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1987-04-22
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JOKES
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* ! ! ! J O K E S ! ! ! *
* ( Part A ) *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Thanks to MAT of the Untouchables
Yes, here you have some stuff to laugh. I think you will succeed in it
with this kind of humour. Everybody who knows some nice jokes, send them
to us and we will insert it in our next magazine. Alright, let's go.......
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The more things change, the more they stay insane
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Showing up is 88% of life
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Problems worthy of attack
prove their worth by hitting back
Piet Hein
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There is one of those large, portable flashing signs in front of the
School for the Blind in Louisville, KY with the following message:
WELCOME BACK STUDENTS
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Do you know what they call a pretty girl in South Dakota???
A tourist!!
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Just heard these on Carson.
"I know you're disappointed that Zsa Zsa only got three days, but
at her age that could be a lifetime"
"Zsa Zsa wanted an appology from Beverly Hills for putting her on trial".
"Isn't that a lot like Exxon wanting an apology from Alaska for getting
duck feathers in their oil?"
Carson said of the same issue - "ZsaZsa now says that she's worried
about lesbians in prison. With her acting career, she should worry
more about meeting thespians in prison."
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How did the North Dakotan break his leg raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.
Did you hear about the North Dakotan who tried to commit suicide?
He jumped out of the basement window.
What is the North Dakotan state flower?
The dandelion.
What is the North Dakotan state bird?
The mosquito.
Two North Dakotans were shoveling snow. One said to the other,
"This is too much work. Let's just burn it." "No," said the other
North Dakotan, "What would we do with the ashes?"
Every winter, Montana sells snow to North Dakota. They use it for landfill.
A North Dakotan tried to go skiing once, but he couldn't figure out
how to get his pants on over his skis.
Two airplanes flying in a snowstorm. Which one is from North Dakota?
A. The North Dakotan plane is the one with chains on the propellor.
The North Dakota state rodeo was cancelled. Someone stole the sawhorse.
Sign on a North Dakotan garbage truck: "We cater wedding receptions."
A set of North Dakotan matched crystal: three peanut butter jars with
the same label.
One day a North Dakotan carpeted his bathroom. He liked it so much,
he bought some more carpet and ran it all the way to his house.
Why are there so few suicides in North Dakota?
A. It's not easy jumping of a basement window.
You can tell when a North Dakotan is rich--
He has two cars jacked up on the front lawn.
Just before Custer went into Montana he stopped in Bismarck. He told the
people, "Don't do anything until I get back." They haven't.
I looked up some facts about North Dakota:
Geography: "Centrally located" (middle of nowhere)
Climate: "Wide temperature range" (winters bad, summers worse)
Principal manufacture: Farm equipment
Principal mineral resource: Sand and gravel
Famous North Dakotans: Maxwell Anderson, Angie Dickinson, John Bernard
Flannagan, Louis L'Amour, Peggy Lee, Eric Sevareid, Vihjalmur Stefansson,
Lawrence Welk
Net migration (last 5 yrs): -6,800
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Quoted from Sacramento Bee:
Yakov Smirnoff on his communication with friends who came to America before him:
"Before they left, we worked out a code that they would say the opposite of
what they meant in their letters," Smirnoff recalled. "When they wrote that
'the streets are filthy and the people are rude' we thought that they meant
the people were friendly and the streets were clean. Since they live in
Cleveland, we later learned they had forgotten the code."
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What's the difference between "Democracy" and "People's Democracy?"
Same as between a jacket and a strait-jacket!
What is the most beautiful thing in the world?
Communism - without the road that leads there.
What is the definition of a Communist?
Someone who has read the works of Marx and Lenin.
What is the definition of an anti-Communist?
Someone who understands the works of Marx and Lenin.
A world-famous Russian athlete defected to the US during a good-will tour.
He was asked why the Russians excelled in running. The athlete answered:
"We use the border for the finish line."
A teacher asks his students in a Budapest school:
"Why do we love the Soviet Union?"
"Because," says a student, "it has liberated us!"
"And why do we hate America?"
"Because it has not!"
Why is the communist system superior to any other system?
Because it is able to cope with problems that do not exist in any other
system.
Why don't Russian workers oppose communism?
Beats working!
What are four things wrong with Soviet agriculture?
Spring, summer, fall and winter.
Soviet fast-food is vodka by the gulp.
Did you hear about the Russian Chinese restaurant? The food is terrific
but an hour after eating you are hungry for power.
Why is the communist system superior to every other system?
Because it has dealt with problems that do not exist in any other system!
A Soviet runner is asked: "Why do you think the Russians excel in running?"
"We use the border as the finish line!"
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A young member of the German communist party went to his senior comrade
with a strange request: he wanted permission from the Party to emigrate
to West Germany. (It is only with the permission of the Party that
people are allowed to leave East Germany. Often it is ``granted'' as
a method of eliminating people with inappropriate attitudes.)
``For what reasons could you possibly want to leave the Socialist
paradise, young comrade?'' ``Well, sir, I have a main reason, and
a kind of side reason. The side reason is this: I know our Party
has established a paradise here in the Democratic Republic, but the
reason I want to leave is that I am very afraid that is will not last.''
``Don't worry, son! It will last for ever.'' ``Well, good, sir: but
that brings me to my main reason....''
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On yesterday's evening news, Grenady Gerasimov (sp?) the Soviet
Union official spokesman said that the USSR has a new foreign
policy. After the Brezhnev Doctrine, they were calling this one
the "Frank Sinatra Doctrine." According to Gerasimov, Sinatra
has a song "I'll Do It My Way" and that is what the Kremlin wants
its satillites to do. They can run their countries their own way.
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Gorby, being the son of an industrial worker, is generally viewed by the
agricultural Soviet community as an anti-farmer person. With an eye to
rectifying this unfortunate misunderstanding, he decides to go on a well-
publicized tour of the Soviet farmlands. Two days later, the Pravda headline
reads --- "The General Secretary with the pigs; fifth from the left"!
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11/10/89: TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE BERLIN WALL
10. I came for the political freedom -- I'm staying for the McRibs!
9. Is this the line for BATMAN?
8. So many Benettons!
7. As long as you're already in the trunk, let's go to a drive-in
6. We're coming to save you, Zsa Zsa!
5. Here in the West, we don't have to pay a lot for our muffler
4. Finally I can realize my lifelong dream of attending a taping of the PTL
Club
3. Let's stay at Dave's house!
2. This out to scare the crap out of the French
1. We're going to Disney World!
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"WILL THE LAST PERSON LEAVING EAST GERMANY PLEASE TURN OUT THE LIGHTS?"
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The following jokes are from "No Laughing Matter" by Steven Lukes
of Oxford and Itzhak Gelnoor of Hebrew University of Jerusalem.
The selections are from the June 5,1989 issue of _Newsweek_ (review
by George F. Will).
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Q: What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?
A: A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.
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Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs
meat today."
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Deng Xiaoping tells Gorbachev that three demands must be met before
relations can improve. First, China wants 100 million tons of coal.
"Agreed," says Gorbachev. And 20 new ships. "Done," says Gorbachev.
And a million bicycles. "Impossible," says Gorbachev. "But why?"
asks Deng. "Because," says Gorbachev, "the Poles don't make bicycles."
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Khrushchev says to Zhou Enlai, "The difference between the Soviet
Union and China is that I rose to power from the peasant class,
whereas you came from the privileged Mandarin class. Zhou replies,
"True. But there is this similarity. Each of us is a traitor to his
class."
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IBM:
International Brotherhood of Magicians
Impractical, But Marketable.
In Business for Money
I've Been Mugged
I've Been Moved
Immense Bins of Money
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IRS: Income Reduction Service.
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MBA = Morals Be Absent?
From Molly Ivins' column in the December issue of /The Progressive/.
"As part of [Harvard Business School dean John] McArthur's effort to weed
out people interested only in lucre, the admissions process now includes
thirteen questions and nine essays, rather than a standardized test, and
takes hours to complete. To make the cut, students must answer a few
questions about ethics.
"For example, they are asked to explain, in the application, how they
managed an ethical dilemma they have experienced. But according to Laura
Gordon Fisher, the school's admissions director, many students say they
have never encountered an ethical dilemma.
"'It's amazing how many people admit they've never experienced a moral
dilemma,' said Fisher. 'Some applicants want to know if they should
fabricate one.'"
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