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┌──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ │ │ █ ROTFL Digest! Volume 1, Issue 4 November, 1993 █ │ │ █ █ │ │ █ █ │ │ █ Published by Access Media Systems █ │ │ █ Voice/Fax: (905)847-7362 Data: <Node 3> (905)825-8653 █ │ │ █ █ │ │ █ Editor/Official Dishwasher: Sandy Illes █ │ │░░░░░█ Contributing Editor/Elvis Impersonator: Richard Platel █░░░░░│ │ █ █ │ │ ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ │ │ █ █ │ │ █ █ │ │ █ Contents: █ │ │ █ █ │ │ █ Editorial █ │ │ █ True Silly Stories From Around The World █ │ │ █ Manners █ │ │ █ The Borg Assimilate Archie Andrews █ │ │ █ Dear Blabby █ │ │ █ Flame Of The Month █ │ │ █ Top Ten Lists █ │ │ █ Jokes, Jokes, Jokes! █ │ │ █ New Software Products Due Out Any Day For Your PC! █ │ │ █ █ │ │ ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ │ │ │ │ Editorial │ │ --------- │ │ │ │ Welcome to the fourth issue of Rolling On The Floor Laughing │ │ Digest! This electronic publication is proof that some │ │ people have way too much time on their hands. :) │ │ │ │ All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original │ │ material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will │ │ be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be. │ │ │ │░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░│ │ │ │ ┌───────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ │ │ ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS, as long as it │ │ │ │ remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may │ │ │ │ be uploaded to Access Media BBS at (905)825-8653 as an ascii │ │ │ │ [C]omment to Sysop, or sent via Fidonet netmail to 1:259/314. │ │ │ │ ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes │ │ │ │ without the express written consent of the publishers. │ │ │ └───────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ │ │ │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ True Silly Stories From Around The World: │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ │ │ Vancouver, B.C. - The Humane Society seized a pig │ │ from a stripper, dubbed Nadia the Beastmaster, who │ │ had been using it in her act. ROTFL Digest wonders │ │ exactly *how she was using it in her act! │ │ │ │ Crystal Falls, Michigan - A 1500-year old mushroom │ │ that weighs 100 tons and spans 37 acres has been │ │ found growing in Michigan. No indication was given │ │ if someone had been found to eat it. (Mushroom soup, │ │ anyone? Anyone? ANYONE???) │ │ │ │ New York , N.Y. - Someone stole a box from a parked │ │ car, unaware that it contained human heads. The │ │ heads were used for research at a New York medical │ │ school. ROTFL Digest imagines the robbers were │ │ trying to get a-HEAD in the world of thievery. <groan!> │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ │ │ MANNERS │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ │ │ At The Movies: │ │ │ │ An evening at the movies is a very social occasion, yet most │ │ people do not interact. You can do something about this by │ │ following a few rules. │ │ │ │ If you aren't over 6 feet tall, it is wise to wear a very │ │ tall hat or hairdo. This compells the people sitting behind │ │ you to instigate a conversation. │ │ │ │ Whisper a lot. If you don't have a friend with you, simply │ │ whisper to an imaginary friend. Tell them how much your gas │ │ bill was last month, what color you wish your hair really │ │ was, how the movie ends, anything you like. It's important │ │ that you talk a lot, as it encourages others to join in. │ │ │ │ Kick the seat in front of you. This will focus attention on │ │ you and create an opportunity for the person sitting in that │ │ seat to turn around and talk. │ │ │ │ Burp a lot. This will take attention from the movie and put │ │ it where it belongs - on you. │ │ │ │ Chew gum and blow bubbles. Lots of people will ask, "Where │ │ the he@@ did you get that gum???" │ │ │ │ Cough. Although it sounds simple enough, coughing is an art. │ │ Taking coughing lessons will provide you with the necessary │ │ skills to impress the other movie-goers. │ │ │ │ Presuming you have followed all steps correctly, you will │ │ have conversed with at least a dozen people before the movie │ │ is over. Of course, there's a very high chance that they will │ │ gang up and attack you in a dark alley after the show, but │ │ you can be secure in the knowledge that you have done your │ │ small part to make the world a friendlier place. │ │ │ │ In A Restaurant: │ │ │ │ While it is considered extremely rude to push aside the │ │ people who have made reservations, it is the easiest way to │ │ be seated quickly. Those people probably aren't as hungry as │ │ you are, anyway. │ │ │ │ To impress your date, you should order in French. If the │ │ waiter is named Jacques and seems to understand French, it is │ │ wise to switch to an obscure Tibetan dialect. │ │ │ │ The waiter will bring you water. You are expected to drink │ │ this water, although no one else ever does. Recommendation: │ │ Gargle with it. │ │ │ │ Always remember your mother's advice to "chew your food forty │ │ times." Then, just for the heck of it, stick out your tongue │ │ and ask the waiter, "What does this remind you of?" │ │ │ │ It is rude to talk to people with pieces of food stuck in │ │ between your teeth. Always remember to remove the food chunks │ │ and offer them to the other diners. │ │ │ │ If the maitre'd is one of those snooty types, it's always fun │ │ to insist that he give you a foot massage. If he doesn't, │ │ burp the "Star-Spangled Banner" while standing on your head. │ │ │ │ Food can be fun. While spaghetti is traditionally eaten with │ │ a fork, it can easily be sucked up through your nose. │ │ │ │ Waiters appreciate it when you joke around with them. Scream │ │ that your escargots are still alive and slithering into your │ │ date's blouse. The waiter will enjoy it so much, he probably │ │ won't even notice when you don't leave him a tip. │ │ │ │ Another method of bonding with the waiter involves pretending │ │ to choke on a cockroach. Waiters never get along with cooks, │ │ and this will indicate that you have tremendous understanding │ │ and empathy for him. │ │ │ │ Forks and knives can be an impediment if you're very, very │ │ hungry. The best solution in this situation is to throw away │ │ your cutlery and eat voraciously, not stopping until your │ │ fingers are accidentally chewed to bloody stumps. │ │ │ │ A good meal is never complete without a cup of coffee. Stick │ │ your fingers into the coffee to stop the bleeding. │ │ │ │ Once the meal is finished, you will be offered a doggy bag to │ │ take home. Why go to the bother? It's much more practical to │ │ bring your dog into the restaurant and let him lick your │ │ plate clean on the spot. │ │ │ │ What To Do If You Spot Elvis: │ │ │ │ It is always best to be discreet, yet friendly, when dealing │ │ with the undead. Offer him a manicure, since his nails will │ │ certainly be ragged from scraping at the inside of his │ │ coffin. │ │ │ │ Try to instill a bond of familiarity with him by saying, "I │ │ don't know if you remember me, but I sat between you and │ │ Bigfoot on the UFO last week." │ │ │ │ Tell him that his new diet - Thinness Through Death - has │ │ done absolute wonders. Elvis will certainly be glad to hear │ │ that. │ │ │ │ Offer to call up the doctor who did the autopsy and arrange │ │ to get Elvis's brain put back into his head. │ │ │ │ Do not - repeat, do not! - dangle a peanut butter and banana │ │ sandwich in front of him! All those years of being buried │ │ will have made him extremely hungry, and he will probably │ │ kill you. │ │ │ │ On A Bus: │ │ │ │ Although there is always a sign saying, "Correct Change │ │ Only," bus drivers secretly enjoy refusing to make change for │ │ passengers. Insist that the driver change a fifty dollar bill │ │ and you'll be his friend for life. │ │ │ │ The bus may be crowded but you shouldn't have to stand up. │ │ Simply throw yourself into the lap of the meekest looking │ │ person with a seat. │ │ │ │ Riding a bus can be a socially invigorating experience. Start │ │ up a conversation with the person sitting next to you. If │ │ they seem too agreeable, loudly point out that their breath │ │ stinks. This is certain to engender some lively conversation. │ │ │ │ A gang of teenagers will invariably get on the bus, carrying │ │ a loud radio. Since the noise is bound to interfere with your │ │ conversation, you should scream at them to turn it off. They │ │ will probably knife you, necessitating an emergency trip to │ │ the hospital to have your leg reattached. While you're │ │ recovering, you will have the wonderful memories of your bus │ │ trip to help speed your recovery. │ │ │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ │ │ The Borg Assimilate Archie Andrews │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ │ │ Scene: Riverdale High, where Archie is quietly │ │ leaving the school after having served detention. │ │ Suddenly, a Borg ship appears in the sky. │ │ │ │ Borg: We must assimilate these earthlings. We must │ │ begin with this red-haired one right now. │ │ │ │ Archie is transported to the Borg ship. He looks at │ │ the strange spaceship. │ │ │ │ Archie: Whoa! Wait till the gang hear about this! │ │ │ │ Borg: Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. │ │ │ │ Archie: I have a date with Ronnie tonight so you'd │ │ better get this assimilation over with quickly. │ │ │ │ Borg (to each other): What is "Ronnie"? │ │ │ │ Archie: Veronica Lodge. She gets totally out of │ │ joint if I'm even one minute late. │ │ │ │ Just then, an emergency warning beeps throughout the │ │ Borg ship. │ │ │ │ Borg (to each other): A Federation ship approaches! │ │ │ │ Archie: Federation... assimilation... this stuff is │ │ going to make me late! │ │ │ │ The Borg begin attacking the Federation ship, which │ │ conveniently enough for this story, happens to be │ │ the Enterprise. Naturally, Captain Picard creates a │ │ new maneuver to prevent being destroyed, while Riker │ │ attempts to have sex with a Borg female. │ │ │ │ As the battle ends, Archie is beamed over to the │ │ Enterprise. │ │ │ │ Archie: Oh no! I suppose you want to assimilate me │ │ too??? │ │ │ │ Picard: I am Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation │ │ starship USS Enterprise. We just saved your life. │ │ │ │ Archie: Oh great. So Ronnie can kill me later... │ │ │ │ Picard: Where are you from? │ │ │ │ Archie: Riverdale. │ │ │ │ Picard: And what planet is that on? │ │ │ │ Archie: Earth! │ │ │ │ Picard: Oh no! The Borg transported you through a │ │ time warp! You're in a different century. │ │ │ │ Archie: Well, this has been fun, but I really have │ │ to go now. │ │ │ │ Picard: There's nowhere for you to go, I'm afraid. │ │ │ │ Archie moans softly. │ │ │ │ Riker enters the room with a Borg babe on his arm. │ │ │ │ Riker: Perhaps we can fly into the Sun to set the │ │ chronometer backwards? │ │ │ │ Picard: Naw. Captain Kirk already did that. │ │ │ │ Data: If it worked before, it should work now. │ │ │ │ Picard: Isn't there something more original we can │ │ do? We already ripoff the old Star Trek plots too │ │ much as it is. │ │ │ │ Geordi: Perhaps if I doubled the interlink of the │ │ anti-matter transistor thingamajigs and got a 16.8 │ │ connect on the subspace skylink while using a DOS │ │ interface (preferably without Windows) and then │ │ uploaded the past into the present.... of course, it │ │ would kill him, but otherwise, I think it could │ │ work. │ │ │ │ Picard: We'd prefer to send him back alive. │ │ │ │ Geordi: Darn! Okay, how about this: I implode his │ │ subatomic particles in the transporter, put them │ │ into a bottle, drop it into space, and someone in │ │ another time opens the bottle to free him? │ │ │ │ Riker: Too risky. How do we know he'll end up in his │ │ own time? │ │ │ │ Geordi: We don't. But he won't be our problem │ │ anymore. │ │ │ │ Data: I have a suggestion, Sir. Perhaps if Geordi │ │ can hook this earthling teenager into my high speed │ │ duotronic full duplex bidirectional brain, I can put │ │ on a pair of red shoes, click them together three │ │ times, and wish for him to be in Kansas. I saw that │ │ in a movie once, Sir. │ │ │ │ Picard (to Archie): Is Kansas near Riverdale? │ │ │ │ Archie: No. │ │ │ │ Picard: Sorry Data, but we have to bring him back to │ │ exactly where he belongs. Can't take any chances on │ │ changing the past. │ │ │ │ Troi enters the transporter room. │ │ │ │ Troi: I sensed the need for my presence. │ │ │ │ Archie (eyes popping out): Va-va-voom! │ │ │ │ Picard: We need to get this boy back to his own time │ │ so the future of the world won't be changed. │ │ │ │ Troi: That is a perplexing problem, Sir. I suggest │ │ we call the Traveller. │ │ │ │ Picard: Brilliant idea! Where's Wesley? │ │ │ │ Troi: He left the show a while ago. │ │ │ │ Picard: Well, get him back NOW! │ │ │ │ The officers scramble amid cries of "Yes, SIR!" │ │ │ │ A few hours later, Wesley is onboard the Enterprise. │ │ │ │ Wesley: What can I do for you, Sir? │ │ │ │ Picard: Get the Traveller. We need his help to send │ │ this boy back to his own time. │ │ │ │ Wesley: Why didn't you just call him yourself? His │ │ phone number is in my mom's rolodex. │ │ │ │ Picard: Don't annoy me with practical suggestions! │ │ This is STAR TREK for God's sake! We can't solve │ │ problems as easily as that! │ │ │ │ Wesley: Sorry, Sir. Why didn't you fly backwards │ │ into the Sun and reset the chronometer? │ │ │ │ Picard: Because IT'S BEEN DONE!!! │ │ │ │ Wesley (quivering): Sorry, Sir! │ │ │ │ Wesley goes to the telephone and calls the │ │ Traveller, who gladly sends Archie Andrews back to │ │ his own time. │ │ │ │ The moral of the story is: He who assimilates last, │ │ assimilates best. │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ │ │ Dear Blabby, │ │ │ │ Why can't I win the lottery? │ │ │ │ >You have to buy a ticket! │ │ │ │ Dear Blabby, │ │ │ │ I recently pulled out all of my hair in frustration. │ │ What should I do now? │ │ │ │ >Start pulling out your leg hair. │ │ │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ │ │ Flame Of The Month: │ │ │ │ I considered replying to your inarticulate, │ │ injudicious, and unintelligible message, but │ │ reconsidered after considering the possibility that │ │ others might accidentally believe that I know you. │ │ │ │ Please desist from this sick compulsion to │ │ intellectually barf all over the net. │ │ │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ Top Ten Lists! │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ From: SANDY ILLES │ │ │ │ Top Ten Lines Guaranteed To Heat Up Your Modem: │ │ │ │ 10. Of course, I don't expect YOU to understand since it takes someone │ │ with at least the intelligence of a retarded chimpanzee. │ │ 9. Sorry to hear of your recent brain death. │ │ 8. Don't be such an idiot! Oops... forgot who I was talking to... │ │ 7. I'm sure you're not a complete idiot - parts must be missing. │ │ 6. It's hard to believe some biology lab hasn't dissected you yet. │ │ 5. 0-60 in one second mouth, 0-0 in one second brain. │ │ 4. Surely no one actually believes such a stupid thing? │ │ 3. You could raise your IQ by becoming a moron. │ │ 2. Why don't you go get some spelling lessons? (Many variations but all │ │ of them are successful in offending the e-mail recipient) │ │ 1. Didn't you play the personality of Booger in "Revenge Of The Nerds"? │ │ │ │ * All of the above lines are flame-bait. Author is not responsible for │ │ combustibles generated by use of these flames. Furthermore, it is │ │ advised that asbestos gloves be worn when at the keyboard using these │ │ flames. Failure to do so may result in electrocution or, at the very │ │ least, CPU meltdown. │ │ │ │ From: SANDY ILLES │ │ │ │ Top Ten Things I'd Rather Do Instead Of Watching Anything With Madonna │ │ In It (This Includes Videos, Books, Magazines, Movies, And Super-8 │ │ Swedish Erotica Home Movies Made By The 3 Billion Men And Women She Has │ │ Already Served): │ │ │ │ 10. Poke my eyes out with hot needles. │ │ 9. Have a 2-for-1 prefrontal lobotomy at McSurgeon's drive-thru. │ │ 8. Eat a McDonald's hamburger. │ │ 7. Bathe in SPAM that has been liquified through age. │ │ 6. Eat tequila worms. │ │ 5. Go to Paris and be insulted by the rude French waiters. │ │ 4. Eat Haggis while drinking Ovaltine through a straw inserted into my │ │ nose. │ │ 3. Spend a week in the Andes with the original survivors of the story │ │ "Alive." │ │ 2. Look at some geek's x-rated GIF collection - which probably includes │ │ Madonna so cross number 2 off this list. │ │ 1. Spend a week trying to get Kim Campbell to take a stand on │ │ something... anything... │ │ │ │ From: SANDY ILLES │ │ │ │ Top Ten Things Most Likely To Be Found In Water: │ │ │ │ 10. Urine from that little kid who just couldn't hold onto his bladder. │ │ 9. Vomit from that little kid who insisted on eating a couple of hot │ │ dogs before swimming. │ │ 8. Avon-scented sweat from really fat women. │ │ 7. Fish feces. │ │ 6. Fish urine. │ │ 5. Eye snot from early morning swimmers. │ │ 4. Nose snot from little kids who never remember to blow their noses │ │ before going swimming. │ │ 3. Multitudes of bacteria. │ │ 2. Toejam. │ │ 1. Raw sewage. │ │ │ │ From: SANDY ILLES │ │ │ │ Top Ten Reasons To Vote For Sandy As Ruler Of The World: │ │ │ │ 10. Mondays will be abolished. │ │ 9. Days will not start until the crack of noon. │ │ 8. Free gifts for everyone! │ │ 7. Axl Rose will be nominated as my foreign affairs minister, so things │ │ promise to get *real* exciting. │ │ 6. Unlike Kim Campbell, I am able to actually say something when I │ │ speak. │ │ 5. Unlike Brian Mulroney, I'm not a psychopathic liar. │ │ 4. Unlike Jean Chretien, I don't have a "cute" accent. ("Dis is da time │ │ for change, mes amis!") │ │ 3. I promise to drink lots of coffee while typing at my keyboard. │ │ 2. I promise to remain totally uninterested in war, free trade, and │ │ all-expenses-paid fact-finding trips to Hawaii in January. │ │ 1. I promise to have the Surgeon General locked in a room with fifty │ │ chainsmokers. ("Smoking is bad for you... eating is bad for you... │ │ breathing is bad for you... whine, whine, whine... ) │ │ │ │ From: SANDY ILLES │ │ │ │ Top Ten Jokes That Made Me Laugh Out Loud Lately: │ │ │ │ 10. You know you're a redneck if your father is also your uncle. │ │ 9. You know you're a redneck if you think a family reunion is a good │ │ place to meet women. │ │ 8. You know you're a redneck if you mow your front yard and find a │ │ pickup truck. │ │ 7. You know you're a redneck if your father walks you to school and │ │ you're in the same grade. │ │ 6. What does a 14-year old South Carolina girl say after sex? "Get offa │ │ me, Pa! Yer crushin' my cigarettes!" │ │ 5. What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's │ │ Witness? Someone who bangs on your door Sunday morning at 8:00 am │ │ and tells you to go to Hell. │ │ 4. Two Hell's Angels met on the street. "I heard you got married," said │ │ the first. "How's the sex?" "Not that great," replied his friend, │ │ "but at least you don't gotta wait on line." │ │ 3. You know you're a redneck when your grandmother says, "Hey, come and │ │ look at this before I flush it!" │ │ 2. Did you hear about the new Italian sports car called the Mafia? It's │ │ got a hood under the hood and a real nice body - in the trunk. │ │ 1. What's the difference between a Jewish mother and an Italian mother? │ │ An Italian mother says, "Eat all the food on your plate or I'll kill │ │ you!" A Jewish mother says, "Eat all the food on your plate or I'll │ │ kill myself!" │ │ │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ │ │ A woman went to the pet shop and looked at a parrot. She │ │ asked the shop owner, "Is he smart?" │ │ │ │ "Is he smart, lady? Does a bear sh*t in the woods? │ │ This bird is so smart he speaks six languages!" │ │ │ │ So she bought him and brought him home. │ │ │ │ She had to go out, but her husband came home. Seeing that she │ │ had spent all of the grocery money on this parrot, and there was │ │ no food in the house, the husband - who was starving - │ │ strangled the bird, plucked it, cleaned it, and cooked it. │ │ When his wife came home, dinner was served. │ │ │ │ She screamed, "How could you do this?" │ │ │ │ To which he replied, "Hey, we gotta eat!" │ │ │ │ She said, "This bird was brilliant! He spoke six languages!" │ │ │ │ To which he said, "Oh yeah? If he was so fu*king smart, why │ │ didn't he say something?" │ │------------------------------------------------------------------------ │ │ │ │ Q. How many Conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb? │ │ A. Thirty: one to do it, and 29 to stuff it down everyone's throat. │ │------------------------------------------------------------------------ │ │ │ │ THE NEW PRIEST │ │ │ │ A new priest at his first mass was so scared, he could │ │ hardly speak. After the Mass was over he asked the │ │ Monsignor how he'd done. The Monsignor said fine, but │ │ next time it might help if you put some gin or vodka │ │ in your glass to help relax you. The next Sunday the │ │ priest put some vodka in his glass and really talked │ │ up a storm. After the Mass he asked the Monsignor how │ │ he'd done. The Monsignor says fine but there are │ │ a few things we need to get straightened out: │ │ │ │ 1) There are 10 commandments not 12 │ │ 2) There are 12 disciples not 10 │ │ 3) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him │ │ 4) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. │ │ 5) Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St. │ │ Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's │ │ 6) The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as │ │ Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook │ │ 7) They crucified Jesus, they didn't nail his ass to the cross │ │------------------------------------------------------------------------ │ │ │ │ A man was out driving when he saw a police car in his rear-view mirror, │ │ with it's siren wailing. The man pulled over and the police car stopped │ │ behind him. The policeman approached the man's car and said to the man: │ │ "Do you know that your wife fell out of the car five miles back?" │ │ │ │ The man replied: "Oh thank God! I thought I had gone deaf!" │ │------------------------------------------------------------------------ │ │ │ │ Leroy, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees │ │ a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third-storey ledge holding │ │ her pet cat in her arms. │ │ │ │ "Hey, lady," yells Leroy, "Throw me the cat." │ │ "No," she cries, "It's too far." │ │ "I play football, I can catch him." │ │ │ │ The smoke is pouring from the windows, so finally the woman waves to │ │ Leroy, kisses her cat good-bye, and tosses it down to the street. │ │ Leroy keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. │ │ The feline bounces off an awning and Leroy runs into the street │ │ to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular │ │ one-handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire │ │ breaks into cheers. │ │ │ │ Leroy does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his │ │ knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement. │ │------------------------------------------------------------------------ │ │ │ │ A lawyer and his brother, a doctor, were hunting. A mountain lion │ │ jumped out in front of them and started snarling. │ │ │ │ The doctor asked, "What should we do?" │ │ │ │ The lawyer said, "I'm gonna run for it!" │ │ │ │ The doctor replied, "You can't outrun a mountain lion!" │ │ │ │ The lawyer said, "I don't have to outrun HIM - I only have to │ │ outrun YOU!" │ │------------------------------------------------------------------------ │ │ │ │ A man had a weird illness. Whenever he broke wind, it made the sound │ │ "Honda." He asked his doctor about it but the doctor (after months of │ │ tests and literature-reading) could not figure it out. Finally, just │ │ before he was about to give up, he had an idea. "I'll call the Honda │ │ Company in Japan and ask the company doctor!" Well, he called the │ │ Japanese doctor and was told by him to see if the patient had an │ │ abscess in his teeth somewhere. Sure enough, there was, and when it │ │ was treated, the other affliction ended. When the doctor asked his │ │ Japanese counterpart how he could make such a great diagnosis over │ │ the phone from such a long distance away the man replied: │ │ │ │ "Simple. Abscess makes a fart go Honda." │ │------------------------------------------------------------------------ │ │ │ │ Q: Did you hear what happened to the blonde tap-dancer? │ │ │ │ A: She fell into the sink. │ │------------------------------------------------------------------------ │ │ │ │ An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse │ │ fell and broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he │ │ warned her not to climb any stairs. │ │ │ │ Several months later, the doctor took off the cast. │ │ │ │ "Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady. │ │ │ │ "Yes," he replied. │ │ │ │ "Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying │ │ up and down that drainpipe!" │ │------------------------------------------------------------------------ │ │ │ │ How can you tell if an Ethiopian woman is pregnant? │ │ Hold her up to the light. │ │ │ │ [Take a comb and hold it upside-down] What's this? │ │ A hundred Ethiopians carrying a canoe. │ │ │ │ How many Ethiopians can you put in a shower? │ │ I don't know they keep falling down the drain. │ │ │ │ How many Ethiopians can you put in a Volkswagen? │ │ All of 'em! │ │ │ │ How do Ethiopians camouflage themselves? │ │ They stand sideways. │ │ │ │ What's the world's fastest animal? │ │ -The Ethiopian Chicken. │ │ │ │ What's the world's second fastest animal? │ │ -The Ethiopian running after it. │ │------------------------------------------------------------------------ │ │ │ │ Q: What's a brunette's idea of the ideal weight of a blonde? │ │ A: Two kilos, including the URN. │ │------------------------------------------------------------------------ │ │ │ │ Q: How do you get 50 Jewish people in a car? │ │ A: Throw a dime inside. │ │ │ │ Q: How do you get 50 germans in a car? │ │ A: Throw a Jewish person inside. │ │------------------------------------------------------------------------ │ │ │ │ "I just got a new hearing aid. It's the best one I've ever had." │ │ │ │ "What kind is it?" │ │ │ │ "Oh, about 9:30......." │ │------------------------------------------------------------------------ │ │ │ │ The dumb blonde was invited on an outing so she decided │ │ to shop for some luggage. She asked the clerk, "Do you have │ │ any overnight cases?" │ │ │ │ "Yes'm," he said. │ │ │ │ "You'd better give me seven of them, then. I'll be gone a week." │ │------------------------------------------------------------------------ │ │ │ │ A sensational new shortstop was being interviewed by the press. │ │ The trouble was, the guy spoke so quietly no one could hear him. │ │ One of them finally asked the coach, "What's the matter with him?" │ │ "Nothing at all," replied the coach. "That's just the way the │ │ rookie mumbles." │ │------------------------------------------------------------------------ │ │ │ │What do you call a dog with no legs? │ │ │ │Doesn't matter, it won't come anyway. │ │------------------------------------------------------------------------ │ │ │ │What do you do with a dog with no arms and no legs? │ │ │ │Take it for a drag. │ │------------------------------------------------------------------------ │ │ │ │ There was this guy who went to Spain. One day, he goes over to │ │ the bullfights and watches as the bullfighter kills the bull. After that │ │ afternoon of excitement he got hungry and went over to a cafe right next │ │ to the arena. │ │ │ │ There he looks at the menu, and orders the special, "Meatballs." │ │ The waiter comes out with 2 huge meatballs, and the guy eagerly eats it. │ │ The bullfight was so interesting, he came back the next day, and went │ │ over to the cafe again to have the delicious meatballs. This continued │ │ on for 5 or so days, until the guy goes to the cafe, and the waiter │ │ comes out with 2 dinky little balls. │ │ │ │ "What's wrong with the meatballs? Why are they so small?" asks the │ │ man. │ │ │ │ "Well, Senor," said the waiter, "sometimes dee bull weens." │ │------------------------------------------------------------------------ │ │ │ │ You Know You're A Redneck If: │ │ │ │ You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't. │ │ You own a homemade fur coat. │ │ You burn your front yard instead of mow it. │ │ Your wife has ever said "Come move this transmission so I can take │ │ a bath." │ │ You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. │ │ Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest. │ │ Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos." │ │ You've ever given rat traps as a gift. │ │ You always answer the front door with a baseball bat in │ │ your hand. │ │ Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool. │ │ Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. │ │ You've never paid for a haircut. │ │ The taillight covers on your car are made of tape. │ │ Your car has never had a full tank of gas. │ │ You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home. │ │ You have every episode of "Hee-Haw" on tape. │ │ Your kid takes a siphon hose to "Show & Tell." │ │ You've ever bought a used cap. │ │ Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers." │ │ You've ever shot a deer from inside your house. │ │ Your primary source of income is the pawn shop. │ │ Your wife's best shoes have steel toes. │ │ You can entertain yourself for more than 1 hour with a fly │ │ swatter. │ │ You've ever stolen toilet paper. │ │ Your baby's favorite teething ring is a garden hose. │ │ Your pocket knife has ever been refered to as "Exhibit A." │ │ Your wife ever burned out an electric razor. │ │ You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer. │ │ Your Xmas cards include a Xerox copy of your butt. │ │ Your bumper stick says "My other car is a combine." │ │ You prefer car keys to Q-tips. │ │ You list your parole officer as a reference. │ │ Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch. │ │ │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ New Software Products Due Out Any Day For Your PC! │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ │ │ PC-TOILET v1.0 │ │ │ │ This new product for IBM and compatible computers replaces │ │ those silly trashcans. Yes, instead of dumping your old │ │ files into a trashcan, you can flush them down the toilet! │ │ Comes with PCTOILETPAPER to clean up those messy files that │ │ are hard to flush. │ │ │ │ PC-PAINTER v1.0 │ │ │ │ Not a graphics drawing program, PCPAINTER will actually │ │ paint your house for you! No more having to lose valuable │ │ computer time because your wife wants to repaint the │ │ kitchen! Once installed onto a 1 gig drive, PCPAINTER will │ │ be capable of painting your house in a VGA 256-color │ │ palette. │ │ │ │ PC-PEPSI v1.0 │ │ │ │ Instead of buying a can of Pepsi and risking infectious │ │ diseases through the needles randomly inserted in cans, you │ │ can use PCPEPSI to simulate the look, taste, and smell of │ │ real Pepsi! It bubbles, it fizzes, it's better than the real │ │ thing because you can't catch any diseases from it! Just be │ │ careful not to spill it on your keyboard! │ │ │ │ PC-NICOTINE v1.0 │ │ │ │ Why spend thousands of dollars a year on cigarettes when │ │ PC-NICOTINE will provide all the carcinogens you need for the │ │ low, low price of $39.95??? (SmellBlaster (tm) card required) │ │ │ │ PC-SYSOP v1.0 │ │ │ │ The ultimate program for BBS Sysops! Why waste time replying │ │ to messages that say "Yuor bord sukz and I nede more filz │ │ rite now or I'l hak you, sukker!" when PC-SYSOP can send 50 │ │ million volts of electricity through the modem and straight │ │ up their patooties? Avoid aggravation with PC-SYSOP! │ │ │ │ PC-JOKES v1.0 │ │ │ │ The ultimate joke generator that creates original │ │ jokes from its database of commonly used DOS words. │ │ Examples: Why did the Alzheimer's victim fail the │ │ science quiz? C:\DOS\Out of memory. How many crooks │ │ does it take to steal a lightbulb? C:\DOS\Illegal │ │ function call. This program has a million of 'em! │ │ │ │ PC-RUDEMAIL v1.0 │ │ │ │ Why be insulted via echomail by rude people that are │ │ thousands of miles away, when PC-RUDEMAIL will provide the │ │ same features without a time lag? No more waiting 3-4 days │ │ to have someone in Australia tell you that you're an idiot - │ │ your computer can cut out the middleman and tell you that │ │ you're an idiot right away! │ │ │ │ PC-GHOST v1.0 │ │ │ │ Have you ever wondered if your computer was haunted? Now it │ │ can be, with PC-GHOST! Guaranteed to send at least one angry │ │ spirit screaming after your hardware. Takes the guesswork │ │ out of figuring out what those strange sounds mean that │ │ drive a:\ is making... they're the hollerings of the undead! │ │ │ │ PC-TABLOID v1.0 │ │ │ │ Why wait for next week's issue of the Weekly World News when │ │ PC-TABLOID can give you the headlines in advance? Elvis Is │ │ Secretly Engaged To The Face On Mars! Elvis Is Hillary's │ │ Secret Lover! Plus Lots More! PC-TABLOID is guaranteed to │ │ check its facts just as closely as the Weekly World News. │ │ │ │ PC-LAMER v1.0 │ │ │ │ Don't be insulted by elite warez d00dz - let PC-LAMER do it │ │ for you! Every time you boot your system, it will remind you │ │ that you're a pathetic lamer and will make rude sounds using │ │ your LamerBlaster (tm) card to ensure you don't ignore it. │ │ │ │ PC-PIR8 v1.0 │ │ │ │ Don't let the elite warez d00dz be one up on you - let │ │ PC-PIR8 translate all your echomail messages! If you write │ │ "Where can I get an illegal copy of Wordperfect 6.0," │ │ PC-PIR8 will translate it to "Hey man, eye nede a cracked │ │ copy of WP6 for my warez colection." Spelling options │ │ include Bad, Very Bad, and Moronic. │ │ │ │ PC-GEEK v1.0 │ │ │ │ Why spend your Friday nights memorizing a dictionary? Let │ │ PC-GEEK do it for you! Yes, now you can finally have the │ │ time to change that bandage on your glasses so you can view │ │ your x-rated GIF collection a little more clearly! Includes │ │ bonus gifts: a pocket protector and a nasal decongestant │ │ spray. │ │ │ │ PC-TEENGIRL v1.0 │ │ │ │ A Sysop utility that eliminates the need for begging females │ │ to call your board. PC-TEENGIRL creates random messages at │ │ Sysop configurable frequencies (try putting it in your │ │ board.bat if you want to see the teenaged boys slobber!). │ │ PC-TEENGIRL messages are designed specifically for PC-GEEK │ │ kinds of guys. Options include: flirtatious, sexy, │ │ and "babelicious." │ │ │ └──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘