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Text File  |  1996-02-14  |  5KB  |  135 lines
  1.  
  2.                    HOW TO REPORT ON DEVELOPMENT STATUS
  3.  
  4.                                  Cronic
  5.  
  6. When  visiting  other  countries it is helpful to have a translator.  So,
  7. when  visiting  DC or related government activities, this guide will help
  8. to better understand the presented briefing or topic.  :-)
  9.  
  10.  
  11. Write in your report...                What it means:
  12. -------------------------------        --------------
  13.  
  14. Essentially complete                   It's half done
  15.  
  16. Schedule exposure                      It slipped three weeks ago
  17.  
  18. We predict                             We hope to God
  19.  
  20. Screen design is lagging               Not a single screen exists
  21.  
  22. Risk is high but acceptable            100 to 1 odds; or, with 10 times
  23.                                        the budget and 10 times the
  24.                                        people, we stand a 50/50 chance
  25.  
  26. Potential show stopper                 The team has updated their resumes
  27.  
  28. Serious, but no insurmountable         It'll take a miracle
  29. problems
  30.  
  31. Basic agreement reached                The &%$#@'s won't even talk to us
  32.  
  33. Results are being quantified           We're massaging the numbers so
  34.                                        that they will agree with our
  35.                                        conclusions
  36.  
  37. Task force to review                   7 people who are incompetent at
  38.                                        their regular jobs have been
  39.                                        loaned to the project
  40.  
  41. Not well defined                       Nobody's thought about it
  42.  
  43. Not well understood                    Now that we've thought about it,
  44.                                        we don't want to think about it
  45.                                        anymore
  46.  
  47. Requires further analysis              Totally out of control
  48. and management attention
  49.  
  50. Results are encouraging                Power-on produced no smoke
  51.  
  52. Awaiting installation                  Design package has been thrown 
  53.                                        over fence to operations
  54.  
  55. Awaiting redlines                      Operations threw it back
  56.  
  57. Hardware installation complete         It's software's fault
  58.  
  59. Software installation complete         It's hardware's fault
  60.  
  61. Hardware and software                  It's operation's fault
  62. installation complete
  63.  
  64. Software is cycling                    Computer must be rebooted
  65.                                        after each pass
  66.  
  67. System is ready for delivery           We give up
  68.  
  69. System was shipped                     It's lost in our warehouse
  70.  
  71. We would like to offer                 Give us more money and we'll try
  72.                                        to enhancements/upgrades make
  73.                                        it work.
  74.  
  75. A number of different                  We're still guessing.
  76. approaches are being tried.
  77.  
  78. An extensive report is being           We just hired three kids right out
  79. prepared for a fresh                   of college.
  80. approach to the problem.
  81.  
  82. Close project coordination             We know who to blame.
  83.  
  84. A major technological                  It works okay, but looks very high
  85. breakthrough                           tech.
  86.  
  87. Customer satisfaction is               We are so far behind schedule the
  88. assured on delivery.                   customer will be happy to get it
  89.                                        at all.
  90.  
  91. Preliminary operational tests          The damn thing blew up when we
  92. were inconclusive.                     turned it on.
  93.  
  94. Test results were extremely            We're surprised the stupid thing
  95. gratifying.                            works.
  96.  
  97. The entire concept will have           The only person who understood
  98. to be abandoned.                       the thing quit.
  99.  
  100. It's still in process.                 It's so wrapped up in red tape
  101.                                        that the situation is hopeless.
  102.  
  103. We'll look into it.                    Forget it! We have enough 
  104.                                        problems for now.
  105.  
  106. Please read and initial.               Let's spread responsibility 
  107.                                        around for the screw up.
  108.  
  109. Give us the benefit of your            We'll listen to what you have to
  110. thinking.                              say as long as it doesn't 
  111.                                        interfere with what we've already
  112.                                        done.
  113.  
  114. Give us your interpretation.           I can't wait to hear this BS.
  115.  
  116. See me, let's discuss it.              Come into my office, I'm lonely.
  117.  
  118. All new                                Parts not interchangeable with
  119.                                        the previous design.
  120.  
  121. Rugged                                 Too damn heavy to lift!
  122.  
  123. Lightweight                            Lighter than RUGGED.
  124.  
  125. Years of development                   One finally worked.
  126.  
  127. Energy saving                          Savings are achieved when the 
  128.                                        power switch is off.
  129.  
  130. Low maintenance                        Impossible to fix if broken.
  131.  
  132.  
  133. END
  134. ---
  135.