I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.-- Steven Wright
In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one of the risks he takes.-- Adlai Stevenson
I feel like its a McDonalds world out there and I am wearing the wrong color clown suit. --Nicolas Cage
Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.
Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.--David Letterman
Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.--Lily Tomlin
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.--Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.--Steven Wright
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.--Steven Wright
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.--Steven Wright
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."--Steven Wright
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.--Steven Wright
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.--Steven Wright
(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!--Steven Wright
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.--Steven Wright
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.--Steven Wright
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."--Steven Wright
Is "tired old cliche" one?--Steven Wright
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.-- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.-- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.-- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.-- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.-- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected president.-- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!-- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have.-- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.--Dave Barry
Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.--Dave Barry
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.--Dave Barry
Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word except in major motion pictures.--Dave Barry
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
God didn't create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
When given the choice of two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
When in doubt, ignore it.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Murphy's Law: When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.
Murphy's Law: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Murphy's Law: If enough data is collected, anyghing may be proven by statistical methods.
Murphy's Law: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Murphy's Law: When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight.
Murphy's Law: If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
Drink your coffee---there are people in India sleeping.
EARTH is 98% full. Please delete anybody you can.
People come up to me and they're worried...that I'll reproduce.--Emo Phillips
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. --Emo Phillips
Avoid those abysmally horrible, outrageously repellent exaggerations.
Stamp out and eliminate redundancy.
Everyone should be a non-conformist.
Avoid tumbling off the cliff of triteness into the black abyss of overused metaphors.
Gentlemen! You can't fight in here; this is the war room! -- President Mercan Muffly, from Dr. Strangelove
These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make. -- Steve Martin
When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious! --Steven Wright
Are you really sure that a floor can't also be a ceiling? --M.C. Escher
