you,
an Elephant crossed with a Rhinocerous gives |Elephant||Rhinocerous| Sin(theta)!
==

[34]
ELETELEPHONY

once there was an elephant
who tried to be a telephant;
no no, I mean an elephone
who tried to be a telephone.
(Dear me I am not certain quite
that even now i've got it right)
how e'r it was he got his trunk
entangled in the telephunk
the more he tried to get it free,
the louder buzzed the telephee.
(i fear i'd better quit this song
of elehop and telephong.)
==

[35]
The Elephant, or so it seems,
Very rarely has wet dreams,
But when he does, He comes in streams,
Revelling in the joys of fornication.
==

[36]
A lady while dining at Crewe,
Found an elephant's whang in her stew,
Said the waiter,"don't shout, and don't wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too!!"
==

[37]
                   How to Catch a White Elephant
                   =============================
                 Submitted By Niels Kristian Jensen
                        <C838216 AT NEUVM1>

Go to an place where there are white elephants.  Bring with you a
muffin (with raisins).  Climb a tree.  When the white elephant is close,
drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it.  The white elephant will
be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins).  White elephants like
muffins (with raisins).  Repeat this procedure for five days in a row.

After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin
(with rasins).  The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you a muffin
without rasins.  Drop the muffin as usual.  When the white elephant finds
out that the muffin lacks rasins, it will darken in anger.

And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant.
==

[38]
The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book
on elephants.

The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the
    British Empire."

The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal
    Account."

The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the
    Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."

The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the
    Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"

Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than
    People"

The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of
    the Soviet Elephant"

And <fill-in random Eastern European Country> submited a poem "The Joy and
    Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."

But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but
    wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"
==

[39]
Once upon a time, bad King John raised a mighty army and set
out to conquer the known world.  After a series of
successful campaigns, the remaining kings realized that
their lone efforts would never prevail.  They had to band
together under the leadership of the best general they had -
"George-the-Turk".

George the Turk had promised that he would defeat bad King
John's army and would place him on a rack - in a public
display - so that no one would ever again try to conquer the
world.

While George the Turk was assembling his army and scouting
out bad King John, he also ordered his engineers to design
and build the largest rack here-to-fore made.  The rack was
then fitted with wheels and required 40 horses to pull it.
When all was ready, George the Turk set out to do battle.

Bad King John, who was camped by a river enjoying the spoils
of his latest victory, had not yet gotten word of George the
Turk's army.  George the Turk knew that his army must attack
quickly before Bad King John could prepare a defense.  But,
alas, the 40 horse team pulling the large rack could not
keep up with the troops.  George the Turk ordered more
horses to be teamed, but, still they lagged.  George the
Turk remembered that Hannibul was not too far away in the
mountains with a herd of elephants.  Elephants would be
better than horses for pulling the rack.  So, George the
Turk sent his second-in-command to Hannibul to rent enough
elephants for the job.  Hannibul agreed and also sent along
his best elephant handler.

This elephant handler quickly realized the importance of his
unique position in George the Turk's army and insisted that
he be given the title of "elephant engineer" and a huge pay
raise.  George the Turk agreed with the title and the pay
raise.

The rack, powered by elephants and driven by the "elephant
engineer" , kept pace with the rapidly moving army.

Late one night they arrived at the enemy camp by the river.
George the Turk deployed his troops to cut off any avenue of
escape and issued the order to attack at dawn - on his
command.  He also ordered the rack to be positioned on the
highest hill overlooking bad King John's camp.  This site
was the perfect spot to publically display bad King John -
to show the world what happens to anyone who dares to try to
conquer the world.

With dawn approaching George the Turk goes to the top of the
hill beside the rack so that everyone can see his command to
attack: when his sword drops ---ATTACK !!!!!

All is quiet.  The enemy camp is asleep.  Every man is
waiting for the signal.  The first ray of sunlight strikes
the helmet of George the Turk.  He draws his sword slowly
and holds it over his head.  The sunlight gleams off the
blade --- and scares the elephants that are hitched to the
rack.  They start trumpeting and rearing and the elephant
engineer can't control then.  He drops the reins and clings
onto the rack for dear life.  The rack breaks loose from the
team and starts rolling down the hill -- straight for the
enemy camp.

All this noise wakes bad King John.  He orders an aide to go
outside the tent to see what is the cause.  The aide takes a
hard look, comes back into the tent, and reports:

"As near as I can tell --
   It's a rambling rack from George the Turk with an elephant engineer" !!!
==

[40]
Two elephants - Harry & Faye
Couldn't kiss with their trunks in the way
So they boarded a plane
They're now kissing in Maine
Cause their trunks got sent to L.A.
==

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
QA JOKES
--------

Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.
==

Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.
==

Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.
==

Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow,
   grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!
==

Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
==

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck.
==

Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
==

Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.
==

Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.
==

Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.
==

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
==

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue,
   and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
==

Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue,
   and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
==

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!
==

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
==

Q: How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
A: He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree.

- similar joke -

Q: Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.
==

Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A native eating cherries.
==

Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries.
==

Q: What's the fastest thing in the jungle?
A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.
==

Q: How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree?
A: Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it.
==

Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
A: It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.
==

Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn (or wait for parachute practice.)
==

Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.
==

Q: What sound do monkeys hate most?
A: Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...
==

Q:  Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A:  Because it was dead.
==

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
==

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
==

Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
==

Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
A: An elephant's foreskin.
==

Q: Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
A: When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.
==

Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.
==

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.
==

Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)
==

Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?
A: You can't get the toilet seat down.
==

Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.
==

Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.
==

Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open
   the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.
==

Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagon bug?
A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back
==

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.
==

Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.
==

Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.
==

Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a VW bug parked outside it.
==

Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge.
   A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!
==

Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
A: Open door, get two VW's out, put tarzan in, close door.
==

Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
A: you can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO
==

Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly.  There is only one Tarzan!
==

Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.
==

Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number of elephants.
==

Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?
A: The sun roof.
==

Q: The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all
   of them showed up except the elephants.  Why?
A: They were stuck in the VW bug.
==

Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
A: None, the elephants are in there!
==

Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!
==

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.
==

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.
==

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the girrafe!
==

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: It's bike is outside.
==

Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.
==

Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
==

Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
==

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.
==

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
==

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.
==

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Elephino.
==

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
==

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.
==

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
==

Q: How do you get 1,000 elephants into a shopping cart at Safeway.
A: To get the answer, you'd better get the 'S' out of Safe and the
   'F' out of the way.
==

Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries?
A. They're both blue, except for the elephant.
==

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."
==

Q: What did Jane say?
A: Here come the blueberries. (Jane was color blind)
==

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming
   over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
==

Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons
   tons of bananas,.....
==

Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.
==

Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?
A: Parachute him from an airplane.
==

Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants are skydiving.
==

Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.
==

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamp out forest fires.
==

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From stamp out flaming ducks.
==

Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?
A: To fit on lily pads.
==

Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.
==

Q: Whay are frogs so short?
A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.
==

Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
==

Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
==

Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They can't tell time.
==

Q: What is that stuff between elephants toes?
A: Watchless natives.
==

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: 5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)
==

Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
==

Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No?  Well, it must work.
==

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street
   wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.
==

Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
A: She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.
==

Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.
==

Q. Why do elephants have four feet?
A. Because lady elephants have big twats.
==

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.

Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
A: Because sheep don't have strings.
==

Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Snakes.
==

Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?
A: Epileptic pigmies.
==

Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?
A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
==

Q: What is an elephant's sex organ?
A: His foot... If he steps on you you're FUCKED!
==

Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatoligist.
==

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
==

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.
==

Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?
A: "Can I be on top this time?"
==

Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?
==

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
==

Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant?
A: Wipe it off!
==

Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
A: None of the offspring survived.
==

Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying
   down in tall grass?
A: VERY attractive.
==

Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?
A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!
==

Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).
==

Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".
==

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
A: Cos(Theta)       Note: Assumes |elephant| = |grape| = 1
==

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
A: Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.
==

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.
==

Q: What's grey and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant.
==

Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A: Swim for your life!!
==

Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?
A: To trip low flying canaries.
==

Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
A: He wasn't laying on his back.
==

Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears?
A: Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.
   (somebody want to explain this for me?)
==

Q: Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?
A: Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.
==

Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.
==

Q: Whats that red stuff between elephants toes?
A: Slow pygmies.
==

Q: How can you tell when elephants have been making love in your back yard?
A: The fence is broken and one of your Hefty bags is gone.
==

Q: What do you do when you see a thousand elephants coming down the
   mountain slopes?
A: Swim for your life!
==

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
A: A dead ant.
==

Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.
==

Q: What does an elephant with a runny nose (trunk) need?
A: A blow job.
==

Q: How do you make an elephant fly?
A: Start with a 3 foot zipper.
==

Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
A: An elephant with spare parts
==

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: To pick up the squashed chicken.
==

Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of
   your car?
A: Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!
==

Q: What is more difficult than getting 2 elephants in the back seat of
   your car?
A: Getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car!!
==

Q: Whats more difficult than gettiny a pregnant elephant in the back seat
   of your car?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of your car!
==

Q: What is the height of ambition?
A: An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.
==

Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant.
==

Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Garbage bags!
==

Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
A: You miss most of the picture!
==

Q: Why do pygmies wear giant condoms on their heads?
A: Because if an elephant steps on them, they're fucked!
==

Q: What did one elephant say to the other elephant when he realized he'd
   stepped on a pygmie?
A: Look what I just stepped in!
==

Q: What do elephants use for slippers?
A: Sheep!
==

Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.
==

Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: No? See, it works!!!
==

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rat?
A: A dead rat with an 18 inch asshole!
==

Q: What's big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees?
A: Elephant boogers.
==

Q: How many elephants can you fit into a Dodge?
A: 5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.
==

Q: How do you know when an Elephant has  been in the baby carriage?
A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead!
         (damn elephants get into everything!)
==

Q. What's the difference between a little moron and an elephant?
A. About 20 pounds, but the elephant's gaining!
==

Q: How do you tell if there's an elephant under your bed?
A: Your nose touches the ceiling.
==

Q:  What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?!?
A:  Silly, a mountain climber is a scaler and you can't cross a vector
    with a scalar!
==

Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.
==

Q: What do you do with a elephant with 3 balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the bear
==

Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
A: About 40 lbs.

Q: How do you equalize the two?
A: Feed the elephant.
(From the "Canonical List of Sorority Girl Jokes")
==

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?
A: The 'Elephino!
==

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and an orangutan?
A: One dead ape with two-foot stretch marks.
==

Q: How dow you get an elephant to come in a thimble?
A: Stuff a bale of hay in it.
==

Q: How do you stuff a bale of hay in a thimble?
A: One straw at a time.
==

Q: What has 2 greay legs and 2 brown legs?
A: An elephant with diarrhea.
==
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

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