1=ADAM WAS BUT HUMAN. ... HE DID NOT WANT THE APPLE FOR THE APPLE'S SAKE, HE WANTED IT ONLY BECAUSE IT WAS FORBIDDEN. THE MISTAKE WAS IN NOT FORBIDDING THE SERPENT; THEN HE WOULD HAVE EATEN THE SERPENT.
2=WHOEVER HAS LIVED LONG ENOUGH TO FIND OUT WHAT LIFE IS, KNOWS HOW DEEP A DEBT OF GRATITUDE WE OWE TO ADAM, THE FIRST GREAT BENEFACTOR OF OUR RACE. HE BROUGHT DEATH INTO THE WORLD.
3=ADAM AND EVE HAD MANY ADVANTAGES, BUT THE PRINCIPAL ONE WAS THAT THEY ESCAPED TEETHING.
4=TRAINING IS EVERYTHING. THE PEACH WAS ONCE A BITTER ALMOND; CAULIFLOWER IS NOTHING BUT CABBAGE WITH A COLLEGE EDUCATION.
5=REMARK OF DR. BALDWIN'S CONCERNING UPSTARTS: WE DON'T CARE TO EAT TOADSTOOLS THAT THINK THEY ARE TRUFFLES.
6=LET US ENDEAVOR SO TO LIVE THAT WHEN WE COME TO DIE EVEN THE UNDERTAKER WILL BE SORRY.
7=HABIT IS HABIT, AND NOT TO BE FLUNG OUT OF THE WINDOW BY ANY MAN, BUT COAXED DOWNSTAIRS A STEP AT A TIME.
8=ONE OF THE MOST STRIKING DIFFERENCES BETWEEN A CAT AND A LIE IS THAT A CAT HAS ONLY NINE LIVES.
9=THE HOLY PASSION OF FRIENDSHIP IS OF SO SWEET AND STEADY AND LOYAL AND ENDURING A NATURE THAT IT WILL LAST THROUGH A WHOLE LIFETIME, IF NOT ASKED TO LEND MONEY.
10=CONSIDER WELL THE PROPORTIONS OF THINGS. IT IS BETTER TO BE A YOUNG JUNE-BUG THAN AN OLD BIRD OF PARADISE.
11=WHY IS IT THAT WE REJOICE AT BIRTH AND GRIEVE AT A FUNERAL? IS IT BECAUSE WE ARE NOT THE PERSON INVOLVED?
12=IT IS EASY TO FIND FAULT, IF ONE HAS THAT DISPOSITION. THERE WAS ONCE A MAN WHO, NOT BEING ABLE TO FIND ANY OTHER FAULT WITH HIS COAL, COMPLAINED THAT THERE WERE TOO MANY PREHISTORIC TOADS IN IT.
13=WHEN ANGRY, COUNT FOUR; WHEN VERY ANGRY, SWEAR.
14=ALL SAY, "HOW HARD IT IS THAT WE HAVE TO DIE" -- A STRANGE COMPLAINT TO COME FROM THE MOUTHS OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE HAD TO LIVE.
15=WHEN I REFLECT UPON THE NUMBER OF DISAGREEABLE PEOPLE WHO I KNOW HAVE GONE TO A BETTER WORLD, I AM MOVED TO LEAD A DIFFERENT LIFE.
16=OCTOBER. THIS IS ONE OF THE PECULIARLY DANGEROUS MONTHS TO SPECULATE IN STOCKS IN. THE OTHERS ARE JULY, JANUARY, SEPTEMBER, APRIL, NOVEMBER, MAY, MARCH, JUNE, DECEMBER, AUGUST, AND FEBRUARY.
17=NOTHING SO NEEDS REFORMING AS OTHER PEOPLE'S HABITS.
18=IF YOU PICK UP A STARVING DOG AND MAKE HIM PROSPEROUS, HE WILL NOT BITE YOU. THIS IS THE PRINCIPAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DOG AND A MAN.
19=EVEN POPULARITY CAN BE OVERDONE. IN ROME ... YOU ARE FULL OF REGRETS THAT MICHELANGELO DIED; BUT BY AND BY YOU ONLY REGRET THAT YOU DIDN'T SEE HIM DO IT.
20=JULY 4: STATISTICS SHOW THAT WE LOSE MORE FOOLS ON THIS DAY THAN IN ALL THE OTHER DAYS OF THE YEAR PUT TOGETHER. THIS PROVES, BY THE NUMBER LEFT IN STOCK, THAT ONE FOURTH OF JULY PER YEAR IS NOW INADEQUATE.
21=GRATITUDE AND TREACHERY ARE MERELY THE TWO EXTREMITIES OF THE SAME PROCESSION. YOU HAVE SEEN ALL OF IT THAT IS WORTH STAYING FOR WHEN THE BAND AND THE GAUDY OFFICIALS HAVE GONE BY.
22=THANKSGIVING DAY. LET ALL GIVE HUMBLE, HEARTY, AND SINCERE THANKS, NOW, BUT THE TURKEYS. IN THE ISLAND OF FIJI THEY DO NOT USE TURKEYS; THEY USE PLUMBERS. IT DOES NOT BECOME YOU AND ME TO SNEER AT FIJI.
23=FEW THINGS ARE HARDER TO PUT UP WITH THAN THE ANNOYANCE OF A GOOD EXAMPLE.
24=IT WERE NOT BEST THAT WE SHOULD ALL THINK ALIKE; IT IS DIFFERENCE OF OPINION THAT MAKES HORSE-RACES.
25=HE IS USELESS ON TOP OF THE GROUND; HE OUGHT TO BE UNDER IT, INSPIRING THE CABBAGES.
26=APRIL 1. THIS IS THE DAY UPON WHICH WE ARE REMINDED OF WHAT WE ARE ON THE OTHER THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-FOUR.
27=IT IS OFTEN THE CASE THAT THE MAN WHO CAN'T TELL A LIE THINKS HE IS THE BEST JUDGE OF ONE.
28=OCTOBER 12, THE DISCOVERY. IT WAS WONDERFUL TO FIND AMERICA, BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE WONDERFUL TO MISS IT.
29=SOAP AND EDUCATION ARE NOT AS SUDDEN AS A MASSACRE, BUT THEY ARE MORE DEADLY IN THE LONG RUN.
30=BARRING THAT NATURAL EXPRESSION OF VILLAINY WHICH WE ALL HAVE, THE MAN LOOKED HONEST ENOUGH.
31=TO PROMISE NOT TO DO A THING IS THE SUREST WAY IN THE WORLD TO MAKE A BODY WANT TO GO AND DO THAT VERY THING.
32=WE HAVEN'T ALL HAD THE GOOD FORTUNE TO BE LADIES; WE HAVEN'T ALL BEEN GENERALS, OR POETS, OR STATESMEN; BUT WHEN THE TOAST WORKS DOWN TO THE BABIES, WE STAND ON COMMON GROUND.
33=AMONG THE THREE OR FOUR MILLION CRADLES NOW ROCKING IN THE LAND ARE SOME WHICH THIS NATION WOULD PRESERVE FOR AGES AS SACRED THINGS, IF WE COULD KNOW WHICH ONES THEY ARE.
34=I WAS GRATIFIED TO BE ABLE TO ANSWER PROMPTLY, AND I DID. I SAID I DIDN'T KNOW.
35=IN THE SOUTH, THE WAR IS WHAT A.D. IS ELSEWHERE; THEY DATE FROM IT.
36=WAR TALK BY MEN WHO HAVE BEEN IN WAR IS ALWAYS INTERESTING; WHEREAS MOON TALK BY A POET WHO HAS NOT BEEN ON THE MOON IS LIKELY TO BE DULL.
37=PERSONS ATTEMPTING TO FIND A MOTIVE IN THIS NARRATIVE WILL BE PROSECUTED; PERSONS ATTEMPTING TO FIND A MORAL IN IT WILL BE BANISHED; PERSONS ATTEMPTING TO FIND A PLOT IN IT WILL BE SHOT.
38=HAIN'T WE GOT ALL THE FOOLS IN TOWN ON OUR SIDE? AND AIN'T THAT A BIG ENOUGH MAJORITY IN ANY TOWN?
39=WHENEVER THE LITERARY GERMAN DIVES INTO A SENTENCE, THAT IS THE LAST YOU ARE GOING TO SEE OF HIM TILL HE EMERGES ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ATLANTIC WITH HIS VERB IN HIS MOUTH.
40=PUT ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET AND -- WATCH THAT BASKET!
41=TRUTH IS THE MOST VALUABLE THING WE HAVE. LET US ECONOMIZE IT.
42=IT COULD PROBABLY BE SHOWN BY FACTS AND FIGURES THAT THERE IS NO DISTINCTLY NATIVE AMERICAN CRIMINAL CLASS EXCEPT CONGRESS.
43=WE CAN SECURE OTHER PEOPLE'S APPROVAL, IF WE DO RIGHT AND TRY HARD; BUT OUR OWN IS WORTH A HUNDRED OF IT, AND NO WAY HAS BEEN FOUND OUT OF SECURING THAT.
44=IT IS BY THE GOODNESS OF GOD THAT IN OUR COUNTRY WE HAVE THOSE THREE UNSPEAKABLY PRECIOUS THINGS; FREEDOM OF SPEECH, FREEDOM OF CONSCIENCE, AND THE PRUDENCE NEVER TO PRACTICE EITHER OF THEM.
45=CLASSIC: A BOOK WHICH PEOPLE PRAISE AND DON'T READ.
46=MAN IS THE ONLY ANIMAL THAT BLUSHES. OR NEEDS TO.
47=THERE ARE SEVERAL GOOD PROTECTIONS AGAINST TEMPTATIONS, BUT THE SUREST IS COWARDICE.
48=EACH PERSON IS BORN TO ONE POSSESSION WHICH OUTVALUES ALL HIS OTHERS -- HIS LAST BREATH.
49=IT TAKES YOUR ENEMY AND YOUR FRIEND, WORKING TOGETHER, TO HURT YOU TO THE HEART; THE ONE TO SLANDER YOU AND THE OTHER TO GET THE NEWS TO YOU.
50=GRIEF CAN TAKE CARE OF ITSELF, BUT TO GET THE FULL VALUE OF A JOY YOU MUST HAVE SOMEBODY TO DIVIDE IT WITH.
51=IN STATESMANSHIP GET THE FORMALITIES RIGHT, NEVER MIND THE MORALITIES.
52=EVERYONE IS A MOON, AND HAS A DARK SIDE WHICH HE NEVER SHOWS TO ANYBODY.
53=A ROUND MAN CANNOT BE EXPECTED TO FIT IN A SQUARE HOLE RIGHT AWAY. HE MUST HAVE TIME TO MODIFY HIS SHAPE.
54=IN BOSTON THEY ASK, HOW MUCH DOES HE KNOW? IN NEW YORK, HOW MUCH IS HE WORTH? IN PHILADELPHIA, WHO WERE HIS PARENTS.
55=ALWAYS DO RIGHT. THIS WILL GRATIFY SOME PEOPLE, AND ASTONISH THE REST.
56=A POWERFUL AGENT IS THE RIGHT WORD. WHENEVER WE COME UPON ONE OF THOSE INTENSELY RIGHT WORDS IN A BOOK OR A NEWSPAPER THE RESULTING EFFECT IS PHYSICAL AS WELL AS SPIRITUAL, AND ELECTRICALLY PROMPT.
57=THE FACT THAT A MAN KNOWS RIGHT FROM WRONG PROVES HIS INTELLECTUAL SUPERIORITY TO THE OTHER CREATURES; BUT THE FACT THAT HE CAN DO WRONG PROVES HIS MORAL INFERIORITY TO ANY CREATURE THAT CANNOT.
58=THUNDER IS GOOD, THUNDER IS IMPRESSIVE; BUT IT IS LIGHTNING THAT DOES THE WORK.
59=ITS NAME IS PUBLIC OPINION. IT IS HELD IN REVERENCE. IT SETTLES EVERYTHING. SOME THINK IT IS THE VOICE OF GOD.
60=BIOGRAPHIES ARE BUT THE CLOTHES AND BUTTONS OF THE MAN -- THE BIOGRAPHY OF THE MAN HIMSELF CANNOT BE WRITTEN.
61=OF ALL THE CREATURES THAT WERE MADE HE [MAN] IS THE MOST DETESTABLE. OF THE ENTIRE BROOD HE IS THE ONLY ONE, THE SOLITARY ONE, THAT POSSESSES MALICE. ... ALSO ... HE IS THE ONLY ONE THAT HAS A NASTY MIND.
62=I BELIEVE THAT OUR HEAVENLY FATHER INVENTED MAN BECAUSE HE WAS DISAPPOINTED IN THE MONKEY.
63=THE TRADE OF THE CRITIC, IN LITERATURE, MUSIC, AND THE DRAMA, IS THE MOST DEGRADED OF ALL TRADES.
64=FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT -- AND CHILDREN.
65=GOOD BREEDING CONSISTS IN CONCEALING HOW MUCH WE THINK OF OURSELVES AND HOW LITTLE WE THINK OF THE OTHER PERSON.
66=DEATH, THE ONLY IMMORTAL WHO TREATS US ALL ALIKE, WHOSE PITY AND WHOSE PEACE AND WHOSE REFUGE ARE FOR ALL -- THE SOILED AND THE PURE, THE RICH AND THE POOR, THE LOVED AND THE UNLOVED.
67=LOYALTY TO PETRIFIED OPINION NEVER YET BROKE A CHAIN OR FREED A HUMAN SOUL.
68=WHAT IS THE CHIEF END OF MAN? -- TO GET RICH. IN WHAT WAY? -- DISHONESTLY IF HE CAN, HONESTLY IF HE MUST.
69=THERE ARE TIMES WHEN ONE WOULD LIKE TO HANG THE WHOLE HUMAN RACE, AND FINISH THE FARCE.
70=INDECENCY, VULGARITY, OBSCENITY -- THESE ARE STRICTLY CONFINED TO MAN; HE INVENTED THEM. AMONG THE HIGHER ANIMALS THERE IS NO TRACE OF THEM. THEY HIDE NOTHING. THEY ARE NOT ASHAMED.
71=THE FIRST TIME THE DEITY CAME DOWN TO EARTH, HE BROUGHT LIFE AND DEATH; WHEN HE CAME DOWN THE SECOND TIME, HE BROUGHT HELL.
72=THE HUMAN BEING, LIKE THE IMMORTALS, NATURALLY PLACES SEXUAL INTERCOURSE FAR AND AWAY ABOVE ALL OTHER JOYS -- YET HE HAS LEFT IT OUT OF HIS HEAVEN.
73=IT [THE BIBLE] IS FULL OF INTEREST. IT HAS NOBLE POETRY IN IT; AND SOME CLEVER FABLES; AND SOME BLOOD-DRENCHED HISTORY; AND SOME GOOD MORALS; AND A WEALTH OF OBSCENITY; AND UPWARDS OF A THOUSAND LIES.
74=THERE HAS NEVER BEEN AN INTELLIGENT PERSON OF THE AGE OF SIXTY WHO WOULD CONSENT TO LIVE HIS LIFE OVER AGAIN. HIS OR ANYONE ELSE'S.
75=THE HISTORY OF THE RACE, AND EACH INDIVIDUAL'S EXPERIENCE, ARE THICK WITH EVIDENCE THAT A TRUTH IS NOT HARD TO KILL AND THAT A LIE TOLD WELL IS IMMORTAL.
76=OF THE DEMONSTRABLY WISE THERE ARE BUT TWO: THOSE WHO COMMIT SUICIDE, AND THOSE WHO KEEP THEIR REASONING FACULTIES ATROPHIED WITH DRINK.
77=ONE OF THE PROOFS OF IMMORTALITY OF THE SOUL IS THAT MYRIADS HAVE BELIEVED IN IT. THEY HAVE ALSO BELIEVED THE WORLD WAS FLAT.
78=GOD WAS LEFT OUT OF THE CONSTITUTION BUT WAS FURNISHED A FRONT SEAT ON THE COINS OF THE COUNTRY.
79=THE MOTTO [IN GOD WE TRUST] STATED A LIE. IF THIS NATION EVER TRUSTED IN GOD, THAT TIME HAS GONE BY; ... ITS ENTIRE TRUST HAS BEEN IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY AND THE DOLLAR -- MAINLY THE DOLLAR.
80=I AM QUITE SURE THAT I HAVE NO RACE PREJUDICES. ... ALL THAT I CARE TO KNOW IS THAT A MAN IS A HUMAN BEING -- THAT IS ENOUGH FOR ME; HE CAN'T BE ANY WORSE.
81=WORK CONSISTS OF WHATEVER A BODY IS OBLIGED TO DO ... PLAY CONSISTS OF WHATEVER A BODY IS NOT OBLIGED TO DO.
82=THERE IS NO CHARACTER, HOWSOEVER GOOD AND FINE, BUT IT CAN BE DESTROYED BY RIDICULE, HOWSOEVER POOR AND WITLESS.
83=COURAGE IS RESISTANCE TO FEAR, MASTERY OF FEAR -- NOT ABSENCE OF FEAR. WHEN WE SPEAK OF ... MEN WHO "DIDN'T KNOW WHAT FEAR WAS," WE MIGHT AS WELL ADD THE FLEA -- AND PUT HIM AT THE HEAD OF THE PROCESSION.
84=THE TRUE SOUTHERN WATERMELON IS A BOON APART, AND NOT TO BE MENTIONED WITH THE COMMONER THINGS. IT IS CHIEF OF THIS WORLD'S FRUIT, KING BY THE GRACE OF GOD OVER ALL THE FRUITS OF EARTH.
85=WE KNOW ALL ABOUT THE HABITS OF THE ANT, WE KNOW ALL ABOUT THE HABITS OF THE BEE, BUT WE KNOW NOTHING AT ALL ABOUT THE HABITS OF THE OYSTER. IT SEEMS WE HAVE BEEN CHOOSING THE WRONG TIME FOR STUDYING THE OYSTER.
86=ETIQUETTE AT A FUNERAL: DO NOT CRITICIZE THE PERSON IN WHOSE HONOR THE ENTERTAINMENT IS GIVEN. ... DO NOT BRING YOUR DOG.
87=SAVING A LADY FROM A FIRE: ESCORT HER TO THE FIRE ESCAPE AND DEPOSIT HER IN IT (BEING EXTREMELY CAREFUL, IF SHE HAVE NO CLOTHES ON BUT HER NIGHT DRESS, NOT TO SEEM TO NOTICE THE IRREGULARITY).
88=CATS ARE LOOSE IN THEIR MORALS, BUT NOT CONSCIOUSLY SO. MAN, IN HIS DESCENT FROM THE CAT, HAS BROUGHT THE CAT'S LOOSENESS WITH HIM BUT HAS LEFT THE UNCONSCIOUSNESS BEHIND.
89=MAN IS "THE ANIMAL THAT LAUGHS." BUT SO DOES THE MONKEY, AS MR. DARWIN POINTED OUT; AND SO DOES THE AUSTRALIAN BIRD THAT IS CALLED THE LAUGHING JACKASS.
90=ROOSTERS KEEP HAREMS, BUT IT IS BY CONSENT OF THEIR CONCUBINES; THEREFORE NO WRONG IS DONE. MEN KEEP HAREMS, BUT IT IS BY BRUTE FORCE. IN THIS MATTER MAN OCCUPIES A FAR LOWER PLACE THAN THE ROOSTER.
91=MAN SEEMS TO BE A RICKETY SORT OF THING, ANY WAY YOU TAKE HIM; A KIND OF BRITISH MUSEUM OF INFIRMITIES AND INFERIORITIES. HE IS ALWAYS UNDERGOING REPAIRS. A MACHINE SO UNRELIABLE AS HE WOULD HAVE NO MARKET.
92=WE HUNT THE FLY REMORSELESSLY; ALSO THE FLEA, THE RAT, THE SNAKE, THE DISEASE GERM AND A THOUSAND OTHER CREATURES WHICH HE PRONOUNCED GOOD, AND WAS SATISFIED WITH.
93=DURING SEVERAL CENTURIES HUNDREDS OF HERETICS WERE BURNED AT THE STAKE EVERY YEAR BECAUSE THEIR RELIGIOUS OPINIONS WERE NOT SATISFACTORY TO THE ROMAN CHURCH.
94=FROM A DOG'S TALE: MY FATHER WAS A ST. BERNARD, MY MOTHER WAS A COLLIE, BUT I AM A PRESBYTERIAN.
95=EXTRACT FROM ADAM'S DIARY: THIS NEW CREATURE WITH THE LONG HAIR IS A GOOD DEAL IN THE WAY. IT IS ALWAYS HANGING AROUND AND FOLLOWING ME ABOUT. ... I WISH IT WOULD STAY WITH THE OTHER ANIMALS.
96=EXTRACT FROM ADAM'S DIARY: SHE HAS TAKEN UP WITH A SNAKE NOW. ... I AM GLAD BECAUSE THE SNAKE TALKS, AND THIS ENABLES ME TO GET A REST.
97=ADAM'S DIARY: THE NEW CREATURE NAMES EVERYTHING THAT COMES ALONG. THERE IS THE DODO, FOR INSTANCE; SAYS IT "LOOKS LIKE A DODO." DODO! IT LOOKS NO MORE LIKE A DODO THAN I DO.
98=FROM EVE'S DIARY: I FOLLOWED THE OTHER EXPERIMENT AROUND ... TO SEE WHAT IT MIGHT BE FOR. ... I THINK IT WAS A MAN. ... IT WAS A GOOD DEAL WORRIED, AND CLIMBED A TREE.
99=FROM EVE'S DIARY: WHEN THE DODO CAME ALONG HE THOUGHT IT WAS A WILDCAT. BUT I SAVED HIM AND SAID "WELL, I DO DECLARE, IF THERE ISN'T THE DODO!" HE WAS A LITTLE PIQUED THAT I KNEW THE CREATURE WHEN HE DIDN'T.
100=ADAM AT EVE'S GRAVE: WHERESOEVER SHE WAS, THERE WAS EDEN.
[Ambrose Bierce I]
Number=100
1=ABASEMENT: A DECENT AND CUSTOMARY MENTAL ATTITUDE IN THE PRESENCE OF WEALTH OR POWER. PECULIARLY APPROPRIATE IN AN EMPLOYEE WHEN ADDRESSING AN EMPLOYER.
2=ABNORMAL: NOT CONFORMING TO STANDARD. IN MATTERS OF THOUGHT AND CONDUCT, TO BE INDEPENDENT IS TO BE ABNORMAL, TO BE ABNORMAL IS TO BE DETESTED.
3=ABORIGINES: PERSONS OF LITTLE WORTH FOUND CUMBERING THE SOIL OF A NEWLY DISCOVERED COUNTRY. THEY SOON CEASE TO CUMBER; THEY FERTILIZE.
4=ABSCOND: TO "MOVE IN A MYSTERIOUS WAY", COMMONLY WITH THE PROPERTY OF ANOTHER.
5=ABSENT: PECULIARLY EXPOSED TO THE TOOTH OF DETRACTION; VILIFIED; HOPELESSLY IN THE WRONG; SUPERSEDED IN THE CONSIDERATION AND AFFECTION OF ANOTHER.
6=ABSOLUTE: INDEPENDENT, IRRESPONSIBLE. AN ABSOLUTE MONARCHY IS ONE IN WHICH THE SOVEREIGN DOES AS HE PLEASES SO LONG AS HE PLEASES THE ASSASSINS.
7=ABSTAINER: A WEAK PERSON WHO YIELDS TO THE TEMPTATION OF DENYING HIMSELF A PLEASURE. A TOTAL ABSTAINER IS ONE WHO ABSTAINS FROM EVERYTHING BUT ABSTENTION, AND ESPECIALLY FROM INACTIVITY IN THE AFFAIRS OF OTHERS.
8=ABSURDITY: A STATEMENT OF BELIEF MANIFESTLY INCONSISTENT WITH ONE'S OWN OPINION.
9=ACCIDENT: AN INEVITABLE OCCURRENCE DUE TO THE ACTION OF IMMUTABLE NATURAL LAWS.
10=ACCOMPLICE: ONE ASSOCIATED WITH ANOTHER IN A CRIME, HAVING GUILTY KNOWLEDGE AND COMPLICITY, AS AN ATTORNEY WHO DEFENDS A CRIMINAL, KNOWING HIM GUILTY.
11=ACCUSE: TO AFFIRM ANOTHER'S GUILT OR UNWORTH; MOST COMMONLY AS A JUSTIFICATION OF OURSELVES FOR HAVING WRONGED HIM.
12=ACHIEVEMENT: THE DEATH OF ENDEAVOR AND THE BIRTH OF DISGUST.
13=ACKNOWLEDGE: TO CONFESS. ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF ONE ANOTHER'S FAULTS IS THE HIGHEST DUTY IMPOSED BY OUR LOVE OF TRUTH.
14=ADMINISTRATION: AN INGENIOUS ABSTRACTION IN POLITICS, DESIGNED TO RECEIVE THE KICKS AND CUFFS DUE TO THE PREMIER OR PRESIDENT. A MAN OF STRAW, PROOF AGAINST BAD-EGGING AND DEAD-CATTING.
15=ADMIRAL: THAT PART OF A WAR-SHIP WHICH DOES THE TALKING WHILE THE FIGURE-HEAD DOES THE THINKING.
16=AFFLICTION: AN ACCLIMATIZING PROCESS PREPARING THE SOUL FOR ANOTHER AND BITTER WORLD.
17=AGE: THAT PERIOD OF LIFE IN WHICH WE COMPOUND FOR THE VICES THAT WE STILL CHERISH BY REVILING THOSE THAT WE HAVE NO LONGER THE ENTERPRISE TO COMMIT.
18=ALLIANCE: IN INTERNATIONAL POLITICS, THE UNION OF TWO THIEVES WHO HAVE THEIR HANDS SO DEEPLY INSERTED IN EACH OTHER'S POCKET THAT THEY CANNOT SEPARATELY PLUNDER A THIRD.
19=AMBITION: AN OVERMASTERING DESIRE TO BE VILIFIED BY ENEMIES WHILE LIVING AND MADE RIDICULOUS BY FRIENDS WHEN DEAD.
20=AMNESTY: THE STATE'S MAGNANIMITY TO THOSE OFFENDERS WHOM IT WOULD BE TOO EXPENSIVE TO PUNISH.
21=AUCTIONEER: THE MAN WHO PROCLAIMS WITH A HAMMER THAT HE HAS PICKED A POCKET WITH HIS TONGUE.
22=BAROMETER: AN INGENIOUS INSTRUMENT WHICH INDICATES WHAT KIND OF WEATHER WE ARE HAVING.
23=BIGOT: ONE WHO IS OBSTINATELY AND ZEALOUSLY ATTACHED TO AN OPINION THAT YOU DO NOT ENTERTAIN.
24=CALLOUS: GIFTED WITH GREAT FORTITUDE TO BEAR THE EVILS AFFLICTING ANOTHER.
25=CAT: A SOFT, INDESTRUCTIBLE AUTOMATON PROVIDED BY NATURE TO BE KICKED WHEN THINGS GO WRONG IN THE DOMESTIC CIRCLE.
26=CHILDHOOD: THE PERIOD OF HUMAN LIFE INTERMEDIATE BETWEEN THE IDIOCY OF INFANCY AND THE FOLLY OF YOUTH -- TWO REMOVES FROM THE SIN OF MANHOOD AND THREE FROM THE REMORSE OF AGE.
27=CLAIRVOYANT: A PERSON, COMMONLY A WOMAN, WHO HAS THE POWER OF SEEING THAT WHICH IS INVISIBLE TO HER PATRON -- NAMELY THAT HE IS A BLOCKHEAD.
28=CLARINET: AN INSTRUMENT OF TORTURE OPERATED BY A PERSON WITH COTTON IN HIS EARS. THERE ARE TWO INSTRUMENTS THAT ARE WORSE THAN A CLARINET -- TWO CLARINETS.
29=CONSERVATIVE: A STATESMEN WHO IS ENAMORED OF EXISTING EVILS, AS DISTINGUISHED FROM THE LIBERAL, WHO WISHES TO REPLACE THEM WITH OTHERS.
30=CONTEMPT: THE FEELING OF A PRUDENT MAN FOR AN ENEMY WHO IS TOO FORMIDABLE SAFELY TO BE OPPOSED.
31=CONTROVERSY: A BATTLE IN WHICH SPITTLE OR INK REPLACES THE INJURIOUS CANNONBALL AND THE INCONSIDERATE BAYONET.
32=DEFAME: TO LIE ABOUT ANOTHER. TO TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT ANOTHER.
33=DELIBERATION: THE ACT OF EXAMINING ONE'S BREAD TO DETERMINE WHICH SIDE IT IS BUTTERED ON.
34=DIE: THE SINGULAR OF "DICE." WE SELDOM HEAR THE WORD, BECAUSE THERE IS A PROHIBITORY PROVERB, "NEVER SAY DIE."
35=DISTANCE: THE ONLY THING THAT THE RICH ARE WILLING FOR THE POOR TO CALL THEIRS AND KEEP.
36=DOG: A KIND OF ADDITIONAL OR SUBSIDIARY DEITY DESIGNED TO CATCH THE OVERFLOW AND SURPLUS OF THE WORLD'S WORSHIP.
37=DUTY: THAT WHICH STERNLY IMPELS US IN THE DIRECTION OF PROFIT, ALONG THE LINE OF DESIRE.
38=EGOTIST: A PERSON OF LOW TASTE, MORE INTERESTED IN HIMSELF THAN IN ME.
39=EMOTION: A PROSTRATING DISEASE CAUSED BY A DETERMINATION OF THE HEART TO THE HEAD. IT IS SOMETIMES ACCOMPANIED BY A COPIOUS DISCHARGE OF HYDRATED CHLORIDE OF SODIUM FROM THE EYES.
40=FAITH: BELIEF WITHOUT EVIDENCE IN WHAT IS TOLD BY ONE WHO SPEAKS WITHOUT KNOWLEDGE, OF THINGS WITHOUT PARALLEL.
41=FIB: A LIE THAT HAS NOT CUT ITS TEETH. AN HABITUAL LIAR'S NEAREST APPROACH TO THE TRUTH.
42=FIDDLE: AN INSTRUMENT TO TICKLE HUMAN EARS BY FRICTION OF A HORSE'S TAIL ON THE ENTRAILS OF A CAT.
43=FORGETFULNESS: A GIFT OF GOD BESTOWED UPON DEBTORS IN COMPENSATION FOR THEIR DESTITUTION OF CONSCIENCE.
44=FORK: AN INSTRUMENT USED CHIEFLY FOR THE PURPOSE OF PUTTING DEAD ANIMALS INTO THE MOUTH.
45=FRIENDLESS: HAVING NO FAVORS TO BESTOW. DESTITUTE OF FORTUNE. ADDICTED TO UTTERANCE OF TRUTH AND COMMON SENSE.
46=FUNERAL: A PAGEANT WHEREBY WE ATTEST OUR RESPECT FOR THE DEAD BY ENRICHING THE UNDERTAKER, AND STRENGTHEN OUR GRIEF BY AN EXPENDITURE THAT DEEPENS OUR GROANS AND DOUBLES OUR TEARS.
47=FUTURE: THAT PERIOD OF TIME IN WHICH OUR AFFAIRS PROSPER, OUR FRIENDS ARE TRUE AND OUR HAPPINESS IS ASSURED.
48=GUILLOTINE: A MACHINE WHICH MAKES A FRENCHMAN SHRUG HIS SHOULDERS WITH GOOD REASON.
49=HABEAS CORPUS: A WRIT BY WHICH A MAN MAY BE TAKEN OUT OF JAIL WHEN CONFINED FOR THE WRONG CRIME.
50=HAPPINESS: AN AGREEABLE SENSATION ARISING FROM CONTEMPLATING THE MISERY OF ANOTHER.
51=HARANGUE: A SPEECH BY AN OPPONENT, WHO IS KNOWN AS AN HARANGUE-OUTANG.
52=HEATHEN: A BENIGHTED CREATURE WHO HAS THE FOLLY TO WORSHIP SOMETHING THAT HE CAN SEE AND FEEL.
53=HEAVEN: A PLACE WHERE THE WICKED CEASE FROM TROUBLING YOU WITH TALK OF THEIR PERSONAL AFFAIRS, AND THE GOOD LISTEN WITH ATTENTION WHILE YOU EXPOUND YOUR OWN.
54=HONORABLE: INFLICTED WITH AN IMPEDIMENT IN ONE'S REACH. IN LEGISLATIVE BODIES IT IS CUSTOMARY TO MENTION ALL MEMBERS AS HONORABLE; AS, "THE HONORABLE GENTLEMAN IS A SCURVY CUR."
55=I: THE FIRST LETTER OF THE ALPHABET, THE FIRST WORD OF THE LANGUAGE, THE FIRST THOUGHT OF THE MIND, THE FIRST OBJECT OF AFFECTION.
56=IGNORAMUS: A PERSON UNACQUAINTED WITH CERTAIN KINDS OF KNOWLEDGE FAMILIAR TO YOURSELF, AND HAVING CERTAIN OTHER KINDS YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.
57=IMPARTIAL: UNABLE TO PERCEIVE ANY PROMISE OF PERSONAL ADVANTAGE FROM ESPOUSING EITHER SIDE OF A CONTROVERSY OR ADOPTING EITHER OF TWO CONFLICTING OPINIONS.
58=INCOMPATIBILITY: IN MATRIMONY A SIMILARITY OF TASTES, PARTICULARLY THE TASTE FOR DOMINATION.
59=INFIDEL: IN NEW YORK, ONE WHO DOES NOT BELIEVE IN THE CHRISTIAN RELIGION; IN CONSTANTINOPLE, ONE WHO DOES.
60=KILT: A COSTUME SOMETIMES WORN BY SCOTSMEN IN AMERICA AND AMERICANS IN SCOTLAND.
61=KING: A MALE PERSON COMMONLY KNOWN IN AMERICA AS A "CROWNED HEAD," ALTHOUGH NE NEVER WEARS A CROWN AND HAS USUALLY NO HEAD TO SPEAK OF.
62=KORAN: A BOOK WHICH THE MOHAMMEDANS FOOLISHLY BELIEVE TO HAVE BEEN WRITTEN BY DIVINE INSPIRATION, BUT WHICH CHRISTIANS KNOW TO BE A WICKED IMPOSTURE, CONTRADICTORY TO THE HOLY SCRIPTURES.
63=LAUGHTER: AN INTERIOR CONVULSION, PRODUCING A DISTORTION OF THE FEATURES AND ACCOMPANIED BY INARTICULATE NOISES. IT IS INFECTIOUS AND, THOUGH INTERMITTENT, INCURABLE.
64=LIFE: A SPIRITUAL PICKLE PRESERVING THE BODY FROM DECAY. WE LIVE IN DAILY APPREHENSION OF ITS LOSS; YET WHEN LOST IT IS NOT MISSED.
65=LOGIC: THE ART OF THINKING AND REASONING IN STRICT ACCORDANCE WITH THE LIMITATIONS AND INCAPACITIES OF THE HUMAN MISUNDERSTANDING.
66=LONGEVITY: UNCOMMON EXTENSION OF THE FEAR OF DEATH.
67=LOVE: A TEMPORARY INSANITY CURABLE BY MARRIAGE OR BY REMOVAL OF THE PATIENT FROM THE INFLUENCES UNDER WHICH HE INCURRED THE DISORDER.
68=MAGNIFICENT: HAVING A GRANDEUR OR SPLENDOR SUPERIOR TO THAT TO WHICH THE SPECTATOR IS ACCUSTOMED, AS THE EARS OF AN ASS, TO A RABBIT, OR THE GLORY OF A GLOW-WORM, TO A MAGGOT.
69=MAN: AN ANIMAL SO LOST IN RAPTUROUS CONTEMPLATION OF WHAT HE THINKS HE IS AS TO OVERLOOK WHAT HE INDUBITABLY OUGHT TO BE. HIS CHIEF OCCUPATION IS EXTERMINATION OF OTHER ANIMALS AND HIS OWN SPECIES.
70=MARRIAGE: THE STATE OR CONDITION OF A COMMUNITY CONSISTING OF A MASTER, A MISTRESS, AND TWO SLAVES, MAKING IN ALL, TWO.
71=MONKEY: AN ARBOREAL ANIMAL WHICH MAKES ITSELF AT HOME IN GENEALOGICAL TREES.
72=NEIGHBOR: ONE WHOM WE ARE COMMANDED TO LOVE AS OURSELVES, AND WHO DOES ALL HE KNOWS HOW TO MAKE US DISOBEDIENT.
73=OCEAN: A BODY OF WATER OCCUPYING ABOUT TWO-THIRDS OF A WORLD MADE FOR MAN -- WHO HAS NO GILLS.
74=OPPOSITION: IN POLITICS THE PARTY THAT PREVENTS THE GOVERNMENT FROM RUNNING AMUCK BY HAMSTRINGING IT.
75=OSTRICH: A LARGE BIRD. THE ABSENCE OF A GOOD WORKING PAIR OF WINGS IS NO DEFECT, FOR, AS HAS BEEN INGENIOUSLY POINTED OUT, THE OSTRICH DOES NOT FLY.
76=PAIN: AN UNCOMFORTABLE FRAME OF MIND THAT MAY HAVE A PHYSICAL BASIS IN SOMETHING THAT IS BEING DONE TO THE BODY, OR MAY BE PURELY MENTAL, CAUSED BY THE GOOD FORTUNE OF ANOTHER.
77=PAINTING: THE ART OF PROTECTING FLAT SURFACES FROM THE WEATHER AND EXPOSING THEM TO THE CRITIC.
78=PARDON: TO REMIT A PENALTY AND RESTORE TO A LIFE OF CRIME. TO ADD TO THE LURE OF THE CRIME THE TEMPTATION OF INGRATITUDE.
79=PEACE: IN INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS, A PERIOD OF CHEATING BETWEEN TWO PERIODS OF FIGHTING.
80=PEDESTRIAN: THE VARIABLE (AND AUDIBLE) PART OF THE ROADWAY FOR AN AUTOMOBILE.
81=PEDIGREE: THE KNOWN PART OF THE ROUTE FROM AN ARBOREAL ANCESTOR WITH A SWIM BLADDER TO AN URBAN DESCENDANT WITH A CIGARETTE.
82=PERSEVERANCE: A LOWLY VIRTUE WHEREBY MEDIOCRITY ACHIEVES AN INGLORIOUS SUCCESS.
83=PLAN: TO BOTHER ABOUT THE BEST METHOD OF ACCOMPLISHING AN ACCIDENTAL RESULT.
84=POLITICIAN: AN EEL IN THE FUNDAMENTAL MUD UPON WHICH THE SUPERSTRUCTURE OF ORGANIZED SOCIETY IS REARED.
85=POSITIVE: MISTAKEN AT THE TOP OF ONE'S VOICE.
86=PRAY: TO ASK THAT THE LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE BE ANNULLED IN BEHALF OF A SINGLE PETITIONER CONFESSEDLY UNWORTHY.
87=PREJUDICE: A VAGRANT OPINION WITHOUT VISIBLE MEANS OF SUPPORT.
88=NOSE: THE EXTREME OUTPOST OF THE FACE.
89=PROOF: EVIDENCE HAVING A SHADE MORE OF PLAUSIBILITY THAN OF UNLIKELIHOOD. THE TESTIMONY OF TWO CREDIBLE WITNESSES AS OPPOSED TO THAT OF ONLY ONE.
90=RACK: AN ARGUMENTATIVE IMPLEMENT FORMERLY MUCH USED IN PERSUADING DEVOTEES OF A FALSE FAITH TO EMBRACE THE LIVING TRUTH.
91=RATIONAL: DEVOID OF ALL DELUSIONS SAVE THOSE OF OBSERVATION, EXPERIENCE AND REFLECTION.
92=RESPONSIBILITY: A DETACHABLE BURDEN EASILY SHIFTED TO THE SHOULDERS OF GOD, FATE, FORTUNE, LUCK, OR ONE'S NEIGHBOR.
93=REVERENCE: THE SPIRITUAL ATTITUDE OF MAN TO A GOD AND A DOG TO A MAN.
94=SELF-ESTEEM: AN ERRONEOUS APPRAISEMENT.
95=YEAR: A PERIOD OF THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-FIVE DISAPPOINTMENTS.
96=LIGHTHOUSE: A TALL BUILDING ON THE SEASHORE IN WHICH THE GOVERNMENT MAINTAINS A LAMP AND THE FRIEND OF A POLITICIAN.
97=CHRISTIAN: ONE WHO FOLLOWS THE TEACHINGS OF CHRIST IN SO FAR AS THEY ARE NOT INCONSISTENT WITH A LIFE OF SIN.
98=DESTINY: A TYRANT'S AUTHORITY FOR CRIME AND A FOOL'S EXCUSE FOR FAILURE.
99=EDIBLE: GOOD TO EAT, AND WHOLESOME TO DIGEST, AS A WORM TO A TOAD, A TOAD TO A SNAKE, A SNAKE TO A PIG, A PIG TO A MAN, AND A MAN TO A WORM.
100=ENTHUSIASM: A DISTEMPER OF YOUTH, CURABLE BY SMALL DOSES OF REPENTANCE IN CONNECTION WITH OUTWARD APPLICATIONS OF EXPERIENCE.
[Dorothy Parker]
Number=100
1=GO TO THE MARTIN BECK THEATRE AND WATCH KATHERINE HEPBURN RUN THE GAMUT OF EMOTION FROM A TO B.
2=LILACS BLOSSOM JUST AS SWEET / NOW MY HEART IS SHATTERED. / IF I BOWLED IT DOWN THE STREET, / WHO'S TO SAY IT MATTERED.
3=THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE MEN AND BOYS IS THE COST AND NUMBER OF THEIR TOYS.
4=IRATE MAN: "I'M AFRAID I SIMPLY CANNOT BEAR FOOLS." PARKER: "APPARENTLY YOUR MOTHER COULD."
5=I DON'T CARE WHAT IS WRITTEN ABOUT ME SO LONG AS IT ISN'T TRUE.
6=THE AFFAIR BETWEEN MARGOT ASQUITH AND MARGOT ASQUITH WILL LIVE AS ONE OF THE GREAT LOVE STORIES IN ALL LITERATURE.
7=GOOD WORK, MARY. WE ALL KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU. -- [TELEGRAPH TO A FRIEND WHO JUST HAD A BABY.]
8=IF THERE'S ONE THAT RODE AWAY, / WHAT WOULD I BE MISSING? / LIPS THAT TASTE OF TEARS, THEY SAY, / ARE THE BEST FOR KISSING.
9=THAT A HEART FALLS TINKLING DOWN, / NEVER THINK IT CEASES. / EVERY LIKELY LAD IN TOWN / GATHERS UP THE PIECES.
10=FROM THESE FOUNDATIONS OF THE AUTUMN WARDROBE, ONE MAY LEARN THAT BREVITY IS THE SOUL OF LINGERIE.
11=HE'S A WRITER FOR THE AGES. FOR THE AGES OF FOUR TO EIGHT.
12=OH, SAD ARE WINTER NIGHTS, AND SLOW; / AND SAD'S A SONG THAT'S DUMB; / AND SAD IT IS TO LIE AND KNOW / ANOTHER DAWN WILL COME.
13=THEY LAID THEIR HANDS UPON MY HEAD, / THEY STROKE MY CHEEK AND BROW; / AND TIME COULD HEAL A HURT, THEY SAID, / AND TIME COULD DIM A VOW.
14=ONE MORE DRINK AND I'D HAVE BEEN UNDER THE HOST.
15=EXCUSE MY DUST. -- [HER SUGGESTION FOR HER OWN EPITAPH]
16=HIS IGNORANCE WAS AN EMPIRE STATE BUILDING OF IGNORANCE. YOU HAD TO ADMIRE IT FOR ITS SIZE.
17=ONCE, WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND TRUE, / SOMEONE LEFT ME SAD -- / BROKE MY BRITTLE HEART IN TWO; / AND THAT IS VERY BAD.
18=LOVE IS FOR UNLUCKY FOLK, / LOVE IS BUT A CURSE. / ONCE THERE WAS A HEART I BROKE; / AND THAT, I THINK, IS WORSE.
19=OH SEEK, MY LOVE, YOUR NEWER WAY; / I'LL NOT BE LEFT IN SORROW. / SO LONG AS I HAVE YESTERDAY, / GO TAKE YOUR DAMNED TOMORROW!
20=CLAIRE BOOTH LUCE, AT A DOOR: "AGE BEFORE BEAUTY." PARKER, GOING FIRST: "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE."
21=MEN SELDOM MAKE PASSES / AT GIRLS WHO WEAR GLASSES.
22=IF ALL THE GIRLS ATTENDING IT WERE LAID END TO END, I WOULDN'T BE AT ALL SURPRISED. -- [SAID OF THE GIRLS AT THE YALE PROM]
23=NEEDLE, NEEDLE, DIP AND DART, / THRUSTING UP AND DOWN, / WHERE'S THE MAN COULD EASE A HEART / LIKE A SATIN GOWN?
24=THAT WOMAN SPEAKS 18 LANGUAGES AND SHE CAN'T SAY "NO" IN ANY OF THEM.
25=THIS IS WHAT I KNOW: / LOVER'S OATHS ARE THIN AS RAIN; / LOVE'S A HARBINGER OF PAIN -- / WOULD IT WERE NOT SO!
26=IF I HAD ANY DECENCY, I'D BE DEAD. MOST OF MY FRIENDS ARE.
27=HE WILL LOVE YOU PRESENTLY / IF YOU BE THE WAY YOU BE. / GO AND BLESS YOUR STAR ABOVE, / THUS YOU ARE, AND THUS IS LOVE.
28=HE WILL LEAVE YOU WHITE WITH WOE / IF YOU GO THE WAY YOU GO. / LADY, GO AND CURSE YOUR STAR, / THUS LOVE IS, AND THUS YOU ARE.
29=I REQUIRE ONLY THREE THINGS OF A MAN. HE MUST BE HANDSOME, RUTHLESS, AND STUPID.
30=MEN DON'T LIKE NOBILITY IN WOMEN. NOT ANY MEN. I SUPPOSE IT IS BECAUSE THE MEN LIKE TO HAVE THE COPYRIGHTS ON NOBILITY, IF THERE IS GOING TO ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN A RELATIONSHIP.
31=THE TWO MOST BEAUTIFUL WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE ARE "CHECK ENCLOSED."
32=HOLLYWOOD MONEY ISN'T MONEY. IT'S CONGEALED SNOW, MELTS IN YOUR HAND, AND THERE YOU ARE.
33=PETITE, PRETTY, AND DEADLY AS AN ASP. -- [ASSESSMENT OF DOROTHY PARKER BY HOWARD TEICHMANN]
34=A COMBINATION OF LITTLE NELL AND LADY MACBETH. -- [DESCRIPTION OF DOROTHY PARKER BY ALEXANDER WOLLCOTT]
35=I AM ABOUT TO LEAVE LITERATURE FLAT ON ITS FACE. I DON'T WANT TO REVIEW BOOKS ANY MORE. IT CUTS TOO MUCH ON MY READING.
36=UPON THE WORK OF WALTER LANDOR / I AM UNFIT TO WRITE WITH CANDOR. / IF YOU CAN READ IT, WELL AND GOOD; / BUT AS FOR ME, I NEVER COULD.
37=THE ONLY "ISM" HOLLYWOOD BELIEVES IN IS PLAGIARISM.
38=SHE HAS TWO EXPRESSIONS: JOY AND INDIGESTION.
39=TO ME, EDITH LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING THAT WOULD EAT ITS YOUNG.
40=HOW CAN THEY TELL? -- [HER RESPONSE TO NEWS THAT CALVIN COOLIDGE HAD DIED]
41=THE SWISS ARE A NEAT AND INDUSTRIOUS PEOPLE, NONE OF WHOM IS UNDER SEVENTY-FIVE YEARS OF AGE. THEY MAKE CHEESES, MILK CHOCOLATE, AND WATCHES, ALL OF WHICH, WHEN YOU GET DOWN TO IT, ARE FAIRLY UNNECESSARY.
42=I KNOW SHE'S OUTSPOKEN, BUT BY WHOM?
43=THIS NOVEL IS NOT TO BE TOSSED LIGHTLY ASIDE, BUT TO BE HURLED WITH GREAT FORCE.
44=IF YOU'RE GOING TO WRITE, DON'T PRETEND TO WRITE DOWN. IT'S GOING TO BE THE BEST YOU CAN DO, AND IT'S THE FACT THAT IT'S THE BEST YOU CAN DO THAT KILLS YOU.
45=HIS VOICE WAS AS INTIMATE AS THE RUSTLE OF SHEETS.
46=THUS IT IS, AND SO IT GOES; / WE SHALL HAVE OUR DAY, MY DEAR. / WHERE, UNWILLING, DIES THE ROSE / BUDS THE NEW, ANOTHER YEAR.
47=FOUR BE THE THINGS I AM WISER TO KNOW: / IDLENESS, SORROW, A FRIEND, AND A FOE. / FOUR BE THE THINGS I'D BEEN BETTER WITHOUT: / LOVE, CURIOSITY, FRECKLES, AND DOUBT.
48=RAZORS PAIN YOU; RIVERS ARE DAMP; / ACIDS STAIN YOU; AND DRUGS CAUSE CRAMP. / GUNS AREN'T LAWFUL; NOOSES GIVE; / GAS SMELLS AWFUL; YOU MIGHT AS WELL LIVE.
49=WHY IS IT NO ONE EVER SENT ME YET / ONE PERFECT LIMOUSINE, DO YOU SUPPOSE? / AH ON, IT'S ALWAYS JUST MY LUCK TO GET / ONE PERFECT ROSE.
50=OH, LIFE IS A GLORIOUS CYCLE OF SONG, / A MEDLEY OF EXTEMPORANEA; / AND LOVE IS A THING THAT CAN NEVER GO WRONG; / AND I AM MARIE OF ROUMANIA.
51=WIT HAS TRUTH TO IT; WISECRACKING IS SIMPLY CALISTHENICS WITH WORDS.
52=THREE BE THE THINGS I SHALL NEVER ATTAIN: / ENVY, CONTENT, AND SUFFICIENT CHAMPAGNE. / THREE BE THE THINGS I SHALL HAVE TILL I DIE: / LAUGHTER AND HOPE AND A SOCK IN THE EYE.
53=BUT I KNOW OF THINGS I KNOW, / AND DO THE THINGS I DO; / AND IF YOU DO NOT LIKE ME SO, / TO HELL, MY LOVE, WITH YOU!
54=OH, HARD IS THE STRUGGLE, AND SPARSE IS / THE GAIN OF THE ONE AT THE TOP, / FOR ART IS A FORM OF CATHARSIS, / AND LOVE IS A PERMANENT FLOP.
55=AND WORK IS THE PROVINCE OF CATTLE, / AND REST'S FOR A CLAM IN A SHELL, // SO I'M THINKING OF THROWING THE BATTLE, / WOULD YOU KINDLY DIRECT ME TO HELL.?
56=THERE'S LITTLE IN TAKING OR GIVING, / THERE'S LITTLE IN WATER OR WINE; / THIS LIVING, THIS LIVING, THIS LIVING, WAS NEVER A PROJECT OF MINE.
57=THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL WHO HAD A LITTLE CURL, RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF HER FOREHEAD. WHEN SHE WAS GOOD SHE WAS VERY GOOD, AND WHEN SHE WAS BAD SHE WORE THIS DIVINE NIGHTDRESS ... TRIMMED WITH VALENCIENNES LACE.
58=IF YOU WERE EVER IN THE THEATER OF WAR, IT WAS IN THE LAST-ROW SEAT NEAREST THE EXIT.
59=AN INCH SMALLER, AND IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ADULTERY. -- [DESCRIBING THE SMALL OFFICE SHE SHARED WITH ROBERT BENCHLEY]
60=PROBABLY THE WOMAN HAD INJURED HERSELF WHILE SLIDING DOWN A BARRISTER.
61=YOU MAY LEAD A HORTICULTURE, BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE HER THINK.
62=FRIEND: "THE POOR WOMAN WAS A NICE PERSON WHO WOULDN'T HURT A FLY." PARKER: "NOT IF IT WAS BUTTONED UP."
63=HAPPY THOUGHTS CONTENTMENT BRING / CRABBED MILLIONAIRES CAN'T KNOW; / MONEY DOESN'T MEAN A THING, ... / TRY TO TELL A BUTCHER SO.
64=OH, BEGGAR PRINCE, NOR MORE, NO MORE! / BE OFF AND AWAY WITH YOUR STRUT AND YOUR SHOW. / THE SWEETER THE APPLE, THE BLACKER THE CORE -- / SCRATCH A LOVER, AND FIND A FOE!
65=ONE WHO KEEPS ASSURING YOU / THAT HE NEVER WAS UNTRUE, / NEVER LOVED ANOTHER ONE ... / LADY, LADY, BETTER RUN!
66=OH, I SHOULD LIKE TO STRUT AND CURSE / AMONG MY BLACKGUARD CREW ... / BUT I AM WRITING LITTLE VERSE / AS LITTLE LADIES DO.
67=THIS IS A FINE THING TO BE DOING, AT MY AGE, SITTING HERE MAKING UP SISSY VERSES ABOUT BROKEN HEARTS AND THAT TRIPE.
68=THE NEXT TIME I DIED, THEY LAID ME DEEP. / THEY SPOKE WORN WORDS TO HALLOW MY SLEEP. / AND I LIE HERE WARM, AND I LIE HERE DRY / AND WATCH THE WORMS SLIP BY, SLIP BY.
69=DRINK AND DANCE AND LAUGH AND LIE, / LOVE, THE REELING MIDNIGHT THROUGH, / FOR TOMORROW WE SHALL DIE! / (BUT, ALAS, WE NEVER DO.)
70=IF I HAD A SHINY GUN, / I COULD HAVE A WORLD OF FUN / SPEEDING BULLETS THROUGH THE BRAINS / OF THE FOLKS WHO GAVE ME PAINS.
71=BOOK REVIEW: SECOND ONLY TO A RUBBER DUCK AS THE IDEAL BATHTUB COMPANION. ... IT MAY BE READ THROUGH BEFORE THE WATER HAS COOLED. AND IF IT SLIPS DOWN THE DRAIN PIPE, ... IT SLIPS DOWN THE DRAIN PIPE.
72=REVIEW OF THE HOUSE AT POOH CORNER: IT IS AT THE WORD "HUMMY" THAT MARKS THE FIRST PLACE ... AT WHICH TONSTANT WEADER FWOWED UP.
73=THE SUN'S GONE DIM, AND / AND THE MOON'S TURNED BLACK; / FOR I LOVED HIM, AND / HE DIDN'T LOVE BACK.
74=IT ALWAYS TAKES MORE TO LIVE ON THAN WHAT YOU EARN.
75=THEN IF MY FRIENDSHIPS BREAK AND BEND, / THERE'S LITTLE NEED TO CRY. / THE WHILE I KNOW THAT EVERY FOE / IS FAITHFUL TILL I DIE.
76=LITTLE DROPS OF GRAIN ALCOHOL / LITTLE SLUGS OF GIN / MAKE THE MIGHTY NOTIONS / MAKE THE DOUBLE CHIN. -- POEM ABOUT DOROTHY PARKER
77=TRAVEL, TROUBLE, MUSIC, ART, / A KISS, A FROCK, A RHYME -- / I NEVER SAID THEY FEED THE HEART, / BUT STILL THEY PASS MY TIME.
78=HELEN OF TROY HAD A WANDERING GLANCE; / SAPPHO'S RESTRICTION WAS ONLY THE SKY; / NINON WAS EVER THE CHATTER OF FRANCE; / BUT, OH, WHAT A GOOD GIRL AM I!
79=NEVER SEND A BOY ON A MAN'S ERRAND. -- [HER RESPONSE AFTER TRYING COCA COLA AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR GIN]
80=HIGGLEDY PIGGLEDY, MY WHITE HEN; / SHE LAYS EGGS FOR GENTLEMEN. / YOU CANNOT PERSUADE HER WITH GUN OR LARIAT / TO COME ACROSS FOR THE PROLETARIAT.
81=LISTEN, I CAN'T EVEN GET MY DOG TO STAY DOWN. DO I LOOK TO YOU LIKE SOMEONE WHO COULD OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT? -- [RESPONDING TO RED SCARE CHARGES]
82=THE DOCTORS WERE VERY BRAVE ABOUT IT. -- [DISCUSSING HER HEART PROBLEMS]
83=OH, LET IT BE A NIGHT OF LYRIC RAIN / AND SINGING BREEZES, WHEN MY BELL IS TOLLED. / I HAVE SO LOVED THE RAIN THAT I WOULD HOLD / LAST IN MY EARS ITS FRIENDLY, DIM REFRAIN.
84=IF I ABSTAIN FROM FUN AND SUCH, / I'LL PROBABLY AMOUNT TO MUCH; BUT I SHALL STAY THE WAY I AM, BECAUSE I DO NOT GIVE A DAMN.
85=WOMAN WANTS MONOGAMY; / MAN DELIGHTS IN NOVELTY. / LOVE IS WOMAN'S MOON AND SUN; / MAN HAS OTHER FORMS OF FUN.
86=WOMAN LIVES BUT IN HERE LORD; / COUNT TO TEN, AND MAN IS BORED. / WITH THIS THE GIST OF SUM OF IT, / WHAT EARTHLY GOOD CAN COME OF IT?
87=THEY SAY OF ME, AND SO THEY SHOULD, / IT'S DOUBTFUL IF I COME TO GOOD. / AND THOUGH TO GOOD I NEVER COME -- / INSEPARABLE MY NOSE AND THUMB!
88=AND HE WOULD BE A GALLANT ONE, / WITH STARS BEHIND HIS EYES, / AND HAIR LIKE METAL IN THE SUN, / AND LIPS TOO WARM FOR LIES.
89=ACCURSED FROM THEIR BIRTH THEY BE / WHO SEEK TO FIND MONOGAMY, / PURSUING IT FROM BED TO BED -- / I THINK THEY WOULD BE BETTER DEAD.
90=THE CALMER, I, TO SEE IT TRUE / THAT WAYS OF LOVE ARE NEVER NEW -- / THE LOVE THAT SETS YOU DAFT AND DAZED / IS EVERY LOVE THAT EVER BLAZED.
91=SHOULD HEAVEN SEND ME ANY SON, / I HOPE HE'S NOT LIKE TENNYSON. / I'D RATHER HAVE HIM PLAY A FIDDLE / THAN RISE AND BOW AND SPEAK AND IDYLL.
92=CARLYLE COMBINED THE LIT'RY LIFE / WITH THROWING TEACUPS AT HIS WIFE, / REMARKING, RATHER TESTILY, / "OH, STOP YOUR DODGING, MRS. C.!"
93=AUTHORS AND ACTORS AND ARTISTS AND SUCH / NEVER KNOW NOTHING, AND NEVER KNOW MUCH. / PEOPLE WHO DO THINGS EXCEED MY ENDURANCE; / GOD FOR A MAN THAT SOLICITS INSURANCE.
94=IT COSTS ME NEVER A STAB NOR SQUIRM / TO TREAD BY CHANCE UPON A WORM. / "AHA, MY LITTLE DEAR, " I SAY, / "YOUR CLAN WILL PAY ME BACK ONE DAY."
95=SHOULD THEY WHISPER FALSE OF YOU, / NEVER TROUBLE TO DENY; / SHOULD THE WORDS THEY SAY BE TRUE, / WEEP AND STORM AND SWEAR THEY LIE.
96=MY LAND IS BARE OF CHATTERING FOLK; / THE CLOUDS ARE LOW ALONG THE RIDGE, / SWEET'S THE AIR OF CURLY SMOKE / FROM ALL MY BURNING BRIDGES.
97=HE'D HAVE THE BEST, AND THAT WAS NONE TOO GOOD; / NO BARRIER COULD HOLD, BEFORE HIS TERMS. / HE LIES BELOW, CORRECT IN CYPRESS WOOD, / AND ENTERTAINS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE WORMS.
98=THE MAN SHE HAD WAS KIND AND CLEAN / AND WELL ENOUGH FOR EVERY DAY, / BUT, OH, MY FRIENDS, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN / THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY!
99=CAREFUL, SON, OF THE CURSED TWO -- / EITHER ONE IS A DANGEROUS PET; / NATURAL HISTORY PROVE IT TRUE -- / WOMEN AND ELEPHANTS NEVER FORGET.
100=PRINCE OR COMMONER, TENOR OR BASS, / PAINTER OR PLUMBER OR NEVER-DO-WELL, BO ME A FAVOR AND SHUT YOUR FACE -- / POETS ALONE SHOULD KISS AND TELL.
[Philip Marlowe]
Number=100
1=HE WAS A BIG MAN BUT NOT MORE THAN SIX FEET FIVE INCHES TALL AND NOT WIDER THAN A BEER TRUCK.
2=HE LOOKED ABOUT AS INCONSPICUOUS AS A TARANTULA ON A SLICE OF ANGEL FOOD.
3=I WALKED ALONG TO THE DOUBLE DOORS AND STOOD IN FRONT OF THEM. IT WASN'T ANY OF MY BUSINESS. SO I PUSHED THEM OPEN AND LOOKED IN.
4=HE WAS MOVING SLOWLY AS IF WITH GREAT PAIN AND EFFORT. HE WAS CRAWLING SOFTLY ALONG THE BASEBOARD LIKE A FLY WITH ONE WING.
5=HIS HEAD WAS FOLDED BACK OVER THE HIGH BACK OF THE CHAIR SO THAT HIS NOSE POINTED AT THE BOARDED-UP WINDOW. JUST FOLDED, LIKE A HANDKERCHIEF OR A HINGE.
6=HE WORE AN ASCOT TIE THAT LOOKED AS IF IT HAD BEEN TIED ABOUT THE YEAR 1880. THE GREEN STONE IN HIS STICKPIN WAS NOT QUITE AS LARGE AS AN APPLE.
7=THE WOMAN'S EYES BECAME FIXED IN AN INCREDULOUS STARE. THEN SUSPICION CLIMBED ALL OVER HER FACE, LIKE A KITTEN, BUT NOT SO PLAYFUL.
8=SHE'S A CHARMING MIDDLE AGED LADY WITH A FACE LIKE A BUCKET OF MUD AND IF SHE HAS WASHED HER HAIR SINCE COOLIDGE'S SECOND TERM, I'LL EAT MY SPARE TIRE, RIM AND ALL.
9=I STARTED UP THE STEPS. IT WAS A NICE WALK IF YOU LIKE GRUNTING. THERE WERE TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY STEPS ... AND THE HANDRAIL WAS AS COLD AND WET AS A TOAD'S BELLY.
10=MR. MARRIOTT'S FACE LOOKED AS IF HE HAD SWALLOWED A BEE. HE SMOOTHED IT OUT WITH AN EFFORT.
11=I LOOKED AT THE DIMPLE IN HIS BROAD FLESHY CHIN. YOU COULD HAVE LOST A MARBLE IN IT.
12="I'M AFRAID I DON'T LIKE YOUR MANNER," HE SAID, USING THE EDGE OF HIS VOICE. "I'VE HAD COMPLAINTS ABOUT IT," I SAID. "BUT NOTHING SEEMS TO DO ANY GOOD."
13=I FELT THE BACK OF MY HEAD. ... GOOD OLD HEAD, I'D HAD IT A LONG TIME. IT WAS A LITTLE SOFT NOW, A LITTLE PULPY. ... I COULD STILL USE THE HEAD. I COULD USE IT ANOTHER YEAR ANYWAY.
14=IT WAS A NICE FACE, A FACE YOU GET TO LIKE. PRETTY, BUT NOT SO PRETTY THAT YOU WOULD HAVE TO WEAR BRASS KNUCKLES EVERY TIME YOU TOOK IT OUT.
15=I FILLED A PIPE AND REACHED FOR THE PACKET OF PAPER MATCHES. I LIT THE PIPE CAREFULLY. SHE WATCHED THAT WITH APPROVAL. PIPE SMOKERS WERE SOLID MEN. SHE WAS GOING TO BE DISAPPOINTED IN ME.
16=I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING. I LIT MY PIPE AGAIN. IT MAKES YOU LOOK THOUGHTFUL WHEN YOU ARE NOT THINKING.
17=SOMEBODY OUGHT TO SEW BUTTONS ON HIS FACE.
18="YOU HAVE SUCH NICE BROWN EYES," SHE SAID. "AND YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH."
19=IT WAS A BLONDE. A BLONDE TO MAKE A BISHOP KICK A HOLE IN A STAINED GLASS WIDOW.
20=YOU COULD GET TO LIKE A FACE LIKE THAT. GLAMOURED UP BLONDES WERE A DIME A DOZEN, BUT THAT WAS A FACE THAT WOULD WEAR. I SMILED AT IT.
21=MY STOMACH BURNED FROM THE LAST DRINK. I WASN'T HUNGRY. I LIT A CIGARETTE. IT TASTED LIKE A PLUMBER'S HANDKERCHIEF.
22=HER MOUTH WAS THE SIZE OF A PRUNE AND AS SMOOTH.
23=I LEFT HER LAUGHING. THE SOUND WAS LIKE A HEN HAVING HICCUPS.
24=I LEANED AGAINST THE DOOR FRAME AND PUT A CIGARETTE IN MY MOUTH AND TRIED TO JERK IT UP FAR ENOUGH TO HIT MY NOSE WITH IT. THIS IS HARDER THAN IT LOOKS.
25=SHE PUT HER HEAD BACK AND WENT INTO A PEAL OF LAUGHTER. I HAVE ONLY KNOWN FOUR WOMEN IN MY LIFE WHO COULD DO THAT AND STILL LOOK BEAUTIFUL. SHE WAS ONE OF THEM.
26="HAVE A DRINK." SHE POURED US SOME MORE SCOTCH. IT DIDN'T SEEM TO AFFECT HER ANY MORE THAN WATER AFFECTS BOULDER DAM.
27=HIS HAT WAS AT LEAST TWO SIZES TOO SMALL AND HAD BEEN PERSPIRED IN FREELY BY SOMEBODY IT FITTED BETTER THAN IT FITTED HIM. HE WORE IT ABOUT WHERE A HOUSE WEARS A WIND VANE.
28=HIS COLLAR HAD THE SNUG FIT OF A HORSE-COLLAR AND WAS ABOUT THE SAME SHADE OF DIRTY BROWN.
29=A TIE DANGLED OUTSIDE HIS BUTTONED JACKET, A BLACK TIE WHICH HAD BEEN TIED WITH A PAIR OF PLIERS IN A KNOT THE SIZE OF A PEA.
30=HE SNORTED AND HIS NOSTRILS GOT VERY WIDE. THEY HAD BEEN WIDE ENOUGH FOR MOUSEHOLES TO START WITH.
31=THEN HE REMOVED HIS HAT WITH MASSIVE DISGUST AND TURNED IT UPSIDE DOWN. HE ROLLED A FINGER AROUND THE SWEATBAND. THAT TURNED THE SWEATBAND UP INTO VIEW, AND IT HAD NOT BEEN MISNAMED.
32=HE NODDED ABSENTLY. "YES, I TREATED HER CENTERS OF SPEECH. SHE HAD A SLIGHT IMPEDIMENT." "YOU DID A SWEET JOB ON HER, " I SAID. "SHE TALKS AS GOOD AS I DO NOW."
33=I SAW A WASHBOWL JAMMED INTO THE CORNER OF THE WALL. I MADE IT. I JUST MADE IT. I VOMITED. DIZZY DEAN NEVER THREW ANYTHING HARDER.
34=I USED MY KNEE ON HIS FACE. IT HURT MY KNEE. HE DIDN'T TELL ME WHETHER IT HURT HIS FACE.
35=THERE WAS A SHARP TAP AT THE DOOR, THE KIND OF BOSSY KNOCK THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO OPEN THE DOOR TWO INCHES, EMIT THE SUCCULENT RASPBERRY AND SLAM IT AGAIN.
36=I LIKE SMOOTH SHINY GIRLS, HARDBOILED AND LOADED WITH SIN.
37=HE SMILED HIS FIRST SMILE OF THE DAY. HE PROBABLY ALLOWED HIMSELF FOUR.
38=I STARED AT HIM ACROSS THE TOP OF MY COFFEE CUP. I WAS BEGINNING TO LIKE THE HAM. HE HAD A LOT BEHIND HIS VEST BESIDES HIS SHIRT.
39=HE LOOKED AT ME LIKE THAT FOR A LONG TEN SECONDS. THEN HE SMILED. HE WAS DOING AN AWFUL LOT OF SMILING THAT DAY. USED UP A WHOLE WEEK'S SUPPLY.
40=HE HAD SMALL, HUNGRY, HEAVY-LIDDED EYES, AS RESTLESS AS FLEAS.
41=SHE SIGHED. "ALL MEN ARE THE SAME." "SO ARE ALL WOMEN -- AFTER THE FIRST TIME." SHE DAMNED ME AND HUNG UP.
42=IT WAS A SMALL FRONT ROOM WITH A HARD BED AND A MATTRESS SLIGHTLY THICKER THAN THE COTTON BLANKET THAT COVERED IT.
43=I NEEDED A DRINK. I NEED LIFE INSURANCE. I NEEDED A VACATION. I NEEDED A HOME IN THE COUNTRY. WHAT I HAD WAS A COAT, A HAT AND A GUN.
44=HE HAD THREE INCHES ON ME AND THIRTY POUNDS. BUT IT WAS GETTING TO BE TIME FOR ME TO PUT MY FIST INTO SOMEBODY'S TEETH EVEN IF ALL I GOT FOR IT WAS A WOODEN ARM.
45="I'M AFRAID OF DEATH AND DESPAIR," I SAID. "OF DARK WATER AND DROWNED MEN'S FACES AND SKULLS WITH EMPTY EYE SOCKETS."
46="NEED A LITTLE HELP UP THERE?" "ALL I NEED IS A SILVER TONGUE AND THE ONE I HAVE IS LIKE A LIZARD'S BACK."
47="I THINK YOU'RE SCARED. ... I KNOW YOU'RE SCARED," HE WHISPERED. "I'LL GET OVER IT," I SAID. "ONE WAY OR THE OTHER."
48="PROOF," I SAID, "IS ALWAYS A RELATIVE THING. IT'S AN OVERWHELMING BALANCE OF PROBABILITIES. AND THAT'S A MATTER OF HOW THEY STRIKE YOU."
49=WE STARED AT EACH OTHER. SHE HAD THE RIGHT HAND IN HER BAG AGAIN NOW. I HAD A GOOD IDEA WHAT IT HELD. BUT IT HADN'T STARTED TO COME OUT YET. EVERY EVENT TAKES TIME.
50=ALL SHE DID WAS TAKE HER HAND OUT OF HER BAG, WITH A GUN IN IT. ALL SHE DID WAS POINT IT AT ME AND SMILE. ALL I DID WAS NOTHING.
51=SHE SHOT HIM FIVE TIMES IN THE STOMACH. THE BULLETS MADE NO MORE SOUND THAN FINGERS GOING INTO A GLOVE.
52=I TURNED HIS HEAD A LITTLE ON THE BED, SO HE WOULDN'T SMOTHER. HE WAS STILL ALIVE, BUT AFTER FIVE IN THE STOMACH EVEN A MOOSE MALLOY DOESN'T LIVE VERY LONG.
53=SHE WAS SITTING BEHIND A BLACK GLASS DESK THAT LOOKED LIKE NAPOLEON'S TOMB AND SHE WAS SMOKING A CIGARETTE IN A BLACK HOLDER THAT WAS NOT QUITE AS LONG AS A ROLLED UMBRELLA.
54=HIS HAIR WAS GRAY AND CLIPPED SHORT AND HIS NECK HAD AS MANY FOLDS AS A CONCERTINA.
55=THE ELEVATOR HAD A CARPETED FLOOR AND MIRRORS AND INDIRECT LIGHTING. IT ROSE AS SOFTLY AS THE MERCURY IN A THERMOMETER.
56=THE ROOM WAS EMPTY. IT WAS FULL OF SILENCE AND THE MEMORY OF A NICE PERFUME. ONE OF THOSE PERFUMES YOU DON'T NOTICE UNTIL THEY ARE ALMOST GONE, LIKE THE LAST LEAF ON A TREE.
57=VENUS IN THE WEST WAS AS BRIGHT AS A STREET LAMP, AS BRIGHT AS LIFE, AS BRIGHT AS MISS HUNTRESS' EYES, AS BRIGHT AS A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH.
58=HIS GUN WAS A COLT WOODSMAN WITH A LONG BARREL AND THE FRONT SIGHT FILED OFF. THAT MEANT HE THOUGHT HE WAS GOOD.
59="YOU OUGHTA GET YOUR ... DOOR FIXED. A PUSHOVER THAT WAS. FRISKY JUST BLEW IT IN WITH HIS BREATH."
60=WE WENT OVER TO THE LITTLE MAN AND LOOKED DOWN AT HIM. HE WASN'T ANYTHING TO SEE. HE WAS JUST A LITTLE MAN WHO WAS DEAD, WITH A BIG SLUG IN HIS FACE AND BLOOD ON HIM.
61="THERE WAS A STIFF IN FRONT OF YOUR GATES HALF AN HOUR AGO. STIFF MEANING DEAD MAN. HE'S QUITE SMALL. YOU COULD SWEEP HIM UP IN A DUSTPAN, IF HE BOTHERS YOU."
62=HE HAD HIS RIGHT HAND IN THE SIDE POCKET OF THE COAT, AND UNDER THE DERBY A PAIR OF SCARRED EYEBROWS AND UNDER THE EYEBROWS A PAIR OF EYES THAT HAD AS MUCH EXPRESSION IN THEM AS A CAP ON A GAS TANK.
63="SO LET'S SEE WHAT WE HAVE GOT. WE HAVE A LOT OF THINGS THAT DON'T ADD UP, BUT I'M SMART. I'M GOING TO ADD THEM UP ANYHOW."
64=SHE MARRIED A CHEAP LITTLE CHECK BOUNCER NAMED JOHNNY HORNE, TO REFORM HIM. SHE HADN'T REFORMED HIM, BUT SHE WAS WAITING FOR HIM TO COME OUT SO SHE COULD TRY AGAIN.
65=HER FACE WAS FRESH AND YOUNG AND DELICATE, AND AS HARD AS A CHISEL.
66=THE FLOOR ROSE UP AND BUMPED ME. I SAT ON IT AS ON A RAFT IN A ROUGH SEA. I BRACED MYSELF ON FLAT HANDS.
67=A SWELL PLACE FOR AN EX-CONVICT TO HIDE OUT WITH A COUPLE OF SOMEBODY ELSE'S PEARLS THE SIZE OF NEW POTATOES -- IF HE DIDN'T HAVE ENEMIES.
68=I WAS NEAT, CLEAN, SHAVED AND SOBER, AND I DIDN'T CARE WHO KNEW IT. I WAS EVERYTHING THE WELL-DRESSED DETECTIVE OUGHT TO BE. I WAS CALLING ON FOUR MILLION DOLLARS.
69=SHE CAME OVER NEAR ME WITH HER MOUTH AND SHE HAD LITTLE SHARP PREDATORY TEETH, AS WHITE AS FRESH ORANGE PITH AND AS SHINY AS PORCELAIN.
70=SHE WAS THINKING. I COULD SEE, EVEN ON THAT SHORT ACQUAINTANCE, THAT THINKING WAS ALWAYS GOING TO BE A BOTHER TO HER.
71=A FEW LOCKS OF DRY WHITE HAIR CLUNG TO HIS SCALP, LIKE WILD FLOWERS FIGHTING FOR LIFE ON A BARE ROCK.
72=WHEN I LOOKED BACK SHE HAD HER LIP BETWEEN HER TEETH AND WAS WORRYING IT LIKE A PUPPY AT THE FRINGE OF A RUG.
73=NEITHER OF THE TWO PEOPLE IN THE ROOM PAID ANY ATTENTION TO THE WAY I CAME IN, ALTHOUGH ONLY ONE OF THEM WAS DEAD.
74=THERE WAS A THICK PINKISH CHINESE RUG IN WHICH A GOPHER COULD HAVE SPENT A WEEK WITHOUT SHOWING HIS NOSE ABOVE THE NAP.
75=THE ROOM CONTAINED AN ODD ASSORTMENT OF ODORS, OF WHICH THE MOST EMPHATIC AT THE MOMENT SEEM TO BE THE PUNGENT AFTERMATH OF CORDITE.
76=SHE WAS WEARING A PAIR OF LONG JADE EARRINGS. THEY WERE NICE EARRINGS AND HAD PROBABLY COST A COUPLE OF HUNDRED DOLLARS. SHE WASN'T WEARING ANYTHING ELSE.
77=HIS GLASS EYE SHONE BRIGHTLY UP AT ME WAS BY FAR THE MOST LIFE LIKE THING ABOUT HIM. AT A GLANCE NONE OF THE THREE SHOTS I HEARD HAD MISSED. HE WAS VERY DEAD.
78=I COULD SEE TWO PARALLEL GROOVES POINTING THAT WAY, AS THOUGH HEELS HAD BEEN DRAGGED. WHOEVER HAD DONE IT HAD MEANT BUSINESS. DEAD MEN ARE HEAVIER THAN BROKEN HEARTS.
79=IT WAS A CRISP MORNING, WITH JUST ENOUGH SNAP IN THE AIR TO MAKE LIFE SEEM SIMPLE AND SWEET, IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE TOO MUCH ON YOUR MIND. I HAD.
80=HER WHOLE BODY SHIVERED AND HER FACE FELL APART LIKE A BRIDE'S PIE CRUST.
81=THE SMILE CAME BACK, WITH A COUPLE OF CORNERS BADLY BENT.
82=A PRETTY, SPOILED AND NOT VERY BRIGHT LITTLE GIRL WHO HAD GONE VERY, VERY WRONG, AND NOBODY WAS DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT. TO HELL WITH THE RICH. THEY MADE ME SICK.
83=I DIDN'T MOVE. THE MUZZLE OF THE LUGER LOOKED LIKE THE MOUTH OF THE SECOND STREET TUNNEL. NOT BEING BULLET PROOF IS AN IDEA I HAD TO GET USED TO.
84=HAIR LIKE STEEL WOOL GREW FAR BACK ON HIS HEAD AND GAVE HIM A GREAT DEAL OF DOMED BROWN FOREHEAD THAT MIGHT AT A CARELESS GLANCE HAVE SEEMED A DWELLING PLACE FOR BRAINS.
85=WHERE DID IT MATTER WHERE YOU LAY ONCE YOU WERE DEAD? IN A DIRTY SUMP OR IN A MARBLE TOWER ON TOP OF A HIGH HILL? YOU WERE DEAD, YOU WERE SLEEPING THE BIG SLEEP, YOU WERE NOT BOTHERED BY THINGS LIKE THAT.
86=HIS HEART WAS A BRIEF, UNCERTAIN MURMUR. HIS THOUGHTS WERE AS GRAY AS ASHES. AND IN A LITTLE WHILE HE TOO WOULD BE SLEEPING THE BIG SLEEP.
87=THEIR ACCOUNTS OF THE AFFAIR CAME AS CLOSE TO THE TRUTH AS NEWSPAPER STORIES USUALLY COME -- AS CLOSE AS MARS IS TO SATURN.
88=I WENT BACK TO THE OFFICE AND SAT IN MY SWIVEL CHAIR AND TRIED TO CATCH UP ON MY FOOT DANGLING.
89=HE LOOKED EARNESTLY AT ME, AS IF THAT WAS IMPORTANT TO ME. I YAWNED AND FINISHED MY DRINK.
90=I LEANED AGAINST HIM AND TOOK THE GUN OUT OF HIS OVERCOAT POCKET. "SOMEBODY'S ALWAYS GIVING ME GUNS," I TOLD HIM. "I'M WEIGHTED DOWN WITH THEM TILL I WALK ALL CROOKED."
91=I PUT MY ARMS AROUND HER LOOSELY AT FIRST. HER HAIR HAD A HARSH FEELING AGAINST MY FACE. I TIGHTENED MY ARMS AND LIFTED HER UP. HER EYELIDS WERE FLICKERING RAPIDLY, LIKE MOTH WINGS.
92=I STOPPED THINKING. LIGHTS MOVED BEHIND MY CLOSED LIDS. I WAS LOST IN SPACE. I WAS A PINK-HEADED BUG CRAWLING UP THE SIDE OF THE CITY HALL. I WAS ASLEEP.
93=I WENT ACROSS THE ROOM AGAIN TO THE CHESSBOARD ON THE CARD TABLE UNDER THE LAMP. THERE WAS A PROBLEM LAID OUT ON THE TABLE, A SIX-MOVER I COULDN'T SOLVE, LIKE A LOT OF MY PROBLEMS.
94=THERE WAS A VAGUE GLIMMER OF DOUBT STARTING TO GET BORN IN HER SOMEWHERE. SHE DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT YET. IT'S SO HARD FOR WOMEN -- EVEN NICE WOMEN -- TO REALIZE THAT THEIR BODIES ARE NOT IRRESISTIBLE.
95=DARK SILENT MYSTIFIED EYES STARED AT ME SOLEMNLY, THE DOUBT GROWING LARGER IN THEM, CREEPING INTO THEM NOISELESSLY, LIKE A CAT IN LONG GRASS STALKING A YOUNG BLACKBIRD.
96=I GOT UP FEELING SLUGGISH AND STOOD LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOWS. I WAS AS EMPTY OF LIFE AS A SCARECROW'S POCKETS.
97=HE WAS A VERY SMALL MAN, NOT MORE THAN FIVE FEET THREE AND WOULD HARDLY WEIGH AS MUCH AS A BUTCHER'S THUMB.
98=HE HAD TIGHT BRILLIANT EYES THAT WANTED TO LOOK HARD, AND LOOKED AS HARD AS OYSTERS ON THE HALF SHELL.
99=I SAT IN MY CHAIR THINKING ABOUT HARRY JAMES AND HIS STORY. IT SEEMED A LITTLE TOO PAT. IT HAD THE AUSTERE SIMPLICITY OF FICTION RATHER THAN THE TANGLED WOOF OF FACT.
100=A NASTY BUILDING. PLENTY OF VACANCIES AND PLENTY OF TENANTS WHO WISHED TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS. PAINLESS DENTISTS, SHYSTER DETECTIVE AGENCIES, SMALL SICK BUSINESSES THAT HAD CRAWLED THERE TO DIE.
[Samuel Goldwyn]
Number=100
1=CHEER UP, FREDDY. YOU'VE GOT THE BEST PART IN THE PICTURE. AND YOU, ANNA, YOU'VE GOT THE BEST PART TOO.
2=YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE THE SOUR WITH THE BITTER.
3=SAM: "MAYBE WE SHOULD BUY [THE CHILDREN'S HOUR]." MAN: "FORGET IT, MR. GOLDWYN. IT'S ABOUT LESBIANS." SAM: "DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT. WE'LL MAKE THEM AMERICANS."
4=IF YOU DON'T DISAGREE WITH ME, HOW WILL I KNOW I'M RIGHT?
5=SAM: "WHY ONLY TWELVE [APOSTLES]?" EMPLOYEE: "BECAUSE THAT'S THE ORIGINAL NUMBER." SAM: "GO OUT AND GET THOUSANDS."
6=I DON'T THINK ANYBODY SHOULD WRITE HIS AUTOBIOGRAPHY UNTIL AFTER HE'S DEAD.
7=A BACHELOR'S LIFE IS NO LIFE FOR A SINGLE MAN.
8=LET'S HAVE SOME NEW CLICHES.
9=MODERN DANCING IS SO OLD-FASHIONED.
10=I WAS VERY PLEASANTLY DISAPPOINTED.
11=SPARE NO EXPENSE TO MAKE EVERYTHING AS ECONOMICAL AS POSSIBLE.
12=THIS BOOK HAS TOO MUCH PLOT AND NOT ENOUGH STORY.
13=I WANT THIS TO BE FIFTY-FIFTY LIKE I SAID, BUT I WANT YOU TO SEE THAT I GET THE BEST PART OF IT.
14=MY HORSE WAS IN THE LEAD, COMING DOWN THE HOMESTRETCH, WHEN THE CADDIE HAD TO FALL OFF.
15=THE TROUBLE WITH THIS BUSINESS IS THE DEARTH OF BAD PICTURES.
16=GO SEE IT AND SEE FOR YOURSELF WHY YOU SHOULDN'T GO SEE IT.
17=GENTLEMEN, LISTEN TO ME SLOWLY.
18=I GO TO MOVIES EVERY NIGHT. WHY NOT? I'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING TO GET MY MIND OFF BUSINESS.
19=THAT'S NOT ENOUGH SARCASM IN THE MUSICAL SCORE.
20=TELL ME, HOW DID YOU LOVE MY PICTURE?
21=THIS IS A PERFECT SCENARIO. ... I WANT YOU TO HAVE A HUNDRED COPIES MADE SO I CAN DISTRIBUTE THEM ... SO THAT EVERYONE SHOULD SEE A REALLY PERFECT SCRIPT. AND HURRY, BEFORE I START REWRITING IT.
22=IF YOU CAN'T GIVE ME YOUR WORD OF HONOR, WILL YOU GIVE ME YOUR PROMISE?
23=WE'RE OVERPAYING HIM BUT HE'S WORTH IT.
24=HERE I AM PAYING BIG MONEY TO YOU WRITERS AND FOR WHAT? ALL YOU DO IS CHANGE THE WORDS.
25=IF THIS SCENE ISN'T THE GREATEST LOVE SCENE EVER PUT ON FILM, THE WHOLE ... PICTURE WILL GO RIGHT UP OUT OF THE SEWER.
26=DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME KEEPING STILL?
27=SAM: "WHY IS IT SO DIRTY HERE?" DIRECTOR: "CAUSE IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A SLUM." SAM: "WELL THIS SLUM COST A LOT OF MONEY. IT SHOULD LOOK BETTER THAN AN ORDINARY SLUM."
28=SAM, LOOKING AT A SUNDIAL: "HOW DOES THING WORK?"
29=KEEP A STIFF UPPER CHIN.
30=HOW AM I GONNA DO GOOD PICTURES WHEN ALL MY GOOD WRITERS ARE IN JAIL? ... DON'T MISUNDERSTAND ME, THEY ALL OUGHT TO BE HUNG.
31=IF I ENTERED INTO AN AGREEMENT WITH THIS MAN I WOULD BE STICKING MY HEAD IN A MOOSE.
32=WHEN IT COMES TO RUINING A PAINTING, HE'S AN ARTIST.
33=ANYTHING THAT MAN SAYS YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE WITH A DOSE OF SALTS.
34=IT WILL CREATE AN EXCITEMENT THAT WILL SWEEP THE COUNTRY LIKE WILDFLOWERS.
35=THIS WILL START WITH A BANG IN HOLLYWOOD AND DEGENERATE THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE WORLD.
36=I WANT A LADY, ONE THAT'S COUTH.
37=OUR COMEDIES ARE NOT TO BE LAUGHED AT.
38=A VERBAL CONTRACT ISN'T WORTH THE PAPER IT'S WRITTEN ON.
39=IT ROLLS OFF MY BACK LIKE A DUCK.
40=THEY ALWAYS BITE THE HAND THAT LAYS THE GOLDEN EGG.
41=WHEN I WANT YOUR OPINION, I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU.
42=I'VE BEEN LAID UP WITH THE INTENTIONAL FLU.
43=I HAD A GREAT IDEA THIS MORNING, BUT I DIDN'T LIKE IT.
44=LET'S BRING IT UP TO DATE WITH SOME SNAPPY NINETEENTH CENTURY DIALOGUE.
45=I'VE GONE WHERE THE HAND OF MAN HAS NEVER SET FOOT.
46=I WAS ALWAYS AN INDEPENDENT, EVEN WHEN I HAD PARTNERS.
47=ANY MAN WHO GOES TO A PSYCHIATRIST OUGHT TO HAVE HIS HEAD EXAMINED.
48=GENTLEMEN, INCLUDE ME OUT.
49=GIVE ME A SMART IDIOT OVER A STUPID GENIUS ANY DAY.
50=WHY CALL HIM JOE? EVERY TOM, DICK, AND HARRY IS CALLED JOE.
51=YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE THE BULL BY THE TEETH.
52=I READ PART OF IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH.
53=I LOVE THE GROUND I WALK ON.
54=I WANT TO MAKE A PICTURE ABOUT THE RUSSIAN SECRET POLICE, THE GOP.
55=YOU WRITE WITH GREAT WARMTH AND CHARMTH.
56=I RAN INTO GEORGE KAUFMAN LAST NIGHT. HE WAS AT MY HOUSE FOR DINNER.
57=I CAN'T MAKE IT, BUT I HOPE YOU'LL GIVE ME A RAINCOAT.
58=I'M GOING OUT FOR SOME TEA AND TRUMPETS.
59=GO AHEAD, BUT MAKE COPIES OF THEM FIRST. [HIS REPLY WHEN HIS SECRETARY ASKED IF SHE COULD DESTROY SOME OLD FILES.]
60=TO HELL WITH COST, PAY HIM WHAT HE WANTS. [WHEN TOLD A DIRECTOR WAS TOO CAUSTIC.]
61=HE'S LIVING BEYOND HIS MEANS, BUT HE CAN AFFORD IT.
62=YOU ARE PARTLY ONE HUNDRED PERCENT RIGHT.
63=I NEVER PUT ON A PAIR OF SHOES UNTIL I'VE WORN THEM FOR FIVE YEARS.
64=FRANCES HAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL HANDS IN THE WORLD, AND SOMEDAY I'M GOING TO MAKE A BUST OF THEM.
65=DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO THE CRITICS, DON'T EVEN IGNORE THEM.
66=IF I COULD DROP DEAD RIGHT NOW I WOULD BE THE HAPPIEST MAN ALIVE.
67=YOU DON'T REALIZE WHAT LIFE'S ALL ABOUT UNTIL YOU HAVE FOUND YOURSELF LYING ON THE BRINK OF A GREAT ABCESS.
68=GET SOME MORE FROM THE RESERVOIR. [SUPPOSEDLY SAID AFTER BEING TOLD THE MOVIE NEEDED MORE INDIANS.]
69=I'VE JUST RETURN FROM 10 DROWNING STREET, SO I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. [REFERRING TO THE PRIME MINISTER'S RESIDENCE AT 10 DOWNING STREET.]
70=EVEN IF THEY HAD IT IN THE STREETS, I WOULDN'T GO. [DISCUSSING THE MARDI GRAS]
71=SEX WILL OUTLIVE US ALL.
72=IT'S MORE THAN MAGNIFICENT. IT'S MEDIOCRE!
73=THAT FELLOW IS A CROOK. HIS WORD ISN'T WORTH THE PAPER IT'S WRITTEN ON.
74=I'LL BE RIGHT THERE AND THEN WE'LL GET INTO A CUDDLE.
75=WE'VE GOT TO GET SOME NEW BLOOD AROUND HERE. I WANT TO SIGN UP A YOUNG WRITER, TALENTED BUT COMPLETELY UNKNOWN. [SOMEONE SUGGESTS JOHN PATRICK.] NEVER HEARD OF HIM. WHO ELSE CAN YOU COME UP WITH.
76=QUESTION: "YOU SAY YOU'VE NEVER MADE A PICTURE BEFORE?" SAM: "YES, BUT THAT IS OUR STRONGEST WEAK POINT."
77=I WANT YOU TO COHABIT WITH ME. [MEANT COLLABORATE]
78=A MEDIUM THAT HAS RAISED WRITING TO A NEW LOW. [REFERRING TO TELEVISION]
79=WHY SHOULD PEOPLE GO OUT AND PAY TO SEE BAD FILMS WHEN THEY CAN STAY HOME AND SEE BAD TELEVISION FOR NOTHING?
80=IN TWO WORDS: IM POSSIBLE
81=THAT MAKES ME SO SORE IT GETS MY DANDRUFF UP.
82=A SELF-MADE MAN MAY PREFER A SELF-MADE NAME. -- JUDGE LEARNED HAND, ON ALLOWING SAMUEL GOLDFISH TO CHANGE HIS NAME TO SAMUEL GOLDWYN
83=THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN ACTING IS HONESTY. ONCE YOU'VE LEARNED TO FAKE IT, YOU'RE IN.
84=WE'RE LIKE FRIENDS, WE'RE LIKE BROTHERS. WE LOVE EACH OTHER. WE'D DO ANYTHING FOR EACH OTHER. WE'D EVEN CUT EACH OTHER'S THROATS.
85=I NEVER THOUGHT I'D LIVE TO SEE THE DAY. [HIS DYING WORDS, COINED BY CLIFTON FADIMAN]
86=GOD MAKES STARS. I JUST PRODUCE THEM.
87=PICTURES ARE FOR ENTERTAINMENT. MESSAGES SHOULD BE DELIVERED BY WESTERN UNION.
88=THE REASON SO MANY PEOPLE SHOWED UP AT HIS FUNERAL WAS BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO MAKE SURE HE WAS DEAD.
89=ACTOR: "I'M ASKING FIFTEEN HUNDRED A WEEK." SAM: "YOU'RE NOT ASKING FIFTEEN HUNDRED A WEEK. YOUR ASKING TWELVE HUNDRED A WEEK, AND I'M GIVING YOU A THOUSAND."
90=I DON'T WANT ANY YES-MEN AROUND ME. I WANT EVERYONE TO TELL ME THE TRUTH, EVEN IF IT COSTS THEM THEIR JOBS.
91=NOBODY CAN CHANGE NIGHT INTO DAY, OR VICE VERSA, WITHOUT ASKING ME FIRST!
92=HE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS. [AN ASIDE TO HIS WIFE AFTER CALLING SOMEONE VERY LATE AT NIGHT.]
93=I AM WILLING TO ADMIT THAT I MAY NOT ALWAYS BE RIGHT, BUT I AM NEVER WRONG.
94=WHO DID THIS TO ME? -- RESPONDING TO BETTE DAVIS' SCREEN TEST.
95=DOES ANYBODY IN HERE KNOW WHAT THE HELL THAT WOMAN WAS TALKING ABOUT? -- AFTER A DISCUSSION WITH DOROTHY PARKER
96=YOU SEE THAT? YOU JUST DID IT AGAIN. WISECRACKS! I TOLD YOU THERE'S NO MONEY IN WISECRACKS. PEOPLE WANT A HAPPY ENDING.
97="MEN DON'T MAKE PASSES AT GIRLS WEARING EYEGLASSES." THAT'S A GREAT POEM. -- MISQUOTING DOROTHY PARKER
98=COME GRACE THIS LOTUS-LADEN SHORE, / THIS ISLE OF DO-WHAT'S-DONE-BEFORE. / COME CURB THE NEW AND WATCH THE OLD WIN / OUT WHERE THE STREETS ARE PAVED WITH GOLDWYN. -- DOROTHY PARKER
99=I'M VERY SORRY, BUT I RAN LIKE A FIRE HYDRANT. [APOLOGIZING FOR BEING LATE]
100=WHAT DO YOU MEAN STRANGER? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU. [RESPONDING TO A GREETING OF "HOWDY, STRANGER."]
