The Devil's Doorknob BBS Capture (1996-2003)/devilsdoorknobbbscapture1996-2003.iso/Dloads/TEXTFILE/STWRIGHT.ZIP/QUOTES.BBS

File List | 1995-01-13 | 12KB | 296 lines

@0F@A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the
entire planet Earth taken from space.  On the back it said,
"Wish you were here."
                              @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
                              @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
                              @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
                              @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.  They
said, "What for?"  I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
                              @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that
much time.
                              @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
the statues that are in all the other museums.
                              @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
Boy With Pail...  Kitten On Fire.
                              @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".  So
I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
                             @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big
buffet in the shape of an Ouija board.  You'd think about what
kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor
to it.
                              @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.
in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
                              @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I went to a general store.  They wouldn't let me buy anything
specifically.
                              @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked
me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
                              @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's.  The
clerk said, "ten-four."
                              @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I was in the grocery store.  I saw a sign that said "pet
supplies".  So I did.  Then I went outside and saw a sign that
said "compact cars".
                              @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.  When I got
there, the guy was locking the front door.  I said, "Hey, the
sign says you're open 24 hours."  He said, "Yes, but not in a
row."
                              @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I love to go shopping.  I love to freak out salespeople.  They
ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything
I'd like?"  Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra
medium."
                              @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.
She said, "It's free with purchase."  I asked her if anyone
bought anything today.
                              @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I met this wonderful girl at Macy's.  She was buying clothes and
I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
                              @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
                              @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took it to
the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a
different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
                              @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...  I put
them in the same room and let them fight it out.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press?  I
don't get it...
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I invented the cordless extension cord.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.  I called
someone.  They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@My roommate got a pet elephant.  Then it got lost.  It's in the
apartment somewhere.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I installed a skylight in my apartment....  The people who live
above me are furious!
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany.  She said, "Cut
it out."
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@Doing a little work around the house.  I put fake brick
wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one
who knew.  People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch
it...  it feels real."
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms
above...  so I never have to go upstairs.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night.
I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I have a microwave fireplace in my house...  The other night I
laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road.  I don't know how
I got there.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was
in the shape of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they
weren't included.  So I had to buy them again.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get
out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@My house is on the median strip of a highway.  You don't really
notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.
I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it
looks like I'm the only one moving.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I play the harmonica.  The only way I can play is if I get my
car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@07@

@0F@I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one
out.  Now my car goes 500 miles per hour.  The harmonica sounds
*amazing*.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I had to stop driving my car for a while...  the tires got
dizzy.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@My neighbor has a circular driveway...  he can't get out.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I have an answering machine in my car.  It says, "I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I saw a sign:  "Rest Area 25 Miles".  That's pretty big.  Some
people must be really tired.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.  He said,
"Didn't you see the stop sign?"  I said, "Yeah, but I don't
believe everything I read."
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@The judge asked, "What do you plead?"  I said, "Insanity, your
honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask
me if I'm leaving.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...  when I came
back the entire area was missing.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@


@0F@I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
means it's going to be up all night.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you
sleep good?"  I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's
satellite dish.  My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the
world.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@My girlfriend does her nails with white-out.  When she's asleep,
I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the
wires backwards.  I erased all of the records.  When I returned
them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali.  He was using a
dotted line.  He caught every other fish.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I bought a dog the other day...  I named him Stay.  It's fun to
call him...  "Come here, Stay!  Come here, Stay!"  He went
insane.  Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures
of cats on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in
circles.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...  on
the ledge.  Some people are afraid of heights.  Not me, I'm
afraid of widths.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I spilled spot remover on my dog.  He's gone now.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
precipitate.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a
closet for five minutes without moving.  He said it was elevator
practice.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@I didn't get a toy train like the other kids.  I got a toy
subway instead.  You couldn't see anything, but every now and
then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you
have any toy train schedules?"
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@0F@

@0F@When I was a little kid we had a sand box.  It was a quicksand
box.  I was an only child...  eventually.
                            @0C@-@0A@Steven Wright@07@