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1996-02-14
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FIFTY WAYS TO GET RID OF YOUR DATE
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1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give
the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches
for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant,
and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high
school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what
they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms
outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in
fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins
talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their
plate than they do.
19. Drool.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray
crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in
front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head
waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the
restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask
him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"
23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing
the subject up.
26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows,
where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can
keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper
shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table
that isn't bolted down.
33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
35. Auction your date off for silverware.
36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your
food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the
potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for
you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape,
and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.
40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or
just nonsense).
42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the
table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs.
Insist that they just need airing out.
43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu.
Take one bite.
44. Bring 20 or so candles with you, and during the meal get up and
arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them
home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than
actually feeding her.
46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee,
and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free
refills.
48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a
simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to
make sure no one poisoned it.
49. Accuse your date of espionage.
50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
Captain Mindy
&
Carbonated Milk: The Drink of The Future
END
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