The Best of the Bureau/The_Best_of_the_Bureau_Bureau_Development_Inc._1992.iso/dp/0151/01510.txt

Text File | 1992-08-14 | 9KB | 172 lines

$Unique_ID{bob01510}
$Pretitle{}
$Title{Sketches, Old And New
The Siamese Twins}
$Subtitle{}
$Author{Twain, Mark}
$Affiliation{}
$Subject{chang
eng
always
twins
drunk
brother
every
fell
siamese

hear
audio
hear
sound
see
pictures
see
figures
}
$Date{1893}
$Log{Hear Mark Twain*54480013.aud
See Siamese Twins*0151001.scf
}
Title:       Sketches, Old And New
Book:        The Siamese Twins
Author:      Twain, Mark
Date:        1893

The Siamese Twins

     I do not wish to write of the personal habits of these strange creatures
solely, but also of certain curious details of various kinds concerning them,
which belonging only to their private life, have never crept into print.
Knowing the Twins intimately, I feel that I am peculiarly well qualified for
the task I have taken upon myself.

[See Siamese Twins: I do not wish to write of the personal habits of these
strange creatures.]

     The Siamese Twins are naturally tender and affectionate in disposition,
and have clung to each other with singular fidelity throughout a long and
eventful life.  Even as children they were inseparable companions, and it was
noticed that they always seemed to prefer each other's society to that of any
other persons.  They nearly always played together; and, so accustomed was
their mother to this peculiarity, that, whenever both of them chanced to be
lost, she usually only hunted for one of them - satisfied that when she found
that one she would find his brother somewhere in the immediate neighborhood.
And yet these creatures were ignorant and unlettered - barbarians themselves
and the offspring of barbarians, who knew not the light of philosophy and
science, What a withering rebuke is this to our boasted civilization, with its
quarrelings, its wranglings, and its separations of brothers!

     As men, the Twins have not always lived in perfect accord; but still
there has always been a bond between them which made them unwilling to go away
from each other and dwell apart.  They have even occupied the same house, as a
general thing, and it is believed that they have never failed to even sleep
together on any night since they were born.  How surely do the habits of a
lifetime become second nature to us!  The Twins always go to bed at the same
time; but Chang usually gets up about an hour before his brother.  By an
understanding between themselves, Chang does all the indoor work and Eng runs
all the errands.  This is because Eng likes to go out; Chang's habits are
sedentary.  However, Chang always goes along.  Eng is a Baptist, but Chang is
a Roman Catholic; still, to please his brother, Chang consented to be baptized
at the same time that Eng was, on condition that it should not "count." During
the War they were strong partizans, and both fought gallantly all through the
great struggle - Eng on the Union side and Chang on the Confederate.  They
took each other prisoners at Seven Oaks, but the proofs of capture were so
evenly balanced in favor of each, that a general army court had to be
assembled to determine which one was properly the captor, and which the
captive.  The jury was unable to agree for a long time; but the vexed question
was finally decided by agreeing to consider them both prisoners, and then
exchanging them.  At one time Chang was convicted of disobedience of orders
and sentenced to ten days in the guard- house, but Eng, in spite of all
arguments, felt obliged to share his imprisonment, notwithstanding he himself
was entirely innocent; and so, to save the blameless brother from suffering,
they had to discharge both from custody - the just reward of faithfulness.

     Upon one occasion the brothers fell out about something, and Chang
knocked Eng down, and then tripped and fell on him, whereupon both clinched
and began to beat and gourge each other without mercy.  The bystanders
interferred, and tried to separate them, but they could not do it, and so
allowed them to fight it out.  In the end both were disabled, and were carried
to the hospital on one and the same shutter.

     Their ancient habit of going always together had its drawbacks when they
reached man's estate, and entered upon the luxury of courting.  Both fell in
love with the same girl.  Each tried to steal clandestine interviews with her,
but at the critical moment the other would always turn up.  By and by Eng saw,
with distraction, that Chang had won the girl's affections; and, from that day
forth, he had to bear with the agony of being a witness to all their dainty
billing and cooing.  But with a magnanimity that did him infinite credit, he
succumbed to his fate, and gave countenance and encouragement to a state of
things that bade fair to sunder his generous heartstrings.  He sat from seven
every evening until two in the morning, listening to the fond foolishness of
the two lovers, and to the concussion of hundreds of squandered kisses - for
the privilege of sharing only one of which he would have given his right hand.
But he sat patiently, and waited, and gaped, and yawned, and stretched, and
longed for two o'clock to come.  And he took long walks with the lovers on
moonlight evenings - sometimes traversing ten miles, notwithstanding he was
usually suffering from rheumatism.  He is an inveterate smoker; but he could
not smoke on these occasions, because the young lady was painfully sensitive
to the smell of tobacco.  Eng cordially wanted them married, and done with it;
but although Chang often asked the momentous question, the young lady could
not gather sufficient courage to answer it while Eng was by.  However, on one
occasion, after having walked some sixteen miles, and sat up till nearly
daylight, Eng dropped asleep, from sheer exhaustion, and then the question was
asked and answered.  The lovers were married.  All acquainted with the
circumstance applauded the noble brother-in-law.  His unwavering faithfulness
was the theme of every tongue.  He had stayed by them all through their long
and arduous courtship; and when at last they were married, he lifted his hands
above their heads, and said with impressive unction, "Bless ye, my children I
will never desert ye!" and he kept his word.  Fidelity like this is all too
rare in this cold world.

     By and by Eng fell in love with his sister-in-law's sister, and married
her, and since that day they have all lived together, night and day, in an
exceeding sociability which is touching and beautiful to behold, and is a
scathing rebuke to our boasted civilization.

     The sympathy existing between these two brothers is so close and so
refined that the feelings, the impulses, the emotions of the one are instantly
experienced by the other.  When one is sick, the other is sick; when one feels
pain, the other feels it; when one is angered, the other's temper takes fire.
We have already seen with what happy facility they both fell in love with the
same girl.  Now, Chang is bitterly opposed to all forms of intemperance, on
principle; but Eng is the reverse - for, while these men's feelings and
emotion are so closely wedded, their reasoning faculties are unfettered; their
thoughts are free.  Chang belongs to the Good Templars and is a hard working,
enthusiastic supporter of all temperance reforms.  But, to his bitter
distress, every now and then Eng gets drunk, and, of course that makes Chang
drunk too.  This unfortunate thing has been a great sorrow to Chang, for it
almost destroys his usefulness in his favorite field of effort.  As sure as he
is to head a great temperance procession Eng ranges up alongside of him,
prompt to the minute, and drunk as a lord; but yet no more dismally and
hopelessly drunk than his brother, who has not tasted a drop.  And so the two
begin to hoot and yell, and throw mud and bricks at the Good Templars; and of
course they break up the procession.  It would be manifestly wrong to punish
Chang for what Eng does, and, therefore, the Good Templars accept the untoward
situation, and suffer in silence and sorrow.  They have officially and
deliberately examined into the ma