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- Dining Out
- By Dave Barry
- Philadephia Inquirer Magazine - October 23, 1983
-
- . Americans are starting to dine out again, as they react to the
- economic upturn and the toxic mold growths bonded to the piles of
- unwashed dishes left over from the economic downturn. The problem is
- that many of you have gone so long without dining out that your only
- concept of a restaurant is McDonalds's. I'm afraid you're going to go
- to a really snotty restaurant and do something stupid, such as ask the
- wine steward for your free "Return of the Jedi" glass. So let's take
- a moment here to review the proper way to behave at a restaurant.
-
- . When you arrive, you will be greeted by a person dressed in an
- outfit like the one Fred Astaire wore in all those movies where he
- danced on tables.
-
- This is your maitre d', and you should tip him $5
- the instant you walk in the door. He will then ask you the
- traditional question, which is "Do you have a reservation?" You may
- answer "Yes" or "No". Either way, he will scrutinize a piece of paper
- in front of him as though it has something to do with the restaurant,
- although it actually lists the rosters of all the Chicago White Sox
- teams since 1946. Then, no matter how empty or full the restaurant
- is, he will say, "Your table will be ready in 10 minutes."
-
- . This traditional restaurant jest always draws an appreciative
- snicker from the employees hunkering back in the gloom, wearing
- grease-stained rental uniforms. The maitre d' will then ask, "Would
- you care to wait in the cocktail lounge?" The correct answer here is
- "Yes." If you answer "No thanks, we'll just wait here and eat these
- little mints," you will get your table about the time the United
- States establishes permanent colonies on Neptune.
-
- . In the cocktail lounge, you will be monitored by infrared
- devices, and as soon as you have ordered, but not received, your
- second round of drinks, a uniformed person will inform you that your
- table is ready. Tip him $5. The maitre d' will then lead you to a
- table right next to the screen that the waiters duck behind to blow
- their noses. Tip him $10. Your waiter will then sidle up to your
- table and say, "My name is Bernard and it will be my pleasure to serve
- you in an obsequious manner tonight." Tip him $5.
-
- . Now comes the part where things have really changed since the
- last time you ate out. In the old days, menus were easy to
- understand. They looked like this:
-
- Meat ............. $5.95
- Fish ............. $4.95
- Chicken .......... $3.95
- Spaghetti ........ $2.95
-
- . In those days, you'd mull over the menu for a while, and then
- you'd say, "I'll have the meat," or "I'll have the fish," and the
- waiter would say, "Excellent choice."
-
- . It is much more complicated now. Your modern restaurant menu is
- written in French and Middle English. You'll see maybe two dozen
- items like this:
-
- . Pleuve en Voiture
- . ===========================
- . (Scrumpets in Harrow Sauce)
- . $26.95
-
- . While you are sitting there staring at the menu and trying to
- avoid letting on that the only word you understand is "menu", the
- waiter will make the following speech:
-
- . "Tonight we are out of everything on the menu, but we do have
- some very nice specials. For our appetizers, we have an excellent
- Tete de Chou au Sucre Flambe, which is a head of cabbage covered with
- sugar and set on fire. We have a very fine Poisson Sacre Bleu, which
- is a Norwegian fluke minced into very small pieces and stirred until
- dawn with attractive utensils. We have a very nice Quelle Dommage,
- which is a mussel defiled in a lemon sauce. We have a superb Papier
- du Chien dans la Cage, which is..."
-
- . This speech will go on for maybe 10 minutes, after which you
- should tip your waiter $10 and say, "I'll have the meat."
-
- . Next the wine steward will hand you the wine list, and help you
- make your selection:
-
- You: "How is this $12-a-bottle wine?"
- Wine Steward: "We use that primarily as a disinfectant."
- You: "Oh. Well, then, we'll have something expensive, please."
- Wine Steward: "Excellent choice."
-
- . When the wine steward returns with your wine, he will pour some
- into your glass. You should take a little sip, then nod in a meek and
- grateful fashion, unless the wine is unsatisfactory, in which case you
- should still nod in a meek and grateful fashion, because if you
- complain, he will stab you repeatedly in the eyeball with his
- corkscrew. Tip him $15.
-
- . The first food course to arrive will be your salad. Your modern
- high-class restaurant salad does not contain tomatoes or cucumbers,
- nor does it contain those wide, smooth healthy-looking leaves of
- lettuce you purchase at the supermarket in spheres. Your modern high-
- class restaurant salad consists of a few fronds of a darkish, kelp-
- like plant that has clearly forgotten everything it ever knew about
- photosynthesis.
-
- Nevertheless, you should make every effort to choke
- it down (using the extreme left-hand fork), because your main course,
- especially if it has a French name, is going to consist of maybe two
- square inches of a thickly sliced food substance, accompanied by a
- sprig of parsley placed there by the kitchen staff as a test of your
- common sense ("Look!" they shout, crowding around the kitchen window.
- "He's EATING it!").
-
- . After your main course has been served, your waiter will wait
- until you have placed a wad of food in your mouth, then he will sidle
- up and say, "Is everything to your satisfaction?" Your should nod and
- smile in a meek and grateful fashion and try to say, "Just fine,
- thanks," without letting any partially masticated food dribble onto
- your clothing. Then slip him a five.
-
- . The size of the tip you leave at the end of your meal depends on
- the quality of the service. Ordinarily, you should leave between 15
- and 20 percent of the cost of sending three children through the
- University of Pennsylvania medical school, but feel free to increase
- this amount if the waiter has performed any special service, such as
- not spitting in your food.
-