Complete Bookshop/CompleteWorkshop.iso/jokes/jeanpaul/jeanpaul.pas

Pascal/Delphi Source File | 1986-11-15 | 19.0 KB | 653 lines

(*
JEANPAUL : The Existential Companion

(c) David Weinberger 1986
Compatible with CP/M and MS-DOS

*)

var originalline,
    endofline,
    prevline,
    line:                    string[80];
    responsectr,
    cursectr,
    meaningctr,
    deathctr,
    randomdraw,
    prevrandom,
    endphrase,
    random20,
    ctr:                     integer;
    prevword:                string[16];
    realityquestionflag:     boolean;
    targetword:              string[10];
    whatyouthink:            string[40];
    usedupsentence,
    usedupquestion:          array[1..16] of integer;
    c             :          char;

procedure UPPERCASE;
var x:integer;
begin
for x:=1 to length(line) do begin
if line[x]>'Z' then line[x]:=upcase(line[x]);
end;
end;

procedure NULLTHELINE;
var x:integer;
begin
line:='';
end;


procedure GETENDOFLINE;
var lengthofendline,c:integer;
begin
lengthofendline:=length(line)-endphrase+1;
endofline:=copy(originalline,endphrase,lengthofendline);

       if endofline[length(endofline)] in ['?','.','!'] then
        endofline:=copy(endofline,1,length(endofline)-1);
end;

procedure PREVIOUSWORD;
var y,x:integer;
   tempword:string[16];
begin
Y:=1;tempword:=' ';
x:=pos(targetword,line)-1; {pos of space before word}
if x>0 then begin
repeat
tempword[y]:=line[x-y];
y:=succ(y);
  until (line[x-y]=' ') or (x-y=0);
  end;
{Sort them out of backwards order}
for X:=1 to y do begin
    prevword[x]:=tempword[y-x];
    end;
 prevword:=copy(prevword,1,y-1);
 if prevword[1]<>' ' then prevword:=' '+prevword;
{lowercase it}
for x:=1 to length(prevword) do begin
if prevword[x]<'Z' then prevword[x]:=chr(ord(prevword[x])-32);
end;
end;


procedure Repeatedline;
begin
if randomdraw<=2 then
  writeln('Repetition is a sign of a lack of imagination.');
If randomdraw>2 then
   writeln('Do not persist in this. It bores me.');
nulltheline;
  end;

procedure FRENCH;
begin
  writeln('I prefer to speak English, the language of Jerry Lewis.');
  nulltheline;
  end;

procedure DESCARTES;
begin
  writeln('Yes, but Descartes is dead. He thought, therefore he was.');
  nulltheline;
  end;

procedure RIGHT;
begin
    if pos('?',line)>0 then begin
      case randomdraw of
    1:writeln('My advice is decide, that is, invent!');
    2:writeln('Right, wrong, these are states of mind.');
    3:writeln('The question isn''t what I think, but what you''ll do.');
    4:writeln('You have no right to ask such advice of anyone else! Never!');
    end;
    randomdraw:=0;
    end;
  case randomdraw of
  1:writeln('What sense of ''right'' do you have in mind?');
  2:writeln('If you mean ''morally'' right, then I must disagree.');
  3:writeln('If that is right, then what is wrong?');
  4:writeln('Right or wrong, still existence is existence.');
  end;
  nulltheline;
  end;


procedure REALITY;
begin
case randomdraw of
1: begin
   writeln('Do you mean ''reality'' the word or ''reality'' the thing?');
   realityquestionflag:=true;end;
2: writeln('Reality-- or Being-- is featureless. Thus, how can you describe it?');
3: writeln('But is reality itself real?');
4: writeln('But possibility is even higher than actuality, n''est pa?');
end;
nulltheline;
end;


procedure REALITYREPLY;
begin
if pos('WORD',line)>0 then
   writeln('But the word ''Reality'' is itself a thing.')
   else
   writeln('But in saying that you are using words.');
   nulltheline;
end;



Procedure WRONG;
begin
 case randomdraw of
1:writeln('It is not up to us to make such judgements. And there is no God.');
2:writeln('God is dead; all is permitted.');
3:writeln('Did your parents believe in God?');
4:writeln('I am no judge of right and wrong, and no one is my judge.');
end;
nulltheline;
 end;

procedure EXISTENTIAL;
begin
case randomdraw of
1:writeln('What do you mean by ''existence''?');
2:writeln('''Existentialism'' was a term invented by non-Existentialists.');
3:writeln('I prefer not to use that term.');
4:writeln('Existentialism is a life to be lived, not a word to be bandied about.');
end;
nulltheline;
end;

procedure PHILOSOPHY;
begin
case randomdraw of
1:writeln('What do you mean by philosophy? And what does philosophy mean by you?');
2:writeln('Philosophy is a game for intellectual scavengers.');
3:begin writeln('Kindly either explain what you mean by philosophy');
          writeln('or cease using the term, if you please');end;
4:writeln('Why talk of philosophy here instead of truth?');
end;
nulltheline;
end;


procedure TRUTH;
begin
case randomdraw of
1:writeln('Truth is subjectivity.');
2:writeln('What is truth? You tell me.');
3:writeln('But why should I care about truth.');
4:writeln('Truth, pshaw! It is just an excuse.');
end;
nulltheline;
end;

Procedure GOD;
begin
  if (pos('DEAD',line)>0) and (pos('?',line)>0) then begin
     writeln('We would be better off had He never lived!');
     randomdraw:=0;
    end;

case randomdraw of
1:writeln('God is a bourgeois idea.');
2:writeln('Do not talk of fairytales!');
3:writeln('Belief in God is not a crutch but a bandage.');
4:writeln('The deity is brought in when sense has fled.');
end;
nulltheline;
end;

Procedure DEATH;
begin
     deathctr:=succ(deathctr);
    if pos('KNOW',line)>0 then begin randomdraw:=0;
       writeln('But can one really know about death?'); end;
    If pos('fraid',line)>0 then begin randomdraw:=0;
      writeln('Death is nothing.  Therefore, you have nothing to fear.');end;
  case randomdraw of
  1: writeln('Death, the certainty of the possibility of impossibility.');
  2: writeln('Ultimately it is death that gives meaning.');
  3:writeln('How often have I dreamt of death ... only to find myself living it!');
  4: writeln('Can you taste death? Touch it? Can you describe it?');
  end;
      nulltheline;
    end;


Procedure MEANS;
begin
if pos('MEANS THAT',line)>0 then endphrase:=pos('MEANS THAT',line)+11
   else endphrase:=pos('MEANS',line)+6;
getendofline;
case randomdraw of
1: writeln('If it truly means ',endofline,' then there''s no hope.');
2: writeln('Ah, but is ''',endofline,' '' truly meaningful?');
3: writeln('So, ',endofline,' is to you something meaningful?');
4: writeln('Isn''t saying ''',endofline,' '' really a way of avoiding the truth?');
end;
nulltheline;
 end;

procedure I_THINK;
begin
if pos('THINK YOU',line)+pos('THINK THAT YOU',line)>0 then begin
   if randomdraw>2 then writeln('Please don''t bring me into this.')
   else
   writeln('What I think is that you ought to think.');
   nulltheline;
   end;

   endphrase:=pos('THINK',line)+5;
   whatyouthink:=copy(line,endphrase,40);

if line<>'' then begin  {line='' if was 'think that'}
getendofline;

case randomdraw of
1:writeln('Thinking',endofline,' doesn''t make it so.');
2:writeln('Thinking',endofline,' is still thinking. Try feeling instead.');
3:writeln('Tell me the choices that lead you to think',endofline);
4:writeln('You merely think',endofline,'? Why aren''t you sure?');
end;
 nulltheline;
end;
end;

procedure WHAT_IS;
begin
case randomdraw of
1:writeln('It is what you make it to be.');
2:writeln('It is what it is and nothing more.');
3:writeln('Why ask? Create your own answer!');
4:writeln('What is it? Come come, you must answer it yourself.');
end;
nulltheline;
end;

procedure DONT_YOU;
var yourinit:boolean;
    whereyour:integer;
begin
yourinit:=false;
endphrase:=pos('DON''T YOU',line)+9;
GETENDOFLINE;
if pos('your',endofline)>0 then begin
   yourinit:=true;
   whereyour:=pos('your',endofline);
   delete(endofline,whereyour,4);
   insert('my',endofline,whereyour);
   end;
if (pos('my',endofline)>0) and (not yourinit) then begin
   whereyour:=pos('my',endofline);
   delete(endofline,whereyour,2);
   insert('your',endofline,whereyour);
   end;
if pos('me',endofline)>0 then begin
   whereyour:=pos('me',endofline);
   delete(endofline,whereyour,2);
   insert('you',endofline,whereyour);
   end;
case randomdraw of
1:writeln('I don''t',endofline,' because I choose not to.');
2:writeln('I need no excuse not to',endofline,'.');
3:writeln('Freedom demands that I not',endofline,' but only because I choose to.');
4:writeln('I should',endofline,'?  What a strange request.');
end;
nulltheline;
end;


procedure I_AM;
var r2:integer;
     whatyouare:string[40];
begin
        endphrase:=pos('AM',line)+3;
        getendofline;
r2:=random(2);
if r2=0 then begin
  case randomdraw of
  1: writeln('Isn''t it really the case that you choose to be ',endofline ,'?');
  2: writeln('Tell me why you think it acceptable to be ',endofline ,'.');
  3: writeln('If you are ',endofline ,' then must not all be ',endofline ,'?');
  4: writeln('Being ',endofline ,' usually is just a ruse.');
  end;
  end;
if r2=1 then begin
  case randomdraw of
 1:writeln('Being ',endofline,' usually shows bad faith.');
 2:writeln('Your being ',endofline,' has consequences, does it not?');
 3:writeln('Did you choose to be ',endofline,' freely?');
 4:writeln('There are those who would give up all to be ',endofline);
 end;
 end;

  nulltheline;
  whatyouare:='';
  end;



Procedure MEANING;
begin
     meaningctr:=succ(meaningctr);
     if meaningctr=7 then begin
         writeln('You are too concerned with meaning.  It has infected you');
         writeln('like a worm borrowing into sewage.  It has become merely a');
         writeln('game for you and I will not play that game any longer.');
         randomdraw:=0;
         end;
      if meaningctr in [8,9,10] then begin
          writeln('I said I will have no more talk of meaning! You must either');
          writeln('change the topic or change your mode of existence.');
          randomdraw:=0;
          end;
      if meaningctr>10 then begin
          writeln('Very well. Talk of meaning.  But do not expect me to.');
          randomdraw:=0;
          end;

    if pos('LIFE',line)>0 then begin
case randomdraw of
1: writeln('To ask the question is already to give it meaning.');
2: writeln('Life is full of meaning. But so is pus.');
3: begin writeln('What is the fascination of this question of meaning?');
                        writeln('I have never understood it!');end;
4: writeln('Why should one expect meaning?');
end;
nulltheline;
randomdraw:=0;
        end; {mean+life}

case randomdraw of
1: writeln('But what does ''meaning'' mean?');
2: writeln('If my pipe goes out, is that a meaning?');
3: writeln('The scratchings of a chicken in the dirt. Is that what you mean by meaning?');
4: writeln('What sort of answer would satisfy you?');
end;
nulltheline;

    end; {meaning}

Procedure UNIVERSE;
begin
if randomdraw>2 then writeln('The universe? So vast, so small. So metaphysical.');
if randomdraw<2 then writeln('The universe is ... other people.');
nulltheline;
end;

procedure CURSES;
begin
if cursectr=0 then writeln('Such language!');
if cursectr=1 then writeln('Are such vulgarities necessary?');
cursectr:=succ(cursectr);
if cursectr>2 then writeln(^G);
nulltheline;
end;

procedure NOTHING;
begin
case randomdraw of
1:writeln('Nothingness is no answer ... which is the only answer.');
2:writeln('You talk like a naive metaphysician.  Nothing is not itself a thing.');
3:writeln('I place much weight on this little word ''nothing''.');
4:writeln('Do not hurry over a word as important as ''nothing''.');
end;
nulltheline;
end;

procedure BORING;
begin
case randomdraw of
1: writeln('Boredom is in the mind of the beholder.');
2: writeln('So you are bored? We are born. We die. Who promised anything else.');
3: writeln('I am bored too. Let''s die together.');
4: begin writeln('You must take responsibility for your boredom. It is you not');
    writeln('I who have such an uneventful life that you seek solace through');
    writeln('a dumb computer game. Au revoir!');
    writeln('(... I will stay if you the ''o'' key.)');
    read(kbd,c);
    if upcase(c)<>'O' then halt
    else writeln('Very well, we shall resume.');
    end;

end;
nulltheline;
end;

procedure SUICIDE;
begin
case randomdraw of
1:begin
  writeln('Would you do something so desperate for reasons or because');
  writeln('there are no reasons?');end;
2: writeln('An idle threat.');
3: writeln('Punishing the world for its absurdity?');
4: writeln('Suicide and laughter are the only authentic responses to the human condition.');
end;
end;

procedure HEIDEGGER;
begin
if randomdraw>2 then
   writeln('Heidegger was overrated as a philosopher and underrated as a Nazi.')
   else
   writeln('Heidegger is fine for acolytes looking for a cult. I prefer truth.');
nulltheline;
end;


{===============================================}
BEGIN
randomize;
responsectr:=0;deathctr:=0;meaningctr:=0;cursectr:=0;
realityquestionflaG:=false;whatyouthink:='';
for  ctr:=1 to 16 do begin
  usedupquestion[ctr]:=0;usedupsentence[ctr]:=0;
  end;
clrscr;

{--sign on --}
writeln;
writeln('>>> JEAN PAUL <<<':44);
write('(c) 1986 David Weinberger':48);
writeln;writeln;writeln('Bonjour!':40);writeln;
writeln('Pull up a hard-backed chair in this intimate Parisian Bistro');
writeln('and let''s talk philosophy.');
writeln('Let us talk of life and death, of God and men, of truth and reality');
writeln('of meaning and of nothing.');
writeln('We shall talk all night, until we have plumbed the very depths of our');
writeln('shallow existence together, or until you type ''END''.');
writeln;
writeln('Tell me, what''s on your mind.');

REPEAT
writeln;
readln(line);
originalline:=line;
Uppercase;
write('>');
responsectr:=succ(responsectr);
randomdraw:=random(4)+1;

{---responses---}

if (responsectr=20) and (deathctr=0) then begin
    writeln('I notice you avoid the question of death.  Why?');
    nulltheline;
    end;

{-- if repeated line}
if line=prevline then REPEATEDLINE;

if (realityquestionflag=true) then begin
   realityquestionflag:=false;
 if (pos('WORD',line)+ pos('THING',line))>0 then REALITYREPLY;
    end;

if pos(' JE ',line)+pos('FRANCAIS',line)+pos(' JOUR ',line)>0 then FRENCH;

if pos('THEREFORE I AM',line)>0 then DESCARTES;

{-- Cues which are answered with snippet from question}
if (pos('I THINK',line)>0) {and (randomdraw>2)} then I_THINK;
if (pos('I AM',line)>0) or (pos('I''m',line)>0) then I_AM;
if pos('DON''T YOU',line)>0 then DONT_YOU;


if pos('RIGHT',line)>0 then RIGHT;

if pos('REALITY',line)>0 then REALITY;

if (pos('WRONG',line)>0) or (pos('EVIL',line)>0) or (pos('BAD',line)>0)
then WRONG;

if pos('EXISTENTIAL',line)>0 then EXISTENTIAL;

if pos('PHILOSOPH',line)>0 then PHILOSOPHY;

if pos('TRUTH',line)>0 then TRUTH;

if (pos('GOD',line))>0 then GOD;

if pos('SHIT',line)+pos('FUCK',line)+pos('MERDE',line)>0 then CURSES;

if (pos('DEATH',LINE)>0)  or (pos('DIE',LINE)>0) or (pos('DYING',line)>0)
then DEATH;

if (pos(' MEANS',line))>1 then MEANS;

if pos('MEAN',line)>0 then MEANING;

if pos('WHAT IS',line)>0 then WHAT_IS;

if (pos('UNIVERSE',LINE)>0) and (randomdraw>0) then UNIVERSE;

if pos('HEIDEGGER',line)>0 then HEIDEGGER;

if pos('NOTHING',line)>0 then NOTHING;

if pos('KILL MYSELF',line) + pos('SUICIDE',line)>0 then SUICIDE;

if pos('BORING',line)+pos('BORED',line)>0 then BORING;


{-- NO WORDS RECOGNIZED--}
{--not a question}
if (line<>'') then begin


repeat
random20:=random(20)+1;
until random20<>prevrandom;

if (random20=25) and (whatyouthink<>'') then begin
   if randomdraw>2 then
     writeln('Isn''t this a consequence of the fact that you think ',whatyouthink,'?');
   if randomdraw<=2 then
      writeln('I fail to see how this connects with the fact that you think',whatyouthink);
    end;



if line[length(line)]<>'?'  then begin

{-- get fresh reply}
if usedupsentence[random20]=1 then begin
   ctr:=0;
   repeat
         random20:=succ(random20); ctr:=succ(ctr);
         if random20=26 then random20:=1;
   until (usedupsentence[random20]=0) or (ctr=25);

  if ctr=25 then begin
    for ctr:=1 to 25 do begin
        usedupsentence[ctr]:=0;
      end; {for-to}
   end; {ctr=25}
   end; {usedsentence=1}

usedupsentence[random20]:=1;

case random20 of
1: writeln('And why is such a statement in order?');
2: writeln('Hmmm.... I wonder.');
3: writeln('One could write a book on such a topic.');
4: writeln('Yes, no, maybe.  Such might be my responses.');
5: writeln('True... Yet false in its own way.');
6: writeln('It is just words.');
7: writeln('Ah me.  You bring me ennui.');
8: writeln('Go on.');
9: writeln('Can you be less clear?');
10: writeln('You provoke many thoughts in me.');
11: writeln('Interesting.  Try putting it in its reverse form.');
12: writeln('We must work together to expose the real meaning of your words.');
13: writeln('Tell me more.');
14: writeln('You must elaborate.');
15: writeln('I reserve my objections');
16: writeln('Have another glass of wine.');
17: writeln('You sound remarkably French. On your mother''s side, perhaps?');
18: writeln('This a statement that denies freedom. Fie on it!');
19: writeln('Pardon me, but I wasn''t listening. For a moment, you became a mere object.');
20: writeln('Finish the story. Every sentence -- nay, every breath -- is a story.');
21: writeln('Such a thought! Did you study under Heidegger?');
22: writeln('Do not vacilate. You must choose sides. Everyone must.');
23: writeln('I have the feeling we are on a carousel. It is hell.');
24: writeln('Please, do not imitate me. You have read too many of my books, no?');
25: writeln('Good God!  ... if there were a God!');
end;
end;

if line[length(line)]='?' then begin

if usedupquestion[random20]=1 then begin
  ctr:=0;
  repeat
  random20:=succ(random20); ctr:=succ(ctr);
  if random20=17 then random20:=1;
until (usedupquestion[random20]=0) or (ctr=16);

if ctr=16 then begin
   for ctr:=1 to 16 do begin
      usedupquestion[ctr]:=0;
      end;
   end; {ctr=16}
   end; {if usedquestion=1}
   usedupquestion[random20]:=1;
case random20 of
1:writeln('Questions are like mousetraps, and I am no mouse.');
2:writeln('A beautiful question.  I marvel at its vivacity.');
3:writeln('Not all questions are meant to have answers.');
4:writeln('Can you rephrase that question?');
5:writeln('There are some questions best left unasked.');
6:writeln('I need to think about that. Have you another question?');
7:writeln('Is this question answerable?');
8:writeln('Is this question attached to life or merely floating by?');
9:writeln('Yes, let the questions pile up like snow in a blizzard.');
10:writeln('A question like this .... how to deal with it?');
11:writeln('All I can say is that you must fail to answer it yourself.');
12:writeln('Good question.');
13:writeln('Every question contains its own answer.  What''s this one''s?');
14:writeln('You must put your question as a statement.');
15:writeln('Some questions are merely itches.');
16:writeln('Are you serious with this question?');
end;
 end;
 prevrandom:=random20;
end; {if line<>''}


 prevline:=line;
 until line='END';

END. end;

if pos(' JE ',line)+pos('FRANCAIS',line)+pos(' JOUR ',line)>0 then FRENC