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03.DOC
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1985-11-20
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85 lines
COMET
In late 1992, astronomers warned that a comet called Swift Tuttle, could
hit the earth in about 100 years' time, wiping out all life on the planet.
However, further investigation now shows that the comet will not hit the
earth, but come quite close (it might appear as a streak of light in the
sky). What a pity. We now have to endure more years of unemployment,
crime, civil war, racial and religious hatred, terrorism, starvation,
etc...
DEADLY ROLE MODEL
People keep idolising Hollywood studs. Cindy Crawford, Cher and Dolph
Lundgren have each released crummy keep-fit videos on how to 'turn yourself
into one of them'. Many doctors and physicians are sceptical about the
advice given in these videos. Some of the exercises are extremely
dangerous. Loads of suckers out there (thinking lesser of themselves) have
bought these videos and are now pulling muscles, straining tendons and
crushing vertebrae (uurrrgghh!) in the hope of turning into a 'Cher' or a
'Cindy' or a 'Dolph'. On the other hand they could end up semi-crippled if
not completely immobile! The studs will still be in Hollywood, and the
keep-fit suckers will end up in hospital.
THE CULPRIT
In early 1993, the headline of a very popular tabloid quoted 'Nintendo
killed my son'! It was report about a mother whose epileptic son played a
Nintendo game (SNES or NES) and later had a fit that was so bad that it
killed him. So she blamed Nintendo. It seems everyone involved forgot to
look at one more important aspect of this incident.
The television. Who manufactured the television?
The report was not 'Fred Bloggs televisions killed my son'. And did this
mother really blame Nintendo, or did the press put words into her mouth?
If she really did say this, couldn't Nintendo turn the tables on her and
prosecute her for slander if she could not prove her case? There is no
well-established link between the TV games and epilepsy, but there is a
link between TVs and epilepsy. The 50 hertz flicker of a television
picture is the true culprit, not mere games.
HUMOUR
If half of the people understand half of what you are saying for
half of the time, speak another language.
Cigarettes are a major cause of death, but are included as an entity in the
cost of living!
As descendants of the computer generation, what will be the first words of
our children? Mummy... Daddy... Sonic... Mario... Atari... Amiga...
A cheap lawyer, an expensive lawyer and a tooth fairy are all sitting
around a table which has nothing on it except a £5 note. Suddenly all the
lights go out. Then the lights come on again. The £5 note has vanished.
Who took it? The cheap lawyer, the expensive lawyer or the tooth fairy?
ANSWER : the expensive lawyer - the other two are figments of the
imagination!
WHO IS DOING THE WORK
Who is doing all the work, here? Well, there are 10 million people in the
country. However, 3 million are unemployed so that leaves 7 million to do
the work. 2 million are in hospital so that leaves 5 million. 2 million
are retired so that leaves 3 million. 2 million are children so that
leaves 1 million. 500,000 are fulltime housewives and househusbands, so
that leaves 500,000. 300,000 have gone on holiday, so that leaves 200,000.
100,000 people have taken the day off through illness and that leaves
100,000 people. That's all the people who work for this company. But
there are around 10,000 people in each branch of the company, so there are
only 10,000 people here. It's 12.30 pm and they have all gone to lunch,
leaving just you and me. But you are too busy chatting to your friend on
the phone, so that leaves just me.
DOCTOR, DOCTOR
Patient : "Doctor, I got a sexual complaint..."
Doctor : "Oh, really? Who from?"
CRUDE PHILOSOPHY
Men, during other things, are often thinking about sex. Women, during sex,
are often thinking about other things!