and I knew 'm well, and 'e had a...'...some kind of animinimal, I think....7...or possibly it was a
humourously-shaped vegetable...NAnd I showed her....the...the...the...
...possibly a parsnip, or a cucumber... Oook? oook?)Um - I dunno. I can't remember the words. They were really...really..."Now I can't remember that, either-9What's that word for something
that's clever and short...3Um - damn - it's like what
you make helmets out of!Ook?Nah, not tin.LI can't say that a phrase of
mine was tinny! Ironic, maybe...
hahahahahahahaOok ook?7Yes! Pithy! That's the word.
The song was really pithy!Oook??Um - I dunno which song - what're
you going on about songs for?Hey, what was that?Oook?$Over there. In the donkey cart park.Oook!'No, it was something.
Let's go and see.
Oook oook!ONo, it's not dangerous.
It's the start of the game.
They can't kill us off yet.Come on. Trust me.Ooooook.All I'm gonna do is look.6This is a pretty poor job.
I think I can dismantle it.OOOOK!EEEEK! Nearly a *cat*astrophe, huh?BDon't sweat it pal, we've got
nine minutes and seven seconds left.AYou know what we could do.
We could drive this thing out of here.
Oook oook!,Ahh damn, no donkey.
Ooh, you could pull it.OOOOK!You're right, you're right.;Looks like we're gonna have to
do it the old fashioned way.Ooook?DBlah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah... couldn't be simpler.,I'm thinking we should turn the green flask.Oook! What, you think maybe the red?
Oook oook! Let's turn the green flask then.Oook?Oh it's just a hunch.dRemember the time in the High Energy
Facility when I turned the yellow flask
and blew everything up?Ooook!)Right, so I'm turning the red flask then.Ooook oook ooook!What?
Oook oook!Did I say green?Oook.Well I mean't red.
Oook oook?$Look we can do it your way if you...OOOOK!Look I'm sure ok
Oook oook.
You ready?jAren't you gonna miss all this stuff
when they stop making these games?
Aren't you just gonna miss it all? 43á I'm turning the flask.There. You see.Oh oh!Ooook?Grab the cat! Gang way! Take cover!Ooops.Oook.0Well, the animation budget's increased at least!Oook?#Well of course that's a good thing!8It means they haven't spent as
much on plot, doesn't it.IThey've probably halved the number
of insane object puzzles, for a start.CAhem. Sorry. I mean 'clever lateral
thinking exercises', of course.Ook?7Trust me - I've been through
this sort of thing before.5*cough* Colleagues - gentlemen and fellow wizards...! Here's looking at your bottom! Up your eye!5Pull the other one, it's
Thank you!ÇèColleagues - we are gathered here today,
for the 'final departure' party of
our dear soon-to-be-departed comrade,
the Wizard Windle Poons!Hooray!Good old Windle!%Don't forget to ghost-write! *wheeze*Umm? Eh? What?How long's he got now? There's one whole minute yet!BAnd don't think any of you are
moving into my room until I'm gone!3I've seen through you lot,
you young spell bodgers!ét*cough* Yes - in any case, as is the time honoured
tradition amongst those of us in the
thaumaturgical line of work,eold Windle here has been nicely informed
by Death of the exact amount of
his remaining allotted span. There's forty five seconds left!0Get off - I haven't done
my farewell speech yet!-Mmmmm - did he say he's
got a peach as a pet?'What? What's peaches got to do with it? Can't stand the damn things! I always chokes on the stones!They're the pits.(Will everyone shut up right now, please.?Well, I was merely pointing out
that peach stones are in fact--AThere's no time for daft
misunderstandings, the time's nearly up!THREE!TWO!ONE!ZEEEE-ROOOOO!OOK!OOK!OOOK!OOOOOK!What?%Nothing. That's it! . . . I hope...]Right everybody - funeral at two thirty, then
drinks and ham rolls in the main hall at three.3Here - what's happening?
Call this service, do you?I'm dead, I am!<I demand to be taken away to a
better life, as per contract! Things were different in my day!8You died properly, not like
the deaths you get nowadays!+Err he, he umm - he, he says he's not dead! I *am* dead. But I'm still bloody ambulatory!No, you're not.-You're fooling no one but yourself, you know. 43ÿ (Mmmmmm.... Well, ee, uh - he looks dead! Smells dead. Of course, he always did though.=And I suppose my word doesn't
count for anything around here?0I can't be dead if I'm
still talking, now can I?ULook old chap - it's our
considered professional view
that you are an extinct wizard.0Your opinion doesn't count.
Because you're dead.Oh. Good point.0Well I suppose I'll just sit here then, shall I? I suppose it takes a while...%So - umm - how is death um, actually.:See any white lights? you know,
Tunnels?
Girls with harps? Ooh, yes please, I'll take two.No!IMmmmm - if this is heaven I wish I'd
done wicked things when I was alive.What's happening to me?[Errr - it seems that your body's dead, but your
soul's still in - euh - well, in residence.=Well I'm not hanging about here
for the rest of my afterlife!II've had a hard life, Archchancellor!
I'm entitled to a bit of paradise -7I've read about it. Young women and wine and
whatnot...Look - your life's over!dYou're not supposed to moan about
it. And definitely not supposed to
contemplate any... any whatnot!Whose responsible for this?Where's DEATH then?This is outrageous!CYou, you can't have a soul hanging
about a deceased body like that!Why not?It's unhygienic! Ere - there's food laid out.$We can't have him near the nibbles !&The health inspectors will be onto us!MYes, yes, Good point. Now compose yourself, Windle.
You can't decompose here.&I shall have to ask you to move along.JHah! It comes to something when a man can't even
drop stone dead in peace."Eternal rest? Eternal rest, is it?,Well, I'm not going to take this lying down!.I'm off to find myself a nice shallow grave...3There's been too much of this sort of thing lately.
Rincewind?
Rincewind! Ah, Rincewind. There you are!TNow, as you are aware, there have been
some very odd goings on in this city of late.@I am referring, of course, to
the sudden disappearance of DEATH.What? No one's dying?;Oh, they're dying. But their
souls aren't being taken away.NThey're dead and alive at the same time,
and now it's happened to poor Windle.>Death's gone, and we need to summon
him back - so here you go!(We need to perform the rites of AshkEnte Oh goody.[I suppose you have a list of
mysterious ingredients that I
now have to run off and collect.What?How did you know that? I just had a dreadful suspicion.(All right - so what have we got to find?9Well, it's a rush job, so
just the bare minimums will do!FWe need three equal-sized sticks of
wood, and 4 cc's of mouse's blood..It shouldn't take you more than a few minutes. Bets anyone?Um...?What is it now?BLet's just say that, ah ... we needed
more than the bare minimums./Not to say that I'm questioning your judgement./I'm just, ah - planning for the future, is all.*Well the rest is all just flash and style. 43P) This is a death rite, after all!You know the routines -Ta bit of sparkle and glitter in the air,
vile charnel stench erupting from the tomb.And lovely dribbly candles.That sort of thing."None of which we will need at all.That's right!$Just the wood and the mouse's blood.VThere never seems to be any way of getting
a decent moment's rest around this place...:Um... you're sure you really
want me to do this job, then?&I mean, there's no one you'd rather... Rather what?<Lumber with all these hours
and hours of pointless activity.6Hum, well now - let me just consider the alternatives.Mmmmmmmmm....no.!No, you're the bunny, I'm afraid.YYou know, when I get older,
I want a job where I just sit
drinking milky tea all day too!qIf you don't get me those three wooden
sticks and that mouse's blood, I'll
*whisper whisper whisper*, understand?'Ooo. Nasty. Er... Right you are then...What was it I needed again?Hmmmmm._Three wooden sticks, being of wood,
long and thin, and stick shaped.
Equal lengths preferred...But what are they for?AThey're for you to find, not stand
around asking questions about!(Four cubic centimetres
of mouse blood...KShould I collect it myself -
or should I consult with
a very small vampire?Suit yourself.!Look - about this glitter then..."Where should I try looking for it?`When you have a hat as pointy
as mine, my boy, these sort of
questions are far, far beneath you.LThat's what bumbling lackeys are for
and you, I may say, look pretty bumbly.=It's obvious. To find glitter,
go where glitter can be found!Seek the source, my boy!@Pure glitter - that's what we want!
Glitter with a capital Glur!7Go to the main source...
Right - any other suggestions?VWell, you could mug a passing pixy, but those
little devils can give you a nasty bite.Fairy nuff... These dribbly candles, then?Yes?Got any ideas, then?6Well, my boy - the best
dribbly candles come with age.ÇÉA careful process of mellowing - of
oozing the wax into careful runnels
over hours of devoted time. It's a
highly skilled job, candle dribbling.@Careful aging - just the way
we make the perfect Archchancellor.!Ah! And careful dribbling, too...2Now - you're sure about me needing a stench, then.EMmmmm? Well, only if we want the
spell done in the traditional style. So where do I find a stench?`Follow your nose - hah, hah, hah, hah, hah, hah!
That was rather good, though I say it myself...;Are you sure there's no one
else's life you'd like to ruin?QAt the moment, I'm content to merely
ruin the life of assistant Wizard Rincewind.TI suppose if pushed, I could try ruining
the life of gardener's assistant Rincewind?#Assistant street-sweeper Rincewind?ÇñActually, I feel a certain yearning to
really come down like a ton of rectangular
building things upon a "sewerage systems
blockage removal technician" Rincewind...JUm - So that was three sticks,
mouse's blood, glitter,
stench and candles.)Right - back in a tick! Or maybe a jiffy!*Right - so now it begins!
The great quest!QAaaah - I can see it all now -
wandering locations searching for obscure items...~Staring at objects, wondering what
horrible manipulations I have to go through
just to secure the most mundane pieces of junk.yCan't even go to the lavatory without
negotiation with three dwarfs and a
manically-depressed troll for the toilet paper.=It's not even as if Life has
a High Score table at the end...*Sigh*"Still - could be worse, I suppose.'I might have paid for the privilege..../Here we are then. Glitter dust for you perusal. 43╨3 Aaaah! Right you are, my boy!AExcellent - we'll make a junior
apprentice wizard out of you yet!1But I'm already an assistant
wizard, third class!The day is still young... Here you are. One vile stench.6What's this then? Looks more like
a genie in a bottle?;You'll get a lot more than you'd wish for
if you opened it.OLook at this.
Sticks, three thereof, all exactly alike.
Precisely as specified.SOooo, very good. What did you do then?
Just go and get some sticks from the garden?Well I never!Well... obviously you did.]Here we are. Genuine dribbly candles.
And it wasn't only the bees
that sweated getting these.>Hmmm. Not strictly necessary,
but I suppose they'll look nice.BThere you go. Bet you thought a mouse
didn't hold that much blood.EHow exactly... No, no, never mind.
Some things are best left unknown.!Right! Well that's it then! phew!]That's three sticks of wood,
four cc's of mouse blood, glitter,
stench and dribbly candles...Really? What for?For the rite of AshkEnte!AYou - you said we needed it! I spent
ages getting the rite stuff!Oh... I don't think so....KFor that one you need to open the book,
light the bell and ring the candle.QOr was it light the book, open the bell
and ring the candle? Something like that.0Off you go! We need a candle, a book and a bell! You're not serious, are you?Of course not.CI just love watching the pathos
crossing your helpless little face._Come on - let's get these sticks
and dribbly candles and do this
AshkEnte thing then, shall we?Busy?Oook?0So do you have any ideas
about what I should do? Oook! Oook!+I don't know if I want
to just sleep on it.KEvery time I stop moving for a while,
these flies start buzzing everywhere.Still - could be worse.\Sometimes this zooming star field just seems
to start whooshing straight towards my eyes...!Ooook!Sorry.0You know, I think I need
to get my eyes seen to.#Um - I don't suppose you've ever...Ook?No - no, it's silly really.
Forget it.Ook?Well it's just...>You look to me like the sort of
person a friend could rely on.ÇåTurn to in times of trouble...
or even, for instance, ask to (starts speaking very fast)
wear the front end of a pantomime horse suit.
Ook! Oook!You do?Well why didn't you say so! I'd have got you one long ago./It's about time our sort
came out of the trunk!"Look - um - we're comrades, right?)I mean - we'd...
stand up for each other.HThrough thick and thin,
damn the press,
backs to the wall kind of thing? Oooooooook? So wear a unicorn suit with me?Oook! Ook ook! No, I want to go the front bit!It was my idea!'Well, I suppose he works for peanuts.../Now there's the sort of
fellow you can rely on.Faithful, Intelligent, Arboreal... 43d= ;Still - there must be some good
in him. I wonder which bit?DEI - OHDEI - OHDEI - OHDEI-OHDEI-OH"DAYLIGHT COME AND I WANNA GO HOME!,Come mister tally man,
come tally me banana!"Daylight come and I wanna go home!;We gonna summon Death here,
then have jelly for our afters!"Daylight come and I wanna go home!#Knee bone, leg bone, head bone HUP!"Daylight come and I wanna go home!Oh, good grief!-Er, didn't quite come out
as planned, did it?Who started us off on this?Oook?0Look - I worked long and
hard to get this stuff!ACan we at least treat this ceremony
with a little bit of...
of...,Damn it - I've lost me train of thought now!OWhat's that word I was looking for -
the one used for describing distinction...$um.... differentiation of treatment. Repression?+No, it's not going to
be repression, is it!5We can't treat a ceremony
with a sense of repression!%Er - dictatorship of the proletariat?What?$The dictatorship of the proletariat.:That results as an inevitable
reaction against repression.PLook, look - I think this would work better
if everyone just got back on track..It's time we acted with a little bit of class.Class! That was it!The word was class!
What word?Um - I don't know. But I'm sure it was important. WHAT WAS?"How long have you been here, then?SINCE THE BANANA.eWILL THIS TAKE LONG? I'M ON HOLIDAY.
IT'S GOOD HERE. SUN, SHEEP, SAND,
HATS WITH CORKS, NO WORRIES...+I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE A CHUNDER IN A MINUTE. A chunder. What's a chunder?2YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SURE.
BUT IT SOUNDS INTERESTING.*Now look here, you! This city is in chaos!VHow dare you go swanning off to foreign lands
while we're up to our armpits in undead!7Now you - you get right back
here and get back to work.WORK?I DON'T REMEMBER ANY WORK..WALL I REMEMBER IS A GREAT BIG BANG,
AND THEN AN ETERNITY OF BEER.
AND NO WORRIES, MATE.Lucky blighter!"Now I've had about enough of this!BYou get off that thingummy, get
those corks out of your hat and..."What? Now just you come back here!I have a plan.Oh no.Rincewind, lad!mHow wonderful to see you looking so -
so well - so very sprightly,
so very... shall we say...
so very mobile?2You want me to go find
out where Death has gone...gOnly if you don't want to spend
the rest of your life staring out
across a pond at all the other toads.Frogs...If you prefer.TIf we had a proper union
like the alchemists do, I'd
have a few harsh words for you."Uh - like - dictatorship of the... Oh shut up! 43╚L Ah - hello there!Er. Yeah. Right. Yeah.Y...essss. Absolutely. And you are?Skazz.That's a name I have. Yeah. Right.
Oh lovely.7Well that's this conversation
off to a good start then. What - are - you - doing - here?Doing?Er.Just answer the question!3I'm, you know, trying to
get it together, you know.qI mean, what are, like, you know, any
of us really like, you know, actually
doing, from a cosmic point of view...Yes?What? What are you doing in this room?Ç╖Oh. Right, yeah. Well, working, you know, on this new,
magical engine for working things out. It works
things out, you know. By working them out.
It crunches numbers into little bits.Amazing. What's it called?We, uh, right, call it HEXWhy?mWell, 'cos in the 'working-things-out-engine'
business everything has got to have, like,
a three letter name.2Is that because you can't understand longer words?What?PSomehow, when I look at you I feel that
a *three* letter name just isn't enough.What? I don't understand...)Really? That's astonishing, it really is.JWhat are all these leggy little objects
you have running around the place?#Oh those, oh you know, the're ants.Ants!ǼYeah. Ants. They got legs and sticking-out bits
on their heads. You get them in sandwiches at
picnics, ants. That's what they're, like, you know,
that's what the're called.-I'm perfectly aware of the existence of ants.lWhat I want to know is why you
have them running freely about the
innards of a complex mathematical machine.FAh! There, in fact, is the essence
of my, you know, very cunning plan.ǼYou see, when we were designing HEX, like
we worked out that what with it all being so new
and everything, we were bound to end with,
you know, a lot of bugs in the system.Ç╖And that'd mean people'd be complaining the
whole, like, time. Every time it wouldn't work
properly they'd call us and tell us there was
you know, a bug in the machine, kind of thing.)So why have you put an...
anthill inside?ÇÅAh! right. Well, the cunning bit is, we thought what
we'd do, is put all the bugs in right at the start so
they'd be no room for them later on.
Smart, eh?$Amazing! And somehow so.. prophetic!ERight. But, we don't call them bugs
any more. We call them creatures.^Then if a problem occurs we can say "No, it's not
a bug - it's just an undocumented creature".ÇäAnd the whole system relies on them now!
They race about inside there, opening up
little gates - closing them, opening them again...ÇîRunning about in little wheels, you know,
dragging bits of information from
one storage bin into another...
It's working really, like, well.:I'm not so sure about that.
How do the ants feel about it?sThey seem to like it. We found the machine
works if you put living things in, see.
We put in a mouse the other day.SAnd it worked really fast when we put some
ram in, until they butted their way out.2Do you ever, how should I put this, lose any ants?\It's funny you mentioned that.
It was only like, yesterday when
I lost a hundred of my best.@It was awful. The machine was like
totally debugged for a while.5So this is where all the
grant money goes these days!9There's no point getting all,
you know,
uncool and heavy.lAnyway, I don't deal with the money.
It's all Kevin's doing.
He knows how to talk to
the University council.Kevin? Who's Kevin? One of my research assistants.*He's a, you know, invertebrate politician.IYou mean inveterate politician.
I think there's a misprint in the script.No, Invertebrate.=He's an ant. Currently he lives
in that test tube over there._Now go, you know, go like, away
because I can't stand around here
all day - it's too difficult.ÇÇHmmmmm - you know, much as I'm convinced
that there must be a reason behind all this
rot, perhaps it's safer just to never know.dMaybe I'll just rob the place of
every little object that might be
of use and just leave it at that.VPick Up Bird, Open Door,
Throw Axe at Dwarf -- it was so
much simpler in the old days. 43░X Oh! Like, wow!)I see - I see like, a totally new world!ZIt's - it's a view into possibilities
that might or might not be!
Cosmic uncertainty, man!DKinda like you've got an animal
inside this box - only it's a cat...The box is a cat?'Yeah - but sometimes it's, like - dead!NOh, man - you just have to climb in this
thing for yourself and go for a ride!What have you been doing?/It's like a - a manifestation of cosmic energy.$Looks like a giant centrifuge to me.,Yeah, but it's, like,
spiritually purifying.2It removes the extraneous
elements... of the soul.Really?So what did you lose?oI lost, right - all the unneeded
creamed corn and diced carrots that
had burdened my psyche, like, for so long.>It's incredible, right! I never even
knew I had them in there!
Oh fine...
Oh lovely!%So you're a research fellow, are you?VFree housing, a wage and medical benefits,
and this is what we get for all our outlay?It's not such a good job.)I'd leave it if it weren't for the perks.What perks are these.OThank goodness this robe is washable.
You, on the other hand, appear not to be. Why don't you have another ride?vOne wonders if the public knows that their
valuable taxes are being spent on the
creation of a giant merry go round...7Still - there might be some
sort of use come out of it.YYou could charge kids ten groats a
go and watch them spew candy floss
all over the walls.6At least it would give the
ants something for lunch...+So - um - what is all this in aid of, then?Thaums.-Billions and Billions and Billions of Thaums.LPardon me while I just edge closer to an
appropriate escape route, will you?BPlease don't let me disturb your
meditation on world domination... So what is a 'Thaum', actually?8A Thaum? You want to know
exactly what a Thaum might be?%Good heavens, no!
That's why I asked!(Oh yes, I can tell
you all about Thaums.Well? Aren't you going to say please?+All right - please tell me what a Thaum is.@A Thaum is a magical particle.
The quintessence of magic itself.`Inside this Thaum accelerator,
I can take magic, and whirr it up
to a massively increased speed.PImagine! High powered magic! Spells a
thousand times more efficient than before!6With this power in my hand,
I could - I could...!
I...Give your creature life? Be the envy of your friends? Get girls through hypnotism? Make ooooooo In Your Spare Time?"Oh yes - yes all that - and more!8Hfrrrr! Hfrrrr! Zoing!
Errrr - come in starbase nine...!1Look - you're a busy man,
or at least humanoid...HWould you like to see a brief
documentary clickie display about my work?No thank you...Ç¢We have a guidebook, complete with an
interview of me and a series of diagrams
charting my incredible progress in finding
out what makes the universe tick!No no - that's all right!SI know what makes *me* tick. I'm tick when
I accidentally put tugar on my tausages.
Oh lovely. A giant drink mixing machine.Drink mixer!?!FYou call the greatest magical
breakthrough of the age a drink mixer!?!Yes.3Well all right. Maybe it
is a giant centrifuge now! But one day! 43\g One day! Pow! Whizzzz! Bing! Kablooey!{We have the power! We're unencumbered
by outmoded ideas! And it's quite untrue
that thaumic research damages the ... brain!9We are the young generation
and we have something to say!UWe'll split the thaum and usher
in an age of cheap clean power...
a new-clear future!.We've been getting nowhere fast, haven't we...hThere's no truth at all that splitting thaums
causes the brain to - woof - melt! No truth at all!
Haaah!vEvery day and in every way,
I'm getting better and better and better! They
laughed at me and said I was mad, you know!cHave a nice day! Have a nice day-
have a real, real, real nice night - no day!
Ha ha ha ha ha !!!!!You're a loony!Loony?Loony, eh?
*Bark* Well - we'll see about that.%They called Mad Dog McAxeman a loony!kWell, that could be because he
used to dress up like a crayfish and
go running up and down the high street.That wasn't him!It was another oneNo it wasn't.FHe was the idiot who accidentally
ate his own feet, for heaven's sake.MYes yes yes - well, people always
scoff at what they don't understand!
*Bark*+Well, I understood he scoffed his own feet.6I don't see this as being
a new age in magical energy.)Still - might be a few arts grants in it.NI could try gargling lager and curry,
then take a ride with a piece of canvas. No, no, no!)Don't you know it's wrong to mix spirits? Oh Chucky Chucky Chucky Chucky!(Oooooh Chucky Chucky Chucky Chucky Ch...Oh woe.Oh woe, woe again!$Oh, heavy. What a, you know, downer.5Ah - now don't tell me -
something's wrong, isn't it?9Oh, you know, it's like, well like - woe!
you know - woe!ǪWe've run out of... ants! And HEX only works
if there's enough bugs, and, like, there isn't
enough bugs, so my wonderful machine for
working things out... won't work.$So why don't you just get more ants?1It's him! Kevin! The ant leader - he's revolting!YHe's got the rest of the
anthill striking for better
pay and, you know like - conditions!Well can't you negotiate?#No, he's brought in the big muscle.@He's got grasshoppers and crickets
protecting his placard gangs.It's a cricket picket.+Well why don't you just put your foot down?I um... I did. That's why I need more ants.ÇçSo in effect, you're saying that what you'd
really like me to do is go out on a dangerous
quest to fetch you a whole bunch of new ants.Oh, great!
Will you?I'll consider it.wRight after I have my severed limbs
stuffed into a thaum accelerator...
but we know better,
don't we, boys and girls...ÇÆYou know, as I stand and gaze at
this sort of scientific achievement,
it makes - ooooh - it just makes
goosebumps shiver all up and down my spine!Hey! - Don't scratch it! It's probably some of my antsFSo tell me, what wonderful solutions
has HEX provided us with of late.iWell, now that you like mention it,
HEX hasn't done a great deal since
I last saw you. It's like, broken.~That's not to say that with the right ants,
it couldn't like calculate PI or even the
Archchancellor's inside leg measurement.BSay! Can I perhaps beg the use of
your working-things-out-machine?=That is, if a sufficiently noble
and just cause should arise?qOh, I would surely think so - seeing
as the purpose of HEX is, you know, to
relieve man of a number of his woes -âR..and I must point out that failure of
the machinery to work, in whole or in part,Lis not the fault of the manufacturer,
who can in no way be held responsible,rbut will in fact ensure that you, the
purchaser, are clearly at fault for
buying the product in the first place...But can I use your machine?Well no. Not now.It's not working!bUm - I don't suppose you'd be
interested in sharing a pantomime
horse suit with me, by any chance?Oh yes.5But only if I can, like, you know, bring all my ants. 430t eAh. Um - maybe another time, then.
I'm under doctor's orders to avoid
any more eerie little rashes...@Hmmmm - a giant thinking engine,
a thriving community of ants...`Surely an intrepid wizard can find
some way to bend these pathetic
little tools to greater ends?+Perhaps I should wait until one turns up...Right - so the ants are in?Yes, that is correct.OOooh look - they're all running around.
They're, you know, keen to get started./Yes - anyway, so we are now ready to get going..I mean, I can ask this machine a question now?*Yes. Quite right. Ask, you know, ask away.$What do you call this machine again?qHEX. A three-letter name. And it's not
because it's, you know, useless, no matter
what you might hear people say.éHeh, heh heh,Heh, heh heh.HEX How lovely.(See anything wrong with the name at all?ANo. My research assistants seem
to think it's very appropriate...@All right, all right - let's just
get on with it then, shall we?CRight - HEX, I want you to tell me
the answer to the question: Why?Well?_Ah - well of course, a certain amount
of working time is required for
any problem of this type.Yeah? How long?CAccording to my estimate, we should
have your answer... in a jiffy.A jiffy?dAh - that is the abbreviation of
the Klatchian word "jiffasitra",
meaning aeon, or age of the world.!Probably about two million years.1Would you like a cup of
something while you wait?Hemlock?2Oh - I don't know if we
have any of that in stock.KLook - there's no point in getting uptight.
You'll just have to be patient.HI mean, it's not as if you can just
run off and somehow accelerate time!Oh yeah? Well I'm a wizard!_A bona fide, pointy-hatted
skirt-wearing magic tosser,
although perhaps I should rephrase that.I can do anything I like!;I'll accelerate time anywhere
I want to, any when, any how!âJI'm going to accelerate time for those
little six legged idiots in there -Zlet them develop a civilisation,
new philosophies and entire
galaxies of new perceptions -:and then I'm going to jump up
and down on the lot of them!HHey, I'm really getting the hang
of this 'science' business, aren't I...,Right - let's give it another shot shall we? Certainly, if that is your wish.CRight - HEX, I want you to tell me
the answer to the question: Why?PThere! Now that wasn't so bad. You see
what just a little bit of patience can...&Shut up and tell me the damned answer!Ah. Now let me see...hmm.Well?Oh!It says: "BECAUSE."Is that all? 'Because'?!Well, it also says:éÇü"Blip blip blip, Out of Cheese Error...
blip blip blip" Oh, blip!Waaaaaah wa-ha wa-haaaaaa!ÇèThe idea that high energy magic
affects the brain is quite absurd!
Aa-hoo.... put a lead on me!
My eyeballs have always revolved this way!What are you doing?Nothing.Nothing at all.%Why - what did you think I was doing?%Oh err - absolutely nothing at all...eOooooik! Oooooooik!
Nooooooo - nooooooo! Aaah! Aaaah! Aaaaah!
Don't make me run the National, please!@Look - there aren't any eerie
after-effects to Thaum exposure...
are there?What? Nurgh! Nurgh! Nauww woo woo!%How dare you sir! I'm as well as a...Neeeeek! Neeeek neeek! 43╨~ Never felt better in my...)Ha - fowwwwww...
Neeah... neeah... neeah!$Oh gods - what are you up to now...?What am I up to? You ask me, what am I up to !!!Yeah - that's right.&What are you doing to that poor ghost?*Do you realize what this ghost represents? The resources it can provide?"An inexhaustible supply of phlegm?LExactly! Ha-ha-ha!
Troot-tootoo-too-too-too-tooo!
Well, ectoplasm, actually.%Bucket and buckets and buckets of it!sAn inexhaustible natural resource!
Oooh! I'm exhausted
No you're not - you're inexhaustable
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! With which you'll do.... what?Do?DErm, oh, er - p-p-possible uses as...
as... an industrial lubricant?5Remind me not to waste time
ordering your prospectus.Hum, so - as I see it:<I can't get HEX to work without
collecting a number or ants.égI can't get the ants, apparently,
without travelling to far off
climes and collecting the darn things -uleading to a lovely series of little
sub-quests designed to chew up at least
six or seven hours of our valuable time.éWBut is this living? I mean, following these
"Russian Doll" problems one after another -9it's not much of a life for
an enterprising chap like me!I want adventure!I want excitement!I want action! I want ants!%I'm working on it!
I'm working on it!%Oh wow! Like, like - like really wow!*Like I'm, I'm, totally drenched in... goo!*Well it coordinated
well with your colour. Hey, thanks man! Boom-shanka!/So you've still been
riding around in it, then?,It's, like, the ectoplasmic experience, man!<You just, like - go in there
and find yourself awash in goo!-It's really cool for
unblocking your sinuses.$Oh please don't tell me any more...!6Look - isn't there anything
worthwhile you have to do?EWell, like - I suppose I could do
some more subject reaction testing.&Good - so why don't you do that, then?)Right - right, let's go for a spin, yeah?A*Sigh* And I still have a hundred years
to go until retirement...!Nope - you've got me on this one.;I've got no idea what any of
all this stuff is all about...Hello!Shhhhhh!Sorry.Really sorry.D'oh!Hmmmmm - tricky shot.KSo you'll all just have a nice game
here then, while I go off and work, eh?Right!IDon't mind me - I'll just be over here,
saving the entire universe, then!;Hmmm - very... Very nice sticks
on those croquet mallets.../Go away! We are trying to play a relaxing game!%Fine! Fine! Don't let me disturb you.9I'll just be over here saving
us all from certain doom... Hello there!
Fine day for it?4Mmmmmm? Mmmmm - for it?
Whoa hoa! Aaaah - (goes mad)#You see? My spleen still remembers!Remembers what?#Hmmmm? Well it remembers - I don't.
Not heavy enough to make a decent clout!MFind me another mallet, boy, and I'll
show you how we did it in the old days!%You'll never make the shot, you know.8Eh? Why you arrogant young
whipper squasher! Watch this!There! What did I tell you.$I'll get that! It's probably for me!WAaaaah the simple charms of a quiet life.
I could just stand here and watch it all day.dThe pure green grass
The gentle sun...
The tedious old fools hitting balls
with long stickie-things.XYeah, you're right, really.
Let's get out of here before
we find ourselves joining in.../Well that threw a monkey wrench into the works!Ooook!<No! It's just a turn of phrase!
I swear it just slipped out!eI in no way intended to pass any
sort of derogatory remark about your
chosen form, not here nor ever!vI personally find that having an
arboreal primate as a companion
has been an enriching - nay,
invigorating experience.Ook ook!Well that settled him down.]I do wish he'd just let it rest.
I don't see it matters if
people accidentally say 'monkey'---So - seen any good sticks
around here at all?Oook?1Ah well - I'll just go off
and keep looking then.2So at least you chaps are
having a good day of it!1Balmy afternoon -
breezes blowing,
sun shining...Ook!+I suppose that makes it
monkey shine, then!OOOK!$Well he's the one who said it first!ÇàYou know - the sooner I get
Death up and on his feet again,
the sooner I might open up some more
avenues for promotion around here...#Eeeeee! Oooor! Eeee-eeee! Raaaaark!Stop it!8Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
I thought you were someone else.Who?Hmmmm?
Who what?Who did you think I was?/Oh! Nobody in particular.
Don't worry about it. Eeeeeee - ooooor!
Eek Aaaaaar!)One hesitates to ask any further, really.Oit! Oit! Oit!Look - who are you?Oit! Oit!
Stenkh, the Imp!Stench, the imp?No no, Stenkh, not stench.AI wouldn't make many friends
if I was called Stench, now would I?CI mean, I do have a stench -
all part of the job, you understand...+But stench is not, in fact, my actual name.I see...@And so you, in fact, might have
the worst stench in the kingdom?@Ah. Second worst, I'm afraid.
The worst belongs to Foul old Ron.BWell - that's probably what did it
actually; drove me mad and all.nThe disappointment, the yearning -
looking towards a goal one could never
really achieve - that sort of thing.Mad?.Oh yes. Lip-strumming,
hooting mad I'm afraid.7Ooooooit! Ooooooit!
Whose a pretty cuttlefish?
Oooooit!8Why do people lapse into insanity
when they speak to me?&You've got a sympathetic face, mister.Eeeeee! Oooooooit! These boots of yours then...?Hmmmmm? They're the home of your stench?.Aha! They are the perfect
home for any stench!AThey are, in fact, the ideal
dream home for really strong smells! 43ⁿò mI aim to go and attract some really
astounding stinks to myself later on,
right after a good, hard manic fit.-Hang on - hang on hang on!
Here it comes now!Oiiiit!
Oooooit! Oooooi...
Oi, Oi, Oi....ooh.Nope - didn't happen.Sorry! Ooooooit!Oiiiiit! Urgle nurgle!Oiiiiit!So that's it, is it?DThat's your entire repertoire -
just sitting around and saying "Oit"$Is that all?
Is that all?
No, why...@Oh you say I'm just a smelly-little-imp,
and so I say Hooray-oh!;You say that I'm a silly-little-gimp,
and I say go away-oh!0Coz I'm smelly over here!
I'm smelly over there!$I'm smelly smelly
smelly everywhere!@I fill the bath tub plug with hair,
and then I sing all day, oh!?Oh you say I'm just a silly jelly blimp,
and I say it's OK, oh!=You say a piece of string is limp,
and I say the word potato!@Limp limp here! Limp limp there!
And potato peelings everywhere!/How long's it take to skin a bear?
And I say...Um - And I say...
... all day - oh... Oiiiiiit!Quite...&An imp with curious steel-soled boots.That looks...curious...PLook, I hope you're writing this down. What do you
want me to do, shout 'Hint!'?GAaaah bees! Beautiful bees.
Pollen collectors to the discerning gentry.GWhy is it that people feel such a
liking for eating distilled bee spit? Kep offen them beez thar zur....!Sorry? I didn't quite catch that!*I said, do please keep
away from the bees._They're very dangerous. You need
the right equipment, see? A veil -
smoke - that kind of thing.2Oh come on - they're not
that dangerous, are they?Oooooh yes! Yes indeed!ÇàLast fellow here who tried to mess with that
hive ended up stung, bewitched and turned
into the helpless love slave of the bee queen!Really?As the gods judge me, sir!{He was off there, collecting pollen day
and night just for the privilege of seeing
her mandibles crease up in a smile, sir!6Awful - awful the degradation
he got put through, sir!%Oh gods - it must have been horrible!2Yessir. The pollen made me
sneeze something awful.5I think at this point I should --
ahem -- buzz off.../So you - ah - you really
like bees a lot, then?HAaaah they're wonderful
little things, sir -
such rich and varied lives.4Zooming into the hive -
and - and zooming out again.Poetry.Pure poetry in motion!<No one pays them enough attention, sir.
That's what I think.OIf only someone would give the little darlings
the recognition they deserves...Mmmm - quite...?I mean - it's all ants these days sir.
Ants this and ants that!2Ants can carry 100 times
their own body weight ...Yes, now look...*I mean, it's nothing a bee
can't cap, sir!XLook at your basic regurgitation process -
or the fascinating little dances bees perform(Poit! I see a flower filled with nectar.7Poit! Watch out for the
spider's web over in that tree!'Poit! The clover's coming into bloom...MWhere's he gone, then? I was just
getting into the really interesting bits...ILook, can I have some wax out of the
bee hive, or do I have to get tough!Tough?.What, go in there and fight the queen herself? 43Ñ No, I mean get tough with you!$You know - threaten! Offer violence.@Intimidate you through use of
magic powers - that sort of thing.+There's no call for
that sort of thing sir!ǻIf you're going to take that attitude, I'm
afraid I'm going to have to force you to go
off on a bizarre quest to find objects which
will catch my interest and curry my favour. Oh, that *would* be a novelty.)You've no one but yourself to blame, sir!!Off you go - the day's a-wasting.Bees - the eternal mystery.+How do they fly -
how do they communicate -ÇÜAnd why are all the workers dumb enough
to go off and toil in the fields all day,
leaving the queen lounging about guzzling
nectar and having a good time?Ç«Look, here's something that may interest you.
You seem to know all about bees.
Why don't you make a clickie about them.
You could then pass on all your knowledge so to speak.pHmmm. You don't say.
You know, you may just have something there.
It's time the world knew the facts about bees.Women want the joke!Jokes for Women!BFemale jesters can be every bit
as dried up and clichΘ'd as a man!*We shall not...
We shall not be moo-ooved!Oh no - not again...*We shall not...
We shall not be moo-ooved!What - never?What?IWell obviously not *never*.
I mean - there's calls
of nature for a start.cThe protest would lose some
of its majesty if I didn't nip off
now and then for a quick... you now.Aaaah - I see...'Then there's sundry other emergencies -Ç┬I mean, if a tidal wave, right, came sweeping this way,
right, then the protest itself could hardly be seen
to suffer if I screamed in fright, untied
myself and fled in the opposite direction...IJust common sense, really.
Live to fight another day,
that sort of thing.â7Still, all in all, we will not be
moved involuntarily -1except by calls of nature,
calls of super nature,Bor through other extraneous
circumstances we can't really control.KFine. Possibly the most carefully thought out
protest song I've ever heard.*Is it a good place for
this kind of thing?dI mean - is the University garden
really the most effective place
to be getting your message across? Not really.gStill - what it lacks in street presence,
I feel it makes up for with a certain
rural charm, don't you?rAaaaah - Sun in the trees,
the wind in my hair -
the rather interesting feel of hemp bounds
as they restrain me...Are you married at all?2Um - excuse me - I think
I hear my mother calling!MIt seems to me that there has to be
a better way of doing this sort of thing.5Have you ever considered
maybe distributing leaflets?Mmmmm - thought of it.GBut it's a bit hard passing out
leaflets when I'm roped up here, right!1Um - I don't think you
quite understand my point.But then...who does?é*Leaving us of course
to ask the question -=just how does she manage to
tie up both of her own hands?....%We shall overcome!
We shall overcome!Overcome what?What was that - fascist?5I'm asking just what it is
that you want to overcome?Who tied you up like this?&I've tied myself here - yeah! Me, pig!#Now try and repress me out of that!You tied yourself up!(It's an act demonstrating freedom - see?[Well... it demonstrates my
freedom to tie myself to anything
I want to, whenever I want to!SThat's one of your basic human rights - right,
and I'll fight to keep a hold of it!>You mean you want to fight for
the right to lose your freedom? Right on!1Don't you want to know
what I'm protesting about?,I was half hoping to avoid it,
but do go on.TI'm protesting for the right to have female
members of the Fools and Jesters' Guild!"And - I - will - not - be - moved!:Why are you protesting about
it over here in the cemetary?/Why don't you do it outside
the Jesters' Guild?JThey never have anything worth tying
yourself to over at that end of town.OI like this, though!
Quite a nice little stake,
if you don't mind my saying so. 43`┤ 7Not an absolute prime choice,
mind - but getting there! Then by all means be my guest.DExcuse me - I think it's probably
time for me to take my medicine...Aaaah! Aaah, another one!(Go find your own grave,
you rotten fool! Windle!?!FWindle? Gad - that's my private name.
Aaaah - you still remember, lad.*Aaah - great days they were, great days...Ç├Life? You don't know what life is until you're
dead! It was great, all that breathing and walking
around in the fresh air, oh, I tell you, if I had my
time all over again I wouldn't reincarnate.. So how are you adjusting then?6Ooooooh I'll never get used
to this grave, I tell you!_The walls are so thin, all you
can do here is lie around and
listen to what the neighbours say!So... what's it like.Being dead, I mean.pOoooh - I've had enough of it!
The hours are too long for a start!
Here - keep the wretched dead and alive hole!,Wait! What am I supposed
to do with a grave? Use it as a small swimming pool!I can't swim!2I never said you had to fill it with water, did I?Yoiks and away!8Right - well, it looks like
I have a real mission, then.â-I either restore Death
to his rightful place,[or else we'll be up to our
armpits in gaunt, dark-eyed young
Gothic girls dressed in black,3all pretending that they
can quote romantic poetry.1Actually, that doesn't sound bad at-- no! Onward!Bring out yer living dead!Bring out yer living dead!ÇÖDead collected, corpses transported!
Guaranteed disposal to far off climes -
the dear departed stay departed, they
like it so much they never comes back! Highly recommended service -pWell - obviously the transportees
themselves won't recommend us, but
complaints are never ever received, either!Bring out yer living dead! Dead sir?-Dead? Of course I'm not dead?
Do I look dead?/Oooooh - hard to tell
sometimes these days sir.é<It's just that if you're dead,
then you're stock in trade...Vand our post-mortem travel
service offers dozens of very
exciting interment locations!Look - I am not dead!&Look - you seem a little bit pique-ey.oWhy don't you just hop on
the old cart for a minute,
and if you pop off, then it
saves us all a lot of trouble.YIf it's all the same to you,
I think I'll avoid resting
my backside on a pile of carrion..Suit yerself sir -
I'm sure they don't mind... So how is business these days?(Tailing off, to tell
you the truth, sir.AMost of the dead hereabouts nowadays
provide their own transport.:What - they just start walking
around all by themselves!?!Yeah! Bloody cheek!ÇáOne minute you've got a livelihood,
and the next minute everyone decides
to be a zombie, all posh like, and starts
walking about and frightening schoolchildren.:I've had to ruin myself making
my service more attractive!Attractive? How?^Well, used to be we'd just take
the stiffs and chuck them into
the plague pit outside of town.â"No no! Beautiful ceremony it was -Overy touching, watchin' 'em slide down
and go thump on the bottom of the hole -real poignant like.lNow, though, you have to make it
seem more attractive than wandering
the streets as one of the walking dead.eSo now we offer transport to foreign climes -
you know, sun, beaches, relaxation,
that sort of thing.kHopefully it's just what your
freshly snuffed corpse desires -
a good holiday to get some of the kinks out.Foreign climes?For a corpse?!Well corpses have needs too, sir!-It's not all just fun and games,
being dead..éQThere's sudden stiffness in the joints,
continual growth of hair and fingernails,Jnot to mention noisy poltergeists and
neighbours who dislike being gnawed.Ignored?0No no - gnawed. You know - maggots and suchlike.5Pah! should hear the way some
of them go on about it!:I mean - it's not like there's
anything I can do about it!jStill - I thought the offer of
a few exotic locations for interment
might soften the blow, as it were sir.Posthumous travel services.*I wonder if he gets
many return customers?Bring out yer dead! 43┴ +Luxury post-mortem
transportation services!CFive star service -
best cadaver relocation agency
in Ankh-Morpork!Highly recommended service!Bring out yer dead!&Hello again sir!
Beautiful day for it!(Beautiful day?
A beautiful day for what?Well - for being dead, sir.2Have you considered it at all?
All the advantages? Advantages?(What advantages could there possibly be?YWell - lower clothing bills -
no more overheads for food,
for winter fuel. Lower rent.... Lower rent?&Well, the dead don't move around much.IYou might say that they don't
need as big a set of digs...Ha! ha! ha! ha!5That's - that's just a
little undertaker's joke, sir.SI'd keep away from them,
if I were you - otherwise you'll
end up as stock-in-trade.)So - where do you transport your corpses?COh - well it used to be all mountains -
you know, scenic locations.ZVery cold, you see, so the customers
enjoyed it for longer before
all their bits fell off.7But you should see the place
we've just found now, sir!YBeaches, hats with corks,
and blondes with these huuuuge,
straining, pink, oil smeared...$Yes yes yes!
But how do I get there?!Well, you'd have to be dead, sir!6We've got the entire season's
passages already booked!XLook - are you telling me that
I have to be dead in order to
qualify for tourist travel?Well yes sir!"But it's a very reasonable option.)We let you take all the luggage you want! Why's that?7It's all classed as
'carrion' baggage, sir!
HA! HA! HA!4Um - that was just another
little undertaker's joke..It's a good thing you
have a captive audience.BWhy not just tell me how to get
to this holiday location of yours.+Just a death certificate should do it, sir!9It's the only way to tell,
these days! Got one, have you?-So how do you transport
your corpses, anyway?(We have a great big
galley for all that.y'Course, with the dead so vigorous
these days, they're only too keen
to work the oars themselves!
We just can't stop 'em! Why's that?2Turns out they like skulling!
Ha! ha! haa! ha! ha!=Skulling! - with the oars!
Sculling...oars....dead....get it?YJust trying to inject a little humour.
What'd life be like if you
had no sense of humour? You tell me.CSo you need a death certificate
just to qualify for foreign travel?tUm... In many ways, death's a small price
to pay for getting out of this place
and starting new life somewhere else.Right - well, hop on sir!1We'll soon have you off
to a post-mortem holiday.1Did I tell you the one
about the carrion luggage?
Afraid so. Ah well - can't win 'em all.$Or any of them, come to think of it.qOoh, Buggrit! Aaaah! Oh, Buggrum err um,
millennium hand and shrimp!
The buns! The buns!
All over the.... Aaaaah!HYou young Spiders! Spiders!
Aaagh! I told 'em, put that in
your trumpet!@Millennium hand and shrimp!
Blow that for a game of trousers ...$He said trousers, huh huh huh huh...Yeah, huh huh huh huh Was there something you wanted? Look - um...Talking! I'm good at that.tMost of the time I talks to myself
'cause it's nice to hear an intelligent
person speak. Millennium hand and shrimp!YYou can blow that out of your
teapot and no mistake! I'm as
sane as the next man, listen!&I just hope I never meet the next man.But I probably will.0Look, erm - you're a busy man, I can see that... 43╬ ÇäErr, Mumble Mumble Mumble. Right! I've
really got behind on my mumbling
and shouting-out-loud quota today!
Mumble, mumble, mumble...#What's that cloud hanging over you?)Stench! That's my special smell, that is!]Yes, a first class smell! It's got a
life of its own, you know.
Quite the little personality!EYou're saying that your smell is
so powerful it actually can be seen? It likes the boots, you know.ANothing it likes better than
to settle down with a good old boot.ÇêNow, if you'll excuse me, I've got
to continue with my job as resident
crazy man in this marvellous street
theatre that is Ankh-Morpork.4Those - those are boots
you're cooking, aren't they?-Prime boots! With err - with stench attached.!They smell likes shoes, you know.@Gotta have lotsa boots to maintain
a real, fine stink, you know!!He said stink, huh huh huh huh...Yeah, heh heh heh heh.%Get off! There's plenty for everyone!#It's beans!
Roasted beans in water!EThey say there's nothing like a
nice cup of coffee to clear the mind!ÇòMind you, I prefer mud! A good hot cup of
mud sets you up for the day. A good meal of old
boots and mud and a man can laugh at the world,
and I do...hahahahahahahaha....?I see the local
"care in the community"
scheme is hard at work.JMumble mumble mumble millennium hand and shrimp
mumbumble mumble mumble...WOf course, a *really* caring community
would probably have moved
him further down wind.,Spiders! Spiders!
Mumble mumble muh muh muh!&Sticking like sticky paper!
And lying!"Millennium hand and shrimp! Lying!JYou know, some might say that this
chap lacks a firm grasp upon reality... Bleah, Buggrem!
Buggrem all!ÇâMy personal theory is that he
has a very firm grasp upon reality -
it's simply not a reality the rest
of us have ever met before...,Spare a gold piece, sir!
Spare a gold piece!;A whole gold piece?
Most people don't
earn that in a month!oWell the streets are swarming with
beggars, sir, so I thought I'd establish
myself in a different niche market.&You know - beggar to the upper gentry.
Oh really.,So as I say, sir -
any gold pieces to spare?Perhaps raw bullion?$Shares, futures,
that sort of thing? Oh stop it!(And go and do something
about that duck!
What duck?#Look - um.... about this.. this....
What, sir?KWell it's just...
Do you feel any - um -
poultry-ish presence in your life?%No - not that I can say I've noticed.TSo you wouldn't say,
for instance,
that you have a - um -
an unusual choice in hats?Hats? I don't wear a hat.Ah. Or pets, perhaps? No, sir - never keep any pets!{They say an owner always ends
up looking like their pet -
and who'd want to go around in
life looking like something silly?,Ahhhh - yes, yes,
I see your point. Oh, yes!What's in the pot? Coffee olΘ!Au lait?)No, olΘ! We stole it
from a bull fighter.IGot to stay sharp, sir, otherwise the
bull might get in an illegal punch!%Oooooh! Fresh coffee!
Can I try some?No.YYou wouldn't say there's anything
in the slightest bit unusual
in your appearance at all?No. Why?LNothing that, say, when
viewed in a mirror might
give you pause for thought?What's a mirror, sir?:Ah. We may, in fact, have
reached the root of the problem.PHowever, it's a silly problem,
and so I'm suddenly going
to stop talking to you.YNope. Don't think I really
want to handle this one...
Correspondence would be welcomed... Eeeeergh! 43,┌ Er spare a groat for aEeergh, spare a
Eeeer ---.'Damn - forgotten
what I was asking now!Oh please just go away!2Yer - gimmie some money, mate!
Jus' gim... Eeeugh!DAaaargh! Oh sorry sir - I didn't
*wheeze* realize you were so close!It'll probably wash off!'Do you serve any useful purpose at all? Heur yeerugh... Yer! Yes, mate!#*Wheeze* I'm a social figure, I am!>I get non-invited to all the best
functions in the city, I do! What do you mean, non-invited?wOh, you know, they sends me the address
and,eugh, pays me money not to turn up.
Can't understand why, meself... Eeeugh! Aaww - oh sorry about that guv!OOh nah, nah, naaah - don't rub it off -
it only works it deeper into the cloth. Now look...!;*Cough Splutter Cough* (Violent phlegm attack)
Aaww Gawd...Never mind...dI'd probably have more to say,
but I'm afraid I keep being distracted
by this bloody dreadful smell.8Buggrit! Aaaah! Snap for a
pumice stone, see if I don't!.The buns! I told 'em!
All over the.... Aaaaah! He said buns, huh huh huh huh...%Yeah, huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh7You young...
Spiders! Spiders!
Aaaah! Aaaah get'em-off!Eeeergh!Millennium hand and shrimp!'You mark my, you
you you just mark 'em!Hello...VHello? Hello, is it? When there's
flies walking on sticky paper
and taking up politicsZFlies? I wouldn't give you a cheese handcart
for a glass hammer or my name's not Victoria!,Look - you've got a lot to do, I see that...VEmbrace the cuttlefish!
I told 'em! Stuff that in your
parsnip, and would they listen?#He said parsnip, huh huh huh huh...%Yeah, huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh*Now - you seem to be a fine, upstanding...9Aaaaargh! I shot an albatross
and it didn't half get mad!aAh - yes, anyway - I was wondering
if you might consent to join me
inside a pantomime horse suit?JBecause I am clearly even more insane
than you. If that could be possible.It's about time!#I've been waiting for just such a -1Waaaaargh! Gettem - gettem off!
Right - in we go!7*Cough* Wait! *Splutter* I've - I've got a better idea!CYou just stay here -
and I'll go hack my own
head off with a spoon.4Spare half the kingdom, sir!
Just half the kingdom -5or maybe the hand of a fair
princess - I'm not fussy.Still trying, eh?*I still feel this strategy has merit, sir!LYou never know when some sort of
Prince-in-mufti is just going to stroll by.yImagine my chagrin if I were to only ask
for a gold piece, when he was in the mood
to dispense out half of all his realm!xMmmmm - yes. On the other hand, imagine
the long nights of starvation if he's
only a wizard without a penny to his name./No - I still prefer to
risk the long view, sir! Oh stop it!(And go and do something
about that duck!
What duck?[I don't know how to broach this
subject tactfully, so I shall
try it as simply as possible.2Are you aware that there
is a duck upon your head?)Oh, oh yeah, heh, heh... Very witty, sir!!Now look - I'm perfectly serious!%You have a duck on top of your skull!A Duck? What do you mean?A duck! A duck!éA mallard.
Waterfowl.+A flat-beaked, paddle-footed aquatic avian! Oh! Very witty sir!
Very witty! 43╘σ sYou just want me to go running off to
find a pond or something so I can peer
down into it and then look ridiculous!#Very good sir - full points to you!,Look - is this just a begging scam, or what?
What, sir?/That bird on your head! It's got duck feathers!Look - duck down!Why - what's coming? Oh, I've had enough of this!nWith my luck, I'll only be gone for
ten minutes and he'll end up marrying
the most beautiful lady in the city.\Mind you, if he'd seen the most
beautiful lady in the city, he
might not be quite so keen...Oh please - not again!Eeeergh! Sorry guv!6Eurgh! That's a... that's a dental problem's that is!I*Cough* You don't get phlegm that colour
without dental problems! *Snort*!Can't you get that cough seen to?"*Wheeze* Yer! Yer, mate! whuuur...>*Snort* A doctor, a doctor seen it last week dinn't he. *Nurr*So what'd he say?LDunno, mate - they're still waitin'
for him to come around, sir..
Eeeughh...,Eeeergh - Eeeergh - Eeeergh... oh sorry guv! Now look...!Eeeergh, cough, cough.Never mind...ZNope - I'm afraid the censors blanked out
anything useful that I had to say at this point. Hello there!Ha! A likely story!NThat's just the sort of attitude
I've come to expect from you living Fascists!What? I never said a word!,Words - yeah, right!
That's where it starts.CDead common - Dead boring!
You've used 'em - don't say you haven't!I'm not prejudiced.I'm dead set against it!See! There you go!`If there's ever going to be
any justice for us undead, then
we have to start at the grass roots."Oh, a bit lower than that, surely?9Don't you try to dictate our
level of activity - "Livey"!!Dead rights!
That's what we want!&So if you're not dead,
then drop dead!gThis club's for the children of
the night - so if you want to live
it up, huh, right, you go elsewhere!DOh - so you are dead, then!
I should have guessed from the fashions.$All right - in you come, brother...?
Rincewind.Brother Rince-Thing!(In you pop!
The meeting's just starting.Hey there, sir! Hey there!What can I cook for you?TWe gots meals for one and all -
fixed price menu, and everything
come with a pickle.What's on the menu?7Oh - mice, sir.
Mostly mice.
Ethnic dwarf cuisine, sir.=I got 'em baked,
I got 'em glazed.
I even got 'em onna stick.*Mice? You mean you're
dishing out rodents?*Not just any old
mice, sir - big fat ones!?Prime squeakers sir.
Good pink noses.
No finer in Ankh-Morpork.What makes you say that?oOperation of the jaw,
tongue and vocal chords, sir.
Then the words just fly out.
Oh, sorry, you meant the food.9Very select rodentia, sir.
And hygenically prepared, sir!#Rodents hygienically prepared? How?0I always wash my hands after touching them, sir.(Fair enough. Can't say fairer than that.OThis may sound a daft question, but don't
you have anything that isn't rodents?Mmmmmm - we do have rocks.Rocks.iYeah - granite, quartz -
some prime cuts of obsidian,
fresh today from the quarry
for my troll customers. Even some candy rock for afters! 43É≥ MI know it's not mice, but -
well, it seemed wise to
spread my clientele, sir.,Go for the troll dollar,
that sort of thing. Trolling for more customers?That's the one!:Candy rock, that's right sir.
It's like toffee for trolls.MWell - very chewy toffee for trolls.
It might have a bit too much mica in it.SThe only problem is that it can make their
teeth fall out. Bad for 'em you see sir.jBut I tell a lie, 'cos we're out of it at the
moment. Someone ate all the wheels off the
delivery vehicle.AHappens about once a week, that does.
Must be our a'la cart menu.A rodent bar. How lovely.SPrime eatin', sir.
Vole-au-vents and rat-tatouille.
Fresh caught at the table, sir.And do you cook them?#Cook? eh? - and ruin the flavour!?!Raw mice au naturelle.6Why is it I have such a
sense of foreboding and dread?3All right then; *gulp*
one extra rare mouse burger.FRight, sir! Hey! - I think I can hear
one of the little squeakers now! There you are sir. Extra rare. New specials, sir!
Today only!6Better book a table early -
it's going to get crowded.DCrowded? How? Do you mean the
demand for rodent burgers has gone up? Oh yes, sir! We're the hottest place in town!&I keep having to turn the crowds away!JFor some reason, rats and mice seem
to be the only thing that die anymore! Well - I think I might know why.é@For some reason people prefer
to eat food that's actually dead -;unless I can interest you in
another rare mouseburger, sir?8Um - I'm not sure... -
I've puked once today already....EBarkeeper? I'll have a pint of Winkles' Extra
Flatulent, my good man!Duuuuh - huh?$Down here! Oi! I said I'll have a...Oi - come back here!Don't you know who I am?^I am Casanunda -
the second-greatest lover who ever lived
and ladder salesman extra-ordinaire!
Come back!And you are...?I am Casanunda!*Ladder salesman and
lover extra-ordinaire!BI don't know if there's anything
particularly ordinary about that.Oooooooh, how we danced!*How we daaaaaanced
through the niiiiiight!5We danced, and we danced,
till our socks were alight.ASo what does the world's second-
greatest lover do with his time?1Oh, I'm always looking for
fresh challenges, sir.fI look at it as my duty to bring
romance and stepladders into the
lives of beautiful women everywhere..So you're the world's
greatest lover, are you?Second greatest, really.]But the way I look at it, if
people think you're number two
then they know you'll try harder.This ladder of yours...HAh! The finest ladder in all the Disc!
The old equaliser, you might say!iIt allows the lover of reduced
altitude the opportunity to kiss
his lady on the cheek instead
of on the--%THAT'S...That's quite enough of that./Now look - I need a ladder.
Can you get me one?>No! I only have one, and I need
it for my romantic adventures.ÇâIntroduce me to a beautiful woman
closer to the ground - a wild woman,
a fair and beauteous flower -
and the ladder shall be yours. I hope it comes wash and wear...'I've found your perfect woman, I think.BOr, to put it more accurately,
I've found your greatest challenge.She's over in the mortuary.You mean she's dead? She doesn't seem to think so. Hey! That's good enough for me!HFind some woman comatose enough to
listen to that lot without screaming?That's a laugh for a start! 43É Duuuuuh what'll it be lady? Greetings to you, my good man!And who might you be?Duuuuuuh who?&You! I'm asking you what your name is.Who - are - you?I'm fine thank you.Amazing, isn't it.(In any other city,
he'd be mayor by now.â,Just tell me what alcohol you have to drink;{and by that, I mean something which neither
eats through the glass bottle, serves
as host to a colony of sentient protozoa,Yor ends me up in any obscure, farcical little
problems with chaos theory and butterflies.+Duuuuh - oh. Dat's all we've got.
Protozoa. They're only little protozoa.Ciliate or non-ciliate?)Duuuuh - I think they're mostly rotifers.GBrilliant. He can't tie his shoes,
but he can classify micro organisms.%There's one for the education system.NAll right - give me one very alcoholic
drink, complete with sentient rotifers.NYew want I should make it look pretty
with a coupla little amoebas on a stick?All right.
Whatever.
*sigh*8And they say the art of
cocktail mixing is long dead....Oh goody. It's you.Duuuuh - shhhhh!FI've got some new parameciums
brewing in the beer.
Don't wake them up!ULook - why is it that you keep
breeding unicellular life forms
inside your beverages.>Where do you get the damned
creatures from in the first place?2Duuuuh the University guys
keep throwin' them out.)I canaye just let the little fellers die!,All right - but where do they get them from?)They scrape them out of the cooking pans.JHmmmm - and people wonder why we seem
to be having so many plagues lately.âQAren't there any complaints from your
customers - you know, outraged relatives...Brampaging in through the doors seeking
revenge for the deceased...that sort of thing?I serve other things too!8Anyone who don't like the booze,
kin have water instead!Water from the River Ankh?Yeah! 's nice an' khool! Want I should cut yew a slice? No no - that won't be necessary.=I'm a young man with his whole life still to live,
thank you. Hum... Nope.iI still can't think of any constructive
reason to stay inside this protozoa
breeding pit a moment longer!Ohhh, Blood blood blood!
I'm sorry?6Nothing. Just trying to get
into the role, that's all.So you're a vampire, then?Indeed.6Child of darkness,
hell brethren -
that sort of thing.(Well it's a job. Someone's got to do it.SSo what do you do? I mean -
I've often wondered just how
a vampire spends its time. Well, I am the night, you see.No. No, not really...Well that's just my point!*How is anybody supposed to
be "the night"?.It's not much of a job
description, now is it?gIt's not as if you're even asked.
Just one night you're walking home
and "whoomph!" - you're a vampire!=Is it that bad, though? I mean -
think of all the advantages! What advantages? You tell me!\Ooooooh - lower food bills...
low cost housing... and black
goes with everything, of course.5Yeah, but it's this whole
"night" thing that gets me!GI never stayed out beyond
eight PM in the old days,
and now look at me!1It's like the black-hole
of Djelibeybi out there!RI keep falling over.
Being undead doesn't mean I've
got eyes like a cat, you know.ǬI mean, I wish I had, but I haven't!
So if I want to do any really good stalking,
I have to carry a lantern - which pretty
much defeats the whole business -
I look silly!2Well - is there some way
other than just stalking?Well, I tried advertising. 43 G"Wanted: victims to be drained of
their lifeblood by a hungry vampire".5You'd be astonished at how
little response there was.Quite.é=And when I thought about it,
the whole business seemed wrong,yso I decided to give up the whole blood
thing a miss and start sucking something else.
So I started up on strawberry jam. Did it work?4Well it tastes better,
but now look what's happened!EShee? I rotted my teef!
Who effer heard of a vampire viff false teef?éqI'd sympathize with you more if I didn't
have this awful foreboding that I'm
going to have to use you later on...1as part of some over-complicated little scheme...RSo this is it -
you're just going to sit in here
and avoid being a vampire at all?BHaven't you got somewhere better
to go to than a seedy little bar?Where should I go?@You ought to see my home, my friend -
a coffin at the graveyard.'You call that comfort? - 'coz I don't!:I'll creep into the crypt at dawn
and not a moment before!You're not a vampire!@I am! Look - I've got the cloak,
I've even got the frilly shirt!2Think I'd be seen wearing
this lot if I was alive?5Look at theeshe!
Thatsh for draining blood, that ish!Yeah! Terrified now, eh?Frozen by my powers!7Hypnotised by the terror
that strikes out of the night?%*Sigh*
Gothic horror is dead at last.!I wonder if anybody will miss it?CA toothless old vampire drinking a
bloody Mary - without much Mary.;Can life or undeath offer any
deeper degradation than this?+If it does, I'm sure
we'll soon find out...Hello.Dead!2Why come in, sir - come in
and decompose yourself!&I'm not dead, I was just being polite.Not even a little bit dead?Not fading away?oNo nagging little cough or unexplained
twinge or tiny touch of fever?
Come now, surely you can make the effort!No.No. No, I suppose not.4All the fun's going out of
this business these days. What is it that you do, exactly?]Well, I issue all the death
certificates - make sure they're
really dead, that sort of thing.2We can't have people being
buried alive, you know!I should certainly say not!Ç¿Yes! There'd be hell to pay at the graveyard.
All the undead would be on me like a shot!
Live bodies in a dead-only area, wrongful
zoning of designated areas - the lot! Very touchy lot, the undead.&What have they got to be snobby about?_Been there a long time, you see.
They're getting very touchy with
this epidemic and everything.ÇëWhen you got yourself a nice grave,
good view, patio and barbecue pit,
well, you get a bit iffy when a lot
of newcomers suddenly turn up.Only to be expected.)Can't you see that this woman isn't dead?0Oh? You think you're
qualified to judge, do you?%But she isn't dead! Just look at her!â!Oh, I see. Look at Mister Expert?"That's your expert opinion, is it?&An expert in being alive then, are we? Well... yes.é *Sigh*
I suppose everyone is.HThat's the problem with this job.
There's no way of gaining any respect.é*Well, at least they're cheap and thorough.UAnytime I feel myself coming over dead,
I think I'll just nip in here for a lie down.1How does one get to be
declared dead around here? Simple, sir!Just lay down on that slab.â7When a cold mirror won't cloud
with your body's breath, and there's no detectable pulse,Bthen we can safely declare the
individual to have 'passed beyond'.*Even if they're still walking and talking?&I've had to relax those criteria, sir.DIn the current situation it pays
to be flexible in your definitions.éAll right - um, look -VI'm feeling a little bit dead,
and so I thought I'd better
just pop along and see you.4Right! A very wise decision,
if I might say so, sir!)Now we'll do a few little standard tests.@Firstly I'll check your breath.
See if it clouds up this mirror. 43 *Okay, now I'll check your arm for a pulse.é2Hmmm, looking good so far sir.
Just one last test.Your body temperature.(No wait. Perhaps we can talk about this.YEEEOOOWWWW!!!éBad news, I'm afraid sir./You still seem to be in
the land of the living.Are you sure?â'Fraid so, sir. I can't really offer any hope..You might go on like this
for years and years..Well - I suppose I'll just have to go on then.éNever mind, sir!)You never know what tomorrow might bring!9Chin up - for all you know,
you might be dead in no time!#Wonderful news sir!
Wonderful news!Yes? Am I dead?:As a doornail sir!
Finally - a satisfied customer at last!ÇÖNow then - here's a death certificate,
which also entitles you to cut price
headstone carving, embalming, and free
drinks at the yearly morticians' ball.4Morticians' ball? Doesn't
sound like much fun to me.é?Oh, you know, sir, once the old
embalming fluid starts flowing.9Of course, it kills you in the end,
but what doesn't, eh?nWell, have a nice death, and please,
don't hesitate to call around again
if there's anything I can do for you! Hello again.é[Look - I'm virtually sure this time;
I've been feeling a little bit
dead most of the night,Dbut I definitely felt myself pop
my clogs a few minutes ago outside.*Would you care to just take a little look?0Aaaaah hello again, sir!
How goes the afterlife?Very well, thank you. Oooooooooh!?That's the way, sir! See?
You caught the hang of it in no time!+Oh, IIIIIIIIII'm in the moooooood for love!(Love is the thing I've been thinking of!éMLove is what is on my mind right now,
and also romance is on my mind as well,tbut mainly love, and let's not fail
to add stuff about bluuuebirds and hearts
and flowers and whiskers on kittens...eBebop be-bebop bo-bo bo do do baiyhh ohh...
Sha-da shad-da Sha-da Shada-lee baiyhhhh...
- Ah, Ah, Ah!-For the last time, go away! I'm just restin'!=Why don't you leave this poor
silver-bearded old woman alone?é@Never! I am Casanunda, the
second greatest lover who ever lived,)and this woman's beauty, she sings to me!iWell at least until my next challenge.
I am now ready for more women.
Hey, I'll take them all on at once.
Oh dear...Right!8Well I'll just leave you to
your hopeless task, shall I?9Still, it seems a shame to
see you wasting yourself on...Wasting?FWell, a man like you shouldn't be
content with second best, should he?NFor instance, I met a few women just
recently - dark, mysterious, energetic...Where? Where? Would you believe Djelibeybi?é0Clearly I am dealing with inferior intellects...#which are hard to find, believe me.Excuse me...?WHAT?/I said "EXCUSE ME"! - Damn - I just want to....Shut up please!TELL HIM TO SHUT UP!8OTHERWISE HE'S GOING TO BE SWIMMING
AROUND IN A JAM JAR! I'M TRYING!WHAT? NEVER MIND!)Thank heaven's that stupid dwarf is gone.:Thank you, young man.
I just can't imagine what he wanted.Now, what can I do for you?;Tell me - elves; are they
in your area of expertise at all?é(Oh, yes. You've come to the right woman.sElves? I wouldn't trust those magic wielding
back-stabbers any further than I
could throw a very large heavy thing!1And the elf Queen is the
worst; glamour, you see.3She can hold a man captive
without uttering a word!*Ah, I see. The evil spell of her eyes, eh?DHmph! Can't say anyone's ever looked
high enough to notice her eyes.GYou can find the entrance to their
world in a stone circle near Lancre.àBut don't walk in!PThey spot anything that hain't unnatural -
anything that aint an elf, a unicorn,Eor an ogre without at least three heads and
a major dental problem --eand they'll have you sucking on your
toes and singing "tra-la-la-lally"
quicker than spit in yer eye!They'll do that, too!kKnowing all about elves as you do -
you wouldn't happen to know what
the elf Queen's pet is, by any chance?-Oh, it'll be a unicorn.
Always is with elves. 43d( UNow your pixie - that'll usually have
a bumble bee, or a stick insect - maybe a frog.=But for your bona fide Elven Queen,
the unicorn is de rigeur.,So um - what can you
tell me about unicorns.Know much about them?BOh, yes. They tend to follow me
around, you know. Can't think why.é;Anyway - the thing to remember
about unicorns, is the horn.#That's its stock in trade, you see.1Get the horn right, and
all the rest will follow.&What are you doing here in the morgue? Practising.SI didn't think it needed much practice.
I thought it just... just sort of happened.`Oh no! You have to work at it.
Good grief, it certainly doesn't
just happen. It needs work, man!é8And you have to practice if
you're going to do it right.ZThere's your technique,
your projection, and then of
course there's control and endurance. Very important, endurance...
Endurance?:But it lasts forever!
That's the point of the whole thing!éWhat - mind projection?fI only ever have the energy to do
it for two or three hours and I'm
pretty damn good, let me tell you!Mind projection?é*Yes. Into ravens and rabbits and suchlike.-Very important witch talent, mind projection.-Why - what did you think I was talking about?1Nothing. Never mind -
just forget I mentioned it.é?My word, I wouldn't like to get on
the wrong side of that lady.&Maybe there isn't even a *right* side.Ooooooooooh! Oooooooooooh!3I call upon the spirits of
ages present, ages past!nOoooooooh! Yes, the winner of the
lottery will have more eyes than noses
and at least one vowel in their name.BWho says we mystic mediums aren't
prepared to stick our necks out?Ergh! Who did that?wIf the ghost who did that doesn't own
up right now you'll all be made to stay
in your own dimension tonight! I mean it!Quite well thank you.Well go on - ask it!QI get a migraine if you don't ask the right
questions once the answers have come! Hello Mrs Cake - how are you?That's better.éIs it? Ooh, I haven't been outside.Hello there!
Nice day!Eh?éWhat?How dare you?Hello there!
Nice day!"Oh damn it, we're back here again!Eh?0Oh, sorry! I forgot to
turn my precognition off.*There we are - that
should be much easier!EI just don't believe the hash
you're making of a simple conversation! How are you managing to do it? Oooooh! Yes, that's what I am.Why? Does it show?;Look - I believe you're fouling
up this whole conversation!!What do you mean,
how do I do it?;She's talking like she already
knows what I'm going to say.Is she a clairvoyant?'Well it's nice to start all over again.BI'm sorry about all that, sometimes
I forget I've left it on, you.%Well now you're just talking rubbish! Order your thoughts, young man! Thank heavens that's all over!(I'm so very sorry about that, young man. I'll forget my own head next.Now - how may I help you? I am too! You're not really a psychic!I will! Prove it!Alright!
Ask them. I know - answer my questions!Blue! 43d6 Describe my favourite colour!A rash!$Describe what I got for my birthday!&Fat, toothless and
covered with sauce!Describe my breakfast!Frilly underwear!;Nope - I just can't remember what
I meant to ask just then.>I do, and you ought to wash out
your mind with soap and water.é2Now why don't you just go
off about your business,Kor I'll tell all the nice audience about
what you keep in your sock drawer.'Where does ectoplasm come from, anyway??Oooooh - you can wring it out of
spirits, if you can catch 'em.,Squish it out of them like wringing laundry!CMight I borrow that genie bottle
you have up on the shelf up there?\I tell you what - you can have
the bottle, but only if you get
me some nice fresh ectoplasm.Eugh, ectoplasm!=What - that stuff that drips down walls?
Sort of ghostly goo?That's the stuff.Nice and slippery!#Won't the wallpaper get all sticky?é.That's what the punters want these days, dear.]They don't think you're a proper psychic unless
there's ectoplasm sloshing all over t' place.éA psychic, eh?Well who'd have thought it?,You did, dear. About three minutes from now.cDo you really get away with all this?
Just pretending to read other
people's thoughts for a living?+Well it's not as if I'm
making money at it.eAsk most people to cross your
palm with silver, and they look at
you like you're some sort of beggar.4The only fringe benefit
these days is the ectoplasm.
Ectoplasm?What do you use that for?Never you mind.1Is there much of a commercial
call for ectoplasm? Gives you pause for thought.#Stapling machine!
Stapling machine! Nooop! Noop!=Wind force five, with light
showers later in the afternoon... Mrs Cake? MRS CAKE!WOooooh - oooh that's much
better, young man - thank you!
Sorry, it's the channelling...ä
Vroooooow!Taka-taka-taka-taka!$Look out - there's one on your tail! Waaaaaaaah!5Oh how those long winter
evenings must just fly by...é^Can't you use your skills to look
into the future and tell me what
I would be doing if...if...,...well if you had given me a good hint now?;I see you riding the crest of
a wave... but you're stuck..._I see numbers, yes numbers of
destruction... heavy mathematics,
that's it, heavy mathematics...iI see you have questions about your life...
Be patient, you're only a few
sandwiches short of a picnic...JI see your problem...
Those that take comedy
in vain should be punished...Greetings, brothers! And sisters!Oh, sorry - and sisters.(Allow me to introduce our newest member.
Rincewind. Rinse Wipe!Rincewind! Wind!+Aaaah, that's just a
touch of gas, brother.Happens to the best of us. Poltergust.What?é&Is... is... is... is he a poltergust?&Wot - him... him being a wind and all.Yeah, probably.gAnyroad, brethren and er, bretherwomen -
let us now all join, in singing our
"Fresh Start Club" anthem.A-one and a-two...xAnkh-Morpork! Ankh-Morpork!
A name that stirs the blood!
Its streets, its towers, its palaces,
Its strangely sticky mud!zLet not some wicked foreigner
Thy noble mud besmirch!
And we will fight with tooth and nails
While we can stand and lurch!4My friends - we don't have to
take death lying down.éHI see a land where the dead will
take their place alongside the living -Ualbeit most of them propped up or sewn back
together, but still - beside the living--äbA place where ghosts can throw off
their chains and help contribute
to a better, more just societyLwhere a man can throw up his head in pride,
then tuck it back under his arm,8raise his right hand if he
can remember where he put it,Jand say - YES, I'M AS DEAD AS HELL,
AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANY MORE! 43îD â(And now I believe our resident Banshee - who has finally found a voice -wishes to witness for us.Brother Banshee?,Uhuh, uhuh, yeah, yeah, uhuh, thank you Reg.CAnd I think that what I mean to say
by 'thank you' is a 'thank us'!MA thank you addressed to all of us,
in that we are all part of the same body.ÇöWell - not exactly the same physical body,
but the same spiritual body - even though
we are all actually inside bodies
which are in fact, spiritual.I think what I'm trying to
encapsulate here is a sense of
'out of body' experience that is
an inner body experience for us all!Right on, brother!0Yes! Yes, exactly!
Right on! Right on... and in!`Seeing as the death within is also
without, and exterior being is
reflecting external processes.-I think what we have here
is very, very real!<And by real, just let me say that
this is also very surreal!éQSurreal, in that we transcend the
essence of the mundane reality to, um, to um...Tto redefine ourselves within the framework
of our own perceptions of our role, yeah?8And by role - I mean, role sounds
like roll, doesn't it??So a motion forwards is implied
in taking on that nomenclature.à,So forward motion is an
inherit part of us -)and as it is of us,
it's also, not of us,but around us,and through us and....and...... had I finished? Possibly.#Anyway, well said,
brother Banshee!Aren't you dead yet?Dead? course I'm dead!7I just can't get going on
any decent sort of afterlife!fHow do you put a stop to a
walking corpse? I mean, it's not as
if there's any helpful er, hint books.é%I've tried me strangling, poisoning -*I even jumped in front of a donkey cart... Oh? How did that one work out.Not too well.vThey're charging me with wilful
traffic obstruction and being walking dead
in a public place without a proper license.Pah! Call that justice?0So you've become a member at the club here then?äOMember? Member! How can I be expected
to be a member when I can't pay any dues!3And I can't pay any dues
because I can't get a job!>I ask you - is this anyway to treat a
walking, talking corpse?MIn my day, we knew how to show respect
to a cadaver in need of a bit of cash!&What - they want to make you pay dues?éIt's all Reg's fault.HHe wants to pre-print coffin lids
with membership details on the inside.(What - and that's going to be expensive?/Well coffin lids don't grow on trees, you know.9Well - not on any trees I've
seen when I'm sober, anyway.,What do you mean, you
can't hold down a job?:I mean, it's not as if you're
rushing off anywhere, is it.6It's not as if you're going
to have any sick days off.1Oh yes! Well you try telling that to an employer!@I mean, the advantages of a dead
employee are obvious to anyone.(No lunch hours - no night shift worries.GI mean, you'd think anyone could see
it's in all of our best interests.4So what happened? Did they
complain about the smell?$No, it's all wossname - bureaucracy.GJust try filling in a tax form when
you're officially dead. You'll see!""Place of Residence?" -
Graveyard!1"Current occupation?" -
Decomposition specialist.2I mean - it's an uphill
struggle from the word go!:No wonder people spend so much
time trying to avoid death.(The paperwork complication are enormous!Poor old Windle!From youth to academic.From academic to the grave.3From the grave - whoomp!
Right onto the dole queue!!That's the welfare state for you.Hello...5You're not - you're not...
frightened of me, are you?No, Why?=Oh. I just don't seem to frighten
anybody anymore these days.Oh - well, sorry... All right - look, I'm scared.Really scared.T...terrified.#Is that making you feel any better? 43R You're not really scared.I am!*Well, why aren't you running around, then?"Ah. Um - because I'm scared stiff.Yes. That's it.mI've been scared into that strange,
lucid state of unreality, and just
don't seem to be able to move my legs.!Rooted to the spot in terror, me.Really?;Gosh, yes. If I was any more
scared my ears would drop off.Trust me on this.-Do you come to a lot
of these meetings, then? Not really..I'm not actually dead,
you see. Just *un*dead.OBut the membership card gives you lots
of lovely discounts at the local stores.âCheap headstones -cut rate coffins -that kind of thing.â/Yes - but if you're not
actually going to die -2I mean, drop dead and
actually require interment -then why do you need them?Um...Well they make great gifts!é`What - 'Happy Birthday - now
here's a headstone in the sincere
hope you find a use for it soon',that sort of thing?Got many friends, have you?3You don't need to answer that
if you don't want to.!I thought we cured you last time! What happened to your old door?0Someone kept putting
letters under the doorstop.SI finally had to give the thing
away or drown beneath a flood
of second class mail.JI think the worst thing was the smell
of all those perfume sample sachets.@They've all got this stuff called
ambergris in them, apparently.éYAfter a few weeks, it all starts going off,
and you're up to your eyeballs in decaying...,Where does ambergris come from, in any case?CI think a whale is sick somewhere,
and it gets turned into perfume.é~Strange but true. And who was
the first man to look at a
pile of whale vomit and think,
"Aw, that'll make a splendid perfume!"Makes you wonder, dunnit?"Humm, the world's shyest Bogeyman.`You know, I'd have been really
intrigued and astonished if this
had been a better kind of day... Hello. So we're undead, are we?%Don't say it with such superior airs!-Ve're the dark children
of the night, ve are!Dark children?@You're pale as... um... as a...
well, you're quite pale, anyway!éWell - he is.,Yours is sort of more...
more talcum powder.*sigh* It's makeup.é0I'm a vampire, and she's
my bride of darkness...;Well - actually, she used to be
the bride of a greengrocer.0That was us - fruit and
vegetable import/export.)And then one night - boom!
I'm a vampire.%Nothing so much as a 'by your leave'.5A quick nip in the neck,
and "you're a vampire, pal!"LSo if you're a vampire, and she's not,
then why is she dressed up like that?1A wife should always
share her husband's hobbies!.Besides, you get to
wear interesting costumes.So why are you two here?/Well, it beats sitting
in the coffin all day...%You just listen to the meeting, dear!?We think it's very important to
raise our undead consciousness.EIt's a disgrace the way dead people
are treated out there these days!^For all the attention the dead get,
you might as well just stick
them in a hole in the ground.Right.3Anyway - we're here to see
what we can do about it.éReg is right, you know!AThere's a dead person inside all
of us, just waiting to come out!?Let me get this straight - you're
both urban vampires, are you?:Dread lords of the night's abyss -
all that sort of thing.That's right!TAnd you also, as I recall, run
a successful grocery business
down in Treacle Street.Used to.*Cor, it was a smashing business, that was.kWe didn't truck with the usual fruit
and veg. We had the direct distributorship
of Klatchian giant peaches.4The only place you could
get them in the whole city! 43╠] Giant peaches?6Yeah - six foot high and
weighing five hundred pounds.Cor they were beautiful...GWho in the name of Offler's teeth
would eat a five hundred pound peach?é Well no one.You hunt them for the fur.sAnyway, once my husband was elevated
to a nobler plane of existence, I decided
the time had come for us to move on.ÇùI mean - when someone is confronted by
the lord of the night, the last thing
he wants is to wake up with two holes
in his neck and smelling of peaches.4The fruit business just had
to go, didn't it, Count? Yes dear.A vampiric greengrocer, eh?AI think I shall never eat a cabbage
ever again as long as I live.
Excuse me!Shush!Shhhh!(Oh - hello! What are you doing in there?2Apart from being a quest
item, I strongly suspect.OBaaaaah! baah! baaaaah! baaah!
Ba! baah baah!
Baaaah!
Baaah! baaaah! baaaaaaah! Well I can see your point there.0Actually, I'd get that
seen to, if I were you.../Why exactly are you
hiding here in this closet? Mmmm-baaaah!Really?Baah Baah baaaaaaah!%Tch tch tch tch tch.
Mmmm - so I see.SWell, I just don't see that
there's much call for undead
sheep in the career world.lI mean - I know you'd like to
expand your boundaries, but I'm just
not sure how I can help you achieve fame.6Tell you what, though, I'll
keep my ear to the ground.Baaaah. Oh no - you're quite welcome.dI was just wondering whether a
career in the clickies might be
just exactly what you're looking for?@Baaaaaah baaaaah.
Baah baah.
Baaah baaah baaah baaah ba-baaaaah!
Oh, I see.aThe local actor's league won't let
you in until you have proof that
your family is from overseas? Bloody cheek of some people!yHmmmmm - I tell you what - I'll
have a look around and see what
I can find to help prove your
case for sheep in the arts.PI'll get some evidence that proves that
your ancestors came from distant climes.éHere you are.=Some evidence that your ancestors
came from the land of XXXX. Now you can be a stunt sheep! Baaaaaah baaaaah.
Baah baah.No no. Don't thank me.!So! hiding out in the closet, eh?0What the matter - are you taking it on the lamm?RTaking it on the lamb!
You get it?
(*The sheep firmly slams the closet door shut).Um, skeleton in the closet?A black sheep?8Nope - I don't think I'll
press any further on this one.%Oooooooh Chucky Chucky Chucky Chucky!'Boo! Aaaaaah ha ha ha ha Chucky Chucky! Gottle of geer!
Gottle of geer!Great gods! You two again! Ooooooh Chucky Chucky Chucky!But you're dead!)You've quit life's stage!
You're resting!/Chucky wants to be the
ghost of all jokes past.1Being dead is grand.
Look - we even gets flowers!Ooooh Chucky Chucky Chucky![Why is it everyone else toddles
off to heaven or hell, and you
two get to hang around here?'Chucky Chucky Chucky-Chuck-Chuck-Chuck! I'm stuck, stuck, stuck, stucky!You can't leave?9I mean, you're dead but not
gone before? You're haunting??No, Death hasn't come for us yet.
Left us floating here he did.4Chucky can't leave the Guild
hall stones and mortar.Not even for s'yours! 43∞h S'yours? What's s'yours?2Oh, a pint of lager and
the ghost of old jokes. Now look! Knock knock! Who's there?Cohen!
Cohen who?Cohen answer the door!7Oh Chucky Chucky Chucky Chuck-
Chuck-Chuck-Chuck-Chuck.]Oh, no.. If we had to have a
character from the past, what
happened to that nice Amazon lady?LMaybe I can throw his haunted rocks
into the middle of a sewer or something.!Let's see him laugh that one off!Now pay attention!Attention - yes.CYou said that you have to haunt
the stones and mortar of the Guild. Guild - yes.3Well is there any reason why
you have to stay here?>I mean - if the stones are moved,
then you can move with them.ZYou could just hop into one
of the rocks, and I could take
you somewhere more interesting.Interesting - yes.Are you listening to me?(No. Ooooooh Chucky Chucky Chucky Chucky! Just get into the damned stone! Oooooh Chucky Chucky Chucky! Mmmmmmph!Call this death, do you?BIn my day, people knew how to die properly!
Tunnels, white lights!$Booming voices, the choir invisible!NRight! That is it - if a job's worth doing,
then it's worth doing yourself in.Hoik!Nice day for it?
Drop dead!;Aaaaaaar! Yoiks, aye, avast there matey-o!
Ha, ha, harrrrr!ÇôOh, t'is a fair sharp hub-wind as blows past
the skudding sails, or else there ain't
no heave ho in the sea-biscuit, me blighty-oh!
Huurro, harrra!
I'm sorry?7Oh - I'm sorry about that -
I though you were a sailor.A sailor?
Why's that?7It's the jolly cut of your
nautical bell-bottomed robe.^Me? I get sick on a wet pavement!
I can't even tell the difference
between port and starboard!*Oh, I wouldn't know, I've only drunk port.HAll salty sea phrases aside -
do you actually sail anywhere interesting?Oh aye lad! aye!é(We go to the sunny continent of "XXXX" -Lsun, surf, sand, sun, surf... prawns,
sand, sun, more surf, lots more sun...<...and rather persistent jokes
about sheep, for some reason.5Yes, well let's forget about
the sheep jokes for now.I wish I could. Believe me.Good grief...)Look, Can I get passage aboard your ship?pCan't be done, my old want-to-be shipmate.
I'm only taking the living dead this trip.
Special civic arrangement.ÇäArrrrr, but be a good lad and sit on Uncle
Bushbeard's knee, and I'll tell 'e many a tale
of the rolling sheep-- damn! I meant deep!No no - that's all right.BYou just go off somewhere and have
a nice long drink of starboard. Nope. I'm stumped on this one.+Hmmmm - a ship to far off foreign climes...6That's what I need - but how
on earth to get on board?Aaaaar! Yo ho ho me matey!&Shiver your timber!
Avast improvement!
Stop that!+Oh please! It's genuine nautical gibberish. No. I've told you about that.SI'm only doing business with you if you
stop all that ridiculous Yo Ho Ho business.It's... demeaning. 43Éu But it's establishing character!+No, it's establishing that you are a loony.\This is supposed to be a sea voyage,
not Captain Seadog's Little Shipmates
Holiday Fun Club.tLook - if we're going to sea, then we
ought to establish ourselves as acceptable
stereotypes of seagoing characters.It all stands to reason!MNow you can't hold me responsible for
the paradigms which grip our customers.uThey expect this sort of thing - they
don't think you're real without all that
'AVAST THE MAINBRACE - ARRR' business.AWord of mouth advertising can
make or break a business like mine!Word of mouth!?!They're dead!Oh... oh, all right!5Just bring 'em onboard
and we'll forget all about it.ǽArrrrr! so, errr, Timbers, Arrrrr! Shiver,
Arrrr, errr, Hoist, Hoist, hurum, herr,
Oh Locker, Davy... herrr, herrr,
Oh Wooden, Wooden oh, errrr,
Main..... Stop it, stop itWhat?+Nothing! Just, hurump, clearing me throat!'There's something very odd about you...)As I were a walkin' down Paradise Street,!singing hey-ho blow the man down,1A saucy young cuttlefish
I chanced there to meet!-Oh give me some time to blow the sheep up...
Damn!7I say - any chance of a cup of tea,
my nautical hearty? Arrrrrrr!JIt's the ghost of Captain Lavender Beard,
back from Davey Jones' Bathroom!6Run fer yer lives - women and
fearless sea dogs first!QYou know, I seem to meet more
crazy people than sheer
coincidence should allow...%Anyway looks like I'm in control now.Popcorn!Do-it yerself popcorn!äJust add heat - and butter -and maybe a frying pan...@also serves as catapult ammunition
or excellent fishing sinkers!*Come and get it while it's still in stock!Only one previous owner!OI'm letting it go for less
than marked price, and that's
cuttin' me own throat! Popcorn!...#Is this all your life has to offer??I thought you might have...
well, you know -
improved yourself.Reached for higher goals! I'm reachin', gov!
I'm reaching!)Matter of fact - I'm going into clickies!Oh no...5Don't knock me back until
you've seen the goods, sir!MSmashing stuff - fine popping grains
lovingly swept from the warehouse floor!8Why's it got little rat's hairs
mixed up all through it?(Ah... Just keeping the grains warm, sir!+An added extra, and -
no additional charge./Oh, all right then.
Anything to keep you quiet.CWhat are you doing here, apart that
is from being a disease vector?GScouting, mate! Here incognito looking
for the next great clickie star!'Heard about clickies? The latest thing!=Just think, mate - a fortune
could be just around the corner.tAll it takes is my know-how,
the right actors,
and a few dozen obscure objects
from ludicrously scattered locations.?Ha! And just how would you
go about collecting all these items?BOh dear oh dear oh dear.
I can't imagine,
can you, boys and girls?,Clickies.
Just what Ankh-Morpork needed, eh?Exactly!;Yes. For you 'irony' means
'sort of like iron', doesn't it.*Sigh*WSo we're into clickies now, are we?
At last the monkey has found
the banana plantation?Yep - movin' pictures.Here - have a read of this!.Clickies! Aaaah - now
there's romance for you.é Hot dogs,
popcorn,
drink stands,4the merry rumble of candy
rolling down the aisles...And the shows.,Don't forget the actual clickies themselves! 43tÇ What? Oh!-Oh yeah, I mean, the
shows go without saying!NChocolate dipped ice-cream,
novelty drinking cups,
collectable lobby cards....I don't believe this!YYou mean to tell me that art has
to take a second place to cheap
licensing and marketing?6Well I can tell you that I'm
above that sort of thing!FCatch me being involved in some
damned licensing scam? Ha! Fat chance.Ç║The last thing I'd ever do is allow
myself to become involved in a shabby
marketing ploy designed to used a famous
name to sell a product which is in
itself utterly devoid of any real... Um - Right!0Well good luck with the
career, and I'll be off!MDid we mention the range of pewter
figurines and exciting T-shirts this time?Shhhhh!gI suppose if I ever need a devious,
slimy, utterly shameless clickie
director, I'll know where to come.*Gosh - now that HAS to be a nested hint...Boop-boopie doop!Boop boop bee doo?]Boo-boo de-boop boo-boo de-boop bo-do-be-doo,
Be-boo de-boo be-boo-de-boo...,Oh, no - I just don't think this is working.UOh a bar-barienne
can be eaten up... by ermines
Deep sea divers always
get the bends.QBut none of these things
are gonna help determin'
Why diamonds are a... girl's... Um...Best...Best....
Uh...%Best choice for long term investment? Damn! I always miss that line!5By the great beard of someone
unusually well-bearded!What happened to you? I thought you were a milkmaid!5I was a dairy products distribution
agent, thank you!)All that's behind me now.
I'm a thespian.
I'm sorry? An actress!A star of stage and screen.=I'm starring in a new clickie
called "Trolls Prefer Blondes"!%Oh? And why do trolls prefer blondes? Well apparently I'm a... a..,Damn, what's that word for generic pop idol.An icon?No, icons grow on trees!Those are acorns!"Really? I'm sure it wasn't acorns.4Oh well then - maybe it was
coconuts or melons then?+I'm sure I heard it
mentioned somewhere....&I think I'm beginning to get the idea.&Anyway - I'm now a famous pop coconut.It's ever so exciting!What a lovely dress.&Very, very glittery,
wouldn't you say?-Not that I'm hinting
about clues or anything.2Glitter's what all this
clickie business is about.&So you're a clickie star now, are you?Yes! Isn't it fun!BThey said my assets and experience
perfectly suited me to the job.'Experience! you were a bloody milkmaid!So?OI fail to see what milk production has
to do with qualities of screen charisma! Ah - well, forget I said that.(Cor! Yet another empty headed character.Nice glittery dress though.SQUEAL! My mistake! I'm terribly sorry.sI've no idea how I managed to
accidentally hook these bellows
up to this grate and furiously
pump them up and down.Miss? Um - are you alright?Should I stop now? 434Ä %No no! Keep it going a little longer.,My agent always said I needed more exposure.A clickie, you say?=Something to make a legendary
figure more personally popular?^That's a challenge and a half,
that is - but nothing modern
marketing techniques can't handle.!You just leave it to old Dibbler!+All right, but I want it to have integrity!Just make it.... nice. Nice? Of course it'll be nice.]I tell you what - I'll splice
you in for half the take - but mind,
I'm cutting me own throat!-Now, tell me what talent
you've got lined up!5This "lead" of yours -
nice... upper balcony has she?Um - no.!Oh. Well - a skinny one then, eh?Long and lean, eh? Cor!Well, quite lean, yes....I've got it then!I've got the angle.â0Works as a shipwright by
day over at the docks -?sweat sweat sweat, wood shavings
and torn, tight little shirt -7and then - dances in an exotic
nightclub every evening!9We clap a soundtrack on it,
and we've got a hit for sure!)A shipwright who dances in a topless bar?,What the hell do you take our audiences for?%For about three groat a ticket - why?$What's wrong? The formula's perfect.XI'm just not so sure my principal
lead is going to make a very
convincing exotic dancer! I mean - sex-wise and all...You mean they're a man?Well I suppose he's a man.It's hard to tell, really.*You have to look at
the pelvis, don't you?CThey keep you wizards indoors
too long - that's your problem, mate.ZLook - I tell you what;
we can sell anything, just as
long as we have the right marketing.6You know the product, so
I'll leave all that with you.tWe need three things to make this a success.
You've been waiting for this bit,
haven't you, just *waiting* for it...JFirst and foremost, a gorgeous babe -
that's just pro-forma for the press.MNext, you need a really catchy jingle -
a song we can clap into a soundtrack.VFinally, we need the gimmicks -
the novelty merchandise that
actually creams the cake.?Get me those three things,
and I'll have a film out in no time!/Collect a babe,
a jingle and
some novelties....8I don't suppose you'd consider
collecting them yourself?ÇÖNo mate! What sort of fool would waste
his valuable leisure time voluntarily
going off on annoying little quests set
by stupid and ungrateful people, eh??Ha Ha Ha. Yes. He'd have to be
some sort of idiot, wouldn't he?+Oh well - see you in a little while then...é(Hah, Take Axe,
Open Door,
Kill Dragon...1Why wasn't I born in the
days of text adventures?oWell welcome to our audience, and
welcome to DEATH, the latest star to
rise and shine in the land of Holy Wood!:DEATH - how do you feel about
your up and coming premiere?I DON'T FEEL. I AM DEATH.LWhat he means is that he's confident
that the product will speak for itself!éBThat we've got something really
astounding, really new, really....
really....WHAT??Look - just try to appear less
skeletal or something, will you?fYes, well perhaps you might explain to
us just why you feel DEATH is the
sex symbol for today's world?TWell, Trish, we've always known that the
height of style is pure, elegant restraint.PAnd of course, when it comes to wearing
black, he's always been the trendsetter.Fabulous, fantastic4Well, that's it from outside
the Odium here tonight!TThis is Trish Looksgood inviting one and
all to join me here tonight and get reaped!SQUEAK! Oh shut up!'It seemed like a good idea at the time!FHow was I to know the spectre of death
was going to become a pop icon?1Now he says he doesn't
want his old day job back!SQUEAK SQUEAK!Now he's a style setter! 43╚¢ äYNow millions of girls are cramming themselves
into undersized, tight black lace costumes,4with lots of black lace,
all dying their hair black,Nwearing black lace and black nail polish
and deep plum lipstick and black lace,and being pale and
very, very interesting...(*Sigh* God, I hate wearing this dress...SQUEAK SQUEAK!$What do you mean, it's all my fault?SQUEAK!=Well of course I saw the game's
opening credits! I was there!SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK.1Well no, I don't think
that's a good idea at all.!No - it's just not my cup of tea!-SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK,
SQUEAKA SQUEAKA SQUEAK! You mean I have to become DEATH?4Hmm. Well, I suppose it'll
help me make new friends.What was that? Nothing dear.
Nothing at all.=Hey there your Highness!
And aren't you a pretty little girl!=I'm not a little girl,
I'm a powerful and dignified magician.+Why are you dressed up
as a princess, then?I most certainly am not!BYou've got a tall pointy hat.
All princess' have tall pointy hats!Look, it's not... And a dress!=A tall pointy hat and a dress -
that's a princess in my book!-So how do you explain
the beard then, eh? Eh?qI thought that was just probably your
peasant blood, dear. A lot of men find
a bit of hair sultry and attractive.I wish a lot of women did..Look - all joking apart,
what are you selling?5Well, your Highness -
this here is an adventure shop.â]It has all the marvellous things
people need when they decide that
their main calling in life`is to find a hole in the ground,
collect some friends, and then
go delving into the underground,Yarmed only with swords, rope,
ten-foot-poles, halberds, six
torches and a flask of oil...Good gracious!0And is there actually much
of a demand for this?7Noooo! - it's all collectible
trading cards these days."Dim-wick, the Smothering".+It's taken all the fun
out of the business.'I can't even shift magic items anymore. Magic items?GWhat - elven cloaks, magic swords,
boots of speed - that kind of thing?That's the stuff.1We don't really stock
the boots any more, though.QWe did have boots of domination -
but a female barbarian
already bought up those.WAnyway - do have a browse,
your Highness, and let me know
if there's anything you want.Candles! You do candles?.Yes, your royal Highness!
I make them by hand.ZWell - I would make 'em by hand,
but everyone just uses continual
light spells these days.%I don't really stock candles anymore.2Those are just display models
made out of plaster.1But you could make me
some if you had the chance?Oh yes, love!.I just need you to bring
me the raw materials.6Now your grade A candle,
that's made from dead whales.cWe used to use their nasal hairs,
but these days a true, pure-white
candle is made from spermaceti.Where does that come from?I've never dared ask, love.'Anyway, the next best thing is beeswax.Beeswax - right.:We used to have a lovely
bee-milking parlour out the back!:The bees insisted it was the
only way to get the job done.ÇöEvery evening we'd round up the bees
and settle them down in little chairs,
give them all a newspaper and let them
wax away to their hearts content.fThen someone pointed out that all we
had to do was open up the hive and
scoop out all the wax we want.3The little buzzers had
been having us on all along!$You just can't trust a bee, can you!3That's just what I always say,
your royal Highness. Oh stop it!II really can't see that this shop
serves any valid social purpose at all.-It all seems like a
total waste of resources. 43|º )Well that's nice,
coming from a princess!-Look - for the last time!
I am not a princessOkay, your Highness.KWell here we are, fresh beeswax.
Could you please make me some
candles now?Certainly dear.&There we are - candles,
your Highness!+Oh - well they're -
they're very er. neat./Can't you make them more...
well, more dribbly?,Oh, so its for sinister
arcane magics, then?LFoul, mind twisting blasphemies from
beyond the outermost edge of nightmare?Um. Well yes - a bit.'Oooooh well you should have said, dear!'No, bees' wax isn't suitable for those.vYou're either going to have
to go out there and hunt down
a whale and...and...and...do
whatever you have to do, or....Or what?WWell, you could get the bees to
make the special poor dribbly
wax by making them sweat.OYou've got to encourage the
bees to drink a lot. Are
you making a note of this?SHere's some nice sweaty and
dribbly beeswax. Could you
make me some candles please?Certainly my dear.ÇëThere we are - dribbly candles, just
suitable for consorting with loathsome
horrors from beyond the shrieking
nightmares of mortal man...'Here, what you planning, your Highness?IYou're not trying to put one across on
your husband or something, I hope?.Look, I keep telling you,
I am not a princess!BAnd I am not engaged in...
in summoning evil entities from beyond.\We've got plenty of demons running around the
University in any case. Mostly they study law.Law? Why law? It's the wizards' fault, really.>Everyone keeps saying that they
want a demon to do their will.7Hmm, too much set up and not
enough joke there, I feel.$Excuse me - I think I have to leave.That looks nice.Can I have it then?
Certainly!What - no mumbo jumbo?>No sudden insistence that I go on a
special quest or anything?<What, me? Order a princess about?
Whatever are you thinking! Just what I've always wanted.#I don't suppose I can have it then?)Why not? It's yours!
You only had to ask.That looks interesting. Could I possibly have it then?
Certainly!That looks nice.Can I have it then?!Certainly not! It's not for sale.Hello again, young lady!mFeeling any urges to gird your loins,
put on a chain-mail bikini and hack
the heads off a few dozen monsters?"No. My loins aren't easily girded.JShame. When I was a lass, we never
thought twice about having a good gird. So business is a bit slow then? Yes and no.9I've been doing a good business
in those dribbly candles.?You can get hours of fun watching
a candle make a good dribble.Really?1Oh yes. Will it go this way?
Will it go that way?DWill it build up to a proper drip
or just run onto the tablecloth...$Oh, it's gripping,
watching candles.7I don't think I'd be able to stand all that
excitement.`You know - looking through this shop,
makes me think of all the things
my life has been missing:"The chill breath of dungeon air... the clink of looted treasure...&the rippling of torches in the wind...Wstaggering home drunk with
bloodlust after receiving a good,
hard, sucking chest wound.*sigh* 43@▓ Aaaaah for a simpler life!Oooooh!Yes, very nice! Yes, yes.Naaaaah! I don't like it!Oooooh, no - it's awful!2You know what that needs?
It needs a good gelding! Quite right!.Whip 'em off, and we'll
soon see a difference.Yes, yes, yes, yes.*Time was they'd only let real men in here!*They'll let any old rubbish in these days!Yes, yes, yes, aye, yes.,Iiiiiiiim in the moooood for frogs! ah yeah!+Frogs are the things I've been thinking of!pBut they're so small and green
And they reign supreme
In this crazy Casanunda's house of love...
Oh! Oh! Oooooh!Oooooh, much better!Yes yes!Oooooh - I like this one!(Quite right! Plenty
enough to go around!How do you cook it?Sage and onions!Sage and onions? In the middle of the desert?3Oh - Turmeric, rosewater
and onions then - come on!Yes, yes, yes, yes, aye.rOooooooh witness the all powerful
mystic-type skills of what would be the
Far East if that direction existed here!gWatch now as Uri Djeller manipulates
the metal objects with the modern
powers of his magnificent brain. Strain! Straaaain! Straaaaiiiin! Oh - the end has fallen off...(Greetings, little fakir of the pharaohs!Greetings, my good man!BHere - see now revealed before you
the wonders of the fakir's art!Flasheee! Blam! Sploonge!'Yes ... I don't think I quite follow... Do you dare to doubt my powers?RAha! now I shall strike the infidel with
my magnificent straightening-type powers! Straaaaain! Straiiin! Strainey!Feel anything yet?8Well my back's stopped hurting,
if that's what you mean.*See! see the awesome might of Uri Djeller! All right - So what do you do?ÇèUri Djeller uses the power of
mind to restart hourglasses, and
to bend and unbend the metal things,
and to find out tomorrow's news TODAY!So does it work?LUm... Uri also has a special skill
at putting things on top of other things!How lovely for you.^Look, you being a mystic and all
you wouldn't happen to know
anything about jingles would you?$Uri Djeller knows all about jingles.1You bring Uri bells and
he will make them jingle.%You want big jingle or little jingle?8You'll be hearing bells soon if
you don't pay attention.uI mean jingle as in short catchy song,
some meaningless little tune that goes
around and around in your head all day.Ahhh. Now Uri understands.'You mean like philosophy,
but to music.Yes. That's the one. Yes Uri knows of philosopher.#He in desert.
Uri try and remember. Straaaaain! straiiin! Strainey! Uri pleased to be of assistance.7All right - what about these
other mystic powers, then?6We have the fabulous pyramid
powers of time and space!ÇçWe have the mystic men sitting
in deserts, and we have cut-rate
camels, although they're not quite
so mystic, but they can't half spit!Oh really. Is that all?You want more? 43╕┐ ÇèThen we have the fountain of youth!
Yes, indeed! You can get a second
childhood without all the dribbling
and unfortunate bad-type smells. Now that sounds more like it!Where might I find that? Oooooh, errrr... I've forgotten.CWhen they call your people 'fakers'
they're not joking, are they...â@How dare you cast aspersions
on my mighty powers of um... err...7err, what's it called - it was
on the tip of my tongue,(mind's gone blank...
oh, right...memory!CThere is a prospector what comes
through here every now and again..1He goes everywhere!
He been around for centuries!>You ask him if he's ever seen
a greater sage than Uri Djeller!A mystic, eh?:Mock not the powers that your
tiny mind cannot understand!/Watch now as you face
the wrath of Uri Djeller!!Straiin!
Straaaiiin!
Straaaaaain!&So much for the mystics of the desert.qA mad spoon-straightener,
a flock of hooting Biddies,
and some tall stone pointy things
that you can't even wear.,I say - can you maybe do me a little favour?4I have some things here
that need straightening out.No problems, my good man! Strain! Straaaaiiin! Straiin!"Uh - my nose has started to bleed!KNow look at what you've made me do!
All down the front of dad's good shirt!XHere, little spotted sage -
cast your eyes on this and tell
me what you can do about it. Ooooh ta!+Looks hard at hourglass - hears no ticking.wAfter a long and hard examination of
this timepiece, I can now give you the
heady-type words of the desert herbal sage!Yes?+It is an hourglass for
the keeping of time!I know what it is!,I want to know how to
fill it back up again!*Then I shall work my
magic powers of mind!#Straiiiin!
Straiiiiin!
Straiiiiiin!3Oooh! I've gone all giddy!
I do not like this game!'Are you going to fix this thing or not?&Why do you keep bothering me about it!7Go fill it at the fountain
of youth if you're so smart.Popping hummus?9Genuine popping hummus -
take it home and do it yourself!WI'll let it go at half price,
even though I'm cutting my own hand off!
Off, Off, Off...Or relics?
Relics, offendi?$Brand new relics,
only half a dinar! New relics? How can you have 'new' relics?,Through the magic of
pyramid power, offendi!écThrough the effects of time distortion,
we now can bring you all the
prestige of ancient artifacts,Kwithout the annoyance of having broken
old rubbish cluttering up the house. Greetings, oh pointy-hatted one!IAre you perhaps interested in owning
a very perfect and beautiful bridge?FTen thousand dinars - and I'm cutting
my own faruk at twice the price! A bridge? In the middle of the desert?\If the need should ever come,
offendi, you will be just that
much further ahead of the rush!I don't believe this!-So what's all this about
pyramid power, then?WAaaaah my esteemed dress-bedecked one -
the pyramids are mystic centres of great power..Within them, time is
slowed, or time is sped -Cand they also sharpen hamburger
and keep razor blades fresh! Ah Ha!$Four functions for the price of one!!Yours for a desert song, offendi.7A thousand dinar, and Hey!
I'm cutting my own hand off!*No thank you - I'm
trying to give them up.I so love foreign travel.éWIt lets you see that all the foreigners
are just like the people you've left at home --/a bunch of self-obsessed, ungrateful layabouts.?Oh well - it seems I now know how
to see a man about a pyramid.!It should come in handy someday -NIt'd be terrible, needing a pyramid
in a hurry and finding all the shops shut. 43▄╔ Stone, sir? You what? Stone sir?
at the back of the crowd.7I'm sorry - I seem to have
this awful sense of deja vu.IShould I mention the fact that
women aren't allowed at the stonings, sir?5It's amazing -- I think I've had
this deja vu before.;You know there's something familiar
about this whole scene.é5And you, there's something
familiar about your voice.VYeah, yeah, yeah - the graphics may
have changed but the voice is definitely
the same.*I don't know what you're referring to sir. Now can I interest you in rocks?(No no. Not just at
the moment thank you.+You're a rather rock-loving sort of fellow.Do you have any candy rock?2What, like trolls eat and
lose all their teeth on?%Yep - there's a slab of it just here.It's terrifically popular.<Well, you can throw it at someone
and no one gets hurt, see?éGood stuff for stonings -BI mean, you get to stone the
victim all over again on another day!éSo this candy rock...can I have it, then?Oh certainly!*I mean - why bother even paying any money! I'm just glad to be of help!Oooooh lovely! That'll do!Yes, yes, yes....4Sorry about that, sir -
it's just supply and demand.&Maybe you should try the next stoning?(It should only be in a full moon or two.8Someone's sure to have done
something stoneable by then. I can't wait for two full moons!I'm on a timetable, I am!What am I going to do now?ÇáHave you ever considered, sir, engaging in
a long and almost pointless quest to
achieve the same results we almost had
squared away a mere few seconds ago, sir?3Do I look the sort of... person...
who'd... go....
I do, don't I. I really do.
Stone him! Yes yes yes! On the head!Ooooooh!Get 'em! Get 'em!3Oh dear - that deja vu
headache is coming on again.%Ah well - it's what the punters want.4Still, at least they know
what's supposed to happen.0Um - yadda yadda yadda yadda...
ah, here we are!c"In that she did take comedy in vain,
is hereby sentenced to be stoned
by soft chewy rock candy..."What?Taken comedy in vain?How? Oooooooh - it doesn't matter!It does! Define your terms,
you fascist! Well it's for lame comedy, then! Stuff that's lifeless, dull.ÇÄThe sort of rubbish you get when
you lamely parrot off other people's
material instead of coming up with
something worthwhile all of your own!Ouch!
Stop that!But you were parroting!é#I am not parroting!
I am parodying.Par-rod-de-ing.éCompletely different!1Parodying. Remember that.
Then we don't get sued.
Oh dear...Stop it! Stop it! 43|╥ Now who threw that? Was it you?Yes.Well?Well she was parroting!Stop it! Stop it!%Right - no one is
to stone anybody... Until you've blown this whistle!We've seen it!That's parroting!Stone him! Stone him!3Not me! No - I'm not the
one who wanted this stuff!They made me do it!Aaaaaaaaaargh!9I say - shall we call this one
the dead parroting sketch? Watch it!Gerbils, oh wise one?3Prime racing gerbils,
rented to you at lowest cost!Gerbils?Those look like camels!No no no, no, offendi!,These are gerbils -
desert dwelling rodents.Very fine, very cheap!2Look - I'm telling you that
these are not gerbils!%Do these gerbils of yours eat cheese?Run about in little wheels?.Make nests out of old
tissues and cotton wool? No, offendi.9So what makes you think that
these creatures are gerbils? They burrow.Really? All of them?Yes!
Well - no. Ah... err... not all of them.Well...none, really.PRight! Well I might be interested in
renting one of the non burrowing ones then.-Indeed, indeed - Please feel free to browse.7Right - let us for now
establish that these are camels.9This being so - how much to
rent one for a brief journey.Five dinar, offendi!Hmmmm - and to buy?Five dinar offendi!(Why are they the same to rent as to buy?TI cannot stand the noise they make as they
sit in their wood shavings eating cheese.&Now look! I thought we had settled...!!Oh - all right!
Five dinar, then!HBut only if you invest some of it
in professional psychiatric treatment!Squeak. Camels, eh?)Where? Where? Where?
Where, where, where?It's the heat, you know.1It does things to a man's.... um... to a man's...Squeak?4Is there much call for
your line of work here, then?No, not really.ZIt's all pyramids these days -
and there's not much work you
need to actually design them.(Mmmm - they look
pretty complex, though.*I mean - you have to
get the points sharp.=Well, yes - but the mathematics
was worked out millennia ago.XMy only real task these days is
trying to fit the client's budget
into the calculations. Still - I've had a few ideas.VPyramid-ettes,
multi-user pyramid arcology
complexes, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.... Why are pyramids so popular?$Well it's all just a matter of time. 43£▀ Time?Yes - well, a lack of time.RYou see, pyramids alter the flow of time -
slow it up, or sometimes accelerate it.â`So what people want is for me to
make a pyramid where time slows
almost to a stop at the middle;Uthen when they feel themselves beginning to
croak, they can bung themselves in there,]and hopefully in a millennia or
two, someone will have figured
out a cure for what ails them.:And does anyone ever figure
out a cure for what ails them?No, of course not.&They're all to busy building pyramids.*Sigh*PI have a terrific design here
for a reverse pyramid -
one for accelerating time.pIt's great - I can age wine in a second,
but do you think I can get the funds
or equipment to build it? Bah! no!nIt's always
"design a maze to protect the king of kings" this
or "raise a monument to the king of kings" that.&Call that a profession - 'coz I don't!{I don't know - it seems needlessly
cruel to make fun of someone whose entire
life consists of playing with gigantic blocks.LJust think - I know where to come if
ever I want to change the flow of time.aI wish I could skip past this next
few hours of game play and see
how the end credits turned out.(What on Disc are you lot doing up there?#Nothing much - just hanging around.é+Um - if it's not an
embarrassing question - Why did they tie you up there?
Publicity.
Publicity!2They've got you up there
tied to an old dead tree!1Well it was either this
or do adverts for coffee..In which case, I suppose
I can see your point.?Say - Have you ever considered
using your talents commercially?éJOh yes! I mean - I could rent myself
out for scaring crows off the crops -0liven up childrens' parties,
that sort of thing. No no - I mean your singing.-Would you consider doing
some singing for me?What?%Oh - well I suppose it could be done.NTell you what - prise us down from here,
and we'll see what we can do for you. So why? Why were you tied up?#Well - it's got tons of advantages!Such as?ZA bit of sunshine - a bit of conversation...
birdwatching of your buzzards and vultures....Don't they get frightened
when people pass by?6No...they carrion regardless.
Carrion... Good one, eh?Aaaaah - the middle ages.Picturesque, isn't it? But nooooow,
The end is near!!And so I face,
the final curtain! My bones - I've lost one or two.$I'm not alive - of that I'm certain!Sorry to disturb you...6Ba-ba-ba ba-boom-
Ba-boom-boom boom-
Ba-ba-ba ba-boom!,Ba bo-bo-bo-boom
Ba bo-bo-bo-boom
Boom boom.6Ba bo-bo-bo-boom
Ba bo-bo-bo-boom boom booooooooom....JEverybody kills somebody sometimes.
There's no telling when or who or how.CSomething in your knife just told me
that sometime is now... eurgh!Ohhh! Angus? Angus?Angus where are...Oh! There you are.,Oh,aaaah - you look better every day, Angus!oWhat with the sun and the sand and
exclusive diet of mushrooms... I'd go
quite mad if it wasn't for you, Angus!CNo!... no-no-no-no-no-no-no!
... you can't play a king on a seven! You cheatin' little... gittoff!(How many cards do you have there anyway?<Ah, a holy madman on a wheel.
He must be sage of the desert.-He'd be in real trouble
if I had some onions.Hello there up the pole!*Angus! Angus!
There's someone at the pole!NWhat? Well, put it down right now!
You can give yourself a disease like that--
Aaaaaargh!,Oh! there's a pyramid walking about on legs!%Look - I don't want to be any bother. 43P∞ II'm just wondering why you're up the
pole, not to mention round the bend.
Hermiting!+It's all the rage in
these parts, you know.*You can't be wise
unless you're hermiting.FAngus - we have guests!
Put out another sucking
pig mirage for dinner!WNo no, that won't be necessary.
I'll be fleeing in terror in
about three minute's time.ESo you're...
you're good then, are you?
I mean, you know, wise- wise?7Wise? If I was any wiser, I'd
be a leopard skin bikini!That wise, eh?GAha! I'm so wise, that I will now
provide you with your heart's desire.:A jingle written for your sinful
modern-type clickie film!%Yes - yes yes yes yes - no Angus, no!"No - not now, thank you, I'm busy!bBaste it for twelve minutes - twelve!
Fool, fool, fool and fool again!
How can you never remember?uNyah-ha! There! Here's a jingle written expressly
for your clickie project to promote Death.
Whoa, promote the death!LWhat - you've written it for me now -
just like that? No quests or anything?*Wonderful! Thank you!
Thank you very much!3You, you , you're... you're...
you're most welcome.So can I have it?No.NAh. I might have known. There's going
to be a quest after all, isn't there....Not for me - but for Angus!Ç├He says he's sick and tired of being woken up
Right!Good! Well - here I go.tGood old Rincewind has nothing better to
do than trudge all over the Disc fetching
one bloody thing after another...Right - now where were we?Oh yes - dealer takes two.Um.... Hello?)Angus! Angus no!
Put down that metal hen!!On second thoughts... never mind.5What are you standing there for?
Go and find out why?yWe've got a schedule to maintain, you know.
... or is that a schedule? Ah-ha!
It's nearly time for me not to have a bath.So this friend of yours. Who - Angus?Angus! It's for you!8If you want Angus, you should
have rung the second bell. It's clearly marked on the door.&No! Look - I'm not here to talk to ...LOh, don't keep Angus waiting!
He's a busy man.
Biz, biz, biz, biz bizzy man!4If it wasn't for him I
think I'd go insa-a-a-a-a-ne.éWell, I tell you what -Cyou just let him get on, and I'll
come back later at a better time.#Angus! Angus, it's happening again!PHow many times have I told you not to
play that sinful music to all those clams?KThey say it comes from chewing on too
many lead toys when you're a child...GAngus! Angus! Don't put those in there!
You know they breed like flies!Oh - they are flies?;Well in which case, bring the
popcorn and we'll watch them.
Ooooooooh!Hello? Hello?!Look - have I come at a bad time? No, lad! No!7We're just settling down
to a nice evening by the fire.-I've brought the answer!
You know - to 'Why?'Well done, lad!
Well done!&It's probably not what you expected... Out with it!It's a bit...short... 43∞° Speak up, lad! speak up!Well - all right...."It's not really very conclusive...It just says...."Because". Then it says:éÇü"Blip blip blip, Out of Cheese Error...
... you were right, you were right!3Angus - stop doing that
right now and listen to me!é:Normally I'd hover around long
enough to check the goods -?but in this case, a frenzied
departure might be more advisable.I'm sorry Ollie! Mmmm- hmph!FASTER! WORK FASTER!VExplosions - put enough
explosions into a clickie, and
who cares what the plot's like!OYou can put in giant rubber dinosaurs
for all I care - as long as they explode! Hello there!No time! No time to talk!7I need more imps -
more imps to put
inside the cameras.PGotta have more special
effects over here -maybe a...
maybe a lightning strike!Neeeeerrowm! Booom!Look - you're a busy man.I was just wondering...Fshoom!Boom!Pow!Oh, never mind...(So tell me, what are all these imps for? Cheap and expendable labour.%They do all the special effects work.-Hell, sometimes they even blow themselves up.)I thought they were just used in cameras.That was then. This is now.[Any imp can operate a camera, but
only the most skillful can do
blue screen and matte work.I need an imp! To go inside a camera, I mean.0You seem to be the right
sort of man to talk to!No! you can't have any!I need 'em! I need 'em all!VWe're going to blow all Ankh-Morpork apart
and have it stepped on by a giant cranefly! A cranefly?0That doesn't sound like much of a monster to me!hWell, not to me either, but it does
look pretty damn scary if you get
it right up close to the camera...But that's not all!fWe've got explosions,
crashing buildings, and
screaming women with their
clothes artfully disarranged!It's going to be a classic!dThat's all very well,
but do you think I can
borrow an imp for a while
so I can do some photography?/Oh yes - take the one on
top of the water tank.FWe don't need him until
we do the Valley of the
Trolls this afternoon.â;Right, now what we need in this
clickie is more explosions,;a gallop-by crossbow shooting,
some buildings falling down,Ta giant ape climbing a tower
and maybe we can find someone
to write a script, too...APerhaps we should just draw a
curtain over this sad little scene.It's a funny old world...ÇíWallop! er... ahh... Wallop - ouch! ouch!
Oh no, no! Ergh - hurruh, bleed bleed bleed....
Oh pain pain pain arrgh! Aw, caw stop it,
Arrrgh! bang, punch, punch...What are you doing?"I'm practising our next few lines. What lines?(The ones where I wallop you on the head.9Ah! Yes - let's just avoid
those pages entirely shall we?PAnyway - I happen to know
there's no animation showing
me being hit on the head.DWhy do you think the Librarian's
letting me off so easily this time?Oh aye... I had wondered.+So you're the security
around here are you? Security. Aye, that's right.OI... I look after the err, the wossits...
the errr, the... the sets, that's it.!And the trailers and the canteen./Canteen? So tell me,
what's the food like here? 43¿ "Och, I wouldn't know.
I order in.OThe local quarry delivers now.
Good choice of fine rocks
at competitive prices."They even supply ketchup you know.1What! You eat rocks?
Must be awful on your teeth.[Nah. Troll teeth are the hardest substance known...
and they're always sparkling clean too.*How do I get into
that trailer over there?Wot? through the door?)You mean you want to
go through the door?"Well of course that's what I mean!)Now whatta you want
to go doing that for?2Because the wall has a
solid, wall-y kind of look.The key, right?ÇîWell, I could only really give the
key to someone who could provide me
with three rooster feathers, a piece
of string and a huge clockwork--
That's it!!No - I draw the line right there!ÇçNo quest, no items - no pathetic
excuses for "lateral thinking"
as I go stumbling about trying to
guess what I have to fetch this time. JUST - GIVE - ME - THE - KEY!0Why? I had my heart set
on that piece of string. All right - we'll try logic.`Now look - are you aware that
there are multiple outcomes to
each and every action that we take?Um....Just say yes.Yes.{Right - well that means that somewhere in
the universe, there's an alternative world
where you've already given me the key.Say yes. Um...yes...aSo since you've already given it
to me, there's no harm in me taking
the thing in hand right now!#I mean - I've already used it once.Oh! right you are, then. Here you go!:There - let's see them make a
game puzzle out of that one! What's up there beyond the gate.=Oh. That's where they're going
to shoot the next big clickie.0Famous star I hear.
People are dying to see him.Maybe I'll get a bit part.GYou never know. They might need the
odd rock or maybe even a landslide.I'm good at landslides. I thought you were in security.Aye, but I have me hopes.NYou see me cousin just did
'Trolls Prefer Blondes'...
had a starring role too."All the food he could eat as well./Although the hair did
stick in his teeth a bit.He ate the blonde!?!BNah, it wasn't part of equity rules,
or some such thing like that.!They hired stunt doubles you see.Stunt doubles?TOh aye, they looked like
the star, but weren't actually
her if you know what I mean.#Tasted good though, my cousin said.QI always think it's slightly wrong to
take advantage of those dumber than myself.WJust think - there but for a
completely different genetic
structure and IQ rating go I.Still...tough luck for him!1Hey, what's happened to this.
It used to be huge. Naughty boy!$Just had to have a
nibble didn't we?"Anyway, here, try some candy rock.5I brought it over from
Djelibeybi especially for you. Duh. Thanks.>Arrrrhhhh. Aw, My tooth!
Aw, aw naw, my tooo, oh no, my tooth!FAw, it hurts! Aw, It hurts me..
I want my mummy.. I want my mummy now!*Okay okay. Don't cry
limescale everywhere..I'll see what I can do
to pull it out for you.-Here, let me try something.
This should work.%There you are, friend!
There you are!@Now remember - a jingle,
a set of novelties
and a gorgeous babe! 43╝ TI might be able to do it for
you with less - but even now
I'm cutting me own throat!MRemember - for a jingle,
you'll need the words,
and a band to sing the thing.%You gotta get a song and the singers!<Well - as far as girls go,
we need attitude,
we need style -#but most of all,
she has to have...$Yes. Yes.
I think I get the picture.About these novelties...LYes, yes, novelties... Ah, something new,
something you don't see every day.'But most importantly... something free!All right!
We've got it.,Here it is - one prime jingle,
just for you! Hmmmmmm, yeah.... Yeah, mmmmm.$I dunno. Can you
get me another one?What?Only kidding."I've found a band,
mister Dibbler.
Excellent!@Are they good? Do they have the
sleek, well fed look of success?$Good gods no! They're all musicians.Oh well - sign them on.HThat's the drawback of music, having to
have all these musicians around.)I've found us our "Babe",
Mister Dibbler. Can she act?Of course she can act!She's a thespian<Yeah, well that won't matter.
That's very trendy these days.#Fine. Well, consider her signed up!Here we go! Novelties.$Novelties? You call these novelties?7I've never seen the likes of this
sort of thing before.&Exactly. That's why
they're novelties.*sigh*
I suppose so.&I hate it when logic
turns against me.GLook - can you go and get philosophical
on someone else's time, please?#Some of us have got a game to play."Okay - I think we have everything!.The jingle!
The band!
The girl!
The novelties! Haven't you forgotten something.No. I don't think so.iWhat about the lead actor?
He's still in make-up.
I'm afraid we'll need him
before we can start shooting.6Okay okay. It's not as if I
forgot anything important.'That's it - I think we have everything!.The jingle!
The band!
The girl!
The novelties!?Not to mention the lead actor's
out of make-up and ready to go! Right then!!So it's lights,
camera, angstrom!Don't you mean "action".Oh!/Well, I suppose so. If
you think that's easier.'Come on - we've got
some filming to do. It was a cut-out all the time! I could have just walked around./Don't say a word. Just
don't say a darn word...Happy birthday to you.Happy birthday to you.$Happy birthday, mister Patrician.... What happened to your voice?/*sneeze* Oh, sorry luv, I've got an awful cold!What you want now, then?é2Um - I was just wondering
whether you were free...Zthat is, if you might consider
being a part of a very special
clickie that we're making...+Oh sure!
But - ah, I get
lonely on the set.'You'll have to find me a little friend.Friend? Yes. I lost my last one you see. 43T Friend - oh, I see. For your ring. A little friend. Right - no rest for the weary...OI'm getting lonelier by the minute.
Hurry up and find me another little friend. Okay. Okay.
I'll get a diamond.,One diamond,
reasonably clean -
all for you.Now get out there and star in my clickie
or I'll take away all your make-up and
ban you from ever visiting a hairdresser again!You heartless beast!IGee! anyone would think you've been
round the world for this here thing!Greetings my good man!Woman! I'm a woman!*I might be a dwarf,
but I'm still a woman!Oh - I'm terribly sorry. I wasn't quite sure how to tell.(And I'm not going to
give you any hints. Anyway! What can I do for you?,What kind of customer
do you normally serve?*sigh*[Actually, given the usual dress
sense around here, a costume
shop is a bit of a lost cause.Hmmmm - that horse suit...é1You can't afford it, love -
but I tell you what -RI'll swap you the suit for some new props
for our new Djelibeybian Nights clickie.;Costume jewellery would be nice -
anything gaudy and showy.@Well - what are you waiting for?
Go off and quest for something!'Are you absolutely sure you're a woman?MOf course I'm sure! *Some* of us are
secure in our sexual identity, you know!+A dwarf working in the wardrobe department?'That's a bit of a girlie job, isn't it?I am a woman.(I'm terribly sorry -
I'll come in again.There - that's better.DI think I've just discovered why
Dwarves are so few and far between.There we are!$One Djelibeybian ring,
just for you.#Coo ta!
's going to look wonderful![We need something to go in the
navel of "Sinful Sabrina" the
bellydancer in scene thirteen.Ooooh. Really.Oh yes!MActually... You could - ah -
help Sabrina try on her
costume if you'd like...Really?Where is she?Right here, big boy!6Just wait there - I'll go get
my bells and my tassels!Gang-waaaaaaay!(Right - now let's see
what we have here.?Oh yes - deathly pale. Er.
That's quite fashionable these days. But have I got a face for you!Now - what about this?'THIS AIN'T QUITE MY SHTYLE, SHWEETHEART/Oh, well, I daresay
someone'll like it one day. All right.... how's about...Yes?HEY! LOOK AT THIS LOOK!2YOU EVER LOOKED AT A LOOK
LOOKING LIKE THIS LOOKS?)EITHER MY WATCH HAS
STOPPED OR I'M DEATH!7All right, I just know you're going to love this one...Er...how does that feel?HASTA LA VISTA, RINCEWINDé Look - this isn't working --4I want something more -
more direct, more glamorous!/Oh, so you're suddenly
the big expert, are you?,Bring me a picture of
the Elven Queen, then.That's real glamour.PI'm not budging so much as
a brush until you bring me
decent reference material! About this picture you need...."Do you know how to find any elves? 43¼! No idea. Why don't you ask the elves?CNow I'm going to ask you that
question again, very, very carefully.-And this time, I'd like
you to watch my lips. There's no need to be like that!/Why don't you go and
find a witch or something?They know about elves.Here! Take it and choke!Right!Stand back and here we go!SMMMMMMMMM-OKING!Awright!Lights!Camera!-Achtung? Acton? Actinium? Oh, get on with it!
Cue DEATH!-I'M READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP
NOW, MISTER DIBBLER$NOW IS THE WINTER
OF OUR DISCONTENT!/MADE ALL THE MORE DRIZZLY
BY THE LACK OF DEATH.3OOOOOOH! TO BE, OR NOT TO BE!
THAT IS THE QUESTION.HWHETHER TO BE EXTREMELY COOL,
REACH THE HEIGHTS OF
FASHION AND SNUFF IT.FOR TO KEEP DRAWING BREATH
AND LOSE ALL FASHION
SENSE FOREVER MORE.....So what do you think?I'm trying not to.Ready?
Cue piano.PIANO? Roll 'em!MAKEUP!$NOW IS THE WINTER
OF OUR DISCONTENT!/MADE ALL THE MORE DRIZZLY
BY THE LACK OF DEATH.3OOOOOOH! TO BE, OR NOT TO BE!
THAT IS THE QUESTION.GWHETHER TO BE EXTREMELY COOL,
REACH THE HEIGHTS OF
FASHION AND SNUFF ITGOR, TO KEEP DRAWING BREATH
AND LOSE ALL FASHION
SENSE FOREVER MORE.....Ready for porcelain scene?>UM, LOOK, LOOK - CAN WE JUST DISCUSS
THIS SCRIPT FOR A MOMENT? Roll 'em!MAKEUP!ANOW IS THE THE WIN.. WINTER
OF OUR, OF OUR TENTS, OUR DISCONTENT!>MADE ALL THE MORE DRIZZLY
BY THE, BY THE LACK, LACK OF DEATH.DOOOOOOH! TO BE, OR- OR NOT-NOT TO BE!
THAT-THAT-THAT IS THE ANSWER.SUM... WHETHER TO BE EXTREMELY
COLD, REACHING THE HEIGHTS OF
FASHION AND SNIFFING...IOR-OR TO KEEP DRAWING BREATH
AND LOSE ALL FASHION
SENSE FOREVER MORE.....OK, everyone!$The "being smashed by a safe" scene.And... roll em! NOW-NOW-NOW-NOW-NOW LOOK HERE!MAKEUP!Now, mister Dibbler? Now?WHAT?WHAT'S HE TALKING ABOUT?Nothing, love! Nothing!8Now look - I've told you before!
It'll be far too messy!HELP!I WANT TO SEE MY AGENT!AAll right - now DEATH,
stand by for Julian's
extra special scene! And... cue!HERE-HERE, WAIT A MINUTE!,WH-WH-WHAT'S ALL THIS
ABOUT A SPECIAL SCENE?Read your script, love!8Here, Julian - explain how
this next bit goes, will you?It goes - Whoooosh!Blam!Stuff flying everywhere! 43╨* Ah....ADid you not tell our boy that
there were special scenes involved?I'M NOT DOING IT!Oh all right! I'll go and find a stunt double!aHonestly - you get some people
in front of a camera, and they
think they're the Queen of the May.!A skeleton's stunt double indeed!%Haven't you found
a stunt double yet. Well it isn't easy you know.DCome on. All we need is a skeleton
that doesn't mind being blown up.Can't be all that hard.Fine, everyone!CUT and PAINT!Aaaah!This is more of a lark.(Watching someone else work for a change.)That was beautiful, baby!
Just beautiful!WAIT A MINUTE!"FEATHERS? IT WAS JUST -- FEATHERS?!What? Didn't you read the script? It's Julian's special scene!Aaaah show biz!&Fame and fortune -
I hear you calling!0Death old chap!
We are going to make you a STAR!And don't come back!HYou set foot here again and you'll be
taking your ears home in your hat.DWe are fey creatures of the twilight,
pal, not little Tooth Fairies.PThe difference is we take *all* your
teeth and put your *head* under the pillow!;'Hey! By the way -
isn't it time the Queen's pet came back?It's been gone a long time.$Oh, they always find their way home.What the hell was that.&Who cares. Can I borrow your eyeliner?Be my guest, dear. All hail me!What?Come on - all hail me!FIt's been ten minutes since anyone
said how fearsomely beautiful I am!Oh - um - right.QWell... you're dangerously
attractive, ummm... er,
maddeningly gorgeous,
ummmm...Yes?éIUm - you're wonderful, you can torture
small animals in a very regal way,5um - er.. you can do amazing
things with your hair...Well? what about you!é Why haven't you said anything -Guards, off with his head!3Er.. Er, wait!
I - I meant to say something, but... But what?2B-b-b-b-but I...
I was struck dumb by your beauty!That's it!
*whew*Mmmmmmm - all right.^Slightly crawly, but you can keep
all your bits if you stand over
there and croak like a frog.Ribbit! Ribbit!/Absolute power! Who can
say it isn't wonderful?Keep it going!HYou still got plenty of little bits
that could be chopped off, you know. Sorry! Ribbit!
Ribbit-ribbit!Errrr!0Someone's been performing
surgery on my unicorn!$I didn't even get a chance to watch! There's something inside it!*Uck! It's been eating something revolting!*Guards - off with anything they have left!Not you!Ribbit!You! 43 6 There you are! Bone idle, I see.=Come on - get up and get back
to work. It's chaos back there!NO. I LIKE IT HERE.2IT IS A LAND OF OPPORTUNITY,
SUN, SURF AND PRAWNS.,I can see the sun's
given you a nice bleach.Come on - we're going home!NO. I'M NOT GOING BACK.>I WORKED MY FINGERS TO THE BONE
FOR THEM BUT THEY ALL HATE ME. Hate you?$What does that matter?
You're Death!*You're not supposed to worry about things!You just -- just happen!WELL I WANT MORE FROM LIFE.=A LITTLE BIT OF POPULARITY -
IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK, IS IT.GI WORK HARD FOR EVERYBODY.
DOES ANYONE EVER SAY THANK YOU?
I THINK NOT.Thank you? For *dying?*[Er...look, if I promise you that
I'll find a way of making you
popular, will you come back?"PEOPLE WILL LIKE ME - YOU PROMISE?BCross my heart and hope to meet
you in your professional capacity.Now is it a deal? HMMMMMM....0ALL RIGHT - BUT ONLY IF YOU MAKE ME FEEL WANTED.^I have just the thing to bring
the message into the people's
hearts and minds, my fear fellow.CTell me... have you ever heard of
something called... the clickies? Grubs, mate? You what?Grubs. Witchetty grubs. A bonza feed.6Mmmmmm!
You can just smell them
on the barbie now, eh?WCome on - the cost's
only three bits -
and at that price,
I'm cuttin' me own digeridoo!ANo - look, I don't want to eat
any insect larva today, thank you.@Could be the mistake of your life,
mate! MMMMMM - they're yummy! Errr! Grubs?Ugh...they smell awful...RYou'd be really grateful for a feed of
these if you were lost in the desert, mate.'A good advert for buying a map, I feel.>Are you sure you live here?
You seem awfully familiar to me...+Sure as a platypus is an egg-laying mammal!ANow can I interest youse in any
quality dinkum merchandise, mate??Picnic hampers, hats with corks -
hows about a nice bent stick? I've got a lovely line in those!1No! Now look, why don't you sell anything useful!Useful? It's all useful!See?VHere - best thing for that!
Take a couple of raw insect
larvae - cure's it like magic! Like magic?'Well - if it cure's it, it'll be magic.)Come on, mate - two for the price of one!I'm cutting me own bludger!Go away!BThis picnic hamper - it's not
filled with bugs or anything, is it?+Naaaah mate!
I'd charge extra for the bugs.UIt's a bargain!
I'll give you the handle for free -
but I'm cutting me own billabong.5Stop saying that -
I'm sure it doesn't mean anything.-Ah...sorry.
You've worked that out, have you?:Yes, we only talk like that
when there's foreigners about.5The tourist board insists
that we maintain the image.pIn real life none of us would dream of
drinking or swearing or make offensive
remarks about women, I assure you."Now then, where was I...ah, yes...:G'day dinkum chunder, strewth I'm
worried about Darleen...Yes yes - ve-very bonza!0Now go and be "colloquial"
over there, will you?Stone the flaming crows!$Aargh, now you've got *me* doing it! 43p@ MIf you locals are so smart, how come
there's no bottles attached to that hat?9There were, but the flies
have already been and took 'em.Aaaaah Bonedie!çSun,surf,sun,sand,surf,heat,flies...Rand a strange, indescribable
smell just hovering somewhere
at the back of my nose.-Just the place where
the dead can enjoy life.=Odd - there's something strangely
hypnotic about those waves!yMust be fun, dipping in and out
of the surf - dodging the broken
bottles and old fish hooks,
swerving between the sharks.*Sigh*ASounds like jolly good fun...
I wonder how one would go about it?I'll be seeing you then.Yeah, see ya later mate.Hello! Who're you?What d'ye want? SQUEAK! SQUEAKA-SQUEAKA-SQUEAK!é!Yes, that's right - look, ummm...I'm here to become Death. You what?6You know... Death,
The pale horseman.
TALKS LIKE THIS.1Very big in the hourglass
and scythes department.You?Oh, not for long.mJust until Himself gets back
I just have to fill in for a
while - get the backlog
moving, that sort of thing.-Got the faintest idea
how to do it, have you?Um - well, I suppose so.%We got standards to maintain, mister. We takes a pride in our work.)I ain't havin' you lettin' the side down!:Listen, you got to be up to
snuff before you can be Death!Now do you mean?WWell, you got to be able to
ride the pale horse, and you
got to wear the right clothes.9Death wouldn't be seen dead in
anything but a black robe.é Yeah, you'll need a scythe -3and a capital letter voice -
something... chilling. Is that all?You want more?Get on with it!Oh, goodie.
Another quest.$I'm just flotsam on the sea of life.(Yeh! Stop snivelling and get on with it!OThere we are - one robe,
comma, black, comma,
spectres of death for the use of!Call that black?It *is* black! No it ain't!@Not your "light falling into it,
never to escape" kind of black.'It's not the kind
of black Death'd wear6You not making any friends
here, I hope you know that.0All right, blacker
than black it is!
Here we go!Having fun, are we?%Look - what was it
I was after again?I can't imagine, mister.(Advanced psychological treatment, maybe?+Just tell me what I'm
supposed to be doing!YA black cloak,
a scythe,
a deep, booming voice,
and a demonstration of your horsemanship./Surely even someone like
you can remember that? There we go!PLight not only simply falls
into it, but it doesn't even
get a chance to scream. Mmmmm - yes."Well, the cut could be better.....Albert!3Oh very well - I suppose
beggars can't be choosers..Yeah! There we are -
read it and reap, Albert!See - a scythe!$Oh, we *are* Mr Clever, aren't we...3I suppose you've got some
idea about how to use it? 43£K "Well of course I can use a scythe!You just sort of - um...,Yes, well I'm sure I'll
get the swing of it!"It'll just take a bit of practice.)Not inside where you'll scar my woodwork!#Take it outside and reap the field.UWhen that's done, then perhaps you might
have enough skill to go and reap some souls.KYou know, if I end up in charge your
job is definitely one for down-sizing.#Ha! an entire field of corn reaped!CYeah - I've got you trembling now, eh?
I'm apocalypse material now!Oh, indeed, Sir.JYou're going to strike fear and tremblin'
into blades of grass everywhere.;HEELLLLOOOO...
ANNNYYYYBOOOODDDDYYYYY
HOOOOOMMMMMEEEEEEE...Hmmm, must be mice.;HEELLLLOOOO...
ANNNYYYYBOOOODDDDYYYYY
HOOOOOMMMMMEEEEEEE...8Looks like you just can't keep
a good screen saver down. ALBERT! ALBERT, IT IS I - DEATH! Hmmm, must be those mice again. ALBERT! ALBERT!
IT IS I - DEATH! Really, Sir?Nice to have you back, sir.DNow we can get rid of that little
pratt in the pointy hat and dress.3Well at least I've proved
that I can use the voice.Right!JI've ridden the horse,
got the clothes,
the voice,
the scythe,
the moves -Nah! nah! Hold on!-Being Death isn't like delivering the papers!]No no no -
I can't let you go out hacking and slaying
wholesale until you've had a trial run.Start small, mister.WCollect 100 souls first, and
then maybe you'll be ready to
get out there and slay them.A hundred souls.
Right now?Yep.<Look - couldn't we -
you know -
just come to an arrangement?bCome on -
ten gold pieces says we just -
you know -
forget all about it and get on with the story? Bribery, eh?VTrying to *buy* your way out of a quest?
Where would we be if everyone tried that, eh?pFine right - well, let's go get
one hundred lovely souls for Albert
and the principle of complicated gaming, eh?Bye bye, mister.4Don't trip and decapitate
yourself on the way out... Get your thieving hands off!THAT is for tea time!4But this is Death's kingdom.
Time never passes here.$I never said tea time would be soon!Look Albert!
Look!Oh you found the commode!
Well done!4No Albert, I mean I've
managed to collect 100 souls.8Oh well, I suppose you must be
Death material after all.-I should have guessed it from all your lines.xOh, all *right* - go out and reap away
to your little heart's content -
but you got to to be back
before the bell tolls.9You know how the other Three
Horsemen hate hanging about.%I take it YOU rang the bell, did you?That's right! And what was it you was wanting?.No no - nothing really.
I must have forgotten.Wonderful sir.#Then I shall get back to my duties.mPlease don't hesitate to ring the next
time you think you kind-of-maybe might
have forgotten what you wanted.Oh never fear - I will....3Ah there you are, sir.
And quite the part you look.(There's a job for you - your very first.Oh? What's this?It's a lifetimer hourglass. 43╝V .It counts off the moments of its owner's life.sAs you can see, it's almost empty -
perhaps it's time for you to put down
your milky tea and actually do some work?Alright alright!
I'm going!(Who does this hourglass belong to, then?NOh, you'll find out -
I think you'll find him quite
easy to spot in a crowd... Hello there!.And what are we doing in
this awful place, eh?What are WE doing here?cWell *I'm* minding my own business -
as for what *you* are doing, some
of us would rather not know.8Apart from that, there doesn't
seem to be much going on.&Well I was only trying to be friendly!DYes...Probably not a good idea,
seeing as you're wearing that dress.TI was always told not to talk to strangers
and it'd be hard to be stranger than you.Well excuse me!NAll I thought was "hello -
here's another mortal in
the land of Death, then"!éXI mean - it seemed we might have
a few mutual talking points -
information to exchange -8pleasantries -
something in common -
that sort of thing.9Well, it looks as if we buy
our clothes in the same shop.(Was there something I can help you with?:Well it's just... just that
I don't know quite what to do!KI'm supposed to be standing in for Death,
but I don't know what to do next.Yes? But what am I supposed to do?3I mean - what does a living
Death do with his time?%It all seems dead boring to me! Haha!<You'll have to give me a signal
when you expect me to laugh. My - what a lovely toy cart!You can't have it.
Oh please?0Oh all right then.
But get me another toy first.>One of the autobiographies from
the hall of records should do.Something to laugh at.Laugh?9Those are people's life stories
we're talking about here!CReal tragedies - hopes, you know,
dreams, triumphs and aspirations!'How can you possibly find them amusing?0I was thinking of yours.
That should be a laugh.(Just bring it here once you've found it."Let me guess - Death's handmaiden?#No, actually I'm his granddaughter.[In a universe of infinite
possibilities, I suppose that
hairstyle had to come up somewhere.There!)My ongoing life story!
Are you satisfied?6Oh look - an autobiography
with join-the-dot pictures.DThat's a catalogue of
all my hopes and dreams -
all my achievements!;You treat it with just a little
bit of respect, young lady!*Oh look - here's your thought for the day!Ah! What does it say? Actually, the line is blank.Give it back!5Some people just don't
appreciate quality literature.5Now just tell me something
else you'll take in trade!"Anything but the story of my life!
All right.2Go get me one of the really
old biographies, then. One of those ones with pictures.4They're kept in a locked
dark room somewhere inside.There!Are you satisfied?-Perfectly. This one's much
better than yours. Here's the cart to play with.&Let me know when you turn up in court.I did it! See?I can ride!
I can ride! 43D` Yippie-ki-yi-yay, sir.But I did it! See?I passed the test.Yeah, so I see7Shall I prize the saddle from
your flesh now, or later?:The trouble with you, Albert,
is you have no sense of fun.>I'll laugh when I'm prising you
out of that saddle, my friend.#And now - undead from Ankh-Morpork!RWelcome to the show once
voted most likely to reap
a harvest of thrown vegetables!5And now, the person I guess
we're *all* waiting for--Herrrrrrre's DEATH!WOOO - YEAH, ALL RIGHT.OTHANK YOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL AUDIENCE
IF SOMEWHAT STUPID.>AAH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE PEOPLE
WHO ARE UPRIGHT AND BREATHING.é7OF COURSE, YOU KNOW WHY MY
OLD JOB WAS ALWAYS SO HARD - I ONLY HAD A SKELETON STAFF.é/LET'S JUST SAY A BIG HELLO
TO OUR BAND LEADER -
BONE IDLE! KNOCK KNOCK Who's there?DEATH
Death who? DEATH - ACK!"THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU... OH - YOU'VE HEARD THAT ONE, EH?&ALAS POOR DEATH -
I KNEW HIM, HORATIO.A MAN OF INFINITE JEST.... Well - not exactly infinite.(I DIDN'T THINK I WAS DOING TOO BADLY....EUm - maybe it's best not to quibble
at this point in the proceedings.This is ridiculous!How can Death die?6THE MORE LIKE ME YOU BECAME,
THE MORE MORTAL I BECAME.5SOD IT - I WAS JUST STARTING
TO GET THE HANG OF THIS!'OH DEAR - I REALLY DO THINK I'M FADING.DMAYBE TAKING TIME OFF FROM MY JOB
WASN'T SUCH A GOOD IDEA AFTER ALL.NAH WELL - I SUPPOSE IT'S IN GOOD HANDS.
TA-TA! HAVE FUN BEING THE GRIM REAPER! Grim Reaper? What do you mean Grim Reaper?(WELL IF I'M GONE,
THEN THE JOB'S YOURS -THROUGH ALL ETERNITY. But I can't be the grim reaper!>I get queasy just squishing
caterpillars on the baby lettuces!No - stop it!+I don't want to be left holding
the scythe! NOPE. I'M SLIPPING, I'M AFRAID.MY TIME IS RUNNING OUT.OI WISH I'D HAD A MOTHER,
BECAUSE IF I'D HAD A MOTHER,
I COULD CRY OUT 'MOTHER!' BUT I DIDN'T, SO I CAN'T.
BLAST.4OTHER FAMOUS LAST WORDS
ARE "DON'T POINT THAT AT ME"%AND "WHY IS THAT RED LIGHT FLASHING?"JAND "HOW DOES DIBBLER MAKE A PROFIT
ON THIS STUFF AT FIVE GROATS A BOTTLE"I KNOW THEM ALL./NOW... WHICH ONE SHALL I USE.
LET ME SEE NOW...GAll right - just stay there and I'll
try to get you on your feet again!'Here - it's from the fountain of youth!This ought to fix you up.&COUGH COUGH! IT'S - IT'S GETTING DARK! BUT - BUT WAIT - THERE'S LIGHT!THERE... NO, DOESN'T QUITE WORK, DOES IT?HOW ABOUT, ER..."KISS ME, RINCEWIND". NO... OR..."I'LL BE BACK!" NO, I GUESS I WON'T BE BACK. 43hl Oh for Offler's sake!iI suppose all water of youth is going
to do to a skeleton is make him get
covered in smelly bits of skin."I'M MELTING." "WHAT A WORLD! WHAT A WORLD!",Just hang in there.
I'll try something else. "AUNTIE EM?""TOTO?""IS THAT YOU?"OOOOH - I'M GOING!I'M GOING....OOOOOOOH - HERE I GO. I'M STILL GOING, YOU KNOW....<All right, all right -
something to fill up your hour glass.I'm working on it!?Honestly - you'd think nothing
was done around here without me!éOnce - just once -ÇÜI'd like to see an adventure based on
"Rincewind stays in bed and gets some
kip while everyone else runs around and
collects stupid objects on his behalf"#OH DAMN - I FORGOT TO SHOUT "FORE"!Aaaaah!(The gentleman from the Assassins' Guild.DDo please come in and abase yourself
at the edge of the yellow line.!Now come closer, while I explain. Not that close, not that close!Sorry."Now look - I want someone removed.]A potential troublemaker,
somebody who's become too popular
for his, or should I say my good.@And there has to be no way of
connecting myself with his demise. Say no more, Sir!
Say no more!VWe shall strike like the subtle hand of doom,
leaving nothing but weeping in our wake. For you see - we are The Night!You are?(I thought you were the Assassins' Guild?DAh - well we are the Assassins' Guild,
but we are also... The Night!TSo, in fact, you are that
period of the diurnal rhythm
defined by darkness, are you?éXSo nighttime thefts, muggings,
murders and overnight cart parking
in restricted zones...@We can just start billing the
Assassins' Guild directly, can we?6No more fussing about with
tax collectors and fines...What!XB-but, just because we are
the Night, doesn't mean that
we're responsible for the night!0Well if you ARE it, then
you have to control it.6And if you control it,
then you're responsible for it. This seems eminently sensible.DI have a few thousand unpaid bills
we can send your way by tomorrow.No no no - now look!GAll right. Um - we aren't ARE the night,
but we are OF the night... OF!lSo we are an integral part of the night,
without assuming any controlling or
otherwise responsible position.|So whereas we can assume custodianship
of unpaid bills, this will only be as a
storage facility - a favour to you, my lord -sUntil we find someone who utterly
encompasses ALL aspects of the night -
whereupon we can pass the bills on to him!Oh, very well...2So in the meantime, just
get on with this new job.BAnd don't mess it up like you did
with the Fools' Guild last time!>'Scuse me, do they have those
chocolate-coated icecreams here?-The ones with the little bits of nut on them?#They only had insect larva flavour.Insect larva!?!=Mmmmmm. Some new innovation
imported from XXXX, apparently...#When's this clickie starting, then?Yes! Hurry up!/Some of us have to get back to bed before dawn!Rubbish!I say! Zis is appalling!!Err - I like the rat droppings... Rat droppings? They're raisins+It's all the same with a chocolate coating.LUgh! I haven't seen anything this awful
since I saw the Dean in the showers!#Well - that didn't cut the mustard! 43$z !No no no. I thought it was awful!ÇÇWell in its awfulness, it had a certain
beauty - just as in beauty, we sometimes see
awfulness pressing through from underneath.ÇäI mean - sure! sure!
We all look at it, and say "Well
this presentation eats its own young",
but I mean - is this a fair assessment?wCan we really judge an art piece as being
awful simply because it exhibits no
attractive or interesting aspects at all?éHActually, I felt that in many aspects,
the film proved to be a very apt,very direct communication. Oh? Of what?IWell...a communication of just how
untalented some clickie makers can be. Yeah, right! Get off! OFFFF! It's wretched! Really awful!'Things like this give death a bad name!Oh Gods - not again!This is wanton depravity!"Eeeeer!I dunno, I kind of like it.That *proves* it's bad!!Ohhh my. I do say. How marvelous. Beautiful. Simply beautiful.%I wish my smell could have seen that.*That was better than being alive ever was.&Now, that's what I call real charisma.#He'll go far, he will.
A real star. Well I thought it was very nice! I didn't understand the ending.Well I never!Oh I say - that is good!AThe special effects on these things
are getting better every day!Run you fools!It's for real!BArgle! Snap it for a ragman's trumpet!
Millennium hand and shrimp!#Yes, it is very romantic, isn't it.<Buggrit, front the biscuit for a
sneaky trouser, I told 'em!7You're just an old softie
under that crust, aren't you.COf course she is rather tall, but
they do say size isn't important.3Actually - they do make a
beautiful pair, you know!Buggrit?MI meant the Librarian and the giant.
Do you think we should rescue him, Dean?=Mmmmm? I was just wondering if
we might have to rescue *her*.4Perhaps we'd better just
let nature take its course._Got a horse, did you say? How's
he going to get it up that tower
with the big woman in the way?!Bladders! Get your bladders here!?Only a groat apiece - and even
then, I'm cutting me own throat!+Bladders? Are you taking the pi-- Bladders?bBladders, friend. A rustic forerunner
of the more familiar rubber balloon,
as enjoyed by children.?This is absolutely true. Who
vole bladders, moose bladders.!You want a bladder, I'm your man.You know, I believe you.7You can do other things besides
blow them up, you know.#Oh, dozens of uses, a good bladder.NAlthough right now I admit I can only
think of one or two. Well...one, really.1All right. I'd like to buy
some bladders, please!!Certainly, squire! Now what sort?^We've got yer rat, yer vole -
that's field vole, meadow vole,
and the killer Klatchian vole...A Killer vole?iYeah, you know the ones - six feet
long, covered in poisoned spines and
with incisors like chisel blades.^But I thought voles were sweet
little things - you know, small
and brown and covered with fur?Not these ones, sir! Take yer arm off in an instant!!They've leveled whole continents!FObliterated ships filled with puppies,
baby kittens and innocent nuns!.Wait a minute! These look like sheep bladders!mIt comes to something when a poor
sheep is finding its essential organs
floating around as kiddies' balloons!cSheep, sir? Never, sir! Catch me
harming sweet little creatures with
curly wool and big brown eyes?8Naah, not on my life!
Cut me own throat if I tell a lie!é,These have been taken from Klatchian voles -Çça life form so foul, sir, so venomous,
so putrid and psychotic that the hunters, sir,
were all awarded medals for services to humanity! 43Çà 2Klatchian voles is like
rabid sharks on legs, sir!DOh, well that's all right then.
In that case - give me some of them.Right you are, squire!>I just hope they had time to go
to the lavatory first, though.Animal bladders.That's right, squire!As toys for children.Wonderful idea, eh?qLook - do you really think this is
an appropriate part of an animal's offal
to be touting about as a child's toy?!Well I suppose you're right, sir.VBut the stomach gets used
for haggis, and the intestines
get used for sausage skins...^Wait! Brilliant! There's one bit
no one ever uses. I can get hold
of a pile of them right now!/NO! Stop right there!
This has gone far enough.é!Bladders I can almost understand,Obut I will not allow you to run about
giving children toys made out of... of...$Skulls, sir? What's wrong with that?&I could make little drums - castanets.Little money boxes....Skulls?*Sigh*&Oh good.
Right - well,
that's OK then.1You just go and sell some animal skulls later on. It'll have to be later, squire.PI'm still trying to shift all those
animal-colon footstools I made up yesterday.Now that's free enterprise!1You see that - that's what makes this city great.ÇÇA man's free to re-use the internal organs
of dangerous fauna in any way he sees fit,
no matter what the health department says!DI'm not sure whether they spent
enough on the script for this movie.(It seems to be all just special effects! Mmmmmm?
Is it intermission yet?6I was hoping for something
nice and sticky on a stick.1The only thing sticky
around here is this finale.Get on with it!)Hello there young man.
Having a good day?(This is clearly some attempt at sarcasm.*Are you sure this is where you want to be?&I mean - it's not exactly safe, is it.<I don't know. The safest place
seems to be wherever you are.HI heard all those comments you made
about the animation budget, you see. She's right there, you know.Mmmmmm!No! I haven't even asked it yet!Oh all right. Ask away.That's better.*Now - can I have the flying broom, please?No.Right!8There, see? It doesn't hurt to
follow the correct forms.zNow if you don't mind, it looks like I'll
have to get busy going on a silly quest
to winkle the wretched thing out of you.,You can swap minds with this raven, can you?Yes. I'm very good at it.pOh go on - You can't possibly manage
to put all your knowledge and experience
into that tiny little avian brain!Ha! Of course I can! Just watch!0What a clever woman!
Clever... yet oddly dumb...<Haven't you got anything better
to do than sit here all day?JWell, it's not every day I get to
see a man torn to pieces by a giant elf.Oh.Yes. Point taken.&Waiting to see me get croaked, is she!kOnly the fact that this is the last
scene of the game makes me refrain
from saying something really acidic! What are you still doing here?+Doing? Well I'm not dying, that's for sure!)I've tried drowning, I've tried stabbing. 43Æ YI've tried hanging - and that's an extremely
boring way to spend a night, hanging around.Yes, well, I...@Then I tried poison - poison snakes,
poison ivy, poison potions.QEven tried me some of that Deep Water
blow fish, but do you think I dropped dead?Not a bit of it!bI went to the worst reputed restaurant
in Ankh-Morpork and that was hard
to find, let me tell you.LI got a meal made by the owner's pet
rat, called William. And still nothing!KYou can't even get a decent case of
food poisoning in this town these days.XIn my day and age, you went in fear of your
life every time you went into a street cafe!wThere was your basic food poisoning,
your lead poisoning from the cooking pots,
ground glass from the mixing pestles..."Yes. Look - I really have to go...WAnd it bloody cost me seventeen pence.
Seventeen, just for a bit of fly-blown blowfish.NFor that kind of money, you'd expect
them to throw in William the rat as well!KI ask you! How's a body supposed to
get its last rites in this day and age?-I'm going to die if it's the last thing I do!What is it now?1The dead are supposed to rest in peace, you know! Run! It's a falling giant woman!And that's another thing!lIn my day, girls were sweet, demure
little things, not sixty foot tall
monsters like you apparently get now!XAnd I'm also pretty sure that in MY day,
they all actually wore something under their...So it's you at last, is it!"So where do you think you've been?+SORRY. IT'S BEEN A BIT OF A CONFUSING WEEK.
Confusing!8I've been undead since half
past ten on Tuesday morning.QI wouldn't complain,
but I've lost seventeen pence
just on blowfish since I died!9You'd think the afterlife
would be cheaper, wouldn't you!!WELL, I'VE SAID SORRY, HAVEN'T I?4COME ON - LET'S HAVE A
CURRY BEFORE WE GO.
MY TREAT.'Oh! Well - that's rather decent of you.IBy the way - I tried strangulation,
drowning, poison, traffic accidents -RI even listened to improvised jazz music,
but that just made me *wish* I was dead.-Or that the musicians were dead, at any rate. How did I finally manage to go?&YOU GOT SAT ON BY A GIANT ELVEN QUEEN.INow there's one I never thought of trying.
Still, if you've got to go....SQUEAK.)Oh! Hello! And what in the world are you?:SQUEAK!
SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK. Yes, yes... SQUEAK SQUEAKA SQUEAKA SQUEAK!6Well I didn't understand a word of
that at all. Sorry.Oh hello - it's you again!SQUEAK!eHe says "hello, how are you -
and shouldn't you be getting a move on
and get Death back on his feet".-That's very clever - where did you come from?'You'd have to ask my mother and father.They'd never tell me.#That's just a familiar little joke. Yes. A very familiar little one.$That's just a little bit of sarcasm.6You just wait until I get
my own body back, young man!I'll give you sarcasm! Hello again.SQUEAK!
He said...hYeah - he said "what are you doing
standing about here all day when
the cosmos is going down the privy?'*Hey, I think I'm getting the hang of this!]Just fancy. Twenty years of school,
and finally you've mastered the
ability to talk to a rat.<Your mother must be so very
proud, if you ever had a mother.Oi! 434£ 5What are you doing up there,
you unhygienic layabout?éOh! Well, you see -&I am Death incarrot! I mean incarnate!Pull the other one!I am! Prove it!WOoooh! Right! You just watch it
or I will in no small measure
and no two ways about it.I've had enough of this.4This isn't Death, he's more
like a mild dose of flu.Out of cheese error: Hey, what's going on out there?TCan't you see that the game has crashed?
Would you reset your computer or something?@No, hang on. What the heck.
Guess I might as well fix it myself. Hey, I wonder what's in here? Hmmmm, wonder what this does. Hey, don't point that at me!OUCH!!!HEEEELP! How do I control this thing?vLook you don't have to jump off the cliff.
Why not consider a career change?
Perhaps you could sleep through the game. Aaaah. Can't we talk about this?jI mean, I don't even belong here.
Look, you must be able to see that?
I'm not even rendered with polygons!What's this round thing do?Hey, I remember this.(Haha, things have changed, haven't they? Who are you?(I'm you, just better drawn and animated.AJust look at those jagged pixels.
Not to mention that mono voice. Please tell me what's going on?CI'm from the sequel.
And there's been a few
changes I can tell you.:Higher resolution -
a wizard must look
the goods you know.JBetter sound -
after all my voice isn't
supplied by just anybody you know!ELonger rest periods between quests.
Less walking. That sort of thing.vFor the life of me I don't see why
they don't just have lots of film clips.
I could sleep through the whole game then.@Well, if you're from the sequel,
then perhaps you could help me?CI've been wandering around here
for days like a puppet on a string.)The person playing this game has no idea.KCould you please explain to me that
thing about butterflies and lamp posts?Ninth floor please. Take me to the Odium please.#Sort of explains a lot, doesn't it?That leads back outside.!That leads back to Bonedie Beach. That leads back to Djelibeybi.!That leads back to the Discworld. That leads back to the library."That leads back to the studio lot.&That leads into the 'Dead Rights' club-That leads into the pyramid architect's shop.%That leads into the Troll's Head pub.That leads outside.That leads to Ankh-Morpork. That leads to Bonedie Beach. That leads to Death's garden. That leads to Death's house. That leads to Death's study.That leads to Djelibeybi.That leads to Gimlets.That leads to Holy Wood.That leads to make-up.That leads to more sewers.That leads to Mrs Cake's. That leads to Susan's bedroom.That leads to the alcove.That leads to the castle. 43╕ñ That leads to the cemetary. That leads to the concert stage.That leads to the crypt. That leads to the dining room. That leads to the Discworld.That leads to the docks. That leads to the Fools' Guild.$That leads to the Fountain of Youth.That leads to the grounds.That leads to the hallway.'That leads to the High Energy Facility.That leads to the kitchen.That leads to the library. That leads to the magic stones.%That leads to the milkmaid's trailer.That leads to the mortuary.That leads to the oasis.That leads to the plaza.)That leads to the Pork Futures Warehouse."That leads to the punishment hill.That leads to the pyramid.That leads to the sewers.That leads to the Shades.That leads to the stable. That leads to the stoning area.%That leads to the University gardens.%That leads to the University grounds.'That leads to the Used Camel Salesyard.!That leads to the Wandering Shop.&That leads to the wardrobe department.A hand pointing up.A hand pointing down.A hand pointing left.A hand pointing right. The way out.An exit. I'm not sure where that leads.Be seeing you then.Goodbye for now.-Look, I'm afraid I have to be somewhere else.*That's enough of this conversation for me.See you later. Let's just stop all this now.Goodbye!Well, that's it for now./If ever you're
in Ankh-Morpork
then look me up.0Sorry, can't stay
and chat all day.
Must be off. I have no further use for that.8Been there and done that.
Let's leave well enough alone.5I have no desire to talk to
that person at this time. I've finished with him for now. I've finished with her for now.Let's just leave him alone.Let's just leave her alone.Nope, that just won't work. I doubt whether that will work. That's not going to help you.Read the hint book have we?<Well just play properly and
not spoil it for everybody else. Good idea, but not just yet. I'm afraid I can't pick that up.ZHere! If you want to go hoisting
this thing up, then you come
in here and try it yourself!VI think you might be confusing
me with someone who actually
wants to exert themselves.iI'd give it a go, but I think that
local surgical appliance technology
might not be quite up to the task. 43L│ /Are you under any treatment for this condition?eFascinating, isn't it, the length
of desperate stupidity some people
will go to just to solve a game.hIt's a fascinating suggestion, but
I'm afraid the laws of physics and
I will have to object to that one.;Now look - we've had words
about this kind of thing before!uWell normally, I'd be quite pleased to
do it, but my physician has recently
warned me to avoid massive loss of blood.ZAh! Now once again, you're
confusing me with someone actually
capable of fearless courage.mI've got a better idea! I'll go out
there and play the game, and you come
in here and risk life and limb, OK?"No. Not in any shape, way or form.&Not in any permutation or restatement.^My limbs are currently in
exactly the order I want them to be,
and that is where they'll stay!DYes - I'm not sure you and I
quite agree on points of natural law...|Well - even though your orders are rubbish,
I do find it endlessly fascinating just
postulating the way your mind must work.3Mmmmmmm - not one of your
Your parents must be so proud...%Hmmmm - getting there! Getting there!NAnd to think - your parents still won't
let you use scissors with pointy ends. Well - we're on the right track.$Well - partially on the right track.3On a scale of trackness,
I'd give us a 7 out of 10.Enthralling, isn't it?éÇüYou come home from a long day's work, switch
on the computer and spend hour after hour
fiddling about with object combinations...!and never quite getting it right.*Aaaaaah! Now there's satisfaction for you! Well who'd have thought, eh?*Allow me a brief moment of inflated pride!OOh! Right! So easy - of course.
It was right there in
front of us all the time.yAllow me to compliment the game designers
for establishing a logic system completely
at odds with a real, rational world!0Oooooh - your mother
must be so proud of you....-Well at least this keeps you off the streets.%So you puzzled that one out, did you?&Pardon me while I reserve my applause.,Ooooooh you handsome little sea weavil, you!.Rincewind: Homo Sapiens Sorcerous Irritabilus.qIn reality I'm a full foot taller,
bronzed, and rippling with muscles,
but it's been a hard night for the artist.It's me!It was me five minutes ago.2And it'll still be me the
next time you look, too!Honestly! Some people.[You give them a tool, and they
spend the next ten years of
their life just playing with it.<Doesn't anyone else around here
have any sense of stability?+Of aims and goals.
A sensible grip on life?Hey, that tickles.Hey, leave my pixels alone. My dear, faithful old luggage.*Quiet as a log, and just about as smart...;Hmmmmmm.
I wonder if it's about
time my luggage had a bath?ÇÅDon't you find something strangely soothing about
an ambulatory box which can consume fifty times
its own mass in food, clothing and furniture?You don't?
Oh.1Actually, it scares the
willies out of me, too... What? Shall I get inside it?MNo way! Nobody's ever interfered with
the luggage and lived to tell about it.%I'm not carrying that around with me.(No way! That stays with me at all times. I'd better not store that away. I'd better keep hold of that.#Sorry. I'm afraid I can't reach it.0Sorry, I'm already carrying
my quota of objects.4I want to be the first person
in a game to say f**k!&What do you mean I've already said it?DAlright then, I want to be the
first person in a sequel to say f**k!dAnyway, nobody wrote in and said
they heard it in the first game,
it must have been too well hidden! Librarian#Ah! My old friend the arboreal ape.SThat's the nice thing about Ankh-Morpork -
it's an equal opportunity kind of place.<He's always ready to knuckle
down and work for peanuts, too. 43└╜ ArchchancellorXThe Archchancellor My imperious leader, who thinks
shouting is the same as intelligence.+Before they made him, they broke the mould. What a sight to stir confidence.BWell, possibly not confidence,
but it certainly stirs something...8I can't use it like that.
I need exactly 4cc's of blood.-That's a good start but I need three of them.?If I wanted one of 'those'
I would have asked for one of those.Coffin0I wonder why they always make coffins so sturdy?0I mean, who do they think is going to break out?GYeah sure. As though they'd let me
spent the game holed up in a coffin.FoodFood. Well - I say food.]It is vaguely organic, and probably could be
placed inside the mouth in times of emergency...YI would try and scoop it up,
but without something to put it
in I would just make a mess.Food2I see no one's touched the weevil-paste dip again.GI don't know why they bother uncapping
it every time we have a shindig!=There's no way that I could bring
myself to pick up this lot.Ponder Stibbons.Ponder Stibbons: Profession - research wizard.Personality - maniac.Avoid at all costs...SkazzwSkazz. Hmmmm - essentially the sort of man
who carefully files away family photographs
as his sole means of recreation.Don't give it to me.5Get those little blighters
out of there and into HEX.
Mad Drongo%Huh! Students these days - I ask you!Fool!My old pals, the Fool and Chucky.4Just goes to show that you
should never mix spirits.1No thanks, I've had enough spirits for this game.MachineHEXJAn automatic computating machine;
Personally I can't see any future in it.=Eh, what are those little black
things roaming around inside?HEX$Their automatic computating machine..Apparently it's broken though.
No ants inside. Not enough bugs, you could say.BBlasted little blighters.
Looks like I'll have to entice them out.)I'd better get the machine working first.HEXFTheir automatic computating machine.
Loaded with ants and ready to go.;I don't have any reason to do
that at this particular time.!I'd best ask Skazz to operate it.HEXJTheir automatic computating machine.
Featuring the new pyramid peripheral.Basket A basket.OYep - woven from the finest wicker by
the talents of the finest wicker weavers.=To top it all off, it's bulging
with food and rife with ants."Picking it up again won't help me.)That won't get the ants out and into HEX. Test tube A test tube.-Never know - it must be useful for something.XHey man, you've like broken it now.
All the ants have run away.
You've like debugged it!BellowsFOh! It's a ... um... one of those
things where air wheezes in and out./Like a political manifesto,
only not as tiring.Bellows! That's the word! 43 ╚ Magnet I like a nice magnet, don't you?/I've always found magnets strangely attractive.-Attractive! Get it?
Attract.. with the mag...+Well there's little enough fun in this job.PIf you can't enjoy yourself, then you
might as well just go home and lie down... AcceleratorA Thaum accelerator, eh?(It looks like a giant drink mixer to me.)I'm already spun out enough by this game.$It wouldn't help to make this dizzy. BeekeeperFThe University beekeeper.
Yes - look, let's not hang around too close. He might try to talk to us... How's this?)Yes, that will make fine head protection.What about this for smoke? Yes, that will make fine smoke.Hives
Bee hives.gI think worker bees are so nasty
only because they do all the work
and the Queen gets all of the other.â9But you know - a bit of romance -
a bit of soft lighting,8and maybe a little cup of
nectar shared with the drones,Cand I think worker bees could be
as nice to get on with as anybody. Or am I just talking rubbish?!All right. It was only a thought.JI'll get back to the game, then, if
you're so keen to always be practical.\I don't know - you try to add
a little bit of philosophical
depth and do you get any thanks? I think not."Hey, leave them there hives alone.8Anyway you need the right kit
before you mess with bees."That would only irritate the bees. I already have enough thank you."It's still the same wax as before.I don't need any more wax.I should light it first.&I should put on some protection first.&I should put on some protection first. I need to calm them down first.Bees Bees. Nature's little workers.%I guess we could all learn from them.You have to be kidding.'Good idea, but I should light it first.&I should put on some protection first.#I don't think they eat on the wing.,What do you want me to do?
Throw it at them. Rincewind#Tickling me won't get the job done.I should light it first.&I should put on some protection first. That won't keep the bees off me.@What I need now is some smoke to
calm the little blighters down.Flowers!How sweet. Lovely little flowers.)Just what the bees need to do their work.<Call me surly...
But I just don't feel like picking flowers.'That won't have any effect on the bees.Bursaré=The Bursar; a man apparently
unravaged by any sense of guilt,Potherwise he'd stop mucking about and give
me a little bit of help for a change!%I'm finished with him for the moment.GCome to think of it, the Dean's more
your stuffed flamingo sort of guy.MNo, I think that a wading bird would
definitely go better with the Librarian..I doubt that I could swap that for the mallet.Mallet8Malletus croqueus, or the
common spotted croquet mallet. 43ÿ╤ I can't just take it from him.DeanÇåThe Dean; Possibly the next best thing to
administrative staff a University could have
without actually hiring anyone who can do sums. Are you mad?-The shark definitely belongs with the Bursar.MalletMalletus spenduns!,The magnificent or "crested" croquet mallet! LibrarianHFunny. The Librarian never really
struck me as a "croquet" kind of chap.MalletMalletus punkus retro!0The "whooping" or "punk revival" croquet mallet!3I say - this is a good
spot for observing wildlife! SuffrajesterThe Suffrajester.-Doing what I can only call a tied-up routine.'I doubt that she would find that funny.DNice stake. Now even I'd be tempted...
If only it was in the ground.HoopOne croquet hoop.,Or, if we're being foreign, we'd say hoopla.1I don't think that I
should interrupt their game.*Perhaps when they're
gone would be better.Knob5There just had to be a knob
at the end of the course.1I can't reach it...
and have no desire to anyway.Maze8A maze? Oh please lets not
add this to our list of woes!;Let's just stay out here,
where everything's nice and calm.I'm already lost.%That won't help me catch the rooster.Rooster
A rooster._One of the few organic life forms on campus that
is almost definitely NOT an ex-faculty member.+Looks like I'll need bait to lure him down.%Damn. Nearly had the little blighter..If only I could make him less sure of himself.Pity I can't drug him.,Good idea. But how do I get him to drink it.5That won't help. I need
something to entice him down. Compost Heap'So this is the University compost heap?EEveryone always goes on about recycling
as though it's such a thrill!It's a load of rot!gI mean, think about it - you are
encouraging the breeding of a vast
mound of bacteria in your own home!:Surely the one in your sock
drawer is good enough for you?No way am I touching that. I have no need to plant that.
Bird house A bird house in the University?KI thought the Archchancellor had
ordered all the local wildlife to be shot? Oh no - that was the students!Well that's all right then.1Just so long as he wasn't
being cruel to animals.It's already occupied. I'd better not throw that away.I might need it.ImpAn imp.DSmall, offensive - and more than just
a little bit suspect, I think!HBut I must admit - his little
metal boots are rather neat. (#sniffs SFX)Not to mention smelly...7Try as hard as I could, I
doubt that I could catch him. 43Ç┌ That won't help me catch him. SuffrajesterDA "Suffrajester".
Aaaaah! Now that's what I
like about modern times.â"A woman is free to take her place,stride boldly forth,5and get totally ignored just
like all the rest of us..I shouldn't take advantage of a tied up woman.CryptA crypt?EOoooooh, I can think of lots of
good reasons to avoid going in there!&So let's not creep into the crypt, eh? Tombstone%What's this one say?
"Only Sleeping"? He's fooling no one but himself.&What? Defile somebody's place of rest!Not me! Tombstone2This one says: "Leave all deliveries on doorstep". Tombstone3What's this one? "If unattended, please ring bell".PickA pick.-Let's just leave it at that and not be picky.SawA saw.At last I have seen a saw.CoffinOooh, another coffin!TYou know, I think I'm really getting the
hang of this "object identification" thing!I can't reach it from here. Throwing that up won't help.Slab(A slab. Aha! Mounted beneath the coffin!(A sort of primitive anti-gravity system.!Nothing I could do would move it.CoffinA pinewood coffin.AActually, it's a little cosier
inside than is strictly necessary.ZAs tempting as it is to curl up in a coffin
and see out this game, one just must continue.&Putting that in the coffin won't help.LidLA coffin lid - like what you nail down.
Hope you never hear the hammering...,Now is not the time to
put the last nail in.GlassA drinking glass.7Now why would anybody have a
glass beside their coffin?8I have this strange feeling
that I should leave it here.&It could be an important plot element. It wouldn't fit in the glass.Teeth False teeth..Er! These things still have strawberry stains! MorticianThe city Mortician.3I wonder if this is what
he wanted to be at school?How do you learn?8I mean, do you start off
small, with goldfish and so on?é@I mean, it's a necessary job,
don't get me wrong, but it's...oh,Fit just doesn't sound like a number
one choice, that's all I'm saying./I've forgotten what started me off on this now.<I think I've been catching too
much of that embalming fluid.$I wonder if he caters for take away?Witch*Granny Weatherwax: A tough lady. this one.<Best to let her get the beauty
sleep she so obviously needs.9As she can't answer, there
doesn't really seem any point. Casanunda 43π BCasanunda: A twenty foot libido in
a body measuring four foot one. I wonder why he's so popular?8I suppose it's not what you've
got, it's how you use it.SlabLJust the thing - a cold hard slab of stone,
and what's more it's unoccupied.8I'd need a good reason before
I'd lie on that cold slab.<No way! Being declared dead
once is enough for any lifetime.$Putting that on the slab won't help. RincewindEven I don't look dead.7If only I could fool this old
guy into believing I was.5Poking me only serves to
prove that I am still alive.This should fool him.OIf it's low body temperature he wants
then it's low body temperature he'll get!HThat won't fool the old codger into
thinking that I haven't got a pulse.4I don't see how that will
lower my body temperature.MirrorOooh, it's all cold. I wonder what he uses it for?MirrorNow it's nice and warm.Bench,Just the thing for putting his equipment on.Bunsen BurnerA Bunsen burner.What is a "Bunsen", anyway?#And why would you want to burn one?!My hands are already warm enough. Heating that up wouldn't help.Knife1Hmmm. Reasonably sharp
and not to much goo on it.SlopsSlops.<Um - I don't think we ought to
examine this one too closely."I'm not putting my hands in there!PosterA poster. Aaaah![Neo-fauvist post cubist surrealism, I see....
Oh, wait a minute - I think it's upside down. Let's leave the scenery alone.JarsHmmm. Jars, eh?3I'd say somebody around
here has a pickling fetish."I'm already in enough of a pickle.Eyes6Oh - someone's left a spare
pair of eyes lying around./Well, at least it's handy
to keep a few spares.EI'd feel uncomfortable, as though
they were watching me all the time.Wardrobe8Can you imagine what horrors
that could be kept in here?Fortunately it's locked.That wouldn't help open it.Bucket6Guess this is the bucket
they all kick before they go.&Nope. 'fraid it's welded to the floor.TrollA troll.3Entirely made from rock,
but probably not as smart.He'd only end up eating it. Casanunda-Casanunda, the world's second greatest lover.1It would seem that small
things do go a long way.,He's only interested in ladders and women...%Not necessarily in that order though.Vampire 43lε 0One vampire. And a pathetic looking one at that.LI suppose you might classify him not
as "undead", but more as "anti-living".BAnd look at his teeth. I bet they'd
get the blood out of anything.)Strange though, I wonder if they're real.That's not going to help.<This is one character that
should be put back in his coffin.DrinkILooks like a Bloody Mary to me, with
the odd protozoan in it for flavour. No. I'd best leave it alone.DrinksWhat have we here, then?"Winkles Old Peculiar?" "Bearhuggers' Extremely Odd"?JIf that's gin over there, why does the
cork keep trying to unscrew itself?!I'd better ask the barkeep first.Matches$Yep. It's become a sort of standard.RFind a strange bar, and you'll almost
certainly find some matches in it somewhere.)It'd be easier if I picked them up first. Old WomanAn old woman.âOWell - I say old, but given the cruel
abuses of this dingy level of technology,Uthe possibilities of childhood malnutrition,
and debilitating diseases in later life,$that gives a fair range, doesn't it?;And even if she is "old",
I mean, "old" is a relative term.2She's older to some people, and younger to others.:Don't you think I'd better see if
she needs beeswax first."She's made enough candles for now.GDon't you think I'd better see if
she needs some dribbly beeswax first.FlamingoA stuffed flamingo.éEYes - well I'm not quite sure
what it's doing in an "adventure shop",bbut if you must have a flamingo,
then I suppose this is as good
a place as any in which to put it.FishsA stuffed fish.
Mmmmm - I can't say I think this
is the absolute best sales venue
for preserved sea-going wildlife.ékStill - if today was the day I wanted
to go into a combined camping and
weapons shop and purchase sea life,/then this would certainly be my choice de jour.Incense6Frog-scented incense.
Extra smoky.
Errr! Frog scented?In the middle of summer? These people are barbarians!Strange MachineA strange machine.gI don't know what it does, and I'm
fairly certain that I'll rest better
tonight for never having known.EMaybe it has something to do with
this being called a wandering shop.*I'm already lost. Let's not make it worse. Alligator One alligator: badly stuffed.4Well, every magical shop has
to have one, I suppose.Books;Books: The perfect resting place
for over-full coffee cups!%I'll have to get a few more of those!JarsJars.MYes - once again, a closer inspection
does in fact reveal that they are jars.<What's the matter - don't
you trust the written description?Mrs Cake Mrs Cake.AYou'd think a hat that size would
sap her strength, wouldn't you.ZI don't believe that she has asked
for any ectoplasm, but with her it
can be hard to tell. She needs something more gooey. Genie BottleA genie bottle, eh?CObviously a good home for beings of
the non substantial persuasion.#I'd better ask her about buying it.DummyA wooden dummy.+Hey, its arms are almost as dainty as mine. 43∞° >Try as hard as I could, I doubt
that I could break an arm off.,I doubt whether that
would have much impact. PetticoatA petticoat.
Ooooh! Silky!$But at least you can see through it. If you want to.
For any reason.Closet5A closet! Just the place
for the odd skeleton or two.Ironing board+An ironing board?
I never use them, myself. Crystal ball-One crystal ball, complete with test pattern.-Just snow. Guess I don't know how to work it.JarsaA good assortment of jars, containing all manner
of the latest accessories for the modern medium.&I don't really have any use for these.Scissors'Hmmm, a dress maker's pair of scissors.Skull#Sort of a sense of foreboding here.No, I don't think so.II have a nasty feeling that this skull
motif will come up a lot later on.DoorTHmmm, looks like the door to some secret
society or my name isn't Brother Rincewind.Dead Collector"So this is the Dead Collector, eh?5When I was a lad, I just
used to collect butterflies.+I suppose it's just a matter of scaling up.0It has to be declared dead before he'll take it.Cart!Oh lovely. A cartload of corpses.JStill, I suppose its nice to get out
for a bit of a ride in the fresh air.Hey you, leave them alone.2If you want to join 'em
you need to be dead first. Foul Ole Ron'So this is the infamous "Foul Ole Ron"?â=You know, there are some
personalities so stunningly horrid -!so utterly breathtakingly awful -^that they actually transcend
the mere physical frame of their
owners and stand out as an icon!1A banner of meaning with
a life all of their own.pThen again, there's also hundreds of
grubby old street people like this bloke,
who just make me want to scratch."I'm not in that charitable a mood.
Vile SmellA vile smell?An ambulatory vile smell?1Yes! Well - that's brought
some life into my day!)Even though his odour seems solid enough.,I doubt that I could catch it with my hands.=Well, at least I know that he
likes the smell of these boots.They'd make good bait.0You know, I think I may
be on to something here.-If only he had a reason
to go in this bottle."Great, I've just captured a smell..I wonder if I'll ever
be able to shake it off. Henry CoffinMHenry Coffin, famous beggar and the man
of a thousand nasty coughs and spits.=He can hit a spittoon at twenty
paces and I wish he'd try to.DuckmanThe Duckman, I presume.RI just don't know how anybody can live
with a duck on their head, and not know it!CanA coffee pot..Well, I say coffee, if you could call it that.KWhatever it is, if you drink it you'll
at least be dead, if not dead sober.QYou have to be kidding. Any more sober
and we bring down the rating of this game.1It'd have to be drunk
before I'd put it in there. 43 PotAn old clay pot. I wonder what
that was used for. Trolls HeaduWell, the one saving grace is that
the loss of the poor fellow's cranium
probably didn't interfere with his thinking./What! Walk around here carrying a troll's head?Cart1Well THIS vehicle has
certainly seen better days.6Possibly during the Jurassic
period - maybe Neolithic.3The cart's dead - like everything else around here.PosterLDo you suppose any of this stuff has a use,
or is it just background colour?/Stop trying to play with the background colour.Bird"One seafaring, fish-eating bird...9I hope he's not looking for
his dinner in the river Ankh.'At least not without a pick and shovel! I don't think I can reach him.Sorry, not long enough!(I don't think he would want to eat that!CaptainlWell, splice my timbers if it isn't
a nautical seafaring matelot, with
a yo-ho-ho and a deep, resigned sigh.7What do I need that for?
Show it to the Dead Collector.Ship-One ship; probable weight, four hundred tons. Probable top speed, three knots.KThe trouble with this sinking ship is
that all the rats have stayed aboard.1Looks like I have to deal with the captain first.Water+Mmmmm - I wouldn't go closer if I were you.`It's only called WATER because of
the position it occupies between
the river bottom and the sky.:Try and dive onto that and
you'll dent more than your hat!=I'm not swimming in that...
or walking on it for that matter.,What would I do with
a slice of toxic waste?Hammerhead SharkrA hammerheaded shark.
They're called hammerhead sharks, you know,
because their head is shaped like a hammer. See?ENow you can say you have used your
computer for educational purposes.It's stuck inside the net.FishA good assortment of fish.#I wonder if they're all undead too. They're all stuck in the net.NetOHmmm! Either this is a net or the moth
problem around here has got out of hand.)I don't think that I can undo it by hand.)They're not strong enough to cut the net.HookAaaaar Jim lad!KIf I want to do anything with the
hook, I'll have to get the net off first.HookAaaaar Jim lad!(Just the thing for hanging something on.CDespite what you may want I can't
really hang myself off this hook.2It wouldn't make sense to
hang that from the hook.Weight5Looks like a wrecker's ball -
but is it heavy enough?+Can you believe it?
It needs to be heavier. That won't make it any heavier.WeightgNow that's the ticket - the wrecking ball
to end all wrecking balls.
Actually what is a wrecker's ball?And why am I never invited?Wall Very knock-downable, that wall.<I should report them to the
better homes and gardens people. 43 5You know, I doubt that I
can just push the wall down.1Looks like we're sort of on the right track here./I doubt whether that would knock
the wall down. Snow Storms3Now that is a novelty.
Little Discworld snowstorms!Sign,"NOVELTY STUFF".
Now this looks interesting.GI wonder what they are, not to mention
what use they could possibly be.Now that would be novel.Pork;The image of pork...
that may exist sometime in the future.&Nothing like thinking ahead I suppose./What? Pick up something
that doesn't exist yet!Ice9I hope this ice isn't made
from that river water outside.%Nah, can't be.
It's the wrong colour.&I doubt whether I can move it by hand.&Good idea, but it's
not strong enough."That won't help break any ice off.GrateWhat a great grate.:Hey there's the milkmaid.
Quite a flattering angle really.Nope, can't move it.:I think she's had enough exposure
in this game, don't you?'I don't see how that can possibly help.BarrelsJust some old barrels. Nope. There's nothing in them.'Putting that in a barrel wouldn't help.GimletCGimlet:
Here's a dwarf who knows the
meaning of the word 'hygiene'.He thinks it's a greeting.;Still - at least his shirt front
can act as a sort of menu.Chilli>Chilli powder - compliments of
the High Energy Magic Facility.2Just being in the same
scene as it makes me sweat.TableUEither these are stains on the table or the
food is flatter than is usually the case.Menu*Ah! A menu. I wonder what they serve here. Let's see what we have here....â>Rodent in a bun -
rodent in a bag -
live rodent en brochette -=and stunned rodent cordon bleu
prepared in a white wine sauce+with shallots, truffles
and small potatoes.9Oh damn - they only serve
that one on alternate Tuesdays.Cafe@I wonder if this is that Cafe Ole
everyone keeps going on about?Umbrella7Ahhh. The latest trend.
A sidewalk cafe with umbrellas.7Next thing you know the waiters
will be wanting tips... I could sure give them a few.I don't need an umbrella.Count5Count Notfaroutoe: A vampire with social pretensions.GAmazing how vampires always have to
be wearing evening dress, isn't it.HI mean, it's not as if many people
are likely to invite them to parties.Countess$The Countess Notfaroutoe, I presume.#I'm glad she's a bride of darkness.,I'd hate to see her if the lights were on...Reg Shoe#Reg Shoe - a zombie with a mission.SI'd shake hands with him, but I might end
up with more fingers than I started with. Windle PoonsGood old Windle!]Still not quite getting the hang of being dead
- but I admire a man who can just keep trying! 43ê Bogeyman The world's shiest bogeyman.éFOh well - if you're going to have an
embodiment of childhood neuroses,`at least it can be one that you
don't mind inviting over for tea
and biscuits from time to time.Ixolite7A male banshee? Oh well, it
takes all kinds, I suppose.$I wish it didn't, but there you are.Closet<What do a bunch of undead
activists keep hidden in a closet?-Then again - maybe it's best never to know... Black Sheep#A black sheep? But he's a skeleton!&Ah, I get it -- he's died in the wool.$Er...this is a pun or play on words.*Go on, let the groan out. It's theraputic.>Not just yet. Maybe I could show
it to him later if I need to.&That won't help him find a new career.:That won't help prove that
his ancestors come from abroad.StonesgNo - no matter how closely you have
me examine them, I'm afraid they're
always just going to be stones.Hang on.RYou know, maybe this is one of those
interdimensional gates I've heard tell about.Castle Oh boy. A pretty fairy castle.AIf we hang around long enough,
maybe there'll be a lovely parade. Rincewind I obviously came through okay.All my pixels seem intact. I wish you wouldn't do that.+What do you want me
to do - dance with him?5Hmmm. Do you really want me
to be a horse's rear end?VThis is close, but I don't
think it's quite the type of
animal that would fool an elf.8Good idea, but I need a
partner for it to work properly.)Don't know why I have to be the rear end./What should I do with
this - eat it or wear it?:I don't think that will help
me get past those damn elves.ElfLAaaaah Elves.
Just think of all the things
they've given us - like...like...GLike songs that go Tra-la-la-lally.
Knitted caps dipped in human blood.+Wholesome traditions such as babysnatching.**sigh*
Ah, the beauty of the faery realms!'Shhh. I don't want to give myself away.IYou know I have the feeling that I
haven't brought along the right stuff.,I should be concentrating more on the queen.ElfâCIf I were a fairy tale stereotype
with nothing better to do all day@than pay homage to a self-obsessed,
psychotic maniac of a Queen,UI'd hope that I could wear my
misfortune with dignity, with
stoicism, and with pride.mOr, on the other hand, I could just
try moping about and looking sorry
for myself like this gothic fool here.ElvesElves: What a happy family.gMind you, I'm thinking of the kind
of family that ends holed up from
the cops in some canyon somewhere.Throne"The elf Queen's throne, I presume.CIf this upholstery could speak,
what stories it would have to tell.QueenAoooooooo-ga!Sometime later.'Will somebody remove that awful statue.QueenGNo, no, they say it turns you blind.
All, all right, I'll risk ONE eye.Queen Absolutely and definitely not!PIf I can't bear to look at her, what do
you think would happen if I touched her?Hey, it's not loaded.:Don't tell me I've come all
this way with an empty camera. Smile.
Say "children's blood". 43$ "I think once was enough don't you?'That won't help me capture her glamour.Point-Me-Own-Bone DibbjlahFunny, really, how you go thousands
of miles and meet someone who sort
of reminds you of someone else...ShopA colourful local shop.\And I've got just enough time
to stock up on a few billabongs
and get my jumbucks re-strung.7If I want anything I suppose
I have to talk to Dibbjla.BasketsBaskets.cTake a good look; you'll probably
be weaving these in remedial therapy
before you finish this game. I'd better ask Dibbjla first.Sticks#Ah. A bent stick.
How very amusing.+You kidding. Why would
I want a bent stick?SurfAh, the sea is restless.2I'm like that myself when
I've got sand in my bed.*A swim doesn't seem like such a good idea.+I could get crushed by all those big waves.4Not a bad idea, but the
legs seem to get in the way.6Damn, there must be some
way I can stay on this board. Rincewind5Hey, I think my pixels are
getting a little sunburnt.;Strewth mate, am I getting sick
of being poked and prodded.;What am I meant to do with this -
sit on it or stand on it?PI'm beginning to get the idea, but perhaps
trying it with water would be better.II'm surrounded by sun, sea and surf...
and you want me to play with this?BeachYI'm told the main component
of this type of sand is the
limestone shells of coral polyps.ÇÇWhy do people always feel so romantic about
walking barefoot through the pulverised
skeletons of little tiny dead invertebrates?I don't need any sand.Ant hill%Ah, the ant hill!
A marvel of nature.6Such complexity, such assured
instinctive engineering.dA whole little society blossoming,
evolving and growing right here
before our wondering little eyes.(Now lets go and find a magnifying glass!HI'm not picking up ants by hand.
Anyway I'd have to lure them out first.KNot a bad idea, but I have to actually
get the ants out and into something."The honey may come in handy later.9Now we're onto something,
but shouldn't it be full first.TreeHHmmmmm - Eucalyptus Cacaphonia Nervosa,
or the lesser whooping gum tree.gIt's a little known fact that
these trees actually hoot like owls
through the dark nights of midsummer.CActually, it might be that I'm the
only person who knows this fact.I'm already barking mad.Cave paintings^Primitive paintings of sheep,
preserved here just as they were
tens of thousands of years ago.aThey are, of course, doing just
exactly what sheep were also
doing tens of dozens of seconds ago."Basically, sheep are just sheep....I don't think that I
can actually remove them.!I'll have to make a copy somehow.!I'll need an imp loaded in first./That won't help me get
a copy of the paintings.Women Mystic temptress' of the East.'Not quite as I imagined them, actually.#So why do they get such good press?2I suppose they must have
a good publicity machine.Women#Whoops! Well, there goes Casanunda.?I'd watch what happens next,
but I'd probably be here for days.D'BlahD'Blah? 43- _Oh no... Why is it that the eerie
things in life have such powers
of replication and endurance? Uri DjellerVA piece of knotted-string in
the guise of a human man, wearing
the name "Uri Djeller".(Perhaps I should attempt to communicate?0Unfortunately he only straightens metal objects.)I doubt whether he could straighten that. Rock Seller8Oh look! It's a man selling
rocks for use at stonings...3Um...funny, this sort
of reminds me of something...&I think he's only interested in rocks.Vultures,A pair of birds just
having a good carry on!Carrion - get it? Oh, well, please yourselves...&I wouldn't catch them even if I could..I just wish that they
would stop following me.#Yeah, I know that's what they want.,But I'll give it back
to 'em in my own time. I wish I could throw it at them.
ProspectorA prospector, eh?Looking for this and that.UThey call it fossicking in this
part of the world, and you can't
get arrested for it.2I'll just hide and then
follow him when he leaves.What would he do with that?CamelFunny looking horse.%I'd better not fiddle with his camel. Saddle bagsA pair of saddle bags.[Paired, of course, so you can
lose twice as many articles as
if you were carrying a single.Hey look, a canteen.*Nothing inside.
The saddle bags are empty.#There's already something in there.2How would putting that in
his saddle bags help me?Camel1My desert steed!
A fine and mighty racing gerbil!Hitching railA hitching rail.1It's a piece of wood!
What do you want, a speech?No point really.Pyramid7Lo! Behold the majesty of
this tall stone pointy thing!9Who knows its mystic secrets!
Who cares? Not me, for one.Camels-Camels - or possibly
something else entirely.BI'm sorry - it's been a long day
and I'm starting to get confused.Office?An office. Yes - well, I'm sure
it must be of use to someone...Shop.Another shop. Local business must be blooming!StallHmmm - rocks for sale.&I'd better ask the stall keeper first.Rocks"This actually looks like iron ore.(Well, iron or something that isn't iron.Rocks$Designer rocks!
For the upper crust.;Bit of a geological pun there,
I don't know if you noticed?
Candy Rock3Candy rock - straight from
big rock candy mountain.XOooh look! Apparently this stuff
comes in coal tar, sulphur, and
new phosphate flavours! Stoning Area 43P7 A stoning area, eh?DOnce again, I get that strange
feeling that I've been here before...CamelNIt's a mammal; I'm afraid further definition
is currently a point of argument.GIf I must have one of these then
perhaps I should talk to the salesman.Camel@Well, whatever it is, it seems
to be composed mostly of knees...CameléLThe shuddersome thought, of course,
is that these creatures actually breed -6meaning that something actually
finds them attractive.SalesmanA very suspect salesman. Architect A pyramid architect. Hmmmm...9Obviously involved in one of
those pyramid sales schemes.Poster
Oh goodie!@This is the schematics on how
to make your own personal pyramid.ModelA scale model pyramid?FWell I suppose you could always use
it for keeping razor blades sharp.sFor one thing, you could probably grind
the razor blades to a nice edge up
against the sides of the wretched thing!(I don't think that I had better take it.ChartA chart of a pyramid. Gad! now there's a pointed clue!DI wonder if these things really do
change the speed of passing time?Nope, it's glued down.Hammer5There's nothing quite like
the heft of a nice hammer.é>It always fills the mind with
so many glorious possibilities -Mlike smacking the thing against your
own head and finally getting some sleep!Drawing boardoActually, since all pyramids are
the same, I wonder how often he ever
really needs to use his design equipment?8No, I'd rather just keep
returning to the drawing board.Plans@Plans and more plans.
Probably pyramid designs that didn't work.^No thanks. I've already got my own plans.
And they don't involve hanging out with you forever!Vultures1Now why are those things
following me everywhere?&I wish I could wring their damn necks.Stake=Now that's a wonderful stake.
Tall, straight - pure teakwood.AThese people certainly know how
to give bondage a sense of class!%Why would I want to have that stoned?Hole(A hole, begging for a stake I would say.It's to small. I just took it out of there.>Not a bad idea, but I'd need
a good reason to have her stoned.WallYes... I'm looking closer.UI think it's still a wall, but
we're still waiting for the
last few votes to come in.@Are you kidding?
I'm not going to be the first against the wall.RopeEI used to have a chunk of rope just
like that, back when I was a boy!*sigh*3It was called Sidney.
Sidney the piece of string...*sigh*Vultures Vultures - noisome but nice.!I have no desire to go near them. Bone IdleNBone Idle? I'm not quite sure that
I really appreciate that joke!
Say no more!,Why should I free him at
this point in time?)I don't think that will help me free him. 43,@ Skeleton Hmmmm. A skeleton on a stick!4I think there might be
marketing possibilities here! I'd better free Bone Idle first.Skeleton3"Dino", eh? Less meat on
him than a chicken nugget. I'd better free Bone Idle first.Skeleton)Bing? Funny sort of name for a scarecrow. I'd better free Bone Idle first.S.T. Ungulant A desert prophet. Oh lovely!]He's mad as a kite,
smells like a pot of earwig stew,
and just guess who gets to talk to him!éWhat?8Give my hard earned belongings
to a stark raving madman!Angus@Angus? Oh yes, of course -
Angus the figment of the imagination.dYes - I'm not quite sure that
I have the mental equipment to
handle this sort of thing right now....9Next you'll be having me
talk to invisible white rabbits."He has no need of material things.Vultures'Persistent little beggars, aren't they?Shoo! Get away! CartwheelOne cartwheel - broken.,What it's doing out here,
I just don't know.Makes a comfy seat though.It already occupied.VultureDHmmmm - vulturis vulgaris;
ninety percent beak to ten percent brain.!I'd rather not if you don't mind.VultureNice vulture.=Lets not get too friendly,
just in case it follows us home...I'm not touching him.
Rotten Arm<Hmmm, guess it's their lunch.
Looks like an old mummy's arm..Hang on. There's a ring
on one of the fingers.LDamn! Looks like I just can't take it
from them. They're to clever for that.6Almost fooled them!
Looks like I'm on the right track.7I doubt that swapping that
for the arm would fool them.Rocks Yes - they are indeed rocks.AHow they got here in the middle
of the desert, I just don't know.They're too heavy.Skeleton1This skeleton belongs to
the vultures, I presume.;This must be that carrion baggage
I'm always hearing about!I'd better just let it be.Water It's either water or a mirage.9Well, here's to a nice refreshing
glass of good hot sand.CNo time for swimming...
or for making sand castles for that matter.It already has water in it.I can't afford to lose it.Pillar Aha! A tall stone slabby thing! It's a pillar, not a pillow.PillarTAnother tall stone slabby thing!
They really went for that
ethnic look, didn't they! Sarcophagus4Oooh look. Someone's been
gift-wrapping dead people.It's already occupied.HieroglyphicsMysterious hieroglyphics. 43αJ [They say that if you stare at
these things long enough, they
begin to sprout talk balloons.MummyFThere's all sorts of obvious things
which could be said at this point;éilet us maintain our dignity and simply
say that this is the preserved and
embalmed body of a dead person,Band treat the situation with
decorum and respect for the deceased.GYou're waiting for me to say some
sort of crass punch line, aren't you?<Well, you're not getting it
from Mrs Rincewind's little boy.+If, in fact, she was MRS Rincewind, I mean.2I can't talk to him...
and I'm not picking him up.0So you'd better think of something else I guess. Be a bit more specific please.He's already dead.Bandage,Hello - there's writing all over this stuff! Gold shares, up thirty points.3Consolidated slave labour, up
seventeen. Hmmmmm....3I could have made a killing
if only I'd been there.2I'd only get tangled up if I tried to unfurl that.Not quite the right tool.Pot0Ooooh! A pot of glue!
I do so love sticky stuff!Tree%This looks like a good place to sleep>Maybe I could take a nap later -
when I've finished this game.PedestalDA pedestal. Hmmmm - I've always wanted
to be placed on one of these. It already has something on it.#Lets just leave the pedestal alone.Fountain#There's lots of sand in the bottom.;The water is spurting up through
a little hole in the base.QI can't hold water in my bare hands and
I'd only get wet trying to get some sand.GI can't fill it with water and I'd
get wet trying to fill it with sand.%That won't help me get water or sand.Sand2Sand. Well at least its
honest crumbled-up silica!$Not that dead polyp stuff from XXXX!$I need something to put it in first.2It wouldn't be wise to
fill the canteen with sand.That won't hold any sand.SetCheap and tawdry film sets.zSomehow, cardboard replicas of cheap
and easily purchasable tents seem to be a
good representation of this whole industry.8You have to be kidding. The whole
thing would fall down.CastlesAha! A mighty castle.
Actually, I'd find it more
impressive if it didn't keep
wobbling about so much in the wind...Entrance9Yep. It's an entrance, all right.
No disguising that one!SetCor! The magic of illusion.CityA mighty metropolis.:Well, either that, or another
one of those cardboard sets.Mail Box What's a mail box doing here?7'10' - Hmmmm, the house number
is starting to peel off.It's empty. No mail.&No point putting that in the mail box.Mail BoxWeight^Lovely! I haven't been crushed by a one ton
weight in - oooooh, let's see now - must be years!8Lets go and dangerously start
playing with it, shall we?Piano&Ohhhh! A big, heavy, dangerous weight.bLet's see if I can give you
Impish Light and Magic."I'd better just leave the sign be.Set Yet another cheap cardboard set.3Yes, I think I'm finally
getting the hang of these.Imp5Aha! There's one of those
little camera-dwellers now!!I'd better ask before I take one.Paint'What's the label on this paint can say?j"Special effects pigmentation company -
putting the pain into paint since
the Year of the Barking Clam..."CHmmmm, maybe it has a magical base.
I wonder what it actually does.@There isn't enough to use on me...
even supposing I was willing!,I better not. I don't know what it does yet. It wouldn't help to paint that.ImpAh! An inbetweener.JWell we all knew they couldn't use
real human beings for this kind of job.LWhat kind of lame brain could stand
the boredom and the hopeless management?ImpHmmmmm. An art drone.YA few more of them, and we can
start our own games company and
leave this lot for a lark.Imps/At least staffing doesn't
seem to be a problem.é It's just like I always say -Ymake a deal with the nethermost
hordes of hell, and the world
will be right at your door.Imp Hmmm, this one seems a bit lazy.#He doesn't appear to have much use.SetTAnother gorgeous special effects set;
painted without reference material apparently.Set,Hey, I can see the little blighter in there.*The cheeky devil.
He poked his tongue out!)I can't just walk into a set and get him!'Good idea, at least it would come back.1But I need to be able
to throw it in there first.EI need something that will go in
and then come back out with the imp. ApparatusThings. Dangerous things.!Dangerous things best left alone.#Can I possibly make myself clearer? I think not.TrainerEAn imp trainer. Now there's something
to liven up a curriculum vitae.Camera Ooooh! An impstamatic camera!Just add your own imp.Trailer"A Star's trailer.
Aaaaah, stardom!Ç£What is it that makes perfectly sensible
people leave their comfortable little
houses and clamber for the right to
take up residence in mouldy old caravans?0Could it be a bag of cash
bigger than your head?'It would be easier if I tried the door.Window So what's through here, then?KOooh! Well there's some amazing curves -
the glint and gleam of leather....ZThen there's those lacy things - I never did
know quite how they were supposed to be tied.OI'd describe what I see more fully,
but I presume you've all seen shoes before.!I couldn't squeeze through there.Door?Locked! Now that strikes me
as being suspiciously unfriendly...Nope, can't budge it.That won't unlock the door. 43╚^ DoorOoooh! Nice doorknob!Beam,Ah. A sort of low technology security chain.%I don't think that I should touch it.Office6A security office,
by the looks of it.
Thank goodness!ÇêWe can all rest in our beds safe in the
knowledge that this sad collection of cut-out
cardboard screen sets is safe from imminent theft.I'm not going in there.TrollA troll.PFifty percent violence
to ninety percent pectoral muscles
to five percent brain.oHe'd point out the mathematical
discrepancy himself, but he's still
waiting for his vocabulary to be delivered.3I can't just pull his tooth
out with my bare hands.He'd only end up eating it.%How will that help me pull his tooth?ChairEA chair. Oh good. I can use that
to bash myself unconscious later on.No time for sitting around.SetHYet another cardboard cut-out.
I wonder what this piece of trash is for?%Hang on, it's the set for my clickie!I better not go up there.Dibbler@Just what we needed.
Dibbler in "cut me own casting couch" mode.Death3Yes - I'm not sure this
is really quite his "look".DI better not disturb him at this time.
He's a method actor you know.'Although of what method nobody knows...Dwarf8A Dwarven woman.
At least - I hope it's a Dwarven woman.3You could at least remove
it from the finger first.3I doubt whether she could
make a costume from that.)How about using this in your new clickie?%That's not a piece of exotic jewelry. Chicken Suit Yes, that's right.
A chicken.6It's got feathers and goes cluck.
It's just a chicken.<Must we go through this
"close inspection"
thing every time?$No way! I do have some dignity left.
to be useful somewhere.'I'd better ask the wardrobe lady first. Frog Suit A frog suit.
My size to boot.TNo thanks, all I have to do is wake up
the Archchancellor and I won't need the suit. UnderwearALet's not get too closely into
examining that; people might talk. I think not.SuitsSuits. Not good suits.UIn fact - not even fashionable on any
alternate planes of existence, but still suits.'I wouldn't be see dead in those things.Suits>Aha! The suits you wear when
you're not really wearing a suit..I wouldn't even be seen undead in those suits.Armour#Not really very useful, I'm afraid.tThe only things that a suit of armour
would protect me against, I'm better
off running away from in the first place.)Nope. That's far to heavy for me to wear. Makeup GirlOur very own makeup girl.NI'd call her air headed, but local
gasses might take it as a bit of an insult. 43êg HI don't think Death would appreciate
being made up to look like a sheep!)That's not going to help me with glamour.Death1Death; fearsome spectre
at the exit of our lives.Nice to know he can unwind.5I don't think he's in
the mood for idle conversation.MirrorOoooh! Shiny!I'd only break it.Makeup None of it's quite my colour.3Anyway, my skin needs a
gentler type of foundation.*A better video card would do me more good.MilkmaidTThe Milkmaid - from rags to
riches to skimpy lingerie,
all in one fabulous lifetime.(Hey! Why should I give
her this diamond?(Here how about this for a little friend.You have to be kidding./That doesn't even deserve
to be my worst enemy.ChaiseA chaise lounge.?If you lounge about on them,
then why are they called a chaise?Or is it better not to ask?You'll have to wait.-The 'chaise' scene is
at the end of the game.DiamondsDLike they say: Diamonds are forever -
but oranges are for half time.[Somehow I think that the plot
calls for me to add to her
collection... not detract from it.MirrorSparkly! I wouldn't want to break it.HouseÇéHmmmm - since this whole realm is actually
an allegory of the collective imagination,
I wonder why Death needs such a sturdy roof?/Then again, maybe it's best just to never know.Stable A stable.BWell, I hope it's stable, otherwise
the horses will all fall down.GardenDeath's garden.%It's probably full of black broccoli.+Death seems like a broccoli kind of person.CornHFunny - I've never really thought of
Death as a home baking kind of guy.1I'd need a scythe to make
any impact on that lot. Ow! My back. My aching back.&I don't think that would cut the corn.SkullHmmm. A skull, eh? That makes it a topical topiary."Trimming the hedges is not my job.Skull Aha. A skull. How unexpected.SkullFYet another skull - I think I'm
detecting a slight trend in the decor. Bee Hives.The bees are all black!
How very cool of them!<I wonder if you can get
sunglasses with multifaceted lenses! What a short memory we have.4I'll need some head
protection and some smoke first.I'll just grab some wax.$I'd say that I'm finished with that. It'll need to be empty first.5I'll just sneak a little honey.
They'll never notice.%I'll need some head protection first. 43 q -This should do the trick. (#waves rag around)Just guessing are we."Perhaps we're closer than we know.%That would create way too much smoke. That's not going to help me.BeeséRBees.
I'd ask where their pollen comes from -
but I know they're going to flowers,]and I can hazard a guess at the colour of the
blooms - so let's just skip all that, shall we?You have to be kidding.,What do you want me to do?
Throw it at them. Rincewind#Tickling me won't get the job done.2Well at least it isn't
an under garment this time.&I should put on some protection first. That won't keep the bees off me.@What I need now is some smoke to
calm the little blighters down.PondBA jet black pond - and oooh look,
there's little white fish in it!!Little white skeleton fish in it.;Oh well - at least his
fishfood bills will be fairly small. No way. Who knows what's in it.+I doubt that the water is black enough yet.%This should really blacken the water.:I'd only get it wet, and
probably stain it in the process.PondA pond filled with ink.WNormally I'd worry about killing the fish,
but I think in this case, the point is moot.&No way. I'd never look the same again.&Now this really is blacker than black. I'd better not dye that black.Gnome+A little skeleton gnome. How... how quaint. I think he's beyond talking. Fishing rod!A fishing rod for a garden gnome.-Yes - no real accounting
for taste, is there?GnomeXYes, I think Death could probably do with
some serious advice about his choice of decor.$Talking to him would be a dead loss.BirdsOh look - dead birds!%The Archchancellor must have been by!CBest leave them alone. I've got
more pressing matters to attend to.Sun Dial A sun dial.<Hmmm. It doesn't seem to have
a... an - um - a pointy thing. You know - for casting a shadow..I can't even tell the time using an hourglass.Swing&So Death's got a little swing, has he?^I wonder if it's for the girl,
or whether he likes to have a
jolly little twirl of an evening?Susan"Death's grand-daughter, so I hear?Why would she want that? I'm not giving her that now!-I doubt whether she would find that exciting.Toy Cart6Hmmmm. Maybe someone's fixed
Death's little red wagon?Hey. Leave that alone you.HSomehow I don't think that there's
any way I can swap that for the cart.Pit A soul pit?>Hmmmm - I've heard of money pits,
but this is a new one on me!@Believe me I'm tempted,
who wouldn't be,
the way you're playing.!I'll need to aim more accurately. 43▄z !I don't think it even has a soul./He hasn't been reaped
by the Grim Squeaker yet.DotsHmmmm - Little dots.(Little dots each with six little legs...*Come on, they're almost in the next world.<I'd need something better
than my hands to entice them back.:Good idea, but what
should I do with it?
Throw it at them?&Don't you know anything about fishing?%Even I know that a little bait helps.<I don't think it's quite sickly
sweet enough to entice them.'Now what did I use earlier in the game? They'd probably just ignore it.Binky&Hmmmm - a high stepping horse of doom..Now there's something
you don't see every day!Are you kidding.ICan you imagine just how bony Death's
horse would be to ride bare backed.That's a good Binky. There, I think he likes me now. That won't make him like me.Saddle7Why does old "bony-bum" have
such a well padded saddle?&Is he frightened of chafing the horse?)Guess I need to win his confidence first.pDon't you just hate the way that
certain characters join forces with
game designers to make your life miserable?&Putting that on the saddle won't help.Saddle4A saddle smeared with glue.
Mmmmmm! Nice and sticky!%Actually, I could get used to this...)Guess I need to win his confidence first.-Why would I want to stick that to the saddle.StrawBits of dead grass.>I'd pick them all up, but then I'd
just be grasping at straws.Get it? Grasping at....,All right all right.
I apologise, all right?&Now you really are grasping at straws.Rope#Aaaah Rope! Breakfast of champions!Trough/A horse trough. A trough
for serving up horses.!Please, let me have some dignity.Anyway I'm not thirsty.HouseXDeath's homey little house -
complete with black walls,
black floors and black ceilings.<It doesn't start looking any
better as I get closer, either.7I can enter the house.
Maybe I can even climb on to it.!But I certainly can't pick it up.MatNA "welcome" mat on Death's doorstep
still doesn't give the place a homey feel."Hey there's a little key under it. There's nothing under there now.*Sweeping that under the carpet won't help.Door4So after all this time,
I'm finally at Death's door.;Funny, I always thought it
would be a more dramatic moment./I don't need a key to get through Death's door.ChimneyA chimney? How very odd.:Does Death actually need a
nice toasty fire of an evening?*For that matter - is it ever evening here?BI'd need a really tall ladder or
a grappling hook to get up there.:Guess we're sort of heading
down the grappling hook route. 43⌠â :Well once you've started
something you'd better finish it.FI could probably hit the chimney
with it, but what good would that do?*I doubt whether that will get me up there.Chimney'Looks like it goes down to the kitchen. I'm not the Hogfather you know.I don't deliver presents.Window'I can't imagine there's much of a view.7What exactly do you hope
to see in the domain of Death?The door would be easier.Flowers/Flowers; and oh what a surprise.
They're black.I don't need one.!Anyway it wouldn't suit my lapel.ClockBHmmm - and what a lovely brutal
"swushing" sound this clock makes!-Forget it. Time means
nothing in this domain.Umbrella standIt rains here?3Actually there's no umbrella...
Just an old scythe. NOW we're cooking with charcoal!"With this I really feel the goods. Nothing left in here of use. No point putting that in there.Golf bagKDeath's golf bag.
Yes - I'm not sure I want to
see what the balls are like.1The 'skull' clichΘ is
growing very old very fast.PI'm not really a golf sort of person.
Actually I'm surprised Death had the time.8The only thing it needs appears
to be a pitching scythe.CurtainNice black material.#This curtain's stuck fast in place!(That won't help me tug the curtain down.CurtainNice and black.This one looks more mobile.I can just tug it down.WindowAh! A room with a view.IAlthough what you'd want to gaze out
at around here is utterly beyond me.+Haven't been there.
Don't want to see that.Bed0Oooh! A comfy looking bed
if ever I've seen one.<It's nice to at last have a
room with a bit of colour to it.HForget it. Do you think they'd waste
memory on animation of me sleeping!Candles6Like everything else around
here they look artificial.ENo point really. They're just props
put there for background flavour.RI hope I don't need a candle, in which case
I'd have to figure something else out.Rabbit%A Bunny!
I wonder what it's used for.ToysKGirlie stuff. Nothing of real interest
to a tough macho wizard like myself.+No thanks. I'm trying to maintain an image.StringGWow, I've had to wait this long in
the game before I found some string.Marvels will never cease.Stove Does Death eat?
And if so, what?)No need. I can see that the oven's empty.EI've heard of buns in the oven, but
this is really taking it too far.Pot Belly StoveA pot belly stove, eh? 43£ì *Hmmm - about time this one went on a diet.'I shouldn't be trying to burn things...HYou never know, I may be able to pawn
them if you ever finish this game.Flue Ah - a fine figure of a flue.SSome flues are flimsy, but this one
has me flabbergasted by its fulsome fixtures...<I'm sorry - I don't quite know
why I was forced to say that.It's to hot to bother with.CandlesFLike everything else around here,
these aren't even real - just props.$No point really.
They wouldn't work.Oily Rag An oily rag.=This should be useful for
polishing glasses to a dirty smear.
Sugar BowlDeath's sugar bowl.ÇåThose who say you catch more flies with this
stuff than with vinegar obviously haven't
tried tasting Death's version of sugar lumps...TableOne sinister black table./Polished with sinister black beeswax, no doubt.No time to sit and eat now.Albert-Albert: An annoying butler-type of character.gHe's going to find himself in terror
of his suspended little life once
the new management takes charge!,Hmmm. Why would he be
wanting that just now? That won't help me become Death. That doesn't even have a soul.(Anyway I need one hundred of the things.Bells-The bells! The bells!
They never stop ringing'Sorry, I got carried
away for a moment.;Actually, you don't seem to be
able to ring them from here.Window%Ah. A lovely view of... view offff...>On second thought, why not just
look at a blank piece of wall.!It's sure to be much more scenic.#I think I'll just pass on that one.DeskMAh, Death's desk.
So this is where the big life
and death decisions are made.7I'll wait until I'm fully
qualified before I sit there.$It would spoil the neat arrangement.InkwellBAn inkwell, and it's full of ink.
The blackest ink I've ever seen.%There's not enough ink to do the job.ToyWow, an executive toy!I wonder what it does?Ledger,A ledger. All good public servants need one.I wonder what's inside.I'll just sneak a look.cLets see. The last entry is
'Fool and Chucky'. Hmmm, the last
column hasn't been checked off yet...'The previous entry says 'Skazz's ants'.BAt least they're all correct and
accounted for. Poor little souls.Cord Looks like a servant's cord.I wonder what this does?CandlesIThese candles are artificial, like
virtually everything else around here.$No point really.
They wouldn't work. These candles wouldn't light. Hourglasses5Each of these hourglasses
represents somebody's life.@Every grain of sand is a precious
moment never to be recaptured. 43╝ù 4Hmmm, I wonder what would
happen if you added water?7No thanks. I'd only end up
knocking the whole lot down.Shelf9A shelf of self-writing
autobiographies. How very quaint.Shelf.Shelves filled with
self written life stories.Shelf9Yes, I'm beginning to get
a bit of a theme for this room.BookHWait a minute - this biography's mine!
And it's been bloody remaindered! Some cheek!&Well if I can't take it, then who can?Book6A biography of somebody's
life... still being written.2Lets see what's happening now.
'ZZZZzzzz ZZZZzzz'.!Hmmm. Must be the Archchancellor.3I'd better not fiddle. I
wouldn't want to wake him.Book2Another biography in the
process of being written.OLooks like a big print version.
Must be the Bursar's...
or the game designer's./Lets just leave it be.
He's already mad enough.Book&Lets see. Whose is this?
Ahhh. Albert.#Now what does it say at the moment.a'Albert sits and takes it easy,
dreaming up more silly quests for
the little twerp in the dress.'2Just wait until I become a
real *bone-fide* Death.Then I'll deal with him.What's this one say?H'He scratches himself and wonders where
his next banana is coming from'./I'd best leave the Librarian's biography alone.;I have a feeling that his role
in this game isn't over yet.Alcove!Oooh! It's long... long and hard.Long and hard and shiny!CYou know, I don't often get to
feel them in this kind of condition!8Shelves, I mean.
I don't often feel
shelves in the dark.(Good idea, but I'd
only burn my fingers.*Good idea, but shouldn't
I light it first.I'd only lose it.Are you kidding?$Who knows what's
hiding in the dark?TabletsHmm. Old stone tablets.$Must from before paper was invented.#I'd better try and find a lose one.TabletégThis tablet isn't so much written in
pictographs, as bad stick figure
drawings describing pictographs -=meaning it's either a caveman's
biography or a graphic novel.)I suppose either one should do just fine.SkullZHmmmm - he made a dreadful Death,
but he might make someone a
damned fine desk ornament...6I doubt that a drink of
ordinary water would help him./There's no point showing
him his own hourglass.$It would only depress him even more. That won't restore his life.Bones9I wonder if there's any market
for xylophones these days?!I'd better leave his bones alone.?At least until the men in white
coats have chalked around them.HatqUgh! I'm sure that this hat must be in
fashion somewhere - which is the scary
aspect of the whole wretched thing. No point. It's blown to shreds.CorkCNew improvised "cork"; the accessory
with a million household uses!Poster 43(í Yet another poster.5Who keeps putting these
things up everywhere, anyway?Anyway who is Debbie?-And what exactly did she
do on the Discworld?&It's not going to be of any use to me.6What I need is something to
make them love my clickie.Poster'Forest Thump'=The tender story of a troll
brought up by a family of dwarfs.;Forget about the wallpaper.
Concentrate on the job at hand.Calendar A calendar.|I'd take a closer look, but since it's
one of Dibbler's, I don't think I want
to see who this month's model is likely to be.OI have no need to know what day it is,
or for that matter even what year it is.@What I need is more critical
acclaim for my clickie about Death.Device-Well obviously it's a...
an, um... a thingie!,No - wait, what's that
word I'm looking for.A wossname!
That's the one!*A prime left handed
reticulating wossname.!I need something to splice first.,Why would I want to
splice that to anything?This looks like it fits.0Good idea, but I need
something to splice it to.%Now I think I'm on to something here.3What if I splice in a few
shots of the Elven Queen?#Sort of *subliminal* you might say.-That should make them
sit up and take notice. Projector$A projector.
And it's mine!
All mineWaaaaa ha ha ha ha haaaaaa!;And look, it's operated by a crank...
no jokes, purlease...#I'll need to rewind the reel first. I doubt that needs projecting.ReelA clickie reel.,For keeping my precious film nice and fresh.I should rewind it first.CansCans full of old clickies.0I suppose it helps to
keep the nutrition intact.Nothing useful here.Cans+An assortment of old clickie documentaries.#Ahhh. The marvels of ants and bees.&They're probably crumbled away by now.CansTCans full of the sort of film you permanently
weld shut inside a big tin can. Savvy?4I wouldn't touch that stuff
without welder's gloves.MilkmaidZOh Dear. The Milkmaid: Big on blouse fillings,
and short on complex neurological pathways.)I think a little more subtlety is needed. What would she do with that?)There isn't any more room down her front.Dibbler_Cut Me Own Throat Dibbler;
The sort of itinerant merchant
venturer that gives greed a bad name.$Here, cut your own throat with this.2No thanks sir, but I'll
give you one pence for it./And at that price I'd be
cutting me own throat.
No thanks.Poster Hmmmm - 'Trolls Prefer Blondes'.%Why? Do they go better with broccoli? Let's not play with the scenery. 43t¬ &It may upset the
space time continuum.Poster4This one looks good -
'Attack of the 50 Foot Dwarf'.-Should go down a treat
with the local trolls..I can't just steal a
bunch of pixels you know.1Anyway, at this resolution
they're just to heavy!Poster1Forthcoming production -
'Death Becomes Himself'.ZI guess it'll be in pre-production for as long
as it takes you to finish all these quests.AWait until the end of the game.
It'll be a collector's item then.Grate+Did I say the one about "great grates" yet? Looks much to firmly stuck down.,Strange how you do your thinking in reverse!&They just wouldn't look good together.Sign0'Odium'.
What's an Odium,
and why should I care?5What? You want me to walk
around carrying a big sign!Crowd;Look at that lot; like a
school of guppies at feeding time.BI get confused talking to anybody
in this game, let alone a crowd.Granny4Now, Granny isn't the sort
who suffers fools gladly.4As a suffering fool myself,
I'll go along with that. Take that thing away young man.BroomAha! A broom.tI've heard of the theory behind them,
of course - but there's usually by-laws
against apprentice wizards using them.0Leave that alone. It's
not for the likes of you..I don't think I could
swap that for the broom.Broom:Now we're cooking.
I've always wanted
to try one of these.RavenPretty Polly!2I'd best leave it alone.
Granny might get jealous.#Throwing that wouldn't help at all.Death of Rats:The Death of Rats:
now appearing at a plague pit near you!I'm sick of talking to him.That would be cruel.DibblerMy old mate Dibbler.ZIt is my ultimate aim to convince him to sell
himself off to the army for target practice.*He'd only put it inside a bun and sell it.WindleUndead, but still trying.#He'd only want to take it with him.TowerA-ooooooo--gah! Sorry, got carried away again.BI do hope the little fellow's okay up there.
I'll rescue him soon. I can't just climb up the wall. That won't help me get up there. RincewindNYes it is still I, and I have survived
all the way through to the final scene. Despite your attrocious playing.7Even in the last scene..
You just can't resist can you?BWhat do you want me to do with that -
fly away on it or something?Candles?Not just your ordinary candles...
No we need *dribbly* candles.I already have this item.0The only way to get it is to go out and find it.SmellOne smell - vile. 43▓ SticksThree sticks. Must be exactly the same length. Mouse Blood Four cc's of mouse blood. Ergh!. Glitter Dust4Glitter dust? Maybe I
could shake down a few pixies?DocksQWhere water meets land...
although in this case it's
hard to tell which is which.Ship)Looks like the only way out of this town.Shades Ah. The Shades, I know it well.oAn area where curiosity not only kills
the cat, but also weighs it down with
bricks and tosses it in the river.GimletsQJust the place if you're after a quick
snack of rat between two pieces of rock...With ketchup of course.Cemetary!A sort of rest home for the dead.Unseen University5The home of the mightiest
wizards on the Discworld...And of course me! Fools' Guild(Used to be one of the more jolly Guilds.&Now look at it, just a pile of rubble.Plaza9The focal part of town.
Where the new clickie theatre is.Shop.Funny, I'd swear this
shop wasn't here before. Ankh-MorporkEThe greatest city on the Discworld.
All roads lead to Ankh-Morpork...#Or was that away from Ankh-Morpork? Holy WoodEA place where false dreams come true or at least be put on celluloid.XXXX-Ahhh. 'XXXX'. A land of surf, sand and flies.
DjelibeybiDjelibeybi - good name.1I wonder if it describes
the place or the people.Pyramid/Tall and pointy. What
possible use can they be?)I can't just walk there through the sand. Cartwheel<Not really much you can say
about a cartwheel in the desert.Oasis0I sure hope it's not one
of those mirage things.Hill*Obviously where the undesirables hang out.Fountain of Youth4It'll sure make a change
from bottled mineral water. BonestockA folk festival for Death?"What ever will they think of next?Forest!The gateway to the elven kingdom.Candles3Candles. Excellent!
These should do the job nicely.7Nope. Can't reach them.
I'd better as her first anyway.SawA saw.At last I have seen a saw. Stunned Bird:I've heard of stunned mullets,
but never a stunned mallet!Unseen 43α│ AltarDiningHiEnergyGardenAnkhUnseenComputerHiEnergyUnseenSeaMapUnseenUnseenFoolsShadesDocksCemetaryPlazaAnkhCryptCemetaryCoffinCryptShadesShadesAnkhAnkhShadesAnkhGimletsUndeadMortuaryMrsCakesTrollBarAnkhSeaMapSeaMapToPork Fools' GuildGrateToPorkSewerToPorkSewerGratePorkShadesShadesFilm SetSeaMapCastleStonesThroneCastleDiscmap Holy WoodSurfingBonedie RestoreSceneSeaMapCamelsStoningMapMakerDjeliDjeli 43╠╡ DjeliSeaMapSeaMapSeaMapPyramid InteriorSeaMapSeaMapFountainSeaMapSeaMapWardrobeMakeupTrailerFilmsetBacklotPlazaBacklotBacklotBacklotHouseStableGardenConcertDeathDeathDeathHouseBedroomStudyKitchenLibraryHallwayHallwayHallwayAlcoveLibraryAct 3 end cutSeaMap Act 3 endTheatreTheatreOdiumDeathTowerAnkhPlazaTheatre ProjectorOdiumPlazaDocksAnkhDjeliCrucifyMummyOasisFountainBacklotStonesOnStageBonedieBonedieKingKong End of Game 43╠╛ Tower RestoreSceneDiningKey?A key to Death's door?
Hmmmm... Shouldn't it be a skeleton key! Feels like an average key to me.The key can't open that.Bladders$Animal bladders.
Empty and deflated.I'm not blowing into those.#I can't put that into the bladders.Bladders"Animal bladders filled with water.!We could be on to something here.#Wow. All smooth, round and sploshy.It would probably burst it.Bandages1Cloth Bandages.
My mummy gave them to me. Honest!9I'd wrap myself up if only
there were enough to go round.%That's nice. One bandaged wooden arm.&Wrapping that up won't really help me. Boomerang-A boomerang attached to
a long piece of rope.QAppears like overkill really.
This thing always came back
without using the rope.'Tying that to the other end won't help.BeeswaxFinest beeswax.5Ok, maybe not 'finest' -
it's usable beeswax, anyway. Strange texture, very malleable.$Waxing that wouldn't do it any good.BeeswaxSinister black beeswax.jMmmmmmmm - I'm not exactly sure that
it's a commercially viable product,
but still, it's very atmospheric.!Very malleable... and very black.3Perhaps something a little
finer would work better.'Mixing that with the wax won't help me.Dribbly BeeswaxNAh! Dribbly beeswax.
Makes up in "free spirit"
for what it lacks in stability.0Similar texture to the real thing. Just runnier.MFor all the good that waxing it would do,
I might as well spit on it instead.BellowsTBellows. Strangely soothing to operate,
but I don't know if they'll ever catch on... That doesn't need any air added.Stick A kind of bent stick-type thing.4These things should come
with an instruction manual! I'll get rid of this thing yet.1You know, I think I've
seen this in the clickies.That won't help at all. Boomerang&A boomerang covered in that SFX paint.I'd better not touch it.)I don't want any of the paint to rub off.Brick3A housebrick.
Hmmmm. Nice heft - good aerodynamics.PThere's nothing quite like a good, solid
brick to bring out the artist in a man!1Basically it feels just
like a brick should feel."That doesn't go well with a brick.Haunted Brick6A brick haunted by my old
pals Chuckie and the Jester.#Yuk! They feel all cold and slimey.=I think they're happy enough
haunting the brick without that.Brochure)A brochure about do-it-yourself clickies. 43ä╚ -Hmmm. Be a clickie director in 10 easy steps.,Make a clickie about your favourite subject.!Dibbler Direct will show you how.0I think the brochure is self explanatory really.Camera<An impstamatic camera - badly
in need of an imp to power it..Hmmmm. What's this?
Feels like a little easel.!Now we're ready to take pictures.-That's not what this camera needs to operate.CameraMy own camera!KNow all I need is a slide projector,
and a new reign of terror could begin!'Better not touch it.
It probably bites.Don't feed the imp!Candle#Now that's a sinister black candle.é1Should look good on a
sinister black coffee table6next to a sinister black
"Hovel Improvement" magazine.$It won't just light itself you know.That won't light it.
Lit Candle A blazing sinister black candle.NYes.... Why is it that sinister black
candles always give out such poor light? It's miserly! That's what it is!4I mean, there's so little
point in sulking about it.NYou're a candle! Burning slowly down
into a puddle is what you're meant to do!Ouch! It's hot.Burning that wouldn't help.
Candy Rock'Candy rock. And I do mean candy "rock"!TAs in if I eat it I'll be
sipping milky tea through a
straw for the rest of my life. Feels too hard to actually eat.'Paper wraps rock.
Rock blunts scissors.I guess rock wins.2The candy rock does not
want to be used with that.CanteenWater.:Well, it's wet,
runs downhill,
and you can see through it.&What do you want,
a chemical analysis?No thanks.
I'm not thirsty..I doubt that adding water
will make that grow.Canteen3A canteen full of water
from the fountain of youth.ONo thanks. The last thing
I want is to live forever
through one of these games.5I doubt that adding water
will make that any younger.ChilliChilli powder.élI'd taste-test this stuff, but the
animation budget won't stretch to a
proper demonstration of the results -Bso you're just going to have to
take it on faith for this one, OK? Just touching it makes me sweat.-That doesn't need to have chilli added to it.Poté&A hand-made clay pot,
currently empty,Fwith the maker's mark
lovingly inscribed in
teeth marks along the rim. Nothing in there. It's empty. I can't put that in the pot. Honey Pot2A clay pot, full to the
brim with delicious honey.Oooh! All sticky and yummy.$The honey would only make it sticky.HooterA clown's hooter.#Now I can blow my own horn at last.'Good idea, but how
would I stick it on. There we are.
One sticky hooter."That doesn't go well with hooters.Cork 43╤ A cork. Better in than out, as they say.Feels all corky to me.-It doesn't have anywhere
to plug the cork in.Corn*Dibbler's 'do it your self' banging grain.#No refunds,
no returns,
no regrets!'Feels like plain and simple corn to me.Alcohol soaked corn.-This should give something
a decent hangover.-Mixing that with the corn won't do much good.(Do you really thing I'm a cereal killer!CornCorn soaked in alcohol..The cereal that goes snap,
crackle and hiccup!I prefer my corn straight.*What are we trying to do?
Make a cocktail?+I think the rooster's had enough don't you?Hoops3Eight Croquet hoops.
Made from bent pieces of wire!DNope. I'm afraid they're far to
hard for me to bend back into shape. That won't do anything for them.Wire"Eight pieces of straightened wire.%Nope. I can't do anything with these.1What? Would you like me
to poke the wire into it?MalletBAt least this quest is underway.
I've got one stick to start with. Feels just like a mallet to me.+This doesn't help.
I need more of the same.Mallets.Two sticks.
Now I really am getting somewhere..I could try rubbing them
together if you like? Nope. I need one more stick.Mallets(Quest completed!
Three identical sticks.Now we're cooking.-Perhaps you would like
me to learn to juggle?2Leave well enough alone.
I've got my three sticks.CurtainIt's curtains, all right.Feels nice enough to wear.-Not a bad idea, but I'll
need more ink first.4Wrapping that up in a curtain
won't do me much good. CertificateKA death certificate.
Now that I'm decently dead,
I can get on with my life!:Feels like a piece of stiff paper...
strange smell though.:I've been declared dead. Lets
not meddle with it shall we.
Hour-glass)Odd. Why does "Death" have an hour-glass?(A little redundant I would have thought!"Gee. There's hardly any sand left. Does that look like sand to you?ToothIA diamond tooth. Just the thing to
bring a gleam into a wee girlie's eye.Feels like a diamond to me./The tooth doesn't want
to be friends with that.Dribbly CandlesDribbly candles!"A masterpiece of modern craftwork. They feel all nice and dribbly.-I don't think I'd better light these candles."Lets just leave the candles alone. Ectoplasm 43H█ .Ectoplasm. At least -
I hope it's ectoplasm... Ergh... You have to be kidding."Sliming that wouldn't help at all.FilmFilm of the elf Queen, eh?1Hmmm - we'd better get a
big screen for this one.9Basically it feels smooth with
little holes in the edges.5What do you expect... some
of the glamour to rub off?Reel'This reel contains my very own clickie.'I'd better be careful not to damage it.;That won't turn it into something
the audience will go for.Film"A film of Neolithic sheep artwork.XYes - not particularly interesting,
but I still feel there's an
award in this somewhere.:Who might want proof that sheep
come from a long way away?BFeels all smooth and strange...
with little holes along the edges.$That won't do anything for the film. Fishing Rod+A fishing rod. With a nice hook on the end.jBy the way, although I am wearing
a pointy hat, any "garden gnome"
references will be taken most unkindly!'Feels like a hook in need of some bait.>Well it does fit, but perhaps
if there were something in it....I might catch a horse,
but that'd be about it.=Should I ever need to catch a
vampire cat I'll give it a try.)Even Dibbler sells better bait than that. Fishing Rod&A fishing rod baited with black honey.>I sure hope you don't expect me
to go fishing for black bears!#Let's just get on with it shall we.7Fishing around with that won't
produce much of a catch. Genie BottleAn empty genie bottle!NThree wishes and whoosh, he's off into
retirement, what kind of a job is that?*Actually that sounds like a very good job!5Nope. It's empty...
and I certainly can't fit inside. There we go. A nice snug fit. That won't fit in the bottle. Genie Bottle.A pair of Imp's Boots
inside the genie bottle.0Not quite as impressive
as a little ship, is it?6Now that the boots are in
there, I can't get them out.#There's already something in there.
Vile Smell'A foul smell trapped in a genie bottle.-Guaranteed to not grant you any wishes, phew!I'm not touching it. The smell wouldn't want that. Glitter DustGlitter dust, eh?,Well I'm sure this
will come in very useful.Oooh! That feels good.<It'd take more than a little
glitter to make that look good.Hammer8Aaaah! A claw hammer always
give a man a sense of power.*Where's them there poor defenseless nails!3Yeah right. Should I hammer
some sense into myself. The hammer would only damage it.SharkA hammer headed shark.pActually, if you were intent on being
a terror of the deeps, wouldn't you
consult with a cosmetic surgeon first?It feels all wet and fishy.4Let's use the fish to
actually get somewhere. Right."I'm not feeding that to the shark. 43ΦΣ
Horse SuitA pantomime horsey suit.LHere! It smells like someone's been --
well, it smells, if you get my drift.*Well it certainly feels like it would fit.3Looks like it'd fit, if
only I could stick it down.QGood idea, but I'd best apply
it to whatever I intend to
stick to the horse suit. There we go. One unicorn suit.'That wouldn't fit properly in the suit.,That won't help turn it into a unicorn suit.IceA great big ice block!4Now all I need is a martini
the size of a bird bath.)It'll only melt faster if I touch it now.6That doesn't need to be any
colder than it already is.Imp<Small, offensive, looks like a
road accident in a bag - yep!It's an imp all right!0Touching imps is something
I would rather avoid.He'd only eat it.BootsBoots taken from an imp.'Look,
observe,
but pray do not smell... Too small for me I'm afraid.!Good idea. It may hide the smell.$The boots don't really go with that.Incense Incense.
Hmmmm - frog scented!6I could try rubbing two together.
I could but I won't.,I doubt whether that will light the incense.Incense3New improved burning incense:
toasted frog scented!I'd only put it out. Let's leave well enough alone.Ink Well Well well well.
An ink well.#And it's so absolutely pitch black.3I'm not touching that. My
fingers would turn black.9Good idea, but alas there is
not enough ink to go around.!The ink would only turn it black.Ironing Board5An ironing board might have
a dozen fascinating uses!@And as soon as I've figured one
out, I'll get right back to you.Hmmm. Long and smooth.5Applying glue to an ironing
board makes little sense.0Why do I suddenly feel
like I'm in a sports sim?2I'll need an iron if you
want me to iron that out.JingleA horrible little jingle.Oh gosh, not again.'I'll never get the
tune out of my head! Feels like old parchment to me.RNothing would go with this jingle...
except of course an equally horrible clickie.LaddergA ladder. Long and solid - just
the thing to beat myself unconscious
with and finally get a bit of kip!.Nowhere really to climb to inside this window.OThe use of a ladder is pretty standard.
Please don't try and confuse the issue. LibrarianJMy old friend the Librarian - who,
quite frankly, smells like a giant ape.JFeels like your everyday
run of the mill monkey...
oops I mean orang-utan.Hey, he took the front end!He'd only eat it.Tablet7A life tablet.
Oooh look! It even has a comics section!1Hmmm. Feels like little
scratchings in the stone. 43äε /It's just a stone tablet.
Let's leave it alone.Magnet\A magnet. Evidence of a frightening world of
physical forces that I'm quite happy to ignore."Oooh. It makes me tingle all over."Nope. Guess they aren't attracted.0Sure. There seems to be some sort of attraction. But what good does it do me?MatchesXMatches. Normally I'm not allowed to play
with these, but today we'll make an exception!:Strike a light. I'd only set
fire to the inventory window.I'd better not light that. Setting fire to that won't help.MirrorA mirror!
Ooooh! Shiny! Who is that handsome chap in it? Hmmm. Feels quite cold actually.I'd only burn myself.$It'd probably only break the mirror. Money Pouch=My money pouch. Overflowing
with a vast wealth of gold coins.<Well, when I say over-flowing,
more a slow trickle really...0and vast wealth is a
purely subjective phrase...7and when I say gold, more
gold'ish than gold I guess...(Oh all right, I have a few copper coins.Are you satisfied now! Feels just like money to me.>You can't just throw money at
something and expect it to work. Mousie!!!VMousie! I will hold him and cuddle him
and name him George - or something like that...COuch! Hey he bit me!
Wasn't it supposed to be the other way around.2I'll need this after I've got some blood from him.!That won't help me get any blood.RagFYuk. This has to be the greasiest
and oiliest rag that I've ever seen.Ergh! It's all oily.,This rag couldn't be used to clean anything.WeightA one ton weight.,Or, to put it another way,
a one ton weight.'Remarkable. It doesn't feel that heavy.*There we go. We now
have a ten ton weight. That won't make it any heavier. PetticoatIA Petticoat. Such thin
and delicate material,
I can see clear through it!=Perhaps when we've finished the game.
Then I might try it on.*Petticoats work better with people really.Picnic BasketdA picnic basket? Top ho! I'll go
find the infamous five, and we'll
go off and have a real adventure!Feels empty to me. That's not really food, is it?Picnic Basket"A hamper filled with scrummy food.#I've got no right to eat the props.Sorry, it's already full. Ant SoulsA pot full of ant souls.;There must be at least one
hundred of the little blighters.5Spooky. Even the souls of
ants still feel all creepy.EI think these little souls are past
caring about something like that. Sugar Pot(Formerly full of sugar, currently empty. Completely empty I'm afraid.$It probably wouldn't fit in the pot. Honey Pot 43ä≈ 6A pot of evil black honey.
As made by evil black bees.Thick and sticky. I hate to know what I'll catch.#Coating that with honey won't help.Glue0Embalming glue. Guaranteed for a thousand years.,If it doesn't, you can go back and complain.7If I played with that I'd
only stick my hands together.One sticky hooter.*That would make it
hard to get in and out. Now I won't fall off so easily.)There's no point in putting glue on that.PyramidA scale model pyramid..Perfect for keeping scale model mummies fresh!,I haven't time to sit under it and meditate. Good idea. I might try that.Hey! It looks older!Plans%Plans on how to make a model pyramid.JUseful stuff if you ever need to
start a business sharpening razor blades!4Good idea, but they'd need
to be straightened first.3What? Do you want me to
make a pyramid out of that?Reaper$My special patented reaping machine.#It feels like it should do the job.No point reaping that.RingSA ring. Aaaaah, and still drifting with
the mystic eastern scent of plague victims.(Smooth and round.
Nothing unusual there. The ring wouldn't fit on that.Robe9A black robe. De rigeur for
your actual spectre of death.$Feels a bit wet and sticky actually.II think we know what the robe's for.
Let's not beat around the bush here.Rooster One rooster, totally plastered.That won't sober him up.Rooster One rooster, cold turkey sober.3Lets leave him alone. He's
already suffered enough.RopeA length of rope. Sort of like string on steroids!(Yippee! Let's tie ourselves up shall we.6This rope is to short to
be of use with the boomerang.RopeA very long length of rope.1Just like a short rope,
only - you know - longer.2I'd only end up tangled up...
that rope's so long.1You know, I think I've
seen this in the clickies.2Tying the rope to that
won't make anything useful.
Rotten ArmA rotten arm.xMaybe we can start up some sort of trust
fund, or a charity - you know, donate
excess body parts to them what need them.0Arms for the poor?
It might just work, you know!!Nope, nothing else of value left. Just rotten meat and bandages.$I had enough trouble getting it off.4Please let's leave the arm
alone for the time being.
Rotten Arm2A rotten arm. Oooh, and
with a ring on one finger!"Well at least he went in style....$There we go. One ring. Djelibeybian. 43▄ $That won't help me get the ring off.SawOh no! Not that old saw! Ouch! Those teeth are sharp."Sawing that in half wouldn't help.ScissorsA pair of Scissors.CActually, I'm not usually allowed
to use the ones with pointy ends.%I've just trimmed my nails thank you. I'm afraid I can't cut that.Scythe@Ooooh! A scythe!
The right tool for the
right job, I always say. Now let's go chop some wood.9Ouch! I suppose it has to
be sharp if it is to cut souls./I think I can wedge the scythe in at the front.;Don't you think I'd better show
the scythe to Albert first?(Reaping that won't advance the plot any. Burning RagWow. Talk about smoke.No, it's hot.Smoking that won't work. Snow Storms:Oooooh, pretty! Little glass
snow scenes of the Discworld.Pretty. Oh how pretty.+I don't think it would fit in a snow storm.StakeéjA stake. It might be better if it
were lovingly wrapped in bacon,
lightly fried, then brushed with sauce -?but food doesn't seem to feature
largely in my life these days.$Long and sharp. What more can I say?+I doubt that I could plant a stake in that.StringA piece of string.+One of the building
blocks of our universe.&Just feels like ordinary string to me.Now we're cooking!9Tying that up won't do me much good...
even if it is fun. Stuffed FishA stuffed fish?bWell you'd be stuffed too if you'd
had your innards replaced with
old wool bits and cotton scraps.4I'd better not poke it to hard.
It might burst. Yuk!2Even if the fish were alive,
it wouldn't eat that.FlamingoA stuffed pink flamingo.BActually, they say flamingos turn
pink due to eating pink shrimps.é0Since shrimps only go pink
after they're boiled,_I think the reason for our friend
birdie's demise is starting to
become more and more apparent.0What can I say.
It's well... stuffed, I suppose.&It's already stuffed to near bursting. Suffrajester9The suffrajester, still in there
and protesting like mad!FI wonder how it feels to be swallowed
by an ambulatory pearwood trunk?USeems to have helped clear up her complexion,
actually. I might give it a try myself!"It's bad enough poking fun at her.CThe woman is tied to a stake.
What could she possibly do with that?Sugar:A bowl of sugar cubes.
Well - they're cube shaped, anyway.2I can't however recommend
trying them in your tea. They even feel like sugar cubes.@I doubt whether sugar cubes would
make good bait for anything...*Well other than horses and game reviewers.!The sugar won't sweeten that any. SurfboardSurf's up! Kowabunga dudes!8I have no idea what that means,
but it sounds right! Yo!,Feels long and smooth.
Just needs water now.3Okay now we're cooking.
Let see me fall off it now! 43< ,That won't help me stay on the board longer.Toy Cart A toy cart!éCNow all we need are some
teeny weeny oxen,
some teeny weeny people,+and we can start a
teeny weeny wagon train!?Feels just like a cart, but maybe
I could make something of it.)I think I can wedge this in at the front.;Don't you think I'd better show
the scythe to Albert first?$Putting that in the cart won't help.TankardAaaah! A tankard of ale.TWell - sort of ale, anyway,
if you forgive the busy little
creatures swimming in it.!Oh look! Some of them are waving.`No, I refuse to drink any alcohol in this game.
Getting through the introduction was bad enough.Alcohol soaked corn.-This should give something
a decent hangover..Soaking that in alcohol won't help in any way.Sticker$A sticker with the number ten on it.>A million household uses, no doubt.
Just have to wait and see!@I doubt that sticking that on
myself would make me a perfect 10.*There we go. We now
have a ten ton weight.0I doubt that sticking a
'10' on that would help.Ten Ton WeightA ten ton weight.)Well, we can claim it's a ten ton weight.;Don't worry too much about
the physics. It's only a game...,Funny, it doesn't actually feel any heavier.-I think it's already
heavy enough, don't you?Testtube A graduated measuring device.;Putting my finger in the test-tube
doesn't accomplish much.Measuring that won't work.Testtube+A test-tube containing
4ccs of mouse blood.6I'm not touching that. You
never know where it's been.:Pouring the blood over that
won't help me solve this game.Key.The key to a trailer.
Hmmmm! Lavender scented! Feels just like a key to me.&What? Does it look like a door to you? Unicorn SuitMy very own unicorn suit.)A bit too big for just
me to wear though!Yep. To big for me alone.Hey, he took the front end!:I don't think I'd like to
share my unicorn suit with that.MouseHmmm. An undead mouse.4No way. He might bite me
and turn me into a vampire.I think he's past caring.Teeth All the better to bite you with.Ouch! They're sharp.I'm not biting into that.Teeth?A set of vampire false teeth -
recently used by the look of it.#Feels more like blood than ketchup.$That won't help me measure out 4ccs. Wading Bird!One slightly stunned wading bird.7Not surprising, the way it
dived 'onto' the river Ankh.KNice soft down. Better than what's
in my mattress - whatever that might be. It's to stunned to eat that.Broom 43╘ "Your typical flying witch's broom.,Looks like it's past its 1000 mile warranty.$Wood and straw. What more
can I say?2This broom's for riding
and lets leave it at that.
Wooden ArmA wooden arm.%Doesn't look very life-like, does it?#Feels hard... and wooden I suppose.%That's nice. One bandaged wooden arm.'It's not in any condition to hold that.Bandaged Wooden Arm Hmmm - a bandaged wooden arm.$I'm not sure that it will ever heal.#Don't poke at it.
It'll never heal.WSince you've created the damn
thing I would have thought you'd
know what to do with it.Bunny7How cute. A little bunny
rabbit for putting pyjamas in.I wonder what's inside.Leave the bunny alone.Bunny0A cute little bunny rabbit -
minus the stuffing.Empty I'm afraid.)The bunny rabbit isn't made to hold that.PyjamasA nice lacey nightgown.Feels like lace to me.6I doubt that it would look
good wearing the nightgown.KnifeA sharp cutting blade.Ouch! Yep it's sharp.Cutting that won't help me. SurfboardTSurf's up! Kowabunga dudes!
I have no idea what that means,
but it sounds right! Yo! That's better. Long and sticky.$No point sticking that to the board.Hooter/A clown's hooter...
with glue all over the end. There we go.
One unicorn suit.#I'd better not stick it on to that. Unicorn Suit9My very own unicorn suit.
And it already has a front end!(Try taking it out and clicking it on me.)I feel strangely confined in this window.BI think we know by now just who is
going to be unicorn's rear end.PickMmmmm! A pick!8Find me something to use it
on and I might surprise you.1I'm afraid that doesn't
go very well with a pick.Picnic Basket8A hamper filled with scrummy food.
Topped with ants too!@Sure the ants would like it, but
it'd just create a sticky mess.No more room I'm afraid.Film$Left over film of the elf Queen, eh? Still some good footage here.6There's got to be a better
use for the film than that.Reel'This reel contains my very own clickie.?With the odd shot of the Elf Queen
spliced in for good measure.)Are you kidding? The
glamour may rub off.It's already a masterpiece.Book3My life biography.
Big print version.
Easy to read.>Hmmm. Worth a peek. Maybe it'll
tell me what's happening next. 43 U"Rincewind sneaks a peek
into his life book expecting
to read what'll happen next..."GFor something to get into my life
book I must experience it first hand.MirrorOuch! That's hot.!That would just break the mirror.Answer"The answer to the question 'why?'.:Feels like a little card with
strange holes punched in it.oLets just take this answer to where
it's meant to go... and stop trying
to fool around with the game, shall we? For a good conversation starter.<For when everything else fails
why not try a little sarcasm. For asking a general question. For asking about the old boots.For asking about the broom.For asking about candles. For asking about candy rock. For asking about Susan's cart. For asking about the coffee pot.!For asking about dribbly candles.For asking about the duck.For asking about ectoplasm.For asking about elves.'For asking about the Fountain of Youth."For asking about the genie bottle. For asking about glitter dust.For asking about babes. For asking about the horse suit.For asking about imps. For asking about the jingle.For asking about a ladder. For asking about mouse blood.For asking about novelties. For ordering a mouse burger.For asking about popcorn.%For asking about the Elf Queen's pet.For asking about the raven. For asking about a vile stench.For asking about sticks.'For asking if he'll stand in for Death.(For asking about the key to the trailer."For asking about the unicorn suit.'For asking the ultimate question - why?,For telling Dibbler you've found the Jingle.)For telling Dibbler you've found the Band*For telling Dibbler you've found the Babe./For telling Dibbler you've found the Novelties.0For asking a specific
question about this topic.For a personal reflection. For ending the conversation.Ankh-Morpork MapEnter from Ankh-Morpork MapCemetaryEnter from CemetaryCrypt Interior Close-up"Enter from Crypt Interior Close-upCrypt InteriorEnter from Crypt InteriorDocksEnter from Docks Fools' GuildEnter from Fools' GuildPatrician's Throne Room"Enter from Patrician's Throne Room Pork Futures Warehouse Interior 43▄! *Enter from Pork Futures Warehouse InteriorSewer EntranceEnter from Sewer EntranceSewer - Grate Scene Enter from Sewer - Grate SceneSewer - Warehouse Exit!Enter from Sewer - Warehouse ExitWandering Shop Exterior"Enter from Wandering Shop ExteriorWandering Shop Interior"Enter from Wandering Shop InteriorBonedie BeachEnter from Bonedie Beach Hidden BeachEnter from Hidden BeachSurfingEnter from SurfingBonestock Stage Close-up#Enter from Bonestock Stage Close-upBonestock Under Stage Enter from Bonestock Under StageDeath's DomainEnter from Death's DomainCornfield Arial Shot Enter from Cornfield Arial ShotDeath's BackyardEnter from Death's BackyardDeath's HouseEnter from Death's House Susan's RoomEnter from Susan's RoomDeath's Entrance Hall Enter from Death's Entrance HallDeath's KitchenEnter from Death's KitchenLong Lifer RoomEnter from Long Lifer RoomLong Lifer Alcove Enter from Long Lifer AlcoveDeath's StudyEnter from Death's StudyStable InteriorEnter from Stable InteriorDjelibeybi MapEnter from Djelibeybi Map CrucifixionEnter from Crucifixion
DjelibeybiEnter from DjelibeybiCamel Salesyard Close-up#Enter from Camel Salesyard Close-upArchitect Shop Interior"Enter from Architect Shop InteriorStoning Area Close-up Enter from Stoning Area Close-upFountain of Youth Enter from Fountain of YouthCloseup of BombEnter from Closeup of BombOasisEnter from OasisProphet on Cartwheel Enter from Prophet on CartwheelPyramid Exterior 43É' Enter from Pyramid ExteriorPyramid InteriorEnter from Pyramid InteriorDiscworld MapEnter from Discworld Map Ship's HelmEnter from Ship's HelmHoly Wood StreetEnter from Holy Wood StreetHoly Wood Establishing!Enter from Holy Wood EstablishingMake-up InteriorEnter from Make-up InteriorMilkmaid's Trailer Interior&Enter from Milkmaid's Trailer InteriorWardrobe Interior Enter from Wardrobe InteriorRite Of AshkEnte Book Enter from Rite Of AshkEnte BookPlaza Establishing Enter from Plaza EstablishingOdiumEnter from OdiumProjection RoomEnter from Projection RoomTheatre InteriorEnter from Theatre InteriorShadesEnter from ShadesGimlet's Bar and Grill!Enter from Gimlet's Bar and GrillMortuary Interior Enter from Mortuary InteriorMrs Cakes Interior Enter from Mrs Cakes InteriorTroll's Head Interior Enter from Troll's Head InteriorUndead Therapy Session!Enter from Undead Therapy Session Stone CircleEnter from Stone CircleElven Castle Exterior Enter from Elven Castle ExteriorElven Castle Throne Room#Enter from Elven Castle Throne RoomUnseen University Map Enter from Unseen University Map
Altar RoomEnter from Altar Room Dining RoomEnter from Dining RoomUniversity Garden Enter from University GardenHigh Energy Facility Enter from High Energy FacilityComputerEnter from Computer Tower of ArtEnter from Tower of ArtKing Kong SceneEnter from King Kong SceneHoly Wood Filmset Enter from Holy Wood FilmsetDeath 43ñ? ÇÇFrom the point of view of the recently dead,
the world suddenly looks at one and the
same time very complicated and very simple.ÇóIt is complicated because, while Death
frees the mind from the strait-jacket of
three dimensions, it also cuts it away from
time, which is only another dimension.]So a cat can be seen as a tiny
kitten and a fat, half-blind moggy
and every stage in between.ǪSince it started small, it will in fact look
like a cat-shaped carrot - a description
that will have to suffice until proper four-dimensional adjectives are invented.Ç¿It is simple, on the other hand, because
the self-delusion that attends the living is
immediately stripped away. The dead see
the world as real for the very first time._There appears on Discworld, as
everywhere else, to be no general
consensus about the afterlife.Ç¿Some religions believe that the dead must
journey across a vast empty desert, or sea,
or range of metaphorical mountains, in order
to receive some judgement at the end.Ç╛There are various heavens and hells, and it
appears that the soul's ultimate destination is that
place where its owner, shorn by Death of all self-
deception, believes he or she ought to go.Ç«Which suggests that they won't go to any
kind of hell if they don't know about it, a
depressing thought that should call for the
instant cessation of all missionary activity.zBasically everyone gets what
they think is coming to them.
This does not seem fair, but then
no one ever said it would be.BeggarsâÇ┬There are many classes of beggars in Ankh-Morpork,
including Twitchers, Droolers, Dribblers, Mumblers,
Mutterers, Walking-Along-Shouters, Demanders
of a Chip, People who call other people Jimmy,ÇåPeople who need Tuppence for a Cup of Tea,
People who need Eightpence for a Meal,
People with placards saying 'Why Lie? I need a beer'zand Foul Ole Ron, agreed by his fellow
beggars to be in a class by himself, if only
because no one will share it with him.ǃBeggars do not provide any kind of service
or reward for the money, except to the
extent that the donor may feel themselves
to be a better person for donating.pSuch money as the beggars do make,
it must be stressed, is entirely obtained by
(1) begging and (2) not begging.j(1) is self-explanatory.
(2) owes a lot to what might be called the
Ankh-Morpork view of social economics.éÇ─You clearly don't want a lot beggars hanging around
at your wedding or other salubrious occasions, so
the accepted thing to do is send the Guild a small
sum of money and a kind of anti-invitation,swhich sees to it that men with interesting
running sores and a body odour you
could split wood with do not turn up.PyramidsDams in the stream of time.éÇ╔Correctly shaped and oriented, with paracosmic
measurements correctly plumbed in, the temporal
potential of the great mass of stone can be diverted
to accelerate or reverse time over a very small area,Yin the same way that a hydraulic ram can be
induced to pump water water against the flow.Ç╛The whole point of a correctly built pyramid
is to achieve absolute null time in the central
chamber so that a dying king, tucked up there,
will indeed live for ever - or at least never die.ÇïThe time that should have passed in the
chamber is stored in the bulk of the pyramid and
allowed to flare off once every twenty-four hours.Wandering ShopÇ├No one knows why, but all the most truly mysterious
and magical items are brought from shops that
appear and, after a trading life even briefer than a
double-glazing company's, vanish like smoke.érThey can turn up wherever there is a
suitable stretch of blank wall, but once
there *they have always been there*;Ç¡dust and grime and a general worn look
instantly dispel any doubts in the minds of
people who may have walked down that same
street every day for a year without noticing it.NThere are three general theories to explain
the phenomenon of wandering shops:Çâ1. Many thousands of years ago there evolved
somewhere in the multiverse a race whose
single talent was to buy cheap and sell dear.éISoon they controlled a vast galactic
empire or, as they put it, Emporium,Ç╜and the more advanced members of the species
found a way to equip their very shops with unique
propulsion units that could break the dark walls of
space itself and open up vast new markets.}2. They are the creation of a sympathetic
Fate, charged with the role of supplying
exactly the right thing at the right time.W3. They are simply a very clever way of getting
around the various Sunday Closing Acts.uAll these theories have two things in
common: they explain the known facts
and they are completely and utterly wrong.ThaumÇ╟A thaum is the basis and traditional unit of magical
strength. It has been universally established as
the amount of magic needed to create one small
white pigeon or three normal-sized billiard balls.ÇÖIn this very room, the thaum has been successfully
demonstrated to be made up of resons (which
literally translates to 'thing-ies') or reality fragments.ǼCurrent research indicates that each reson
is itself made up of a combination of at
least five 'flavours', known as 'up', 'down',
'sideways', 'sex-appeal' and 'peppermint'. Pork FuturesaProbably no other world in the multiverse has
warehouses for things which only exist in potentia.ÇφHere, however the Pork Futures Warehouse is
a product of the Patrician's rules about baseless
metaphors, the literal-mindedness of citizens who
assume that everything must exist somewhere,
and the general thinness of reality around Ankh.ÇæThe net result is that trading in pork futures -
in pork that doesn't exist yet - led to the building
of the warehouse to store it until it does.WThe extremely low temperatures are caused
by the imbalance in the temporal energy flow. Discworld IIMissing Presumed...!?Available Soon.DemoA Demo To Die For!A Game To Die For!Only the Dead Escape!-Your goal in this demo is to get out of town,dead or alive so to speak.Act 1The Rite Stuff!Act 2Come Die With Me!Ashes to Ashes.Dust to Stardust!Ashes to Ashes.Dust to Dust!If Death Don't Get YouHoly Wood must!Act 3The Grim Rincewind!Act 4Till Death Us Do Part!Epilogue Queen Kong! 43lB Death Becomes Himself!Town Dining HallLuggage PsygnosisEnter from Intro Perfect Logo Produced ByTitleIntro Game Startup InventoryTest cutscene All Items
Added to InventoriesIntro Dining RoomRite of AshkEnteTest EntranceRincewind's RoomEnter from Rincewind's RoomSunsetGratuitous 3D ScenePlease Insert CD 1Please Insert CD 2 CD ChangeBand Load a GameSave this GameStart a new GameSound ControlGame Controls Subtitles Quit PlayingResume Playing Load Game Save Game Restart GameRE-START GAME
Are you sure? Music VolumeSound Effects Volume Voice VolumeDouble Click SpeedTestSwap Mouse ButtonsSubtitle SpeedDisplay SubtitlesQUIT PLAYING
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Scene Menu 43┤B 43ⁿB 43DC 43îC 43╘C 43 D 43dD 43¼D 43 E 43HE 43ÉE 43╪E 43 F 43hF 43░F 43°F 43@G 43êG 43╨G 43H 43`H 43¿H 43≡H 438I 43ÇI 43╚I 43J 43XJ 43áJ 43ΦJ 430K 43xK 43└K 43L 43PL 43ÿL 43αL 43(M 43pM 43╕M 43 N 43HN 43ÉN 43╪N 43 O 43hO 43░O 43°O 43@P 43êP 43╨P 43Q 43`Q 43¿Q 43≡Q 43
