Law of Regressive Achievement: Last year's was always better.
Berra's Second Law: Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.
The Dumb Luck Rule: You can always hit what you don't aim at.
Maryann's Law: You can always find what you're not looking for.
Rule of Political Promises: Truth varies.
The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to raise your taxes.
Parson's Law of Passports: No one is as ugly as their passport photo.
Parks' Law of Taxes: What goes up, stays up.
The Pitfalls of Genius: No boss will keep an employee who is right all the time.
Schrimpton's Law of Teenage Opportunity: When opportunity knocks, you've got headphones on.
Thom's Law of Marital Bliss: The length of the marriage is inversely proportional to the cost of the wedding.
Everyone wants to be noticed, but no one wants to be watched.
Where there's a will, there's a won't.
No one listens until you make a mistake.
Always hire a rich attorney, never buy from a rich salesman.
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrong.
If it's good, they discontinue it.
Matilda's Sub-Committee Law: If you leave the room, you're elected.
Law of Life's Highway: If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Canada Bill's Motto: A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.
Young's Law: All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
When the plane you're on is late, the plane you are transferring to is on time.
No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would.
Laws of Postal Delivery: Important mail arrives late. Junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
When a politician gets an idea, he usually gets it wrong.
Mrs. Weiler's Law: Anything is edible if it's chopped finely enough.
Nature sides with the hidden flaw.
Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
Firestone's Law of Forecasting: Chicken Little only has to be right once.
Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will.
Murphy's Corollary: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Murphy's Corollary: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Murphy's Constant: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law: Everything goes wrong all at once.
O'Toole's Commentary: Murphy was an optimist.
Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Gumperson's Law: The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
Rudin's Law: In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.
Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics: You can't win. You can't break even. You can't quit.
Ehrman's Commentary: Things will get worse before they will get better ... who said things would get better?
Commoner's Second Law of Ecology: Nothing ever goes away.
Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving Systems Dynamics: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a bigger can.
Non-Reciprocal Law of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.
You never find a lost article until you replace it.
If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: I.Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: II. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: III. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: IV. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: V. Any program will expand to fill available memory.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: VI. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.
Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it - get a bigger hammer.
Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.
Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
Peer's Law: The solution to the problem changes the problem.
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
You can lead a man to slaughter, but you can't make him think.
Carson's Law: It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
The Golden Rule: He who has the gold, makes the rules.
Mark's mark: Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.
Maugham's Thought: Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
Harver's Law: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
Schmidt's Observation: All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person.
Fools rush in where fools have been before.
Inside every small problem is a large problem struggling to get out.
The first Myth of Management: It exists.
Wiker's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.
Vique's Law: A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
The Whispered Rule: People will believe anything if you whisper it.
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.
Grossman's Misquote: Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.
Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Conway's Law: In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
Stewart's Law of Retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Handy Guide to Modern Science: 1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology; 2. If it stinks, it's chemistry; 3. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
The Sausage Principle: People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.
Forgive and remember.
Woltman's Law: Never program and drink beer at the same time.
Goldwyn's Law of Contracts. A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Pournelle's Law of Costs and Schedules: Everything costs more and takes longer.
Design flaws travel in groups.
Gerrold's Law: A little ignorance can go a long way.
Gerrold's Pronouncement: The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.
An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. - H. L. Mencken
Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sure sign he expects to be paid for it. - H. L. Menchen
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. - H. L. Menchen
Adultery is the application of democracy to love. - H. L. Menchen
Murphy's Military Laws: 2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
Murphy's Military Laws: 3. Friendly fire ain't.
Murphy's Military Laws: 4. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
Murphy's Military Laws: 5. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
Murphy's Military Laws: 8. Incoming fire has the right of way.
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
Kohn's Corollary: Two wrongs are only the beginning.
If it works DON'T FIX IT!!!! - MURPHY
The light at the end of the tunnel will be an on-coming train - MURPHY
I never loved another person the way I loved myself. - MAE WEST
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. - SIGMUND FREUD
It is a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night. - WILLIE SUTTON
The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs. - KARL MARX
If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of it ... it would have been much better. - KARL MARX'S MOTHER
If two wrongs dont make a right, try a third - RICHARD M NIXON
You cant underestimate the power of fear. - TRICIA NIXON
Justice is incidental to law and order. - J EDGAR HOOVER
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. - GROUCHO MARX
We are what we pretend to be. - KURT VONNEGUT, JR
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. - OSCAR WILDE
I could prove God statistically. - GEORGE GALLUP
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible. - ALBERT EINSTEIN
I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from you. - ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. - ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. - ALAN COULT
Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too. - RICHARD M NIXON
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. - DWIGHT D EISENHOWER
"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isnt, it aint. Thats logic." - LEWIS CARROLL
It takes a long time to understand nothing. - EDWARD DAHLBERG
To know the world one must construct it. - CESARE PAVESE
If A equals success, then the formula is: [ A= X + Y + Z ] where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. - ALBERT EINSTEIN
The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems. - ROGER LEVIAN
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance. - CONFUCIUS
I used to be indecisive; now Im not sure.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
" 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability" - George Bernard Shaw -
Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful,we can organize them into a committee... that will do them in.
Ketterling's Law: Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
"The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion" - George Washington
"We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately" - Benjamin Franklin
"Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried" - Thomas Jefferson
"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself" - Camus
"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick!" - Bill Kirchenbaum, comedian
"To err is human, to compute divine. Trust your computer but not its programmer" - Morris Kingston
"I've seen many politicians paralysed in the legs as myself, but I've seen more of them who were paralysed in the head" - George Wallace
"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money" - Everett Dirksen
"I like a man who grins when he fights." - Winston Churchill
"There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true." - Winston Churchill
"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick himself up and carry on..." - Winston Churchill
"Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die" - John W. Campbell
"That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest" - Thoreau
Life is not one thing after another.... it's the same damn thing over and over!
The meek will inherit the Earth..... The rest of us will go to the stars.
After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.
Beauty is only skin deep, but Ugly goes straight to the bone.
Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you.... Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
"Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking what no one else has thought." - Albert Szent-Gyorgi
"Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals" - "Oh, Lucky Man"
"Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbour." - Toynbee -
"We have met the enemy and he is us" - Walt Kelly (in POGO)
"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity." - Oscar Wilde
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." - Voltaire
"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them" - Heisenberg
"It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling to get adapted to my kind of fooling" - R. Frost
"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!" - Ben Jonson
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Never eat anything bigger than your head. - B. Kliban
"I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all outta bubblegum." - Roddy Piper in "They Live"
Riddle: Q: How do you stop a clown from laughing? A: Hit him in the face with an axe.
"Now the world has gone to bed; Darkness won't engulf my head; I can see by infrared; How I hate the night" - Marvin the Paranoid Android
Proverb: Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside-down.
Proverb: Sticking face in fruit drink is good way to get punch in the nose
Don't lose your head; To gain a minute; You need your head; Your brains are in it. - BURMA SHAVE
Space is big; Space is dark; It's hard to find; A place to park. - BURMA SHAVE
When two English men meet, their talk is of the weather - Samual Johnson.
Little by little the sky was darkened by the mixing dust, and the wind felt over the earth, loosened the dust and carried it away - Jon Steinbeck.
I prefer the company of peasants because they have not been educated sufficiently to reason incorrectly. - Montaigne.
Teaching is not a lost art, but regard for it is a lost tradition." - Jacques Barzun.
The Peter Principle : In a hierarchy individuals tend to rise to their levels of incompetence. - Dr Laurence J. Peter.
To make crime unprofitable, let the government run it. - Irene Peter.
The first my client knew of the accident was when it occurred. - A lawyer defending his client.
Crime will be committed as long as criminals aren't. - Bill Dana.
"It certainly has proved a bed of nails, and Sir James feels that it is time for a clean sheet." - David Davies, BBC.
"It was a terrible challenge. He had his legs decapitated." - Colin Gibson, BBC Radio Derby.
"As I say, if we score more points than them we'll win." - Kenny Daglish, Radio 5.
You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. - Al Capone.
Nothing is easier than spending public money. It does not belong to anybody. The temptation is overwhelming to bestow it on somebody. - Calvin Coolidge.
Peter's Business Principle : If you do something wrong you're fined, if you do something right you're taxed. - Dr. L J Peter.
"Ring around the roses; coronary thrombosis; Seizure, seizure; All fall down." - A Bard.
"It is not enough that we should succeed, but our friends must fail as well." - La Rochefoucauld.
"It is the inherent right of the Government to lie to save itself." - Assistant Secretary of defence Arthur D. Sylvester.
"The Viet Cong will just peter out" - General Maxwell D Taylor, October 1966.
Albert Einstein would "never amount to very much" - Munich Technical Institute, 1898.
"Amiga Computing is my favourite computer magazine" - Sir Walter Raleigh
