The California Collection/TheCaliforniaCollection.cdr/his094/neagrant.arj/NEAGRANT.TXT

Text File | 1991-04-03 | 5.3 KB | 118 lines

What Would Happen if a 16th-century artist tried to get
funding from the National Endowment for the Arts?


Krustin-Feckless-Frohnheist, a grant reviewer at the NEA, studied
the bearded man sitting acorss from her desk in a corner of the
agency's Washington, D.C. office.
("This one's unusual," she thought. "He's ragged but kind of sedate,
and obviously doesn't have the millions of Maplethorpe. No angry looks.")

FECKLES: "How may  help you Mr. Angelo?"

MICHELANGELO: I'da lika to apply for a granta.
     ("Italian!" Feckless thought, greatly encuraged. "Europeans are so
     unrestrained! No moralism. No sexual hang-ups.")

FECKLESS: What's your expertise?

MICHELANGELO: I am a scupltor, and marble is so expensive....

FECKLESS: Marble? You work with marble? (get real! what uninteresting
          and outdated material!")

MICHELANGELO: Is that unusual?

FECKLESS: Well, yes, it is....I mean, we fund sculptors who use materials
          more symbolic of contemporary culture - tin cans, old commodes,
          junked cars, bodily fluids, bullwhips, dead animals, chocolate
          syrup, nude children, jello, jelly beans, bean sprouts...

MICHELANGELO: Uh....very intriguing...But I-a prefer marble. It
              is so pure and beautiful.
              ("Pure? Beautiful? Is this guy one of those Eurocentric,
              fringe artists who still cling to aestheticism?" Feckless
              thought. "No wonder he's struggling. There isn't an art agency
              in the country that would fund him....But who knows? Maybe
              he stains marble with animal blood, or chisels it into sexually
              aroused gargoyles. Now that would be worth funding!")

FECKLESS: What kind of marble works  would you produce if you receive
          an NEA grant?

MICHELANGELO: I want to sculpt a pieta, depicting the ultimate grief of
              mankind for the death of Christ. And I would sculpt David,
              reflecting the inner strength he drew from God. And Moses
              expressing anger at the wickedness of his people, who
              have turned from the Lord. And perhaps....

FECKLESS: Stop, Mr. Angelo....("I can't believe it," she thought. "A
                religious nut applying for an NEA grant! Doesn't this guy know
                who we are?")
                It seems all your works promote religion.

MICHELANGELO: Faith is important to me and millions of people. So is much
              of classical art - painting, music, architecture - which was
              created for the glory of God.

FECKLESS: I must make it clear, Mr. Angelo, that this is a pluralistic
          society, and in granting federal funds, we must follow
          certain gay lin...uh, guidelines. If your works were intended to
          proselytize, they would violate the estalishment clause of
          the First Amendment.

MICHELANGELO: You don't award grants to art with religious themes?

FECKLESS: Not exactly. We gave $15,000 for an exhibition of "Piss Christ,"
          a photograph of a crucifix submerged in urine. By degrading
          Christianity, the artist offered a symbolic protest of the
          degradation of Christianity.

MICHELANGELO: But didn't that offend Christians?

FECKLESS: Of course. But we can't deny funding to artists just because
          someone might be offended. that would be censorship....
          ("Where has he been the last few years?" she thought. "Doesn't
          he read the Washington Post?")

MICHELANGELO: You can't fund my sculpture because it glorifies God?

FECKLESS: That's right. Don't you do anything else?

MICHELANGELO: Yes, I paint.

FECKLESS: Are you a cubist? Surrealist? Abstractionist?

MICHELANGELO: No. I paint the classical human form....
              ("Maybe I misjudged him," she thought. Maybe he paints
              errotic nudes of children.")

FECKLESS: You paint nudes?

MICHELANGELO: Yes, some. ("Now were cooking.")

FECKLESS: Anything homoerotic? That's the cutting edge--anything that
          chronicles homophobia and gag sex...uh.... gay sex.
          It's a finacially rewarding field. We gave $25,000 for an
          exhibit by a photographer who produced some very compelling work.

MICHELANGELO: (flushed): I do nothing homoerotic. I abide by biblical
                         principles.
                         ("The Bible?! That's it. Time to put this guy out
                         of his misery.")

FECKLESS: To be honest, Mr. Angelo, I don't think you'll be successful here.
          But I'll give you some advice: Forget the biblical art. It's not
          just ancient history, it's anti-woman, anti-gay, anti-freedom.
          There is absolutely no audience for it. You want people to find
          God? If you mean the Judeo-Christian God, people hate Him!
          Point people to the god within themselves, if you like, but shock
          them out of their hypocrisy!  Open their closed minds! Appeal to
          their lusts, intensify their nightmares, mock their religious
          superstitions!

(Michelangelo paused for a moment, excused himself, and walked out of
the NEA office. He later painted the ceiling of a chapel, and he did it
without government aid.)