Hello, and welcome to the Kingdom O' Magic. I'll be your host, as you attempt to survive and succeed in this comedy epic, but now, without further ado, let's choose which character you want to play....Thidney! He's mean, he's green, he's a questing machine! Fond of power tools and small children, Thidney is no magician, but he's a bit handy in the combat department.Shah-Ron! She's smart, she's gorgeous, she's not thrilled with the costume we've given her! A magic specialist, she lists her hobbies as particle physics, writing crime novellas, and making fools suffer gladly.Okay, you've met the characters, and now it's... MAKE YOUR MIND UP TIME! Who will you choose?Well done, you've chosen... Thidney!Well done, you've chosen... Shah-Ron!All right, now let's pick a quest....The Good Old Fashioned Traditional Quest! What fantasy product would be complete without a Good Old Fashioned Traditional Quest? I don't know, but we have one here so that's all right! In the Good Old Fashioned Traditional Quest your chosen character must rescue the dragon, steal the princess and kill the treasure. Actually, there isn't a princess, but you get the idea. This is probably the easiest of the three quests.The Magnificent 7-11 Quest! When you learn that the sleepy metropolis of Flake Town is under threat of invasion you offer, nay promise to round up between 7 and 11 unfeasibly hard fellows to defend the liberty of the town and protect its inhabitants from harm. This is quite a difficult quest!The Bizarre And Slightly Twisted Quest! In this, the weirdest of the quests, you undertake to save the Kingdom from a fate worse than something horrid, by seeking out and recovering the Lost Lava Lamp Of The Ancients and, time permitting, thrashing the Dark Lord to within an inch of his life! This is the toughest of the quests, and should not be attempted by old women or people named Julian.Okay, you've seen the scenarios, now.... CHOOSE YOUR QUEST!Aha! You've chosen the Good Old Fashioned Traditional Quest! Well, let's not waste another moment - on with the adventure!Why! If it isn't the Magnificent 7-11 Quest! Well, you know what you've got to do, sort of, so get on and do it!Ha! You have undertaken to embark on the Bizarre and Slightly Twisted Quest! Best of luck, you'll need it!Ah, I see you've noticed one of the valuable antiques collected by the late King, buried with him for refurbishment and possible resale in the afterlife. I shouldn't mess with it if I were you.You can't carry all that! Look for something more manageable, you greedy thing!It's just a small stone, and it's not doing anybody any harm. Leave it alone.The words, Here lies King Olaf the Ninth, undisputed winner of the 'Lets See Who Can Lean Over The Cliff Farthest competition.' Are carved into the lid, in large courier runes.The ability to find a rock on a rock-strewn floor is really quite something! Truly thou art something special!It's a deluxe stone tomb, air-conditioned with a spacious interior, mahogany lining, and all the words to 'My Way' inscribed on the lid.A sturdy looking fence, with lots of nasty pointy bits on it, that would hurt quite a lot if you tried to climb over it!It's a sturdy fence, with lots of nasty pointy bits on it, and I know for a fact that you can't get past it, over it, through it, under it or around it, so leave it!The Shire - Closed.... ah yes, I heard something about that. Black riders cruising the countryside, riotous parties, dogs and cats living together, it was a mess. It's a shame, because this was the Kingdom's biggest tourist attraction, but that's what happens when the Dark Lord thinks you've stolen one of his magic rings...Hmmm... looks like a ZX45Y Capacitor.... fully charged, too.Hmmm... looks like a ZX45Y Capacitor.... not charged up at the moment, though.You don't need to do anything with the capacitor. Well, not directly, anyway....Unless I miss my guess, these bellows are a key to powering the baker's ovens.... they don't appear to be working at the moment.... but why?Now that the bellows are working, the ovens should be nice and hot. Isn't mechanical engineering wonderful!The bellows are operated remotely. There's nothing you can do in here to make them work, but perhaps if you went outside....Look at all that bread. That would be excellent for feeding the ducks.... If there were any ducks in this game.... Which there aren't.I wouldn't touch that bread if I were you - it has an unwholesome look about it...What a lovely box/chest/what-have-you. And there's a hungry child inside, who isn't coming out!That chest is way too heavy for you to move!There's nothing you can do with this chest - the small child has locked himself in.Ah yes, well, that's your basic electroanimator kit, with the optional mahogany struts and period oak table...... very expensive..... don't touch it, you'll only break it!Don't touch it, you'll only break it!I know a lightning rod when I see one, and I'm seeing one now!And just how are you going to reach it? Got elastic arms have we?You can't reach it, but don't worry - you don't need to!Yes, let us pause for a moment, to consider this simple wooden post. Years ago, when the world was younger, and people were happier, this post was an acorn falling from some swaying branch, tumbling down as the leafy ground rushed up to meet it. As the leaves rotted and the seasons changed, the little acorn found itself covered with a carpet of snow. Then, Spring came, and a tiny shoot appeared, forging its way up towards the light, as roots dug down to grip the earth beneath. Seasons turned into years, and years into decades as the young tree stretched itself upwards and outwards until, after a century had passed, a mighty oak stood where the sapling once swayed. Tall was that tree, majestic and proud, strong, unmoving, permanent.... until the beavers came! Great black-haired beavers, smacking their lips with anticipation as they moved slowly around the base of the trunk, then set about gnawing through the wood. High above there was a shiver, then a creak, then slowly the upper branches found themselves tilting over into a quickening descent, tracing once again the downward route they had taken as an acorn. The tree seemed to accelerate as it fell, speeding up suddenly to crush a group of blind orphans in wheelchairs, who were passing through the forest on a once-in-a-lifetime nature walk that they'd all saved up for months to go on. Some time later, a woodsman chopped up the fallen tree and sold the resulting lumber to a post maker in Flake Town, and so we find this particular post here today, which only goes to show that it's a funny old world.What do you want to use this post for?! No, don't tell me, I have no interest in hearing any more of your disgusting suggestions! If you want to do that sort of thing, do it outside the game!It's a water wheel. It's probably supposed to power some machinery inside the building, but it doesn't appear to be turning at the moment.Round and round she goes, where she stops nobody knows....It's a big water wheel, much too large for you to do anything with...It's a cupboard, and it's broken. You know, this reminds me of a cupboard I had when I was a boy... oh yes, those were happier times, just me and my cupboard. We'd spend days together, not saying anything, just sitting in the sun, looking up at the clouds... I thought those days would never end, but they did of course. One minute I'm an innocent youngster putting an item into my cupboard, next thing you know I'm a bitter old man with a door that's come off in my hand.... Oh fickle fate, you send your dog over to take dumps on my lawn!Sorry, but that cupboard is broken! There's nothing I can do!I know what you're thinking; you think this is just some random glass rolling backwards and forwards across the table, but you're wrong! This is in fact, a very important scientific experiment into perpetual motion or 'looping animation's' as we in the trade refer to them..... fascinating, isn't it?Just leave it until it stops moving...No, no! Don't interfere with it while it's moving...For sale, eh? I don't know.... this place has been on the market for quite a while and it's miles away from anywhere. There aren't any shops or amenities.... good parking though.These big windows give you a lovely view of the forest... but I bet this place costs a fortune to heat in the winter!A burnt out pair of shoes, smouldering spats, all fused to the hard ground as if... as if... as if some big simple soul had been wandering through the woods when they spontaneously combusted....Sorry, but the shoes and spats are fused to the ground. You'll have to leave them where they are!A tree stump.... hmmm, felled trees are unusual in magic forests such as this one. I'll wager the woodsman who felled this one was never seen again... these trees tend to look after their own!This sign points the way towards the dark tower of Dull Guilder, former lair of the evil one, and place of outstanding natural beauty.This sign points the way to the northern reaches of the Backwood Forest, which is probably not entirely unlike this, the southern reaches of the Backwood Forest.The bin has 'Keep De Lorean Tidy!' written on it in environmentally friendly runes.How uncivilised! There's no need to go poking around in litter bins!Ah yes, the hallowed seats of the high elves. Many is the elven buttock that has graced these fair furnishings at meetings of the High Council.... and the PTA.Sit not upon these seats! For they are elven seats, meant for elven sitters - they will not fit your adventurer's behind!Gaze now upon the fair banqueting table of the high elves. In the early days it was here, under the bending boughs of the gold-leaf wood, that the Elven forefathers, and three mothers, did feast upon the bounty of the forest, eating venison, robbing the rich to give to the poor, until the wicked Sheriff of Nottingham came and... sorry, as you were! Wrong story!Seek not to use the banqueting table of the elves for your own selfish picnic purposes! This is De Lorean, and Elvish you're not!Another superb item from Don Elrondo's World O' Wicker - Tasteless yet impractical furnishings for today's elf - Don't delay, call today!You want to sit on the Wicker Thrones of the High Elves? Are you High? Are you Elvish? No? Then you've got no business sitting on the thrones, have you!It's a litter bin, not unlike all the other litter bins in De Lorean.There's nothing in this bin for you, unless the smell of weeks-old garbage rings your bell.The sign expresses the ancient wish that you Please Keep De Lorean Tidy, and Dispose Of Your Litter Thoughtfully, all written in Helvetica runes.It's a bin. Somebody's carved 'Hamsters ate my mail!' on it in graffiti runes.Only two kinds of people go through other people's trash - tramps and private detectives - and you're neither... so stop it!It's a sign!This water is called Novahkayne, beloved of the elves. Do not drink of it, for it causes diarrhoea.Touch not the water of the elves - you'll pollute it!You have no need of the waters of Novahkayne!It's grass. There's quite a lot of it about, usually on the ground, and none of it is particularly important in terms of your current quest.It's a litter bin. Is that Dan Marchant's Passport in there? No, sorry. Trick of the light. The bin's empty.Don't waste your time here, the bin's empty!It's a stool.... you could turn it upside down, sharpen up the ends of the legs and have a fine instrument of impaling, but I don't think any of us want that!Leave that stool alone! Later on in the game, somebody very important is going to come in and sit on that stool and, if some thieving little adventurer has taken it, they'll fall on their behind and there'll be trouble! Is that what you want, 'cause that's what'll 'appen! I should just leave the stool alone if I were you!This torch looks very similar to the other torch.Don't touch it! What if you were to start fooling around with it, and some small child doused in petrol was to walk past? You wouldn't want that now, would you!Have you ever wondered how these torches don't just burn down? I mean, when I was a boy, I tried tying a bunch of twigs onto a stout branch, pouring lighter fluid all over it and setting it on fire, but it would always burn away really quickly. If anyone out there knows about this stuff, please write to me with an explanation. Address your mail to: Mr Narrator, c/o SCi, Unit 11, Ivory House, Plantation Wharf, York Road, Battersea, London SW11 3TN, England.Try taking the other torch.What are you clicking on....? Oh look! There's a sign there, hidden beyond the wit of men by the cunning craftsmanship of the dwarven signsmiths! I'd never have even noticed it if you hadn't pointed it out... it seems to be pointing to a secret side entrance into the mountain!Hmmm. There appears to be a small secret button compartment hidden in the top!The button has already been pushed! Find something else to fidget with!It's a pillar, nothing more. If you choose to see something masculine about its shape, that's entirely up to you, but as far as I'm concerned it's just a simple pillar.How quaint! Genuine traditional medieval lanterns with new energy-saver light bulbs!These lanterns are no use to you. Leave them alone!Now this is what we in the trade refer to as 'a wall'. It's a simple brick or stone construction, used to keep people out. People like you, in fact!It's a Do Not Disturb sign. It says 'Do Not Disturb'.Can't you read?! It says 'Do Not Disturb'!These pumps are connected to a barrel of Satanbrew, an ale so strong that its use is forbidden under the terms of the Geneva Convention.If you want a drink, speak to the nice bar-tender!Hello! There's something under the bed! Why! It's a ladies' hand mirror!A heart-shaped bed; how romantic. I note, with interest, the gold-coin-sized slot, and wonder innocently what it could possibly be for...The lamp bears the inscription 'Stolen From The Holiday Inne, Bognor Regis' inscribed upon it in ultra-violet runes.The lamp has been securely glued to the table which has in turn been firmly clamped to the floor. Clearly, theft is not a stranger in this part of the Kingdom!Hmmm... all the barrels are labelled UAC... I wonder what that means...The barrels are too heavy to move.There's something about that window... it makes me think of illicit rendezvous, of brief encounters, of ships that pass in the night, of... well, you know what I mean!The Hung Horse... these tavern names just keep getting worse!They are all marked as Bird O' Thunder wine, an inexpensive vintage traditionally served immediately prior to funerals and cremations. There is a 'cause-and-effect' school of thought that says that drinking Bird O' Thunder wine and funerals / cremations are in some way connected, but there is no scientific evidence to support this theory and the Bird O' Thunder Petrochemical Company violently contests any such claims.Stronger folk than you have tried to liberate these barrels and they, like you, couldn't.What a magnificent sight to behold, as the forest river plunges down towards the southern plains. Legend tells of a cave hidden somewhere around here, possibly in that very rock face, but then Legend is always saying stuff like that, isn't it?Consider the lilies.... all right, that's enough considering for one day.What do you think this is; a gardening show?! Leave the lilies alone and consider your quest!Curiouser and curiouser! A mail-box in the middle of Dimwit Dale? But there don't appear to be any dwellings around here.... It's marked with the name 'Giant'....It's the giant's mailbox. Leave it alone!It's empty. E-Mail will be the death of conventional correspondence.That's right, you went over the falls in a barrel, bobbed about and drifted in here. You're lucky to be alive and, unless I miss my guess, you've got at least one more barrel journey to come... that is, if you want to get out of here alive!What?! I don't believe it! You've discovered the legendary lost Birthstone Of Monstrophellese, the Champion-Arm-Wrestler-Of-The-Ancient-Gods and the Bringer-Of-Great-Wind-After-Spicey-Food. With this stone you will be invincible, none shall stand before you but all will bow down and weep in your terrible glory. Cities will fall, hairstyles will change, and you shall walk the face of the planet bringing radiance to the four corners of the.... what? Oh. All right. Er.... it seems that this isn't the legendary lost birthstone after all. Sorry for any inconvenience.You don't want to lift that stone up - there might be a creepy crawly thing underneath it!Ah! The yellow flag of Minar Tragedy is flying, which means that the High Steward must be in residence! That's a dead give-away to any would-be assassins, seeking to do him mortal harm.... I just thought I'd mention that....The noble statue of King Vasilax IV, last true king of Minar Tragedy, stands here, his hand raised in the traditional battle-salute of the Tragwegians, his head stolen by vandals. Which is ironic, because in real life his head was stolen by vandals, thus ending the royal line.Now I've seen some big trees in my time, but this is one BIG tree! Quite fortunate the way it's fallen across the river and saved the SCi graphics team drawing in another bridge, wouldn't you say!Don't jump off the top of the waterfall. That's good, sensible advice. We need more signs like this in the Kingdom!That's a dangerous-looking waterfall. A person would have to have exactly the right vessel to survive going over the edge of that! This subtle hint is brought to you courtesy of SCi's Customer Support Team - Don't Call Us, We'll Call You!Let's play 'Learn to Read'. Can you sound out these words? Yes? Good for you.It's not real, it's one of those very realistic door-pictures that you hang on walls to give your house the impression of more rooms. Great, isn't it!I know what you're thinking - you want to take this and use it as a way of getting through a solid wall elsewhere in the game, am I right? Well, all I can say is that Great Minds Think Alike, but development deadlines are the mother of harsh editing decisions!Look at the door again!Lava lamps! The mystical art of their manufacture has long since slipped from our ancestral memory... few now remain, but it is written that before the end of days, One shall come, and he or she will quest for the lost lava lamp of the ancients, a giant specimen over a hundred feet tall. To put this into perspective, it is also written that flares will always be fashionable and that the Titanic would never sink, but you never know....You can't steal from the King!I expect the bar-tender will be back in a minute....Ah yes, the mystic Orb of Uldor. It is said that, in times past, Belgirafe the Sorcerer did seek the Orb, and found it in an Establishment Of Nearly New Items, and put it in a bag did he, so that nobody would know, and so that the dread God Tallywhack would not learn of it and covet it and seek to get his dark hands upon it! But when the dread God Tallywhack did hear of this, he was exceeding wroth, and did send off for X-Ray Glasses from the back of a magazine, and did use them to seek out the Orb, seeing even through the cunning bag of wise Belgirafe! But Belgirafe, seeing that he had been found out, made haste to the Flake Town Disco, and there he hung the Orb with other like orbs on the ceiling. And so it was that when the dread God Tallywhack came to the Disco he did kick up a mighty fuss because he knew not which Orb was the One True Orb. And he did hang his head and go on his way. Belgirafe went on to enjoy a scandal-bound career in local government, but of Tallywhack little is known, yet it is said that he walks the land to this day. At night you may hear him as he cries out with a loud voice 'Oh where, oh where has my little orb gone?' and the wind answers 'sausage'.Hey! Leave that alone or the Bouncer will rip your legs off and kick you to death with them!A variety of amusing costumes, but there's nothing in your size! You'll have to ask the nice lady behind the counter.Ask the nice lady behind the counter if you want something.An ice-hockey costume? Oh well, I suppose the lake freezes over in winter...Ask the nice lady behind the counter if you want something.It's just one of those old fashioned werewolf outfits that they used to wear in 50's B-Movies, not like the utterly convincing werewolf effects that we have today in modern films like Wolf!Ask the nice lady behind the counter if you want something.The barrels bear the legend 'Olde Ringburner's Thunderbottom Ale, for medicinal purposes only' written in large friendly runes.You don't want to look at that - you'll break it, you unsightly green thing, you!Leave it alone. You know how attractive you are without needing any reminders!Are these the weapons you need to overcome your enemies, to vanquish your foes, to complete your quest and win the game?! No, this a one-piece plastic moulding of an ornamental shield and axe set, costing one gold piece and available from any good interior furnishings store.Go and buy your own ornamental wall-weaponry!It's grass. We were going to give you some way of cutting it, but SCi have other, different games for people who like Lawnmowers!There, across the water, is Baker's Isle. If the ferryman hasn't already told you all about it, I'm sure he soon will!It's that excellent police tape, you know, the stuff with 'Police Line Do Not Cross' written on it in special law-enforcement runes.It's a criminal offence to tamper with official police tape!Structurally insecure pier....The red and white pole that is the traditional business sign of the hairdresser. Its origins date back to the time when people went to the barber-shop for a shave and got cut to ribbons, hence the colours. In the case of this establishment, that was still the case up until last week!The Jolly Mutant Tavern....Stillgaar, do we have WigSign? Oowsul, we have WigSign the likes of which even God has never seen!Ah! Now I understand! Oswald was never in the Book Repository, he was here! I mean, look at the clear aim he could get, able to target easily on any part of the square, then make a quick getaway to the mainland... Grassy Knoll, pah! Don't believe a word of it!Freaky Deaky Threads? Sounds like a costume hire shop to me!A machine of vending! What luck! Here you can purchase all manner of nasty little rubber novelties, protective latex-wear, and party balloons! But no! Cruel fate has put salt in the sugar bowl, for today the machine is empty! I guess that Big Jim Slade has been here before us!But you've got no genitals!One pack is never enough.... and to make matters worse, the machine's empty!They probably contain wigs for other clients, judging by the initials... BR, TS, MK.... can you guess the clients' names? Answers on a postcard to our usual address, please!It's pointy!I bet it costs a bit to have furniture of this size delivered!It's just a statue, lying there on the bed, smoking a stone cigarette.... hmmm!Is it... could it possibly be... the Loch Ness Monster?! No, it's just a rock.It's an unusual statue, staring through a pair of stone binoculars at something further along the valley... how odd.Another statue... oh look! This one's got one of those humorous 'Stoned Again' T-shirts on, how ironic!What's this guy supposed to be doing, aerobics? Well, I suppose he could do with loosening up a bit - he's rigid!Great action pose! If we had another statue that we could put on top... then it would be quite childish really.This is what we in the trade refer to as a 'signpost'. It's a marvellous invention used in navigation.If you like scenic views, then you'll appreciate this lovely picture of the Marina Del Rey Hotel, Los Angeles, where the game's writers sat by the pool coming up with character dialogue. Lucky bastards!The altar bears the inscription 'Go not beyond the elevator, my orcish children, for the locals do not like our orcish appearance.'As part of our new environmentally friendly development policy, SCi are recycling all their old 3D models. This tusk, and indeed the whole Dark Lord's tower, are constructed with disused graphics from our previous hit-game, Cyberwar. And it doesn't end here, because now you can help prevent waste. Just write to us, telling us which graphics you'd like to see us use again, and we'll endeavour to work them into a future product. Together, we can make a difference.Try looking at the other tusk...Barrels full of low calorie sweetener! Oh NO! Suddenly, the evil plan of the Dark Lord becomes clear! He intends to systematically corrupt the Kingdom, removing anything that is wholesome and pleasurable, until all that remains is bland, low-calorie, reduced-salt and high-fibre, and people go to the toilet no more! He must be stopped! But how?Touch not the foul barrels of the Dark Lord!The bottles are marked.... Diet Ale?! WHAT MANNER OF ABOMINATION IS THIS?!These bottles contain Diet Ale! Do not degrade yourself by touching them!A modest, unassuming statue of the Dark Lord, picked out in a magical platinum-based alloy that men have forgotten how to make.... it's so realistic... almost as if....Ooh! Lava! You don't wanna be touching that - you'll burn yourself!It's the button to call the elevator.You don't need to call the elevator - it's already here!A small, unobtrusive stone, not unlike all the other small, unobtrusive stones that litter the Kingdom, except that this one seems somewhat darker, more menacing, than the other stones. Perhaps it is the stone's proximity to Kori-Dor, the Dark Lord's dark realm, situated on the other side of this rocky edifice and reached by taking the elevator to the appropriate floor.No, don't touch that stone.... I feel that there's something about it... something.... EVIL!It's one of those buttons you press to call the elevator.There's no need to call the elevator because the elevator is already here. You need to pay attention more, or life will pass you by.... or perhaps elude you altogether if you bump into one of the ferocious monsters that roam these lands!Subtle, isn't it.I give up on that Dark Lord. I mean, is this supposed to be 'rustic'? 'Quaint'?! He's never going to revive the local tourist trade with this sort of stuff!Aha! Now this is one of the most cleverly disguised infra-red-sensors I've ever seen. Obviously this whole doorway area is alarmed, and there's doubtless some nasty surprise waiting inside for the unlucky intruder! It'd be best to find another way in, but keep an eye out for other intruder-deterrents!Ah, a life-size replica dead-person-on-a-rope, complete with dripping tomato ketchup; compulsory decor for all evil castles and guaranteed to keep door-to-door salesmen away. Except for viewers in Germany, who's censorship laws prohibit them seeing this or anything else remotely alarming. Take our word for it guys, Doom II was great!Yeuch! Leave that where it is!Say what you like about the Dark Lord; I mean, he does kill people, enslave thousands, and generally cause terrible suffering on a monstrous scale... but at least his realm is clearly sign-posted!Another sign.... it's almost as if the Dark Lord was expecting me....These deck chairs bear the secret mark of the Dark Lord - plums!You can't pick up a deck chair! That thing'll snap shut and have your fingers off in a moment!Sit not in the deck chairs of the Dark Lord, whereupon have rested in times previous the vile backsides of his evil minions.... anyway, they don't look too solid, and a shakey deck chair can be a death-trap!The dustbin is sticky and horrible inside. The lid bears the somewhat ominous inscription 'Heads from the anti-personnel device at the top of the stairs only' in large, informative runes.Don't touch that bin - you don't know what's been in it.... and if you did know, you definitely wouldn't touch it!That tower... it looks.... familiar. There's something.... oh, I don't know. For some reason it makes me think of a big orange box, I can't imagine why....Another, elegantly crafted sign. I wonder who does his lettering....That's not just a stone; it's the tip of a huge underground mountain!Hmmm... this looks like a rough place!Now that's a chasm! In times gone by, the dwarves were sold an alleged 'treasure' map by the Dark Lord, which suggested that they would find great riches under the mountains. The Dark Lord and his dark friends laughed darkly as they thought of the greedy but simple dwarves, vainly excavating the mountains but, by a million-to-one chance, the dwarves unearthed a valuable seam of asbestos, which they fashioned into dragon-proof armour and oven-gloves and sold for large sums of money. When the Dark Lord heard that his dark practical joke had backfired, he swore to take the newly-mined Moronica Cave Complex for himself, and sent a number of his evil orcs to negotiate with and kill the dwarves, though not necessarily in that order. The orcs quickly staged a vicious management take-over, and started mining for a new seam. Imagine their surprise when, digging on this very spot, they uncovered a bottomless chasm from which issued a number of strange fiery creatures.... at this point, the history books become vague, but I'm sure you'll agree that it's a very interesting story.That would be nice for my interesting pebble collection... I'll send somebody round for it later!NO! You can't have it! I saw it first!Hmmm... there's not many places that still have Olde Muckwit's Industrial Horse Liniment on draught.Ah! So this is where great uncle Durin ended up! And to think, the names I called him when he failed to show up for our card game on that fateful Tuesday night! Oh well....Oh dear! Somebody from around here hasn't been feeling very well recently!No! Wait! There's bound to be somewhere cleaner later on!Big vats, great big vats full of dough!The ancient weapon of the Baking Ninjas, these can crush the skull of an enemy, or break all his arms and legs. They bear the inscription 'Not Suitable For Small Children'.A rug with ancient Ninja script on. The literal translation is 'Though the filling is important, without bread there can be no sausage sandwich.' However, the saying is considerably more elegant in the native tongue.Ah! The secret ingredient for Ninja-Death-Bread!These Shuriken are firmly fixed to the wall!It's bread!Regrettably, all of these loaves are reserved for the High Steward.Although this is a completely sealed stone container, through the magic of computer graphics, SCi is able to show you this high resolution picture of the inside of the box.No, don't thank us - your money is all the praise we require!There's no terribly long words in this one. You should be able to read it yourself.It's a tree.Ah! Mrs Wilberforce's Concentrated Beer Elixir - how very cosmopolitan!They may look like ceiling fans, but they are, in fact, propellers, pulling the ceiling down and preventing it from drifting away.... who writes this rubbish?!What a lovely picture, although I didn't think they were big on ray-traced 3D images in medieval times...Aha! A general store! The very place for a spot of shopping!It's a door. It's locked. It has the words 'Beware Of The Leopard' written on it, in large friendly letters.You can't go in there, it's locked.Aha! A little ornamental flag, for a little ornamental leader!Ah! A little door! That must lead to the High Steward's chambers.Forget it - you'll never fit through there!Wow! An antique jar filled with antique sweets.... yeuch!This seems to be a common problem in general stores - the big jar of solidified sweets that nobody has touched for decades. There's no point trying to take it, it's probably immovably stuck to the shelf!I think that's for display only!If you want something, ask the nice lady...House Of The Rising Bun? Give me a break!The Jolly Mantrap....A miracle of modern plumbing. There are some valves and controls here, but they require the proper tools to turn them....Without the proper tool, there's no way of doing anything with these pipes and valves.Using the wrench, you are able to make essential repairs and improvements to the Rhtegard plumbing system...You've done all you can with this plumbing...A windsock? On a helipad? Yes, it is a bit confusing, but the reasons for this will become clear when you buy Kingdom O' Magic 2, available eventually from SCi!What a lovely view... and is that a giant castle up in the clouds over there, high above Dimwit Dale? Or perhaps it's just my imagination....Beware of the hog?The collected works of Jackie Cohens, including rare first editions of her best-sellers 'Bonking In Beverley Hills', 'From Hags To Bitches', and a priceless signed copy of her latest epic 'Bulging Wallets, Bulging Pants'.Leave them. You don't have time to learn how to read, you've got a quest to finish!A no smoking sign! Proof that the wizard Marshghast is evil! No smoking signs are an infringement of smokers' civil liberties. We have enough to worry about, what with lung cancer and heart disease, without having some miserable do-gooder decorating the place with nagging little signs!So you're one of those people who feel compelled to study the contents of the toilet bowl, are you? I see....You should have though of that before you set out on this quest!It's good to have something to read when you're in here!It's a '69 Passion Wagon; very rare... sadly someone appears to have stolen the engine, but look! They've left the crank handle behind!It's a '69 Passion Wagon; that's practically a classic!Step away from the car. Your life is in danger. This car is fitted with an anti-theft device. Step away from the car. Your life is in danger....That tyre is very loose - you wouldn't want to drive a car with a tyre as loose as that!Step away from the tyre. Your life is in danger. This tyre is fitted with an anti-theft device. Step away from the tyre. Your life is in danger, etc.This is what the real estate agent meant when he said the cave came with running water... still, the trolls ate him, so I suppose the system works!Sorry, the bucket has rusted itself to a freak iron deposit that runs through the rocky floor. It's impossible to move!All those trolls do have a strong family resemblance...Oh dear! This mail-bag is all that remains of Jim 'Lightning' Loftus, the fastest mailman this side of the Kalibre Pass. I guess this is the ultimate occupational hazard - delivering a letter to the trolls!Yeuch!The bin is full of shredded papersAn ingenious idea - using a hamster-in-a-cage as a document shredder. Environmentally friendly, too!What unsavoury looking individuals! I can't decide whether this is a family portrait, or a set of mug shots from Flake Town's Most Wanted.... or both.The grassy knoll - some say they saw a muzzle flash but... what? Oh, sorry. Wrong grassy knoll!A keep left sign! I didn't think they had traffic bollards this far west....Traditionally, in fantasy adventure games, there is always something useful concealed inside the cauldron that sits in the Trolls Clearing. So, the fact that we've put nothing in our cauldron, should tell you that we're a real leading edge company, with ground-breaking, fresh ideas!Don't touch that! It's hot!The banners really lend a feeling of cheer to the otherwise sombre yard of Don Elrondo's Rivendull headquarters, each one bearing the mark of a sponsor; Bob's Bullet Shop, Glenn's Gun Emporium, Dave's Quick-Drying-And-Waterproof- Concrete - all local, family businesses, their names picked out in large, friendly runes.Aha! There's a note, taped to the underneath of the table... it says 'Thanks for the loan of your special candle - I thought I'd never get the fires of Mount Boom burning again, but your special candle did the trick. Love, The Dark Lord!'There's a note, it says 'Love, The Dark Lord!'It's the capacitor switch... didn't your mother teach you anything?!The ovens of abomination! Here is the spawning ground of the baker's unnatural creations!I think you'd be better off using something suitable with the oven....Years ago, before there were bakers, wild bread roamed the earth, created... well, who knows how! Now, mosquitoes would eat that bread and some of those mosquitoes ended up near trees, and sometimes the sap from the trees would ooze out and spill over the mosquitoes, sealing them. Over millions of years, that sap fossilised into solid amber until, quite recently, miners would be digging away and they would find a lump of amber with the mosquito preserved inside. Using new magical technology, scientists like the mad baker were able to extract the recipe for this bread from the mosquitoes and create the dough you see before you - dough, the building blocks of bread!You need the right tool for the job....Work with it where it is! Otherwise you'll just make a messIt's dough, and it's been rolled flat!There's a tool that could help you take this dough into the next dimension of bakery!Finish what you're doing before you start moving it around!It's an uncooked gingerbread man, inanimate, lifeless, flaccid...An uncooked gingerbread man's no use without a fired-up oven to cook him in....Something tells me... well, the script tells me, that you should leave our gingerbread friend on the table....Aha! This gingerbread man is well and truly cooked... but he's still inanimate baked goods, lacking that... spark of life!This lifeless cookie is of no use to man nor beast... if only it was alive!Something tells me... well, the script tells me, that you should leave our gingerbread friend on the table....This lovely period door seems to be jammed shut... perhaps there's something blocking it on the other side....What a lovely door. I like doors, don't you? And windows... windows are excellent too, aren't they? I know some people think they make a building less secure, or more draughty, but I think that, on balance, these are architectural features that are well worth having. I'm glad we had this opportunity to talk about a subject that rarely gets the attention it deserves. And it doesn't have to end here, because you can start up your own discussion group on this or any other topic, with informal meetings, coffee mornings, coach-trips to the seaside.... it's a great way to spend those free moments and brush up on your social skills at the same time! Who knows, you might meet your perfect partner at one of these gatherings, start a relationship, and have a child who will go on to save the world and bring global peace and harmony to all nations... so there we are. Doors. Ignore them at your peril!It's a special, reinforced web, impervious to weapons and cutting instruments...Aha! This looks uncommonly like a dwarvish hand-scanner. Functioning only with dwarves, this cunning device is traditionally used as part of an intricate door locking mechanism or as a way of inflating costs on civic building projects.You're not a dwarf, are you? So you'll understand when I tell you that you can't use the dwarvish hand-scanner.Aha! This looks uncommonly like a dwarvish head-key. Functioning only with dwarves, this cunning device is traditionally used as part of an intricate door locking mechanism or as a way of accounting for massive extra gold requirements on civic building projects.You're not a dwarf, are you? So you'll understand when I tell you that you can't use the dwarvish head-lock.Surely you haven't forgotten Goliath! He looks as if he's having one of his quiet moments right now.You want to take Goliath? Oh well, each to their own...This slot appears to be just the right size for a gold coin....Sorry, but you're poorer than a poor person with a degree in Poorness from the Poor University.Sniff that!You don't want to be picking that up!Yeuch! You don't want to be touching that!You want to rummage around in the bin? Why not go the whole hog, and push a shopping trolley full of junk and sit in alleys and talk to buildings and stuff... no? Sure I can't tempt you? Oh well....What a lovely little ferry boat. Perhaps you could ask the nice ferryman for a ride...Speak to the ferryman if you want a ride...It's locked.... and there's a smell!A wonderful statue of the Gorgon - most lifelike!Why! There's a little Kingdom O' Magic action figure in the cooker! What a find!Sorry, you've had your fun with the cooker. It's work here is done, but it'll be out there, waiting....The cooker doesn't work... and looks as if it hasn't worked for years...That's the Dark Lord's doorbell! You don't want to go in there, so there'd be no point ringing the doorbell....This seems to be some sort of retina scanner, probably linked to some fiendish practical joke for non-orcish eyeballs...Why! It's a giant candle-holder. Three guesses what you're supposed to put in here!It's a small key-hole, probably controlling which floors the elevator can access....Hmmm... that's a heavy-looking boulder, and so precariously placed on the edge of that chasm... it wouldn't take much for that boulder to go over the edge...It's much too big and heavy to lift!It's one of those useless magnetic security card swipe things that never seem to work... there has to be an easier way to get in and out of places like this....It's a traditional stone door, fashioned by the cunning dwarves in the traditional way - badly fitting, with the lock bolt partially exposed.... ah, that's craftsmanship; they don't make 'em like this anymore!It's a Barbarian Invaders machine; super!It's a toilet. Some people might say it's just a hole in the floor, but when you're this close to it - trust me - you know it's a toilet!No! Wait! There's bound to be somewhere cleaner later on!No! Wait! There's bound to be somewhere cleaner later on!These vats contain the special ninja dough used by the ninja baker to bake his ninja bread. I like the word 'ninja'!What's this? A strange pivoting table game... ask somebody to explain it to you...You'll have to ask for a game...Yeuch! The incriminating remains of the High Steward... very incriminating if you don't find some way of disposing of them!You'll need something suitable to clear the remains up into....The throne of Minar Tragedy... as long as it is occupied, the palace guards know that all is well with their tiny world...Hmmm.... this seems to be one of those special, extra valves that don't actually affect anything at all. Perhaps some of the other plumbing is more relevant...It's an empty cage. There's nothing inside it. None of us are getting any younger, if you take my meaning!Why! There's just a small hole where the ferry's crank handle ought to be....Why! There's just a small hole where the ferry's crank handle ought to be....The handle o' flushing! You should already know this if you live in a house with plumbing...More skidmarks than Monaco in Grand Prix week!It's an Elven Gift Voucher yet it bears an uncanny resemblance to a Warrant O' Death!It's a weapon. It's a fashion statement. It's a mallet.Hmmm... An expensive little trinket and, thanks to our uncommonly subtle naming of game objects, not unfeasibly difficult to work out what it's used for...This beef... there's something... pharmaceutical about it....Mmmm... donuts!A rolling pin, the preferred weapon of the Glasgow housewife, and a useful tool for the preparation of dough as well!An instrument of cutting, for use in the black arts of bakery!A rope! All adventurers need a rope!They're... plans! For a new kind of superhero! A super-gingerbread-man!!!A new, wide-screen palantir, with digital picture stabilisation and surround sound!It's a security door-entry card, marked with the name Mr Wolliston...It's a note from the game's designers, and it reads 'USE THE DOOR ENTRY CARD ON THE MORONICA DOOR, YOU MORON!'It's a compact yet stylish mobile phone.It's a cow. You can't go wrong with cows!Some giant.... er.... 'raisins'. Well, they do look like giant raisins.... from a distance... at night...The Spell O' Incontinence - faster than a speeding laxative, this spell will distress your enemies and amuse your friends. Avoid using in proximity with new carpets.An adjustable wrench - it grips, it tightens, it's been in the King's pocket - what more could you want?A super-size bottle of lavatory cleaner, that provides dazzling results with a pine fresh smell - kills all known germs and lake-dwelling monsters!It's Tubbaware, the handy plastic container system that keeps everything fresh with it's watertight seal!A suit of finest asbestos, crafted by the crafty dwarves. Never has there been a finer garment for protection from heat and flame...Hmmm... tasteless, but valuable all the same!Ah! The fabled steam-powered chainsaw of the Elder Folk. It is written that Bulltodger of Artichoke rode down from his mountain Ski-Lodge, and smote he single-handedly the numerous Armies Of Methanesmell who had come out of the East, intent on causing mischief. When almost all were slain, Bulltodger came face to face with the Chieftain Leader of the Armies, and the Chieftain Leader spoke unto him in a loud voice, saying 'Thou hast been and gone and slain my excellent armies, and I respect that. But tell me, how hast thou done this epic deed?' And Bulltodger answered him 'Lo! I have used this handy weapon, which I call a Steam-powered Chainsaw.' And the Chieftain waxed exceeding curious, and he came towards Bulltodger saying 'Let's have a closer look at that...' and Bulltodger obliged him and chainsawed his foul Chieftain head clean off. And the moral of this story is, don't get chainsawed in the head.What a lovely, thick duvet. It's almost... protective...It's a white, white sheet, not unlike those ones you see on washing powder commercials.There's a number of interesting entries in it, but the one that seems to catch my eye is 'Queen Galadrag and Big Jim Slade'... they sound like an interesting couple!It's a small, lady's hand-mirror and it is inscribed 'Property Of Queen Galadrag, Queen Of De Lorean'.It's a cork. It's big. And I'm getting paid to say this, regardless of whether it's a good script or not!The fabled Potassium Grail, spirit chalice of the north-eastern lands, and ornament of King Afro's coffee table! Handle it with care!I say! This is a stout-looking barrel! I'll bet a barrel like this could withstand a good few bumps and knocks...It's the Carte Blanche, which means 'white paper'. This is the highest honour that the King can bestow, lovely thick parchment too.These funky platform shoes are super-cool, daddy-oh!A talisman o' dancing! This makes it's wearer into an unstoppable machine, or at least, that's what the advert says on the Home Shopping Channel...Headstrong: The Industrial Strength Hairspray That's Flammable!It's just not the same running your fingers through somebody else's hair when they're not there...Wool! The key ingredient in every knitted garment, wool is quite different to body fluff which is rarely used to make cardigans.It's a brochure; a brochure of Sun, Sea and Tomfoolery! Do you want to catch some rays, to bronze up and get a tan? Well, affordable sunlight drips from every page of this informative publication!Hey! Get hip to the beat, daddy-oh! These threads will get you in with the in-crowd, you groovy chic.Cosmic, man! These happening' threads will get you in with the in-crowd and let you strut your funky stuff!This is not an ex-parrot. It continues to be...It's a lighter. It has the words 'Be especially careful not to use lighters in the presence of pressurised containers, ever, no matter how urgent or morally correct it seems to be.' written in very small print.Wow! Genuine Trendai brand sunglasses, with mirrored lenses inside and out!The Suspicious Sailor's Big Book Of Knots. This wonderful publication shows boys of all ages how to have endless fun tying, and untying, various different types of knots! What more could a growing lad want!Ooh! A sack!Ah! A caged child. Hungry little fellow by the looks of him, but he doesn't seem to talk much...Woollen underthings! That's what you want for those cold winter nights! Pity they're not your size... the proportions are more Elvish...It's one of those wonderfully witty signs that say 'Please Do Not Ask For Credit As A Punch In The Mouth Often Offends'. Oh, how timelessly amusing and clever!It's a wig.... well, technically speaking, anyway!Ah! A sock with a cricket ball in, the ceremonial weapon of the Ancient Ones Who Used To Dwell Here But Have Long Since Shut Up Shop And Moved To The City.It's.... a giant candle!It's a paper bag. I used to have a paper bag once.... not that you're interested of course, oh no, you'd rather be staying in luxury in some 5 star hotel in the Bahamas, WOULDN'T YOU! But I did have a paper bag all the same, and you can't take that away from me.... because I wasn't as fortunate as you... my paper bag burned to ashes in the great fire of seventy-three.... so just you count yourself lucky, okay?!It's a Kingdom O' Magic Action Figure, (not available in any shops, 93 to collect) with moveable arms and legs. This one is meant to be the High Steward Of Minar Tragedy... looks just like him, too!It's the Big Boys Book O' Spells.... special wipe-clean edition!It's a dirty great axe, the sort of thing that can be SO important in persuading other people to see your point of view!The fabled Sword O' Normalness. There's nothing special about this weapon!Ice... and I think it's melting!Aha! The legendary Sword O' Much Greatness, a mighty weapon, as anyone who's ever had it stuck through their guts will tell you!Microphone-shaped magic wand? It looks more like a microphone-shaped microphone to me!The Spell O' Airstrike! ShBEEP!Ah yes, the Spell O' Wizbang, a minor spell that does minor amounts of damage.Hmmm.... Spell O' Kick-In-The-Shins.... this causes a small amount of discomfort, roughly equivalent to being kicked in the shins by a small man with a moustache.Gadzooks! The Spell O' KolaGate Shield! This spell makes it's target resistant to decay and minty fresh!Magic beans? Yeah, sure they are...An aluminium baseball bat, the ancient and noble weapon of... the people who used aluminium baseball bats.An orc disguise! Never have I seen one so utterly convincing! Wearing this, one would become indistinguishable from any other orc...The Spell O' Teleportation! It is said that this spell will relocate any creature to a completely random place....Hay! It's delicious and nutritious... if you're a horse!Aha! The favourably reviewed Spell O' Dwarf, a great magic that makes your enemy feel small all over!It's an eye on a stick... actually, it looks like a goblin eye, now that I think about it...He's just your everyday little yellow fellow. He's very friendly, and would make somebody a good pet...A small key bearing the sinister trademark of the Dark Lord...A home-made flame-thrower comprising a lighter and a can of hairspray (don't try this at home, kids)!There's so many things you can do with a fist, but for now let's just use it to hit people!It's a sheep. Don't even think about it!What's this! Detailed plans showing how to make stilts! In the wrong hands, this could be useless!The Sabre O' Light, a specialist weapon for science fiction enthusiasts and people who want to fight in the dark.A jar filled with lightning.... be careful where you open it!The Spell O' Floater will cause your enemy to rise up into the air, perhaps even to drift away!The Spell O' Cabbage will turn your enemy into a small green vegetable for a limited time.Aha! The Spell O' Slowmo.... your enemies won't be in such a hurry to mess with you after this spell hits them!The recently released Spell O' Invisibility! Personally, I don't see what's so good about it...It's one of those crank handles used to start engines on old cars....Hmmm.... a wedding invitation from Don Elrondo, complete with a non-negotiable gift list....He's a cute little fellow, hungry for paper...Why! It's a genuine first-edition Spell O' Left The Gas On. Cast this spell, and your enemy will think he's left the gas on and possibly go home to turn it off!A genuine Wand O' Cattle Prodding, a splendid way to administer the short sharp shock treatment!Is this a loaf of bread I see before me? Well, yes, but it's got a sword baked inside it!Tragedy! Seldom have I seen such a sad sight, than this! What could be worse than a donut box without donuts?You can't go in there just now. They don't open until later!That establishment is closed at the moment. I should try again later!I don't know what you're trying to do, but it isn't working!I don't think you're getting anywhere with that.Perhaps you should try doing something else...Oh for PITY'S SAKE STOP THAT AND TRY SOMETHING ELSE! It isn't going to work!Ah! The old 'locked door' trick! Gets 'em every time!After your previous behaviour, you can't blame her for not wanting to talk to you!The way you've treated him so far, I'm not surprised he won't speak to you!You can't just mistreat someone and then expect them to sit down for a cosy chat with you!Meanwhile, somewhere else entirely...Suddenly, without warning...Guess what happens next!That spell didn't do much did it? Perhaps it was a dud... or perhaps this is one of those 'natural immunity' things.Look at that! Relocation right back to where they already were! What are the chances of that happening, a million to one?Got yourself killed, eh? Well, now you have to ask yourself, do I believe in reincarnation?That's the thing about reincarnation. It's not so much 'get a life' as 'get another life'... Here we go again!Thank goodness, I thought you'd never stop playing! It's not that I don't enjoy this, but if I'd know how much work was involved I'd have asked for an hourly rate...This handy paper bag conceals the incriminating evidence of your violent actions!Perfect! Nobody will miss the High Steward with this lifelike decoy on the throne!Oh great. Now I get to comment on a vibrating bed... that's just wonderful. This time last year I was doing Hamlet: Alas poor Yoric, I knew him well, and all that. Now a vibrating bed. My agent needs a kicking.It may look like a large boulder but, when viewed from a different angle, it becomes clear that it is, in fact, still a large boulder.Let's stop for a moment to consider the phrase 'Please Insert Coin'. What key part of that particular equation are you lacking in?Curiouser and curiouser! Some people might claim that this is a programming error, but we prefer to think of it as a clue; a great and glorious clue to the safer way into the mountain!It's an elevator. It takes you up. Later, it may take you down. Magic!Why! This looks like the sort of lock that would be used to access restricted floors on the elevator!He's stoned, man - daylight just doesn't agree with these factor 15 trolls!Not much of a weapon, is it? I'd much rather one of those Swiss Army knives, you know, the ones with that thing for getting stones out of horses hooves. They'd think twice about messing around with you if you had a thing for getting stones out of horses hooves....These are the Edam gates, no relation to Bill Gates. A man who's not short of a few gold coins, if you know what I mean.Ah sorry, too late! The Gorgon bought the last action figure a few days ago - this is a non-functioning display item and not for sale.It's a rocking chair and it's got that special 'old-person' smell about it...Oooh! What a clean, fresh smell! Never have I seen sewage so shiny!You've come to this house, on the day of his daughter's wedding, and you want to fight him? Even Luca Brazi wouldn't be so dishonourable!Hmmmm.......sturdy looking chain!Now then! You don't get changed on the dance-floor! Go outside if you want to do that sort of thing!This is neither the time nor the place to be wearing such a thing!Maybe it's just me, but what you're wearing suddenly seems rather inappropriate...These warning signs are a great help, don't you think?You can't steal the Tubbaware with live Gnomes still running around!That can't be taken - it must be earned!That's the emergency exit from the Hall O' Dancing - you can't go in that way - the entrance is on the square, just up the street. You can't miss it.Speak to the Innkeeper if you want a room for the night.Er....I've got a bad feeling about going in there....Now then, I should turn my attention to that retina-scan thing on the wall there...but be careful!Ooh! That's the Dark Lord's dark front door! You don't want to be going in there!You can't go in there - it's too heavily guarded.Leave that cabbage alone! It has nothing to say to you!Wait until they've come down...Who are you talking to? Remember that muttering away to yourself is the first sign of madness, but in this game that's no bad thing!It's worse than that; he's dead, Jim!Please insert the Shah-Ron CD, then hit Return! Go on, you know you want to!Please insert the Thidney CD, then press the Return key! You know it makes sense!Wrong CD, insect brain! Try again, then press the Return key, remembering always that there are slugs in the jungles of Africa that could have done this first time!Please insert the Shah-Ron CD! Go on, you know you want to!Please insert the Thidney CD! You know it makes sense!Wrong CD, insect brain! Try again, remembering always that there are slugs in the jungles of Africa that could have done this first time!You have taken the CD out of the drive. Put it back straight away or I will come round to your house and beat you to death!It appears that, despite my clear instructions, you have put an inferior CD in your drive. In the best traditions of negative reinforcement, we have erased a number of sections from the said CD, for this and any subsequent errors. Paying attention now, are we? Good. Lets try again.Oops! You appear to have chosen incorrectly. Try again!I guess they just don't appreciate orcs around these parts.You can't go in there just now... try again in the morning.Now isn't a good time to be going in there... come back tonight and try again.The parrot is securely tucked away inside the sack... best place for it, if you ask me.It's a lump of dough. If you don't believe me, just try moving the pointer over it again and watching the text in the menu bar; you'll see I'm right.Watch yourself! That parrot will have your arm off if you're not careful! I should find some suitable container for such a beast - perhaps some kind of large cloth bag?It's much safer carrying the Palantir in a box...Ah. Now I would think twice about using a flame-thrower round here... the trees can get a bit upset about burning things!Perhaps you should reconsider using the chainsaw here. Remember, the chainsaw is the natural-born enemy of trees and... well, there's a lot of trees around here that I'm sure you wouldn't want to upset!No need for that; this toilet is equipped with 'Magic-Rimblok', the unwisely titled bleach dispenser that cleans as you flush!As if by magic... the shopkeeper appeared!Oh dear. It appears that the toilet is blocked!I wouldn't use that toilet if I were you... it's blocked!There's no point pouring bleach down there - the toilet is blocked!I'd like to introduce you to Rupert my little upstart apprentice, who knows everything - or thinks he does.Who on earth was that?Ah, yes, my saucy apprentice Rupert will explain about that.Well thank you Rupert, but I think that's quite enough..Rupert comes in to look after things when I have to go...where we all have to go.Sorry, there is no answer. Please check the number you are trying to dial.Sorry, but you have insufficient funds in your account. Please try later.Tremble with fear, mere mortal. I am the ghost of this barrow, and you're trespassing. Leave this place immediately, or you will experience regret!Right, you've been warned. This is for your own good, you grave-robber from outer space, you!Hello! You must be my new neighbour-ghost from the next barrow. I expect you've come over to borrow a cup of sugar or something, haven't you? Yes, of course you have... well, here's an old cup-like chalice-thing... sorry I haven't got any sugar to put in it... Bye!Hello again, neighbour-ghost from the next barrow. Make yourself at home while I go out haunting...It's a secret button, so don't tell anyone I told you!Watch out for the slippery brown patches when you climb this beanstalk.It's a boulder with a rope tied to it, or a rope with a boulder tied to it, depending on how you look at these things.You can play with your action figure once you've tidied up the mess you made playing with your sword!Trust me - this weighty boulder is tied in with a major problem. Don't use it yet...You need more weight on that rope.But what will you tie the other end to? Wait a while, and see what comes along...This fine arcade sub-game was removed at the last minute due to 'alleged' legal problems. What do you call a thousand lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A good start!Ho Ho Ho!The gates are closed. Do not touch the gates. Move away from the gates. Any further attempts to approach the gates will result in this message being played again!That establishment is closed at the moment.Isn't it strange how people won't speak to you when you're poor!And now, another Crime-Smashers exclusive reconstruction: earlier today, this fire-breathing dragon, on a peaceful mission to the gold vaults of Flake Town, stopped at the barrow of local fruit-seller Mark Nixon. His three assailants are described as elvish, smartly dressed, and extremely similar. Were you in the area? Did you see anything that might be helpful? Perhaps you were standing only two feet away, filming everything on a handy camcorder? The wounded dragon was later robbed while recovering in his treasure rooms, so if you remember anything that might make an interesting follow-up report, call us now on the number that we'll give you at the end of the programme!Using the candle here might set off a deadly chain reaction... I should don some sort of protective suit first!You can't take the Potassium Grail without some kind of completely watertight container!You've got a wig... use it!When normal weapons just won't do, reach for those incendiary devices!Sealed in Tubbaware, this Potassium Grail will stay crisp and fresh for days.You can't go in there just now.Oooh! What a clean, fresh smell! smell!
