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2022-08-26
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Job Application
Ripped from the Web
[This is an actual job application]
[that a 75 year old senior citizen]
[submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.]
[They hired him anyway!]
NAME: George Martin
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for
the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President
or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a
position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus
stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that's
not possible, make an offer and we
can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle
management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm
worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My
incredible collection of stolen pens
and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m.
Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a
more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS
THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING
UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more
appropriate question here would be
"Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS
OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearing
House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my
breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN
FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy
blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that
now.
NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE
AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
***Old People Rock! ***