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  HAVE AN IMPERFECTLY HAPPY HOLIDAY

     Overcoming the blues in this
     season of high expectations.

         By Elizabeth Lesser


[DAVE'S FORWARD:] I found this great
article just after issue 242 shipped.
But it is great advice -- and not just
for the holiday season.


    It's that time of year again, when
into the dark little month of December
we squeeze Hanukkah, Christmas,
Kwanzaa, New Year's Eve, and a myriad
of other celebrations... and all the
school plays, office parties, and
community gatherings that go with
them. Throw into the mix a generous
dose of unrealistic expectations,
budget-busting shopping, dysfunctional
family feasts, airplane flights,
darker days, colder weather, excess
eating and drinking, and no wonder
that along with "peace on earth,
goodwill toward men," come anxiety,
exhaustion, and depression.

    But this year you can do something
to spin your stress into the gold that
is the promise of the season.
Understanding and relinquishing your
unrealistic expectations are the best
ways I know to beat the blues. Here
are three truths about the holidays
that may help.

    There is no such thing as a normal
holiday...

    "The first thing you can do to
reduce holiday angst is to delete the
word "normal" from your vocabulary. I
once saw a bumper sticker that read,
"Normal is someone you don't know very
well." This is always a good thing to
keep in mind, especially now, when we
assume that the normal people are all
having happier, healthier, and more
harmonious holidays than we are. We
imagine their mailboxes stuffed with
Christmas cards and party invitations,
their homes decorated in Martha
Stewart splendor, their intact and
idyllic families primed for weeks of
good cheer.

    I don't know these people -- do
you? In my work at Omega Institute, I
have met thousands of people from all
walks of life. I have yet to meet a
"normal" one, if normal means
consistently sane, contented, and
capable. And yet most of us hold
ourselves up to an unattainable
standard of human perfection.

    The 12th-century Sufi poet Rumi
called this phenomenon the "Open
Secret". He said each one of us is
trying to hide the same secret from
each other -- not some racy or evil
secret, but the mere fact of our
flawed humanness. We expend so much
energy trying to conceal our ordinary
bewilderment at being human, or our
loneliness in the crowd, or that
nagging sense that everyone else has
it more together than we do, that we
miss out on the chance to really
connect, which is what we ultimately
long for.

    Especially during the holidays.
Even those people who may seem to be
living out our idealized vision of the
season have an Open Secret.

    This holiday season, open up your
Open Secret. Overcome your
embarrassment at being human.

    Tell a friend that you didn't get
one party invitation. Maybe she will
reveal the same thing, or she'll bring
you to the one party on her list, or
together you'll go to your local
homeless shelter and help the kids
decorate the tree.

    Tell your brother that you are
worried about how much your mother
drinks at Christmas dinner; ask him to
support you in dealing more honestly
with her this year.

    Don't just say "Fine!" when a
colleague asks how you are at the
office party. Say, "Sometimes all this
ho-ho-ho makes me feel lonely."

    You'll be surprised by the
response. Suddenly a mere acquaintance
will open up to you, and soon you'll
feel more connected, not only to him,
but to the real meaning of the
holidays. And talking about meaning...

    The holidays are about joy, but
also about struggle...

    All of the religious parables at
the heart of the holidays are about
awakening joy in times of darkness.
They are about hope and hopelessness;
home and exile; celebration and grief.
They are never just about joy. Joy is
the gold we mine on the spiritual
path, but that path traverses all
sorts of uncertain and difficult
terrain.

    So when you feel the darkness of
the season settle in your heart, you
can connect with a whole lineage of
spiritual seekers who have wrestled
with the human condition throughout
history.

    Turn to the spiritual teachings of
Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, winter
solstice, and the lesser-known
December holidays.

    You probably didn't know that
December 8 is Rohatsu, which
commemorates the day in 566 BC when
the Buddha attained enlightenment.
Like Mary and Joseph who found no
welcome at the inn and birthed the
baby Jesus in a manger, and like the
Maccabees who reclaimed the desecrated
Temple and lit the miraculous light
celebrated on Hanukkah, the Buddha
awakened his joy after a long
struggle, under a tree, alone and
hungry.

    Richard Rohr, a Franciscan Father
writes, "Truth and goodness are not
always found at the top, but often on
the edge and at the bottom... Not in
the center of empire, but in the
backwaters of Bethlehem. Not among the
established, but clearly among those
who are dis-established."

    Christmas is the ultimate story of
outsiders finding sanctuary, creating
family, and bringing forth joy against
all odds. If you are feeling
alienated, or anxious, or full of
grief-or if the despair of the world
is weighing heavily in your heart-you
need look no further than the stories
of the season to help you find light
in the darkest month of the year.

    Imperfect holidays can be happy
holidays...

    M. Scott Peck started his famous
book, "The Road Less Traveled," with
these lines: "Life is difficult...
Once we truly know that life is
difficult-once we truly understand and
accept it -- then life is no longer
difficult." The same can be said for
the holidays.

    Once we get with the program that
no one skates through December, we can
get on with having an imperfectly
wonderful holiday season. We can let
go of wanting a different family, and
try to enjoy the wacky one we already
have. If we cherish our childhood
memories, we can be grateful for those
we can duplicate in our adult worlds,
and realistic about those we can't.
Or, if our memories are meager and
mean, we can hitch our wagon to new
rituals that we create from scratch.

    If we feel lonely, or exhausted,
or misanthropic, or angry, or
overwhelmed, or just a little sad,
there are all sorts of tricks in
Santa's bag for climbing out of a blue
mood. But don't try too hard: forcing
any kind of mood usually backfires and
turns into its opposite. Try too hard
to be jolly, and you'll end up down in
the dumps.

    Instead, let yourself be exactly
as you are. Slow down, breathe deeply,
and invite the sacred into your heart
each time your mind races or your
emotions sink.

    Perhaps down at the bottom of the
quiet well of your heart, you will
discover some questions brewing in the
fertile darkness: Am I harboring an
old resentment? Is there someone I
need to forgive? Is there something I
must say to a family member or a
friend? Am I longing for more
spiritual nourishment? Is my full
aliveness being dulled by a
relationship, a substance, work,
weight, whatever?

    In the true spirit of the
holidays, let the darkness of your
moods lead you back up to the light,
and when the New Year rolls around,
your resolutions will be infused with
new authenticity and power.

 EL

[DAVE'S AFTER-THOUGHT:] People ask me
why we have to have Christmas during
the coldest time of the year, when
storms threaten journeys to see
families with long layovers at O'Hare.

The answer is that we [NEED] a holiday
of light in the darkness. It gets us
through the long winter nights.

 DMM