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The Unregistered Comedy Collection Vol. 1
***JOKE***
It's not the minutes spent at the table that makes one
fat...it's the seconds.
***JOKE***
Definition of a pickle: A cucumber soured by a jarring
experience.
***JOKE***
Mama corn to baby corn...the stalk brought you.
***JOKE***
Dieters are people who are thick and tired of it.
***JOKE***
A dieting woman commented, "I'm finally down to what I never
wanted to get up to."
***JOKE***
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
***JOKE***
I used to have an hour glass figure, but the sand shifted.
***JOKE***
HOW I USED MY NEW BOX OF SHELLS
Shot # 1 Missed target completely at 100 yards. Rifle needed sighted in.
Shot # 2 Hit target in lower right-hand corner--from 10 yards.
Shot # 3 Bull's-eye--after getting rifle back from gunsmith who sighted
it in.
Shot # 4 Accidentally pulled trigger while loading rifle in vehicle, will
repair transmission when I get home.
Shot # 5 Fired into air to signal start of drive. Fined $200 by game
warden for killing a turkey.
Shot # 6 The excitement of seeing my first deer caused me to fire before
rifle was to my shoulder--I only had to replace left boot.
Shot # 7 Missed deer completely, not so sure about cow across the field.
Shot # 8 To clean mud from barrel after falling over cliff while being
chased by farmer. Now I'm sure about cow.
Shot # 9 Slipped and fell while crossing stream. Buddy says I'll have
to replace his hunting cap and also pay for having his
underwear washed.
Shot # 10 Forgot can opener. Opened a can of pork and beans. The few
beans that were left tasted too much like gunpowder to eat them.
Shot # 11 Shot too low at deer, glanced off rock and wounded a chipmunk.
Shot # 12 Finished off wounded chipmunk.
Shot # 13 Checked scope again, hit big bucket hanging on pole. Hope
people get electricity back soon.
Shot # 14 At deer moving through brush, I'd never heard some of the
words that it used.
Shot # 15 To check scope again after being hit on the head with my own
rifle.
Shot # 16 Knocked buck down but didn't go to claim it when game warden
tried to arrest a nearby hunter for killing a doe.
Shot # 17 Gun accidentally fired while dragging it under fence. Have to
replace right boot now.
Shot # 18 Won a $1.00 bet from buddy who said I couldn't hit a junked car
on other hill. Hot radiators sure do make a lot of steam.
Shot # 19 Killed running buck with 3-inch spike at 625 yards. It takes
skill to be a good hunter.
Shot # 20 Save till I get home and use it on a mouse in my pantry.
***JOKE***
Judge: Have you anything to offer this court before I pass sentence?
Defendant: Nope. My lawyer took every last penny.
***JOKE***
Judge: Where were you between five and six?
Defendant: In kindergarten!
***JOKE***
Judges don't always seem to make sense. A man found himself in front
of a judge on two matters. In the first, the man's wife was trying to get
a divorce because he was impotent. In the second, his secretary wanted
child support. The man lost both cases!
***JOKE***
She was on trial for having shot her husband. She'd been found
with the smoking gun in her hand. But the jury let her go because she
was a widow!
***JOKE***
The clerk at the motor vehicle bureau asked the lady applicant,
"Have you ever driven before?"
The lady said, "Fifty thousand miles, but not from the front seat!"
***JOKE***
One lady driver said it all. "The thing I hate most about
parking is that noisy crash!"
***JOKE***
Two very rich people got divorced, and their lawyers lived
happily ever after.
***JOKE***
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
***JOKE***
Clothes don't necessarily make the man, but a good suit makes a
lawyer.
***JOKE***
A valiant young sportsman named Fisher
Once fished from the edge of a fissure.
A fish with a grin
Pulled the fisherman in;
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher!
***JOKE***
An Instructor's guide to Murphy's Law.
1. Good students move away.
2. New students come from schools that do not teach anything.
3. The teachers' lounge will be in the worst room of the school. It
will contain dusty furniture and one noisy mimeograph machine.
4. The shorter the working time, the more the mimeograph will
malfunction.
5. The clock in the instructor's room will be wrong.
6. The school board will make a better pay offer before the teacher's
union negotiates.
7. When the instructor is late, he will meet the principal in the hall.
If the instructor is late and does not meet the principal, the
instructor is late to the faculty meeting.
8. Children who touch the instructor will have scabies or bubonic
plague.
9. When speaking to the school psychologist, the teacher will say
"weirdo" rather than "emotionally disturbed".
10. Disaster will occur when visitors are in the room.
11. The time a teacher takes in explaining is inversely proportional to
the information retained by students.
12. Students who are blind, deaf and/or behavioral problems will sit in
the back of the room.
13. Extra-duty nights will occur when the best shows are on TV.
14. The problem child will be a school board member's son.
15. The instructor's study hall be the largest in several years.
16. The administration will view the study hall as the teacher's
preparation time.
17. Students who are doing better are credited with working harder. If
children start to do poorly, the teacher will be blamed.
18. Extracurricular duties will take more preparation time than classes.
19. A meeting's length will be directly proportional to the boredom the
speaker produces.
20. Clocks will run more quickly during free time.
21. On a test day, at least 15% of the class will be absent.
22. If the instructor teaches art, the principal will be an ex-coach and
will dislike art. If the instructor is a coach, the principal will
be an ex-coach who took a winning team to the state.
23. A subject interesting to the teacher will bore students.
24. Murphy's Law will go into effect at the beginning of an evaluation.
***JOKE***
An old Irish man is lying in bed, very ill. His son is
sitting at his bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment.
The old man looks up at the boy and says, "Son, it's time for
you to get me a Protestant minister."
The son is astounded. "But, Dad!" he protests, "You've
been a good Catholic all your life! You're delirious. It's a
priest ye be wanting now, not a minister."
The old man looks up at him and says, "Son, please. It's
me last request. Get a minister for me!"
"But, Dad," cries the son, "Ye raised me a good Catholic.
You've been a good Catholic all your life. Ye don't want a
minister at a time like this!"
The old man manages to croak out the words, "Son, if you
respect me and love me as a father, you'll go out and get me a
Protestant minister right now."
The son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They
come back to the house, and the minister goes upstairs and
converts him. As the minister is leaving the house, he passes
Father O'Malley coming quickly through the door.
The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the priest.
"I'm afraid you're too late, Father," he says. "He's a
Protestant now."
Father O'Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the
old man's room. "Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?" he cries. "You
were such a good Catholic! We went to St. Mary's together! You
were there when I performed my first mass! Why in the world
would ye do such a thing like this?"
"Well," the old man says as he looks up at his dear
friend. "I figured if somebody had to go, it was better one of
*them* than one of *us*."
***JOKE***
A young woman was sitting on the bus cooing her baby when a drunk
staggered aboard and down the aisle. Stopping in front of her, he
looked down and pronounced, "Lady, that is the ugliest baby I have
ever seen."
The woman burst into tears and there was such an outcry of sympathy
among the other passengers that they kicked the drunk off. But the
woman kept on sobbing and wailing so loudly that finally the driver
pulled the bus over to the side of the road.
"Look, I don't know what the bum said to you, "the driver told his
inconsolable passenger, "but to help calm you down I'm going to get
you a cup of tea." And off he went, coming back shortly with a cup of
tea from the corner deli.
"Now calm down, Lady," soothed the driver, "everything is going to
be OK. See, I brought you a cup of nice, hot tea, and I even got a
banana for your pet monkey!"
***JOKE***
While working on a FMEA an EE from IEEE called to ask about FMVSS-124
spec's. So I grabbed my SAE file ASAP and hopped an the MAX to IBM. On
the way I saw some friends from ASME who had been at the CIM show.
They saw FEA running on NT, and UNIX on a PC running CAD. Only
problem is that their CAM only runs in DOS. Anyway it turns out that the
EE was asking for an ME at GM who had a PE but didn't know FMVSS well.
So we swapped stories about CE's and IE's trying to understand SPC.
***JOKE***
Q: What's a good way to get your wife mad while you are having sex?
A: Call her up!
***JOKE***
SPIFFY VOOM FAX 2001 MODEL 501SP INSTRUCTION MANUAL
===================================================
Congratulations! You have just purchased the Spiffy
Voom FAX 2001 MODEL 501SP! It not only allows you to
send and receive faxes, it will take voice messages
on the internal answering machine, make color
photocopies of important documents like this manual,
grill hot dogs, fry eggs, dry your hair, replace
your alarm clock, and attend school or work on your
behalf!
Some of the options (hot dog grilling and egg
frying) require the Spiffy Voom CSPU20027-1
interface available for a modest fee of slightly
less than the national debt.
How to work the SPIFFY VOOM FAX 2001 MODEL 501SP:
Plug it in. If it doesn't work, then you're
obviously doing something wrong. Remove the plug
from the outlet in your left ear and try plugging it
into a wall socket while holding your other hand in
a bowl of water. If several zillion volts of
electricity course through your body, then the
equipment is working satisfactorily.
Turn it on. A red LED display will appear by the
button that says "Answer." If the red LED display
does not appear, we probably sold you a defective
product but there's not much point in trying to
return it since we'll simply ignore you until the
warranty expires or Hell freezes over - whichever
comes first.
Hit the button that says "Fax." This will enable you
to send faxes if the red LED display is on. If the
red LED display is not on, pressing the "Fax" button
will probably cause the machine to explode and kill
you.
Programming numbers into your machine is
accomplished by calling our customer service
department who will explain it much better than a
goon who's writing a manual about a product he
understands nothing about.
WARRANTY:
The SPIFFY VOOM FAX 2001 MODEL 501SP is guaranteed
to work for as long as the box remains sealed. Under
no circumstances should you open the box but if you
do, KEEP THIS PRODUCT AWAY FROM ELECTRICITY AT ALL
TIMES.
***JOKE***
Ever wonder what the resume for God would look like? In this day and
age, everyone's having to look for a job. This is an idea of what
God's resume would look like if he were to apply at a computer firm.
RESUME FOR GOD
God, creator and sustainer of all life, has an eternity of experience
in every aspect of everything, including systems design and
integration and local area networking.
SPECIFIC EXPERIENCE AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS
God was solely responsible for the development of every standard,
protocol, method, language and type of microprocessor in existence.
God has absolute and complete knowledge of every detail of anything
even remotely connected to computers and data processing, as well as
everything else. God practices structured programming, and uses "go
tos" only in reference to Hell. God has extensive supervisory and
leadership experience, and has led teams of over one billion persons
in such major projects as the establishment of civilization and the
development of organized religion.
OTHER EXPERIENCE
God's experience extends from beyond the beginning of time. During
this period God separated the light from the darkness, created the
earth, planets and stars, established the firmament and the waters of
the oceans, and created all the green plants and living things. Later,
God created human life, which many consider to be one of God's most
significant accomplishments.
TECHNICAL BACKGROUND
God is thoroughly familiar with every type of computer, every
operating system, every programming language, every communications
system, and every application that has been or will be developed,
including Microsoft Windows.
EDUCATION
God holds an honorary Doctorate in Comparative Religions from Oral
Roberts University, as well as current teaching certificates for IBM's
Programmer Productivity seminars.
SALARY REQUIREMENTS
Seeking 10 - 15% increase.
***JOKE***
Doctor: "I've got bad and worse news for you"
Patient: "What's the bad news?"
Doctor: "Your tests came back negative and you've 24 hours to live."
Patient: "What's the worse news?"
Doctor: "I was golfing yesterday and forgot to phone you."
***JOKE***
Tourists picked up a 9 year old boy walking along a dirt road, soaked
to the skin and very cold. "How did this happen," they asked.
"Well every night my ole man drives me down to the lake and rows out
to the middle and throws me in. I have to swim to shore and walk all
the way home."
"That's got to be hard on a little fellow like you."
"Nah", he says, "Gettin outta the bag is the hard part."
***JOKE***
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast!
***JOKE***
Karate makes sense. If you practice breaking boards in half,
you'll be able to protect yourself the next time a board attacks
you!
***JOKE***
I have a black belt in karate. It's not that I'm good, it's
just that I never wash it!
***JOKE***
Did you hear of the poor black-belt karate champ who broke his
hand trying to cut a Christmas fruitcake in half?
***JOKE***
Famous last words in Las Vegas....Give me the money I told you
not to give me!
***JOKE***
I went to Las Vegas last week for laughs. In one day I laughed
away my car!
***JOKE***
In Las Vegas they give you odds you'll never get even!
***JOKE***
There was a statistician who was desperately afraid to fly because of
the possibility of a bomb on the airplane. He did a great deal of
research and found that there had never been *two* bombs on an airplane.
So, he just took a bomb with him when flying.
***JOKE***
Q: Who's Americas most famous mountaineer?
A: Tom Arnold.
***JOKE***
Unhappy at the state of Junior's room, his mother came up with a
new rule. Each time she had to pick something up off the floor of his
room, Junior would have to pay her a dime. At the end of the week, she
added up the chores and demanded ninety cents. Junior paid her and
said, "Thanks, Ma. Keep up the good work!"
***JOKE***
New York is often acclaimed as the most exciting city in America
in which to drive. Who would argue? Herewith, for newcomers and
visitors, are a few basic rules of the road for driving in these
parts:
- To obtain a general idea of how to drive in New York, go to a
Knicks game and carefully watch the fast break. Then get behind
the wheel of your car and practice it.
- Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and
left before proceeding.
- When in doubt, accelerate.
- In the long run, parking your car in a lot is always cheaper
than parking it at a meter.
- Drivers whose cars sport "I Brake For Animals" bumper stickers
may brake for animals, but they may not brake for you. Watch it.
- Never drive behind a person whose head doesn't reach the top
of the steering wheel.
- Teenage drivers believe they are immortal. Don't yield to the
temptation to teach them otherwise.
- Taxicabs should always have the right of way, unless you are
bent on suicide.
- Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself
under the wheels of your car.
- The first parking space you see will be the last parking space
you see. Grab it.
- Learn to swerve abruptly. New York is the home of slalom
driving, thanks to the Registry of Motor Vehicles, which puts
potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them
on their toes.
- Steer clear of people with antinuclear bumper stickers pasted
on their cars. They are interested in preserving mankind, which is
admirable. They are not necessarily interested in preserving you,
or themselves, for that matter. They have more important things to
think about.
- Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
- Double-park in the North End of New York, unless triple-
parking is available.
- Always look both ways when running a red light.
- While it is possible to fit a 15-foot car into a 15-foot
parking space, it is seldom possible to fit a 16-foot car into a
15-foot parking space. Sad but true.
- There is no such thing as a short cut during rush-hour traffic
in New York.
- It is traditional in New York to honk your horn at cars that
don't move the instant the light changes.
- Never put your faith in signs that purport to provide
directions. They are put there to confuse people who don't know
their way around the city.
- Use extreme caution when pulling into breakdown lanes.
Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding,
especially during rush hour.
- Never use directional signals, since they only confound and
distract other New York drivers, who are not used to them.
- Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals. New York
drivers, unused to such courtesies, will think you are making obscene
gestures to them. This could be very bad for you in New York.
- The yellow light is not, as commonly supposed outside the New
York area, a signal to slow down. It is a warning to speed up and
get through the intersection before the light turns red.
- Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
- In making a left turn from the right lane, employ the element
of surprise. That is, do it as suddenly as possible, so as to stun
other drivers.
- Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you
feel guilty.
- Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to insure
inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible.
- Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first
by whatever means necessary.
- Above all, keep moving. Good luck -- you'll need it!.
***JOKE***
Competition for the market is keen among the New York
newspapers. Not long ago, a famous actress was hospitalized. Looking
for a scoop, the POST sent a lady reporter out to get the story. She
was to dress up as a nurse, sneak into the hospital, and interview the
actress.
The next day the reporter returned to the office. Her editor
asked, "Did you get the story?"
The lady reporter said, "No. I got thrown out by the doctor
from the DAILY NEWS!"
***JOKE***
The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor. To
check on the young man's response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked,
"What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a
battleship coming down the street?"
The baby sailor said, "I'd grab a torpedo and sink it."
"Where would you get the torpedo?"
"The same place you got your battleship!"
***JOKE***
A country preacher sold a mule to a friend, and told him the mule
was trained to go when the rider said "Praise the Lord," and to stop
when the rider said, "Amen."
The buyer mounted the beast and commanded, "Praise the Lord," and
the mule shot off like a rocket. The startled rider panicked. "Whoa!"
he screamed. The mule was headed straight for a cliff.
"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" At the last second he remembered the minister's
instructions. "Amen!" he shouted and the mule screeched to a halt
right at the edge of the cliff. As the new owner peered over the
precipice, he wiped his brow and sighed, "Praise the Lord!"
***JOKE***
How To Identify Professors:
Chemistry Professor: Wears a white lab coat. This may
actually be clean but does not have to be. Practical Chemistry
professor have a brand new coat that has never been in the lab.
Polymer Chemistry professors have strange glop on their coat,
and Introductory Chemistry professors have acid holes.
Physics Professor: Wears blue jeans and a flannel shirt.
May sometimes forget to wear shirt altogether. If a professor is
wearing blue jeans and suspenders, ten to one he is a physicist.
Physics professors often have German accents, but this is not a
distinguishing characteristic. Be wary of psychologists with
fake Viennese accents which can sound similar to the unwary.
Biology Professor: Sometimes wears a lab coat, though
usually this is the sign of a biochemist. Marine biologists walk
around in hip boots for no explainable reason, even in the
middle of winter. They are apt to wear gray slacks and smell
like fish, as opposed to most biologists, who smell strongly of
formaldehyde. Microbiology instructors go around in spotless white
coats, refuse to drink beer on tap, and wipe all their
silverware before using it. Never loan money to a Biology
Professor, no matter how much he asks.
Psychology Professor: Psychologists are not real
scientists, and can be easily identified by their screams of
protest whenever anyone questions whether Psychology is a
science. Psychology people have beady little eyes and don't
laugh at jokes about psychology. If you are not sure whether a
person is a scientist or a comparative religion instructor, he
is probably a psychologist.
Computer Science Professor: Most Computer Science
Professors are from India or Pakistan. You can tell by the
gestures and accents. This is not a bad thing, though many of
the American Computer Science professors tend to pick up Indian
accents which confounds more specific identification. Like
mushrooms, Computer Science students only come out at night,
and, if not Indian, tend to take on a pasty appearance. Computer
Science Professors do not use computers and therefore can be
easily identified by their comparative good health with respect
to their students. Many Computer Science Professors do not even
know how to use computers, and are actually mathematicians or
psychologists in disguise. Avoid these people.
Math Professor: Math Professors are like Physics Professors
except without any practical bent. A Math Professor will have
only books and pencils in his office, as opposed to the piles of
broken equipment that Physicists keep. Mathematicians scorn the
use of computers and calculators and often have difficulty
splitting bills in restaurants. The easy way to identify a
Mathematician is by the common use of the phrases "It can be
shown that..." and "Is left as an exercise to the student..."
***JOKE***
Once again the female staff will be offering to men of any marital
status the following seminars:
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. P.M.S.-Learning When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How to Fill an Icetray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas-Give us Money
6. Understanding the Female Response to you Coming in Drunk at 4 a.m.
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formally called "Don't Wash My Silks")
8. Parenting- No, It doesn't End with Conception
9. Get a Life-Learn How to Cook
10. How Not to Act Like a Jerk When You're Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling-Even YOU Can Get it Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You-The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to Give Flowers
15. How to Stay Awake after Sex
16. Why It Is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom.
17. Garbage-Getting it to the Curb
18. Sex 101-You Can Fall Asleep without it if You Really Try
Sex 201-The Morning Dilemma-If It's "Awake", Take a Shower
19. The Weekend and Sports are Not Synonymous
20. How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
21. How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost
22. The Remote Control-Overcoming Your Dependency
23. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
24. How Not to Act Younger than Your Children
25. You too can be a Designated Driver
26. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked!!
27. Changing Your Underwear-It Really Works
28. The Attainable Goal-Omitting #s!*! from your Vocabulary
29. Fluffing the Blankets after Farting is not Necessary
30. Real Men Ask Directions
***JOKE***
THE SAGA OF MANAGEMENT REVIEW OF WRITING STYLE
----------------------------------------------
QUESTION: How many feet do mice have?
Original reply: Mice have four feet.
Management comment: Elaborate!
Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
Comment: No discussion of fifth appendage!
Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet
and one is a tail.
Comment: What? Feet with no legs?
Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet and one tail per
unit-mouse.
Comment: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies
and one tail assembly per body.
Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue!
Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail.
Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end
opposite the body; the tail is not equipped
with a foot.
Comment: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful? NO!
Revision 6: Allotment appendages for mice will be:
Four leg-foot assemblies, one tail.
Deviation from this policy is not permitted as
it would constitute misapportionment of scarce
appendage assets.
Comment: Too authoritative; stifles creativity!
Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a
small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse
structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse
sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
ornamental in nature.
Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
FINAL REVISION
APPROVED BY
MANAGEMENT: Mice have four feet.
***JOKE***
A pastor wanted to be "trendy" and "appeal to the youth". So he
decided to preach a sermon which took all of its illustrations from
surf boarding. He spent a week preparing the message, and was pretty
pleased with the results. However, his wife was considerably less
enthusiastic. On Sunday morning she refused to accompany him to
church and said, "Merle, if you're gonna preach about surf boarding,
I'm not gonna sit in the congregation and be embarrassed."
The pastor walked to church and decided that perhaps his wife was
right. So he preached a sermon on Christian views of sex - what was
and was not appropriate behavior for Christians. Not wanting to admit
to his wife that she was right (No husband ever admits his wife was
right if he can help it.), the pastor said nothing of his changed
sermon.
A couple days later the wife was grocery shopping and met a member
of the congregation. The member commented, "That was a magnificent
sermon that Merle preached last week. I bet he must really be good at
it! <lewd wink>" And the pastor's wife replied, "Not really. He's one
of the worst I've ever seen, but he seems to enjoy it.
***JOKE***
YOU KNOW YOU HAVE BEEN WORKING WITH YOUNG CHILDREN TOO LONG WHEN:
While riding on the city bus, you announce as you get off "the left side
was better behaved than the right side"
The new vice-principal says, "Hi, you taught me in grade 3"
When the bank cashier points out that you printed your signature
You tell your bridge partner to sit up straight
You tell your dinner guests to put their hands on their heads when they
are ready for dessert.
Before dinner company comes, you sharpen all the pencils in the house
and cut the serviettes in half.
You print the invitations to your daughter's wedding.
You don't begin speaking at a party until everyone is quiet.
People begin to finish your sentences for you because you can't think of
a small enough word to use that everyone will understand.
You plan your March break around report cards that you need to write.
You ask the people beside you at the movie theater about the movie to
make sure they're watching.
Anytime you hear ex-student names like Jason, Jonathan or Jennifer, your
blood pressure begins to rise.
Someone asks you the name of the person you admire most and you
name a character from Winnie-the-Pooh.
One of your students mistakenly calls you Grandma, instead of Mommy.
While reading the latest novel, you make a list of good questions to
ask.
The ditto ink on your fingers doesn't come off anymore.
***JOKE***
Once this psychical investigator was examining a haunted house, when
suddenly a ghost appeared. The investigator asked if he could take its
picture, and the ghost agreed. Unfortunately, however, when the nega-
tives were developed they were blank. It seems the spirit was willing
but the flash was weak.
***JOKE***
Q. What does a Harley and a German Shepherd have in common?
A. They both like to ride in the back of pick-up trucks.
Q: What is the best way to kill Barney?
A: Tell Fred that he is fooling around with Wilma.
Q: Heard about the computer programmer who got stuck in the shower?
A: He took the directions on the bottle of shampoo too literally: "Lather,
rinse, repeat!"
***JOKE***
For weeks a six-year-old lad kept telling his first-grade
teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn
child. The six-year-old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever
has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
***JOKE***
On his first night in the "Big House" a convict becomes confused
when, after `Lights Out', other prisoners in the cell block
occasionally call-out numbers.
"Forty-four!", followed by a round of laughter from the block.
"One sixty eight!", more laughter and a few guffaws.
"Three hundred thirty seven!!", the laughter continues for some
time.
The convict turns to his cell mate and asks, "Why is everyone
laughing at numbers?"
The cell mate says, "Most of us have been here so long, we've
already heard and memorized all the jokes. So we assigned each
joke a number. Now, to tell a joke, all we have to do is sing-
out it's number."
The convict replies, "Hey, that's great! I'm gonna try!"
The convict yells, "Sixty three!", and is answered by silence.
He tries, "Two hundred fourteen," again, silence. Befuddled,
he cries out, "Three oh eight!!!" The silence looms ominously.
He turns to his cell mate and says, "I don't get it, I called
out the numbers, but nobody laughed!" The man replies, "Hey,
some guys just don't know how to tell a good joke!"
***JOKE***
Ken: There's nothing like getting up at five in the morning and
taking an ice-cold shower and a five-mile jog before
breakfast.
Bob: How long have you been doing this?
Ken: I start tomorrow.
***JOKE***
TOP TEN REASONS SANTA'S ASKING FOR A RAISE
10. The hours, the weather, the trend toward smaller chimneys.
9. Nike won't give him a lucrative side-contract.
8. Reindeer and elves have unionized, driving up his cost.
7. New tax on flying sleighs.
6. Insurance for flying a sleigh has tripled over the past two years.
5. Needs extra cash to cover off-season gambling losses.
4. Air traffic controllers demanding higher kickbacks.
3. Cost of living increase at the North Pole.
2. Children don't leave as many cookies as they used to.
And the number one reason is........
1. The Mrs. told him to.
***JOKE***
Did you hear about Glena Zimmerman? She got involved in the
women's lib movement and changed her name to Glena Zimmerperson.
***JOKE***
A girl involved with the women's lib movement boarded a crowded
bus and one man rose to his feet.
"No, you must not give up your seat. I insist," she said.
"You may insist as much as you like, Lady," was the reply.
"This is my stop."
***JOKE***
A Dieter's Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there
While Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps
had just settled down to sugar-borne naps
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
tore open the icebox then threw up the sash
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
sent thoughts of a binge to my body below
When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
now dash away pounds now dash away all
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
my clothes were all bulging from too much excess
My droll little mouth and my round little belly
they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
if temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
in the morning I'll starve... 'til I take that first bite!
***JOKE***
Three Indian squaws were sitting around the campfire, bragging. The first
squaw says, "My son is a good hunter!" And to prove it, she points to a
bear hide one her teepee and says, "My son tracked the bear, killed it
and then skinned it and gave me the hide!"
The next squaw says, "My son is an excellent hunter!" And to prove it she
points over to her teepee where a buffalo hide is hanging, and she says,
"My son tracked the buffalo, and not just the weakest one in the herd,
but the strongest one, forced it out of the herd, killed it, skinned it
and then gave the hide to me!"
The third squaw, not to be outdone, says "I myself am as good a hunter
as your two sons put together!" To prove it she points to a hippopotamus
hide on her teepee. "I had to first find a hippopotamus, and you know how
rare they are around here, then kill it (which wasn't easy because
their skins are so tough), then skin it (which took four knives, because
their skins are soooo tough)."
The moral of the story: the squaw of the hippopotamus hide is equal to
the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
***JOKE***
The priest and the rabbi were on a plane flying across the ocean when
the plane developed engine trouble. Everyone was doomed. The priest
turned to the rabbi and said, "Before I die there's something that I
would like to know. You being Jewish and all, Have you ever tasted ham?"
Well the rabbi laughed and said, "Sure I've tasted ham, but tell me
father, before we die could you tell me if you have ever made love to a woman?"
The priest blushed and said, "There was this one time I gave in and made
love to a woman."
The rabbi looked at the priest and said, "Sure beats the hell out of
ham. Don't it?".
***JOKE***
Two ninety year old Jewish men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all
their lives. Well, it seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit
him.
"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our
lives. Sam, you got do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've
got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, "Moe, you've been
my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you." And with that, Sam
passes on.
It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a
distant voice calls out to him, "Moe....Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some
good news and some bad news for you."
"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven."
"Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! But what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday!"
***JOKE***
A Chinese man who doesn't speak much English applies for a job with a
construction company.
"Do you know carpentry?" asked the employer.
"No," answered the Chinese man.
"Do you know plumbing?" asked the employer.
"No," replied the Chinese man.
"Do you know bricklaying?"
"No."
"Well, I'm short of staff and really need people, so maybe I can put you
in charge of supplies."
"Okay!" The Chinese man beamed with delight.
A week later, the employer realized he hadn't seen the Chinese man since
he hired him. As he walked around the site, he wondered if perhaps the
guy had quit work. Suddenly, from around the corner jumped the Chinese
man with a squirt gun.
"Supplies!" he yelled.
***JOKE***
An American, a Mexican and an Italian were robbing a bank.
And it happened that they got a lot of cash in Dollars, Pesos and Liras.
Back in their hiding place the American distributed the money to three
even shares.
"1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you"
"1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you"
"1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you"
etc.
The Mexican told the Italian: " Well I can't stand these Yankees,
but I have to admit they are honest."
***JOKE***
During the filming of a shoestring production in a Kansas town,
the director dreamed up a method for getting a realistic street fight at
virtually no expense. "See that couple coming down the avenue?" he
asked the leading man. "Go up and insult his wife. When her husband
winds up to sock you, we'll start the camera rolling."
As instructed, the actor accosted the husband, demanding, "Is
this dame your wife?"
"She certainly is," bristled the man. "Why?"
"Because," sneered the actor, "she's about the homeliest dish
I've ever laid eyes on."
This was the moment when the husband turned to his wife and
exulted, "See? What did I tell you?"
***JOKE***
A very ugly girl was sitting alone at the beach, when the waves
washed a bottle to her feet. She opened it....and out blew a huge genie
in a billow of smoke.
"I've been a prisoner in this bottle for five thousand years,"
cried the genie, "and now you've freed me! As a reward, I will fulfill
any wish you make."
Ecstatic, the ugly girl announced, "I want a figure like Sophia
Loren, a face like Elizabeth Taylor, and legs like Ginger Rogers." The
genie looked her over carefully, then sighed, "Baby, just put me back in
the bottle!"
***JOKE***
Tired of asking the same old questions of the day's arrivals, Saint
Peter decided to ask about their automobiles. When asked what kind of
car he'd driven, one said, "A Toyota." Saint Peter pushed a button and
the applicant fell through a hole into the fiery depths below. A
second drove a Mercedes. He too went down through the hole. A third
said, "I drove a Chevy." Saint Peter opened the gates wide. "Come on
in," he said. " You've been through hell already!"
***JOKE***
Mrs. Abercrombie was unhappy with the way Elena the maid
cleaned. Finding a layer of dust on the dining room table, she started
to chew out the maid. Elena said, "I'm a better cook than you. I clean
house better than you."
"Who told you that?"
"Mr. Abercrombie. I'm better in bed than you too."
Mrs. Abercrombie sneered and said, "I suppose my husband told
you that too."
"No. The gardener!"
***JOKE***
Winters are fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the
estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his
foreman. Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the
earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the landlord asked, "Didn't you like
the muffs?"
The foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty."
Why don't you wear them?"
The foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, but
somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didn't hear him!"
***JOKE***
