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34.PNE
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Text File
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1987-04-22
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8KB
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321 lines
First, there were jokes.........
and then came these terrible efforts.
HERE WE GO!!!
q:How many nuclear physicists does it
take to change a lightbulb?
a:ten, one to put it in and the other
9 to work where to dispose of the old
one for the next 20,000,000,000 years.
**************************************
q:did you hear about the amiga user
driving instructor?
a: he drove into a river to show his
pupil how to dip the headlights.
**************************************
An amiga owner who was a student in
engineering was on a visit to a pit,
when the foreman asked him how much
experience he had.
student:"not very much "
foreman:"not very much!, you must at
least know about the gas regulations"
student: "well i know it's gas mark 5
for perfect sponge puddings"
**************************************
The government has announced a
radical new scheme to shorten the dole
queues.
Everyone is to stand closer to the one
in front.
**************************************
Q: What's pink and hard?
a: a pig with a tattoo.
**************************************
A small boy gets lost at a footy match
so he looks for a copper.
boy: I've lost me dad.
copper: what's he like?
boy: women and beer.
**************************************
It was only the fourth week of the
football season and the villa goalie
had already let in 50 goals. He was
having a drink in the pub one night
when a man came up to him and said
"I've been watching you play mate and
i think i can help you"
"are you a trainer?" said the goalie
"No i'm an optician"
**************************************
Q: What's the difference between an
essex girl and a supermarket trolley?
A: A supermarket trolley has a mind of
it's own
**************************************
Here's a few more jokes for your
'zine Tony, i hope you don't mind the
first one, i thought it funny anyway.
So here goes....................
*************************************
The wife of a Lancashire man died,
and the inscription he chose for her
headstone was: LORD SHE IS THINE.
When he went to have a look at the
grave a few weeks later he noticed
that the stone actually read: LORD
SHE IS THIN. He went back to see the
stonemason and told him he had left
out the E. So the stonemason said he
would correct it.
When the husband visited the grave
the next time round, the grave said:
EE LORD, SHE IS THIN.
*************************************
MOUNTAINEER: See that crevasse over
there, my mountain guide fell into
that a few weeks ago.
FRIEND: And you're telling me just
like that.
M: Well it was an old one, and there
were a few pages missing.
*************************************
Wife and Mother in Law Jokes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By Deano
~~~~~~~~~~
I'm sat in front of my STE, looming
over the keyboard, trying to think of
what to write, when I remembered that
there was a Joke Page in an early issue
of 'STOSSER', so I thought I would
write my own for it.
One of the largest subjects in Jokes is
the one man's dedication to his wife
and her mother, you hear the jokes in
pubs and on telly and for many years,
the Wife and Mother in Law jokes have
been a popular source of entertainment,
so this page is dedicated to them.
Now there are some women who find these
type of jokes offensive, if you are a
women and you feel this way then don't
read any futher but please bear in mind
that these jokes are not in any way
intended to offend but to be enjoyed.
Any man that tells these jokes has two
wifes. One he's married to and a make
believe one he jokes about, well I hope
I've made my point clear and I won't be
getting loads of Hate Mail from women.
Anyway... Lets get on with it, here is
a compilation of the best jokes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have I ever told you about the wifes
mother? She's so ugly that when she
goes in the kitchen, the mice jump up
on chairs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've known her for 5 years, and I'm
happy to say, that in all that time
we've only fought three times.....
Morning, Noon and Night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes, I've been married for 14 years
now, thats two broken mirrors.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm not saying the wife's mother is
ugly, but the other day she was walking
through a dark alley when a Rapist
jumped out and ignored her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I would'nt say she was fat, but every
time she bends down we lose an hour's
daylight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I would'nt say the wife's a bad cook,
but once she managed to put a sprout
into Orbit. Then there once the time
when she made an upside down cake.. and
it turned out the right way up, I told
her I wanted beans on toast for dinner,
and we spent all day trying to get the
beans out of the Toaster.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well... you know what women are like
for shopping, she dragged me into a
clothes store and spent 6 hours
choosing a dress, she asked me if I
would like to see her in something long
and flowing, to which I replied.......
Yes, the nearest river.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At our wedding, the wife's mother cried
many tears, I don't know whever they
were for the wife or me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aye, the vicar said to me, "Do you take
this women or is it Candid Camera?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the service I said "Vicar!! that
was a fantasic service, how much do I
owe you for it?"
He repiled "You pay according to the
beauty of the bride!"
So I looked at the wife and give the
vicar 10p. He looked at her and said
"hang on, you want some change."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a knock at the door the other
day, I could tell it was the wife's
mother cos the mice were throwing
themselves on the traps.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She said that when she was dead I would
dance on her grave, but that won't
happen, I don't like queues.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm telling you mate, don't let a women
get her own way, if she does try, then
tell her she can do the dishes herself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two men were talking, one said "My
wife's an angel", the other said
"You're lucky, mine's still alive."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I opened the door once and there stood
her mother in the pouring rain, I said
"don't stand out there in the rain
getting wet...Go home."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you seen the wife, at Christmas
we hang HER up and kiss the missletoe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She can be so childish at times, the
other day we had a row and she went
into the bedroom and completely broke
my Action Man.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've tried being nice to her mother, I
said "My house is your house", and the
next day she sold it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When she sings, her voice fills the
room, people leave to make room for it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She said "Can my mother come up for
dinner?", I said "Why?... Whats wrong
with the cellar?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I lost my first wife on holiday, we
were stood by a wishing well and she
fell in... I was surprised, I never
knew those things worked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were courting, she took me back
to her place and said "Pour yourself a
drink, I'm going to slip into something
cool.", an hour later I found her
asleep in the Fridge.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well thats the lot for now, if these
jokes are popular then I'll do a few
more, but till then, enjoy these.
Deano