"WHAT'S IN A NAME? THAT WHICH WE CALL A ROSE. BY ANY OTHER NAME WOULD SMELL AS SWEET." - SHAKESPEARE: ROMEO AND JULIET.
"YOUTH IS A WONDERFUL THING. WHAT A SHAME TO WASTE IT ON CHILDREN." - GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
WHAT IS ALWAYS AT THE HEAD OF FASHION, YET ALWAYS OUT OF DATE? --- THE LETTER F.
ALL THE CHRISTMASES ROLL DOWN TOWARD THE TWO-TONGUED SEA, LIKE A COLD AND HEADLONG MOON BUNDLING DOWN THE SKY THAT WAS OUR STREET; - DYLAN THOMAS (1 OF 2)
AND THEY STOP AT THE RIM OF THE ICE-EDGED, FISH-FREEZING WAVES, AND I PLUNGE MY HANDS IN THE SNOW AND BRING OUT WHAT I CAN FIND. - DYLAN THOMAS (2 OF 2)
"IT ALL HINGES ON YOUR DEFINITION OF 'A GOOD TIME'!" - L. BORGIA
"STYLE IS THE DRESS OF THOUGHTS, AND WELL-DRESSED THOUGHT, LIKE A WELL DRESSED MAN, APPEARS TO GREAT ADVANTAGE." - LORD CHESTERFIELD: LETTERS (1751)
"YOU CAN JUDGE THE SUCCESS OF A MAN BY HIS BODYGUARDS!" - PRINCE
I PUT MY HAT UPON MY HEAD AND WALKED INTO THE STRAND, AND THERE I MET ANOTHER MAN WHOSE HAT WAS IN HIS HAND. - SAMUEL JOHNSON
"HE THAT DRINKS WITH CUTTERS MUST NOT BE WITHOUT HIS ALE-DAGGER." - LYLY: PAPPE WITH A HATCHET (1589).
WHY DID THE CLASS CLOWN EAT THE FIVE DOLLAR BILL HE BROUGHT TO SCHOOL? IT WAS HIS LUNCH MONEY.
"I WILL EVEN TAKE SIXPENCE IN EARNEST OF THE BEARWARD, AND LEAD HIS APES INTO HELL." - SHAKESPEARE: MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING.
"ARTHUR IS BUT A BOY, AND A WILD AND ENTHUSIASTIC YOUNG FELLOW, WHOSE OPINIONS ONE MUST NOT TAKE 'AU PIED DE LA LETTRE'." - THACKERAY: PENDENNIS.
"THEN UP HE ROSE, AND DONN'D HIS CLOTHES, AND DUPP'D THE CHAMBER-DOOR." - SHAKESPEARE
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A COMPUTER AND A RUBBER BAND? --- I DON'T KNOW BUT IT SURE MAKES SNAP DECISIONS.
"THERE IS NO BRANCH OF MATHEMATICS, HOWEVER ABSTRACT, WHICH MAY NOT BE SOMEDAY APPLIED TO THE PHENOMENA OF THE REAL WORLD." - LOBACHEVSKY
HERE IS A RIDDLE --- WHAT ASKS NO QUESTIONS, BUT RECEIVES LOTS OF ANSWERS? - A TELEPHONE.
"HIS WOE WAS FOLLY AND HIS WEAPON WIT." - EPITAPH ON W. S. GILBERT BY "ANTHONY HOPE" HAWKINS.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A FISH AND A PIANO? --- YOU CAN'T TUNA FISH.
"OUR MUTUAL BOND OF FAITH AND TRUTH, NO TIME SHALL DISENGAGE, THOSE BLESSINGS OF OUR EARLY YOUTH, SHALL CHEER OUR LATEST AGE." - FROM "THE DOVES"
"LIFE IS A JEST, AND ALL THINGS SHOW IT. I THOUGHT SO ONCE AND NOW I KNOW IT." - JOHN GAY'S EPITAPH ON HIMSELF.
HOW DO YOU KEEP A RHINOCEROS FROM CHARGING? --- TAKE AWAY IT'S CREDIT CARDS.
"I'D GO LIKE THIS, BANG! I'D THROW HIM OVER THE RAILINGS AND ROLL HIM DOWN THE HILL AND THEN I'D TICKLE HIM UNDER THE EAR AND HE'D WAG HIS TAIL." - DYLAN THOMAS
"ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?" - BRAD TRUPP AFTER PROGRAMMING FOR EIGHT STRAIGHT HOURS.
"BUT ERE HE DIP'T THE SURFACE, ROSE AN ARM. CLOTHED IN WHITE SAMITE, MYSTIC, WONDERFUL, AND CAUGHT HIM BY THE HILT" - TENNYSON: MORTE D'ATHUR.
JUST ABOUT THE TIME YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE BOTH ENDS MEET, SOMEONE MOVES THE ENDS.
"THAT GALLANT SPIRIT HASTH ASPIR'D THE CLOUDS, WHICH TOO UNTIMELY HERE DID SCORN THE EARTH." - SHAKESPEARE: ROMEO AND JULIET.
WHAT IS A DOGMA? --- A MOTHER DOG LAYING DOWN THE LAW TO HER PUPS.
"THERE ARE THREE KINDS OF LIES: LIES, DAMNED LIES AND STATISTICS." - BENJAMIN DISRAELI
THE EIGHT DUKE OF DEVONSHIRE ONCE TOLD SOME FRIENDS: "THE OTHER NIGHT I DREAMED I WAS ADDRESSING THE HOUSE OF LORDS. THEN I WOKE UP AND, BY GOD, I WAS!"
I BOUGHT A CALORIE GUIDE WITH AN EYE ON MY PLUMPISH CONDITION; THOUGH I HAVEN'T LOST AN OUNCE I SURE HAVE IMPROVED MY ADDITION - POEM BY ROSEMARIE WILLIAMSON
"CALL UNTO ME, AND I WILL ANSWER THEE, AND SHEW THEE GREAT AND MIGHTY THINGS, WHICH THOU KNOWEST NOT." - JEREMIAH 33:3
IF THE FORMER RULER OF RUSSIA WAS CALLED THE CZAR, AND HIS WIFE WAS THE CZARINA, THEN WHAT WERE THE CHILDREN CALLED? - "CZARDINES"
OUR FIRST TRAGEDIAN WAS ALWAYS BOASTING OF HIS BEING "AN OLD ACTOR", AND WAS FULL OF THE BLOOD OF THE GROGRAMS. - C. THOMSON: AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
"DO YOU WANT A BLUE RIBBON AROUND THOSE WHITE SIDES OF YOURS, YOU MONKEY?" ANSWERED ORESTES: "BECAUSE, IF YOU DO, THE HIPPOPOTAMUS HIDE HANG READY OUTSIDE." - KINGSLEY: HYPATIA.
IN BASEBALL DOES IT TAKE LONGER TO RUN FROM FIRST BASE TO SECOND OR FROM SECOND TO THIRD? - FROM SECOND TO THIRD SINCE THERE'S A SHORT STOP IN THE MIDDLE.
WHAT KIND OF SCHOOL DO YOU HAVE TO DROP OUT OF TO GRADUATE? - A SKYDIVING SCHOOL.
"JACK STRAW AT LONDON-STONE WITH ALL HIS ROUT STRUCK NOT THE CITY WITH SO LOUD A SHOUT." - DRYDEN: THE COCK AND THE FOX.
QUESTION --- WHY DID THE BUTCHER PUT A LOT OF BREAD IN HIS SAUSAGES? ANSWER --- BECAUSE HE COULDN'T MAKE BOTH ENDS MEAT.
BUSINESS IS... "LOOKING UP," SAID THE ASTRONOMER... "LOOKING BETTER", SAID THE OPTICIAN ... "GROWING," SAID THE BIOLOGIST.
TO DO EACH DAY TWO THINGS ONE DISLIKES IS A PRECEPT I HAVE FOLLOWED SCRUPULOUSLY: EVERY DAY I HAVE GOT UP AND I HAVE GONE TO BED. - SUMMERSET MAUGHAM
WHY SHOULD YOU NEVER TELL A SECRET IN A GARDEN? - BECAUSE THE POTATOES HAVE EYES, THE CORN HAS EARS, AND THE BEANSTALK.
"THE EIGHTH HENRY AS I UNDERSTAND, WAS THE FIRST PRINCE THAT EVER WORE A BAND." - JOHN TAYLOR. (1580 - 1653) (BANDS, BY THE WAY, WERE THE WIDE FALLING COLLARS ON SHIRTS.)
WHAT IS PUT ON A TABLE, CUT, BUT NEVER EATEN? --- A DECK OF CARDS.
THE SQUARE ON THE HYPOTENUSE OF A RIGHT-ANGLED TRIANGLE IS EQUAL TO THE SUM OF THE SQUARES ON THE OTHER TWO SIDES.
WHAT DID THE PIECE OF WOOD SAY TO THE ELECTRIC DRILL? --- YOU BORE ME.
"SO CHEEK BY CHEEK AND JAW BY JAW, WE BOTH SUCKED CIDER THROUGH A STRAW." - UNKNOWN AUTHOR
"THE MARCH HARE WILL BE MUCH MORE INTERESTING, AND PERHAPS, AS THIS IS MAY, IT WON'T BE RAVING MAD. AT LEAST NOT SO MAD AS IT WAS IN MARCH." - LEWIS CARROLL
WHAT KIND OF COAT IS MADE WITHOUT BUTTONS AND PUT ON WET? --- A COAT OF PAINT.
THOUGH THE SNOW IS FINALLY MELTING AND WITH SPRING FEVER NOW I'M SMITTEN, THOSE AREN'T CROCUSES EMERGING BUT A MISSING PULL-TOY AND A MITTEN. - ROSEMARIE WILLIAMSON
"THEREFORE IF ANY MAN BE IN CHRIST, HE IS A NEW CREATURE: OLD THINGS ARE PASSED AWAY; BEHOLD, ALL THINGS ARE BECOME NEW." - II CORINTHIANS 5:17
"YOUR FAIRY WHICH YOU SAY, IS A HARMLESS FAIRY, HAS DONE LITTLE BETTER THAN PLAYED THE JACK WITH US." - SHAKESPEARE: THE TEMPEST.
IF A DOG LOSES IT'S TAIL, WHERE CAN IT GET ANOTHER ONE? --- FROM A RETAIL SHOP.
"WE SOMETIMES HAVE THOSE LITTLE RUBS WHICH PROVIDENCE SENDS TO ENHANCE THE VALUE OF ITS FLAVOURS." - GOLDSMITH: THE VICAR OF WAKEFIELD.
WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT GREAT FEELING YOU GET WHEN YOU FINISH YOUR ARITHMETIC HOMEWORK? --- THE AFTERMATH.
"YE TOWERS OF JULIUS, LONDON'S LASTING SHAME, WITH MANY A FOUL AND MIDNIGHT MURTHER FED." - GRAY: THE BARD.
WHAT HAPPENED WHEN THE INVESTMENT BANKERS FELL INTO THE PHOTOCOPYING MACHINE? --- THEY WERE BESIDE THEMSELVES.
"THOUGH WE ARE JUSTICES AND DOCTORS, AND CHURCHMEN, MASTER PAGE, WE HAVE SOME SALT OF OUR YOUTH IN US." - SHAKESPEARE: THE MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR
"A HUSBAND IS THE KIND OF MAN WHO DRIVES ME TO RAGE: HE CAN'T REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY BUT ALWAYS KNOWS MY AGE." - MRS. VASHTI BALKER
"LET NO MAN DESPISE THY YOUTH; BUT BE THOU AN EXAMPLE OF THE BELIEVERS, IN WORD, IN CONVERSATION, IN CHARITY, IN SPIRIT, IN FAITH, IN PURITY." -- I TIMOTHY 4:12
"I BRING FRESH SHOWERS FOR THE THIRSTING FLOWERS, FROM THE SEA AND THE STREAMS; I BEAR LIGHT SHADE FOR THE LEAVES WHEN LAID, IN THEIR NOON-DAY DREAMS." - FROM "THE CLOUD"
"...WOMAN TO THE WAIST, AND FAIR BUT ENDING FOUL IN MANY A SCALY FOLD. VOLUMINOUS AND VAST, A SERPENT ARMED WITH MORTAL STING." - MILTON: PARADISE LOST
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE KID WHO GOT UP ON A LADDER TO SING? HE WANTED TO REACH THE HIGH NOTES BETTER.
"THE MAN THAT ONCE DID SELL THE LION'S SKIN. WHILE THE BEAST LIVED, WAS KILLED WITH HUNTING HIM." - SHAKESPEARE: HENRY V.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE HUMAN BODY IS COMPLETELY SUBMERGED IN WATER? --- THE TELEPHONE RINGS.
HERE'S ANOTHER BAD JOKE --- WHAT IS SMALL, PURPLE AND DANGEROUS? --- A GRAPE WITH A MACHINE GUN.
"SHE ROBBED DWARF-ELDERS OF THEIR FRAGRANT FRUIT AND FED HIM EARLY WITH THE DAISY ROOT. WHENCE THOUGH HIS VEINS THE POWERFUL JUICES RAN..." - TICKELL.
WHAT IS THE DIRTIEST THING IN THE HOUSE? --- A CLOCK, BECAUSE IT HAS HANDS BUT NEVER WASHES ITS FACE.
"AS BEES, IN SPRING-TIME, WHEN THE SUN WITH TAURUS RIDES, POUR FORTH THEIR POPULOUS YOUTH ABOUT THE HIVE, IN CLUSTERS." - MILTON: PARADISE LOST
HOW CAN YOU TAKE TWO LETTERS AWAY FROM A FOUR-LETTER WORD AND HAVE FOUR LEFT? --- TAKE F AND E FROM FIVE, LEAVING IV.
THEY LOVINGLY PREPARED FRENCH TOAST, AND SQUEEZED THE JUICE TO DRINK - WHICH SHOULD GIVE ME STRENGTH ENOUGH TO WASH THOSE DISHS IN THE SINK! - A MELODY FOR MOTHERS DAY
HOW CAN YOU TAKE SIX AWAY FROM A KING OF ISRAEL, AND LEAVE HIS FATHER? --- TAKE VI FROM DAVID, AND LEAVE DAD.
"WE SHALL NOT ALL SLEEP, BUT WE SHALL ALL BE CHANGED, IN A MOMENT, IN THE TWINKLING OF AN EYE, AT THE LAST TRUMP." - I CORINTHIANS XV
"LAUGH WHEN I AM MERRY, AND CLAW NO MAN IN HIS HUMOUR." - SHAKESPEARE. MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING.
"BEHIND SIX FOAMING HORSES, AND LIT BY FLASHING LAMPS. OLD COBB AND COMPANY, IN ROYAL STATE, WENT DASHING BY THE CAMPS." - HENRY LAWSON: THE ROARING DAYS.
"HOW SHOULD I YOUR TRUE LOVE KNOW, FROM ONE ANOTHER? BY HIS COCKLE HAT AND STAFF, AND BY HIS SANDAL SHOON." - SHAKESPEARE: HAMLET.
"CARE TO OUR COFFIN ADDS A NAIL, NO DOUBT; BUT EVERY GRIN SO MERRY DRAWS ONE OUT." - PETER PINDAR: EXPOSTULATORY ODES.
"IF I DO NOT GULL HIM INTO A NAYWORD, AND MAKE HIM A COMMON RECREATION, DO NOT THINK I HAVE WIT ENOUGH TO LIE STRAIGHT IN MY BED." - SHAKESPEARE: TWELFTH NIGHT.
"THE REAL PROBLEM WITH YOUR LEISURE IS HOW TO KEEP OTHER PEOPLE FROM USING IT." - BENJAMIN DISRAELI
WHY WAS THE FAMOUS MUSICIAN HIT BY LIGHTING? - HE WAS A GOOD CONDUCTOR.
"SHE CLUNG ABOUT HIS NECK, GAVE HIM TEN KISSES, TOYED WITH HIS LOCKS, LOOKED BABIES IN HIS EYES." - HEYWOOD: LOVE'S MAISTRESS (1633).
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CAT AND A COMMA? - ONE HAS ITS CLAWS AT THE END OF ITS PAWS, AND THE OTHER A PAUSE AT THE END OF ITS CLAUSE.
"JUST LOOK UP THE TRAINS IN BRADSHAW", SAID HE, AND TURNED BACK TO HIS CHEMICAL STUDIES. - A. CONAN DOYLE: ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES (THE ADVENTURE OF THE COPPER BEECHES)
WHAT SHOULD YOU DO IF YOU SPLIT YOURS SIDES LAUGHING? - RUN AROUND UNTIL YOU GET A STITCH IN THEM.
"THE ART OF PROGRESS IS TO PRESERVE ORDER AMID CHANGE AND TO PRESERVE CHANGE AMID ORDER." - ALFRED NORTH WHITEHEAD
"WHOSE SMILE AND FROWN, LIKE TO ACHILLE'S SPEAR, IS ABLE TO CHANGE TO KILL AND CURE. - SHAKESPEARE: HENRY VI, PART II.
"A VERBAL CONTRACT IS NOT WORTH THE PAPER IT'S WRITTEN ON." - LOUIS B. MAYER
"ADVICE IS WHAT WE ASK FOR WHEN WE ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER BUT WISH WE DIDN'T." - ERICA JONG
"BUT HERE I SAY THE TURKS WERE MUCH MISTAKEN, WHO, HATING HOGS, YET WISHED TO SAVE THEIR BACON." - BYRON: DON JUAN.
THE POSTERS THAT WERE PLASTERED EVERYWHERE "BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU" THE CAPTION SAID, WHILE THE DARK EYES LOOKED INTO WINSTON'S OWN. - ORWELL: NINETEEN EIGHTY-FOUR.
"THE SUN HIMSELF, ON THIS AUSPICIOUS DAY, SHINES, LIKE A BEAU IN THE NEW BIRTH-DAY SUIT." - FIELDING: TOM THUMB THE GREAT.
"NEVER GO TO A DOCTOR WHOSE OFFICE PLANTS HAVE DIED." - ERMA BOMBECK
"WHY DO THEY CALL IT RUSH HOUR WHEN NOTHING MOVES?" - ROBIN WILLIAMS
"THE TROUBLE WITH UNEMPLOYMENT IS THAT THE MINUTE YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING YOU'RE ON THE JOB." - SLAPPY WHITE
"THE BITTER COLD STOLE INTO THE COTTAGES, MARKING THE OLD AND FEEBLE WITH THE TOUCH OF AZRAEL." - MRS. HUMPHRY WARD: MARCELLA.
"YEAR AFTER YEAR THEY VOTED CENT PER CENT, BLOOD SWEAT, AND TEAR-WRUNG MILLIONS -- WHY? FOR RENT!" -BYRON: THE AGE OF BRONZE.
"FOR I WILL BOARD HER THOUGH SHE CHIDE AS LOUD AS THUNDER, WHEN THE CLOUDS IN AUTUMN CRACK." - SHAKESPEARE: THE TAMING OF THE SHREW.
"THE CURIOUS FEW, WHO CARE TO SIFT A BUSINESS TO THE BRAN, NOR COARSELY BOLT IT LIKE THE SIMPLER SORT." - BROWNING: THE RING AND THE BOOK.
"THE JABBERWOCK, WITH EYES OF FLAME, CAME WHIFFLING THROUGH THE TULGY WOOD, AND BURBLED AS IT CAME." - LEWIS CARROLL: THROUGH THE LOOKING CLASS.
