The Best of the Bureau/The_Best_of_the_Bureau_Bureau_Development_Inc._1992.iso/dp/0134/01341.txt

Text File | 1992-08-07 | 16KB | 296 lines

$Unique_ID{bob01341}
$Pretitle{}
$Title{Adventures Of Huckleberry Finn, The
All Full Of Tears And Flapdoodle}
$Subtitle{}
$Author{Twain, Mark}
$Affiliation{}
$Subject{says
king
duke
it's
hands
like
poor
ain't
come
way}
$Date{}
$Log{}
Title:       Adventures Of Huckleberry Finn, The
Author:      Twain, Mark

All Full Of Tears And Flapdoodle

     The news was all over town in two minutes, and you could see the people
tearing down on the run from every which way, some of them putting on their
coats as they come.  Pretty soon we was in the middle of a crowd, and the
noise of the tramping was like a soldier march.  The windows and dooryards
was full; and every minute somebody would say, over a fence:

     "Is it them?"

     And somebody trotting along with the gang would answer back and say:

     "You bet it is."

     When we got to the house the street in front of it was packed, and the
three girls was standing in the door.  Mary Jane was red-headed, but that
don't make no difference, she was most awful beautiful, and her face and her
eyes was all lit up like glory, she was so glad her uncles was come.  The
king he spread his arms, and Mary Jane she jumped for them, and the harelip
jumped for the duke, and there they had it!  Everybody most, leastways
women, cried for joy to see them meet again at last and have such good times.

     Then the king he hunched the duke private - I see him do it - and then
he looked around and see the coffin, over in the corner on two chairs; so
then him and the duke, with a hand across each other's shoulder, and t'other
hand to their eyes, walked slow and solemn over there, everybody dropping
back to give them room, and all the talk and noise stopping, people saying
"'Sh!" and all the men taking their hats off and drooping their heads, so you
could 'a' heard a pin fall.  And when they got there they bent over and
looked in the coffin, and took one sight, and then they bust out a-crying so
you could 'a' heard them to Orleans, most; and then they put their arms
around each other's necks, and hung their chins over each other's shoulders;
and then for three minutes, or maybe four, I never see two men leak the way
they done.  And, mind you, everybody was doing the same; and the place was
that damp I never see anything like it.  Then one of them got on one side of
the coffin, and t'other on t'other side, and they kneeled down and rested
their foreheads on the coffin, and let on to pray all to themselves.  Well,
when it come to that it worked the crowd like you never see anything like it,
and everybody broke down and went to sobbing right out loud - the poor girls,
too; and every woman nearly, went up to the girls, without saying a word, and
kissed them, solemn, on the forehead, and then put their hand on their head,
and looked up towards the sky, with the tears running down, and then busted
out and went off sobbing and swabbing, and give the next woman a show.  I
never see anything so disgusting.

     Well, by and by the king he gets up and comes forward a little, and
works himself up and slobbers out a speech, all full of tears and flapdoodle,
about its being a sore trial for him and his poor brother to lose the
diseased, and to miss seeing diseased alive after the long journey of four
thousand mile, but it's a trial that's sweetened and sanctified to us by this
dear sympathy and these holy tears, and so he thanks them out of his heart
and out of his brother's heart, because out of their mouths they can't, words
being too weak and cold, and all that kind of rot and slush, till it was just
sickening; and then he blubbers out a pious goody-goody Amen, and turns
himself loose and goes to crying fit to bust.

     And the minute the words were out of his mouth somebody over in the
crowd struck up the doxolojer, and everybody joined in with all their might,
and it just warmed you up and made you feel as good as church letting out.
Music is a good thing; and after all that soul-butter and hogwash I never see
it freshen up things so, and sound so honest and bully.

     Then the king begins to work his jaw again, and says how him and his
nieces would be glad if a few of the main principal friends of the family
would take supper here with them this evening, and help set up with the ashes
of the diseased; and says if his poor brother laying yonder could speak he
knows who he would name, for they was names that was very dear to him, and
mentioned often in his letters; and so he will name the same, to wit, as
follows, viz.: - Rev Mr. Hobson, and Deacon Lot Hovey, and Mr. Ben Rucker,
and Abner Shackleford, and Levi Bell, and Dr. Robinson, and their wives, and
the widow Bartley.

     Rev. Hobson and Dr. Robinson was down to the end of the town a-hunting
together - that is, I mean the doctor was shipping a sick man to t'other
world, and the preacher was pinting him right.  Lawyer Bell was away up to
Louisville on business.  But the rest was on hand, and so they all come and
shook hands with the king and thanked him and talked to him; and then they
shook hands with the duke and didn't say nothing, but just kept a-smiling and
bobbing their heads like a passel of sapheads whilst he made all sorts of
signs with his hands and said "Goo-goo - goo-goo-goo" all the time, like a
baby that can't talk.

     So the king he blattered along, and managed to inquire about pretty much
everybody and dog in town, by his name, and mentioned all sorts of little
things that happened one time or another in the town, or to George's family,
or to Peter.  And he always let on that Peter wrote him the things; but that
was a lie: he got every blessed one of them out of that young flathead that
we canoed up to the steamboat.

     Then Mary Jane she fetched the letter her father left behind, and the
king he read it out loud and cried over it.  It give the dwelling-house and
three thousand dollars, gold, to the girls; and it give the tanyard (which
was doing a good business), along with some other houses and land (worth
about seven thousand), and three thousand dollars in gold to Harvey and
William, and told where the six thousand cash was hid down cellar.  So these
two frauds said they'd go and fetch it up, and have everything square and
aboveboard; and told me to come with a candle.  We shut the cellar door
behind us, and when they found the bag they spilt it out on the floor, and it
was a lovely sight, all them yaller-boys.  My, the way the king's eyes did
shine!  He slaps the duke on the shoulder and says:

     "Oh, this ain't bully nor noth'n!  Oh, no, I reckon not!  Why, Biljy, it
beats the Nonesuch, don't it?"

     The duke allowed it did.  They pawed the yaller-boys, and sifted them
through their fingers and let them jingle down on the floor; and the king
says:

     "It ain't no use talkin'; bein' brothers to a rich dead man and
representatives of furrin heirs that's got left is the line for you and me,
Bilge.  Thish yer come of trust'n to Providence.  It's the best way, in the
long run.  I've tried 'em all, and ther' ain't no better way."

     Most everybody would 'a' been satisfied with the pile, and took it on
trust; but no, they must count it.  So they counts it, and it comes out four
hundred and fifteen dollars short.  Says the king:

     "Dern him, I wonder what he done with that four hundred and fifteen
dollars?"

     They worried over that awhile, and ransacked all around for it.  Then
the duke says:

     "Well, he was a pretty sick man, and likely he made a mistake - I reckon
that's the way of it.  The best way's to let it go, and keep still about it.
We can spare it."

     "Oh, shucks, yes, we can spare it.  I don't k'yer noth'n 'bout that -
it's the count I'm thinkin' about.  We want to be awful square and open and
aboveboard here, you know.  We want to lug this h'yer money up-stairs and
count it before everybody - then ther' ain't noth'n suspicious.  But when the
dead man says ther's six thous'n dollars, you know, we don't want to -"

     "Hold on," says the duke.  "Le