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1995-01-04
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BONDAGE TECHNIQUES FOR SHY FOLKS
-------------------------------------------------------------
Introduction and General Comments
Since I received a warm welcome to a.s.b as a result of my first post
(thanks to everyone who responded!), I was encouraged to write
another article for this group. I hope it successfully serves three
purposes:
1) Shares with you some of my bondage experience;
2) Provides a little practical education for beginners,
especially those who are shy and find this stuff fascinating,
but don't know how to proceed safely in the physical, mental, or
emotional sense--alone or with a partner;
3) Sparks some further detailed conversation about the
preparations, restraints and arrangements other a.s.b'ers use
for play. I want to learn, too!
I am _not_ an expert, so I don't expect this article to be
tremendously interesting to you serious bondage-folk, except perhaps
to refresh your memory as to what it was like when you started these
peculiar habits :^)
As far as I'm concerned, sexual [fore, during, or after] play is not
always necessary for good bondage, as several others have noted in
this news group. Vice-versa too: bondage is not at all necessary for
good sex--but it can certainly enhance it at times. Now that a
balance is portrayed... Bondage _is_ the subject at hand, so I will
attempt to expound a little.
I do not have any advice as to how to make social connections. I am
new to a.s.b myself, and in fact, I have never attended any seminars
or parties where folks into bondage congregated in one place. So,
this article simply elaborates a little on the accoutrements and
techniques of my own limited experience by myself and with a few
partners.
With low-level bondage scenes in the past, it was common for me to be
somewhat frustrated on the bottom, because I wanted to feel more
helpless--but my partner did not have the mind-set to play more
seriously at the time. When I was top and she was bottom, she was
afraid for me to experiment--not because of a lack of trust, but
because she just wasn't able to accept anything that seemed too
"weird" or "kinky" as she defined it. Without freaking my partner (or
myself for that matter) with sophisticated restraints or
instructional documentation (heavy porn bondage mags, videos, etc.),
I have, over the years, discovered a number of discreet restraints
and arrangements (positions) that can provide an enjoyable and
effective level of bondage. Some of these techniques I have practiced
with my partner, but not all of them. Of course, it's more enjoyable
if you have an available and willing partner; otherwise, you have to
"top" yourself.
These notes are primarily for you shy, "I wish it would happen to me"
closet a.s.b readers (I know there's a lot of you :^) who desire to
experiment more with bondage, and to gently introduce your willing
partner to it--but perhaps you don't have the guts to march into a
serious adult/leather store, order wild restraints from catalogs, or
even study magazines or videos for techniques. You're also afraid of
your friends or family stumbling onto a drawer, box or closet full of
"weird kinky shit." I know; I've been one of those cautious
people--but then again I've had an amazing variety of unsophisticated
fun and excitement with bondage since I was pre-pubescent; certainly
long before I knew that anyone else did it. And even as life and fun
has continued thereafter, as far as I am aware, nobody except my
partner has known that I have effective (and economical) bondage (and
other) sex toys available in the comfort and convenience of my own
home, without even needing a secret drawer or treasure box. Pssst
<whisper>: Actually, my partner only knew about a fraction of the
possibilities!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Mental/Emotional Preparation of a Bondage "Virgin"
A common question in a.s.b (and a few private e-mails to me)
goes something like this: I wonder how I should effectively introduce
my partner to bondage? I've tried sharing some [videos, magazines,
books, etc.], and sometimes s/he gets excited, but often more
disgusted than anything else. What now?
First of all, I suggest you don't spring wild bondage media on your
partner by way of introduction. If it is unfamiliar territory, then
revulsion or fright is a normal response. Almost nobody is raised in
an environment where being seriously tied up and fucked is considered
a positive act. If your partner has not been exposed to heavy porn
before, s/he will have a mixed reaction at best, and totally recoil
from it (and even you) at worst.
"Creating your own story" is probably better than forcing a canned
bondage story onto someone. I found that my partners have been
somewhat comfortable doing scenes with me that they never read, saw,
or heard of before--but if they had seen it in a heavy porn mag or
video first, I'm sure they would have never done it with me
subsequently--because that level of media offended them. Plain text
is probably less offensive to sensitive people, so if you insist on
providing reading material as an introduction, a printout of a
light-duty a.s.b story (_not_ Cindy's Torment) might a be better bet
than Bondage Buddies #12 magazine. Your partner's imagination might
well be _better_ stimulated by hir _own_ idea of what the scene
should look like...
Patience, patience, patience. Don't _break_ your partner's limits
--test, then _gently_ push the limits instead. If s/he isn't
comfortable with your advances, then you aren't properly laying the
foundation of trust and respect that is absolutely necessary for more
serious bondage.
Think of the next incremental step you would like to take with your
partner, then, at the appropriate time, either discuss it or turn it
into play, depending on how you and your partner best communicate. Be
willing to back off if s/he is not into it at the moment. Try again
from a different angle some other time.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Disclaimer and Warnings
I will be held harmless from any consequences of anyone using the
following notes for their own activities. Don't use self-tightening
knots that cut off circulation. You should frequently check for
blueness, coldness, or numbness, then adjust accordingly. Be
_exceedingly_ careful to leave yourself an escape route if you
practice self-bondage. The fleeting thrill of getting stuck is _not_
worth the embarrassment of the wrong person finding you all tied up,
or worse yet, nobody finding you at all. Know and stay within your
limits. You will notice that many of the arrangements I suggest are
particularly suited for a male/female pair, but that is not to
discriminate--it's only my experience. Plus it's _all_ IMHO.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Restraints
There's an abundance of seemingly innocuous restraining devices
available all around you; Off hand I can remember using the following
items over the years to tie up myself or my partner, any of which can
be found around the house or garage without embarrassing anyone:
Cloth, leather, and plastic belts of all kinds, flat 1" nylon straps
(used for camping), elastic sports bandages, pantyhose, thigh-highs,
long socks, long tights, leather horse reins, plastic tubing, ribbon
and lace, (surprising how strong some of it is), bungee cords, rope
(a bit abrasive), nylon or leather dog leashes, chain, an exercise
apparatus (the one that attaches to your doorknob and has a loop for
each hand and foot), plastic wire ties (has to be cut off), duct tape
and packing tape (ouch on the body hair), thick wire (nasty if you're
careless), a long leather whip, velcro straps, and a corset or bra
that is worn with the back hooked around something else like a pole
or chair back member. I'm sure there are other handy clothing or
household items appropriate for these purposes--do you have any
favorites?
I've also used sheets, blankets, sleeping bags, Saran wrap,
self-adhesive shelf paper, and shower curtains to otherwise restrain
myself by wrapping them around me (yes, it's challenging to do it
effectively without help). I halfway blame this extraordinary habit
on my two older female cousins who decided [when our parents
periodically visited each other] that I should be rolled up tightly
in a blanket then secured by them sitting on me or tying belts around
me. I don't know where they got this idea (they were only a few years
older than me, and I was only about 10), and I don't know what they
got out of it--but it sure made an impression on me. Maybe that's why
I like body hugs now. I even sleep better when the blanket is wrapped
around me. A partial regression to the womb environment, maybe? I
don't know. Does anyone else out there like this "wrapping" kind of
bondage?
My cousins also liked to tickle me, but that's a story I'll expand on
another time, probably by e-mail instead of public post (if this
interests you, I suggest that you get yourself added to the Tickle!
e-mail list, administrated by Jeanette a.k.a. jdravk@transarc.com).
-------------------------------------------------------------
Arrangement #1: "Virgin" Woman Bottom
This is good for a woman who has not been restrained during sex
before. It requires no restraint devices, so it does not seem too
threatening. After she is already excited, have her lie on her
stomach on the bed, legs spread slightly, with her elbows by her
sides, and her hands up toward her head. Lie on top of her, putting
your upper arms under her armpits (your arms will then be inside
hers), then firmly hold her wrists (your hands on top). Hug her
tightly, :^) then enter at will. In this arrangement, a bottom who
has weaker muscles than the top will have considerable difficulty
squirming away from the determined top, although it is possible. This
can make for a fun play-wrestle-struggle (one of my favorites)
Actually, this arrangement makes a wonderfully secure body hug even
with clothes on, whether or not you feel sexy at the moment (a good
way to previously introduce the position, perhaps?).
-------------------------------------------------------------
Arrangement #2: "Virgin" Woman Bottom, Next Step
Same as arrangement 1, except tie her ankles to the corners of the
foot of the bed. Since her arms are still not tied to anything, there
is potential for struggle, but it is considerably more secure than
arrangement #1.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Arrangement #3: "Virgin" Man Bottom
This is good for a man bottom who has not been restrained during sex
before. It requires only two restraints. Simply have him lie on his
back, then tie his wrists to the corners of the head of the bed, then
have at it. I think a man new to bondage will find this exciting, but
not threatening, because, with his legs free, he feels like he can
easily protect himself from advances. Of course, this also works for
a woman.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Arrangement #4: Classic Spread-Eagle
I suppose everybody knows this one. Tie each wrist and ankle to the
nearest bed corner. This makes a nice next-step for the man who was
last in arrangement #3. It might sound secure, but actually it is
still not entirely threatening. I have found that if I am tied in
this position on my back, I can still prevent my top from effectively
fucking me, simply by flexing the muscles in my upper legs. When my
knees are free, I still have some control, despite the fact that I am
the bottom. A woman in this position might also be able to resist
full penetration since her knees are free, but usually the woman has
less control in this position than a man, so it can be more
exciting/scary for her.
For a variation, flip the bottom onto his/her stomach in this
arrangement.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Arrangement #5: Secure Spread-Eagle
Same as #4, but also tie the knees toward the edges of the bed (the
tie should be just above the knee). This is quite effective, because
mobile knees were the spread-eagled bottom's last hope for a bit of
control. S/he can lie on the stomach or back.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Arrangement #6: Man Bottom, Knees Together
This is probably my favorite simple way to render the man helpless to
the woman's advances. Tie the man's knees together (just above the
knee), then tie his ankles together. Have him lie flat on his back on
the bed, then tie the ankle restraint to a mid-way point below the
foot of the bed. If there is no convenient mid-point anchor, then run
a rope/strap/whatever from one corner bed foot up through the ankle
tie, then back down to the other corner bed foot. Then tie his hands
to the head board corners so there is little slack. I have found that
when I am in this position, I cannot avoid a sound fucking from my
partner when she straddles me (and I love it when she also lays her
torso down and hugs me tightly). This is particularly exciting
because we know that I will eventually come no matter how much I lie
still, or how much I struggle.
You can also tie the bottom (man or woman) stomach down in this
arrangement.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Arrangement #7: Moon-Side-Up Hand-to-Ankle
Have your partner lie on hir stomach then tightly grasp hir own
ankles with hir hands (left hand to left ankle, right hand to right
ankle). Pantyhose or elastic sports bandages work well for this: wrap
the restraint around and around the left hand/ankle in an X pattern
(you'll see when you do it), then do the same for the right. Stretch
the restraint enough so that s/he cannot let go of their ankles, but
not so much that the circulation is impeded (be willing to stop and
adjust this later if s/he asks). Once you lay on top of your partner
in this position, s/he will be mostly helpless depending on your
weight and muscle ratio.
BTW, when using stretchy restraints, the bottom will be more
comfortable and secure if you use more and/or longer restraints but
don't stretch them as tightly. This distributes the pressure more
evenly. For example, in this arrangement #7, two or three pairs of
nylons per bond works _far_ better than one pair that is too tight.
(this also helps prevent "love marks," those red blotches from tiny
broken blood vessels just under the skin).
-------------------------------------------------------------
Obviously, there are other approaches to bondage--and there are
countless other devices, arrangements, and places to do it besides a
bed. The ideas in this article are just a sampling from a novice, for
other novices. Be safe and have fun!
Yours until next time,
Dances-With-Aardvarks dances-with-aardvarks@cup.portal.com