Despite popular images of swinging singles and steamy bedhopping, plain old married sex is the best sex of all.
And forget about every night. We don't have sex that often, and that's just fine with us, thank you. We're pretty satisfied with the sex we have.
That's the good news for the mainstream from the National Health and Social Life Survey, a random sample study of 3,432 ages 18-59, to be released Monday. It's being touted as the most comprehensive U.S. sex survey ever.
It is also a study Congress turned its back on. Following attacks by conservatives, the government refused funding. In 1991, the University of Chicago-based research team found private money and went ahead anyway.
Ironically, many findings about committed sex will please the wary. About 87% of marrieds are "very" or "extremely" pleased physically with their sex lives; 85% are emotionally satisfied. Among live-ins - partners who live together but aren't married - 84% are physically pleased; 76%, emotionally.
The least satisfied are those commonly thought to have the hottest sex: those who are not married, not living with anyone, and who have had at least two sex partners in the last 12 months.
Many of the mountains of statistics translate to "good news for relationships," says University of Chicago sociologist Edward Laumann, one of the five study authors.
The statistics on infidelity - make that fidelity - show 80% of women and 65% to 85% of men of every age have never cheated on their spouses. Researcher John Gagnon, a sociologist with the State University of New York, Stony Brook, calls the statistic "one of our most important findings. It suggests the way in which marriage is one of the country's dominant institutions."
About findings that the best sex takes place in marriage, Beverly LeHaye of the conservative group Concerned Women for America, says: "We've been saying that for years, but we had nothing as extensive as this coming out to give it credence."
The research team has published its findings in two new books: The Social Organization of Sexuality (University of Chicago Press, $49.95; Laumann is primary author) is intended for academics. The general public will find Sex in America (Little Brown, $22.95, Robert T. Michael, primary author) more reader-friendly.
The survey supports a long-held tenet of sociology: we meet and marry people quite like ourselves, those in our socioeconomic class, similar in "age, education, ethnicity, religion, and educational background," Laumann says. In part, that facilitates choosing someone who likes the same sexual practices we do.
"Everybody is embedded in social networks," Laumann says. "Sex is not just an individual psychological, biological drive, but a profoundly social activity."
From this concept of social networks, the team draws a conclusion sure to set brush fires: most heterosexual Americans are not at risk for AIDS because they don't leave their networks willy-nilly and interact with those at high risk. Real sex lives just don't look like the wild partner-swapping scene we've imagined.
Here's a quick look at what Laumann calls the news that surprises people: "Just how sexually conventional we are."
-- Frequency of sex. Nobody has a lot of sex. Thirty percent of men and 26% of women have sex two or three times a week; 36% of men and 37% of women, a few times per month; 27% of men and 30% of women, a few times a year or not at all.
Live-ins edge out marrieds with the most sex: 37% of never-married men with live-ins and 43% of women have sex 2 or 3 times a week, as do 36% of married men and 32% of married women. Singles not living with someone have the least sex: 19% of never-married men and 13% of women have sex 2 or 3 times a week.
-- Fidelity. The majority of both men and women of all ages, married or living together, are faithful during their unions. Among those most apt to have cheated: Unmarried men ages 42 to 51 who have lived with a woman for three years or less (32%).
-- Number of partners. Among marrieds, 94% had only one partner in the past year; 75% of live-ins who had never married had one partner. In any given year, about 80% of all adults have had one or no sex partners; only about 3% have had five or more. And about half of men and 30% of women have had five or more partners since turning 18.
We are having more sexual partners over a lifetime, but that's because we have first intercourse earlier, marry later, and divorce more frequently. "We are not somehow abandoning our moral principles," Laumann says.
-- Variety. We like the tried and true, not a lengthy sexual menu. "We think the neighbors are having swinging sex," Gagnon says. Nope. "It's not that they shouldn't; they just don't."
People say vaginal intercourse is the overwhelming favorite; 83% of men ages 18-44 and 78% of women find it "very appealing." Receiving oral sex appeals to 50% of men and 33% of women; and giving oral sex, 37% of men, 19% of women. About 25% of both sexes have tried anal sex at least once.
Just how accurate is the barrage of information?
Study respondents were located through state-of-the art research methods and interviewed in their homes for about 90 minutes.
Sociologist Pepper Schwartz, who studied 1,000 couples for her American Couples, was asked to review the new survey methodology for its authors. "I give them credit for their methodological rigor and the time they took," she says. "This is an important contribution to an already large body of sex research."
The study finds estimates of homosexuality that jibe with recent studies. About 2.8% of men and 1.4% of women identify themselves as homosexual or bisexual; and just 9% of men and 4% of women have had a homosexual experience.
The infidelity statistics are hotly contested. Earlier studies found up to 68% of men and 66% of women involved in extramarital bedhopping.
"My first reaction is that I am skeptical," says Dr. Robert Kolodny, co-author with Dr. William Masters and Virginia Johnson of Heterosexuality (HarperCollins, $27.50). "This may indicate people weren't candid."
Many experts say the sexual frequency statistics are in line with previous studies. But they are more concerned about findings that show people having little sex are satisfied.
Psychologist David Schnarch, author of Sexual Crucible, says the picture gets cloudy when one partner is satisfied and the other isn't; when a partner says he's happy to avoid feeling inadequate; and when a partner "just doesn't know what he is missing." The authors respond that sex therapists only see patients - not folks who are content.
About sex surveys in general, sexologist John Money, Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, says: "It is absolutely impossible to get a true national random sample of people to answer detailed and intimate questions about sex . . . I'm not saying people won't tell you the truth. I will say they won't tell you all of the truth."
But Schwartz says of the survey: "This is as good as we've gotten on this subject to this point. It is a reasonable and scientific approach."
Contributing: Kim Painter
SEX MYTHS: SURVEY SAYS
New research challenges old beliefs: -- We can fall in love with anyone we wish. Instead, we fall in love with people quite like us. -- Those who aren't having a lot of sex are miserable. In fact, most Americans are satisfied with their sex lives. -- Marriage is deadly to a sex life. Wrong. Live-ins and marrieds have sex more often than singles who are dating. -- Married people have at least one affair. No; 80% of women and 65%-85% of men have never cheated on spouses. -- Americans like a wide variety of sexual practices. On the contrary, most like a limited sexual menu. -- Masturbation is practiced mostly by those without partners. Instead, it is part of an active sex life.
