A fundamental truth about self-esteem is that it needs to come from within. When
self-esteem is low, the deficiency creates a feeling of emptiness which you may try
to fill by latching on - often compulsively - to something external that provides a
temporary sense of satisfaction and fulfillment. When the quest to fill your inner
emptiness by appropriating something from outside becomes desperate, repetitive, or
automatic, you have what is called an addiction. Broadly defined, addiction is an
attachment to something or someone outside yourself that you feel you need to
provide a sense of inner satisfaction or relief.
A healthy alternative is to work on building your self-esteem. Growing in self-esteem
means developing confidence and strength from within. While still enjoying life fully,
you no longer need to appropriate or identify with something or someone outside
yourself to feel O.K. The basis for your self-worth is internal. As such, it is much
more lasting and stable.
WAYS TO BUILD SELF-ESTEEM
There are many pathways to self-esteem. It is not something that develops overnight
or as a result of any single insight, decision, or modification in your behavior. Self-
esteem is built gradually through a willingness to work on a variety of areas in your
life:
. Taking care of Yourself
. Developing Support and Intimacy
. Other Pathways to Self-Esteem
Most fundamental to your self-esteem is your willingness and ability to take care of
yourself. This means first that you can recognize your basic needs as a human being
and then do something about meeting them. Taking care of yourself also involves
cultivating a relationship with that part of yourself known as the "inner child." Your
inner child is a place deep inside that is the origin of your needs. It is the playful,
spontaneous, and creative side of you -- yet it also carries any emotional pain, fear,
or sense of vulnerability you acquired from your childhood. By becoming a good
parent to your own inner child now, you can overcome the limitations and deficiencies
of your upbringing years ago. A popular saying these days aptly states "It's never too
late to have a happy childhood."
TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF
Some Causes of Low Self-Esteem
What are some of the childhood circumstances that can lead you to grow up with
feelings of insecurity or inadequacy?
1. Overly Critical Parents
Parents who were constantly critical or set impossibly high standards of behavior
may have left you feeling guilty; that somehow you could "never be good
enough." As an adult, you will continue to strive for perfection to overcome a
long-standing sense of inferiority. You may also have a strong tendency toward
self-criticism.
2. Significant Childhood Loss
If you were separated from a parent as a result of death or divorce, you may have
been left feeling abandoned. You may have grown up with a sense of emptiness
and insecurity inside that can be restimulated very intensely by loss of people in
your adult life. As an adult, you may seek to overcome old feelings of
abandonment by overdependency on a particular person or other addictions to
food, drugs, work, or whatever works to cover the pain.
3. Parental Abuse
Physical and sexual abuse are extreme forms of deprivation. They may leave you
with a complex mix of feelings, including inadequacy, insecurity, lack of trust,
guilt, or rage. Adults who were physically abused as children may become
perpetual victims or may themselves develop a hostile posture toward life,
victimizing others. Adults -- especially men -- who were sexually abused as
children sometimes express their rage inward in deep feelings of self-loathing and
inadequacy. Survivors of abusive childhoods often, and understandably, have
difficulty with intimate relationships in their adult lives. While less flagrant,
constant verbal abuse can have equally damaging effects.
4. Parental Alcoholism or Drug Use
Much has been written in recent years on the effects of parental alcoholism on
children. Chronic drinking or substance abuse creates a chaotic, unreliable family
atmosphere in which it is difficult for a child to develop a basic sense of trust or
security. The attendant denial of the problem, often by both parents, teaches the
child to deny his or her own feelings and pain connected to the family situation.
Many such children grow up with poor self-esteem or a poor sense of personal
identity. Fortunately, support groups are presently available to help adult children
of alcoholics heal the adverse effects of their past.
5. Parental Neglect
Some parents, because they are preoccupied with themselves, their work, or
other concerns, simply fail to give their children adequate attention and nurturing.
Children left to their own devices often grow up feeling insecure, worthless, and
lonely. As adults, they may have a tendency to discount or neglect their own
needs.
6. Parental Rejection
Even without physical, sexual, or verbal abuse, some parents impart a feeling to
their children that they are unwanted. This profoundly damaging attitude teaches
a child to grow up doubting his or her very right to exist. Such a person has a
tendency toward self-rejection or self-sabotage. It remains possible for adults
with such a past to overcome what their parents didn't give them through learning
to love and care for themselves.
7. Parental Overprotectiveness
The child who is overprotected may never learn to trust the world outside of the
immediate family and risk independence. As an adult, such a person may feel
very insecure and afraid to venture far from a safe person or place. Through
learning to acknowledge and care for their own needs, overprotected individuals
can gain the confidence to make a life of their own and discover that the world
is not such a dangerous place.
8. Parental Overindulgence
The "spoiled" child of overindulgent parents is given insufficient exposure to
"deferred gratification" or appropriate limits. As adults, such people tend to be bored,
lack persistence, or have difficulty initiating and sustaining individual effort. They tend
to expect the world to come to them rather than taking responsibility for creating their
own lives. Until they are willing to take personal responsibility, such people feel
cheated and very insecure because life does not continue to provide what they learned
to expect during childhood.
Do any of the above categories seem to fit you? Does more than one? You may
initially find it difficult to acknowledge problems in your past. Our memory of
childhood is often hazy and indistinct -- especially when we do not want to recall what
actually happened. The point of remembering and acknowledging what happened to
you as a child is not so that you blame your parents. Most likely, your parents did the
best they could with their available personal resources, which may have been severely
limited as a result of deprivations they experienced with their parents. The purpose
of remembering your past is to release it and rebuild your present. Old "tapes" or
patterns based on fear, guilt, or anger will tend to interfere with your present life and
relationships until you can identify and release them. Once you acknowledge and
ultimately forgive your parents for what they are unable to give you, you can truly
begin the journey of learning to care for yourself. In essence, this means becoming
a good parent to yourself.
The balance of this section will consider three important ways in which you can learn
to take better care of yourself:
1. Acknowledging and meeting your basic needs
2. Discovering and cultivating a relationship with your inner child
3. Making time for small acts of self-nurturing on a daily basis
Your Basic Needs: Acknowledging and Meeting Them
Basic human needs conjures an association with shelter, clothing, food, water, sleep,
oxygen, and so on -- in other words, what human beings require for their physical
survival. It was not until the last few decades that higher-order psychological needs
were identified. While not necessary for survival, meeting these needs is essential to
your emotional well-being and a satisfying adjustment to life. The psychologist
Abraham Maslow proposed five levels of human needs, with three levels beyond basic
concerns for survival and security. He arranged these levels into a hierarchy, as
follows:
Self-Actualization Needs (fulfillment of your potential in life, wholeness)
Esteem Needs (self-respect, mastery, a sense of accomplishment)
Belongingness and Love Needs (support and affection from others, intimacy, a
sense of belonging)
Safety Needs (shelter, stable environment)
Physiological Needs (food, water, sleep, oxygen)
In Maslow's scheme, taking care of higher-level needs is dependent on having
satisfied lower-level needs. It's difficult to satisfy belongingness and esteem needs
if you've starving. On a subtler level, it's difficult to fulfill your full potential if you're
feeling isolated and alienated for lack of having met needs for love and belongingness.
Writing in the sixties, Maslow estimated that the average American satisfied perhaps
90 percent of physiological needs, 70 percent of safety needs, 50 percent of love
needs, 40 percent of esteem needs, and 10 percent of the need for self-actualization.
Although Maslow defined esteem narrowly in terms of a sense of accomplishment and
mastery, I believe that self-esteem is dependent on recognizing and taking care of all
of your needs.
How do you recognize what your needs are? How many of the following important
human needs are you aware of?
1. Physical safety and security
2. Financial security
3. Friendship
4. The attention of others
5. Being listened to
6. Guidance
7. Respect
8. Validation
9. Expressing and sharing your feelings
10. Sense of belonging
11. Nurturing
12. Physically touching and being touched
13. Intimacy
14. Sexual expression
15. Loyalty and Trust
16. A sense of accomplishment
17. A sense of progress toward goals
18. Feeling competent or masterful in some area
19. Making a contribution
20. Fun and play
21. Sense of freedom, independence
22. Creativity
23. Spiritual awareness -- connection with a "Higher Power"
24. Unconditional love
Now go back over the list carefully and ask yourself how many of these needs you are
actually getting fulfilled at this time. In what areas do you come up short? What
concrete steps can you take to better satisfy those needs. Going dancing or to a
movie tonight will help in a small way with your need for fun and play. The point is
that learning to take care of yourself involves being able to 1) recognize and 2) meet
your basic needs as a human being. The above list may give you ideas on areas of
your life that need more attention. Use the following chart to plan what you will
actually do in the next month about five (or more) of your needs that could be better
met.
Need What I'm willing to do in the next month to better meet this
need.
Cultivating a Relationship with Your Inner Child
The concept of the inner child - the childlike part of yourself - has been around for
many decades. The psychologist Carl Jung referred to it as the "divine child," while
the religious thinker Emmet Fox called it the "wonder child." But what is it? How
would you recognize your own child within? Some characteristics of the inner child
include:
. That part of you which feels like a little girl or boy.
. That part of you which feels and expresses your deepest emotional needs for
security, trust, nurturing, affection, touching, and so on.
. That part of you which is alive, energetic, creative, and playful (much as real
children are when left free to play and be themselves).
. Finally, that part of you that still carries the pain and emotional trauma of your
childhood. Strong feelings of insecurity, loneliness, fear, anger or guilt - even
if triggered by present circumstances - belong to the inner child. Actually
there are very few new feelings. Especially when they are strong, most of our
feelings reflect ways we reacted or failed to react a long time ago as a child.
How do you feel about the little child within you? If you are willing to allow the little
girl or boy inside some freedom of expression, you'll find it easier to be more playful,
fun-loving, spontaneous, and creative. You'll find it natural to give and receive
affection, to be vulnerable, and to trust. You'll be in touch with your feelings and free
to grow. On the other hand, to the extent that you suppress and deny your inner
child, you will likely find it difficult to be playful or have fun. You may tend to be
conventional and conforming and act out painful patterns repeatedly. You may feel
constricted and inhibited, unable to let go and expand. It will be hard to be vulnerable
or trusting, hard to give and receive affection. Finally, you will likely be out of touch
with your feelings, inclined to be overly logical or overly in need of keeping everything
under tight control.
How can you bring out and cultivate a healthy relationship with your inner child? In
my experience there are four steps to this process:
1. Overcoming attitudes of criticism, rejection, and/or denial of your child within
2. "Bringing out" your inner child
3. Re-evaluating negative feeling states in terms of positive needs of your inner
child
4. Nurturing your inner child on a daily basis
1. Overcoming Negative Attitudes Toward Your Inner Child
A basic truth is that you tend to treat your own inner child in much the same way that
your parents treated you as a child. For better or worse, you internalize your parents'
attitudes and behaviors. If they were overly critical toward you, you likely grew up
overly self-critical, especially of your "childish" or less rational, impulsive side. If they
neglected you, you likely grew up tending to ignore or neglect the needs of your own
inner child. If they were too busy for you as a child, you're likely to be too busy for
your inner child as an adult. If they abused you, you may have become self-
destructive as an adult or else may be abusive of others. If your parents placed a
taboo on acknowledging and expressing your feelings and impulses, you may have
grown up denying your feelings. The list goes on. To cultivate a healing, caring
relationship with your own inner child - to become a good parent to yourself - you
need to overcome any internalized parental attitudes that cause you to criticize, abuse,
neglect, or deny the needs and feelings of your child within.
2. Bringing Out Your Inner Child
While learning to overcome negative patterns internalized from your parents, you may
wish to begin cultivating a closer relationship with your inner child. It's useful to
begin this even before you work through all of the limitations you've imposed on your
child within. There are a number of good ways to go about doing this, including
1) visualizations, 2) writing a letter to your inner child, 3) using photos as a reminder,
and 4) real-life activities which give your inner child expression. You may be surprised
to find that caring for your own inner child is a lot less time and energy-consuming
than bringing up a real one!
Visualization
Below is a detailed visualization to help you foster a closer relationship with your own
inner child. Put this visualization on tape, pausing for a few moments between each
sentence and for 10-20 seconds when the instructions say "Pause." You can do this
yourself, or find a friend whose voice you like to prerecord the script for you. Make
sure that you give yourself 10-15 minutes to deeply relax before beginning the
visualization, since your capacity to remember and see yourself as a child will be
greatly enhanced by deep relaxation. (You can use progressive muscle relaxation,
meditation, or any deep-relaxation technique you wish.)
Healing Your Inner Child
Imagine sitting down in a rocking chair and getting very comfortable. Feel yourself
rocking easily back and forth. As you continue rocking, you might find yourself
starting to drift ... drifting more and more. Rocking back and forth you might find
yourself gently drifting back into time. Rocking gently and drifting ... slowly drifting
back into time. Year by year you might imagine yourself getting younger and younger.
The years are going by ... back through the 1980s ... back through the 1970s ...
Gently drifting back ... feeling younger and younger. Back into time long ago. Drifting
back to a time where you were perhaps very young. You're imagining now that you
can see the little child you were a long time ago. Very soon you can imagine seeing
yourself as a little child. Perhaps you can see her (him) there now. What does she
look like? What is she wearing? About how old is she? Can you see where she is?
Indoors or outdoors? Can you see what she's doing? Perhaps you can see her face,
and, if you look carefully, you can see the expression in her eyes. Can you tell how
this little child is feeling right now? (Pause) As you look at this little girl, can you
recall anything that was missing in her life? Is there anything that kept her from being
fully happy? (Pause) If there was anyone or anything that got in the way of this little
girl being completely happy and carefree, perhaps you can imagine seeing that person
or situation. (Pause) If no one is there yet, perhaps you can imagine your dad or your
mom or whoever you would like standing in front of you right now. (Pause) What
does your little girl feel toward dad, mom, or whoever is standing in front of you right
now? ... Is there anything that your child would like to say to that person right now?
If so, it's O.K. to go ahead and say it right now ... you can go ahead and say it.
(pause) If your little child is feeling scared or confused about saying anything, imagine
that your present day, adult self enter the scene right now and goes up and stands
next to your little child. (Pause) Now when you're ready, imagine your adult self,
standing next to your little child, speaking up to whoever is there on your little child's
behalf. Your adult self can say whatever she wants. Tell your parent - or whoever
is there - whatever you need to say ... whatever it was that never got expressed.
(Pause 30 seconds or longer) If you wish, you might complete the sentence "How do
you think it makes me feel that ..." (Pause 20 seconds or longer) Or you might
complete the sentence "I wish you had ..." (Pause 20 seconds or longer) Tell your
parent or whoever is there anything you wish they had done, but they didn't. When
you speak up, speak loud and clear so you can be sure that whoever is there really
hears you. (Pause 20 seconds or longer) Does the person you're facing have any
response? Listen to see if they have a response. (Pause 20 seconds or longer) If so,
you can respond to what they say. If not, you can just finish what you need to say.
(Pause) When you're finished speaking, you can ask whoever is there to either go
away and leave you alone ... or to go away for a while until you're ready to talk again
... or else to stay ... and you're going to accept them as they are and give them a hug.
(Pause)
Now go back and see your present-day, adult self standing next to your little child.
(Pause) If you're willing, pick that little girl up in your arms this very second and love
her. Wrap your arms around her and tell her that it's O.K. Tell her that you know
how she feels. Tell her that you understand. You're here and you're going to help her
and you love her very much. (Pause) If you could give a color to the love you feel,
what color comes to mind? (Pause) Surround your little child with a light of that color
and let her feel the peace of being in your arms. (Pause) Tell her that you think she's
a great little girl ... that you love the way she talks, walks, laughs ... and does
everything. Tell her that you care and that she's precious ... (Pause 30 seconds or
longer)
Optional: Now sit your child on your lap and talk to her. She's got a good mind, and
if someone would only explain things, she would understand. Tell her that because
of the problems mom and dad had in their own childhood, they couldn't care for her
and love her in the way she deserved to be loved. It wasn't that they didn't want to
love her ... it was because of their own difficulties that they couldn't love her the way
she wanted. This little child simply needs someone to explain to her ... nobody ever
explained to her about the problems her parents had when they were growing up.
(Pause) Can your little child understand that because of their problems, mom and dad
weren't able to love or take care of her in the way she truly deserved? Is your little
child ready to forgive mom and dad for what happened? (Pause) If she's not ready
right now, perhaps she'll be ready later. If she is ready now, go ahead and picture
mom and dad standing in front of you. (Pause) Now tell them, in whatever way you
wish, that you forgive them. You're willing to forgive them for their shortcomings
because you know that their own problems interfered with their being the best parents
they could. Go ahead and forgive them now ... (Pause 30 seconds or longer).
Write a Letter to Your Inner Child
After having done the preceding visualization or as a result of looking at photos of
yourself as a child, you may wish to write a letter to your inner child. You can tell
your child about 1) how you feel about her or him 2) how you feel about what
happened to her or him as a child, 3) how you would like to get to know her or him
better, and 4) what you would like to learn from her or him. When you've completed
this letter, open your mind and see if you can take the role of the little child. Then
write a child's letter back to your adult self, saying how you feel about your adult self
and what you would like from her or him. You might even try using child's
handwriting for this letter to help get more in touch with how your little child feels.
You will be surprised at how well this works in opening up communication between
your adult and inner child "selves." Here is an example of such a letter from an adult
to her inner child.
Dear Little Child,
I have long wanted to reach back in time to tell you how much I love you and
how much I want to protect you from all the pain and suffering you've been going
through. You're much too small and vulnerable to be facing such pain by
yourself. I want you to know that you'll have me beside you from now on, and
whenever you're frightened you can run to me. I'll be there to hold you and
comfort you and protect you.
I know that seeing your daddy lose his temper is very, very frightening. He makes
as much noise as he can, and sometimes he hits your mommy or your brother.
He doesn't hit you and in a way this just makes you feel guilty. It makes it seem
as if you're on his side, and that every time he hits one of them, it's your fault
too.
I wish you could tell me more about how you feel, about yourself, your daddy,
your mommy, and your brother. I think that a lot of things have happened to you
that you just can't remember - either because they didn't make sense at the time
or they were just too horrible to remember. It's hard to remember things that
don't have any pictures, words, or even concepts attached to them - it's like
trying to remember dreams.
As you remember more, I'll be able to understand more about who I am and how
I act and what I feel. I know that it's painful trying to remember, and I want you
to know how grateful I am to you for trying. Remember that from now on we'll
always be there for each other.
Love,
(sign your name)
Photographs
Carry a photo of yourself as a child in your purse or wallet and take it out periodically
as a reminder of your child within. Reflect on what was going on and how you felt
in your life around the time the photo was taken. After a week or so with one photo,
pick another from another age and repeat the process.
Real-Life Activities
A number of real-life activities can foster increased awareness of and closeness to
your inner child. Spending 10 minutes daily doing any of the following may help:
. Hugging a teddybear or stuffed animal
. Going to a children's playground and using the swings or other playground
equipment
. Playing with your own child as if you were a peer rather than an adult
. Having an ice-cream cone
. Going to the zoo
. Climbing a tree
. Engaging in any other activity you enjoyed as a child
Try to get into the spirit of being a child as you do any of the above. Your feelings
in doing so will tell you a lot about your attitude toward your own inner child.
3. Re-evaluate Negative Feelings as Positive Needs of Your Inner Child
If you were to encounter a small child who appeared scared, confused, or abandoned,
you would likely do everything in your power to nurture and comfort her. Yet how do
you treat yourself when you feel insecure, scared, lonely, abandoned, or otherwise
needy? Too often we simply deny these feelings; or else we become critical or
rejecting toward ourselves for having them. One of the most profound
transformations you can make along the road to greater self-esteem is re-perceiving
feelings of insecurity and inadequacy as pleas for attention from your inner child rather
than as signs of weakness to be gotten rid of. You will heal yourself faster by
acknowledging and nurturing the needy child behind your negative feeling states
instead of trying to push away your inner child's needs.
The next time you feel frightened, insecure, inadequate, vulnerable, or angry,
frustrated, and fed up, try asking yourself "What is the need behind this feeling?
What is it that my inner child needs right now?" Then take the time to give your child
within the attention, caring, or nurturing she or he needs, and you'll be surprised how
much better you feel.
Learning to re-perceive negative feelings as pleas for attention from your inner child
will transform your life and contribute greatly to your self-esteem. This is what
"becoming a good parent to yourself" is all about.
Examples of Disguised Pleas for Help from Your Inner Child
You've just come home from a hard day at work. You see yourself in the bathroom
mirror and you can't stand the way you look. Your make-up looks too heavy and it's
smeared besides. You look and feel like an old floozy. You begin to think, "What's
the use." You could choose to sink into a depression, but instead you ask your inner
child what she wants at that very moment. Instead of fixing your make-up, you
decide to fill the bathtub with warm bubbly water. You feel a little silly doing it, but
you put some bath-toys in the tub with you - a little rubber ducky and a child's teapot.
You had similar tub-toys when you were a child. You soak in the warm water and
play with the toys, pouring pretend cups of tea and making the duck talk, just as you
did when you were little. You stay in the tub as long as you feel like it, letting your
fingertips and toes get wrinkled like prunes. When you look in the mirror again, you
look pink and warm. You feel more forgiving of the way you look -- after all, you've
had a hard day!
You've spent two hours preparing a special meal for your sister, who was coming over
to spend the evening with you. But at the last minute she calls and says she can't
come because she's not feeling well. You suspect it's because she's been asked out
on a date. Suddenly you feel a mixture of sadness and anger. You could indulge in
these negative feelings, but instead you ask what your inner child needs. Instead of
getting angry and throwing the food away, you decide to pretend that you're your
own guest of honor, and you've just prepared this beautiful meal for yourself. You
make yourself a paper tiara and sit at the head of the table between two candles.
Several times during the meal, you raise your glass and make toasts to yourself. You
eat slowly, enjoying every bite and noticing the texture, color, and taste -- after all,
you're in a good position to appreciate it. At the end of the meal, you thank yourself
for providing such splendid company.
4. Nurturing Your Inner Child on a Daily Basis
How do you go about caring for and nurturing you child within? Earlier we discussed
recognizing and meeting 25 basic human needs. Meeting these needs would certainly
be a good start. If you were to meet all of those needs you would go a long way
toward developing a healthy relationship with your inner child. The exercises
described above for bringing out the inner child will also foster a closer and more
supportive relationship with this important part of yourself. Beyond this, there are
hundreds of small acts of self-nurturing that can serve to cultivate a more caring
relationship with yourself and ultimately a much improved sense of self-worth. Just
as you would offer gestures of caring and nurturing to deepen your relationship with
your spouse, child, or a friend you love, you can do the same for yourself. The final
part of this section on taking care of yourself presents a list of 51 small ways in which
you can nurture yourself on a daily basis.
Self-Nurturing Activities
The following list has been very helpful to many people. By performing at least one
or two items from the list every day, or anything else you find pleasurable, you will
grow in the important skill of becoming a good parent to yourself. You have nothing
to lose but your sense of insecurity and inadequacy - nothing to gain except increased
self-esteem.
1. Take a warm bath
2. Have breakfast in bed
3. Take a sauna
4. Get a massage
5. Buy yourself a rose
6. Take a bubble bath
7. Go to a pet store and play with the animals
8. Walk on a scenic path in a park
9. Visit a zoo
10. Have a manicure or pedicure
11. Stop and smell some flowers
12. Wake up early and watch the sunrise
13. Watch the sunset
14. Relax with a good book and/or soothing music
15. Go rent a funny video
16. Play your favorite music and dance to it by yourself
17. Go to bed early
18. Sleep outside under the stars
19. Take a "mental health day off" from work
20. Fix a special dinner just for yourself and eat by candlelight
21. Go for a walk
22. Call a good friend - or several good friends
23. Go out to a fine restaurant just with yourself
24. Go to the beach
25. Take a scenic drive
26. Meditate
27. Buy new clothes
28. Browse in a book or record store for as long as you want
29. Buy yourself a cuddly stuffed animal and play with it
30. Write yourself a love letter and mail it
31. Ask a special person to nurture you (feed, cuddle, and/or read to you)
32. Buy yourself something special that you can afford
33. Go see a good film or show
34. Go to the park and feed the ducks, swing on the swings, and so on
35. Visit a museum or another interesting place
36. Give yourself more time than you need to accomplish whatever you're
doing (let yourself dawdle)
37. Work on your favorite puzzle or puzzlebook
38. Go into a hot tub or jacuzzi
39. Record an affirmation tape
40. Write out an ideal scenario concerning a goal, then visualize it
41. Read an inspirational book
42. Write a letter to an old friend
43. Bake or cook something special
44. Go window shopping
45. Buy a meditation tape
46. Listen to a positive, motivational tape
47. Write in a special diary about your accomplishments
48. Apply fragrant lotion all over your body
49. Masturbate
50. Exercise
51. Sit and hold your favorite stuffed animal
DEVELOPING SUPPORT AND INTIMACY
While self-esteem is something we build within ourselves, much of our feeing of self-
worth is determined by our significant personal relationships. Others cannot give you
a feeling of adequacy and confidence, but their acceptance, respect, and validation
of you can reaffirm and strengthen your own positive attitude and feelings about
yourself. Self-love becomes narcissistic in isolation from others.
Let's consider four pathways to self-esteem that involve relationships with others:
1. Close friends and support
2. Intimacy
3. Boundaries
4. Assertiveness
Close Friends and Support
When surveys of human values have been done, many people rank close friends near
the top, along with career, a happy family life, and health. Each of us needs a support
system of at least two or three close friends in addition to our immediate family. A
close friend is someone you can deeply trust and confide in. It is someone who
comfortably accepts you as you are in all your moods, behaviors, and roles. And it
is someone who will stand by you no matter what is happening in your life. A close
friend allows you the opportunity to share your feelings and perceptions about your
life outside your immediate family. Such a person can help bring out aspects of your
personality that might not be expressed with your spouse, children, or parents. At
least two or three close friends of this sort, whom you can confide in on a regular
basis, are an essential part of an adequate support system. Such friends can help
provide continuity in your life through times of great transition such as moving away
from home, divorce, death of a family member, and so on.
How many close friends of the type just described do you have? If you don't have at
least two, what could you do to cultivate such friendships?
Intimacy
While some people seem content to go through life with a few close friends, most of
us seek a special relationship with one particular person. It is in intimate relationships
that we open ourselves most deeply and have the chance to discover the most about
ourselves. Such relationships help overcome a certain loneliness that most of us
would eventually feel - no matter how self-sufficient and strong we may be - without
intimacy. The sense of belonging that we gain from intimate relationships contributes
substantially to our feelings of self-worth. I want to reemphasize, however, that self-
worth cannot be derived entirely from someone else. A healthy intimate relationship
simply reinforces your own self-acceptance, and belief in yourself.
Much has been written on the topic of intimacy and on what ingredients contribute
to lasting intimate relationships. Some of the most important of these are listed below
(not in any rank order):
1. Common interests, especially leisure-time and recreational interests. (A few
differences in interests, though, can add some novelty and excitement.
2. A sense of romance or "magic" between you and your partner. This is an
intangible quality of attraction that goes well beyond the physical level. It's
usually very strong and steady in the first three to six months of a relationship.
The relationship then requires the ability to renew, refresh, or rediscover this
magic as it matures.
3. You and your partner need to be well matched in your relative needs for
togetherness versus independence. Conflict may arise if one of you has a much
greater need for freedom and "space" than the other, or if one of you has a need
for protection and coziness that the other doesn't want to provide. Some
partners may hold a double standard - in other words, they're unwilling to allow
you what they require for themselves (such as trust and freedom).
4. Mutual acceptance and support of each other's personal growth and change. It
is well known that when only one person is growing in a relationship, or feels
invalidated in their growth by the other, the relationship often ends.
5. Mutual acceptance of each other's fault and weaknesses. After the initial
romantic months of a relationship are over, each partner must find enough good
in the other to tolerate and accept the other's faults and weaknesses.
6. Regular expressions of affection and touching. An intimate relationship cannot
be healthy without both partners being willing to overtly express affection.
Nonsexual expressions such as hugging and cuddling are just as important as a
sound sexual relationship.
7. Sharing of feelings. Genuine closeness between two people requires emotional
vulnerability and a willingness to open up and share your deepest feelings.
8. Good communication. Entire books and courses are devoted to this subject.
While there are many different aspects to good communication, the two most
important criteria are that
. Both partners are genuinely willing to listen to each other, and
. Both are able to express their feelings and ask for what they want directly (as
opposed to complaining, threatening, demanding, and otherwise attempting
to manipulate the other to meet their needs.)
9. A strong sense of mutual trust. Each person needs to feel that they can rely on
the other. Each also trusts the other with their deepest feelings. A sense of trust
does not come automatically; it needs to be built over time and maintained.
10. Common values and a larger sense of purpose. An intimate relationship has the
best opportunity to be lasting when two people have common values in important areas of life such as friendships, education, religion, finances, sex, health, family
life, and so on. The strongest relationships are usually bound by a common
purpose that transcends the personal needs of each individual - for example,
raising children, running a business, or commitment to a spiritual idea.
How many of the above 10 characteristics are present in your intimate relationship?
Are there any, in particular, that you would like to work on?
Boundaries
Just as important as intimacy is the need for each of us to maintain appropriate
boundaries within both intimate and other relationships.
Boundaries simply mean that you know where you end and the other person begins.
You don't define your identity in terms of the other person. And above all, you don't
derive your sense of self-worth and self-authority by attempting to take care of,
rescue, change, or control the other person. In the past few years the terms "women
who love too much" and "co-dependency" have been used to define those people
who, because they lack a solid, internal basis of self-worth, attempt to validate
themselves through taking care of, rescuing, or simply pleasing another person. The
classic case of this is the person who attempts to organize his or her life around
"rescuing" an alcoholic or otherwise addicted spouse or close relative. But loss of
boundaries can occur in any relationship where you attempt to gain self-worth and
security by overextending yourself to take care of, control, rescue, or change someone
else. You own needs and feelings are set aside and discounted in the process. A
good indication of loss of boundaries is spending more time talking or thinking about
another's needs or problems than your own.
1. Going for help - giving up the idea you can handle it alone
2. Making recovery from co-dependency your highest priority
3. Finding a support group of peers who understand the problem
4. Developing a personal spiritual life where you can let go of self-will and rely on
a "Higher Power"
5. Learning to stop managing, controlling, or "running the life" of another or others
you love
6. Learning to let go of playing the game of "rescuer" and/or "victim" with the other
person
7. Facing and exploring your own personal problems and pain in depth
8. Cultivating yourself: developing a life of your own and pursuing your own
interests
9. Becoming "selfish," not in the unhealthy sense of egoism but instead putting your
well-being, your desires, your work, play, plans, and activities first instead of last
10. Sharing what you have learned with others
Another excellent book which carefully defined co-dependency and provides a series
of steps for overcoming the problem is Co-Dependent No More, by Melody Beattie.
Some of her recommendations include:
1. Practicing "detachment" - letting go of obsessively worrying about someone else.
2. Letting go of the need to control someone else - respecting that person enough
to know that he or she can take responsibility for his or her own life.
3. Taking care of yourself, which includes finishing up "unfinished business" from
your own past and learning to nurture and cherish the needy, vulnerable child
within.
4. Improving communication - learning to state what you want and to say no.
5. Dealing with anger - giving yourself permission to feel and express anger at loved
ones when you need to.
6. Discovering spirituality - finding and connecting with a Higher Power.
Is co-dependency an issue for you? Have you considered joining a support group
which focuses on co-dependency issues, such as Al-Anon or Co-Dependents
Anonymous?
Assertiveness
Cultivating assertiveness is critical to self-esteem. If you're unable to clearly get
across to others what you want or do not want, you will end up feeling frustrated,
helpless, and powerless. If you do nothing else, the practice of assertive behavior in
and of itself can increase your feeing of self-respect. Honoring your own needs with
other people in an assertive manner also increases their respect for you, and quickly
overcomes any tendency on their part to take advantage of you.
OTHER PATHWAYS TO SELF-ESTEEM
Body: physical well-being and body-image
Feelings: emotional self-expression
Mind: positive self-talk and affirmations for self-esteem
Whole Self: personal goals and a sense of accomplishment
Although these areas have been considered elsewhere in this workbook, they are
discussed briefly here for their relevance to self-esteem.
Physical Well-Being and Body Image
Physical health and a sense of personal wellness, vitality, and robustness comprise
one of the most important foundations of self-esteem. It's often difficult to feel good
about yourself when you're feeling physically weak, tired, or ill. Current evidence
points to the role of physiological imbalances - often caused by stress - in the genesis
of panic attacks, agoraphobia, generalized anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Upgrading your physical well-being will have a direct impact on your particular problem
with anxiety, as well as contribute substantially to your self-esteem. Relaxation,
exercise, and nutrition relate directly to physical well-being. The questionnaire below
is intended to give you an overview of how you are doing in this area.
Personal Wellness Questionnaire
1. Am I exercising for at least one-half hour three to five times per week?
2. Do I enjoy the exercise I do?
3. Do I give myself the opportunity to deeply relax each day through progressive
muscle relaxation, visualization, meditation, or some other relaxation method?
4. Do I give myself at least one hour of "down-time" or leisure time each day?
5. Do I manage my time so that I am not perpetually rushed?
6. Do I handle stress or do I feel that it has control of me?
7. Do I give myself solitary time for personal reflection?
8. Do I get at least seven hours of sleep every night?
9. Am I satisfied with the quality and quantity of my sleep?
10. Am I eating three solid meals each day, including a good-sized breakfast?
11. Am I minimizing my consumption of stress-producing foods (those containing
caffeine, sugar, salt, or processed "junk" foods)?
12. Do I take vitamin supplements on a regular basis to augment my diet - such as a
multiple vitamin tablet and extra vitamin-B complex and vitamin C when I'm under
physical or emotional stress?
13. Do I like my living environment? Is the place where I live comfortable and
relaxing?
14. Does smoking tobacco interfere with my physical well-being?
15. Does excessive use of alcohol or recreational drugs compromise my well-being?
16. Am I comfortable with my present weight? If not, what can I do about it?
17. Do I value my personal appearance through good hygiene, grooming, and dressing
in a way that feels comfortable and attractive?
18. Do I like my body and the way I appear?
Emotional Self-Expression
When you're out of touch with your feelings, it's hard to know who you are. You
tend to feel internally detached from yourself and often fearful. By identifying and
expressing the full range of your feelings, you can become better acquainted with your
unique needs, desires, and yearnings. Literally you begin to feel yourself - your whole
self - rather than talking around in a cloud of worried thoughts, fantasies, and
anticipations. Learning to own and express your feelings takes time, courage, and a
willingness to be vulnerable in the presence of others whom you trust.
Self-Talk and Affirmations for Self-Esteem
What you tell yourself, and your beliefs about yourself, contribute in an obvious and
literal way to your self-esteem. If you are feeling inadequate and powerless, it's very
likely because you believe that you are. By the same token, you can raise your self-
esteem simply by working on changing your self-talk and basic beliefs about yourself.
1. Disrupt the chain of negative thoughts with some method that diverts your
attention away from your mind and help you to be more in touch with your
feelings and body. Any of the following may work:
. Physical activity - for example, household chores or exercise
. Taking a walk outside
. Abdominal breathing
. Five minutes of progressive muscle relaxation
. Shouting "Stop!" aloud or silently
. Snapping a rubber band against your wrist
The point is to do something that slows you down and gives you a bit of distance
from your negative thoughts. It's difficult to counter negative self-talk when
you're tense and your mind is racing.
2. Challenge your negative self-talk with appropriate questioning, if necessary. Good
questions to raise with your Critic or Victim might be, "What's the evidence for
this?" "Is this always true?" or "Am I looking at both (or all) sides of this issue?"
3. Counter your negative inner dialogue with positive, self-supportive statements.
You may want to design your own positive statements specifically tailored to
refute your Critic's or Victim's statements one by one. Alternatively, you can
draw positive counterstatements from the following list of affirmations.
Affirmations for Self-Esteem
What I Am
I am lovable and capable.
I fully accept and believe in myself just the way I am.
I am a unique and special person. There is no one else quite like me in the entire
world.
I accept all the different parts of myself.
I'm already worthy as a person. I don't have to prove myself.
My feelings and needs are important.
It's O.K. to think about what I need.
It's good for me to take time for myself.
I have many good qualities.
I believe in my capabilities and value the unique talents I can offer the world.
I am a person of high integrity and sincere purpose.
I trust in my ability to succeed at my goals.
I am a valuable and important person, worthy of the respect of others.
Others perceive me as a good and likable person.
When other people really get to know me, they like me.
Other people like to be around me. They like to hear what I have to say and know
what I think.
Others recognize that I have a lot to offer.
I deserve to be supported by those people who care for me.
I deserve the respect of others.
I trust and respect myself and am worthy of the respect of others.
I now receive assistance and cooperation from others.
I'm optimistic about life. I look forward to and enjoy new challenges.
I know what my values are and am confident of the decisions I make.
I easily accept compliments and praise from others.
I take pride in what I've accomplished and look forward to what I intend to
achieve.
I believe in my ability to succeed.
I love myself just the way I am.
I don't have to be perfect to be loved.
The more I love myself, the more I am able to love others.
What I Am Learning
I am learning to love myself more every day.
I am learning to believe in my unique worth and capabilities.
I am learning to trust myself (and others).
I am learning to recognize and take care of my needs.
I am learning that my feelings and needs are just as important as anyone else's.
I am learning to ask others for what I need.
I am learning that it's O.K. to say no to others when I need to.
I am learning to take life one day at a time.
I am learning to approach my goals one day at a time.
I am learning to take better care of myself.
I am learning how to take more time for myself each day.
I am learning to let go of doubts and fear.
I am learning to let go of worry.
I am learning to let go of guilt (or shame).
I am learning that others respect and like me.
I am learning how to be more comfortable around others.
I am learning to feel more confident it________________________.
(name situation)
I am learning that I have a right to__________________________.
(specify)
I am learning that it's O.K. to make mistakes.
I am learning that I don't have to be perfect to be loved.
I am learning to accept myself just the way I am.
There are several ways you might want to work with the above list. The chapter on
mistaken beliefs contains a number of suggestions for working with affirmations. The
following two methods have been especially popular with my clients:
1. Select your favorite affirmations from the list and write them down individually on
3x5 cards. Then read through the stack slowly and with feeling once or twice a
day. Doing this while alternately looking at yourself in a mirror is an excellent
idea. You may also want to reword each affirmation in the second person: "You
are lovable and capable" (rather than "I am lovable and capable") when repeating
the phrases to your mirror image.
2. Alternatively, you can put the affirmations on tape. Repeat each affirmation twice
and leave about 5-10 seconds between different statement. Listen to the tape
once a day when you feel relaxed and receptive. You are most likely to internalize
affirmations when you focus your attention on them fully while in a relaxed state.
(Not that you may wish to construct your own list of self-esteem affirmations,
drawing on those which are most meaningful to you from the above list; or make
up new ones of your own.)
A Sense of Accomplishment
Accomplishment of personal goals always adds to your self-esteem. If you look back
over your life to the times when you felt most confident, you'll find that they often
followed the accomplishment of important goals. Although external achievements can
never be the sole basis of a sense of self-worth, they certainly contribute to how you
feel about yourself.
If you are dealing with phobias or panic attacks, a most significant accomplishment
is the ability to enter into and handle situations that you previously avoided. An even
more unassailable sense of achievement is reached when, in addition to confronting
phobic situations, you become confident that you can handle any panic reaction that
might arise. The mastery of phobias and panic reactions is a main theme of this book
and is dealt with in detail in Chapter, 6, 7, and 8. Those of you who have fully
recovered from agoraphobia, social phobias, or panic disorder through conscientiously
facing the very things you feared most know how much self-confidence and inner
strength there is to be gained. Facing your phobias (including the phobia of panic
itself) through a process of gradual exposure will, in and of itself, add considerably to
your self-esteem.
Beyond the important goal of overcoming phobias and panic, however, are all the
other goals you might have in your life. Your sense of self-esteem depends on the
feeling that you're making progress toward all of your goals. If you feel "stuck" and
unable to move toward something important that you want, you may begin to doubt
yourself and feel somewhat diminished.
Beyond the issue of recovery from phobias and panic, then, you might ask yourself
two questions:
1. What are the most important things I want out of life -- now and in the future?
2. What am I doing about these goals right now?
Let's consider each of these. To answer the first question you need to define what
your goals are. If this is presently unclear, thinking about what you want in each of
the areas below might help you to be more specific:
Physical Health Friends
Psychological Well-Being Career
Finances and Money Education
Intimate Relationships Personal Growth
Family Recreation and Leisure
Living Environment Spiritual Life
Give yourself some time - up to several days if necessary - to clarify what your most
important goals are in these areas over the following time intervals: the next month,
the next six months, the next year, and the next three years.
Write down your most important goals for each time period, using the chart below.
You may wish to talk with a close friend or perhaps a counselor to assist you with the
process of clarifying your specific personal goals.
The second question involves honestly evaluating what steps you're currently taking -
or not taking - toward attaining your immediate and longer-range goals. Are you
genuinely working toward what you want? Or are you making excuses and setting
up obstacles to the attainment of what you want? The popular phrase "taking
responsibility for your life" simply means that you take full responsibility for working
toward your own goals. Avoiding self-responsibility is to not do anything about what
you want and/or to expect someone else to do it for you. Avoiding self-responsibility
will guarantee that you'll have feelings of powerlessness, inadequacy, and even
hopelessness. A sense of personal self-worth is dependent on taking responsibility
for yourself.
My Most Important Personal Goals
For the next month:
For the next six months:
For the next year:
For the next three years:
What are some of the obstacles you might be putting in the way of going after what
you want? Fear is the greatest impediment to doing something about your goals, just
as it is in the case of overcoming phobias. If you don't see yourself moving toward
what you want, ask whether you're letting any of the following fears get in your way:
. Fear of losing present security
. Fear of failure
. Fear of personal rejection or the disapproval of others
. Fear of succeeding (then what would I have to deal with !)
. Fear of your goal involving too much work
. Fear of your goal involving too much time
. Fear of your goal involving too much energy
. Fear that your goal is too unrealistic - for example, that others will discourage
you
. Fear of change itself
The solution to any of these fears about taking action on your life goals is exactly the
same as the solution to dealing with a phobia: face the fear and go forward in small
steps. There is no way to eliminate some risk and discomfort, but breaking a goal
down into sufficiently small steps (much like an exposure hierarchy) will enable you
to go forward.
While fear is the biggest obstacle to moving forward on goals, guilt can also be an
impediment. You may wish to consider whether any of the following beliefs are
keeping you from seeking what you want:
"I'm not good enough to have ____________________________________."
"I don't deserve to have ______________________________."
"No one in my family has ever done something like that before."
"Others won't approve if I go after _____________________."
"No one will accept this idea if I try to put it into practice."
The latter two beliefs really could have been listed under fears, but they also involve
guilt. To overcome the feeling of not deserving to achieve your goal, I suggest that
you work intensively with the simple affirmation "I deserve _______________" or "I
deserve to have ____________________________." Don't be sparing in the use of
repetition with this particular affirmation. Continue to work with it until you develop
an emotional conviction that it is true. Developing the belief that you deserve what
you truly want will add significantly to your self-esteem.
After you've worked through your specific obstacles to taking action on your goals,
it's time to develop a plan of action. Just as you would with a desensitization
hierarchy, break down your goal into a series of small steps. Remember that this is
a long-range plan. As an option, you may wish to specify a timeframe for
accomplishing each step. Be sure that you reward yourself after the accomplishment
of each step, just as you would with a phobia hierarchy. You might ask family or
friends for their support in your undertaking, much as you would rely on a support
person in tackling a phobia.
For example, you might be feeling increasingly dissatisfied with your present line of
work and would like to be doing something else. Yet you're not quite sure about what
you want to do, let alone how to go about training for it. The broad goal of "getting
into another line of work" might seem a bit overwhelming, taken as a whole. But if
you break it down into component parts, it becomes more manageable:
1. Find a career counselor you respect (or take a course in exploring career options
at a local college).
2. Explore different options by
. Working with the counselor or taking an appropriate course
. Reading about different vocations in books such as What Color Is Your
Parachute? and the Occupational Outlook Handbook
. Talking to people who hold positions in vocations you feel drawn to
3. Narrow down vocational options to one particular type of work (obtain whatever
help you need to do this) - focus is extremely important in achieving goals.
4. Obtain education or training for the line of work you've chosen.
. Find out where training is available in your area (your local library is a good
resource for doing your research)
. Apply to appropriate schools or training programs
. Apply for an educational grant or loan if your education or training will require
a full-time commitment
5. Complete your education or training (if possible while maintaining your current
job).
6. Search for an entry-level position in your new career.
. Obtain resources that tell you where jobs are available (professional or trade
newsletters, journals, alumni organizations, newspapers, and job hot-lines are
all good resources)
. Prepare a professional-looking resume
. Apply for jobs
. Go for interviews
7. Begin your new career.
Provided it's physically possible, you can make any major goal manageable by
breaking it down into sufficiently small steps. Use the worksheet below to list
specific steps you might take to progress toward an important personal goal.
Make photocopies of the sheet if there is more than one goal you want to pursue.
You may find that you can clarify specific steps more easily by talking about them
with a friend or counselor.
The advantage of developing a plan of action is that you then have a "map" to
follow in going after what you want; you can always refer to it as you monitor
your progress or if you get stuck at any time along the way. If you have trouble
with any particular steps, you may need to investigate once again any fears or
sense of guilt that you're putting in your way.
Taking personal responsibility for achieving the things you want most out of life -
and making tangible progress toward obtaining them - will add greatly to your
