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1987-04-22
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0660103030566
1
2page #
9[.....................................................]
üWhateverHappenedtoDecentSuperheroes????Ç
éThisisanincrediblyself-indulgentstory,concerningvarious
peopleknowntome,butnotnecessarilyalltoeachotheratthe
sametime..Certainpseudonymsareused,andthosepeoplereading
itmaywellenjoyashockofrecognition,orsomethingofthe
sort..Ihopetherestofyouwillenjoythestoryanyway..Iknow
Idid..-CIH
Ç
(ChapterOne)
äAmagnificentSunsetofdeepestbloodfilledtheroom,threading
itswayaroundthehalfshutteredblinds,obscuringagiant
shadowyformflowinginexorablyinmydirection,avoicespoke
fromthedepths,,
"Getyourpoundout,it'stimefortheraffle..."
Ç
"ButIneverwin,it'salwaysafix..."Theusualgoodhumoured
comments,thisthesceneatasmallcomputerclubinaneven
smallertowninCentralEngland,Fridayevening..Thisscenesadly
nevertobeseenagainasalltheparticipantslivesweretobe
transformed.shattered,andsomeendedbythemosthideously
deformedandimprobablemeglomaniacsuper-herovillaineverto
escapefromtheconfinesofanauthor'simagination..
üSTOS-MAN!!!!!!!!!!Ç
Normallyharmlessenoughwithobsessiveravingsoveranobscure
andnottoopowerfulBASICvariant,andnormallylefttohisown
privateX-Certificatedevices,üSTOS-MANÇhasacquiredthetoolsto
remake(Selectedbitsof)theWorldinhisstrangejerkyjumpy
badlycolouredimage...Thenormalcrisis-managementservices,the
Police,Army,MI5,KGB,MOSSAD,KateAdie,DYNO-ROD,TheTexas
HomecareDIYstorechainallstandhelplessandunabletolift
evenasprainedfingertohelp..Allthenormalsuperheroes,
üSuperman,Spiderman,CaptAmerica,TheIncredibleHulk,Batman,
FellatioManÇ,areallinretirement,orwon'tgetoutofbedfor
lessthanhalfamillion..Itislefttothecheapestavailable,
andcertainlythestrangestcollectionofsuperheroes..
THEWELLINGBORO'KLUBKLAN
ij
ÇOtherwiseknownas'Thoseprickswhoweardaygloanoraks..'
ä(YoumayaskhowTexasHomecarecanbeclassedas'Crisis
Management'-Quitesimple-Everybankholiday,theysuccessfully
concentratealltheextremelysadpeoplewholiveinfamilygroups
withintheirpremises,keepingthemoutofeveryoneelse'sway..
Youcouldarguetheyshouldturnagoodjobintoabrilliantjob
byfillingtheirsprinklersystemswithnervegasandturning
themon...Iwould..)
Ç
Wenowheadtothedownstairsbar,underthecarefuleyeofüJeff
theBaldEagleÇ,whereanewsbulletingivesgraphicdetailofthe
destructionofNewYork...
üBaldEagle'sÇsuper-barmanabilitieshasaroundofdrinksserved
toalltheothersuperheroesinthevicinityin3.5seconds..
Exhaustedbytheeffort,herocksbackonhisheelsbaldlygoing
wherenomanhasgonebefore(Groan!)
ä..........Believedthataninitialdemandforalargebagof
money,ahotelroomwithafullystockedminibar,andchoiceof
'MissAmerica'contestanttosleepwithwasturneddownbythe
authorities,threehourslateràSTOS-MANästruckinNewYorkwith
devastatingconsequences..."
ü
ÇThebroadcastswitchedtoaaerialviewofNewYork,the
vibrantseedymetropolistransformedintounconvincingredand
blockyskyscrapersbeingslowlyeatenawaybytotallynaffo'Erase
blockatco-ordinatesx,y,z'"Explosions"causedby2x2pixel
stick-bombsdroppedfromverypoorlyanimatedbrightgreen8x8
pixelbiplanes,inastrictlyback-bedroonprogrammed'Blitz'
game..(Sorrywasthatsentencetoolong?)
Theimagegrewmoreandmoreunsteady,finallyjerkingtoastop
withtheimmortalmessageonscreen"NewyoRKdetroYed,960points;
yUwin..........................
AnothErGo.Y/N.."
ä"TheseimagesweretakenanhouragofromtheCNNhelicopter..
ThereislittlehopeofanyonesurvivinginNewYorktonight,and
theWorldmustwatchandwonderwhathappensnext...Nowoverto
JeremyPaxofortherestofthedaysnewsandConcentratedEgo-
massage.."
"Yerrsss,Ihaveabignose...."
ÇTwoofthefiguresinthebarturnedawayfromthedespairwashing
fromthescreen...
üTheSuperMagicomBrothersÇbringtheirmightyintelligenceinan
aluminiumcasetotheclub,lockssnapopen,morepintsarepulled
üSuperMagicomBrosÇareüQuaser(AKATheGreatSarcasto..)Çand
üWizard(AkaSolderMan)..
Ç
"Mark,Ireallythinkweshouldtalkaboutthis.Didyoubuild
üSTOS-MANÇthatUniversaljammerheusedinnewYorktosubvertall
theTV,radio,SatelliteandCablechannels,thendestroythe
place.."
(Putsdownlight-bazooka)
"Dave,yes,Ithoughtitwasonlygoingtobeusedforalaugh,
youknow,liketheäRadioFart-NoiseÇtransmissionwedidonChannel
FourwhenäBrooksideÇshouldhavebeenon...Andnobodynoticedany
difference.."
"That'sbecausewedidthefartswithaLiverpoolAccent..Anyway,
Ithoughtthatthejammerwasharmless.."
"Itwas,Ithink,untilheteamedupwithabunchofDeranged
ScottishSTOSfreakswhoturnedthejammerintoaRealityDehancer
♪①whichconvertsanythingreachedbyitintoSTOSBasiclistings..
Bytheway,whathappenedtotheteamwesenttoNewYorktotry
tostophim?"
"YoumeanüBeigeManÇandüCaptainFishfingerÇ..WellBeigeManwas
supposedtopassun-noticedinhisbeigeclothing,gettingclose
enoughtobullshitSTOS-MANintoacoma,thenCaptFishfinger
wouldphonethepoliceinhisbig,awkwardfashion,butBeigeMan
wastooeasilyspottedastheonlyblandmaninoneofthemost
interestingcitiesintheworld,andSTOS-MANcapturedthemboth..
They'rebeingheldprisonerontheSTOS-O-MATICAirship.."
(Picksuppintofurinecolouredliquid,üPixieÇ,anotherofthe
heroes,whomyouwillhearmoreaboutlater,isdoing
unmentionablethingswithasolderingirontoaninnocentST,
Nobodytellshimtostopit,theyarealltoopreoccupiedwiththe
eveningsterribleevents..)
Thislefttheteamwiththeunenviableproblemofwhattodonext,
itwasnotaclassicclubmeeting,asseveralkeypeoplewere
missing,andthedoomyatmospherekilledoffanypossibilityof
enjoyment..ThenextstepwastofindoutwhereüSTOS-MANÇwould
strikenext....Thesettingsunfinallyfelloffit'sperch,
knowingwhatwascomingnext...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(ChapterTwo...Later...)
AdarkalleyinBedford,(Habitat'DarkAlley'completewith
overflowingdustbin,cat,andsinisterfigurewaitinginthehalf-
shadow.)Twootherpeopleleapoutofadoorandgrabthewaiting
person,mufflinghiscriesforhelpwiththeaidofalargewooden
club-typeobject...
"üMmmÇmmmämmmmàppÇhhh!Hellp!"
üQuaserÇ(YesitishegrabsholdofüStaticBoyÇ,anotherclub
regularwhowasnotthereearlier..üStaticBoyÇhasbullshitting
abilitiesonlysecondtoüBeigeManÇ,andtheabilitytoarouse
extremeemotionsinpeoplearoundhim(Mainlyhatred)butthose
aretheextentofhissuper-powersasheiscomingoffworstin
thispresentstrugglewithüQuaserÇ...Justthen,üStaticBoyÇchooses
toshowoffhisnewlydevelopedSuperGoing-to-the-toilet-in-his-
Trouserspowers....
"Eeeuuurrgh,youdirtylittlebastard,whydidyoudothat!"
"Er,helloDave,everythingokthen?Couldn'tmakeittotheclub
tonight,Iwasbusy.."
AsmallpuddleformsatüStaticBoy'sÇfeet..Thispuddleniffsa
bitnow,andwillsmellagreatdealworseinthemorning..
"Yes,wethinkitwassomethingtodowithüSTOS-MANÇ,andyouknow
whereheisnow,don'tyou...Wellyoucantellmenoworget
anotherbeating,youlittleshit.."
"NoDave,don't...Ionlygavehimtheplansforthelow-quality
hissyaudiosampleplayerfortheSTOS-O-MATIC,Idon'tknowwhat
hewasdoingafterNewYork,Ididn'tknowabouttheDehancer,
please....."
"You'relying..!"
AswiftkicktothesideoftheheadleavesüStaticBoyÇ
slumpedunconscious..üQuaserÇexitsright...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ä
12.03am,SomewhereoverthePacific...Ç
Sometimeintheafternoon,theSTOS-O-MATIChadcrossedthe
WesterncoastoftheUnitedStates,slippingpastthestateofthe
artAirDefenceradarsandF15Interceptorsbythesimpleuseof
STOS-STEALTH,nowthedimlylitcoastlinewasafadingjewelin
thememory..
Inhispaddedcabin,üSTOS-MANÇwasabletolookbackonthe
previousday'sachievements..Theairshipenginesthrobbedina
lowbassykey...TheysaidaSTOSDehancerwasimpossible,but
withScottishSTOSpower,thisearlyimpossiblycrudeversionhad
destroyedNewYork..AtthismomenttheMarkIIversionwas
runningunderBetaTestandshouldbereadyintimeforJapan...
Thiswoulddestroytheconsolesforever...
üSTOS-MANÇstartedtorecordhisransomdemand(reasonablystated
thelasttime,butlaughedoffbytheauthorities)..Whilst
thinkingofincludingaselectionofseveralslim,pert-bosomed
Japanesecall-girls,aslightlymuffledseriesofscreamsfrom
belowremindedhimofhisprisoners..Theclubweretakingan
interest,asthescreamsremindedhim..üBeigeManÇmusthavehis
bullshittingmetwithextremepain..OneoftheSTOS-O-MATIC's
moreusefulfeatureswasafullyequippedtorturechamber...Soon,
allthelosersfromtheclubwouldbeinthere..Itwouldbea
shameforüQuaserÇandüWizardÇ,perhapsitwouldbebetterifthey
diedbeforethen...
AKnockonthecabindoorbroughtüSTOS-MANÇrudelybackintothe
immediatepresent,thedooropenedtorevealüSTOS-MAN'sÇsecond-in-
commandüTrotskyCorruptionÇ...
"BedtimeCupofCocoasir...Oh,andsomeofthemenarereadyfor
a'Hail-STOS'parade,couldyoucomedowntothefrontcompartment
sir,theywouldbeverypleasedtoseeyou.."
"You'realazybastardandnomistake."GruntedüSTOS-MANÇ...
"Where'smybrightgreendressuniformwithloadsofgold
epaulettes..."
"Hangingonthebackofthechair,say,howsoonuntilwe'do'
Tokyosir??"
"Classifiedinformation.."äIndistinctclothingsoundsandzips
fasteninginSTOSÇ..."Right,let'sgetitoverwith..."ä
Ç
äAbitlater...Ç
Thelastechoingcriesdyingaway,üSTOS-MAN'sÇheadjoinedthe
pillowforalongandrefreshingsleep...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter3,aboutthesamesortoftime...
äDaveandMark'sHouse..,theweesmallhours...ÇNorestatallfor
theüSuperMagicomBrothersÇwhoareupallnightinthemiddleofa
midnight-oilburningcrisissession..
ä
Ç*The'midnightoil'inquestionbelongingtoPowerGen,andpaid
forbymumanddad,sonoproblemsthere..*Thereissomethingof
afriedfoodandfart-gaspersistentodourhanginguneasilyabout
theplace,inthebackground,aPCistryingtologontooneof
thejuicierBulletinBoardswithoutsuccess...
"WellMark,Isuggestwegostraightforhisthroatwithno
messingabout,Idefecateinthetooth-mugofdanger,Ido..."
Justthen,Gareth,orüTheBlueUnderpantÇtohiscontemporaries
enterstheroom..Heisjustlyfamedforhavingunderpantswhich
cansafelyaccomodateanentireTrans-Himalayaexpedition,Range-
Roversandall,hisentryhasaslightlyunexpectedqualityabout
it,heiswildeyedandexcitedandonlyjustcoherent..
"Higuys,gotsomegreatnewdemosforyou,hearyou'recallinga
generalclubmobilisationtodealwithüSTOS-ManÇ,wellcountme
in.."Garethgaspedoutbreathlessly...
"Ohshit,IsupposeyoutoldeveryoneaboutthismeetingMark,I
betüPixieÇwillturnupinaminute..."
Justthen,üPixieÇHodgescameintothesmallalready-overcrowded
bedroom..üQuaserÇdesparatelypumpedoncemore,themiasmarising
madeeverybody'seyeballsbleed,butnobodymoved..üPixieÇmanaged
tochokeoutatwentyminutemonologuewhicheverybodyelse
ignored..Theyweretoobusythrowingupandretchingontothe
nearestconvenientflatsurfaceinstead...
Justthen,Garethlookedcloselyatthesinistercollectionof
surgicaltoolsgatheredinonecorner,focusedinonthesurgical
blueprinttitled"UnderpantRobo-enhancementprocedure"and
thenpanicked..Leapingforthedoor,hetwistedthehandle,only
tobecaughtfullinthefacebyoneofüQuaser'Çsanaesthetic
ether-methane'specials'...Gareth'sconsciousworldflickered
thenwenttoblack...
üQuaser,WizardÇandüPixieÇthenbundledGarethontothesuddenly
appearedoperatingtablewhichwaswhereüQuaser'sÇbedusually
was,shruggedtheirshouldersandthespeciallysharpenedscalpel
startedseparatingGareth'slayersofskinandmuscle...
ü
äSomeHourslaterà....
Ç"PassthesparebuttocksDave,I'mreadytobeginclosing-upina
minute...Doyouwanttostartpreliminaryconsciousness-threshold
raisingandbringhimroundabit..Thisisgoingtotakealotof
explanationsandwe'rebetteroffstartingassoonaspossible.."
AnotherusedsurgicalscalpelädingsÇnoisilyinthebucketandthe
soundsofstitchingandsolderingstart,alife-supportmachine
builtoutofoldSpectrumpartsbeepsloudly,thesurgically
gownedfigureofüQuaserÇtapstentativelyonthefaceplateofüROBO-
UNDERPANTÇ..
WhatwasonceGarethstutteredtolife,hesawthroughagridded
low-resblockystreenvagueimpressionsofshadowpeople..
"HangonaminuteGareth,let'sadjusttheresolution...There.."
AstaticäfizzÇburstsandinasecond,heisabletomakeouthis
surroundingsperfectly..Thecross-hairgridisstillthere,and
totheleftofhisperipheralvision,severalrowsofdataand
statisticsflashpastinlovelycomputer-green..
"W-whathappened,Ican'tmove...Whathaveyoudonetome???"
"äWe-e-ellllÇGareth,it'slikethis,wefeltthatüTheBlue
UnderpantÇcouldnotcopeonhisownwiththethreatofüSTOS-ManÇ
andworlddomination,sowedecidedtoaddsomesparebottomparts
thatüQuaserÇhadlyingaroundforincreasedpump-power,andencase
theupperhalfofyourbodywithoverthetopridiculousarmour
plating..I'msorrywecouldnotwaitforyoutobefatally
woundedinthelineofduty,butthisisanemergency..."
"àYouBastards....Ç"
"Mark,cutthevoiceboxoff...."
"üYOUABSOLUTEFUCKINGFILTHYLITTLEBASTARDS!!!!!Ç"
"Mark,nowplease..."
"üVszzzZZtt!"Ç
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ChapterFour-Wakeupcall....6.00am
Slowlywipingthesleepfromtheireyes,theteamhadgathered
togetheroutside..Inaddition,severalotherclubpeoplewere
there,includingüBobthePrinterÇ,theleaderoftheüDTPGangÇ,the
restoftheüDTPGangÇwhowereraringtogoandnailanystrayIMG
Filestothefloor..Whenitwasexplainedthemissionwas
actuallytryingtonailüSTOS-MANÇ,whohaddestroyedNewYorkon
thetellylastnight,theyturnedverypaleandquiet.Oneortwo
ofthemweptalittle..
AlsoüRobb-ManÇ,whohadtobringalonghisassortedinfants,these
wereloadedintotheluggagespaceofthejam-packedPixiePope-
Mobile..Gareth,nowüRobo-UnderpantÇstaredresentfullyateveryone
else,deeplyunhappywithhisforcedmodifications..
"Doesanyoneknowwherewearegoing"spakeBobthePrinter
"Ithinkit'sJapan,asatinyinsignificant40x20foot
billboardposterleftontheremainsofformerNewYorksaid
'äWe'reofftokilltheConsolesforgood-LoveSTOS-MAN..'ÇJust
goestoshowyoushouldwatchALLthenews,andnotjustthebits
withJeremyPaxo.."RepliedWizard...
ä(FormerNewYork,similartoFORMERYUGOSLAVIA!?!)Ç
"Doyouthinkwe'vegottimetofindandkick-inüStaticBoyÇbefore
wego?"askedeveryone...
Justthen,thePixiePope-Mobileboostedtomaximumturbo-power,
thescreamofhigh-poweredthrustersmakinganymoreconversation
pointless....
----BreakfastTime,twodayslater-----
TheStos-O-Matic,captain'squartersasilverbreakfasttray
arriveswithüTrotskyCorruptionÇclosebehindit.
"Morningsir,theboyshavebeenupmostofthenightontheMark
2(STOSDehancer)They'rethinkingofcallingitäMistyÇ,üTopNotch,
Eddie,ÇandüWheeetheFibbleÇarereadytogo,onlyacoupleofbugs
leftnow..ItlookslikewearriveatTokyomid-morning.."
"Kerrist,Ihatecheerfulpeoplethisearly,let'sseewhat'sfor
breakfast,,STOS-EggsandBacon!!IstherenoREALFOODonthis
damnship!!"
ExpertlyduckingawayfromthebalefulglareofSTOS-Man,Trotsky
rushedoutofthecompartmentyelling"He'sreallypissed-off
today,SayonaraTokyo!"
----BreakfastTime,twodayslater----
JapaneseSelf-DefenceForceAirdefenceheadquarters..
AlthoughtheSTOS-O-Maticwasimmunetoradardetection,infra-red
detectorshadpickedupamassiveheat-profilewhichcouldonlybe
comparedtoasmallindustrialestate20,000feetup,butputting
twoandtwotogetherandgettingfourthousandandseventyeight,
theycorrectlydeducedthiswastheSTOS-O-Matic,about150miles
outtosea,butapproachingonastraightcourseforTokyo..
Ahandgoestothealertphone,twoQuickReactionAlertF15
Eaglespowerupintheirconcreteenclosures,awaitingtheorder
forOFF!-Thisfollowsscantsecondslater,andtheyroaroff
downthelongconcretestrip,thecracklingturbofanroar
diminishesintoemptygreymorningsilenceastheydepart..
----BreakfastTime,twodayslater----
ThePixiePope-Mobileismakinggoodtimeandissomewhereover
SiberiafastapproachingtheEasterncoast,theprevioustwodays
havebeenaconcentrateddoseofhell..Therehaveonlybeena
coupleofstops,oneatamotorwayservicestationnearGdansk,
onlylongenoughforPixietosmokeacoupleofuncertain
cigarettes,andtheothernearasmallhillinTblisifor
everybodytogetoutforapiss...Inthemeantime,Pixietalks
enthusiasticallyabouteverythingheknows,oftenmorethanonce,
untileveryoneinthecarstartedtorepeatverbatimthestory
aboutTerryPratchett's"Trial"andscreamatthesametime...
Needlesstosay,nervesareonedge,whenausuallyinconspicious
lightonthePixiemobiledashboardblinksfuriouslyred..
"Holdoneverybody,we'rebeingscannedbygroundradar,standby
forevasivemanouvres.."
Everybodytookuptheirappointedstations,Quaserletflyseveral
hugefartsoutoftherearwindow,producingdensecloudsof
radar-jamminggas,acoupleofRobb'ssparechildrenwerethrown
outofthebacktogiveanyincomingmissilessomethingtolockon
to,andeverybodyelsejustcringedonthefloorasPixie
franticallyweavedtoavoidwhatturnedouttobejustan
imaginaryattack..
EverybodyelsewasfocusingontheSTOS-O-MATIC...
----TheSTOS-O-MATIC,Shortlyafterthebitbefore------
TherewasapalpablesmelloffearandScottishnessontheflight
deckastheincomingfighterplaneswereregistered....üTOPNOTCHÇ,
visiblynervous,hoppingononefoot...
"ButtheSTOS-Dehancerinit'spresentMarkII,semi-debugged
versionisaone-useonlyweapon..Youuseitnow,wecan'tsetit
uptoattackTokyoforanotherthreehours!!Whatarewegoingto
do???"
üSTOS-MANÇcontemplatedtherapidlygrowingcrisis,andseeingthe
enormoustestoffaithinhisleadershippickedupthenearby
half-emptywhiskybottle,drainingitdeep..Afterturningpurple
andcoughingfuriouslyforabit,heuttered"LETTHESTOS-CANNONS
TAKECAREOFIT,THEREAREONLYTWOOFTHEMAFTERALL!"
Severaldecksbelow,arapid-beatjudderingtoldofbadpiecesof
codebeingfiredatextremelyhighvelocityagainstthe
attackers..
ThetwofightersapproachedrapidlyfromtheSouthwest,some
fifteenmilesoutfromtheSTOS-O-MATIC,theleadaircraftstarted
tolock-ononeofhisAIM-9MSidewinderAir-to-airmissiles.These
beinghandilyheat-seaking,andtheSTOS-O-MATIChavingathermal
signatureofamanundergoingspontaneouscombustioninafur
coat.Justthen,thefirstarrivalsfromtheSTOS-Cannonsimpacted
inthenosecone,aparticularlylousyplatform-gameinfiltrated
itselfintotheaircraft'ssystems...
Bothenginescut,theF15lurchedgroundwards,wobblinghelplessly
towardsthewaitingsea...Afteraboutfiveseconds,thepilot
ejectedsafely,onlytobehitbyanotherSTOS-shrapnelfragment
andinstantlyturnedintoasharewaregame...ThesurvivingF15
smartlyduckedoutofrangetoreconsiderhisapproach..
-----------------------
ThebansheecheersandshoutsontheSTOS-O-MATICgavewayslowly
totherealisationofanotherforeignbodyonthedetectors..
üEddie,Çfranticallyadjustedtheresolution.."It'snogoodsir,
it'sstillblocky..."
"Waitaminute!!"saidüSTOS-MANÇ,"Idobelievethat'sthePIXIE-
MOBILE!!There'snothingelseTHATblockythatcanfly..Anyway,
themassscanindicatesit'smostlymadeoutoffibreglass,andif
that'snotagiveaway,Idon'tknowwhatis!!RAPIDFIRE240
DEGREESWEST!!"
Pixiehadanticipatedthis,andleanedawayexpertlyfromthe
incomingbarrageofineptcode..Whattookhimcompletelyby
surprisewasthesecondJapaneseF15thatwasbusilyinserting
itselfbackintothepicture..Nottrainedtodistinguishbetween
strangebuthelpfulintruders,andjustplainbadones,heopened
fire,ignoringmissiles,andmakingthepointwiththeinternal
20mmVulcanrotarycannon....
Asuddenshockingseriesofsharpjoltsandkicksonthefloorof
thePixie-Mobilewasfollowedbycloudsofdensesmokeandbright
sparkingflames..Theturbo-boosterfadedandstuttered...üQuaser,
ÇandüWizardÇleaptonthebackofüRobo-UnderpantÇ,crawlinginside
hiscapaciousundergarmentswhichdoubledupasahandyhang-
glider/parachute/survivalraft..
MeanwhilePixie,thelowerhalfofhistorsosmashedbythecannon
shellscrazilydrovetowardstheSTOS-O-MATICinado-or-die
attempttogetonboard,ordietrying,üRobo-UnderpantÇleaptout,
knickersoutstretched...Theerraticcourseofthefatallydamaged
Pixie-Mobileconfusedthesensors,andgun-layingradaronthe
STOS-O-MATICjustenoughtoletthePixie-Mobilecollidewithit..
--------------------------
Theresultingblastthreweveryoneontothefloor..üTrotsky
CorruptionÇwithseveralnastycutstohisheadwasthefirstup,
andthefirsttoconsulttheSTOS-O-MATICflightprofileread-
outs.."OhShit!"wasallhehadtosay.."OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT!!!"
ü'Emergency!Emergency!-Superheroesonboard!Situationcritical!
ManyourBattle-stations,thisisNOT,repeatNOTadrill!!"
Ç
Thatwastheautomaticalarm...
"Muttley,DOSOMETHING!!!"üSTOS-MANÇyelled,callingupacertain
cartoonmemoryfromhischildhoodsubconscious...
---------------------------
InsidetheruinedPixie-Mobile,thesurvivorsblearilycollected
themselvesoffthefloor,üPixieÇhadclearlybreathedhislast,
eyesfixedopen,glazed,mouthalsohangingopeninhopeful
anticipationofonemoretediousandunlikelytaletodropfrom
it,fixeddeadinthedriversseat..
"SothelowerhalfofhisbodywasCOMPLETELYblownaway.."Said
oneoftheüDTPGangÇ,"Ithoughthewasshorterthanusual.."
"Cutthechat,andlet'sgeton!"SaidüBobthePrinterÇbriskly,
"Anyoneseenmylaserjet???"
-------------------------
Meanwhile,therushingsoundofairroaredpasttheearsofüQuaserÇ
andüWizardÇastheyapproachedtheuppersurfaceoftheSTOS-O-
MATICatanimpossibleangle..ItloomedalarminglyasüGarethaka
ROBO-UNDERPANTÇsmartlyturnedforaforcedlanding..Criesof
"Mindoutyoupointlessberk!"wentunheardasheimpaledhimself
inthesideoftheSTOS-O-MATIC..üQuaserÇandüWizardÇsatsnugly
contentintheprotectivevoluminousfoldsofunderpant
material...
--------------------------
üRobb-ManÇcreptthroughtheruinedinterioroftheSTOS-O-MATIC
recreationalarea,comingacrossthebentfiguresofüWheeethe
FibbleÇandüEddie'Happening'BoyÇ..Theybothwavedagreetingin
Scottish..üRobbÇthoughtforonefatalmomenthewassafeandback
inCorby,andmadethemistakeofaskingforanynewgames..They
openedfirewithaWalther-STOSPPKverticallyscrollingshoot-em-
up..üRobbÇhitthefloorspittingblood,andhadsooncoughedup
hislungsandwasdead...
----------------------------
ü
TrotskyCorruption'sÇfacewasacrazymaskoftwistedanguishand
despair.."It'sNOGOODsir,thestarboardengine'sBUGGERED!!The
portengine'srunningonmoltenbearings...Wecan'tgoon!!"
"THEENGINE'SCANNAETAKEIT!!"TheScottishSTOS-minionsjoined
in...
ü
STOS-MANÇwaswearinghis'Extremelydispleased,asthoughaBlack
Widowspiderwasgivingbirthinafavouritepairofshoes'
expression..
"Surelythefailsafeswillgiveusenoughtime??Wejustneed
anotherfiveminutestogetintoposition..Itakeitthedehancer
wasundamagedinthecollision.."
"Yessir.."GulpedüTrotsky..Ç
"AndItakeitthatalleffortsareunderwaytoroundupand
disposeoftheClubsurvivorsfromthePixiemobile.."
"Yes,IjustpulledtheejecthandleonüBeige-manÇ,andüCapt
FishfingerÇ,aswell,justincasethere'sanyideaofrescue..
They'reontheirdowntotheOceanbynow.."üTop-NotchÇsmiled..
ü
Ç-----------------------------
üBobÇandtherestoftheDTPGangweremakingslowprogressthrough
thelongcorridorspackedwithnervousandtrigger-happySTOS-
minions..üBobÇexpertlysprayedthepassagewithaquickburstof
fonts,andseveralconcealedSTOS-Minionswentdown,clutching
theirsidesinagony...üBobÇmotionedfortheotherstofollow..
Justthen,üWheeetheFibbleÇstooduppointingaraster-spitting
lightbazookaintheirdirection,hewaswearingabeardandC&A
patternedpulloverdisguise..Momentarilyconfused,thinkinghe
wasoneofthem,theDTPgangdidnotevenregisterthemassive
blastofcolourthatstrippedthegreyfleshfromtheirbones,
puttingthemoutofthisworldforgood...
--------------------------------
TheSTOS-O-MATIChobbledon,castingahugeshadowovercentral
Tokyo,seeminglyheldtogetherandguidedtherebytheall-
consumingwillandhatredofoneman,üSTOS-MANÇlookedabouthim...
"STOS-dehancerready??"
"YesSir,primedandreadytodetonate,T-Minussixtyseconds.."
"Verywellthen..àPLAYMISTYFORME!!!Ç""
----------------------------------
Downonthestreets,millionslookedup,pointingandwondering
abouttheirnemesis,rememberingNewYork,manyscreamedand
fainted,someranpointlessly,justthen,thebeamhit....
EightmillionindividualworldsflickeredcrazilybetweentheärealÇ
realityandtheSTOS-createdworld,thegrounddisappearedand
imagesofspace-shipsandbrickyinvasioncraftandpurplegorilla
spritesthrobbedhotlyintheirminds,theintensityandspeed
crowdedfurtheranddeeperonthem..Theinitialscreamsoffear
turnedquicklyintointensescreamsofphysicalandmentalagony,
grovellinginspasmsonthefloorastheverystructureofreality
wasbentandmeltedinto...
Thenitstopped...
Therealworldoftallgleamingcorporatestructures,andcrowded
commutertrains,andmassivetradesurpluses,andrawfish
returned,andreassuringlystayed..AbovethemtheSTOS-O-MATIC
wasbeingconsumedbyaseriesofhugeinternalexplosions..
AssorteddebrisfromthestrickencraftfellontotheCity,
includingseveralthousandü'ElectSTOS-MANforWorldPresidentor
else!!'Çbadges,severalcopiesofararedisk-zineü'HP-Source3'Ç,
andthesourcecodeforüTopNotch'sÇequallyrarenewgame..The
World'smassednewsmedianetworkswitnessedthemultiplebloomof
flame-ladendestructionthatwastheSTOS-O-Maticabovethemand
allgavethanksontheeveningsix-o'clockeditions...The
momentarilydistractedWorldgotbacktoit'susualcycleofLife,
Death,warsandskateboardingducksgatecrashingcabinet
meetings..
-------------------------------------
äWhatHappened??
ÇJustasüSTOS-ManÇgavetheorderü"PLAYMISTYFORME"Çahatchgrated
openandüQuaser,WizardÇ,andüRobo-UnderpantÇemerged..
ThefirstthinganybodyknewoftheirpresencewaswhenüSTOS-MANÇ
yelled"Jesuswhatastink,itsmellslikearathasdiedina
publiclatrinethathasn'tbeencleanedforsixmonths.."Both
üQuaserÇandüRobo-UnderpantÇwereusingconcentratedpump-gas
energies,thecombinedeffectwasverysimilartoanearlyand
verymuchbannedSovietnervegas..
AsüSTOS-MANÇfelltwitchingandchoking,hestruckdownhardonto
theDehancercontrol,activatingit..Hethencrawledawaytothe
escapehatchtohisprivatequartersasbestashisradically
disruptednervoussystemwouldallow...
STOS-GrenadesfiredbytheScottishSTOS-Minionsbouncedoffthe
armourplatingofüRobo-UnderpantÇ..MeanwhileüQuaserÇlashedout
withafistfulofhot'DayZero'SuperNintendoWarezzz,catching
twominionsintheface,theywentdownclutchingtheir
bloodiedteeth,unabletocopeinthefaceofsharpheavy
objects..üQuaserÇfollowedupwithseveralsharpkickswithhis
skin-tightlycracladlegstosoftpartsoftheanatomyconcerned
withsexualreproduction,andtheystayeddown,softlymoaning..
Meanwhile,üWizardÇreleasedü'Leon'TrotskyÇüCorruptionÇfromanarm-
lock,lettinghimslumptothefloorsomewhatunconscious,rushed
toturnofftheSTOS-Dehancer,havinggotouthistest-meterand
pluggedinhissolderingirontoheatup,hewasmostannoyedwhen
üGarethRoboUnderpantÇblunderedintotheconsole,doingthejob
forhim,astheconsoleclatteredtothefloorinaseriesof
smallexplosionsandsparks..Thesparksalsoignitedthe
lingeringcloudsofpumpgas,andflamesbilloweduptowardsthe
ceiling..
"Job'sdonehere,let'ssplit.."SaidüQuaserÇ..
"Hangonaminute,where'sSTOS-MAN??"
--------------------------------
Aloneinhisprivatequarters,tearfullyblinkingouttheeffects
ofthetoxicgas,üSTOS-MANÇwasfranticallytypingathiscomputer,
whenüQuaser,WizardÇ,andüRobo-UnderpantÇentered..
"BettergiveitupChris.."SaidüWizardÇquietly..
"Yeah,wedefecatedinthetoothmugofdangeralright,andwe'll
dothesametoyouifnecessary!"saidüQuaserÇlessquietly
ü"Thatwon'tbenecessary!!"STOS-ManÇsneered.."Takeagoodlook
atwhatisonthisscreenhere!"
Headscranedtolookcloser,onthescreentherewasone
unforgettablefinalmessage...
àìAuthorsComputer:-
îExplanatorybit:-
äThe'Author'sComputer'wasusedtoaddaninterestingtwistto
the3-DexplorationgameDamocles..Itwaspossibletovisitthe
officesofNovagenSoftwareinthegameworldoftheErissolar
systemandmanipulateittomanipulateyourenviromentand
circumstances,containedwithinthecomputer..Carewasneededas
onewrongmove,suchasswitchingitoffentirely,could
effectivelyendthegameuniverse...GuesswhatI'vegothere!!
ì
îSuicideOption#1..
äTheSTOS-O-MATICisconsumedbyaseriesofmassiveinternal
explosions,killingallonboard,thereareNOlastminute
miraculousescapes.....SodallHappyendings....Sodthelotof
you!!!!
ü>Run.äÇä(enter..)
ü>ok.ä
ü
PROCEDURECONFIRMED....RUNNING...5...4...3...2...1....!!!!!!!!
(Definitely)THEEND!!!!ä(*)
Ç
ü
(C)STOS-MAN1993-(Hahahahahahahahahha!!!etc)
ä(*)ORISIT???????
ü