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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE INTEL UNVEILS BELOW BOARD WITH EXPENDED MEMORY 1 April 1986, Hillsboro, OR: Intel Corporation's Personal Computer Enhancement Operation (PCEO) today announced Below Board, a memory add-on device for the underachiever. Below Board is designed for the IBM PC, XT, AT and their compatibles or incompatibles. Below Board conforms to the -1.4 revision of a memory specification, the most negative revision to date. It is believed that Below Board will spawn a whole new generation of incompatible software as well as hardware. Below Board operates by moving Conventional RAM down to the memory space below 0K, where DOS can't conflict with it. The new memory space is called expended memory. This is a superior alternative to competitive products which allow normal software to fill-up the memory. Below Board always maintains at least 640K of free memory. A side benefit to this method of memory management is that nearly 100% of the 8086 to 80286 processing capacity is kept available. Below Board establishes a new class of PC products known as Vacantware. Such products use an undocumented instruction in the 8086 processor family called VANISH. The VANISH instruction places the CPU in Vapor mode, in which the expended memory can be erased or ignored. Expended memory is relatively efficient, since even CPU's that have been greatly speeded up, still only require one wait state. No other states are allowed. Shipments of Below Board are expected to begin within 2 to 15 months. Prices and billings will be announced shortly after delivery. all orders must be placed prior to last year. ****************************************************************************** NEW VERSION OF FOREM BBS SOFTWARE ---------------------------------- A new release of FoReM ST arrived yesterday. Among the features is yet another new file transfer protocol, 'ZZZMODEM.' This new protocol transfes data in blocks of 16 Megabytes, giving it the largest block size of any file transfer protocol in the Known Universe. The checksum for each block in a ZZZMODEM transfer is sent via XMODEM, for greater accuracy. "This new protocol will allow us to transfer data at rates up to one one- hundredth of one percent FASTER than by any previous method," explained Phil "Compu" Dweeb, a FoReM aficionado, pausing occasionally to wipe the drool from his chin. Industry insiders were quick to point out that using ZZZMODEM, it takes roughly 2 hours and 25 minutes to transfer a 20K file at 19,200 baud. Mr. Dweeb said that this problem has been dealt with. "Each block is padded with nulls, which take no time to send," he explained. The new version of FoReM ST also has the new "Recursive ARCing" feature. As Mr. Dweeb explains: "All download files are recursively ARCed by FoReM before being put online. Our experience has shown that when you ARC a file, it gets smaller. Therefore, the approach we have taken is to repeatedly ARC the file until it reaches a size of roughly 10K. At that point, it's hardly worth the trouble, wouldn't you say?" Reportedly in the works for a future release is the patented "One Length Encoding" process. Early reports suggest that this procedure can reduce the length of a file to just 1 bit. Mr. Dweeb takes up the story: "One day we were sitting around doing some hacken and phreaken, and one of us started thinking. All binary data is encoded into bits, which are represented by ones and zeros. This is because a wire can either carry a current or not, and wires can therefore be set up in a a series that can represent strings of ones and zeros. "Notice, however, that the real information is carried in the ones, since the others carry no current. I mean, what good does a wire do when it isn't carrying any current? So by dropping all the zeros, you can easily cut file sizes in half. So we decided that a cool way to speed up data transfer would be to only send the one bits. The results were phenomenal -- an average speed increase of 50%!! "After we finished the initial implementation, we kept finding ways to make the thing faster, and more efficient. But then we realised that we hadn't gone all the way. If you think about it, after you drop all the zeros, you're left with a string of ones. Simply count all the ones, and you're left with another binary string. Say you end up with 7541 ones. In binary, that's 1110101110101. So immediately we've reduced the number of bits from 7541 to 13. But by simply repeating the process, we can reduce it further. 1110101110101 becomes 111111111, or 9, which is 1001, which be- comes 2, which is 10, or 1. Once we reach a string length of 1, we have reached maximum file com-pression. We now have the capability to encode virtually unlimited amounts of information into a single digit! Long- distance bills will never be the same! "Now, that's not to say that there aren't a few problems. The biggest one we have encountered is that for some reason, there seems to be a certain amount of data loss during the re- conversion process. It seems that sometimes the file cannot be expanded into its original form. So, the solution we came up with was to have an encryption key associated with each file. When a One Length Encoded file is received and is undergoing decompression, the unique encryption key must be supplied. That way, we end up with a 100% success rate in our conversions! "A problem which we are having difficulty resolving lies in the fact that to ensure a 100% success rate, the encryption key must be exactly as long as the original file. We are confident, however, that the use of our Recursive ARCing procedure will help to solve this problem..." ****************************************************************************** STAR TREK: IN SEARCH OF POWER "Sulu, set path to the root directory and install the ram disk for 320k. We're taking her out." "Aye, sir." "Scotty, I want full power to the megabit ram chips and to the hard drives." "Captain, yer overloadin' her as it is. The power supply just isn't built to take two hard drrrives." "Power, Scotty! I want more power! Chekov, install the disk cache. Spock, any word on the millions of instructions per second?" "Fascinating, Captain. It seems as if the turbo accelerator board is overrunning the hard drive, which, due to its poorer response time, is slowing down the system performance." "Scotty, where is that power!?" "Captain, I'm givin ye all she's got. It's that miserable 80986 with the 512k bit bus multiplexed down to one pin. The wee beastie has these teeny weeny little segments that can only handle so much. You'll have to install an extended memory board, do bank switching, and allocate a huge ram disk if you want to go any faster." "Chekov, install the EMS board." "Yes, sir." "Uhura, any word from mainframe command?" "Well, Captain, we're received several interrupts from the serial port, but because we're not multitasking, the data is just sitting there." "Scotty, how much longer until we can shift into Unix?" "Captain, if ye can squeeze another 60 megabytes onto that hard disk, we might have room for Unix and a couple of system utilities. Possibly an application. We'll need to increase the clock speed to 28 gigahertz. I think we can do it, but there are too many unknowns, too many bugs in the system! We'll have to do a proper shakedown." "Spock?" "Unix is a massive system, Captain, and the commands have to be decoded from hieroglyphics invented back in ancient times. It may be more than we can handle." "Sulu, put in the 60 meg hard drive, install Unix for mouse drive. Prepare to go to Task speed on my signal." "Mouse drive? ......Aye, Captain." "Now! Yes, Bones? What do you want?" "Jim, you just have a little spreadsheet work, mailing labels, and some word processing. Don't you think you're overdoing it a bit?" "Sulu?" "Captain, she's shifting into multitasking. Task one. Task two.... Captain, I'm losing control at the helm. It looks like we've encountered a bad sector." "Put it on visual, Sulu." "Captain, the VGA is not responding, sir. Shifting resolution into EGA mode." "Spock? What's the problem?" "Unknown, Captain. Unix seems to be rerouting all input to a null device." Trying 'grep'", now muttering, "whatever that is." "Scotty, what's happening with those '/dev' subdirectories?" "Captain, she canna take much morrre.... Another fifteen seconds and me math chips'll burrrn up for surrre...." "Scotty, we're not using the math chip." "Sorry, Captain, but I haven't been able to say that for twenty minutes." "Uhura, notify mainframe command." "Captain, either communications is breaking up, or you're dropping into Shakespearean stutter mode again." "Captain, she canna take much morrre.... Another fifteen seconds and me math chips'll burrrn up for surrre...." "Enough Scotty!" "Captain! I'm getting a message from mainframe command...... Apparently, sir, they're going to time-warp previously forgotten modes of data handling, it looks like SQL syntax is forming in the language port now." "Scotty, quick, pop-up the menu shields. This could be a trick to get us back to card punching." "I'm sorry, Captain, but Dbase LCXIX doesn't have pop-ups that work yet." "Chekov, we need hardcopy! Fire HP LaserJet!" "Aye, sir." "Bones, how do I see which tasks are active?" "I'm a doctor, Jim, not a command shell!" "Scotty! Why can't I get a directory on this thing!!?" "Captain, ye just canna have a mouse driven pull down menu system with Unix. It's like matter and antimatter, the system's too bogged down. Yer drainin me quartz crystals." "Chekov, report." "Captain, the little arrow is responding, but it gets to the side of the screen before the windows have a chance to move..." "Spock? What's happening to our multitasking?" "It appears as if the needs of the one are outweighing the needs of the many." "Captain, she's not even runnin on reserve now. We'll have to do a cold boot for surrre." "Bones?" "It's dead, Jim." ****************************************************************************** REASONS TO HATE COMPUTERS They cost too much. They break down all the time. They're too hard to fix. All the different brands are incompatible. They take up too much desk space. They become obsolete five minutes after you leave the store. They don't understand plain English. You can't fix them by whacking them a few times with a hammer. Electronic bulletin boards never have enough thumbtacks. You have to know how to type to use them. They lose your data every time there's an electrical storm in the Western Hemisphere. They give off weird, otherworldly radiation that probably causes cancer but we won't find out until we all have it. And they make you go blind too. They all have three-pronged plugs, and it's a two-pronged world. There are too many kinds to choose from. All of them are lousy anyway. Our grandparents never had them, and they got along just fine. They're taking away people's jobs. They don't do anything the average person needs. They're ugly. Printer ribbons have to be replaced too frequently. They think the world can be reduced to strings of ones and zeros. They forget everything they know the instant you turn them off. Storing words on disks never made any sense and it never will. Five cables sticking out of an appliance is cruel and unusual punishment. Computer paper is cheap and flimsy. Printers sound like World War III. Since diskettes are not female disks, they have no right to their own word. Computer furniture is uncomfortable and looks lousy around the house. Computer salesmen are sleazeballs. Instruction manuals are written by illiterate sadists. When they sell you a $500 computer, they forget to mention that you have to spend another $1,500 in order to do anything with it. Most computers have dumb names. How can you respect any machine controlled by a mouse? Right now some kid is trying to figure out how he can use one to start a nuclear war. It hurts your back to sit in front of one for a long time. They don't make good conversation at parties. They are an escape from the reality of life. When you make a mistake using one, you can't blame it on anybody. Women don't seem to like them. They are God's way of telling you that you're not confused enough. It's too easy to get a shock by licking the stamps on electronic mail. If there weren't any computers, we wouldn't have computer errors, computer crime, or computer nerds. If computers can tap into information networks thousands of miles away, how come they can't load the program I just bought down the street? They're no good for balancing a checking account, because after you buy one there's nothing left in your checking account anyway. Computer games are turning our children into brainless walking zombies. And worst of all, the guy down the street has a better one than I do. ****************************************************************************** USComputer Lexicon By Cornelius Unicorn Beginner: A person who believes more than one-sixteenth of a computer salesperson's spiel. Advanced User: A person who has managed to remove a computer from its packing materials. Power User: A person who has mastered the brightness and contrast controls on any computer's monitor. Sales Associate: A former cheese-monger who has recently traded mascarpone for MS-DOS Sales Manager: Last week's new sales associate. Consultant: A former sales associate who has mastered at least one tenth of the D-BASE 3 Plus Manual. Systems Integrator: A former consultant who understands the term "AUTOEXEC.BAT". Warranty: Disclaimer. Service: Cursory examination, followed by the utterance of the phrase "It can't be ours" and either of the words "hardware" or "software." Support: The mailing of advertising literature to customers who have returned a registration card. Alpha Test Version: Too buggy to be released to the paying public. Beta Test Version: Still too buggy to be released. Release Version: Alternate pronunciation of "beta test version." Enhanced: Less awful in some ways than the previous model, and less likely to work as expected. Convertible: Transformable from a second-rate computer to a first-rate doorstop or paperweight. (Lexicoginal note: replaces the term "junior.") Upgraded: Didn't work the first time. Upgraded and Improved: Didn't work the second time. Fast (6MHz): Nowhere near fast enough. Superfast (8MHz): Not fast enough. Blindingly Fast (10MHz): Almost fast enough. Astoundingly Fast (12MHz): Fast enough to work only intermittently. Memory-Resident: Ready at the press of a key to disable any currently running program. Multitasking: A clever method of simultaneously slowing down the multitude of computer programs that insist on running too fast. Encryption: A powerful algorithmic encoding technique employed in the creation of computer manuals. Desktop Publishing: A system of software and hardware enabling users to create documents with a cornucopia of typefaces and graphics and the intellectual content of a Formica slab; often used in conjunction with encryption. High Resolution: Having nothing to do with graphics on an IBM- compatible microcomputers. FCC-Certified: Guaranteed not to interfere with radio or television reception until you add the cable required to make it work. American: Italian or Taiwanese, as in "American Telephone and Telegraph." American-Made: Assembled in America from parts made abroad. Windows: A slow-moving relation of the rodent family rarely seen near computers but commonly found in specially marked packages of display cards, turbo cards, and Grape-Nuts Cereal. TopView: The official position of IBM brass that an abysmally slow character-based multitasking program is the product of the future. Shareware: Software usually distinguished by its awkward user interfaces, skimpy manuals, lack of official user support, and particularly its free distribution and upgrading via simple disk copying; e.g., PC-DOS. DOS-SHELL: An educational tool forcing computer users to learn new methods of doing what they already can. UNIX: Sterile experts who attempt to palm off bloated, utterly arcane, and confusing operating systems on rational human beings. EMS: Emergency Medical Service; often summoned in cases of apoplexy induced by attempts to understand extended, expanded or enhanced memory specifications. Videotex: A moribund electronic service offering people the privilege of paying to read the weather on their TV screens instead of having Willard Scott read it to them free while they brush their teeth. Artificial Intelligence: The amazing, human-like ability of a computer program to understand that the letter y means "yes" and the letter n means "no." Electronic Mail: A communications system with built-in delays and errors designed to emulate those of the United States Postal Service. C-py Pr-t-ct--n: An obscenity unfit to print and fast disappearing from common parlance. Turbo Card: A device that increases an older-model computer's speed almost enough to compensate for the time wasted in getting it to work. Laser Printer: A xerographic copying machine with additional malfunctioning parts. Workstation: A computer or terminal slavishly linked to a mainframe that does not offer game programs. RISC: The gamble that a computer directly compatible with nothing else on the planet may actually have decent software written for it someday. AUTOEXEC.BAT: A sturdy aluminum or wooden shaft used to coax AT hard disks into performing properly. Plotter: A terroristic hypodermic device used to inject graphic representations of boring data into boring meetings. Clone: One of the many advanced-technology computers IBM is beginning to wish it had built. CD-ROM: An optical device with storage sufficient to hold billions of predictions claiming it will revolutionize the information industry. IBM Product Centers: Historical landmarks forever memorializing the concept of "list price only." IBM: Somewhat like an IBM product; in current parlance, invariably followed by the word "compatible." IBM Compatible: Not IBM compatible. Fully IBM Compatible: Somewhat IBM compatible, but won't run IBM BASIC programs. 100% IBM Compatible: Compatible with most available hardware and software, but not with the blockbusters IBM always introduces the day after tomorrow. Lap-Top: Smaller and lighter than the average secretary. Portable: Smaller and lighter than the average refrigerator. Transportable: Neither chained to a wall nor attached to an alarm system. Hard Disk: A device that allows users to delete vast quantities of data with simple mnemonic commands. Mouse: A peripheral originally christened "vermiform appendix" because of its functional resemblance, renamed for its appropriateness as a cat toy. Printer: An electromechanical paper-shredding device. Modem: A peripheral used in the unsuccessful attempt to get two computers to communicate with each other. Network: An electronic means of allowing more than one person at a time to corrupt, trash, or otherwise cause permanent damage to useful information. Documentation: A perplexing linen-bound accessory resorted to only in situations of dire need when friends and dealers are unavailable, usually employed solely as a decorative bookend. User-Friendly: Supplied with a full-color manual. Very User-Friendly: Supplied with a disk and audiotape so the user needn't bother with the full-color manual. Extremely User-Friendly: Supplied with a mouse so that the user needn't bother with the disk and audiotape, the full color manual, or the program itself. Easy to Learn: Hard to use. Easy to Use: Hard to learn. Easy to Learn and Use: Won't do what you want it to. Powerful: Hard to learn and use. Menu-Driven: Easy to learn. Copy Protection: (1) A clever method of preventing incompetent pirates from stealing software and legitimate customers from using it; (2) a means of distinguishing honest users from thieves by preventing larceny by the former but not by the latter. Warranty: An unconditional guarantee that the program purchased is actually included on the disk in the box. Version 1.0: Buggier than Maine in June; eats data. Version 1.1: Eats data only occasionally, upgrade free to avoid litigation by disgruntled users of version 1.0. Version 2.0: The version originally planned as the first release (except for a couple of data-eating bugs that just won't seem to go away), no free upgrades or the company would go bankrupt. Version 3.0: The revision in the works when the company goes bankrupt. Spreadsheet: A program that gives the user quick and easy access to a wide variety of highly detailed reports based on highly inaccurate assumptions. Word Processor: Software that magically transforms its user into a professional author. Thought Processor: An electronic version of the intended outline procedure that thinking people instantly abandon upon graduation from high school. Business Graphics: Popular with managers who understand neither decimals, fractions, percentages, Roman numerals, but have more than a passing acquaintance with pies and bars. Database Manager: A program that allows the user to manipulate data in every conceivable way except the absolutely essential one he or she conceives of the day after entering 20 megabytes of raw information. Project Manager: Software for generating fantasy scenarios of amazing optimism; proven in computer firms, where it is extremely successful at scheduling advertising campaigns for unavailable products. Integrated Software: A single product that deftly performs hundreds of functions the user never needs and awkwardly performs the half-dozen he uses constantly. Windows: A method of dividing a computer screen into two or more unusably tiny portions. ****************************************************************************** July 3,1990 FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Rumors of the recent development of a super CPU in a secret factory in the breakaway republic of Bananistan seem borne out by documents leaked by high administration sources in an off-the-record briefing last week. What is known so far is that the chip is manufactured under sea moss technology by vapor depositing an ultra-thin substrate of L-triptophan on a base of semi-conducting carob. Using CISC (complicated instruction set) methodology, the CPU is directly programmable in BUNGL, a superset of the BOTCH language discussed in the April 1980 issue of CREATIVE COMPUTING (pp. 16-17), then undergoing Beta test. Speculation persists that World Power Systems is testing a work station optimized for LOGO turtle graphics using the new super chip, but no confirmation was available at press time. ****************************************************************************** Overextended Mnemonics ---------------------- ARRN Add and reset to random number BB Branch on bug BBI Branch on burned-out indicator BBO Branch on bathtub overflow BCF Branch on chip box full BCH Branch on carry flag at half mast BD Backspace disk BPO Branch on power off BS Branch sometimes BSC Burst selector channel BSO Branch on sleepy operator BTI Blow trumpet immediately CCS Chinese character set CRN Convert to Roman Numerals DAC Divide and conquer DAD Disable address and data lines DD Destroy disk DO Divide and overflow DPK Destroy storage protect key DZSR Divide by zero and store remainder ECP Erase card punch ED Eject disk EIO Execute invalid op-code EN Emulate Nintendo EROS Erase read-only storage FSG Fill screen with garbage FSR Forms skip and run away HCF Halt and catch fire IA Illogical and II Interrupt and ignore IL Infinite loop IOR Illogical or IRB Invert record and branch IRT Ignore write-protect tab LCC Load and clear core LIA Load ineffective address LMB Lose message and branch LRB Lose register byte MLR Move and lose record MTI Make tape invalid MWC Move and warp core NPN No program necessary OCS Overwrite code segment OOS Override operating system PBC Print and break chain PI Punch invalid PO Punch operator PPSW Pack program status word PS Print and smear RBT Read blank tape RCR Rewind card reader RCS Read card and scramble data RDI Reverse drum immediately RID Read invalid data RIG Read inter-record gap RBT Rewind and break tape RIM Read instruction manual RM Refresh memory RNR Read noise record ROM Read operator's mind RPM Read programmer's mind RPB Read, print and blush RRCR Rotate right cash register RRR Read record and run away RSC Rewind system clock RSO Resume on stack overflow RT Reduce throughput SC Scramble channels SD Slip disk SDRB Search and destroy register byte SLC Shift left continuous SLP Sharpen light pencil SPSW Scramble program status word SRCC Select reader and chew cards SRSD Seek record and scar disk SSJ Select stacker and jam TAB Throw away byte TAM Transfer accumulator to Minneapolis TPO Turn power off TVT Test vacuum tubes UCB Uncouple CPU and branch UER Update and erase record UPC Uncouple program counter WB Wait for bus WG Wait for Godot WBT Write blank tape WI Wetware interrupt WNR Write noise record WRS Write to ROM storage WWLW Write wrong length word XNH Execute no-op and hang XUI Execute undefined instruction ****************************************************************************** DARK CONSPIRACY INVOLVING ELECTRICAL POWER COMPANIES SURFACES Rewritten by the Quantum Mechanic (Author Unknown) Updated 8/7/88 W0PN For years the electrical utility companies have led the public to believe they were in business to supply electricity to the consumer, a service for which they charge a substantial rate. The recent accidental acquisition of secret records from a well known power company has led to a massive research campaign which positively explodes several myths and exposes the massive hoax which has been perpetrated upon the public by the power companies. The most common hoax promoted the false concept that light bulbs emitted light; in actuality, these 'light' bulbs actually absorb DARK which is then transported back to the power generation stations via wires. A more descriptive name has now been coined; the new scientific name is for the device is DARKSUCKER. This newsletter introduces a brief synopsis of the darksucker theory, which proves the existence of dark and establishes the fact that dark has great mass, and further, that dark is the fastest known particle in the universe. Apparently, even the celebrated Dr. Albert Einstein did not suspect the truth.. that just as COLD is the absence of HEAT, LIGHT is actually the ABSENCE of DARK... light does not really exist! The basis of the darksucker theory is that electric light bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the darksuckers in the room where you are. There is much less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere, demonstrating their limited range. The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Darksuckers in a parking lot or on a football field have a much greater capacity than the ones in used in the home, for example. It may come as a surprise to learn that darksuckers also operate on a celestial scale; witness the Sun. Our Sun makes use of dense dark, sucking it in from all the planets and intervening dark space. Naturally, the Sun is better able to suck dark from the planets which are situated closer to it, thus explaining why those planets appear brighter than do those which are far distant from the Sun. Occasionally, the Sun actually oversucks; under those conditions, dark spots appear on the surface of the Sun. Scientists have long studied these 'sunspots' and are only recently beginning to realize that the dark spots represent leaks of high pressure dark because the Sun has oversucked dark to such an extent that some of actually leaks back into space. This leakage of high pressure dark frequently causes problems with radio communications here on Earth due to collisions between the dark particles as they stream out into space via the black 'holes' in the surface of the Sun. As with all manmade devices, darksuckers have a finite lifetime. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This condition can be observed by looking for the black spot on a full darksucker when it has reached maximum capacity... you have surely noticed that dark completely surrounds a full darksucker because it no longer has the capacity to suck dark at all. A candle is a primitive darksucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive darksuckers have a very limited range and are hazardous to operate because of the intense heat produced. There are also portable darksuckers called flashlights. The bulbs in these devices cannot handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit called a battery. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied (a process called 'recharging') or replaced before the portable darksucker can continue to operate. If you break open a battery, you will find dense black dark inside, evidence that it is actually a compact dark storage unit. The darksuckers on your automobile are high capacity units with great range, thus they require much larger dark storage units mounted under the hood of the vehicle. Since there is far more dark available in the winter season, automobile dark storage units reach capacity more frequently than they do in the summer, requiring 'recharging', or in severe cases, total replacement. Dark has great mass. When dark is drawn into a darksucker, friction caused by the speed of the dark particles (called anti-photons) actually generates substantial heat, thus it is unwise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles represent a special problem, as the dark must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat, making it very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Because dark has such great mass, it is very heavy. If you swim just below the surface of a lake, you see a lot of 'light' (absence of dark, to be more precise). As you go deeper and deeper beneath the surface, you notice it gets darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake, making it appear 'lighter' near the surface. The power companies have learned to use the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes by pushing it through turbines, which generate electricity to help push the dark into the ocean where it may be safely stored for their devious purposes. Prior to the development of turbines, it was much more difficult to get the dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem, and developed means to assist the flow of dark on it's long journey to the ocean. When on a river in a canoe travelling in the same direction as the flow of dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to impede the flow of dark; but when they travelled against the flow of dark, they paddled vigorously to help propel the dark along its way. Scientists are working feverishly to develop exotic new instrumentation with which to measure the actual speed and energy level of dark. While such instrumentation is beyond the capabilities of the average layman, you can actually perform a simple test to demonstrate the unbelievable speed of dark, right in your own home. All that is required for the simple test is a closed desk drawer situated in a bright room. You know from past experience that the tightly shut drawer is FULL of dark. Now, place your hand firmly on the drawer's handle. Quickly yank the drawer open.. the dark immediately disappears, demonstrating the blinding speed with which the dark travels to the nearest darksucker! The secrets of dark are at present known only to the power companies. Dark must be very valuable, since they go to such lengths to collect it in vast quantities. By some well hidden method, more modern power 'generation' facilities have devised methods to hide their collection of dark. The older facilities, however, usually have gargantuan piles of solidified dark in huge fenced in areas. Visitors to these facilities are told the huge black piles of material are supplies of coal, but such is not the case. The power companies have long used code words to hide their activities; D.C. is Dark Conspiracy, whole A.C. is Alternate Conspiracy. The intent of the A.C. is not yet known, but the D.C. is rapidly yielding it's secrets to the probing eyes and instruments of honest scientists around the world. New developments are being announced every day and we promise to keep the public informed of these announcements as they occur via this newsletter. Les Dark, Editor ****************************************************************************** |===>> Is a new MAINFRAME O/S in the works at IBM ?!?! Mail from YORKTOWN received 11-Dec-79 23:33:43-EST Date: 11 Dec 1979 2333-EST From: Watson at YORKTOWN (T. J. Watson, Jr.) Subject: new operating system === ====== === === = = = === === = ===== ==== ==== = = = == == == === ====== === === ------------------------------------------------------------------------ - Data Processing Division Date: January 30, 1979 PROGRAMMING ANNOUNCEMENT New Operating System Because so many users have asked for an operating system of even greater capability than VM, IBM announces the Virtual Universe Operating System - OS/VU. Running under OS/VU, the individual user appears to have not merely a machine of his own, but an entire universe of his own, in which he can set up and take down his own programs, data sets, systems networks, personnel, and planetary systems. He need only specify the universe he desires, and the OS/VU system generation program (IEHGOD) does the rest. This program will reside in SYS1.GODLIB. The minimum time for this function is 6 days of activity and 1 day of review. In conjunction with OS/VU, all system utilities have been replaced by one program (IEHPROPHET) which will reside in SYS1.MESSIAH. This program has no parms or control cards as it knows what you want to do when it is executed. Naturally, the user must have attained a certain degree of sophistication in the data processing field if an efficient utilization of OS/VU is to be achieved. Frequent calls to non-resident galaxies, for instance, can lead to unexpected delays in the execution of a job. Although IBM, through its wholly-owned subsidiary, The United States, is working on a program to upgrade the speed of light and thus reduce the overhead of extraterrestrial and metadimensional paging, users must be careful for the present to stay within the laws of physics. IBM must charge an additional fee for violations. OS/VU will run on any IBM x0xx equipped with Extended WARP Feature. Rental is twenty million dollars per cpu/nanosecond. Microcode assist will be available for all odd-numbered processors to allow the use of non-contiguous CPU clock times. This feature will be a prerequisite for the implementation of the Rutgers University virtual date package. Users should be aware that IBM plans to migrate all existing systems and hardware to OS/VU as soon as our engineers effect one output that is (conceptually) error-free. This will give us a base to develop an even more powerful operating system, target date 2001, designated "Virtual Reality". OS/VR is planned to enable the user to migrate to totally unreal universes. To aid the user in identifying the difference between "Virtual Reality" and "Real Reality", a file containing a linear arrangement of multisensory total records of successive moments of now will be established. Its name will be SYS1.est. For more information, contact your IBM data processing representative. ****************************************************************************** Murphy's Programmers Laws Brook's Law Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. Dijkstra's Law of Programming Inertia If you don't know what your program is supposed to do, you'd better not start writing it. First Maxim of Computers To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer. Gallois's Revelation If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes back out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled, and no one dares to criticize it. Corollary- An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the Grand Fallacy. Glib's Laws of Reliability 1. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Corollary- At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. 2. Any system which relies on human reliability is unreliable. 3. The only difference between the fools and the criminal who attacks a system is that the fool attacks unpredictably and on a broader front. 4. A system tends to grow in terms of complexity rather than simplification, until the resulting unreliability becomes intolerable. 5. Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to the inherant unreliability of the system in which they are used. 6. The error detection and correction capabilities of a system will serve as the key to understanding the types of error which they cannot handle. 7. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. 8. All real programs contain errors unless proven otherwise, which is impossible. 9. Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until somebody insists on getting some useful work done. Golub's Laws of Computerdom 1. Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs. 2. A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; if carefully planned, it will take only twice as long. 3. The effort required to correct course increases geometrically with time. 4. Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress. Goodin's Law of Conversions The new hardware will break down as soon as the old is disconnected and out. Gray's Law of Programming N+1 trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as N trivial tasks. Loggs Rebuttal- N+1 trivial tasks take twice as long as N trivial tasks for N sufficiently large. Grosch's Law Computer power increases as the square of the costs. If you want to do it twice as cheaply, you have to do it four times as fast. Hoare's Law of Large Programs Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out. IBM Pollyanna Principle Machines should work. People should think. Law of Computability as Applied to Social Science Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even more complicated. Law of Computability as Applied to Social Science If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set. Laws of Computer Programming 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer. 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 6. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. 8. Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will discover that programmers cannot write in English. 9. Software is hard. Hardware is soft. It is economically more feasible to build a computer than to program it. 10. An operating system is a feeble attempt to include what was overlooked in the design of a programming language. Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology There's always one more bug. Project scheduling "99" rule The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time. The last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent. Sattlinger's Law It works better if you plug it in. Segal's Law A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure. Shaw's Principle Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it. Troutman's Programming Postilates 1. If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction. 2. Not until a program has been in production for at least six months will the most harmful error be discovered. 3. Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in proper order will be. 4. Interchangeable tapes won't. 5. If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it. 6. Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. The Unspeakable Law As soon as you mention something...if it's good, it goes away; if it's bad, it happens. Weinberg's Law If engineers built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy society as we know it. ******************************************************************************