Complete Bookshop/CompleteWorkshop.iso/jokes/zerro1-5/zerro5.doc

Text File | 1990-01-14 | 20.1 KB | 409 lines

                             Zerro Five
                             A Fifth...
                             For Those
                             In Need!


A friend, very much in shape and well muscled, often given to quoting the
idiomatic expression of the gym "No pain, no gain,"  goes to the K-Mart,
rides around the parking lot looking for a place close to the entrance for
five to seven minutes, so he won't have to walk too far to get in the store.

An exceedingly jealous husband, driven by total insecurity, often accused his
wife of infidelity.  In fits of rage, he would come home and tear the place
apart, looking for the man who wasn't there.  Arrives home two hours early one
day, and starts in the basement, tearing and throwing things, up through the
first floor, and then on into the attic, searching in vain, and finding no one.
Gets out ladder and goes to rooftop to examine all four sides of chimney stack.
Finds no one.  Coming down, misses a step on the ladder and falls to a very
sorry and untimely death.  Goes to heaven, is fitted with garb and the very
first person he meets is his best friend, who lived on earth just across the
street from him.  His friend asks him how he managed to die.  So the jealous
husband tells him about his accident.  Man tells him that neither of them
really should be there.  "Why" asks the jealous husband.  "If only you had
thought to look in the deepfreeze, then both of us would still be on earth."
(A terribly sexist joke with horrible theological implications.  Incorrect
all around, sorry, really about all of this.)

My friend complained to the city about the scales they put out on the side
walks.  He doesn't mind that the thing takes a dime and says he only weighs
thirty pounds, but he would appreciate it greatly if they would fix those
things so he could get his fortune card and be on his way.

You know you are overweight when you get on a talking scales in the Mall and
it says "One at a time, please."

Then there is this item about Jim Kloker, a farmer near Arenzville, Illinois.
He had a concrete deer permanently placed in his front yard.  A real deer
came into his yard, mounted the concrete deer and made love to it.  This is
undoubtedly a case of statutory rape!

The deer would not go away and was diligent in his efforts, mounting the
statue time after time.  Finally, exhausted, the deer left, slowly and with
deliberation.  The buck was spent, but the doe was saved!  (Oh, here I am,
doing THAT again, sorry, sorry, really, terribly.)

The world would really benefit from a device which prevents people calling
your home when you are on the throne...

The less time there is to fulfill a given demand, the greater the demand and
the longer it will take to fulfill, and when you are finished, you will have
done the wrong thing.

If you meet a man who tells you that his favorite food is barbecued garlic
cloves, you are talking to what is basically a very lonely man.

Never underestimate the power of tinkering. If you tinker with something
long enough, it can be broken.

A very commonly used simple one piece component is urgently needed for a
serious emergency.
         A.  It is not in stock.
         B.  It is made of three parts, and one is missing.
         C.  There are l4 on hand, but none are the right size.
         D.  The stock clerk misplaced it in a separate location.
         E.  What was ordered is not what was needed.
         F.  The last one on hand was dispatched to the wrong location
              and has not yet been returned.
         G.  The manufacturer's catalogue does not list any such part.
         H.  This particular piece is hand made by tribesmen in a very
             remote region of an underdeveloped nation with slow mail and
             no other form of communication.
         I.  This part is listed as indestructible and guaranteed for life,
             so no back-up is carried in stock.
         J.  When the manufacturer was contacted, this item was listed as
             discontinued in l967.
         K.  It is currently on sale at K-Mart.
         L.  It is coming in Priority Mail, and should be here within months.
         M.  We just happen to have 400 of this item, but none of them are
              metric threaded and so they will not fit the system.
         N.  OSHA listed this item as hazardous to both the operator and the
              user and it is illegal to have such a thing in your possession.
         O.  Shift supervisor advises substitute replacement with a paper clip.
         P.  We just sent a dozen of these down there yesterday, what are you
              doing with all of them?


Back again, by popular demand, or maybe we didn't throw out the previous
government post card...

Breakfast: Can You Read This Stuff?

FUNEM?
SVFM.
FUNEX?
SVFX.
LFMNX.

                        Free Translation:
                             Have you any ham?
                             Sure, we have ham.
                             Have you any eggs?
                             Sure, we have eggs.
                             I'll have ham and eggs.



Of course, you all know about ham and eggs. The pig invests for life, but the
chicken keeps coming back for an encore performance.

Random emergencies tend to accumulate to await the most inconvenient time to
occur simultaneously in the most disastrous manner.  The person in charge at
the time will be the most inept.  The solutions applied at the time will be
the most unheard of and impossible, absolutely unworkable imaginings of a
truly ignorant person.  Everything will work out well until a truly competent
expert shows up, and then the real trouble starts.

Never trust a neuro-micro surgeon whose favorite and most often repeated
expression is "Whoops!"

OK. Ok. Already.  So Vice President Dan Quayle made a mistake.  He knows,
now at least, that Nepal isn't in South America.  He is sorry.  Geez...
He is going to make a foreign trip, and this time, he knows where he is
going.  He is going to Albuquerque, and he knows this is the Capitol of
Mexico.  Some of these geography buffs are really critical types.....

People ought to leave Jimmy Swaggart alone.  On the other hand, Jimmy
Swaggart ought to leave people alone.  Or something like that...

If you have never failed, you probably will not succeed, because even if you
do, you won't know it.

If you don't expect anything, it is quite likely that your anticipation will
reach fulfillment, and you will get nothing.

When you get right down to it, in the long run a short cut seldom is.

It is much harder to accomplish something when you set out to do it without
any idea of what it is you want to do.

Most often the correct thing to say to most people is nothing.

There is one sin that is unforgivable, and that is to be unforgiving.

Never put great value in what you are not, and do not put little value in
what you are.

You get more than you give when you give more than you get.
If you don't want any, than don't give any, and you will get even less back.

Everybody has to be somebody to someone, somewhere, sometime, so that they
can be anybody to anyone at anytime.

A little of a good thing can go a long way, like for example, garlic.

If you have nothing worth while to say, don't open your mouth, and people
won't see the sawdust.

Never shake hands with the operator of a chain saw when he is working.


A ZERRO BONUS: YOU KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLD WHEN:

Your idea of obscenity is jogging.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a nice steak and they stay there.
You can make the wrinkles you see in the mirror disappear, simply by taking
    off your glasses.
You get your full share of exercise acting as a pallbearer for those who took
    their exercise.
You stop buying natural foods, because you need all the preservatives you
    can get.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere.
You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it is leaning against the
    wrong wall.
You join a health club and don't go.
You get out of the shower and are glad the mirror is all fogged up.
That gleam in your eye is from the sun, hitting your bifocals.
You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
Your little black book contains lots of names, all of which end in M.D.
You get winded, playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You decide to procrastinate, but never get around to doing it.
You are still chasing women, but you can't remember why.
Your favorite feature in the newspaper is "Twenty-Five Years Ago Today."
Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before you apply the
    second coat.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You are l7 around the neck, 54 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.
You remember today that yesterday was your anniversary.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
That little gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
The best part of your day is over when the alarm clock goes off.
You walk around with your head held high, trying to get used to the trifocals.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't make it go.
Your idea of a long trip is to the BACK of the K-Mart.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
Your pharmacist offers to carry the bag of medicines to the car for you.
You go to the barber shop and the barber asks why.
You're startled as someone addresses you as "old timer," for the first time.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You burn the midnight oil after 9:00 PM.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up and down as you watch a pretty
    young girl walk by.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
You regret making all those mistakes, resisting temptations.
You really don't look forward to celebrating your next birthday.
You not only get a senior citizen discount, but the clerk comments you should!
Your idea of a sports event is a wheelchair race.
You get tired watching the fish swim around in the aquarium.
Most of your day is spent making appointments with different doctors.
You get up at night and go to the bathroom and can't recall why.
You check the obituaries in the paper for your daily status report.
A funeral director calls and makes idle conversation, asking how you feel.
Pushing the buttons on the remote control for television is confusing.
You sit and envy your parakeet for the energy it has to move around so much.
You find TV ads for new laxatives interesting.
You lose an argument with a phone answering device.
Your idea of a complete day is to be able to finish the crossword puzzle.
You argue with your best friend about which denture adhesive is better.
You take real interest in hospital admissions listed in the paper, to keep
    track of your friends.
You've been driving for 46 years and are now upset about taking a driver exam.
You go to visit a friend in the hospital and the emergency room staff comes
    toward you with a wheelchair.
While trying to figure out your last hospital bill, you have to take additional
    medication for your blood pressure.
That last visit to the specialist cost you more than you earned in the first
    four years at work.
You receive six pieces of mail in the same day and five of them are from
    retirement villages, asking you to come and visit them.
Taking out a three year subscription to a magazine is an act of positive
    thinking and real optimism.
You decide to put off one more day what you decided to put off one more day.
You find yourself taking pleasure in comparative shopping cemetery lots.
You really don't care who wins the Reader's Digest Sweepstakes.
Every Presidential election offers you the same choice, between fric and frac.
    No matter who is elected or what they say, taxes get raised.
You can remember when Doctors recommended Chesterfield Cigarettes 5 to l.
Your idea of strenuous exercise is a Bridge tournament.
You get excited simply watching the Weather Channel on television.
You go to the Mall not to shop but get a free blood pressure examination.
You would like to have Walter Chronkite back as anchor for the evening news.
You look forward to the next sale on Supporthose.
You go to a sporting goods store to check prices on walking shoes.
Licking stamps on your letters is a hard day's work.
Thinking about alternatives just wears you out.
You've got it all together, but you don't remember what to do with it.
The doctor tells you that you are as sound as a dollar, and you get very
    upset and worried.
Your grand-daughter is taking ancient history and tells you about events
    she is studying which happened when you were 25 years old.
You are still upset about Arthur Godfrey firing Julius LaRosa on the air.
Your idea of a wild drinking party is a medium size Coca Cola.
You notice that your high school classmate looks older than sin.
You are on a first name basis with the chief surgical nurse at the hospital.
You can remember when going to a movie didn't cost you as much as the
    initial down-payment on a refrigerator.
You can recall when service stations actually were.
You call the ambulance dispatcher and he tells you your address.
You begin to lose hope of ever finishing your Green Stamp book.
You can remember when it wasn't necessary to call the bank before the plumber.

There is one difference between the taxidermist and the tax collector. The
first leaves the hide, the second doesn't.

Define Your Terms Department: A slight tax increase ($ 300.00 per person).
A Substantial Tax Cut ($ .30).

National Needs Department: What this nation dearly needs is a tax system which
looks like it was designed for some purpose other than robbery.

Everything in life is somewhere else and you get there by car.

Water really has no value....until the well runs dry.

Many a man has found the acquisition of wealth only a change, not an end of
miseries, for often a great fortune is a great slavery.  The person who has
it is a slave to it, rather than being the master of it for great wealth and
contentment seldom share the same household.

Lots of folks live without working and even more work without living.

There is no limit to the work I can do and produce, if it is not the work to
which I am assigned, or the work I must get done.

Consider your life dull if you happen to be in three airports in the same
month.

It seems to be a salubrious verisimilitude that fish are squamous.

No wonder there is water pollution.  Everyday, some 300 million bottles of
Coca Cola are drunk by people around the world.

In this age of technology, it takes a lot of time to decide what to do with
all of the time we have saved.

Beware when in the company of yourself since you are a practicing homosapien.

Things You Need to Know Department: Each year, some 200 or more people die
while watching televised football games.

Our government is difficult.  If you save money, you pay taxes on it.  If you
spend money, you pay taxes on it.  If you don't have any saved or don't spend
any, than the government gives you some.

Why hasn't TV come up with a popular show like "What's My Disease?"

The President and Mrs. Bush had to pass up a diplomatic reception for one of
the new Ambassadors the other day....couldn't get anyone to stay with the
Vice President.  Mrs. Bush was quoted as saying "you don't dare leave them at
home alone at this age," and everyone seems to have understood.

Most major cities have a park and recreation department, but most of these
same cities have a park that isn't included within the department involved.
It is called Noplaceta Park, named after Mr. and Mrs. Wilbur Noplaceta.

If you get on the telephone and call an onion to hear a ring, you are a truly
sick person.

Oral Contraception: He asked this girl to sleep with him and she said no.

Television is a wonderful thing, and since it came along, I hardly ever watch
my radio anymore.  Television has done much for psychiatry by making everyone
aware of it.  Of course, television has also increased the need for it, too.

One of the reasons Roller Derby didn't make it on television was that there
wasn't enough violence.  Here is a suggestion for filling in this void: Let's
have a new sport developed called: Hocky Team Gang Boxing with Crowbars.

An unhappy voter told the candidate, "I wouldn't vote for you if you were
St. Peter himself." To which the candidate replied, "If I were St. Peter,
you COULDN'T  vote for me, since you would not be in my district."

Two people were born in Indiana, one went off to sea and the other became
the Vice President of the United States.  Neither was heard from again.

It is not good to try to lead people by hitting them over the head, but for
some few, having a bat handy is helpful, just in case.

If you do not know where you are going, you can take almost any road, in
whatever direction, and it will get you there.  Of course, when you get there
you will be no more lost than you were when you were here.  We would all miss
you if we knew you had arrived, but of course we didn't so we won't.

A critic is a person who knows the way but can't drive the car.

What you will be you are becoming today.

Did you hear the joke about the moron who kept saying no?
Did you hear the joke about the moron who kept saying no?
Did you hear the joke about the moron who kept saying no?

Before you unburden yourself of your problems, recall to mind that half the
people to whom you tell these could not care less, but if they could, they
would make the effort.  The other half, to whom you might unburden yourself,
are happy to hear of your misfortunes, thinking that finally, you are getting
what you deserve.

You know that the day is not off to a good start when someone tells you that
your unimportance is only matched by your truly great insignificance.

Help stamp out the rumor that the Pope uses bowling shoes made of woven
parsley leaves. Of course, in stamping out something of this nature, you
may START something!

An apple a day may keep the doctor away, but if you don't floss, the dentist
will get you!




Where does all of this stuff come from?  It takes a great deal of research in
the most learned scientific journals (usually found in the travel section of a
large metropolitan Sunday edition) to discover that this is not the place you
should look.  After that futile effort, of course, you are more or less on your
own, and so you must find material which will alarm and terrify the readers of
such a piece as this.  By a thorough perusal of the International Sunday School
Lesson Planner Weekly, much can be learned, but nothing that would fit here.

So, the plain simple unvarnished truth of the whole matter is that there is no
place to go to find material such as you would find in one of these Zerro bits.
You could look up back copies of Reader's Digest for something called "The
Funny Side of Life," but you would not find any of that material here. Nor
would you find any of this material there.  Fair enough, I guess.

Most of this material is the result of research, which is a euphemism for
organized pillaging of other people's writings.  It is systemized plagiarism.
It is unethical theft of the livelihood of others who write for a living, it
is abominable stealing, it is criminal rape.  (I didn't realize until this
very moment just how bad it was, honestly, sorry, really about this!) I may
go up the river for life!  (Stop that snickering, stifle thyself!)

If you like this type of thing, that says much about you, very little of
which is good.  You have a warped mind, and a sense of humor that is strange.
If you want more, tell Zerro, "Hey, I want more."  Then, stand back and watch
out. You might get even more than you wanted...


Zerro 5
Ends Here!