Complete Bookshop/CompleteWorkshop.iso/jokes/jokes4/jokes4.doc

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The ULTIMATE Question:
How many lightbulbs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Q:  How many Philosophy Majors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  What do you mean by change?

Q:  How many University of Chicago economists does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A:  None, they let market forces take care of it.

Q: How many men named Hans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Many Hans make lights work!

Q: How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It depends which light bulb joke you're reading.


Q: How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fourteen. You got a problem with that?

Q: How many Mutants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two Thirds.

Q: How many executives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None--they call the maintenance dept.

Q: How do you know when a martian has been in your house?
A: All the light bulbs are gone and there are little lumps of quartz
   all over the carpet!


Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. WHEREAS the Party of the First Part, also known as "Lawyer" and the Party
of the Second Part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree
to a transaction wherein the Party of the Second Part (Light Bulb) shall be
removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
illumination of  the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the
entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area,
demarcated by the beginning of  the carpet, any spillover illumination being
at the option of the Party of the  Second Part (Light Bulb) and not required
by the aforementioned Agreement between the Parties.
   The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but shall not be
limited to, the following:
   1.  The Party of the First Part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation
at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder, or any other means of
elevation, grasp the Party of the Second Part (Light Bulb) and rotate the
Party of the Second Part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this
point being non-negotiable.
   2.  Upon reaching a point where the Party of the Second Part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the Party of the Third Part ("Receptacle"), the Party
of the First Part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the Party of
the Second Part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable
state, local, and Federal statutes.
   3.  Once separation and disposal shall have been achieved, the Party of
the First Part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of
the Party of the Fourth Part ("New Light Bulb").  This installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
paragraph 1 hereof,  except that the rotation shall occur in a clockwise
direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
   NOTE:  The above-described steps may be performed, at the option of the
Party of the First Part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the
object being to produce the most possible revenue for the Party of the Fifth
 Part ("Law Firm").


Q: How many Right-to-Lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two.  One to screw it in and one to say "the light started when the
screwing began."

Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three.  One to screw in the bulb, one to be a witness, and one to shoot the
   witness.

Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One -- but he gets 6 college credits.

Q: How many Soviets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows -- it's a military secret.


Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "Why don't you just let us remove the socket instead -
   you don't need it, and it'll just give you trouble later."

Q: How many software programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It's a hardware problem


Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. But the question is, how did they get in there!?!

Q: How many Harvard students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One... he holds it up and the world revolves around him!

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Fish!

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100. 15 to study the old bulb, 15 to discuss it in commitee, 10 to vote,
   20 to get the bulb, 20 to inform the other 70, 5 to get the ladder, 2 to
   unscrew it, 1 to hold the ladder, 1 to hold the bulb, and 1 to screw it in.

Q: How many drunks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 10. 1 to hold the bulb, and 9 to drink so much that the walls spin.

Q: How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 200,001.  One to change the bulb and 200,000 to yell, "Death to the
   Electricity"

Q: How many Winkies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 3, 1 to change it, 1 to hold the ladder, and 1 to supervise.

Q: How many Billy Bulger office employees does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 30, in the hopes that just one might show to change it.

Q: How many ultra liberal Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None....Its REAGAN'S darn responsibility!

Q: How many RUSSIANS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1001, 1 to change it and 1000 to spread propaganda claiming it never
   burnt out.
A: 2, one to change it and 1 to shoot him after to protect state secrets.

Q: How did Ed King used to change a light bulb?
A: He appointed a campaign worker to the $50,000 a year post of light bulb
   changer.

Q. How many landlords does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One, but only when the Housing Court orders him to do it.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None.  Every Marxist knows that within every light bulb is concealed the
   seeds of its own revolution.

Q. How many Mac programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. You need a mouse to pull it down.

Q. How many musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One to change the bulb, one to sign the AFM contract, and one to carry the
   ladder from gig to gig.

Q. How many account executives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. How many would you like it to take?

Q: How many people from Harrisburg (Pennsylvania) does it take to screw in a
   lightbulb?
A: None.  The lightbulb glows by itself!!

Q:  How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Five. One to change the bulb, one to blunder into the ladder and knock
    him off, and three workmen's compensation lawyers.

Q:  How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  One and a half.


Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five -- one to change the lightbulb, one to write a book about it, one to
   form a support group, one to provide day care, and the last to appear on
   Phil Donohue to discuss the abuse that the socket is taking.

[From the 1985 Boston Ad Club Calendar]
  Q: How many Copywriters does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  Copywriters don't make changes.
  Q: How many Art Directors does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  Does it have to be a light bulb?
  Q: How many PR people does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  Two and a photographer
  Q: How many media buyers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  Are there tickets involved?
  Q: How many production managers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A:  Two, but you'd better say three just to be safe.

Q: How many yuppies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They don't. First, it's not a light bulb, it's a Bill Blass'
   Mediteranian Autumnal Hue (Reg. Trdmrk.), and it's still under warranty.

Q: How long does it take a yuppie to change a light bulb?
A: Few minutes to do it, but then it'll take him/her an hour to figure
   out how to get a tax deduction out of it.
A: Few minutes to do it, but he(she) will spend hours figuring how
   to express this unique, whole new trend-setting experience at the
   next cocktail gala.



[From The Wall Street Journal, Oct. 15, 1985]
Q: How many Louisianians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the bulb, one to hold the ladder, and one to
   bribe officials for the permit.

Q: How many Oregonians?
A: Forty two. One to screw in the bulb, one to hold the ladder, and forty
   to draft the environmental impact statement.

Q: How may Virginians?
A: Three. One to screw in the bulb, one to hold the ladder and a highly refined
   lady to remark how much lovelier the old bulb was.


Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six.  One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the
   experience.

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five.  One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the Californians
   who have come up to relate to the experience.

Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two.  One to call the electrician and one to mix the martini.

Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.


Q: How many Unix Hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.

Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information,  Answer available from Western Electric
   Corp. on payment of license fee (binary only).

Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years to complete it.

Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
A: None of your damn business!

Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None.  A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.


Q: How many Jewish Mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None.  ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...")

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. (Any more than two, and it would be an orgy.)

Q: How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes
   on strike!

Q: How many WASP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Silly, WASP's don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.

Q: How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two.  One to pour the Tab, and one to phone Daddy.


Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001.  One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization
   to the point where they need light bulbs again.

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: None of your damn business!
A2: 50, 50? Yeah 50, it's in the contract.

Q: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five:  One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from
   under him.

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.

Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Q: How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!!!

Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Manual labor? Gag me with a spoon!

Q: How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
        One to write the light bulb removal program,
        One to write the light bulb insertion program, and
        One to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
     nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two.  One to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A: Four.  One to change the bulb.

Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.

Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to write a song about how good the
   old light bulb was.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
   with brightly colored machine tools.

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three.  One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation
   specialist, and one to charge the bill.

Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when its ready.

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three.  One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial
   one of their subordinates to actually change it.

Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: l00. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
   Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which l0% of
   the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and
   20% of the definitions are of the form "A........consists of sequences
   of non-blank characters separated by blanks".

Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech reports out of it.