ARM Club 3/TheARMClub_PDCD3.iso/hensa/astronomy/b050_1/!PGG/PGG/HelpData

Text File | 1993-06-06 | 367KB | 7,288 lines

%$
The Project Galactic Guide

Welcome!
What is the Project Galactic Guide but an offering of help from those
pigheaded enough to think they know more than everyone else!
The PGG contains information colated from guide researchers from
as far apart as Australia, Russia, America, and Watford.
Here is a selection of articles from the first three archive
held at vela.acs.oakland.edu
They have been preprocessed by a half useless proglet of mine
and then edited by hand to make them look less horrible.

You can list the articles
            by <Index>  (for browsing looking at a topic)
  or           by <Title> (for finding an article by name)
    or            by <Author>
       or            by <Date> (for finding recent articles)

But you'd better read my <Warning> first.
(For information on submissions please read
     < Article Writing Guide For Field Researchers And Guide Editors=> 1R00>
     and contact me if you have no access to email!
)


%1R00
Title:    Article Writing Guide For Field Researchers And Guide Editors
Author:   Paul Jason Clegg  ([e-mail])
Written:  01/05/1993
Content:  Real
Summary:  Formatting information for writing Guide articles.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

              Project Galactic Guide Guidelines & Rule-thingies

        Completely Revised & Expanded by Paul Clegg, January 2nd, 1993
                          Steve Baker helped, too!



                      ----- Part Zero : Preface -----

Upon reviewing several articles that managed their way into the
Guide's archives, an action precipitated by a combination of
sheer boredom and having just finished reading "Mostly Harmless,"
I've come to notice that many of the article in the current archives
fall short of perfection on several counts, not the least being
several grammatic and spelling errors, but more importantly a general
discontinuity of ideas.

The original plan for PGG was that it was to be entirely factual, based
on real things.  Due to popular demand, however, we elected to include
both completely fictional and not-so-completely fictional works as well.
By doing so, we have greatly increased the number of articles we receive,
although I think there are more fictional and not-so-completely fictional
articles as there are completely real articles.

And even then, some of the completely real articles aren't as completely
real as they had seemed at first glance.

The problem I first wanted to address was the referencing of fictional
ideas within "real" articles.  If an article is to be designated as
completely real, then, gosh-darn-it, everything in it should be
completely real.  As an example of what shouldn't have gotten into
what has already been done, refer to the article "Bluffers Guides, The",
where it refers to a "Jagulon-Beta".  There is no Jagulon-Beta, and it
should not have gotten its way into a "real" article.  Likewise, there
are several "semi-real" articles that aren't fake enough to even qualify
as "semi-real" (example:  Melbourne, Australia), and some that probably
should be real with a little concentrated editing (example:  Infinity;
just drop the quotes from Adams, change the reference to "PGGBs" (which
should've been spelled out anyway), and you've got something that qualifies
as a "real" article).

So the real trick now is to come up with some hard-core, definitive,
but general pointers as to what should be real, semi-real, and unreal.
There are also some things that need to be cleaned up in the realm of
article titles, summaries, cross-references, and indexes.  Hopefully
I'll be able to address them all.



               ----- Part One : Article Categorization -----
                 (or, "Is It Real, Semi-Real, or UnReal?")

Project Galactic Guide categorizes its information into one of
three groups:  Real, Unreal, and Semi-Real.  The purpose of this
is to allow people to discern between articles that are real
(and possibly actually useful) and articles that are primarily
for entertainment value only.  Let's deal with them in a few steps:

      Real.  A Real article is an article that is written about a
        real thing, person, place, occurence, what have you.  Everything
        about the article is real.  All the words are real words
        (exception:  you can use "hoopy" as much as you want), all the
        people are real people, and all the places are real places.  If
        the article is mere speculation, it's still real, so long as it
        doesn't definitively break any of the rules previously stated.
        But it should be real.

      UnReal.  An UnReal article is an article that is written
        exclusively to be a piece of fiction.  It can use references to
        real things as much as it'd like; it's still UnReal.  UnReal
        articles are just articles that people might get a good chuckle
        out of.

      Semi-Real.  Now it gets tough.  What exactly constitutes a
        Semi-Real article? Articles that get the designation "Semi-Real"
        should contain PRIMARILY Real stuff, and include only sparse
        references to UnReal stuff.  A Semi-Real article should have
        some useful information within it, even though it's clouded with
        entertaining tidbits of fiction.

When you, as a field researcher, begin to write an article, have a good
think about what KIND of article you plan on writing, and do it BEFORE
you write it.  While a good, satirical UnReal article may be funny, and
fun to write, the best, and by far most useful, article is a Real article.

Things written by Douglas Adams are NOT real (well, most of it isn't,
anyway). Don't use references to "the Great Prophet Zarquon" if you're
writing a Real article; that automatically changes the category to
"Semi-Real".  This also brings up another point that needs to be discussed
later on: the use of quotes.



                  ----- Part Two : The Article Format -----
                      (or, "What The %-Thingies Mean")

As of January 2, 1993, the current format for the "header" of
an article is as follows:

  %t Title
  %n Identification Number
  %s Summary
  %a Author
  %d Date
  %x Cross References
  %i Indexes
  %e Entry Start
  This is a sample entry.
  %e Entry End

  %t Title:
        The title should be no longer than 76 characters.  In fact, if
        you have a title that is anywhere near 76 characters, you
        probably came up with a really bad title.  The title of an
        article is NOT the same as a movie or book title.  The title of
        an article should be similar to the name of an encyclopedia
        entry.  As a result, a title should not be, "Paul Clegg, The
        Hoopiest Frood In All Of Creation", it should be "Clegg, Paul
        Jason".  Names of people should be written in last, first middle
        fashion. Places should be expanded all the way out to the
        planet.  If you're writing about a city, then your title should
        be "City, State (if applicable), Country, Planet".  We have to
        think ahead here.  Avoid using "The" as the first word of the
        article; if it's necessary, append it to the end of the title,
        such as "Earth's Crust, The" as opposed to "The Earth's Crust".
        An article's title IS like a movie or book in that the first
        letters of ALL the words are capitalized.  For simplicity, do
        NOT make exceptions for the small words.

  %n Identification Number:
        The ID number of an article contains information on three
        different things:  First and foremost, it contains the flag
        detailing the "reality" of the article; this letter is either R
        for Real, U for UnReal, or S for Semi-Real.  This letter MUST be
        supplied by the author of the article.  The decimal number
        before the letter is the number of the editor who edits the
        article.  As an example, editor number 1 is me, Paul Clegg.  The
        number that comes after the letter is the number of the article
        is the number of articles of that reality type that particular
        editor has edited.  For example, I have edited articles numbered
        1R1, 1S1, and 1U1.  Which were the first Real, Semi-Real, and
        Unreal articles I ever edited.  1R7 was the seventh real article
        that I edited, and so on.  Field researchers do NOT need editor
        ID numbers; these numbers are only used so that we can figure
        out which editor missed what typos and then scream at them for
        being so stupid.  (BTW:  We can always use new editors!)

  %s Summary:
        The Summary line of an article should be short and sweet, and
        just a little more informative than the title.  If you feel the
        urge to use a subtitle, this is where it should go.  To continue
        the previous example, the summary for "Clegg, Paul Jason" might
        be "The Hoopiest Frood in all of Creation".  A summary should
        be, at maximum, 76 characters long, and should NOT be more than
        one sentence.  A good guideline would be that if your summary is
        longer than your article, switch them.

  %a Author:
        This is where you, the field researcher, gets the spotlight.
        You get to put your name (use your real name, please), and your
        e-mail address (if you have one).  The format should be straight
        first-middle-last, followed by TWO spaces, and then enclose your
        e-mail address in normal parenthesis.  My name appears on my
        articles as:

        Paul Jason Clegg  ([e-mail])

  %d Date:
        This is the date on which you wrote the article.  The format
        for the date is yyyymmdd, expanding on single digits with
        leading zeros.  A correct date is 19730728 (July 28th, 1973).
        The reason for this is quite simple:  You can easily tell if an
        article was written after another by comparing the two dates in
        this format.  The one with the larger number was written last.
        [Note for discussion:  Perhaps we ought to change this to the
        date that it was accepted into the archives?]

  %x Cross References:
        You can have as many LEGAL cross references as you want in your
        article.  Each should be on a separate line containing its own
        %x marker.  Each line should contain the TITLE of an ACTUAL
        ENTRY, copied character for character out of the Guide.  As a
        field researcher, don't feel pressured into adding cross
        references, as the editors should add as many cross references
        as necessary.  In deciding on which EXISTING articles should be
        cross referenced, read your article, and think to yourself, "Now
        that I've read this, what would I want to know in more or less
        detail?".  If you write an article about about a place on Earth,
        then make sure one of your cross references is to "Earth".

  %i Indexes:
        Indexes are what your title might otherwise be known by.  Short
        forms of the title should NOT be included if the characters
        match up on a one-for-one basis starting at the beginning.
        Thus, if the article title is "New York City, New York, United
        States of America, Earth", then "New York City" and "New York"
        are NOT good indexes, though "Hellhole" would be (just kiddin'
        people).  You are free to use as many indexes as you'd like, in
        the same manner as cross references; one index to a line, each
        one beginning with the &i marker.

  %e Entry Markers:
        These indicate the beginning and ends of the actual text of the
        article.  One marker is put on an otherwise blank line just
        before and immediately after the first and last lines of the
        article.  Consult the Project Galactic Guide Text Formatting
        Guide for details on writing the body of the article.



                 ----- Part Three : Article Content -----
                      (or, "The Good Stuff Inside")

        What should go into an article is, in the case of Real
        articles, substantial information written with a witty style,
        or, in the case of Semi-Real and UnReal articles, somewhat less
        substantial information written with a witty style.  While it is
        encouraged a LOT, witty style is NOT required; if you don't
        think you're very witty, don't be discouraged; write a normal
        article and submit it; besides entertainment, the point of the
        project is to culminate all sorts of information.

        Don't quote Douglas Adams left and right.  I'm currently
        awaiting feedback from Mr. Adams himself on the legality of the
        whole project as it is.  If you must quote him, use a footnote
        to designate which book, page number, and his name; this applies
        to any books or sources you might quote from.  If you're not
        sure about it, ask an editor BEFORE you try sending in your
        article.

        Articles don't have to be long!  We want information, and lots
        of it.  If you don't have the time or urge to write a long and
        involved article about something, don't!  You can always update
        your own article (or someone else's) later on.



        ----- Part Four : Field Researcher / Editor Relationship -----
                     (or, "Your Editor is Your Friend")

        When you've completed your article, you e-mail it or send a
        hardcopy to an editor (one of your choice, even!).  A list of
        editors and their addresses may be found at the end of this
        document.  The standard procedure is (or should be) this:

        1.  Editor receives article.
        2.  Editor reads article and decides if it's really worth
              putting in the archives (usually is).
        3.  Editor edits article for spelling mistakes, grammatical
              errors, and other problems.
        4.  Editor sends an edited copy of the article BACK to the
              author to make sure they didn't alter its true meaning or
              purpose.
        5.  If the author is satisfied, they contact the editor and tell
              them to put the article in the archives.
        6.  If the author is NOT satisfied, the author makes some more
              changes and the whole thing goes back to step 1.

        The editors are NOT held responsible for any informational
        errors in the articles they process; the truth to an article is
        the sole responsibility of the field researcher who wrote it.



                    ----- Part Five : Conclusion -----
                  (or, "Wake Up Guys, It's Almost Over")

That's about it.



                   ----- Part Six : Editor's List -----

Editor Number 1:
----------------
  Paul Jason Clegg
  Send Electronic Mail to:  [e-mail]  ONLY between September
                                                 1st and May 1st.
  Send Hardcopy Mail to:
          Paul Clegg                    Paul Clegg
          1795 Washington Avenue        1003 Buck, RPI
          Vineland, NJ                  Troy, NY
          08360                         12180-3590
          (All year)                    (Sept 1st through May 1st)

  Voice Call:  [phone] (All year)  [phone] (Sept 1st
                                                          through May 1st)

Editor Number 2:
----------------
  Steven William Baker ("Steve", or "Texas Bob," is preferred)
  Send Electronic Mail to:  [e-mail]
  Available Year-Round at the above Email address


Editor Number 3:
----------------
  Michael Bravo
  Send Electronic Mail to:  [e-mail]
  Send Hardcopy Mail to:
          189810 Russia
          Zelenogorsk
          Privokzalnaya ul., 7-61
          Bravo M.E.

  Michael is the Russian editor; please only send articles written in
    Russian to him.



Newly Revised and Updated Formatting Standard for Project Galactic Guide
Revised 19930420 by Paul Clegg, with lots of information supplied by
Stephane Lussier,  Tobias B. Koehler, and everyone on alt.galactic-guide.

Introduction:
-------------

The point of all this is to have a very, very extensive reference for
programmers and editors to create and maintain the data archives for
Project Galactic Guide.  The reason this extensive formatting design
is necessary is because the Guide will be (and already has been) ported
to various computer architectures, and not all computers use the same
character sets, or can handle the same type of information.  In particular,
the Unix systems that most of us use can only handle 7-bit ASCII for
mailings, news posts, etc, so we are constrained to use the worst
possible character set for our data.

This does not mean that we cannot represent alternate character sets.
This was the primary reason for updating the design into an extremely
complex standard in the first place.  The purpose has since expanded
to include various text effects, margin control, etc, that is or might
be needed to properly portray specific articles.

This text here should not intimidate field researchers in any way.
Articles will be accepted in raw ASCII format, hand-written hardcopy,
or even in text printed with a word processor package.  The editors
would like to encourage field researchers to use the following
standard, to lighten their workload, but the hierarchy here does not
at all require field researchers to use this format for their
submissions.

With that aside, I now cast you into the world of 7-bit data
representations...

Special Characters:
-------------------

This section details all the special characters that might be used in
any given article.  Accompanying the name of the character is the
code, 7-bit replacement (if there is no better replacement in any
given character set), and numerical codes for several popular
character sets.  Most of the information contained within this section
has been derived from Tobias B. Koehler's posting to alt.galactic-guide.

Definitions of accents:
-----------------------

breve accent:  \_/ (above letter)
acute accent:   /  (above letter)
grave accent:   \  (above letter)
circumflex:    /\  (above letter)
hacek accent:  \/  (above letter)
tilde:          ~  (above letter)
two dots:      ..  (above letter)
ring:           o  (above letter)
two acute acc: //  (above letter)
dot:            .  (above letter)
cedilla:       _)  (under letter)
ogonek hook:   (_  (under letter)

Special letters:  Eth and Thorn are special Icelandic characters.  The
uppercase Eth looks like a slashed D, the lowercase eth looks like a
horizontally flipped 6 with a slash.  The uppercase Thorn looks like
the upper half of a b combined with the lower half of a p.  The long s
looks like the f without the horizontal bar; the sharp s is a ligature
of a long s and a normal s.  Both are German thingies.

code:  Textual code
-----  ------------
repl:  7-bit replace to be used if character not available
EC:    TeX Extended Computer Modern character set code
ISO:   ISO 8859/1 (Amiga, Windows) character set code
850:   IBM codepage 850 (MS-DOS, OS/2) character set code

Most important:  To represent a backslash (which is normally an escape
character to denote a special character or effect) use a double backslash:
\\ inserts a single \ character.

code |repl|description                       |position     |
     |    |                                  |EC |ISO |850 |
------------------------------------------------------------
\ch``  "   Eng dbl left/Ger dbl right quote   16  147
\ch''  "   English double right quote         17  148
\ch,,  "   German double left quote           18  132
\ch\<\<  "   French double left quote           19  171  174
\ch>>  "   French double right quote          20  187  175
\ch \<  `   French single left quote           14  139
\ch >  '   French single right quote          15  152

\ch--  --  long dash (as opposed to hyphen)   22  151  196
\ch r  d   degree sign                         6  176  248
\ch$$  $   paragraph or section sign         159  167  245
\%o   o/oo promille sign                    37+24 137
\chOC (C)  copyright sign                         169  184
\chOR (R)  registered trademark sign              174  169
\ch=L  L   pound sterling sign               191  163  156

\chuA  A   A with breve accent               128
\ch;A  A   A with ogonek hook                129
\ch`A  A   A with grave accent               192  192  183
\ch'A  A   A with acute accent               193  193  181
\ch^A  A   A with circumflex                 194  194  182
\ch~A  A   A with tilde                      195  195  199
\ch"A  Ae  A with two dots                   196  196  142
\chrA  Aa  A with ring (ala Angstrom)        197  197  143
\chAE  AE  AE ligature                       198  198  146
\chua  a   a with breve accent               160
\ch;a  a   a with ogonek hook                161
\ch`a  a   a with grave accent               224  224  133
\ch'a  a   a with acute accent               225  225  160
\ch^a  a   a with circumflex                 226  226  131
\ch~a  a   a with tilde                      227  227  198
\ch"a  a   a with two dots                   228  228  132
\chra  aa  a with ring                       229  229  134
\chae  ae  ae ligature                       230  230  145

\ch'C  C   C with acute accent               130
\chvC  C   C with hacek accent               131
\ch,C  C   C with cedilla                    199  199  128
\ch'c  c   c with acute accent               162
\chvc  c   c with hacek accent               163
\ch,c  c   c with cedilla                    231  231  135

\chvD  D   D with hacek accent               132
\ch-D  D   slashed D or Eth          (\chEt) 208  208  209
\ch-d  d   slashed d                         158
\chet      eth                       (\chet) 240  240  208

\chvE  E   E with hacek accent               133
\ch;E  E   E with ogonek hook                134
\ch`E  E   E with grave accent               200  200  212
\ch'E  E   E with acute accent               201  201  144
\ch^E  E   E with circumflex                 202  202  210
\ch"E  E   E with two dots                   203  203  211
\chve  e   e with hacek accent               165
\ch;e  e   e with ogonek hook                166
\ch`e  e   e with grave accent               232  234  138
\ch'e  e   e with acute accent               233  234  130
\ch^e  e   e with circumflex                 234  234  136
\ch"e  e   e with two dots                   235  235  137

\chuG  G   G with breve accent               135
\chug  g   g with greve accent               167

\ch.I  I   I with dot                        157
\ch`I  I   I with grave accent               204  204  222
\ch'I  I   I with acute accent               205  205  161
\ch^I  I   I with circumflex                 206  206  215
\ch"I  I   I with two dots                   207  207  216
\ch i  i   dotless i                          25       213
\ch`i  i   i with grave accent               236  236  141
\ch'i  i   i with acute accent               237  237  161
\ch^i  i   i with circumflex                 238  238  140
\ch"i  i   i with two dots                   239  239  139

\ch j  j   dotless j                          26

\ch'L  L   L with acute accent                27
\ch-L  L   slashed L                         138
\ch'l  l   l with acute accent               168
\ch-l  l   slashed l                         169

\ch'N  N   N with acute accent               139
\chvN  N   N with hacek accent               140
\chNJ  Nj  NJ ligature                       141
\ch~N  N   N with tilde                      209  209  165
\ch'n  n   n with acute accent               170
\chvn  n   n with hacek accent               171
\chnj  nj  nj ligature                       173
\ch~n  n   n with tilde                      241  241  164

\chhO  Oe  O with two acute accents          142
\ch`O  O   O with grave accent               210  210  227
\ch'O  O   O with acute accent               211  211  224
\ch^O  O   O with circumflex                 212  212  226
\ch~O  O   O with tilde                      213  213  229
\chOE  OE  OE ligature                       215  140
\ch/O  Oe  slashed O                         216  216  157
\chho  oe  o with two acute accents          174
\ch`o  o   o with grave accent               242  242  149
\ch'o  o   o with acute accent               243  243  162
\ch^o  o   o with circumflex                 244  244  147
\ch~o  o   o with tilde                      245  245  228
\choe  oe  oe ligature                       247  156
\ch/o  oe  slashed o                         248  248  155

\ch'R  R   R with acute accent               143
\chvR  R   R with hacek accent               144
\ch'r  r   r with acute accent               175
\chvr  r   r with hacek accent               176

\ch'S  S   S with acute accent               145
\chvS  S   S with hacek accent               146  138
\ch,S  S   S with cedilla                    147
\ch's  s   s with acute accent               177
\chvs  s   s with hacek accent               178  154
\ch,s  s   s with cedilla                    179
\chss  ss  sharp s                           255  223  225
\chls  s   long s

\chvT  T   T with hacek accent               148
\ch,T  T   T with cedilla                    149
\chTh      Thorn                             222 222 232
\ch,t  t   t with cedilla                    181
\chth      thorn                             254 254 231

\chhU  UE  U with two acute accents          150
\chrU  U   U with ring                       151
\ch`U  U   U with grave accent               217 217 235
\ch'U  U   U with acute accent               218 218 233
\ch^U  U   U with circumflex                 219 219 234
\ch"U  Ue  U with two dots                   220 220 154
\ch.U  U   U with dot
\chhu  ue  u with two acute accents          182
\chru  u   u with ring                       183
\ch`u  u   u with grave accent               249 249 151
\ch'u  u   u with acute accent               250 250 163
\ch^u  u   u with circumflex                 251 251 150
\ch"u  ue  u with two dots                   252 252 129
\ch.u  u   u with dot

\ch"Y  Y   Y with two dots                   152
\ch'Y  Y   Y with acute accent               221 221 237
\ch"y  y   y with two dots                   184     152
\ch'y  y   y with acute accent               253 253 236

\ch'Z  Z   Z with acute accent               153
\chvZ  Z   Z with hacek accent               154
\ch.Z  Z   Z with dot                        155
\ch'z  z   z with acute accent               185
\chvz  z   z with hacek accent               186
\ch.z  z   z with dot                        187

NOTE:  The following information was mostly picked out of one of Stephane
Lussier's numerous informative posts.  The following are REALLY special
characters that are usually only used in special circumstances, such as
mathematical texts.  I do not have the resources to research the characters
in the various character sets, so in this case, the character code is
followed by the 7-bit ASCII representation and a short explanation.

Greek Characters:
-----------------

code |repl|description
\Galp   a  lower case alpha
\GALP   A  upper case alpha
\Gbet   b  lowercase beta
\GBET   B  uppercase beta
\Ggam   g  lowercase gamma
\GGAM   G  uppercase gamma
\Gdel   d  lowercase delta
\GDEL   D  uppercase delta
\Geps   e  lowercase epsilon
\GEPS   E  uppercase epsilon
\Gzet   z  lowercase zeta
\GZET   Z  uppercase zeta
\Geta   h  lowercase eta
\GETA   H  uppercase eta
\Gthe   o  lowercase theta
\GTHE   O  uppercase theta
\Giot   i  lowercase iota
\GIOT   I  uppercase iota
\Gkap   k  lowercase kappa
\GKAP   K  uppercase kappa
\Glam   l  lowercase lambda
\GLAM   L  uppercase lambda
\G*mu   m  lowercase mu
\G*MU   M  uppercase mu
\G*nu   n  lowercase nu
\G*NU   N  uppercase nu
\G*xi   x  lowercase xi
\G*XI   X  uppercase xi
\Gomi   o  lowercase omicron
\GOMI   O  uppercase omicron
\G*pi   pi lowercase pi
\G*PI   PI uppercase pi
\Grho   p  lowercase rho
\GRHO   P  uppercase rho
\Gsig   s  lowercase sigma
\GSIG   S  uppercase sigma
\Gtau   t  lowercase tau
\GTAU   T  uppercase tau
\Gups   u  lowercase upsilon
\GUPS   U  uppercase upsilon
\Gphi   o  lowercase phi
\GPHI   O  uppercase phi
\Gchi   x  lowercase chi
\GCHI   X  uppercase chi
\Gpsi   y  lowercase psi
\GPSI   Y  uppercase psi
\Gome   w  lowercase omega
\GOME   W  uppercase omega

Note:  Some 7-bit representations have been duplicated.  From a programming
standpoint, it's probably preferred to actually replace the symbol with its
full name (sans upper/lowercase), since the 7-bit letters don't fully
coincide with the real characters too much.

Mathematical Characters:
------------------------

code |repl|description
\M**8  oo  infinity
\M*+-  +-  plus over minus
\MNOT  -   negation character (horizontal bar w/ short vertical bar on left)
\M*lv  V   logic: OR
\M(+) (+)  logic: XOR (Exclusive OR)
\M(/)  0   empty set notation
\M*|^  v   logic: NOR (down arrow type of thing)
\M--> -->  implication
\M-/> -/-> "does not imply"
\M\<-- \<--  implication
\M\</- \<-/- "does not imply"
\M\<-> \<--> double implication
\M\</> \<-/-> "there is no double implication"
\M==> ==>  implication
\M=/> =/=> "does not imply"
\M\<== \<==  implication
\M\</= \<=/= "does not imply"
\M\<=> \<==> equivalence
\M\</> \<=/=> "there is no equivalence"
\M*-=  =   congruence (three horizontal bars)
\M/-=  !=  not congruent
\M*/=  !=  not equal (slashed equal sign)
\M**~  ~   is equivalent to
\M*~-  ~-  isomorphism (tilde over single bar)
\M*~~  ~=  approximately equals (two stacked wavy lines)
\M*~=  =   wavy line over equal sign
\M*)(      asymptotal (upcurve over downcurve)
\M*||  ||  two parallel lines
\M*rA      upturned A, "for all"
\M*rE      reversed E, "there exists"
\M/rE      slashed reversed E, "there does not exist"
\M*.:      three dots in triangle, "therefore"
\M**U  U   union
\M*rU      intersection (overturned U)
\M**E      "is an element of"
\M*/E      "is not an element of"
\M**C  C   "is a subset of"
\M*/C  !C  "is not a subset of"
\M**X  X   Cartesian product sign
\M**|  |   Full vertical bar for absolute values, etc.
\M*/|  !|  Does not divide (vertical bar w/ slash)
\M**o  o   Composition (small circle)
\M**.  *   Product (small point)
\M**>      Derivable, right pointing hollow triangle
\M**\<      Normal subgroup notation, left pointing hollow triangle
\M**%      Division sign (circle over and below horizontal line)
\M*>=  >=  Greater than or equal to
\M/>= !>=  Not greater than or equal to
\M*\<=  \<=  Less than or equal to
\M/\<= !\<=  Not less than or equal to
\Mint      Integration sign
\Mont      Integration sign with small circle on it
\M**'  '   Prime
\M**"  "   Double prime
\M*'"  '"  Triple prime (etc. up to \M""", sextuple prime)

Formatting Effects:
-------------------

The following sections include various special text effects and devices to
allow various platforms to display various things in special formats.  Since
monospaced ASCII has been shown to not work very well, particularly with
varying display widths, it is impossible to relegate text formatting to the
ASCII dump.  Many of the ideas within this section have been taken straight
from Stephane Lussier's post(s), though everyone's posts have influenced the
end result you see here.

Text Effects:
-------------

Text effects are things such as bold, italic, superscript, subscript,
underline, and other visual effects that may be applied to text to make
it more visually appealing, clear, and informative.

All format controls are denoted by a backslash, a code (usually four
letters), and a left curly brace ("{").  These sections are terminated by a
right curly brace ("}").  The text to be that should have the given effect
should be inside the two curly braces.  Because there may easily be a reason
to have a right curly brace in the text, a right curly brace is denoted as
\}, to indicate that it is not part of the text coding.  There is no reason
for an alternate marker for left curly braces.

Bold:  \bold{ \<text> }
Italic:  \ital{ \<text> }
Underlined:  \undl{ \<text> }
Double Underlined:  \dund{ \<text> }
Subdued:  \subd{ \<text> }
Flashing:  \flsh{ \<text> }
Subscript:  \subs{ \<text> }
Superscript:  \sups{ \<text> }

Effects primarily used in mathematics:
--------------------------------------

Overlined:  \ovrl{ \<text> }
Right Arrow Over Expression (vector):  \raro{ \<text> }
Left Arrow Over Expression:  \laro{ \<text> }
Hat Over Expression: \mhat{ \<text> } Note:  \<text> here must be a single
     character.

NOTE:  Very intricate mathematical formatting instructions may eventually
be included in this standard, but they are not being included in this
version.  For programmers writing code, assume that if you come across
the \MATH{ \<text> } escape code sequence, ignore it all.  This will allow
reader programs written to this format to be able to handle the only major
expansion to this format that I forsee in the future, or at least not barf
if it comes across an article with the expanded math features.

Standard Structure:
-------------------

The body of every article is organized into sections.  For instance, should
this become an entry, this paragraph is considered a section.  A table would
have to be used for the character codes above, and that would be another
section.  In this case even the subtitles (such as "Standard Structure:")
would be separate sections.  Whether or not sections should be separated
by blank lines is optional, and may be left to a user-defined option, or
programmer's choice; the ruling is not made here.

Text formatting codes (such as underline, etc. as listed above) should be
reset to default in between sections.  If a text style is to be continued
into the next section, the proper codes must be re-applied within the
section's curly braces.

Paragraphs:
-----------

The type of section that should be most common would be the standard
paragraph.  A paragraph is denoted by \para{ followed by all the text that
should go into that paragraph.  The paragraph must be terminated by an
ending }.  Escape codes are allowed in paragraphs provided they are not
section codes.  You cannot embed paragraphs inside other paragraphs, nor
can you embed matrices, lists, etc. within paragraphs.  An example paragraph:

\para{This is an example paragraph.  Other than the initial escape code, and
the ending curly brace, and any required escape codes within this text, this
text should be completely \bold{ASCII}.  For electronic mail transmission
purposes, the length of a line should not be more than 78 characters in
width, and lines of less than 76 characters is appreciated.  Because the end
of a paragraph is only when a \} is found, the reader programs can wrap text
on their own, and so the EOL can be relatively ignored.  Do \bold{NOT}
hyphenate words.}

Individual Lines:
-----------------

Often individual lines are wanted or required, particularly for things such
as subsection headers, and so on.  An individual line is still considered
a section, and as such should leave a blank line after it.  However single
lines are much more flexible than paragraphs in most respects, and there are
actually several types of individual lines that may be employed in an
article.

Justification:  Single lines may be justified in any one of three ways:
left, right, and center.  The codes for this are, respectively, \jstl{ },
\jstr{ }, and \cntr{ }.

Preformat:  A single line may be dictated as being preformatted, or absolute,
where the reader should accept the text as being formatted for an 75 column
display and should not try to "play" with the text involved.  This is
included only for those rare problems, and should not be used if at all
possible.  The escape code is \PREF{ \<text> }.  Textual effects may still
be applied to the text contained in a preformatted line, but spacing should
not be toyed with by the reader program.

Special Effects:  A single line allows us some freedom in other ways, too.
Inserting a \. into a single line inserts a line feed, such that the text
should drop to the same column, but the next row.  This may be accomplished
almost as easily, if not more easily, by simply using several preformat
commands.

Internal Passages:
------------------

Long quotes should be given special cases, being different from a standard
paragraph.  Text enclosed in the \quot{} formatting code should be treated
as a normal paragraph, but it should be indented on both sides when
displayed.  For an 80 column text screen, a five space indent on both sides
is suggested.

Lists:
------

Lists are obviously used for lists of information, which may of any number
of things.  The list command, however, also works for outline designs, which
is basically a specialized list design.  There are several types of lists,
and all of them may be nested within each other, with the one exception of
the military notation list (see below).  In any case, an element in a list
should be offset from the left margin by some number of characters; for an
80 column display, the suggested indent space is 10 characters.  Text that
wraps around a display should be indented so as to line up with the first
character of the actual text, and not just with the first digit of the
element identifier.  Sublists, or lists embedded in other lists, should
be indented again.  For all lists, the list type is used only to determine
the type of list.  Each element in the list must be contained in a \item{}
field.

Arabic Number List:  This is your basic list, with elements numbered 1, 2,
3, etc.  The escape code for this type of list is \LSAx { ... }, where
x is the character that follows the number (see below).

Lowercase Letter List:  This uses the alphabet to denote its elements.  The
first element will be marked with by "a", the next by "b", etc.  There
may NOT be more than 26 elements in a letter list.  The escape code is
\LSlx { ... }.

Uppercase Letter List:  Exactly like the \LSlx { ... } list type, but
using uppercase letters instead.  The escape code is \LSLx { ... }, and
it too is restricted to 26 or fewer elements.

Lowercase Roman List:  Uses lowercase Roman numerals, i, ii, iii, iv, etc.
The escape code is \LSrx { ... }.

Uppercase Roman List:  Uses uppercase Roman numeral, I, II, III, IV, etc.
The escape code is \LSRx { ... }.

No Identifier List:  This does not use any number or character to
differentiate between elements.  The escape code is \LS_x { ... }, which
allows the author to still use special characters listed below to mark
elements.

Military Notation List:  This is a tricky one.  Only Military Notation
Lists may be nested within Military Notation Lists.  The identifying
numbers are in Arabic numerals (ie. decimal), but also show the hierarchy
of the list itself.  The reader program must run through the list and
determine how deep the sublists embedded in the list go, as each number
must be expanded to show this.  Thus, if you have a list that has a sublist
inside it, and that sublist has yet another sublist, the numbers must
expanded to three places, so the very first element would be 1.0.0, the
second element would be 2.0.0, etc., but the sublist off the first element
would have 1.1.0 for the first element.  The first element off the first
sublist of the first sublist would be 1.1.1.  If sublists nested in a list
five deep, the very first number would be 1.0.0.0.0, but if they nested
only two deep, the first number would be 1.0.  The escape code for this
type of list is \LSMN { ... }.

Separator Characters:  With the exception of the Military Notation List,
all the lists have one space in their command for a single character.
This character must be chosen off the following list:

.  Uses a period after the list identifier.
,  Uses a comma after the list identifier.
:  Uses a colon after the list identifier.
-  Uses a dash after the list identifier.
)  Uses a right parenthesis after the list identifier
_  Puts nothing after the list identifier.
>  Puts an arrow after the list identifier.

Matrices:
---------

There have been several suggestions for matrices, but I have yet to figure
out yet how exactly to implement them.  A matrix will be given the escape
code \MTRX { ... }, so until a matrix standard is produced, ignore the
matrices.

Conclusion:
-----------

This is the first Really Big Galactic Guide Format in the Guide's history.
Undoubtedly, there are many problems with what I've put together here, and
I've almost certainly left things out.  But that's what revisions are all
about.  With this standard, however, the use of escape codes allows for
future expansion very easily, and any revisions will most likely not be
of such a large scale.  I want to take this time here to thank everyone
who actually put more than thirty seconds of thought into this project,
and especially everyone who stuck with the project from the very beginning.
And a really big hand to all the programmers who've created Guide readers,
cuz they're really going to be pissed when they try to program for this
monstrosity!

...Paul



%1R01
Title:    Earth
Author:   Paul Jason Clegg  ([e-mail])
Written:  19/03/1992
Content:  Real
Summary:  A Really Hoopy Place To Live These Days...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Earth (also known by smart asses as Terra) is an incredibly hoopy place
to be, if for no other reason than because we don't know of any other place
to be.  Although many people have suggested going into outer space, and
living there, more people have complained about everything that would entail,
such as the longer commute to work or school, atrophied limbs in near-zero
gravity, cramped quarters among spacecraft, horrible in-flight food and
movies, and, of course, the amazingly large cost of sending a person
anywhere outside the Earth.

The fact that we haven't left the Earth for any amount of time really hasn't
upset anyone, though, since Earth is the only place where one can find a
considerable number of video game machines, nice beaches, jobs, and members
of the opposite sex.  It is also the home of that wholly remarkable book, The
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and its four sequels, all written by a
certain human named Douglas Adams, and was, in fact, the sole inspiration for
another wholly remarkable creation, Project Galactic Guide, the result of
which you are now perusing.

For some truly outstanding figures about the planet Earth, you may wish to
consult a recently published world almanac, which will give very interesting
tidbits of information about the Earth, such as it's size (approximately
24,900 miles around, with a surface area of 196,938,800 square miles), its
moons (one, commonly called The Moon, but many smart asses call it Luna), and
other things like the fact that Julia Child was born in Pasadena, California,
on August 15th, 1912, and that, in 1987, the tallest building in Des Moines,
Iowa, was the Ruan Center, which stood at an entirely uncollosal 457 feet
tall.

The Earth is the only place we know of to date that has intelligent life
living on it.  This could, of course, be because of some global government
cover-up (very likely), truth (least likely), or just because many people
seem to be very troubled about the idea that there might be other creatures
in outer space, and particularly that those creatures are probably more
intelligent and evolved than they are (more likely than the cover-up idea,
which was very likely, and thus is probably true).

The Earth is the third planet is the Sol star system, although the
inhabitants are more likely to call Sol, their sun, The Sun, most likely
because very few people have figured out exactly how to pronounce "Sol", but
even more likely because they rarely talk about other suns, except as stars.

The Earth rotates on an axis at an angle, and orbits Sol in an elliptical
orbit, the result of which is that the inhabitants feel different seasons,
where, depending on their exact location, the average temperature will dip or
rise, and various department stores will hold something called "Sales Events"
as a form of acknowledgement to the passage of time.  The Earth rotates on
its axis once every 24 hours, and spends 365.25 sets of 24 hours (each set is
called a day) in orbit, before reaching its original point, which isn't
wholly true, as it is well known that the entire Sol star system is moving
through space at an uncomfortable velocity, so uncomfortable that most people
tend not to think about it, and, as a result, are not usually affected by it.

And to dismay any contrary opinion, to human conception, the Earth is indeed
spheroidal, though not a perfect sphere in and of itself.  Why this is is not
important to most hitchhikers, however, and is left to brainy types, who have
nothing better to do than to calculate the dimensions of our planet.

If you have any more questions, consult almost every other part of the Guide,
or ask the nearest human, as they'll most likely know a little bit about the
Earth (unless you're somewhere other than the Earth, in which case, if you do
in fact find a human, they will be less likely able to tell you about the
Earth).

%1R02
Title:    Massachusetts Institute Of Technology
Author:   Daniel Robert Risacher
Written:  23/01/1992
Content:  Real
Summary:  Mostly Nerds
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

On February 10, 1865 William Barton Rogers opened the doors to the
Massachusetts Institute of Technology for the first time.  The door then fell
down, since the workmen who were building MIT hadn't attached the hinges yet,
and the official opening of the school was rescheduled for February 20, ten
days later.  This noble institution had been in construction for four years
prior to that point, ever since it received its charter in 1861.  This
charter is not available for public viewing, since it is reputed to state
that the actual purpose for building the Institute is:

       "...to torture young men who think they are smarter than
        everybody else..."

Regardless of whether this is true, today, the university does not torture
merely young men, but a few young women as well.  MIT is commonly regarded as
the finest technical institute in America.  This is blatantly untrue, since
that title is more rightly claimed by Cal Tech, but MIT ranks pretty well.

The best parties to be found at MIT are usually thrown by the undergraduate
dormitories.  Unfortunately, these mega-parties are usually once-a-year
affairs, and therefore are rather scarce.  The best chance that a hitchhiker
has of finding a good party on a Friday or Saturday night is to cross the
river via the Harvard Bridge and wander around until one hears a fraternity
party and go there.  This will work (Trust us).

The quickest way for males to find a willing female at MIT is to go to a
fraternity party and pretend that he belongs to that fraternity.  This works,
despite the fact that MIT has a 3:1 male/female student ratio, because the
fraternities will invite females to their parties from any or all of the many
small women's colleges in Boston.  The women who accept these invitations
usually have an unhealthy attraction to MIT "frat guys", and have been known
to throw themselves at these "potentially rich" with less shame than
professional streetwalkers.

The best way for a female to find a willing male at MIT is to go to a
dormitory and hit on any of the rather desperate males that she will find
there.  Frequently these males will go to exorbitant lengths to please any
female who shows interest in them, since probably no one has ever done that
before.  This is not necessarily their fault, but rather a by-product of 3:1.

The overall problem with finding dates at MIT is that almost all of the
people who attend MIT are, to put it mildly, nerds.  The student body, as a
whole, thinks that quantum mechanics, relativity, isometric propagation of
spectral waveguides, and similar nonsense are ideal topics of conversation.

If a hitchhiker just wants to catch a movie, the (LSC) Lecture Series
Committee shows real full length movies twice a night on weekends for a
$1.50 fee.  These are usually good, popular movies which have been at the
theaters for a while.

As far as finding food, do not attempt to eat at a student cafeteria.  Not
that the food is bad at the cafeterias, rather, the food is fairly good, but
it is too expensive for Donald Trump, not to mention a hitchhiker.  Instead,
walk along either Main St, or Massachusetts Av, until you find a restaurant
which suits you.  Unless you are very picky, this will not be difficult,
since there are more restaurants on these two streets than in the rest of
the known world.

If a hitchhiker wants a tour of the less common hangouts at MIT, he/she is
advised to go to the Student Center (across Mass Ave from the Little Dome) go
to the 24-hour CoffeeHouse (third floor) and hang out there around midnight
on Saturday night.  There, the hitchhiker can meet lots of people who call
themselves "hackers".  Hackers of this kind do not play with computers in
their spare time, as is usually implied by the term "hacker", but rather,
they spend their spare time walking around on roofs, crawling around in
tunnels, picking locks, and generally going places that the administration
does not want anyone to go.  This is their idea of "fun".  If any of these
things sound fun to you, do not miss the Saturday-night CoffeeHouse tours.

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ATTEMPT TO ENROLL AS A STUDENT AT MIT.  MIT is
the most expensive university in America, and although it has some good
points which are fun to visit, it is not a whole lot of fun to attend.  As an
example of this, it is claimed that the President of MIT once said,

     "Sometimes I feel like the warden of a Maximum Security Prison."

If you are highly masochistic, and either rich or on full scholarship, you
may wish to consider MIT for your education. Do so at your own risk.

%1R03
Title:    Rio De Janeiro, Brazil, Earth
Author:   Geraldo Xexeo  ([e-mail])
Written:  23/01/1992
Content:  Real
Summary:  Human Beings, Surfers, and Samba Dancers
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rio de Janeiro, a.k.a. Rio, a Brazilian city in the Southeast coast of the
country, has been known as one of the most beautiful cities on Earth.
Meanwhile, one should note that the concept of a city is a bit bigger in Rio
than in other nice small cities, like Rome or Paris.  Rio has 5.6 million
inhabitants in the city and around 10 million inhabitants in the wide region
around it.  Many people from Sao Paulo, Mexico City, and Tokyo used to say
Rio is a very nice little town to expend the weekend.

In Rio you can do a thousand different things, but most people do only two:
go to the beach and drink beer, not necessarily in any order.  Beer is served
cold, the beach is served 40 degrees centigrade HOT.

There are some main reasons you should not miss the beach, among them are
astonishingly beautiful bodies all around you (both male and female).
Cariocas girls, as people from Rio are called, used to wear short bikinis,
and no one is able to differ them from topless or nudist bathing suits,
although they don't have official topless or nude beaches in Rio.

Carnival is a must.  During four days the city is turned upside-down and
rightside-left.  Sometime inside-out also, due to excess of an alcoholic
beverage called Batida.  Batidas taste like fruit juice (select your flavor),
but go to your head like an atomic bomb.  Euthanasia is not allowed in
Brazil, so it is highly suggested that you DON'T drink too many Batidas.

Typical food is Feijoada (Black beans and Pork meat) and Churrasco (Barbecue,
done with big chunks of meat).  Churrasco can be digested in special places
where you pay to enter and call an ambulance to deliver you home.  Eating
Churrasco and drinking Caipirinha seems to be a local sport [KIDS: don't try
this at home].  Doing it at the beach (mid-day, 42 C) is a local suicide
technique.

Soccer fans will find Maracana, the biggest stadium in the world, in this
city.  It holds 200,000 spectators, plus 22 players and 3 arbiters.  Flag
colors divide spectators and players into two teams. Players usually play
soccer, while spectators develop boxing, judo, karate, and survival skills.
The police control spectator violence by applying correctional measures,
also called "police brutality" by local political groups.

The largest statue of Jesus Christ in the world can also be found in this
city.  By coincidence, it is also the highest, since it is on the top of a
mountain (Corcovado).  There are two ways to the statue, a difficult way and
a very difficult way.  The difficult way is a vertical climb on the south
side of the mountain.  The very difficult way are the tourists stair on the
west side, full of tourist shops, guides, and the most dangerous tourist
group mobs, multi-faced animals known to move by bus and hunt for food during
the day.

Local music is Samba.  If you think Lambada is connected with sin, you
haven't seen a Samba dancer.  Samba is designed to be danced with full
clothing: a small bra and an even smaller bikini.  Samba has other
variations, one of them specially created to help heart-broken people to
decide against suicide.  If you think "Sunshine On My Shoulders" is sad and
you cried seeing "Kramer vs. Kramer", you should listen to Maisa or Nelson
Goncalves records.  Psychological assistance is a good measure on these
experiences.

Cariocas speak Portuguese, Spanichuese, Englichuese and Frenchuese.  Some of
them speak a Bronx dialect called SmithandWessonese, composed of 4 words:
give, me, your, and money.  Rio is a very large city, with some prejudice
against people wearing shorts with flowers, t-shirts with flowers, gold
jewelry and a using camcorders.  These people, which usually call themselves
tourists, have the local denomination of "fool", "idiot", or "duck".  Just
ignore it.

Prices go from VERY CHEAP to MOST EXPENSIVE IN THE WORLD, depending on if you
want a cheese sandwich, or an apartment on Vieira Souto Avenue, in front of
Ipanema Beach, where the prices are higher than New York's 5th Avenue or
Champs-Elysee.

Weather is hot in spring, very hot in summer, hot in autumn, and quite hot in
winter.  Rains are in the end of March.  Temperature goes from 20 to 42 C,
20 C is usually considered "damned cold" by the locals.  The city is wet.
80% humidity is ok for Cariocas.  Better if it's higher.

Cariocas are like the weather, plain hot.  You should not take a honeymoon in
Rio unless you robbed a bank in the last 3 weeks before your marriage.  Rio
is a place to find people.  "You don't bring a sandwich to a banquet" is a
common saying there.

Drugs are not allowed, but you can find most popular cigarette brands,
Coca-Colas, and McDonalds around.  Popcorn dealers can be found in every
school door, and ice cream is a necessity very well supplied by international
and local companies.

Local currency is the Cruzeiro (Cr$).  It's worth around $0.001 US and going
down.  Even if the US dollar is going down, the Cruzeiro goes faster.
Actually, it goes down faster than any other currency known, including
Monopoly money.

The city is divided into different "zones".  South zone is *cool*, and
includes world-renown Copacabana and Ipanema.  North zone is not so cool
alone, but can be cool with a local guide (particularly with a 22 year-old,
1.8m, dark haired, perfectly built member of the preferred sex), but you can
get a taxi and go to a Samba school with no other dangers than a headache in
the next morning.  West zone can vary from dead to cool, just find a local
guide.  West zone requires a car, South and North zones are ok with buses
(though a bit dangerous at dark) and taxis.

Required equipment:  Mirrorshades, bathing suit.
Best time to go:  Carnival (40 days before Easter, 4 days or more duration)
Best time to leave:  Just after recovering from Carnival, usually 100+ days
                     after Easter.
You should try:  Local food, Fruit Juice Shops, local people, Ipanema Beach
You should avoid:  tourists, Tijuca, people from Sao Paulo, work

%1R04
Title:    New Orleans, Louisiana, USA, Earth
Author:   Brian K. Dore'  ([e-mail])
Written:  17/01/1992
Content:  Real
Summary:  Guide To New Orleans
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you follow the path of the mighty Mississippi River all the way from it's
source in the Northern United States, down it's twisty and meandering bends
through the heart of the country, to its forked mouth dumping millions of
gallons of muddy water into the Gulf of Mexico, you would probably be quite
disappointed.  Except for a few dirty brown pelicans and the remains of a
beautiful swamp cut into little bitty pieces by an overzealous petrochemical
company, there isn't much to see.  You would probably, without a second
thought, backtrack your way up the river, round the final few bends, and find
a place to have a drink in the city of New Orleans.

If you don't like to drink, dance, eat, or listen to music, you might
continue on your way back up to the source of the river.  In fact, if you
don't like to drink, dance, eat, or listen to music it is doubtful that you
will ever chance to venture out along the river in any case.

While there are many interesting sights throughout this old and historic
city, there are plenty of tour and travel books available to show you
around.  For now we will just concentrate on the important part of the
city, the places to go to have FUN.

Where to Stay:

The absolute best place to sleep in New Orleans is in your van.  Your old,
scratched, well beat up, nicely inconspicuous van.  This solves any problems
you may have finding your way to a motel at 4 am.  It is also quite a bit
cheaper than any of the motels in New Orleans, even if you have to buy the
van, and a new set of tires for it the next day.  Some people with money
stay in hotels within the city.  This writer neither has money, or knows
any of these people, so we will simply drop the idea all together.  People
with enough money to stay downtown can afford one of those slick travel
books with a picture of something on the cover that you will probably never
see in the city to which the book is said to relate to.

Somewhere between the airport and the French Quarter is a city called
Metarie.  The only redeeming quality of this city other than being close
enough to New Orleans to make it the perfect place to pull over to get a
quick bite, take a leak, or puke on the way home is the abundance of cheap
motels.  You will find, however, that after being in New Orleans, cheap is
a relative term.  My personal favorite is the Peacock Plaza Inn.

The Peacock Plaza Inn is noted as being a good compromise between price,
cleanliness, and safety.  It is also known for being across the street from a
topless bar (The Downs) and free porno movies.  Based on this author's
experience, a six pack and free pornos is better than a trip to The Downs,
but then some people like paying five bucks for a seven ounce beer and having
ugly women beg them for money.

The Landmark is a bit nicer, a bit more expensive, but has a bar at the top
overlooking the city which is kind of neat.  Both of these places are quite
visible from the interstate, and should be quite easy to find.  Since finding
things is part of the fun, no street addresses will be given.  The fact that
I have no idea what streets they are on has absolutely no influence over this
decision.

The French Quarter:

Saying that there are no other interesting parts to such an old and historic
city would quickly get you lynched by a mob of angry New Orleans Saints fans
who are quite easily upset.  The fact that these people return year after
year to cheer for a team who has never won a playoff game in their 25 year
history may give you some idea of what kind of sick individuals inhabit the
city.  Unless you happen to have to live there however, you probably
shouldn't waste your time seeing the rest of the city.

When in the quarter you may be invited to bet money on various things.  While
an intelligent person will rarely lose more than three or four dollars on a
visit to persistent persons, three or four dollars WILL buy you a good drink
at Pat O'Briens.

Q: I'll bet you a dollar I can tell you where you got your shoes.
A: (On your feet, on the street, in the City of New Orleans)

Don't bother with the shell game or picking the queen out of three cards.
Give a buck or two to the scummy guy with the box guitar playing American
Pie instead.

Decatur Street Brewpub.  A great place to start, while you can still
appreciate what a good beer tastes like, and a nice bar looks like.  They
serve four great homebrewed beers here.  This is a block down, and across
the street from the Hard Rock Cafe, which, as everybody already knows, is
simply a franchised tourist trap.  Decatur Street is also a great place to
park your van.  The lot across the street from the 'Bulls Corner Saloon'
is quite nice.  The Bulls Corner is about a block away from the Hard Rock,
and a great place to relieve yourself once you arrive to park, when you
return to the van to drop off anything you may have purchased, and when you
get ready to pass out for the day.

Since this entry is already WAY too long, and telling you much more might
spoil your trip, I end this entry with a few bits of advice.

          1) Pat O'Briens is not to be missed.  Look stupid and ask should
             you not be able to locate it for some reason.  By all means
             visit the Piano Bar, even if you have to stand in line.  You
             may want to do this later rather than sooner for the simple
             reason is that you will probably not want to, or more probably
             not be able to, leave.

          2) Any place on Bourbon Street that offers sex, nudity, etc. on a
             sign over the entrance is not worth the trouble.  Any place
             where you find an alleyway that is barely wide enough to squeeze
             into without signs probably is worth the trouble.

          3) If you wander around, you will inevitably find yourself smack in
             the middle of a place that things are obviously not all that
             they seem.  Don't panic, don't stay any longer than possible,
             and don't answer "yes" to anyone or anything that asks something
             of you while there.  Just trust me on this one.

%1R05
Title:    Car Talk
Author:   Loren Haarsma  ([e-mail])
Written:  30/01/1992
Content:  Real
Summary:  National Public Radio hits a new peak in interactive silliness.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Today, General Motors recalled 25 thousand new cars.  They don't know what's
wrong with them, but they do say that they recall them." (-Dennis Miller)

In today's society, owning a car is a necessity.  (Unless you happen to be
poor, in which case it is just one of many necessities which become luxuries
you can't afford.)  So what do you do when your automobile stops working, or
begins to make funny noises indicating that it will very soon stop working at
a particularly inconvenient moment.  There are two options.

First, you can take it to a mechanic.  This option immediately poses
problems too obvious and too numerous to list.

Second, you can try to fix it yourself.  This option poses many other
problems, among the worst of which are that you will be forced to think and
-- even worse -- to do work.

But there is a way to avoid being impaled on the horns of this dilemma.
Well, actually, it's more a way to forestall being impaled.  OK, it's really
just a way to procrastinate, but you might consider it anyway.  It is this:
Listen to the radio program, _Car Talk_.

_Car Talk_ is a call-in radio program in which the hosts, Click and Clack
the Tappit Brothers, a.k.a.  Tom and Ray Magliatzi, argue with each other,
read letters from fans on the air, interrupt each other, rant and rave about
lawyers, semi-drivers, gas grills, automotive corporate executives, and
whatever else happens to annoy them, promote fictitious charitable causes,
and, occasionally, answer questions which listeners phone in about their
cars.  You will probably never find another show in which the hosts take
such great delight in listening to another person's problems, and then
laughing about them.

Click and Clack are themselves mechanics who own and operate a garage.  And
since -- as they so often point out on their show -- everyone even remotely
associated with the automotive industry is sleazy and not to be trusted, you
should realize that any particular answer they give might be utterly
fictitious and that they only sound like they know what they are talking
about.  In their defense, however, Click and Clack have quite a bit of
experience and have spent a great deal of time and effort perfecting their
trade.  Therefore, they are very good at sounding like they know what they
are talking about.

If you would like to become a regularly listener to _Car Talk_, this is what
you should do:  call or write to all of your local National Public Radio
stations and ask them for a copy of their programming guide.  Once you have
done this, you should probably change your name, address, and telephone
number to avoid being hit by requests for donations every month for the next
ten years.

If none of the public radio stations in your area carry _Car Talk_, you
should tell the programming directors to get in touch with the radio station
WBUR in Boston.  If none of the programming directors WANT to carry
_Car Talk_, there are two methods of argument you can use with them, one of
which is certain to work on any public radio employee anywhere in North
America:
          (1) _Car Talk_ will attract a large and loyal fan club of
              yupwardly-mobile family units who drive Volvos and Infinities
              and contribute to public radio.  Or,
          (2) _Car Talk_ brings back the glorious counter-culture days when
              everyone owned a V.W. and knew how to fix it themselves.

If for some reason you would like to discuss an automotive or other problem
with Click and Clack, you can call 800-323-9287; or you can write to:
Car Talk, WBUR, 630 Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Our Fair City, MA 02215.
(No endorsement expressed or implied, void where prohibited by law.)

%1R06
Title:    Fire
Author:   Elmer Fudd  ([e-mail])
Written:  01/01/1992
Content:  Real
Summary:  Phlogiston Theory Put To The Test
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fire is a thing.  Most people think it's hot.  It is made by an aggregate
accumulation of phlogiston into a specific area.

Please keep in mind that were it not for fire, we would not have fire today.

For most purposes, fire can be reproduced with modern means by pressurized
phlogiston container, called a 'lighter' in mainstream Americana, and it can
be used in a number of useful uses.  For instance, you can burn down a forest
with fire.  So, if you pick one simple day when a forest just happens to get
in your way, you can always pull out your handy modern 'lighter' and burn it
down.  (That'll teach 'em!)  You could always light other people on fire, but
since many of them are not legimitate phlogiston attractors, they will not
always _stay_ on fire, which is presumed the preferred state.

If, for some strange reason, phlogiston theory is wrong, then fire does not
exist.

%1R07
Title:    Bluffer's Guides, The
Author:   Jim Cheetham  ([e-mail])
Written:  02/10/1992
Content:  Real
Summary:  Independent companion volumes to the Guide
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the world today there are many specialist areas of knowledge that
the average hitchhiker is expected to know, especially when the entity
that you are hitching from wants to talk non-stop for seventeen hours,
and then ask your opinion.

Nobody with a brain significantly smaller than a red giant could possibly
absorb so many fields of knowledge, but luckily a hoopy group of towel
carrying froods have come up with an alternative -- Bluffing!

The successful bluffer remembers key facts and sayings, and by careful
application, manages to present the impression of a full-fledged expert.

For example, in Swanley, Greater London, England, you are not a local at
the pub unless you've been there, drinking, every night, for five years.
Obviously it gets difficult to think of new topics of conversation every
night for five years, and a few things get repeated.  Most common is the
subject of cars -- and note that you are not allowed to be a bloke unless
you also know about cars.  Mark Steele, an aspiring local, learnt a few
basic facts about cars and mentioned them, every now and again.  These
facts were:

"Austin Allegro?  All Rust and Aggro, more like!"
"Fiat? You know what that stands for, don't you?  Fix It Again, Tony!"
"Never get a Ford that's been made on a Friday.  All the lads at Dagenham
 go down the pub on a Friday lunchtime, and make all the dodgy ones in the
 afternoon!"
"Chrysler Avenger?  Chassis rots."

After a couple of years, they all thought he was a motor mechanic.

To help the hitchhiker discover all these basic facts and opinions, a series
of small reference works have been produced by the much-underrated
publishing company Ravette Limited, 3 Glenside Estate, Star Road,
Partridge Green, Horsham, Sussex RH13 8RA, England.  In a clever scam to
disguise their works, they are classified as Humor.  If the intrepid
hitchhiker wishes to track these down, and finds that the address above
has moved to another universe (as these things are prone to do, over time)
the ISBN reference of _The Bluffer's Guide to Computers_ is given as
ISBN 0-907830-02-1.

Happy Bluffing in Accountancy, Advertising, Antiques, Architecture,
Astrology, Ballet, Bank Managers, Beliefs, The Body, Cinema, Class,
The Classics, Computers, Consultancy, Defence, Espionage, Feminism,
Gambling, High Society, Jazz, Journalism, Law, Literature, Management,
Marketing, Millionaires, Modern Art, Music, Opera, Philosophy,
Photography, Politics, Property, Public Relations, Publishing, Secret
Societies, Selling, Sex, Skiing, Stockbrokering, Success, Teaching,
Television, Theater, Travel, Wine, World Affairs, The Americans,
The Australians, The British, The French, The Germans, The Japanese,
Amsterdam, Berlin, Hollywood, Hong Kong, Moscow, New York, Paris,
and quite a few more!

%1R08
Title:    Economic Benefits Of Pollution, The
Author:   David Richard Tabb  ([e-mail])
Written:  30/10/1992
Content:  Real
Summary:  Why pollution is necessary in today's economy
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is a well known and unpopular fact that today's modern manufacturing
techniques are the cause of a great deal of pollution.  It is also well
known and unpopular that this pollution is the cause of many illnesses
in the workers at the plants causing said pollution.  What is neither well
known nor popular is the fact that this entire cycle is actually a powerful
economic force without which modern society could not exist.

Let's examine this one step at a time.  (One) An executive builds a factory
knowing that it will cause pollution, much in the same way that cows produce
methane, and (Two) hires people to work there at ridiculously low wages.
(Three) The workers work, as workers are wont to do, and eventually (Five)
become extremely ill and die because they have been (Four) handling very
dangerous and toxic materials like uranium or the stuff inside
Twinkies (tm).  Each worker's death has two (Two) immediate effects:  (Six)
First, a job opening is created at the factory which is (Seven) filled by
someone entering the workforce, thereby (Eight) lowering the unemployment
rate.  (Nine) Second, because of the immutable law of supply and demand,
as the total number of available workers decreases, (Ten) the value of
each worker increases slightly, forcing (Eleven) the executives to raise
the workers' salaries.

As can be seen from this analysis, pollution in and around a factory helps
to stimulate the economy by constantly providing new jobs at a continually
increasing rate of pay, as well as encouraging the circulation of money
within the society by the continual payment of funeral expenses by the
workers' families and the growth of complementary industries such as
earthmoving equipment manufacturers and the general increase in land values
as more and more of it is used as retirement space.  Therefore, it is quite
obvious that if factories were built which caused no pollution, the economy
of the region would collapse.

And why, you had better ask, would the corporate executives go along with
this system which obviously threatens their lives and bank accounts?  It
could be that the executives are compassionate, altruistic individuals who
are willing to accept a little sacrifice, both monetary and environmental,
in order to keep society from economic collapse.  It could be that the
executives went to great trouble and expense designing and building highly
polluting factories just to keep supply and demand balanced so as to save
the workers from the indignity of being underpaid for their labor.

However, it seems more likely that the executives' accountants pointed out
that slight pay increases were still cheaper than stopping the pollution
and that the executives could pay themselves more than they paid anyone
else because they worked in the tops of tall buildings and were therefore
closer to the pollution.  The accountants were so persuasive, in fact, that
all the executives bought big houses in the country to avoid the pollution
and bought their accountants slightly smaller houses as a reward for
extreme cleverness.

%1R09
Title:    Reno, Nevada, USA, Earth
Author:   Scott Mathew Glazer  ([e-mail])
Written:  02/11/1992
Content:  Real
Summary:  Information on the gambling town of Reno, Nevada, USA, Earth
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reno is a city placed in the precise location where the most people should,
in a rational universe, not want to be.  Heartbreakingly close to breath-
taking vistas, glorious mountain lakes, and the majestic peaks of the Sierra
Nevada range, Reno's inhabitants instead grovel in the day-to-day squalor of
a flat, parched, and dust-coated existence catering only to the tourists who
flock to the area for the singularly incomprehensible reason of trading
small green pieces of paper for nothing whatsoever in return.

Legend has it that "Reno" is Chawktaw Indian for "When's the next bus out?"
This is the question all people in Reno should be asking themselves.
Gambling (the aforementioned barter of small bits of green paper) is not as
much fun as the thousands of thalidomide victims wandering listlessly around
the casino floors make it appear.  Be warned that there are no other legally
tolerated forms of recreation aside from gambling in the entire state of
Nevada.  (Although legends of a brave group of renegade volleyball players
do surface with surprising regularity.)

Eating in Reno:  You may be tempted by such offers as "64-oz steak $1.99" or
by the even-more seductive circus-circus buffet, offering an embarrassing
extravaganza of carefully designed, 100% vinyl food and the atmosphere of
your more sub-standard amusement parks all for one low price.  Ignoring the
obvious cholesterol risks and the not-infrequent outbreaks of food-
poisoning, there remains a compelling reason to avoid such eateries.  Known
as "Keno", this variant of lotto is played in all casino restaurants and is
widely regarded as the twelfth most annoying thing in the Universe, the
eleventh being the tendency of the natives of New York City to torture their
friends to death as a greeting ritual.

One additional fact concerning Reno:  It is in a very arid desert.  This in
and of itself would not be so bad, but the sad fact of the matter is that
Reno's residents fail to comprehend their situation and believe instead that
(a) Reno is merely in the midst of some sort of decades-long drought, but
it'll soon be over and then you'll be sorry for saying we shouldn't use so
much water keeping our golf courses in tournament conditions, won't you?,
(b) the stinking trickle of fetid water that slithers past downtown is
actually a "river", and (c) despite the fact that Lake Tahoe has pretty much
been completely drained to provide a last gasp of a water supply, building
big new housing developments is a really keen idea.

%1R10
Title:    Travel Necessities
Author:   Scott Mathew Glazer  ([e-mail])
Written:  16/11/1992
Content:  Real
Summary:  Important items for the budget traveller
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The towel, it has been said, is all the hitchhiker truly needs.  This is
completely false; a hitchhiker, by definition, also must possess the
biological, mechanical, or electromagnetic equivalent of a thumb.  This
myth firmly disproven, we now go on to present other items that are
particularly useful when travelling on a shoestring across the thin crust
of air, dirt, water, and junk clinging to the surface of the planet Earth.

The Pillowcase:  Sleep is required by most of Earth's natives and visitors,
and surveys show the vast majority of these like to have at least a slight
inkling of where anything their head and face stays in prolonged contact
with during a subconscious state has been.  Possessing your own pillowcase
will allow you to wrap it around whatever has been provided for you to place
your head upon, and sleep in relative security and peace.  If you have firm
plans to stay only in accommodations luxurious enough that you need not
question the sanitized state of your sleeping arrangements, I congratulate
you and ask that you please leave some of the excess money clearly weighing
you down so uncomfortably in locker number 147 of whatever train station is
nearest to you at the moment.

Plastic Bags:  Any independent traveller who goes anywhere for any length
of time without a good supply of various sized plastic bags might as well
have forgotten their towel too.  Quite simply, plastic bags weigh nothing,
take up no space, and have more uses than even that 68-blade Swiss Army
knife that's probably dragging down your shorts as we speak.  They hold
food, dirty laundry, wet things, and smelly things.  They organize your bag
or pack and allow things to slip more easily in and out.  (They are, in some
mystical sense, the KY-Jelly of luggage.)  All who you meet on your travels
will beg constantly for one of your plastic bags.  Do not give in to their
snivelling and pathetic pleas!  Spit on them as the dirt they are.

Spoon:  Small, light, and indispensably handy when you really need it, the
spoon can be the budget traveller's best friend.  In short, along with a
can opener, the spoon opens up a whole new section of the grocery store to
you and your ever-starved stomach.  The spoon protects you from those nasty
tongue cuts so many hitchhikers receive from tragic misuse of their
pocket-knives.  Stop the madness; carry a spoon.

The reader may ask, "But can I not purchase these items if and when I find
I actually require them?"  We at the Guide can assure you that this has been
scientifically researched to be impossible approximately 98.76209% of the
time.  The time you spend at home throwing your own Pillowcase, Plastic
Bags, and Spoon into the luggage will be rewarded a millionfold in foreign
environments.

%1R11
Title:    Barenaked Ladies
Author:   Peter Edward Janes  ([e-mail])
Written:  10/09/1992
Content:  Real
Summary:  A musical group or something...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Barenaked Ladies are, to put it succinctly, that is, to state the fact
precisely, properly and pithily, or, to put it another way, in as few words
as possible, in order to provide the reader with as much information in as
short a space and small a time as possible, neither.

The 'Ladies are, in order of no particular, Steven Page, Ed Robertson, Andy
Creeggan, Jim Creeggan, and Tyler Stewart.  They are all from Scarborough,
a suburb of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, Earth.

With songs like "If I Had $1,000,000" (1) and "Be My Yoko Ono" (2), the
'Ladies independent self-named cassette sold 100,000 copies in their home
country.  This gave them the most successful recording in Canadian, and
(unbeknownst to the denizens of the backwater planet on which they reside)
Galactic history.

Their most recent (and first commercial) album, Gordon, sold almost 200,000
copies in its first month of release.  Their promotional tour has been met
with great enthusiasm in Canada; however, success in the large country to
the south has been limited.  A concert in a parking lot on the West Coast
was attended by a child holding a balloon, and a hot-dog vendor.

(1) Something every hitchhiker wishes she/he/it had...

(2) Complete with "Yoko Ono" solo!

%1R13
Title:    Avalon Hill's Diplomacy
Author:   Robert Schone  ([e-mail])
Written:  20/01/1992
Content:  Real
Summary:  The board game of Diplomacy
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Diplomacy is a board game of "International Intrigue," trademarked by
Avalon Hill.  In its introduction it is described as "a relatively
simple game in principle, but complex in execution."  This is very true,
however it is significant that the second half of the statement is truer
than the first.

The first problem you will encounter with Diplomacy is the rules.  These
are split, by Avalon Hill, into fourteen sections.  I split them into two
sections -- the section you will understand on the first reading, and the
section you will have to read 42 times to even begin to understand.
Unfortunately, the first section is approximately 5.5 lines, and the
second section is 11 pages, less 5.5 lines.  Persevere.  Play a sample
game or twenty, until you understand the rules.

The big "thing" with Diplomacy is that there are _no_ elements of
chance.  So the cover of the rules tells us.  "Diplomacy is a game of
skill and cunning negotiations.  Chance plays no part."  The first page
then proceeds to inform you of the first (admittedly only) element of
chance.  But this is what Diplomacy is all about:  lying until you have
to tell the truth.

The "chance" is which power you will play.  Diplomacy (standard
Diplomacy, that is) is played on a European map.  The seven Great Powers
are England, Russia, Turkey, Austria, Italy, France and Germany.
Different people will tell you different things about which powers
are better.  However, take note that there is a reason why the person
who is assigned Italy will look glum for a while.  (Usually until they
are eliminated from the game.)

The board is divided into "provinces."  These can be land, sea, or
coastal.  Each power is made up of five to seven provinces.  This doesn't
matter.  What does matter is how many "supply centers" you own.  A supply
center is a special case province, as it contains a little black dot.
And you get one unit (army or fleet) for every little black dot you own.
Every power starts with 3 little black dots, except Russia, which starts
with 4.  New players often wonder why Russia starts with one extra.  If
they start by playing Russia, as I did, they find out relatively
quickly.

The general gist of the game is to move your armies and fleets around
the board in a bid to control as many little black dots as possible.
Remember that you get one army or fleet for each dot.  If you start
losing them to other players, you start losing your units.  Should,
however, you gain 18, Europe is magically yours.   This leads to an
interesting problem.  To win, you basically have to overpower everyone.
But you cannot do this by yourself.  The solution is to "stab" people.
This is where you start to lose friends.  (Did I forget to mention this
earlier?)

Playing the game actually centers around diplomacy.  Before each move,
you have 15 minutes to talk with the other players, make alliances, and
decide to attack other people.  You then have 5 minutes to write down
your moves.  The trick is to tell someone you are doing one thing, but
actually to do another.  The second trick is to do it at the right time,
causing them the most damage, and giving you the most profit.  The third
trick is to do it to them before they do it to you.  The fourth trick,
and possibly the most difficult, is to make sure they still talk to you
afterwards.

In a nutshell, you can't win the game by yourself, but you can only win
the game by yourself.

Because of this, the primary skill a good Diplomacy player must have is
the ability to lie convincingly.  There is a good reason that there
exists a document entitled "Diplomacy Players' Top Ten Favorite Lies."

There exist over 600 Diplomacy "variants."  These are games which change
either the rules, or the map.  Or both.  There are even variants which
remove the diplomacy from Diplomacy -- you don't know who the other
players are, and you cannot talk to them.  (Naturally, this does not
work very well if you play with friends, but can be implemented well if
you play by mail or e-mail, sending all your moves to a Game Master, who
will process them.)

There are many Diplomacy games being played over the InterNet.  These
are generally played via computer programs that take commands from
players from e-mail.  A good place to start is the UseNet group
rec.games.diplomacy, but if you do want to play, you will probably want
your own copy of the game and rules.

%1R14
Title:    Filks
Author:   Alexander Lachlan McLintock  ([e-mail])
Written:  20/01/1993
Content:  Real
Summary:  I fought the Borg, and the Borg won.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Filks are science fiction folk songs.  Popular myth is that someone mistyped
"folk" at a convention and the word "filk" stood.

A prime example of a filk is the one included below.  This song was posted
on alt.music.filk (or on the FidoNet echo moderated by Kay Shapero).  I
believe that Ellen would approve of this re-publication of her song.

        "I Fought the Borg"
        ===================
        (sung to the tune of "I Fought the Law")
        by Ellen Edgerton

        Met a cube-shaped ship near Deneb 1,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won.

        Had my phaser set on maximum stun,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won.

        Fired all my photons in surprise attack,
        I thought that they were done --
        But they regenerated and kept coming back,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won.

        Went to Warp 9.9 and tried to run,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won.

        Tried to get more power but I had none,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won.

        Tried a suicide dive to scare them away,
        Right into a sun,
        But the bastards got me with a tractor ray,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won.

        Now I'm Locutis and it ain't no fun,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won,
        I fought the Borg and the Borg won.

%1R15
Title:    Imperial College Science Fiction Society
Author:   Alexander Lachlan McLintock  ([e-mail])
Written:  20/01/1993
Content:  Real
Summary:  ICSF
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Imperial College Science Fiction Society is one of the largest social clubs
at Imperial.  Its main function is to store a library of >2500 books.  These
are kept at the "ICSF library" which can be found below Beit Quad, at
basement level, behind a door with a sign saying "beware of the leopard."

This fact is often lost on first year students who totally fail to find this
room, thus failing the second intelligence test of starting college.  The
first is, of course:  "How do I get my library text-books before everyone
else?"

The third intelligence test involves members of the opposite sex.
Unfortunately the ICSF library is particularly unsuitable for such enquiry
as the male to female ratio usually ranges around the 7 to 1 mark.  This is
_slightly_ worse than that of Imperial as a whole.  (Although I am speaking
from the male standpoint I am told that it is just as bad for the female
students.  The general solution is to get a steady boyfriend and make sure
everyone knows about him.)

There is some debate as to whether the third test involves finding the Union
Bar, and purchasing large quantities of alcohol.  This argument is
undecided.  However it is nearby and so rare members of the society can
display prowess in both third tests simultaneously.

Communication with the Committee of ICSF is through various primitive means.
E-mail is frowned upon as no one left in the committee is smart enough to do
a computer degree.  Post to:

          ICSF c/o Imperial College Union,
          Beit Hall,
          Prince Consort Road,
          South Kensington,
          SW7 2BZ
          United Kingdom.

(definition of a committee:
A creature with more than six legs, and no brain -- Lazarus Long)

The society aims at producing at least one one-day convention per year.  It
regularly fails to get much enthusiasm from the general bulk of the members
who have never been to a science fiction convention.

In case you were wondering, Imperial College is a large part of the
University of London.  Its E-mail domain is .ic.ac.uk.  Its not so bad so
long as you choose a course you enjoy.

%1R16
Title:    Real Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The
Author:   Alexander Lachlan McLintock   ([e-mail])
Written:  20/01/1993
Content:  Real
Summary:  Earth Computer Pretends To Be "The Hitchhiker's Guide"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The Real Hitchhikers Guide to The Galaxy" is a computer-based encyclopedia
which runs on David Hodges' ex-Atari.  The entries to this guide have been
written by science fiction fans from all over the world over several years.

The entries are on topics humorous to the Hitchhiker / Dr. Who / Blake's 7 /
science fiction / fantasy / telefantasy fans.  There is no restriction on
entry.  As long as Dave thinks it is half-funny, and he can be bothered to
type it, it goes in.  There are entries on Sex, Towels, Bugblatter Beasts of
Traal, Universities, Exams, and many other topics.

David takes his computer to science fiction conventions on invitation and
traditionally produces a printout of the guide for auction (proceeds go to
the convention charity).  The convention goers can consult the (computer)
guide at their leisure, accompanied by sounds from the tv series.  The
printout is, of course, yours to peruse at your leisure, in bed, in the
bath, during free fall sex, or whatever.

Over 10 printouts exist.  Not bad considering that each one takes around two
days to print, on draft, on a standard micro printer.  There are some 400+
entries, each being a screen of text.  This figure was correct around 1992,
but the guide is growing all the time.

Three printouts that I have heard about have sold for:

          30 pounds sterling -- bought by Imperial Science Fiction Society.
          18 pounds.
          42 pounds and 42 pence -- bought by Massy Harper, also of
            Imperial College.

No electronic copies of the guide are produced as this would result in many
pirated copies, removing the exclusivity of the guide, and invalidating its
usefulness to charity.

Copyright:

The occasional entry quoting material in the Hitchhikers' trilogy has been
allowed by Douglas Adams.  There is a signed statement from DNA saying so
(It is displayed prominently, along with other signatures of famous people
who have read some of the Guide).  The purpose of the Guide is only to raise
money for charity, and NOT to make oodles of money for anyone else.  This
does not mean that the Guide is a version of any of these books/TV/radio
series.  (It isn't.)

Send Mail To:

David Hodges' Guide has, by the way, nothing to do with any Guide currently
on the internet such as those discussed in alt.galactic-guide.  If you wish
to write an entry for the Guide (eg. the one you were about to send to
[e-mail] or [e-mail]), please send it to Dave
at:

          David Hodges
          68 Gotch Rd
          Barton Seagrave
          Kettering
          Northhants
          NN15 6UQ
          United Kingdom

Please note that no copies of this guide are sent out via post.  This would
cost a fortune and be far too much trouble.

By the way, the computer was based on an Atari but has been moved into a
metal travelling case to protect the hard-disks and prototype hardware
donated by Atari.  It has been to Australia and back so it must be pretty
tough.

%1R17
Title:    Telephones
Author:   Dennis Holmes  ([e-mail])
Written:  20/01/1992
Content:  Real
Summary:  Some Advice to Help You Use One Properly
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The telephone system is a remarkable communications network that has been
successfully and properly implemented on most civilized planets except
Earth.  Because of this unfortunate situation, you may find the following
pointers helpful when placing calls to, from, or between locations on Earth.

PLACING A CALL

The first thing you will need to place a telephone call is an area code.  An
area code is a series of random digits assigned to a particular country,
state or province, region, city, street, building, floor, room, telephone,
or point in space.  The best way to obtain an area code is to call the party
you wish to reach and ask them to call you back five minutes ago and tell it
to you.  However, on Earth this is widely regarded as impossible, and so you
may be better off to simply punch one at random and hope for the best.

The next thing you will need is an actual telephone number.  This is,
naturally, a series of random digits assigned to a particular country, state
or province, region, city, street, building, floor, room, telephone, point
in space, or even a person.  After you dial the area code, you should
proceed with dialing the digits of the telephone number.  Order is not
important, as the destination of your call has been decided in advance by
the telephone company's computers.

WRONG NUMBERS

The best thing to do if you dial the wrong number is to rave furiously at
the answering party about how they have their telephone connected
improperly and insist that they contact the telephone company and change
their phone number immediately.  Unless, of course, the answering party is a
member of the telephone company, in which case your best recourse is simply
to quote passages from _The Guide_ at them until they hang up.  Employees of
the telephone company are highly trained by masters in the art of Definitely
Correct Speech, and entering into an argument with one of them would,
besides being completely pointless, require serious psychiatric
rehabilitation to repair the resulting damage to your (a) ego and (b)
perceptions of reality.

BILLING ERRORS

Here is what you should do if you detect an error on your billing statement:
Forget about it.  Simply pay the amount shown in the "Amount Due" box and be
done with the matter.  It is a little-known fact that the methods employed
in producing telephone bills are an offshoot of the science of
Bistromathics, and thus the numbers printed on them are completely
incomprehensible to anyone but (possibly) the telephone company's computers.
Most of the actual meaningful information on the bill is also printed in a
language invented by these same computers, so there is really nothing to be
done about it except to let the computers have their fun.

TROUBLESHOOTING

If your telephone does not work properly, you should immediately purchase a
new one and relocate to another country, state or province, region, city,
street, building, floor, room, or point in space to have it installed by the
telephone company.  Do not attempt to tell them that your telephone does not
work, as they will simply tell you that it does and that will be the end of
it.  Just tell them politely that you need an additional telephone and would
they please come and install it next Tuesday morning.  This is the only
known method of communicating productively with the telephone company.  You
will of course need to be available on Thursday afternoon when they perform
the installation.

EMERGENCIES

Chances are you'll never need this service, but in the event of an
emergency, in most places you can now pick up any telephone and dial 119.
(Again, order is not important.)  You will then be connected with someone
who already knows more about you, your location, and what is going on in the
universe than you could possibly relate verbally before the crisis is over,
so under most circumstances you can simply dial the number and listen to
soothing messages until you die.  You see, these people are so amazingly in
touch with the universe that they will anticipate most crises and either
send help or avert them in advance.  If you actually find yourself in a
crisis with no help in sight, then chances are that nothing can be done
anyhow, so you might as well relax.  On the other hand, if you happen to be
walking along and see an ambulance parked up the street with the engine
running, perhaps you'd best choose another route.

%1R18
Title:    Assembly Language
Author:   Vincent Joseph Shuta  ([e-mail])
Written:  01/12/1993
Content:  Real
Summary:  Fast, efficient, and it does exactly what you tell it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Assembly language programming is one of the most powerful methods of
programming a computer.  It works one step above the level of the computer.
That is, instead of writing a program that says "print this character on the
screen when such and such a condition is met" you write a program that says
"put the number $A6 at address $E510 when the flag at $1023 becomes a one."
Actually, this isn't entirely true.  Which addresses and numbers are
appropriate varies wildly from computer to computer (or, microcontroller
to microcontroller.  The actual semantics of whether to say computer or
microcontroller are just that -- semantics.  Generally, microcontrollers
are used with devices and computers are used for number-crunching).

Assembly programs generally use numbers in base 16, also known as
hexadecimal, due to the fact that the physical structure of most computers
is based on grouping the individual switches in groups of 8.  Thus it is
very easy to go from the switch patterns to the hexadecimal numbers.

The commands are very short, and the computer does exactly what you
tell it.  The advantage to this is that the executables are extremely small
and fast.  To give you an idea of the speed gains, an assembly program will
generally run 2 to 4 times faster than a comparable C/C++ program, and
orders of magnitude faster than many other languages.

One of the disadvantages of assembly is, the computer does exactly what
you tell it.  That is, if you think you're telling it one thing, and you're
actually telling it another, the results are going to be quite different
than what you expect.  Usually, they're dramatically different, and nine
times out of ten they involve an infinite loop somewhere you didn't expect
it.

This brings us to the second disadvantage.  Due to the short and direct
nature of the syntax, debugging your own program can be difficult.  Even
trying to figure out what someone else's program is attempting to do can
take so much time that it's often easier to start from scratch.  And the
slightest mistake will mean the program won't work properly.  Only very
rarely will it even do anything close.  This is simply because of the direct
nature of the commands.  The only way around this is to document the program
far more than one would deem necessary; every line if possible.

Thus assembly language can be considered an extremely fast, powerful,
and efficient language.  But one should be alert for the potential
difficulties assembly language can present.

%1S01
Title:    Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster -- Terran Version
Author:   Lloyd T. Rich  ([e-mail])
Written:  12/05/1990
Content:  Semi-real
Summary:  Gargle Blaster recipe using Terran ingredients
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alcohol - liquor, booze, drinks, grog, moonshine, spirits, whiskey,
Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

During their travels through the galaxy, the galactic hitchhiker will
sometimes find that some item that is desired may be unavailable, so it
will have to be replaced with what is available.  According to the
_Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_, the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is
the best drink in existence.

According to Douglas Adams' _Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy_, it was
invented by the President of the Galaxy (Imperial Galactic Government),
Zaphod Beeblebrox.  Unfortunately, the ingredients for it are not available
on some planets.  This being the case on Planet Earth (Terra), a galactic
hitchhiker known as TimeLoyd endeavored to create one using Terran
ingredients.

With the help of some buckskinners who will drink anything that is in a
jug (at a gathering recreating those of the early 19th Century mountain
men), he created a mixture similar to a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster,
after which, the bottom fell out of the jug.  Note:  Unless you are an
android with an indestructible stomach, liver and digestive system,
handle very very carefully, and be sure to keep it away from fire.  It
has been suggested as a possible spaceship fuel.

To make a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster using Terran ingredients:

Take the liquid contained in a 200ml bottle of EverClear to remind you
that your head will be clear forever if you drink too many Pan Galactic
Gargle Blasters, and that your brain will clear of anything soon after
you start drinking some, if not before.

Into it, slowly pour a 750ml bottle of Bombay Sapphire to remind you
of the marvelous beauty of the old Santraginean seas, or an equal amount
of Jeremiah Weed in acknowledgement of what has happened to the
Santraginean Seas and their lifeforms.

Now add 750ml of Cold Wild Turkey, letting it run into the mixture as we
run through life to remind us of all the lifeforms we meet and experience
while hitchhiking through the galaxy.

Speedily stirring, add 375 ml of Herradua Tequila, mixing it in to
commemorate the galactic hitchhikers who died of pleasure among the
vapors and gasses in the marshes of Fallia.

Over the bowl of a silver spoon, let flow 1 liter of rum in memory of
the waterfalls and their glorious rainbows encountered on your journeys
through the galaxy of life.

Next, drop in the worm found in a bottle of Musquil, watching it dissolve
into the mixture.  If the bottom falls out and the worm survives, drink
at your own risk.

Finally, sprinkle into the mixture some Gatorade to commemorate the
lifeforms which have vanished and are becoming extinct, both sentient and
non-sentient, especially those most in need of aid.

If this many Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters are too many for the number of
people you think you are, mix together the following amounts of
ingredients as described above for a single serving.

         1) 1 oz. EverClear
         2) 4 oz. Bombay Sapphire or Jeremiah Weed
         3) 4 oz. Cold Wild Turkey
         4) 2 oz. Herredura Tequila
         5) 5 oz. Rum
         6) 1     worm from bottle of Mezcla
         7) 2 oz. Gatorade

This makes one approximately 18 ounce Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.  The
reason this drink seems so large is that Zaphod Beeblebrox has two heads,
so when he created it, it came out to 9 ounces per head, so both were
happy.

Before drinking, eat one olive to create a sweetness in it which is not
there.

Drink very, very extremely carefully at your own risk, and remember where
your towel is (if you can).

Submitter's note: This recipe has been placed into the public domain by
the author, and was previously published in "Mostly Harmless," the
fanzine of the ZZ9 Plural Zed Alpha fan club, Brighton, England.

%1S02
Title:    Chess
Author:   Jason Corley  ([e-mail])
Written:  12/10/1992
Content:  Semi-real
Summary:  A game with much terminology
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chess is a game involving 64 squares and 32 pieces which invariably
end up on the wrong squares.

The most powerful piece in chess is the queen, the only female piece
on the board.  There have been many explanations linking this feminist
slant to the high number of young men with thick glasses and skin
problems who play chess, none of which have been conclusive.

Other chess pieces include the King, a reference to Elvis Presley;
the Pawn, who represents the determinist worldview (as in, "We are all
just pawns of fate waiting to get to the back rank"); the Rook, a small
bird; the Knight, opposite of The Daye; and the Bishop, the origin of
which is unknown.  There are 2 conflicting theories as to the origin of
the Bishop:  1.  The long-dead original inventors of chess were extra-
ordinarily prescient, or 2.  Priests, preachers and televangelists have
always been warlike, violent and tricky.

Popular openings in chess include The King's Gambit, The Queen's Gambit,
The Latvian, The Ruy Lopez, The Schliemann, The Orangoutang, The Vulture,
The Four Knights, The Three Knights, The Scotch, The Basmania, The Center
Counter, The Dumb Move, The Pre-Game Psyche-Out, and the Coronary
Thrombosis.

Popular closings, or endgames in chess include The Win, The Loss, The
Draw, The Stalemate, The Loss On Time, The Quantum Collapse, The Refusal
To Go On, The Sudden Death and The Sudden Death.

%1S04
Title:    Definitely Correct Speech
Author:   Dennis Holmes  ([e-mail])
Written:  21/01/1993
Content:  Semi-real
Summary:  How to Speak Your Mind and Live to Tell About It
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

At some time, all hitchhikers are going to eventually find themselves with
the inescapable need to verbally communicate with some other being.  This is
usually quite dangerous, the type of thing that television personalities with
less intelligence and coordination than a falling bowl of petunias tell you
not to try at home even though you couldn't possibly try it at home because
the task in question involves being suspended over a half-mile deep canyon
without a towel while handcuffed to Rosanne Arnold.  We therefore provide
some handy tips for making the experience, if not more pleasant, then at
least survivable.

The first thing to know is that the particular language you speak is not
terribly important, Babel fish or no Babel fish, since no one will actually
be listening to the content of your speech.  People will have already made up
their minds about what you are going to say long before you begin speaking,
and it is this meaning which will govern any replies or reactions to your
statements; indeed, one might begin to wonder why it was that this
conversation needed to be had in the first place.  This should be carefully
considered before proceeding, as it may just be possible to avoid the entire
incident after all.  You should therefore speak in the tongue most familiar
to you in order to reserve your concentration for more important matters such
as how to get the last word in as quickly as possible.

With all the latest hype about being culturally correct, socially correct,
environmentally correct, politically correct, and anatomically correct, it is
vital to understand the importance of being right no matter what the cost.
In fact, experts estimate that nearly every war in the galaxy has been caused
by someone being wrong.  It is recommended that the modern hitchhiker employ
the increasingly popular style known as Definitely Correct Speech.  The basic
technique is that everything you say must be absolutely, precisely,
unquestionably correct or, when this is not convenient, so wildly inaccurate
as to make the thought of denial utterly preposterous.

The best place to find examples of the proper use of Definitely Correct
Speech is in the Guide.  The very idea of disputing anything published in the
Guide is downright unthinkable and would likely be followed by heavy
lawsuits, commitment of the individual or organization to a sanitarium, and
probably a lynching.  Another excellent source is employees of the telephone
company, although engaging in conversation with one of these beings is highly
discouraged.

%1S05
Title:    Hell
Author:   Vincent Joseph Shuta  ([e-mail])
Written:  29/12/1992
Content:  Semi-real
Summary:  Don't go there.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

No matter how many people tell you to go to Hell, don't.  At no
place in the space time continuum is it a pleasant place:  It was
lousy since it opened and there are no plans for improvement.

The actual description of the place varies from religion to
religion and planet to planet, and is based mostly on hearsay.
The one thing they agree uniformly is that it's set up to make
you unhappy and is thus a place to avoid.

If you still feel compelled by the amazing number of people who
tell you to go there, remember that people are not always
concerned with what's in your best interest.  Also, analyze your
behavior for elements which could be misconstrued as aggravating.

%1U01
Title:    Origins of the Guide
Author:   Mark Anthony Young  ([e-mail])
Written:  24/01/1992
Content:  Unreal
Summary:  The Plithkud People Of Albidris IV Claim Credit
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The idea of collecting Guide entries is not as funny as many modern people
believe.  The idea is clearly very old.  Some people say that the origin of
the idea is lost in the mists of time, but the Plithkud people of Albidris
IV claim credit for it in the name of their founding father of philosophy,
Sendri Cholkuth Bork Bork Bork (name shortened for presentational purposes).

The Shimil people of Albidris IV are not surprised at this claim, but they do
not credit it.  "Those Plithkuds are a bunch of idea-thieving, good for
nothing morons.  They haven't had an original thought in aeons, and that old
charlatan blowhard piece of dried-up turd was the worst of the lot.  He's an
embarrassment to the whole planet, not to mention the Plithkuds, which we
hardly ever do."

Still, perseverance in the face of criticism is a Plithkud ideal ("They need
it," say the Shimils).  Researchers from the Imperial University at Gondanala
say that the Plithkuds are the second most perseverant people in the galaxy
(they talk like that -- they're academics).  The most perseverant, they go on
to say (as we know they would -- academics love to talk), are the Jogoth
people of Aniander III.  The Jogoths have the most highly advanced
bureaucracy ever devised by any sentient species.  In order to eat breakfast
the normal Jogoth has to fill out seventeen forms in triplicate, indicating
what they intend to eat, how they intend to prepare it, who will be eating
with them (the other people also have to fill out seventeen forms, and the
bureaucrats will not stint in their efforts to check the forms against each
other), what the seating arrangement will be at the table (an extra form
required if the meal is to be served at the counter, and another if it is to
be eaten standing up), what steps have been taken to ensure that no one
present has had this same dish for breakfast in the past ten days, and a
dozen other forms besides.  Rather than being daunted for this, the average
Jogoth affirms that "it's nice to have some light paperwork to get you
started in the morning."

The Plithkuds are not bothered by the accusations of their neighbors.  "Those
Shimils are just a bunch of liars," they say.  "And jealous, too," they add,
"because _their_ philosophers didn't think up as many things as _our_
philosophers."  "Get real," say the Shamils.  "Thhhhphphpht," say the
Plithkuds.

%1U02
Title:    Art
Author:   J. David Dickens  ([e-mail])
Written:  14/10/1992
Content:  Unreal
Summary:  Art.  What is it?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

One of the foremost debates of all time between creatures of any
reasonable sentience has been:  "What is Art?"  Some, like the Algrabaxian
QuadraFrogs state that art is any substance that is pleasing to the
pineal gland of another QuadraFrog.  This answer is not generally
accepted in the charted regions of the Galaxy for the sole reason that
the QuadraFrogs are amazing liars, and nobody really thinks the
QuadraFrogs have pineal glands anyway.  Hence, the debate rages on and
on, sparking the occasional heated party conversation here and the
frequent interstellar war there.

So, the hitchhiker should obviously know something of art and its merits
before departing on any grand adventure across the galaxy.  Fortunately
for the hitchhiker, the concepts involved are so annoyingly tedious that
even the most well-respected authority on art does not fully comprehend
them all.  This gives the hitchhiker a very wide margin for error when
discussing it.

First, you must realize that art is expensive.  So expensive, in fact,
that the average hitchhiker will never actually purchase any from a
respected gallery.  This is a good thing, because this means that only 4
out of every 10,000,000,000 people you might meet on any given world
actually own anything that could pass itself off as a masterpiece.  The
sole exception is the planet Earth, which, through a theoretically
impossible fluctuation of the laws of physics, relativity and good
taste, has been given the dubious honor of having the highest
concentration of artists in the entire western arm of the galaxy.  Among
the "paintings" available on Earth, the ones of the "Black Velvet"
nature have been called some of the best works of art in the Known
Universe.  They are also cheap.  Pick a few up and make a killing on a
more civilized planet.

Next, you must formulate an opinion of a work of art when you see one.
Art thrives on opinions.  The "Mada Saskootchka" of the famed
thermonuclear sculptor Kritchkrotch was discovered (and later made
immortal) when an unwitting passer-by uttered the word "Halichutz",
which in the native language of Saskootchka meant "That, my good man,
was inspired by the Gods themselves!"  A minor scandal erupted when it
was discovered that the passer-by who uttered this comment was not
actually from Saskootchka, but its neighboring planet Eyup, and that in
Eyupian the word actually meant "Get your bloody Erector Set off of the
sidewalk!"  The scandal was resolved by a tricky art dealer who stated
"What does it matter that it looks like an Erector Set?  It's an Erector
Set that the Gods Inspired, and that is what's important."

So, should you find yourself in one of the famous galleries of Dreedrax,
or end up in a snobbish party that is being held in a place of considerable
repute, you now know enough about art to carry on a decent conversation
about the various pieces on display.  One proven tactic is to walk to the
nearest area where a group of people are standing around staring at
something and stating in a mildly arrogant tone "This is supposed to be
art?"  If it isn't, you will be told so, but if it is you will generally
be plunged into a conversation about the piece and its merits.  Then make
generally pompous comments about the piece's faults in style, concept
and execution (e.g. "This person looks as if he/she/it's trying to
emulate the Black Velvet paintings of Terra.  It's a blatant rip-off.
[pointing to the work]  See, look at that brush stroke.  It's a VERY poor
emulation, and, to be frank, sacrilege!")  This works very well, as almost
no civilized being has ever actually seen a Terran Black Velvet).  This
approach almost always makes you the life of the party, and you will find
many people willing to drink a toast to you to hail your good taste and/or
take you to bed.

%1U03
Title:    Problems With Spelling And Interbeing Relations, The
Author:   Vincent Joseph Shuta  ([e-mail])
Written:  14/10/1992
Content:  Unreal
Summary:  Beings have problems spelling with each other.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is, of course, well known that a person's ability to spell can
affect their placement in life.  A misspelling on an application,
resume, or manuscript can have -- relatively speaking -- devastating
effects, and can alter the position one ends up with.  For example,
a professor of enigmatic jokes at the University of Maximegalon made
a grievous error by using the letter 'e' in place of the letter '\<&*'
in the word 'Flath\<&*' (an odd word used only in enigmatic jokes) in
his triple doctoral thesis.  He was approached with the error, and
was about to be dismissed from his post, when in an enigmatic
inspiration, he saved his position by coining the only known
spelling-related enigmatic phrase:  "Well, if I could spell, I
wouldn't be here!"

This phrase is actually more literally true of the Gelderion people
of Vanbeetroot VII.  During the reign of their leader, King Grenbar
the Confused, a rather complicated and extremely expensive satellite
was placed in orbit over the planet.  This satellite could sense
anyone spelling anything correctly in public, or correcting another's
spelling, and changed this person's position by several thousand light
years (The King was apparently annoyed at the number of people who
corrected his spelling, which was well known to be atrocious).

As a result, a large percentage of the population was sent hurling
though space, and the economy was devastated; both from the lack of
people in the work force, and from the enormous debt created by the
satellite.

When finally a team of engineers was sent to shut down the satellite,
they found that all the original manuals were unreadable due to numerous
misspellings, and all the original blueprints were soaked in
Vanbeetroot ale (a curious mixture produced on Vanbeetroot V, where
the natives dealt with people who could spell by getting them extra-
ordinarily drunk).  And thus began the rather expensive endeavor of
retrieving the satellite and directly analyzing it.  The engineers then
found that the satellite was simply a natural annoyance magnifier,
which took the energy produced by annoyance, magnified it several
trillion times and focused it on the source of the annoyance -- with a
gain control to send the person someplace safe.  The engineers then
disconnected the gain control, and got very annoyed with the device --
which promptly melted itself.

This is why 90% of all dictionaries sold throughout the galaxy come
with a short tutorial on advanced circuit analysis.

%1U04
Title:    Dealing With The Lack Of Time
Author:   Vincent Joseph Shuta  ([e-mail])
Written:  22/11/1992
Content:  Unreal
Summary:  Time expands to fill available space.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's a common complaint of most sentient beings in the galaxy that
there isn't enough time to accomplish everything.  The time allotted
for projects, assignments, and those tasks necessary for daily life
is always less than the time required to accomplish the projects,
assignments, and daily tasks.  The general response to such laments
is "Get organized."  This is not often welcome advice because if one
had the time to get organized, then there would be enough time to
accomplish everything: adding "Get organized" to the list doesn't help.

This has led to an entire industry based on time-saving devices:
Microwave ovens, electric can openers, automatic cat feeders, etc.
Although some of these devices have been shown to save time, the
overall effect is minimal, and the complaints have not dropped too
much.  (The overall effect on the lives of the inventors has been
quite amazing, since they can now afford to hire people to do
everything for them.  The overall effect on the hired people has
been the opposite, since they now have that much less time, due to
the added task of catering to the inventors.  This creates a balance
so the overall figures are not affected.)

Some psychologists at Golgafrincham University Polar Campus (also
known as "Snow U") developed a theory that people schedule any free
time they have for fear of boredom.  This has never been fully
developed however, since the same psychologists were sent off in
the now infamous B Ark.

As a side note, the rest of the psychologists stayed home.  They of
course were key figures in Golgafrincham's population reduction
plans.  The only ones who weren't working on that project were those
who weren't considered that good.  And although it was a tad
embarrassing for all involved when they came up with a major theory,
it was easily taken care of.

%2R02
Title:    Geneva, Switzerland, Earth
Author:   Geraldo Xexeo  ([e-mail])
Written:  01/11/1991
Content:  Real
Summary:  Geneva, Switzerland is a city for very rich people.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Geneva, capital of the Republic and Canton of Geneva, part of the Helvetique
Confederation, is a city in Switzerland.  French speaking, English is the
most used language in Geneva, due to the presence of an countable number of
International Organizations in it (among them UN, WHO, WWF and an infinite
number of banks).  If you are planning to expend an exciting weekend in a
fabulous city, Geneva is not the right choice unless you can stay the day
counting your money in a private bank.  Geneva is a city for very rich
people.  If you are very rich, you can eat at expensive restaurants, buy at
expensive shops, and use expensive cars.  Since you are reading this guide,
you are probably not quite defined as "rich", so you will have to spend your
money in expensive restaurants and expensive shops, but forget about the car.

The city is small, with 300,000 habitants.  60% of them are not Swiss, which
could be a good thing concerning amusement.  Swiss night-life is summarized
in a few words, actually very few words.  Zero words, to be honest.  The rest
of the population goes to English pubs, Italian cantinas, and out of the
city, which is the best part of Geneva.  Roma and Paris are good options.
In winter, you can ski in Chamonix, less than one hour by car.

Touristic attractions are the Geneva Lake, with a big fountain near the city,
and religious buildings connected with Calvin Protestant Revolution in
Geneva.  That means you can make tourism and pay for all your sins in the
same day, which is not something to disconsider.  Don't get the "Teleferique
du Saleve", which you can reach by car or walking, and save 10 bucks.  Only a
swiss would think about paying to get up in a mountain where cars can drive,
so they don't tell it to you until you are there.  There is also the old
town, which is 400 years old (which is not so old in European standards, but
enough if you come from California).

Rue du Rhone is the principal street, where you can lose all your money
buying things with prices that should be outlawed anywhere.  Hermes, Chanel,
Cartier, Valentino, and every one else have shops in Geneva.  That makes the
city a good shot if you want to be a top model.  Better if you want to _get_
top models, and you can afford it...

Placed in the middle of Europe, Geneva is the right place to stay the night
in a trip from Paris to Rome, or Munich to Lyon.  Did I already mention that
you have to be able to afford the night?   OK, Geneva is not that expensive.
It is more.

Democracy is a very famous institution of Switzerland.  The problem is the
definition of the word.  In Geneva, what is not forbidden is mandatory. "Do
you have a license to do that?  Ah!  So that's you in our files.  But, did
you get a license to be in our files?"  On the other side, people are very
used to obeying orders and reading the manuals.  The problem is that, not
very often, there is nothing in the manuals, what can be good or bad for you,
depending on how much you drunk, who is talking with you, and why you left
your documents on the starship.

Switzerland is famous for its watches and cheeses.  Try a fondue "motie-
motie" anywhere in the city.  The oldest restaurant in town is a good choice.
It is in the old town, in front of three old guns that commemorate the defeat
of Geneva by Austria.  I don't understand that either.  Geneva is infamous
for its red wine.  If they tell you it is good, don't believe them.  If they
insist, say you don't drink alcohol.  Be aware to be ready to explain what
that glass of beer is doing in your hand.  You can get a good white wine, but
they come from Lausanne.

Actually, everything that is good in Geneva come from some place different.
French girls, Italian cooks, German managers, English rock are easily found.
American lawyers are here also, but this was a big mistake the Swiss did.

To buy a watch, you can select from a 20,000 US$ Gold and Diamonds Rolex to a
35 US$ Swatch.  Swatches are plastic watches with fun colors and drawings
that no one thinks are beautiful, but everyone has to have at least two.  To
find a shop selling Swatches, just look for people speaking loud with Italian
accents.  They are real Italians, and they used to buy more of these watches
than everyone else in the world.  We don't know if this can improve their
punctuality, but it improves a lot Geneva revenues.  It is very interesting
that it is much easier to buy the Rolex you want than the Swatch that you saw
in the catalogue.  Swatches are collectors items, and some of them are
difficult to find.  Some people believe that Swatch really makes a profit
from selling catalogues, the watch being just a small misconcept in the
design phase that went wild.

Equipment: Skying gear, towel, leather wallet
What to bring: money, credit card, gold, jewelry, towel
You can't lose: The ticket back home, skiing in Chamonix
You should forget: Staying more than 3 days

%2R03
Title:    Harvard Square, Boston, Massachusetts, USA, Earth
Author:   Loren Haarsma  ([e-mail])
Written:  20/01/1992
Content:  Real
Summary:  Mostly Preppie
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the great city-state of Boston, and in its collection of semi-autonomous
suburbs, Geometry has taken it on the chin.  In these cities, whenever two or
more major streets intersect at a strange angle (and major streets, when they
intersect at all, invariably intersect at strange angles) it is designated a
"square."  And just to send Geometry running away screaming, these "squares"
are given names.  In the city of Cambridge (just to the north of Boston) it
just so happens that Massachusetts Avenue, J.F.K. Street, and Mount Auburn
Street all intersect near Harvard University.  And it is called --
surprisingly enough -- "Harvard Square."  (This is surprising because the
names of nearly all the other "squares" make no sense whatsoever.)

If you should hitchhike to Harvard University (Driving is out of the
question, since it is impossible to find a parking spot anywhere near Harvard
Square.  The most clever hitchhikers will avoid hitchhiking altogether and
take the subway.) in order to gaze at it's splendid library, or to marvel in
its awesome museums, or -- best of all -- to visit a rich relative who
happens to be enrolled there, then you will probably spend some time
wandering around Harvard Square.

Harvard Square is the place in the United States -- outside of southern
California -- where you are most likely to encounter several preppies dressed
in izods getting their picture taken in front of a "Join the Revolutionary
Communist Youth League of America" banner.  The Square itself is a several-
block region of shops and restaurants near the University.  Since most, if
not all, of the land is owned by the University, the business establishments
must pay an obscene amount of rent, and they pass these costs on to the
customers.

When touring Boston in general, and Harvard Square in particular, you should
either purchase a street map, or expect to ask directions 5 or 6 times before
finding your desired destination.  You should think of each of these events
as "mini-adventures."

RESTAURANTS: Most restaurants charge $4-5 for lunch and $8-10 for dinner.
There are many restaurants, but my recommendations are:

          CHINESE: "Chef Chow's" on Church Street in "The Atrium;" excellent
             food, good prices, and you can amuse yourself by trying to
             figure out why the establishment hires twice as many waiters and
             waitresses as it needs.
          INDIAN: "India Gate" on Holyoke Street; excellent vegetarian dishes
             and breads.
          MEXICAN: "Border Cafe" on Church Street; expect a loooong wait.
          PIZZA: Although some Harvardians like the pizza places around here,
             I suggest you order out and get it delivered.
          FAST: "_Au Bon Pain_" on Mass Av; a pricy McDonalds with an
             attitude.
          GENERIC: "Grendles" on J.F.K. Street; good prices, fair food, but
             the atmosphere is "very Harvard," and hey, as long as you're in
             the neighborhood, why not?  Good music.
          GENERIC: "The Wurst House" on J.F.K. Street; I'm told it has good
             beer, but the food totally failed to impress me.
          ICE CREAM: All the shops are adequate.

On NO ACCOUNT should you be persuaded to eat at a cafeteria on campus.  If
you cannot afford a restaurant, then go into "Store 24" (on Mass Av.) and
purchase a pre-made, pre-wrapped sandwich.  They will let you use their
microwave and sell you some very bad coffee for a quarter.

PARKING GARAGE: On Holyoke Street.  Maybe.

HOTELS: You can't afford them.

It is impossible throw a pedestrian in Harvard Square without hitting half a
dozen book stores, none of which carry enough "Doonesbury."  Decent prices,
though.  If you are into shabby little sci-fi bookstores where the owners
know more trivia than any sane person should, you will find one located just
above the "Wurst House" on J.F.K. Street, called "Pandemonium."

Speaking of pedestrians, you should NEVER NEVER simply step out into the
street and expect the cars to stop for you.  They won't.

The movie theaters in Harvard Square almost never show any interesting
movies.  This is probably because every movie house in the greater Boston
area is owned by Loewe's Theater Megacorp.

    OTHER PLACES OF INTEREST:

          THE GARAGE: on J.F.K. Street.  A mini-mall and student hang-out
             whose interior is inexplicably designed like a parking garage.
          OUT OF TOWN NEWS: Perhaps the largest news stand you will ever see,
             located in the heart of Harvard Square, carrying newspapers from
             cities you've never heard of.
          THE FUNNY FARM:  A little shop located on Eliot Street; hard to
             find but worth the effort.  They sell many varieties of wind-up,
             battery-driven, and otherwise-mobile toys.  It's a place where
             you can find store owners almost certainly stranger than
             yourself.
          CATCH A RISING STAR: on J.F.K. Street.  Not-yet-ready-for-the-club-
             scene performers.
          THE SPORTS CLUB: on J.F.K. Street. Particularly amusing to observe
             the patrons when the Red Sox/Patriots/Celtics/Bruins are losing
             a critical game, as they so frequently do.
          THE CHARLES RIVER: No, that's not a store or a shop.  That's the
             real, actual river.  It's pronounced, "Chaahhles."  There's a
             nice little park along the banks.
          STREET PERFORMERS: all over the place during warm afternoons and
             evenings, particularly on weekends.  Some of them are quite
             good.

Many stores sell "official Harvard insignia" clothing, mugs, pencils,
notebooks, and just about anything else you can think of, including towels.
All of it is overpriced.  A word of warning to avoid embarrassment:  the
"Harvard Co-operative Society" book/everything-else store (located on Mass
Av.) is called, "The Coop."  Not, "The Co-op," but, "The Coop."  As in
"chicken."  This is simply yet another inexplicable aspect of the greater
Boston area.

%2R04
Title:    Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute
Author:   Jesse Mundis  ([e-mail])
Written:  10/04/1991
Content:  Real
Summary:  A hitchhiker's view of RPI
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Greetings all you hoopy hitchhikers out there!  I congratulate you on your
choice of reading material.  But enough with small talk, you want to know
about RPI, so here we go:

RPI was founded in 1824 by Stephan VanRensselaer.  It resides in Troy, NY,
USA, Earth.

"Enough with the history," I hear you cry, "get on with the good stuff."  Ok,
calm down.  I spent four years doing research on this subject (and managed
to get a degree there at the same time!) so I can assure you that everything
I write is completely, blindingly, factual, except the bits that aren't.

Food: A subject near and dear to the hearts, and other squishy bits that
do the same thing but are different colors and shapes from hearts, of many
hitchhikers.  Campus meal service is provided by Daka (day-ka) which I
presume stands for Dreadful Awful KA-ka.  Some areas are better than others,
but other than lunches, which were quite well prepared, the prudent
hitchhiker is advised to eat out, or cook for themselves.

Money: Don't worry, you won't have any.  Tuition is 347,556.003 Zambinian
Froodles (see current exchange rate at your local branch of the Galactic
Bank).  I'm still paying off student loans.  My suggestion here... hang out
in a dirty space port, it's much cheaper.

Weather: It's fantastic!  That is, if you come from a water world.  For those
of you who prefer to remain dry, I'd recommend skipping this one.

Local sites: Points of interest around the RPI/Troy area include:  Uncle
Sam Atrium (yes, the old guy with the funny hat who wants you came from
Troy), "The Egg" in Albany Plaza (a large structure obviously left by
visiting, concrete, avian, aliens), The Rolls (a cozy little below-the-street
bar in Troy where Roy Atkinson plays folk music Wednesday nights.  A
definite three tentacles up for this place!!), and "The Approach" (the
collapsing stairway which once was the main entrance to campus).  No visiting
Hitchhiker should miss these sites.

REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF: Parties and social life!  These things actually do
exist on the RPI campus.  This is an interesting phenomenon since RPI has a
more unbalanced ratio than MIT does.  Even so, many fun and exciting parties
can be found with a group of students and non-students called The RPI
Players.  They are the theater group on campus, and hoopier froods will not
be sassed anywhere.  They hold "Cast Parties" after the closing night show of
a performance.  If a hitchhiker is of legal age for his/hers/its species,
they may partake of a drink called Players Punch.  This liquid, usually
pinkish in color, is about as close to a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster as you
may hope to find on this boring little planet.

Final Review: Its a bit over priced, and pressure can get to some, but
overall I'd have to say that my four year research assignment at RPI was
an enjoyable time.  I'd advise other researchers to go and back up my
findings.  My final rating of RPI is: Mostly Harmless.

%2R05
Title:    Algonquin Park, Ontario, Canada, Earth
Author:   Loren Haarsma  ([e-mail])
Written:  04/03/1992
Content:  Real
Summary:  Buzz Buzz Slap, Paddle Paddle Splash.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Remarkable as it may seem, some people actually enjoy camping and canoeing
for several days at a time.

This article is not the right place to discuss the intricacies of camping,
and this author is certainly not the right person to discuss them.
Everything you should know about camping-in-general -- from choosing tents
and sleeping bags and food, to how to pack and carry a backpack, to what
items you should take with you (like a first aid kit), to stringing up your
backpacks at night so that the large and exceedingly noisy raccoons can't
raid them, to developing an attitude which enjoys hardship, pain and
deprivation -- is true about camping in Algonquin Park.  I will instead
focus on the unique joys and hardships posed by this particular location.

Most of the time, it is not at all difficult to see why a majority of
Canada's population chooses to live in southern Ontario.  During certain
times of the year, however, other locations in Canada hold certain
attractions.  If your idea of "fun" is sleeping on uneven rocky surfaces,
spending hours cooking pre-packaged food, walking long distances over
winding paths carrying heavy burdens, and occasionally getting yourself and
all of your belongings uncontrollably tossed into deep water; then you
might consider canoeing and camping in Algonquin Park (about 240 km north
of Toronto), where the air is fresh, the lakes are clear, evergreens cover
the hills, and you are surrounded by the sounds of nature.

The most important sound of nature is of course the incessant whine of
mosquitoes.  You would think that in a large, northern national park which
has many lakes and streams, that the mosquitoes would be as large as birds
and capable of flying off with your dinner, or indeed your family pet.  But
this is only true of some of them; most of them are exactly the right size to
fly into your ear and buzz around in there for hours.  All of them are quite
capable of biting you through clothing, including, apparently, denim.  And
this brings us to our first item.

The Most Important Item You Can Carry While Camping In Algonquin: REPELLANT.

Large amounts of mosquito repellant.  Take two or three brands with you.  If
the first brand you use isn't effective after ten minutes or so, Don't Wait!
Immediately switch to another brand, and keep switching until you find one
which works.  If you fail to do this, the many dozens of bites you receive in
the first few hours will drive you mad for days thereafter.  Don't skimp on
the repellant; buy the expensive brands if you think they might work better.
Mosquitoes are the only bothersome insect late in the summer, but in June and
early July there may well be other biting insects to worry about, such as
blackflies.

Another sound of nature you will likely encounter at Algonquin is the
bellowing of the majestic moose.  You are most likely to encounter this
bellowing throughout the night after a long day of paddling and portaging
when all you want to do is get some sleep, except that the moose standing a
few hundred meters from your camp has other plans for the night and is trying
to attract other moose in order to make its plans come true.  You might wish
to take a camera with you to Algonquin, because it is quite possible --
although not necessarily wise -- that you will get the chance to paddle your
canoe to within just a few meters of a moose.

The sound of nature which compensates for the mosquitoes and the moose is, of
course, the call(s) of the loon.  The first time you hear these birds, you
will understand their name; you might also get a glimmering of why Canadians
chose the loon for their national bird and stamped its likeness on their $1
coins.  The call of the loon in the early morning when you have just
awakened, or in the evening after sunset, is one of the most astonishingly
beautiful things you will ever hear, and never gets tiresome.

You can rent canoes, life preservers, and paddles right at the park; the only
thing you need to bring with you is your camping equipment.  Actually, there
is a store which sells camping equipment at the park, but the prices are
pretty much what you would expect at a government-owned-and-operated store
located right at the entry point.

Algonquin Park is huge.  There are many dozens of lakes, most of which have a
few widely separated campsites on them.  If you really want to "get away from
people" for a while, then you should plan on a MINIMUM of 5 days (two days
moving out from the point of entry, two days to get back).  Naturally, the
longer you plan to stay "out," the farther into the park you can get, the
fewer and fewer people you will meet, and the heavier and heavier your
backpack will be when you start.  You might be tempted to canoe/portage "as
fast as possible" for the first half of your trip, to see how far "out" you
can get and to take in as much scenery as possible -- which forces you to
move fast on your return trip as well -- but you should definitely consider
setting aside at least one day to take it very easy, moving very slowly or
indeed not at all.  Although the scenery is beautiful, it is quite frankly --
aside from a small waterfall here or a strange island with all burnt-out
trees there -- pretty much the same in one part of the park as another, so
just take it easy and enjoy the scenery where you are.

It is a good idea to contact the Park authorities several weeks in advance to
ask them about camping conditions.  It is an even better idea to ask them to
send you a detailed map of Algonquin, and to LAMINATE that map before you
arrive.  And this brings us to a very important topic.

WATERPROOFING:  You will need to waterproof everything in your backpack.
Garbage bags work for clothing.  Bring plenty of rope to act as clothesline,
just in case.  Certain vital necessities which cannot stand water, such as
toilet paper, should be double-bagged.  Since it is absolutely impossible to
avoid getting your feet wet, you should bring TWO pairs of shoes.  (Squishing
around the campsite all evening in soggy shoes is second only to mosquito
bites as a source of mental instability in campers.)  Since most of the
portages are short, hiking boots are probably not needed; and it should be
pointed out that hiking boots, once wet, simply do not dry out during the
lifetime of a normal vacation.

FOOD and WATER:  Bring a portable stove; campfires are not allowed from time
to time when there hasn't been enough rain.  The water in most of the lakes
is perfectly drinkable ONCE IT HAS BEEN BOILED.  Paddling is hard work, so
bring large canteens which you can fill each morning with boiled water.  A
useful trick is to bring gallon milk jugs with screw-on caps:  fill with
boiled water, seal, and put it the lake for rapid cooling; tie empty jugs to
backpacks for buoyancy.

TIE THE BACKPACKS ONTO THE CANOE while paddling.  I would hope this one was
pretty obvious.

SUNGLASSES are very useful, and very easy to lose.

CAMPSITES are generally well separated from each other.  They consist of
nothing more than some open space in which to pitch one or two tents (usually
with some pine needles for padding), a bare patch of ground to build a fire
or set your stove, and an open-box latrine a few dozen meters away.  You are
responsible for keeping the campsites perfectly clean, which means CARRYING
ALL OF YOUR GARBAGE OUT WITH YOU.  Use only biodegradable soap.

Some campsites are better than others.  It's a good idea to pick a site and
set up camp early, a few hours before sunset.  This allows you to pitch
tents, cook dinner, go for a leisurely swim, and, most importantly, memorize
the path to the latrine, before dark.

CANOEING:  Bring along an extra paddle.  It'll be might difficult trying to
get back to the entry point one paddle short.  Since canoeing involves a lot
of sitting, cushion-type floatation devices provide a vital service which
vest-types cannot.

Lakes are by far the most common feature of Algonquin, but there are also
rivers, streams, a few marshes, and even a waterfall or two.  (Canoeing over
a waterfall is NOT recommended.)  On the rivers, expect to encounter beaver
dams.  The first few will be amusing, but after that you will start thinking
thoughts about stylish fur caps.

PORTAGES:  A typical day of canoeing in Algonquin will include half a dozen
portages.  Their length is typically a few hundred meters.  A few portages
are longer than 1 kilometer, and they should be positively avoided!  I can
categorically state that you will not be having fun during long portages.
Mosquitoes seem to KNOW to congregate at landing sites for portages.  You
might consider renting a shoulder harness to help carry the canoe.  And
the extra money it costs to rent the lighter Kevlar canoes is definitely
worth it!

%2R06
Title:    Berlin, Germany, Earth
Author:   Klaus v. Knoblauch  ([e-mail])
Written:  29/06/1992
Content:  Real
Summary:  An ultimately nice, really megafrood place.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, I suppose you'll reach Berlin by anything, doesn't matter, as long as
you're there.  There is lot to say about how to fool the East-German customs
officers and buy tax-free booze and fags in transit through DDR and get them
into town; however, since they've torn the wall, which is widely considered
a bad move, and has made many people quite angry, this has become immaterial.
The only reason I mention it at all is to produce more lines and to pretend
that I'd know it.

The Wall:

First of all a little joke:

Do you know why the Chinese people always show such a mysterious smile,
expressing something like "Well, I know that you'd love to know why I'm
grinning like this, but I won't tell, 'cause if I did you'd be wondering why
someone can grin like that for such reasons." ?

Well, they do so because their Chinese Wall is still undamaged.

Since the wall was torn down in 1990, it can no longer be visited.  But you
can still buy pieces of it from many street dealers.  Don't worry, if you can
visit Berlin only in late 2001, there'll be still street dealers, selling
those nice lightly colored Original-Berliner-Mauer-Brick-Parts, and there will
always be smart froods spraying graffities to house-walls, tearing them down
and sell the parts to tourists (slang expression Turissis).  There's more to
say about these street dealers and the Russian army caps, wrist watches, and
Kalashnikows they sell, but this will come under 'Souvenirs.'

Culture:

There is.  Buy a Berlin-Culture-Guide; it lists all museums, galleries,
concert halls, churches, congress places and public lavatories.  Buying it,
you'll not only get all important information, but also help the suffering
tourist-industry-managers to a new Mercedes car.  Thank You for doing so.

Music:

There is.  Buy ear protecting devices.

Universities:

There are several: the Free University, the Technical University, The Humbold
University, The Hochschule der Kuenste, and a public lavatory.  They all are
places for students to hang around, drink a lot, breed new students, and give
free UseNet access to them.  Irrelevant, completely.

The Zoo:

There are.  Yes, are!  Berlin has two zoos (actually three) due to the fact,
that before the wall was torn, everything had to be kept in two copies, one
for the capitalist WEST-BERLIN and one for the communist HAUPTSTADT DER DDR.
Now, that Berlin has become the capital of Germany, for most of these, only
the capitalist ones survived.  Exceptions to this rule prove it.  The third
'Zoo' is actually referring to a big railroad station, but many interesting
lifeforms can be watched here, too.  The (former-has-been) West-Berlin Zoo is
called Zoo (Zoologischer Garten).  As you enter it, beware of one of the
elephants, which likes to throw sand at the tourists.  In the carnivore-house
beware of one of the lions, which likes to piss at the tourists.  In the
night-animal house beware of pickpockets.  The (now-no-longer) East-Berlin
Zoo is called Der Tierpark which could be translated as 'The Animal Park'
which is nonsense.  No _special_ precautions are necessary.

Sex:

There is.  Buy a Berlin-Sex-Guide; it lists all sexshops, gay-sexshops, porno
cinemas, brothels, single-whores and public lavatories.  Buying it, you'll
not only get all important information, but also help the suffering tourist-
industry-managers to a new Mercedes car.  Thank You for doing so.

The Ku-Damm (Kurfuerstendamm):

Like in many other cities, there is a thing like downtown in Berlin, only, it
is not called downtown, towncentre or any other commonly used expression,
but The Ku-Damm.  Don't get misled by the fact that there is also a road
called Ku-Damm; this is only the center of the towncentre.  There are other
really froody spots in town rather than The Ku-Damm, but you should visit
them only if you:

          1) are after fun
          2) own a knife or gun, or are familiar with karate
             and other survival techniques
          3) will not easily be recognized as a tourissi

History:

There is.  Buy a Berlin-History-Guide; it lists all castles, small castles,
government castles, old churches, new churches, parliament house, and public
lavatories.  Buying it, you'll not only get all important information, but
also help the suffering tourist-industry-managers to a new Mercedes car.
Thank You for doing so.

Sightseeing-Tours:

They are a rip.  Better hire a cab and tell the driver to take you to the
next corner on the fastest way.  You'll have a lot more fun (especially when
you see the bill :-) ).

Adventures:

There are many adventures to join in Berlin.  A very good place for doing so
is Kreuzberg (crosshill).  Again, don't get misled by the hill Kreuzberg,
which is also in Berlin, but at a completely different place.  SO36 (ESSO
sexondthryssik, phonetically spelled) is what you should tell the cab-driver.
Getting a cab driver taking you there is already the first adventure.
Joining adventures in Kreuzberg is simple: Shave your head and just move
around.  The adventure (skinhead-loathing Turks, Asians, East Europeans,
Italians, or any other intelligent live forms will approach you and take
care of everything else, including your mortal remains.  These will be taken
care of by the BSR, who have a special department for this, and will be
recycled as Doner-Kebab, Hamburger, or Curry-Wurst, the latter of which
tastes almost absolutely but not completely unlike a hotdog.

Science:

There is.  Buy a Berlin-Science-Guide; it lists all Universities, Institutes,
Experimental stations, nature observing stations, astronomical observatories,
and public lavatories.  Buying it, you'll not only get all important
information, but also help the suffering tourist-industry-managers to a new
Mercedes car.  Thank You for doing so.

Souvenirs:

Well, you know, there are these souvenir-shops.  They are exactly like in
each other town, only instead London-Tower-models they sell Funkturm-models
and instead Saint-Pauls-T-shirts they sell Kaiser-Wilhelm-Gedaechtnis-Kirche-
T-shirts.  A lot more fun to buy souvenirs from are those many street
dealers, which I already mentioned above. These smart froods make their
living out of the fact that the wall was torn down, the real-existing-
socialism in the (former-has-been) USSR has crashed, and the Russian,
American, English and French soldiers moved out of Berlin.  Especially the
Russians are most valuable for them: after all that Crash (Wall, Socialism,
USSR etc.) first happened, many Russian soldiers sold their army-caps,
medals, onion-style watches and Kalashnikovs.  Meanwhile, all these
Original-Russian-Army-Souvenirs are all standard 'Made in Hong Kong' Quality,
and of course the Kalashnikovs are no longer sold (except the Made-in-
Taiwan-plastic-ones).

Tea (where to get a cup of...):

In almost every restaurant, but in no public lavatories you'll be served
tea.  You can get Ceylon-, Broken Orange Pekoe-, Darjeeling-, Russian-,
Turkish, Japanese-, several fruit and haschisch (cannabis) tea.

%2R07
Title:    Party Hints
Author:   Daniel Bowen  ([e-mail])
Written:  03/02/1992
Content:  Real
Summary:  How to have a party on Earth - some helpful hints
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here are some handy hints to remember if you're planning on having a
party:

         1) Don't have one. You'll be regretting it for the rest of
            your life, as every day you'll find another piece of rubbish
            or a stain you hadn't seen before.

         2) Keep control of the music.  Don't let the alcoholic
            headbanger of the party take over or you'll have wall to
            wall heavy metal all evening as he gets completely pissed
            and lies in the garden, still banging his head on the garden
            path to the Slayer album someone was irresponsible enough to
            bring along.

         3) Make sure no-one strays from the garden into the house.
            Grass is easier to clean than carpet, and is considerably
            cheaper, even if you do have to mow it.

         4) Don't let any electrical engineering students do the
            lighting.  You could end up electrocuting ten people and
            blacking-out the state.

         5) If you're going to have a barbecue, make sure there's
            someone sober around who knows how to try to work it.  Try
            not to let any intoxicated persons near the gas supply or
            the matches.

         6) Do not let people who can't cook, cook.

         7) When using party sparklers, do not wave them at passing
            aircraft, particularly when in the vicinity of an airport.

         8) Always have a conversation starter ready for the dreaded
            and inevitable lull during the early stages of the party
            when everyone sits around talking quietly.  Experts have
            identified a condition known as Sudden Party Global
            Quietness, whereby everyone suddenly and unexpectedly stops
            talking at once, leaving only the loud music and the quiet
            headbanging from the garden as the only sounds in the
            otherwise silent darkness.

         9) Try to prevent lights exploding.

         10) Do not, under any account, let in people that you don't
             know.  Especially if they look like intergalactic hitchhikers
             - they always cause trouble.  Subject all entrants to
             interrogation, search and "identify the host" procedures.

         11) Try not to let the aforementioned alcoholic headbanger
             bring along his baseball bat.

         12) Try not to let the aforementioned alcoholic headbanger
             and his baseball bat get into arguments with other guests,
             no matter how trivial or insignificant these arguments might
             seem to be at first glance.

         13) Do not encourage those possessing baseball bats to go
             clubbing.

         14) Have someone ready to turn the electricity off at the
             fusebox to plunge the house into darkness and silence the
             moment there is any hint of the constabulary being in the
             immediate vicinity.  And hope they don't hear a hundred
             people screaming "What happened to the lights?", "I can't
             see a thing!" and "Whoever that is, get your hand off me!"

         15) Keep your pets safe out of harm's way.  They will
             probably agree with this.

         16) Purchase plenty of provisions in advance so that people
             don't have to get lost somewhere in suburbia for hours in
             search of an open bottle shop.

         17) To deal with the neighbors, either buy them a family
             pack of earplugs or invite them to get sloshed with everyone
             else.

%2R08
Title:    New York City, New York, USA, Earth
Author:   Warren Kurt vonRoeschlaub  ([e-mail])
Written:  17/01/1993
Content:  Real
Summary:  New York, a lousy place to visit, but somebody has to live there.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Almanacs list New York as the fifth largest city on Earth.  Of course, that
is only if you count Tokyo and Yokohama as one city, which isn't really fair
even if they are right across the river from each other.  So any reasonable
person would say New York was the fourth largest city on Earth.

One can separate New York into five Boroughs: Manhattan, Queens, Bronx,
Brooklyn, and Staten Island.  Each of these has its own levels of interest,
danger, and people who try to wash your car windows even if you don't want
them to because you'd just washed the car anyway.

Manhattan --

This island is the most famous part of New York.  Current theories suggest
that Manhattan is a scientific experiment to determine how long it takes for
people to turn a seven mile long island into a solid cube of buildings.  If
it were not for Central Park, this most certainly would have already
happened.

Since this is the part of New York that everybody thinks about when you say
New York, it may be where you want to stay for your trip.  It is, in some
areas, one of the safest places to be in New York.  This means it is about
as safe as sticking a lighted blowtorch in your mouth after having chugged a
few liters of 87 octane gasoline.

Queens --

This area is one of the less developed areas of New York, being only as
densely populated as Des Moines, Iowa, provided the entire population of Des
Moines lived on the same block.  Queens sits entirely on Long Island, which,
as you may have guessed, is rather long.

There is absolutely nothing worth seeing in Queens, so don't go there unless
you don't like to lie to your friends and want to tell them you spent your
vacation in Jamaica.  You can honestly say you went to Jamaica, which is on
an island and where they talk with an unusual accent, walk about in exotic
outfits, have strange hairdos, and listen to music even the most serious rug
user would not be able to write, much less enjoy.

Bronx --

The Bronx is probably the least safe place to be in New York.  It is well
known by the inhabitants that if your car is struck by another car in the
Bronx, you should never get out of the car, or even acknowledge what
happened.  This holds even if the impact was great enough to cave in the
side of your car, rupture all tires (including the spare), and sever two of
your major arteries.

A hitchhiker killed in the Bronx will be referred to, by police, as a
suicide victim.  This is one of the more sure ways of committing suicide,
only surpassed in sureness by stripping down to your underwear and climbing
inside the reactor at Three Mile Island.  And even that is not as quick.

Brooklyn --

Brooklyn is most famous for its many bridge salesmen.  This should be a
definite stop on any sightseeing tour.  To fit in better with the local
population, you may wish to speak like them.  One of the simplest ways to
speak with a Brooklyn accent is to put a bag of marbles in your mouth and
gargle Drain-O for ten minutes.

If you go to Brooklyn, purchase a map first.  Manhattan is easy to navigate
since most of the streets are in a grid.  Queens is a little more confusing
because it uses street names instead of numbers.  Brooklyn, on the other
hand, is yet another example of how severe drug use can effect the city
planning council.

If you should enter Brooklyn without a map, don't bother asking the people
you see on the street.  Chances are they are just as lost.

Staten Island --

This island has expended considerable energy in an attempt to sever
themselves from New York, and who can blame them.  The only reason they have
been unable to do so is that the public realizes the only other option is to
be a part of New Jersey.

To get to Staten Island one must either take the Verrazano Narrows Bridge or
the Staten Island ferry.  As the bridge tolls require a small bank loan and
your first-born child, the ferry may be a better choice for the cost-
conscious hitchhiker.  This ferry can provide hours of entertainment,
provided you prefer slasher movies.

Where to stay:

Considering the overall costs, you have several options:

         1) Find a warm grating.  This is a rather popular choice.
            It became so popular in the past few years that the New
            York City planning commission has installed many new
            grates.  While these grates provide an absolute boon for
            you and ten thousand of your fellow bunkmates, they also
            provide a rather serious hazard to any female hitchhikers
            who like to wear high-heels.  You may be worried that the
            people near you on the grate are criminals.  This is not
            true.  Careful research by the city has shown that most of
            them were just thrown out of mental asylums.

         2) Sleep in your van or car.  This option is quite expensive,
            as parking in New York costs as much as a small villa in the
            rustic portion of many European countries.  This is also
            somewhat more dangerous than strapping yourself to meat and
            falling into a pit-bull kennel.  In most cities you would
            not expect your hubcaps to remain after a night on the street,
            but in New York, be surprised if the frame is still there in
            the morning.

         3) Rent an inexpensive hotel.  The hotels in this category
            can easily be located: just look for any building with the
            sign "low hourly rates" outside.  Many people refuse to try
            these places because they feel they are cockroach-infested
            piles of safety and health violations.  Nothing could be
            further from the truth.  No self-respecting cockroach would
            be caught dead in a place like that, and safety and health
            inspectors never check them, so how could they possibly be
            in violation?

         4) Go to the Ritz.  Considering the extreme costs involved, I
            recommend the following methods of getting a room.  Hang out
            in the hallway until some guests leave their room, then sneak
            in and get some sleep before they come back from a night of
            partying.  Borrow some mountain climbing gear, scale the
            outside of the building, and locate an unoccupied room to spend
            the night in.  Pay the manager with monopoly money, and hope he
            does not notice until morning.  In any of the above cases, if
            they catch you, act surprised, and try your best to sound as
            if you are an immigrant from an underdeveloped third-world
            country who doesn't know any better.  Or better yet, pretend
            you are from the Bronx.

Where to eat:

The answer to this is quite simple.  Do not eat food sold from carts on the
street unless you enjoy eating deceased house pets.  Do not eat at any
restaurant with a front of more the five meters unless your last name is
Kennedy or Vanderbilt.  Do not eat in any bar, unless it is prepackaged
preprocessed food with preparation instructions containing no word over two
syllables.

If you are going to eat, eat pizza.  No, don't have pizza one night and then
wonder what you will eat the rest of the time, eat only pizza.  The pizza in
New York is some of the best pizza in the world, and is one of the only safe
foods in New York unless you are a native and have built up an immunity.
The recommendation is to have pizza morning, noon, and night.

The best pizza in New York is between 70th and 80th street on the east side
of Manhattan.  This pizza is so good that many people have been known to
fall into a coma caused by continual stimulation of the pleasure center of
the brain.  In the Bronx, people are killed for drug money, but on the upper
east side people are killed for pizza money.

If you must eat something else, go to a deli.  They will charge about five
times the cost of the same food in a supermarket, but the food can be quite
good.  The best delis are ones that are halfway below ground.  If it takes
more than five steps to get down to it, back up.  If the deli is flush with
the sidewalk, have your credit card ready.

There are two kinds of delis in New York: Italian and Jewish.  If you go to
a Jewish deli, do not miss tasting the New York bagels.  These are true
bagels, well worth any cost (between fifty cents and a dollar each usually).
The bagels are so popular, you can even get them in some Chinese
restaurants.  In Italian delis the meatball hero is usually safe.  Be
prepared for the enormous amount of grease you are about to consume first,
however.

What to see:

The World Trade Center (AKA, the Twin Towers).  I highly recommend that you
not waste the time and money going here.  The money you save from the
elevator ride to the top will be enough to pay for your children's college
tuition.  There is nothing to see once you are at the top as pollution and
fog hide everything in the distance, the glass windows are always smeared
with grease from the faces of thousands of gawkers, and the observation deck
on the roof is pulled so far back from the edge that it is surprising you
can see any part of the ground at all.  The Empire State Building charges a
much more reasonable fee, and you can hang over the edge of the observation
deck if you want to (not recommended).

The Stock Market (AKA, Wall Street).  Wall Street itself is a rather boring
sight as most of the buildings are being refaced at any given time.  On the
other hand, the Stock Market can provide hours of entertainment.  Watching
traders wade through knee deep piles of paper, barging through densely
packed crowds, and occasionally collapsing due to a missed appointment for a
coronary bypass can be fun and enlightening.  Few people really know how
many times a person must be trodden on before they suffer internal damage
until they watch the Stock Market for a few hours.

The Federal Reserve (AKA, the Fed).  While Fort Knox contains the United
States gold reserve, the Fed contains the gold of other countries.  When a
country sells arms to another country, the money transfer is usually made by
moving gold from one bin in the Fed to another.  There are several guided
tours that will take you to see the bins of gold bricks for yourself.  As a
joke, you may want to try slipping a gold painted brick into one of the
bins. Just imagine the look on the face of the French ambassador when he
tries to explain that one.

The Statue of Liberty.  If you wish to go to the top of the Statue of
Liberty, I suggest the following plan.  As the ferry pulls up to the island,
leap across the gap before it pulls in, and run to the statue.  Take the
stairs to the top of the pedestal (the elevators take too long) and run up
the spiral staircase to the head.  You will have about three seconds of
viewing time before eight million people show up and form a line.  Note that
even this will not work if it is a busy day.  Be careful of the guy at the
ferry station who will squash your pennies in a printing press for money.

The Museum of Natural History.  A good place to go if you like to see a
great deal of stuffed animals.  If you don't, there is still the dinosaur
room.

Hayden Planetarium.  This place, in itself, is not particularly exciting.
However, there is a wonderful store just two blocks north of it called the
bone shop.  If you were visiting the Museum of Natural History and wished
you could fill your house with stuffed endangered species and carefully
reassembled skeletons, then this is a place to visit.  For reasonable prices
you can buy insects trapped in amber, eggs of birds ranging from sparrow to
ostrich, stuffed animals (including a Dodo Bird), and skeletons.  They
even sell human skulls.

The Museum of Modern Art.  This museum is rather large; do not be surprised
if you end up wandering about for several days.  Because of its popularity,
all signs appear in several languages.  Unfortunately English is not one of
them.

The Bronx Zoo.  If you hitchhike to the Bronx Zoo, make sure the car you get
in is going all the way there.  Never should you ever let a driver drop you
off in the Bronx itself.  If this situation arises, ride with the driver to
his or her destination, even if it is Chicago.  Do not visit the zoo between
November and March unless you are a cage salesman and want to examine some
of the samples at the zoo.  Do not visit between March and June unless you
want to see what it feels like to live in Hong Kong.

Where to shop:

Avoid all stores that say they are going out of business.  These stores will
probably outlast your grandchildren, and then some.  If, for any reason, you
feel morally obligated not to purchase stolen goods, avoid all people
selling things on the street for 75% of their cost.  Please note that all
items sold in the street for 50% or less of their usual cost are probably
not stolen, but were found in a dumpster behind a store, thrown out because
they were faulty and had already claimed the lives of at least four
families.  If you are a real thrill seeker, try this out.

Do not go to the back of any shop narrower than a really fat guy, otherwise
you might as well hand your wallet to the nearest thief and save yourself
the trouble.  If you are shopping at a food stand, don't buy anything out
front if there is also some inside the store.

The best stores are on the west side of Manhattan, between 50th and 85th
street.  For the stores in this area, the best ones are the shallowest.  If
a store is less than four meters deep it is most likely a fantastic store.
If it is ten meters deep it is an okay store, and if it is thirty meters
deep avoid it like the plague.  Reverse these rules elsewhere in New York.

Another good place to shop is in the lower section of Manhattan where the
streets are still numbered, but using numbers between 14 and 20.  The ones
in the vicinity of Broadway tend to be especially good.  Books are probably
the most popular item in the area.

Getting around:

Unless you are Rambo or Bruce Lee, it is highly recommended you avoid the
subway.  If you insist on the "New York experience" and decide to take the
subway, avoid the upper half of the blue and green lines, and the entire L
line, which is buried so deep that they had to get a variance from Satan to
build it.  Whatever you do, do not give a subway musician more than $1
unless you would like to spend the rest of your visit surrounded by out of
work accordion players.

Taxi cabs are often a good choice for trips that are too far to walk or pass
through bad areas (which is most of New York).  Despite rumors, taxis are
not expensive, and are often very quick.  The taxi driver will not bother
you with long winded conversations about the benefits of certain hemorrhoid
creams, mainly because there is little or no chance that you both happen to
speak the same language.  Tip the taxi driver at least 10% or the cab may
pull away before you are completely out of it.  Do not tip the taxi driver
more than 20% or he will follow you around all day.

Buses are usually a good intermediate choice.  They tend to be rather safe,
and cost only as much as the subway.  The main problem is twofold; if you
don't know exactly where the bus is, they will not tell you.  There are no
signs, messages, or announcements telling you where you are, so memorize the
bus route map while waiting for it to arrive.  The buses usually run north-
south or east-west, and unless there is an amazing coincidence, you will
inevitably need to transfer.  Even if you don't think you will transfer,
take a transfer slip anyway; you can always hock it to somebody.

%2R09
Title:    How To Avoid Being Mugged In New York
Author:   Warren Kurt vonRoeschlaub  ([e-mail])
Written:  17/01/1993
Content:  Real
Summary:  Hints to help you keep what little you have
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

After years of study, sociologists have determined that the two biggest
causes of muggings in New York are muggers and tourists.  Since you will be
unable to affect the first (indeed, even the local police have given up on
that endeavor), the second option is the only factor that you can alter to
reduce the chances of being mugged.

Since the second big factor in muggings is tourists, and because if you are
not a native to New York, then you are by definition a tourist; the easiest
way to avoid being mugged in New York is to not go there.  If you insist on
visiting, the second best way is to act like a native New Yorker.  This
involves keeping the following principals in mind.

         1) Dress like a native.  This means no funny hats, no
            matter how hard a member of your group may whine and
            call you a party pooper.  It is also extremely foolish
            to where brightly colored shirts, shorts no matter how
            hot it is, or those really big joke sunglasses they
            sell on practically every street corner.

         2) Don't gawk.  New York invites itself to gawking, either
            at the tall buildings, the strange looking people, or
            the unusual street displays.  Not to mention the guy
            standing in the middle of Park Avenue during rush hour
            urinating on a parked Mercedes.  Don't stare.  The
            native New Yorker has grown so accustomed to the
            unusual that they think David Lynch isn't very creative
            and Salvador Dali was a realist.  Never act surprised,
            even if a man who obviously hasn't had a bath since the
            Nixon administration tries to attract your attention by
            dropping his pants and singing "Born Free" in falsetto.

         3) Never, ever, go into an alley without a fully loaded
            M16 and at least two hand grenades at the ready.  Even
            then you may be out armed.

         4) When on a street, never buy anything for less than half of
            what it would cost in a store, because this may just be an
            attempt to get you to pull out your wallet.  If you do take
            your wallet out of your pocket or purse on the street, be
            sure you have at least two friends to block anybody running by.

         5) Never enter a park without an armed escort, and even
            then not after dark.  Note that some parks are only
            three or four square meters; this does not make them
            safer.  Remarkably, Central Park is an exception to
            this.  Despite its reputation, Central Park is one of
            the safest parks to visit during the day.  The safest
            safe place is the southernmost four blocks.

         6) Don't enter any portion of the subway without at least
            two people who obviously don't know each other already
            in it.  A careful study has shown that the safety of
            entering an empty part of the subway alone is somewhere
            between ramming a poker through your skull and eating a
            plate of ground glass for breakfast.

Parts of the city to avoid:

         - All of it.

         - Any part of Manhattan above 110th street, or above 90th
           street after dark.  This area is commonly known as the
           death zone.

         - Any part of the Bronx south of Maine.  Not the street,
           the state.

         - Queens, near the airport, and along the river.  Also any
           area where the number of burnt out buildings is larger
           than the number of people on the street.  That is to
           say almost the whole of Queens.

         - Staten Island, anywhere near the ferry landings or on
           the edge of a freeway that runs through a ditch.  Most
           of the freeways on Staten Island do.

         - Brooklyn, everywhere if you are in a car.  If you are not
           in a car, the waterfront and airport areas are good places
           to avoid.

What to do if you are being mugged:

Do not shout "Help, police!" as studies have shown this causes police to
flee from you while at the same time attracting even more muggers.  If you
want the mugger to be stopped shout "Hey, this guy is giving away free
money!"

If you know martial arts, don't use them.  Nine times out of ten a guy with
a gun beats a martial arts expert, regardless of what you have seen in the
latest Chuck Norris picture.

If someone in a car grabs your bag, let go.  Each year three people are
killed in drive-by bag snatchings.  This is mainly because there are only
about three people born each year stupid enough to hold onto their bag while
they are being dragged around the streets of New York.  If you wear a purse,
do not wrap it around your neck thinking it will be harder to steal, or you
will be person number four.

Do not put your wallet in your back pocket.  Besides it being easier to
steal, any chiropractor will tell you that it ruins your posture.  It isn't
very good for your pants either, so keep your wallet in your front pocket.

Common mugging methods:

A pickpocket never works alone; there are always at least three people: a
blocker, a snatcher, and a shill.  The blocker forces you to stand still
long enough for the snatcher to grab your wallet and then pass it off to the
shill in case you notice it is missing.  If a person blocks your way, and
pretends to move out of the way while still blocking you, there is a very
high probability your wallet is being snatched.  When this happens, if you
immediately turn around and physically attack the person standing directly
behind you there is a small chance you will get your wallet back, depending
on whether the wallet has been passed off or not.  This has worked at least
once in the past.

If a person, for any reason, asks you to come into an alley, do not do it.
The most common method is to suggest that you will be able to purchase a
gold necklace for under ten dollars.  It is very tempting to enter an alley
for such a good deal, but rest assured you have better chances getting a
lawyer to worry about morals than buying that necklace.  If there are less
than three armed people waiting for you in the alley then the person was
new at the job.

Do not get involved with any betting on the street.  Even if you, by some
great miracle of chance, happen to win at any of the fine sidewalk betting
tables, rest assured you will never be able to claim your winnings.  Look
about you as you walk past any of these, and note any people over two meters
tall and 120 kilos.  These people almost certainly are there to separate any
lucky fellow from the table before the winnings are claimed.

If you feel a gun barrel in your back, it is okay to relax.  Almost every
time, it turns out that this "gun barrel" is really just a short piece of
piping.  However, due to the small chance it is not a pipe it is a good idea
to hand over your wallet anyway.  New York is surpassed only by Washington
DC and Dallas for its murder rate, and Washington DC doesn't count because
that's where all the politicians are.

%2R10
Title:    Classification Of Religions
Author:   Warren Kurt vonRoeschlaub  ([e-mail])
Written:  09/06/1992
Content:  Real
Summary:  Classification method for religions
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Years ago scholars attempted to collect information on all the religions in
the known galaxy.  While the attempt itself proved useless, it did provide a
system of classification for religions.  To get a quick understanding of any
given religion it is helpful to learn this simple classification method.

Each religion identifier consists of a string of numbers, letters, and
hyphens for quickly locating certain attributes.  I highly recommend all
those writing articles about any religion to use this classification scheme
so that the average person can find quickly exactly what the religion
entails without the difficulty of reading the entire text.  The scheme also
offers itself to a good ordering for the text of any religion.

The first digit of the classification number represents the number of
deities the religion has, followed by a letter indicating the type.  Omit
the letter if the first digit is 0.

         A) All powerful, all knowing benevolent
         B) All powerful, but one can usually pull pranks due to
            lack of all knowingness.
         C) All knowing, but who the hell really cares due to lack
            of all powerfulness.
         D) Neither all knowing nor all powerful, but just kind of there.
         E-H) Same as above, but malevolent
         I) Whoever happens to be leader of the people at the time
         J) Everything and everybody is part of the god
         K) Everything and everybody, except for people members of
            the religion don't like, is part of god
         L) God is a head of lettuce named Ralph

The next digit represents what is expected after death by the following
chart:

         0) Everybody goes to a nice place
         1) Members of the religion go to a nice place, everybody
            else goes to an unpleasant place
         2) Members of the religion go to an unpleasant place,
            everybody else goes to a nice place
         3) Everybody goes to an unpleasant place
         4) Nobody goes anywhere
         5) Really bad people are forced to work in all night
            convenience stores in New Jersey
         6) Everybody is reincarnated
         7) Only people who deserve punishment are reincarnated

The letter immediately following that represents the organization of the
religion.  A representing very organized, Z representing chaos.  Follow this
by a hyphen to make it easier to find the next section.

The next number represents the percentage of members that are named "Bubba".
Do this on a scale from 0 to 9, with 0 meaning that nobody is named Bubba
and 9 meaning that everyone is named Bubba.  Southern Baptists are rated a 5
and the First Congregational Church of Bubba is a 9.

The next letter indicates how policy is decided, if no letter is listed then
there is no policy:

         A) Handed down from a single source
         B) Voted upon by a collection of elders
         C) Voted upon by everybody
         D) Chosen by a random number generator
         E) Determined by careful computer analysis
         F) Determined by combatants representing each view playing
            Super Mario Brothers
         Z) Nobody has ever tried to change the policy, so nobody
            knows just yet

Then follows a digit representing the number of ways one can spell the name
of the religion.

The next letter represents the place where the religion holds its meetings:

         A) No meetings
         B) A building set aside for the purpose
         C) A building which is also the gym for the local high school
         D) Outside
         E) In an airport or bus terminal
         F) In a submarine
         G) In a graveyard or mausoleum
         F) In a bathtub or jacuzzi

If ever the standards to any of these above constraints are unknown, the use
of a question mark is preferred.

Examples:

Atheism: 04Z-11A
Buddhism: 1J7M-2Z2B
Calvinism: 1A1B-0B1B
Catholicism: 1A1A-1A1B
Hare Krishna: 1J7C-3A4E
Episcopalianism: 1??M-0B1B

%2R11
Title:    Flying
Author:   Paul Jason Clegg  ([e-mail])
Written:  04/09/1992
Content:  Real
Summary:  The concept of staying aloft.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Flying" is the term given to any object that just happens to be changing
it coordinate location without treading on a solid surface, or liquid
medium, but most definitely within the boundaries of an atmosphere.  Some
may also say that extra-atmospheric travel is also a form of flight, which
it is, but most don't call it such, partially because the physical
principles are usually different, but mostly because they don't do it often
enough to warrant much discussion on the topic.

An object that is moving very, very fast, no matter what the medium of
travel is, is often considered "flying", though this is only a slang
implementation of the terminology.

Usually flight is achieved through one of two ways.  The first is that a
fixed wing design is implemented, such that great horizontal thrust applied
to the object creates what is known as "lift", and (usually) maintains the
vehicle's altitude.  The second is similar, except that instead of the wing
design remaining fixed, the wings actually rotate themselves, creating a
purely vertical lift.  Vehicles of the latter type are usually called
"helicopters", and the former, "airplanes".

Conceptually, it has been thought that flight may be achieved by falling,
and missing the ground.  The chance, however, of falling down and missing
the solid surface below you, is so nil as to make no odds, and this idea
has never been proven to any degree to even be believable.

%2R12
Title:    Solutions To Drinking Problems
Author:   Hanno Liem  ([e-mail])
Written:  02/10/1992
Content:  Real
Summary:  Common solutions to bar problems
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Any hitch-hiker who visits bars a lot can tell you that, in whatever
galaxy the bar is located, the problems one encounters when visiting one
(or more precisely, after one has visited one for quite some time) are
roughly the same all over the universe.

This article is meant to give some common solutions to these problems,
which can be quite useful for the unexperienced hitch-hiker...

PROBLEM                 CAUSE                           SOLUTION
-------                 -----                           --------
You have little fun     You have failed or for-         Take new glass
drinking and your       gotten to open your mouth,      and practice in
front feels damp.       or have put your glass          front of mirror
                        to a wrong opening in your      until your drin-
                        head.                           king technique
                                                        is perfected.

Beer does not taste     Glass is empty.                 Find a person
as usual, but instead                                   willing to buy
is pale and bright.                                     one or more
                                                        drinks.

Feet are becoming       Glass is held upside-down.      Turn glass either
cold and wet.                                           clockwise or
                                                        counterclockwise,
                                                        until open side
                                                        is facing up.

Feet are becoming       Inaccurate/inappropriate        Complain with
warm and wet.           bladder control.                the owner of the
                                                        nearest dog to
                                                        save face.

Head is becoming        Karim van Veen from             Find other partner
cold and wet.           Zoeterwoude, Holland is         for conversation.
                        "talking" to you.

Bar is passing by.      Not true. Someone is            Are you being
                        carrying you somewhere.         carried to the
                                                        next bar?  No?
                                                        Protest clearly.

Opposite wall looks     You have fallen backward.       Have yourself tied
the same as the                                         to the bar.
ceiling.

All is dark and         You have fallen forward.        See previous ans-
your mouth is full of                                   wer.
glass and ash and
cigarettes.

You can't see right,    EMERGENCY! You are looking      Have glass refilled
everything is blurry.   through an empty glass.         as soon as possible.

Beer tastes strange     You have mistaken ashtray       Give up smoking.
and contains solid      for glass.
objects.

You are staring at      You are sitting on the floor.   Find empty stool
something dark and                                      or pick up own
you have lost your                                      stool.
glass.


%2R13
Title:    Clegg, Paul Jason
Author:   Paul Jason Clegg  ([e-mail])
Written:  05/01/1993
Content:  Real
Summary:  Just a frood who knows where his towel is
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paul Jason Clegg was born sometime in the afternoon of July 28th, 1973,
Earth time.  He was born in an entirely uninteresting city known as
Vineland, New Jersey, USA, Earth.  But that's in the past, and,
unfortunately, cannot be changed.

Paul, however, does hold the distinction of being Editor number 1 for
Project Galactic Guide, and holds the non-corporeal position of general
coordinator for the same project.

This is probably the only thing special about Paul; he currently stands
at a tall, but not entirely unnatural height of 6.25 feet, and weighs
a completely unimportant 155 pounds, depending on the time of day and
day of year.  His education has amounted to, at this point, three
semesters of study at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, majoring in
Computer Science, and maintaining a semi-respectable grade point average.

His past achievements include, but are not limited to, attending the
New Jersey's Governor's School program (math and science division) in
the summer of 1990, and in being the youngest person to ever pass any
and several college courses at Cumberland County College.  The latter
achievements included passing a course in BASIC programming at the age
of ten, a course in electronics at age eleven, and a course in "College
Math" at age twelve.  He also passed a course in Pascal programming at
age 16, but that isn't nearly as impressive.

Paul's interests vary; he particularly likes science fiction books, TV
shows, and movies, he listens to almost all kinds of music, though he
tends to shun country western, rap, dance/club music, and the "big band"
sounds of old.  His favorite musical group, by far, is Queen.  Paul's
hobbies include computer programming, role-playing games, painting
miniatures, playing wargames, and working on Project Galactic Guide, the
latter of which he's put entirely too much effort into already.

You can contact Paul currently via electronic mail, addressing your
message to "[e-mail]" (sans quotes).

%2R14
Title:    Country Music
Author:   Paul Jason Clegg  ([e-mail])
Written:  06/01/1993
Content:  Real
Summary:  Mostly Uninteresting
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Country music (sometimes called "Country Western," though that's basically
redundant but those who listen to it usually don't care about redundancy,
or care about it, either) is hard to characterize.  Unless you like it,
you hate it intensely.  If you like it, you probably hate everything else
intensely.  While several country music groups have tried to slide their
style into a more acceptable niche, they've only met with limited success.

If you see people playing music, you can probably calculate that they are
playing country music if you sense an inordinate number of cowboy boots,
cowboy hats, women with chunky thighs, sequins, tassels, and fringe.  The
elderly also seems to be a prevalent subsection of the audience for
country music.

If you take pride in your ability to be sensical, sane, and generally
happy, you have been warned to stay away from country music.

%2R15
Title:    Vineland, New Jersey, USA, Earth
Author:   Paul Jason Clegg  ([e-mail])
Written:  06/01/1993
Content:  Real
Summary:  The nowhere in the middle of everything
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vineland is an entirely uninteresting town/city.  While it is the largest
city in New Jersey by land area, it isn't nearly as big population-wise.
It's located smack in the middle of the New Jersey peninsula, in the middle
of the area known by the locals as "South Jersey" (those who live in "North
Jersey" are ignorant of any land south of Trenton, and therefore their
concept of "South Jersey" is between the horizontal line starting at Camden
and the north to Trenton).

The inhabitants of Vineland range from the poor to the rich, with members
of almost every possible culture.  A few years ago, the local high school
had calculated that one-half of the students who attended were of a
minority, the other half being caucasian.

The main street through the city, Landis Avenue, has deteriorated to being
a way to get from point A to point B with lots of traffic lights in between.
The businesses that are situated there usually cater to the center city
residents, who are usually low-income minorities.  There are, however, lots
of suburbs where the income is generally average to above average, and
there are even more than a handful of "mansions" scattered about.

There are several small motels in the area, but most of them are somewhat
filled by homeless people that the city has put there "temporarily."  There
is a Ramada Inn just off of route 55, but this hitchhiker has never actually
gone in to investigate.  The Inn's outward appearance is good, however, so
it is probably a good place to stay if you need to stay at all and can
afford to do so.

There is only one "highway" that leads out of Vineland; route 55 leads from
Vineland north-northwest towards Camden and Philadelphia.  Other than that,
the nearest major highways are at least a half-hour drive by motorized
vehicle; to the north is the Atlantic City Expressway, travelling east-west
between Philadelphia and Atlantic City, to the east is the Garden State
Parkway, running north-south along the coast, and to the west there are
quite a few major highways, most notably the New Jersey Turnpike which
runs north-south between Wilmington (Delaware) and New York City (New York).

Don't hitchhike through Vineland; it's not worth it.  And definitely not at
night.

Places of interest:  I counted at least three McDonald's, two Burger Kings,
one Roy Roger's, one Friendly's, one Pizza Hut, and two Domino's Pizzas.
If you must stay and eat, good suggestions are Sammy J's, at the Shop-Rite
plaza on the northern end of Landis Avenue, and the Neptune, on Delsea
Drive.  The former is a retro-style ice cream parlor type of place that also
does very good, relatively quick meals.  The latter is a seafood restaurant
that you will want to sit down and wait for.

The only other redeeming feature of Vineland is that it's about an hour from
the Wilmington area of Delaware, about 2.5 hours from New York City, an hour
and a half from "North Jersey", an hour from the gambling areas of Atlantic
City (and, in fact, many of South Jersey's fine beaches), and an hour from
Philadelphia.

%2R16
Title:    Telephone Bills
Author:   Cem Unsal  ([e-mail])
Written:  13/01/1992
Content:  Real
Summary:  Information about a Terran communication device bill
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

For those who are familiar with Terran ways (Oh God! I'm a smart ass!),
phone bills are one of the most important parts of the daily, er, monthly
Terran life.  In a nutshell, you get the bill by mail (ie, Terran mail,
which is still performed by humanoids and with the use of 5 + 4 digit zip
codes, as in the primitive days of the central Galaxy), you open it up,
see the payment page, cry, and send the money (probably still crying,
depending on the number of digits in the "amount due" rectangle).

Don't even think about throwing the first page away; you're required to
"send it with your payment."  And it may not be such a sad experience;
you can still amuse yourself by filling the "amount paid" squares, say,
by different colors.  This page is also the most important and
"informant" page of your bill.  It has your name (or your roommate's
name), your phone number with an additional 5 digits, your address (by
the way, you can learn the additional 4 digits of your zip code from
your phone bill... or from any other bill for that matter; remember,
this is the information age around this planet), a couple of parallel
lines, horizontal and vertical, which are -- I'm sure -- really
important, and a fairly long number at the bottom, with 59 digits.

For those who are now taken by the dark forces of curiosity, let me
explain to you what all this stuff is, although I'm not sure about the
exact nature of this final number myself.

The first three digits don't make any sense to you (or me); the next
three digits are your area code (ie, your phone's area code); then,
an unnecessary zero and your phone number, followed by three familiar
numbers from your account number.  Then, a couple (actually, four) of
nonsense digits and the last two digits of your account.  Then comes three
zeros and six mystery digits, a "train" of zeros with the amount
due embedded in it (14436 in "this" case).  Why 59 digits, you ask?
It is proved in [1] that 59 digits are sufficient to represent all
communication accounts in sixteen parallel universes.  If you can
bring yourself to see the other pages after you digest the total
amount due, the next page is Page One.  (Thus, we conclude payment = 0;
therefore, for any real n, (n * payment) = 0, which makes sense in most
cases.)

Page One shows your last bill total, your previous payment, and current
charges.  If your last bill total -- your previous payment -- is zero, you
get a "thank-you-for-your-payment" message.  "Current charges" shows you
local and long-distance totals (by the way, on Earth, long distance doesn't
mean what it sounds, probably because no one has tried to call a number
in any other galaxy) and concludes with "Subtotal" which is actually
the over-all total.

Then comes the second (third) page, which is some type of a manual to your
phone bill.  It explains (in "this" specific example your author tries
to understand) those nice little "amount paid" boxes on the first, no,
zero'th page.  That is "important information."

OK, now we're looking at Page Three.  The local call charges are shown:
monthly charges, services not regulated by the State Corporated Commission
(which means you're paying this amount for nothing), federal subscriber line
charge (which I, myself, wasn't able to understand), local 911 tax, relay
center surcharge (which seems highly unnecessary) and, local and federal
taxes.  You may be lost at this point.  They know you are, that's why they
explain that you can call the number on this page and ask.  "They are
easiest to reach on Tues through Thurs."  (What are Tues and Thurs?  Write
it correctly, guys, you have three more -- empty -- lines below.)

Page Four comes with two unnecessary lines of "rate key" and that's it.
And this the work of the people who try to save some paper by typing
"Tues" instead of "Tuesday."

Page Five summarizes long distance calls and includes federal tax, state
and local surcharges (which, I believe, should read "sur^3charges".  Aren't
we surcharged somewhere on Page Three?)  Pages Six through Ten list your
long distance calls: time, place, number, whatever.  (By the way, all these
numbers can change, especially on the last part since not much of you guys
call long distance more than me.)  Check these pages carefully; you won't
believe your eyes ("Call to NYC at 01:55am?"; "Who talked to Turkey for 42
minutes?  Oh, OK, that's mine"; "Where the hell is Kensington?"; "Hey guys,
this means that we used the phone non-stop for four-and-a-half hours on
Nov. 18th, nice!"; "God! I can't believe I called this guy in Pittsburgh 11
times in December!"; "What is this?  Got an 'F' next to it and it still
costs me 3 dollars!" [Remember it's never late to switch back]) [2].

At the end of the long distance list, you get the definitions of the
abbreviations which you may encounter while trying to figure out what
is/was/will be what. ("Hey, this 'V' means 'free speech call.' How come we
never get one of these?  And, what is the exact meaning of 'free speech call'
anyway?  Does this mean we can say whatever we want?")

And on Page Ten, a word from your long distance company... You can send
your friends and family gift certificates instead of -- simply -- calling
them.  And, also lots of registered mark signs.  Some guy came up with the
phrase "calling circle" and it's a registered trademark.  What can I say?
Brilliant!  Ah, and this number for gift certificates... 1-800-395-GIVE.
Why not make it easier to remember, something like... 1-800-111-GIVE,
1-800-MCI-GIVE, or 1-800-ASS-****.  ("Come on guys, you're the phone
company!")  "Thank you and happy holidays from MCI friends and family."
Oh-oh, not that close, you're just my long distance carrier, that's all.

Hey, they even provide the envelope!

[1] M.S. Lauren, K.H. Zupta, "An application of large number theory and
    stochastic processes: Bell Atlantic Phone Bills", Trans. Comm. Syst.
    40(1987)576.

[2] "Life on the Communication Devices: Selected horror stories" Ed.
    by C. Unsal,  pp.101-114,  Xtrablatrum & Descendants Pub. Ltd. 1992.

%2R17
Title:    Watermelon Rituals
Author:   David McGregor Squire  ([e-mail])
Written:  22/12/1992
Content:  Real
Summary:  Another bizarre watermelon ritual, this time from the antipodes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here is another ritualistic use of Watermelons, also practiced on Earth,
albeit "downunder."  But first, some background.

At Melbourne University (Melbourne, Victoria, Australia), there are
several residential colleges.  These colleges play sport against each other.
Now, this serves several purposes.  First, there are those members of the
college who enjoy the playing the sport involved.  For them, the sport is an
end in itself.  Second, there are those who wish to use the sport as a means
of being noticed (by the opposite sex, the same sex, or perhaps even the
Master).  These sorts of things are no doubt much the same the world over.

The most important reason for the playing of sport, however, is that it
gives the non-participating members of the colleges involved the opportunity
to dress up in their college's colors and scream abuse at each other -
immense fun.  This activity can be most agreeably combined with - ALCOHOL.

This behavior reaches its pinnacle on Men's Rowing Day.  The rowing takes
place on the Yarra River in the center of Melbourne.  It is compulsory
(almost) for all members of the rowing colleges to lash all lectures,
pracs, etc. for the day, dress up, put on face paint etc. in college
colors, assemble on the banks of the river, sing songs, and get
mind-buggeringly drunk.

One college, of which I am a member (and have been for years), is called
Queen's.  Queen's is a puzzle to the other colleges, who amuse themselves by
trying to get the members of other colleges wet, and attempting to drown out
the other's songs, perhaps even by (shudder) throwing things at each other.
A couple of years ago, Queen's decided to cut out the middle man and stuff
themselves up, thus assuring themselves of the title "Messiest College
on the Crescent".  This is where (finally) the watermelons come in.

Someone from Queen's brought a watermelon to the rowing.  It was opened
(presumably with a knife).  So far so normal.  The pieces were then
distributed amongst various drunken Queener's (residents of Queen's).  Now,
no-one is exactly sure why what happened next happened.  The pieces were
head-butted.  There ensued an orgastic frenzy of melon-butting, and the air
was filled with a fine red mist of melon juice.  Melon segments were
enthusiastically smashed over peoples heads by their mates, and the red
juice covered their faces and matted their hair.  This single-melon incident
spawned the ritual that now takes place.

Trailer-loads of watermelons are procured by senior members of Queen's and
delivered to the river early on Men's Rowing Day.  At intervals throughout
the day, the Melon-Butting Ritual takes place.  Melons are broken open and
the pieces solemnly distributed.  Freshmen allow the senior members of
College to have the biggest, juiciest pieces.  The Melon-Butters (mostly
male) form orderly lines, and the President of the College gives the
command: "Queener's - Butt your melons".  Each Melon-Butter slams his melon
piece onto the top of his head in unison, and melon juice sprays
magnificently over the nearest spectators.  The lines then break up and
people hold the remnants of their melon for others to butt.  This is all
done with great enthusiasm and evident enjoyment.

The biggest, toughest bloke in a given year may them perform the most
impressive melon-ritual -- the butting open of a whole, uncut, watermelon.
He needs to have a hard head and a strong neck, and to be absolutely pissed
out of his mind.

The students of other colleges simply stare in disbelief.  They have no
comeback.  How can you abuse a bunch of people who do *that* to themselves?

%2R18
Title:    Windows
Author:   Alex Miller  ([e-mail])
Written:  08/02/1993
Content:  Real
Summary:  Sure you can see through 'em, but so what?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Windows are important.  They fit in holes in the walls, so that there isn't
a draft.  They also allow us to see the outside world, where someone may be
stealing your brand-new, incredibly expensive car.

Why are windows made of glass?  Well, basically because glass is clear and
reasonably sturdy stuff.  Windows are typically made clear so that you are
able to see whether some guy is in fact stealing your car.  Of course, you
may ask, why were windows made clear before cars were invented to be stolen?
Frankly, it's a mystery.  Research is being conducted at several prestigious
universities.  Another important quality of glass is that it is much more
solid than, say, water.  If windows were made of water they just wouldn't
work right.

An unfortunate side-effect of the clearness of windows is the fact that the
guy stealing your car can also see whether or not you are sitting in your
office, watching him steal your car and getting a description of him.  This
is why many criminals carry guns.  This is also why many offices are now
equipped with multiple turret-mounted machine guns.  But that's another
story.  Anyway, this side-effect can be fixed in several ways, most
commonly by covering the interior of the window at times when the window
is really superfluous or unwished for.  Methods include drapes, shutters,
and venetian blinds.  (The people in Venice need blinds because they use
water for their windows.  This also why they have canals instead of streets.
I warned you that water just doesn't work right when used as a window.)
Another important method is one-sided glass.  This is really neat, because
you can only see through it one way.  No one is sure how this works either.

A popular style of window used for religious or decorative purposes is
stained glass, which combines pieces of colored glass in such a way as to
produce a pattern or picture.  When the light shines through the glass, a
pleasant (some say) image occurs.  Unfortunately, stained glass can rarely
be seen through.  This is why people who go to church are poor -- they
can't see people stealing their cars, and thus are forced ever lower on the
economic scale.

Windows are also significant when broken.  Often children are responsible
for this.  Occasionally, however, some irresponsible pilot breaks a certain
thing called the sound barrier, causing another thing called a sonic boom,
which can shatter windows.  (This is significant, but will not be discussed
here.)  Broken glass contains sharp edges and can be quite painful if
jabbed into any part of the body.  Do not try this unless you are really
stupid (I still wouldn't recommend it, even if you are stupid).

I find windows to be quite attractive and all together more useful than
quite a few other things, like chickens.

%2R19
Title:    IRC, Internet Relay Chat
Author:   Steven K. H. Siew  ([e-mail])
Written:  24/01/1993
Content:  Real
Summary:  Internet Relay Chat
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Also known as Sim Social Life, this virtual world of mindless chit
chat is currently only available to hitchhikers who manage to gain
access to the Internet.  Apart from being an almost complete waste of
bandwidth, IRC also serves to bring people of the rich world much
closer together.  Users of IRC are commonly known as "lusers"
(that's lusers with an U not an O) as demonstrated by the command
"/lusers"

*** There are 515 lusers and 195 invisible on 91 servers
*** 57 lusers have connection to the twilight zone
*** There are 251 channels.
*** I have 30 clients and 1 servers

And here female hitchhikers can enjoy "playing" with the lame IRC
guys without the fear of contracting any VD or viruses except, of
course, the RSI due to staring at the VDU too long or accidentally
catching a network virus or, even worse, horrible worms.

A good starting point for fellow hitchhikers is the channel #talk
where one can pick up conversations varying from diverse topics
ranging from movies to dinner talk, sex to tuition fees, name calling
to fishing, exams to programming, and so on.

A thing to be careful about for any hitchhikers going on the IRC is
that sometimes it's difficult to tell the sex of the other lusers.
Some male lusers have known to pretend to be a female for kicks.  Like
wise but not often, females do the same.

Lusers on the IRC are identified by their "nick"; for example: Internet,
Kalei, Hazel, drnobody, ramin, SIO, squell and so on.  The nick is
totally independent of their real name.  It's like a fantasy world
out there in IRC with gandalf, wintrmute, count0, aragorn, ford and
of course GOD around.

If you are a male, DO NOT, REPEAT, DO NOT choose a nick that sounds
like a female name unless you want sex-starved maniacs to pester you
about bodily pleasures of the most explicit kind.

\<Kalei> Inter: They say silly stuff like (these are DIRECT quotes)
"Hey Kalei, U feelin' horny tonight?"
\<Kalei> or "Kalei.  You have a beautiful name.  Come join me..."

... or worse (in fact more often worse).

In time you may become addicted to the IRC.  Repeat: the IRC is very
addictive, with thousand of computer faculties across the globe
banning IRC from their students.  Despite the efforts, this terminal
disease still manages to spread its crappy addictive time-wasting
urges into the hearts and souls of many young innocent users, turning
them into hardcore IRC lusers.  IF THIS DOES NOT FRIGHTEN YOU then
you are already hooked.

But there is worse to come.  Even if you are hooked for life, NEVER,
NEVER, NEVER under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES fall in love with another
luser.  The consequences are painful to say the least; this is
especially true if the one you fall in love is more than 1000 miles
away.  Before long you may find yourself singing:

  I would walk 500 miles
  And I would walk 500 more
  Just to see your face and lovely smile
  And to touch you where I can't before

Here is a transcript of an early IRC record by a drnobody on his home
brew IRC client by the name of ReTardis:

drnobody> Hello DD
drnobody> What does DD stand for?
:DD> Diamond Dave
drnobody> I have to perfect my ReTardis
:DD> kinda like Dave, a girl's best friend
drnobody> Lots of bugs
:DD> what the hell is a retardis
drnobody> really eccentric Tardis
drnobody> I hope you know what a Tardis is
:DD> *lost*
drnobody> Tardis = Time And Relative Dimension In Space
:DD> sorry no idea
drnobody> Don't you watch Dr Who?
:DD> OK what ever
drnobody> Actually ReTardis is an IRC Client
:DD> nope sorry I watch girls
drnobody> naked girls?
:DD> yeah when the beer flows freely on the boat
drnobody> what boat?
:DD> the boat I'm on now
drnobody> You are on a boat?
drnobody> How did you connect to irc?
:DD> cellular phone
drnobody> So cellular phone to university to irc eh?
:DD> that's the ticket
drnobody> Must have cost a lot
:DD> about 3 mil
drnobody> What's a mil?  Million or the local currency?
:DD> million
drnobody> Who's paying?
:DD> my dad
drnobody> Are you rich or what?
:DD> nah not really
drnobody> I have to reset all my controls
:DD> I own a 5000 acre ranch
drnobody> So what are you studying in University?
drnobody> you are not from Finland are you?
:DD> I don't go to school I design automation systems for Bryan Foods
:DD> no
drnobody> Where are you from then?
:DD> starkville ms is my home
drnobody> Where is ms?
:DD> where are you from
drnobody> Australia
:DD> ahh I'm from the USA
drnobody> Where in US?
:DD> state of mississippi
:DD> southern state
drnobody> Is your boat at sea or river
:DD> I'm on a river right now headed for my home port; just left the
gulf of mexico two weeks ago
drnobody> hold on I am trying to find it in the atlas
:DD> ok look at the southeast corner of the us
drnobody> I am still trying to find your place.
drnobody> Where is your home town?
:DD> have you found mississippi??
drnobody> Yes,
drnobody> How long have you been at sea?  or river?
:DD> my home is in the northeast corner of the state
drnobody> Near Tupelo?
drnobody> My atlas is not a very clear or detail one.
:DD> south of there
:DD> it is about 80 miles south of there
drnobody> Must be a nice place to live.
drnobody> What do you have on your ranch?
:DD> my home port is just north of columbus
:DD> cattle about 2000 head at present
drnobody> I only have Cleveland, Greensville, Greenwood, Yazoo City
drnobody> on the atlas.
drnobody> Hello world!
drnobody> DD: Is that your Boat?
:DD> do you see the river that runs from mobile, alabama (gulf)
to tennessee?
drnobody> Is that the Tombigbee river?
:DD> yes that's it
drnobody> OOH I get it.  Thanks
:DD> ahh starkvillian here
:DD> hmmm I don't think so; I don't go to school and I just moved here
about 6 months ago
drnobody> DD: Where are you originally from?  6 months ago?
:DD> Texas originally
drnobody> DD: own any oil?
:DD> my dad has 5 gas wells
drnobody> DD: You must have a very lucky Dad.
:DD> his dad before him was lucky
drnobody> DD: nice family
drnobody> DD: do you have to take up your family business?
:DD> well I'm into automation programming that is my work
drnobody> DD: sounds good.
drnobody> It's winter right now in Melbourne.
drnobody> Freezing cold!!!!!!


Here is a transcript of IRC as it is today on channel #talk:

IRC log started Sun Jan 24 02:19
*** Value of LOG set to ON
\<Sik> choo: too many duplicated bots oping eachother... not good
\<Mikeeb> nah I just read tin for junk mail
\<Nuclear> boba:  I have a bunch of lewd jokes someone keeps sending me...
\<Cholera> choo: I think bot makers get tired after awhile anyway.
\<Squell> pan..and what does he want?
*** Strubi ([e-mail]) has joined channel #talk
\<Strubi> hi there :)
\<Panadol> i bloody well LIVE street away from him... he jus wants to
meet you
\<BobaFettt> Nuclear send me anything
\<Squell> g'day sturbi
\<Smoovy> Hi, strubi!
\<Sik> hiya strubi
\<choo> cholera, and others then come instead of them
\<Mikeeb> Wish I got more mail though
\<Nuclear> boba:  would you like me to put you on my joke distribution list?
\<BobaFettt> Nuclear: I need to get a good grade in my class
\<Strubi> yoo sik ! how's life ? :)
\<Nuclear> Hey stubi
\<choo> and the total number rises up
\<Panadol> he makes a habit of meeting all the local irc girls rl
\<Strubi> hi everybody :)
\<Sik> strubi: life is so-so :/
\<Cholera> choo: I give choo..
\<choo> here, i'll go and coun tit out
\<Panadol> hiya strub:)
\<BobaFettt> Nuclear: Send me Everything you can
\<Squell> pan...ick..i dont know about that guy seems weird
\<Nuclear> boba non sequitur?
\<Strubi> sik, same here....wahhh
\<Cholera> choo: Go ahead and ban all the bots.  Im not going to
convince you, and you arent going to convince me,.
\<Nuclear> boba:  What are you taking, email 101? *rofl*
\<Panadol> no hes not weird, he jus wants to meet you
\<choo> brb
\<Squell> opan...when did he say that?
*** choo has left channel #talk
*** Action: Sik hugs cal
*** Action: Nuclear agrees with choo
\<Panadol> hes met every other local irc girl
\<BobaFettt> Nuclear: Computer Communications
\<cal> sik...:)
*** Mikeeb is now known as retregsf
\<Squell> pan..that guy seems really sly....sad case to be honest
*** Action: Shanny gives SIo a big hug and hopes he feels better
IRC Log ended *** Sun Jan 24 02:21

The future for IRC is hard to predict: will it forever be lost to
the mindless chatter of the nerds, or will it blossom into a more
weirder form of mass hallucination, or better still bring forth world
peace and understanding?  In the years to come IRC may even break
through the 1000 lusers barrier and let loose IRC on the world.

%2R20
Title:    Des Moines, Iowa, USA, Earth
Author:   Warren Kurt vonRoeschlaub  ([e-mail])
Written:  17/01/1993
Content:  Real
Summary:  The Land of Pigs and Corn
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Many people think that Des Moines is a small town in the middle of nowhere
with nothing interesting to see in it.  They are right.  However, this does
not mean that the average hitchhiker should skip stopping there.  Since Des
Moines sits in the dead center of Interstate 80, the road that connects New
York to San Francisco, anyone making a trip from one half of the US to the
other will probably be passing by anyway.

If nothing else, one could certainly pick up a great deal of novelty items
with a pig motif, many of which are truly hideous.

Another place to visit is the Iowa Historical Farms.  This is located just
off the parkway as it traverses the western edge of the city.  It consists
of several farms from different eras in US history, all in full operation
using only the correct period machinery.  Do not visit if you are bothered
by flies.  Do not visit in the middle of August unless you have worn a ski
jacket in Malaysia and thought it was quite cool.

One of Des Moines' biggest celebrities is Tiny Tim.  No he wasn't born
there; Tiny Tim was born in New York City.  And he doesn't live there, he
lives in Los Angeles.  But apparently Tiny Tim does like the city, since he
drops by all the time, usually to make a commercial, or host a talk show on
the radio.  Don't be surprised if all the radio personalities in the area are
talking about what a great guy he is, even if he is 70 years old and still
goes by the name "Tiny."

If you are interested in famous people, Harriet Nelson and Sada Thompson
were born in Des Moines.  Don't be upset if you have never heard of them;
nobody has.  Not even people who live in Des Moines.

Des Moines has a population of about 190,000 people, which is about as big
as many other thriving metropolitan areas, like Ewa, Hawaii, or Spokane,
Washington.  However, Des Moines covers such a large area that it doesn't
feel nearly as crowded.  One third of Des Moines is malls, with only the
remaining two thirds left for small businesses, factories, office buildings,
and residential areas.  Don't go to Des Moines if you have mallophobia.

What about that rich Iowan history?  Well, thousands of years ago, people
crossed the land bridge from Asia into the Americas.  Some of them, known as
the "mound builders" because their neighbors were jealous that they liked to
build hills, settled in Iowa.  This was so that the mounds they built would
be the highest point in the state.

In 1673, two explorers named Marquette and Joliette (they were French and
could get away with names like that) visited the mound builders.  Only a
fragment of the original discourse remains:

Marquette: "We claim this land in the name of France."
Chief Mound Builder: "Hey, we were here first you know."
Joliette: "Did I mention the infantry we brought with us?"
Chief Mound Builder: "Vivre la France!"

Despite this setback, the mound builders were able to adjust to eating a lot
of bread and being rude to foreigners until the United States purchased
Iowa in 1803.  The mound builders were then moved from Iowa and given a plot
of land in southern New Jersey.

%2R21
Title:    Gravity
Author:   Andrew Mark Kuchling  ([e-mail])
Written:  08/02/1993
Content:  Real
Summary:  All the average person needs to know about gravitation
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

One of the most remarkable forces in the universe is known as
gravitation.  There are other fundamental forces, ranging from the two
nuclear forces to electromagnetism, but none of them is of any
importance to anyone who doesn't want to spend their life considering
time-retarded integrals, group theory, and the horrible decor of physics
classrooms.  We can see why by considering Newton's law of gravitation:

          F=G*m[1]*m[2]/(r^2)  : G is a proportionality constant,
                                 m[1] and m[2] are the two masses,
                                 and r is the distance between them.

As far as we know, G is constant at all times and at all points in the
universe.  Gravity always attracts (there are no negative masses) while
electromagnetism can also repel; thus, it is extremely difficult to build
up a large amount of charge in one location.  Gravity decreases with r^2,
while the nuclear forces decrease with e^r, meaning they are noticeable only
over subatomic distances.

Therefore, these other forces can be safely left to the glossy pages of
physics journals, where they won't cause any harm beyond the publication
of theoretical papers.  (Physics lore claims that, asked to prove the
stability of a table, a theoretical physicist can quickly derive a solution
for a table with an infinite number of legs, and will then spend the next
thirty years trying to solve the special case of a table with a finite,
non-zero number of legs.)  Gravity, on the other hand, is important to
anyone who wants to travel through space and arrive at a given point on
the first try.  The various theories of gravitation lead to many interesting
results, such as bread always falling on the carpet with the butter-and-
jam side down, black holes forming, and lost change vanishing into sofa
crevices.

Unfortunately, all these really interesting gravitational phenomena require
a knowledge of General Relativity to understand.  Newtonian gravity is
almost exclusively used to derive orbits, and celestial mechanics has
become a nightmare of eccentricities, tidal forces, and mathematical
techniques all invented by Frenchmen whose names begin with 'L'.  Any
society needing really accurate orbital calculations is capable of building
computers able to numerically integrate them.

Therefore, in the real universe you don't have to worry about getting
actual symbolic expressions for orbital parameters; it's simpler to dump
all the masses and velocities into a suitable program and hope the
programmers responsible for the floating point routines weren't prone to
forgetting to check the carry flag.

General Relativity, on the other hand, deals with black holes, space
warps, time travel, and all the other things one finds badly mangled in
Shirley MacLaine's books.  To do this, however, one is forced to use
tensor calculus, a generalization of vector and scalar calculus that is
best defined as the field where one uses every Greek letter as both
super- and sub-scripts simultaneously.  Many theorems can be proved by
writing down some basic equations and manipulating them until an error
is made that lets the proof be easily completed.  (Confusing the letter
zeta with anything else is frequently used.  When handwritten, either
very quickly or with the greatest care, zeta always ends up looking like
a random squiggle; there is a Nobel Prize waiting for anyone who manages
to replace zeta with something simpler, like a 10-stroke Chinese ideogram.)

Errors in derivations have occasionally caused comical results; for
example, one result for the effect of emission of gravitational radiation
by two orbiting neutron stars was antidamping.  The emission of the
radiation would supposedly increase the orbital velocities, and hence
increase further emission, and so on.  Someone actually managed to get
that result published, thus proving that inhaling chalk dust over long
periods does indeed cause brain damage.

While a knowledge of all of the above may be useful for small talk at
cocktail parties, it probably isn't.

%2R22
Title:    McGill University, Montreal, Quebec, Canada, Earth
Author:   Andrew Mark Kuchling  ([e-mail])
Written:  08/02/1993
Content:  Real
Summary:  A high, cold place looking out over the universe (and Sherbrooke St.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A respectable hitchhiker is, of course, a contradiction in terms.
Hence, one of the places towards which hitchhikers gravitate is
frequently a college, university or other location of purportedly
higher education.  Here one can encounter eccentric geniuses,
promiscuous political science students, robotic graduate students, and
the occasional sober engineer.  Also present are libraries,
laboratories, computers, security staff, cafeterias, and professors.

To this standard design, McGill University adds one refinement: large
falling masses of ice and snow.  The extreme steepness of many roofs
at McGill means that in spring one must exercise extreme caution when
moving from building to building, unless one enjoys the tingly feeling
of having a 50-centimeter icicle embedded in one's cranium.  Smart
visitors either avoid walking under eaves or stay away from the
eastern side of the campus.  Extremely smart visitors may leave
immediately (or, better yet, avoid McGill completely) but they will
miss the opportunity to visit the University Center, recently renamed
the William Shatner University Center to honor a past graduate who
has done absolutely nothing for the university, but a great deal for
comedians.

Despite this drawback, McGill is still a wonderful place to visit.
Not because of anything intrinsically fascinating in the institution
itself, but because of its central location in the downtown core of
Montreal.  A walk of fifteen minutes in one direction will put you in
front of the Montreal Museum of Fine Arts and its attendant art galleries,
high-toned boutiques, and ferociously expensive restaurants (where to
enter wearing denim will lead to immediate arrest); going in the other
direction, one will wind up on St. Laurent street, remarkable for the
highest concentration of tattoo parlors in the city (handy for occupying
those one-hour breaks between classes).

There is an odd dichotomy at McGill.  It was built from donations by
rich, privileged Montrealers, and practically all of its buildings bear
their names.  The usual tie-dyed minority complains of the bedrock of
oppression McGill rests upon, yet, instead of leaving the place in
disgust, they write articles for the newspapers and demand partial
funding for staff parties.  (This is similar to the Guide's system,
except that the Guide is acquired voluntarily.)  The rest of the student
body ignores them, and continues kicking recycling bins out of the way
as it stampedes into courses rumored to be easy A's.

Unfortunately, McGill's past status as the premier educational institution
in Canada is shrinking rapidly (like its enrollment).  Library
underfunding, a multi-million dollar debt, a declining and pathetic
student population, and the increasing stupidity of both student and
academic administrations, all point toward a dark future.  Hitchhikers
wishing to visit McGill as a university, and not as a collection of
decaying buildings, are advised to hurry.

%2R23
Title:    Program Structure Wars
Author:   Alex Miller  ([e-mail])
Written:  02/02/1992
Content:  Real
Summary:  A silly verbal tempest in an even sillier teapot
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sleep is fundamentally good.

It is something to be enjoyed, worshipped, loved, and cherished.  Humans
spend rather a large part of their lives either sleeping or wishing they
were.  The problem is most people don't take time to enjoy their sleep, to
revel in the very essence of sleepiness and how good it is to finally drift
off, away from the world.

Besides being all-together enjoyable, sleep is necessary for us to lead
normal, productive lives, the scientists say.  Sleep research has revealed
that the brain must have this "down-time" in order to be able to deal with
reality and consciousness the rest of the time.  Research has revealed that
the most restful type of sleep occurs while humans undergo Rapid Eye
Movement, or REM.  During so-called REM sleep there are spasms of the eye
muscles that are clearly visible to an observer.  Some of the more sadistic
sleep research has been on the subject of sleep depravation, or going for
extended periods of time without sleep.  Scientists have found that sleep
depravation, which leads to REM depravation, can have severe effects over
relatively short periods of time.  For instance, nuclear reactor failures
and problems have largely been linked to operator fatigue.

As a college student, I can attest that students are perhaps hit hardest
in the need for sleep.  In fact, to the college student, the entire
educational experience can sometimes appear to be a giant sleep
depravation experiment.  The typical student leads a schedule of sufficient
weirdness that sleep is not a part of the regular routine.  Hence, the
age-old student problems of sleeping through a day (or week) of classes
and sleeping during class are not something to be solved, but tolerated.
It is also important to note that unusual sleeping habits do tend to have
an adverse effect on grades.  (However, this is the least of the typical
student's problems.)

There is also the matter of sleeping style.  Everyone has a unique style,
or method of sleeping, whether they are aware of it or not.  In fact, they
often aren't aware of it, because they are sleeping while it is taking
place.  Perhaps the most common sleeping trait is snoring, which can range
from a gentle sniffling to a great hawking roar of a honk, sure to wake
people for miles around.  Others find that they tend to walk or talk in
their sleep which can lead to a number of interesting and potentially
dangerous positions.  For instance, I have heard tales of a sleeping college
student who mistook a fellow student's room for the urinal in the deep of
the night, leading to a rather unfortunate end for everyone involved.  As
children and occasionally later in life, many humans have problems
controlling their bladder at night.  This is always a consideration when
searching for a roommate.

A final sleeping problem is that of insomnia, or an inability to fall
asleep even when one is quite tired.  There are many classic ways to
solve this problem, such as counting sheep or drinking warm milk.  I
personally prefer a good knock with a lead pipe - I've never seen it fail.

"To sleep, perchance to dream," said Hamlet, and although he was really
talking about death, I think it applies anyway.  Dreaming can be a
wonderful thing, fulfilling your fantasies, or it can be a terrible thing,
leaving you in a cold sweat, terrified to leave your room.  Either way,
it is the ultimate story-making machine, far better than movies or books,
because it relies on the imagination without form.  Often, however, this
lack of form can also lead to strange or surprising results.  Consider,
for instance, the dream of yourself in a public place, but without a stitch
of clothing.  Sound familiar?  Freud used dreams as the basis for his work
because he believed that they were a window into the unconscious, a way to
see into a person's soul.  Nifty stuff, all together.

Sweet dreams.

%2R25
Title:    University of Western Sydney, New South Wales, Australia, Earth
Author:   Leigh J C Kennedy  ([e-mail])
Written:  16/04/1992
Content:  Real
Summary:  How not to get a Bachelors of Computer science in Australia
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

About 200 years ago, The British started sending people to Australia for
crimes that they had committed.  That wasn't the problem.  The problem
was, what these people were meant to do when they were released.  Faced
with a long boat ride back to a land where it never stopped raining,
many of these people decided to stay.  They did rather foolish things
like form governments, which eventually (180 or so years omitted) lead
to the need for an Australian computer industry.

"What has this got to do with the University of Western Sydney," you may
ask.  Well, this computer industry found it needed people skilled in all
areas of Computer Science, not the theory-filled clones that were coming
from all other uni's around the world.  What was needed were mean,
hard-nosed code crunchers, and analysts who ate classical models for
breakfast.

The University of Western Sydney heard this call and responded like no
other.  It created students who owned an assembler and weren't afraid to
use it; it made them learn that RTFM is not really user-friendly
programming; and it made analysts who were willing to kill to get a
decent development budget.  After some whining from the financial
sector, it finally relented and taught them COBOL, but only if the
students promised never to use it.

"So what is the problem," you ask.
"Why do the students wince every time they see their academic transcripts?"

There was only one problem, but it was a big one.

The NAME!!!

Between the time that the degree was worked out and any students were
actually admitted to the course, bureaucracy stepped in.  It was not a
Computer Science degree they said - there was not enough theory.  It
was not a Computer Engineering degree they said - not enough systems
design.  Everyone agreed that it was far to intense for a Information
Systems degree, so what to call it?

The bureaucracy in their infinite wisdom decided that because the degree
concentrated more on the application of skills than mere theory, that
it would be called "Applied" something.  There was no question that the
degree was a computing one so they said it was "in computing".  After
much infighting between departments (possible names were Bachelors of
Applied Finance in Computing, Bachelors of Applied Biology in Computing
and even Bachelors of Applied Sheep Husbandry in Computing), it was
finally decided that Science and Technology could have the degree and it
became Bachelors of Applied Science in Computing.

You still don't see this as a problem?  Well, there is more.

After the name was decided and the first students started to enroll, a
slimy little accountant got to learn of this new degree (NB: I have no
proof that the accountant was slimy, but based on other accountants I
have met I think it is a pretty safe bet).  This accountant noticed that
the Bachelors of Applied Science in Computing was really much too long a
name, and after convincing the university board (with a few dozen cases
of Foster's), the name was cut to just Bachelors of Applied Science.
Hundreds of students were left trying to convince prospective employers
that they really did know what they were talking about (which in a few
cases they actually did).

So hear my warning, all computing students around the world.  Do not
complain when they teach you FORTRAN; smile when they tell you that
BASIC is really a highly-structured language: at least you have the name.

%2R26
Title:    Defecation
Author:   Scott Bale (aka Wild Cheese)
Written:  03/04/1993
Content:  Real
Summary:  It's not just a bodily function... it's an enjoyable pastime!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bowel movements take up a large amount of an individual's waking life and,
in the fast-paced, hurried, etc. way of life these days, free time does
not come easy.  I have found, through extensive research, that one's
time on the throne is an excellent opportunity for relaxation, stimulating
intellectual reading, or quiet reflection on one's life.

My roommate and I have been keeping a defecation log in order to spot
patterns or deduce the circumstances behind a good dump.  By numbering
our dumps and dating them, plotting them against factors such as overall
enjoyment (1-10), splash factor (1-10), significant odors, and other
important variants, we have made some interesting discoveries.

It seems the most important contribution to a satisfactory excretion is the
rectal dilation; there is a definite direct proportion between the data in
the Estimated Rectal Dilation column (cm) and the Overall Enjoyment column.
It seems the sensation from the rectal dilation is the most significant
contributor to overall peace of mind, euphoria, and relaxation during a
dump, to which all other factors depend on for enjoyment.  Further
analyzing the data, we found that the most pleasing dilation fell in the
interval of 2.75 to 3.5 centimeters.  Graphing the whole range of dilations
produced a Maxwellian Distribution Curve, with 3.10 being the top of the
curve.  To the left of this value, smaller dilations were less likely to
produce significant sensations to affect one's state of mind, while to the
right of this value, higher dilations produced bleeding, excruciating pain,
and eventually unconsciousness, as my roommate found when experiencing an
estimated dilation of 6.5 centimeters, as the proctologist later reported.

To continue, there was also a direct proportion between Viscosity (1-10)
and Estimated Rectal Dilation (cm), indicating that Viscosity is the
direct controller of dilation.  After plotting the data, my roommate
and I found a general equation relating Viscosity (V) to Rectal Dilation
(D):  V=kD, "k" being the Poop Constant.  However, this accounts only
for Viscosity up to 8.5 (nearly rock solid) and dilations up to 6.5 cm,
and should be subject to further research.

Reading Materials were also an important variable.  While not actually
affecting the nature of the bowel movement itself, it seemed that dumps
were much more enjoyable if reading materials were involved.  This data
is more prone to speculation, but comic books, letters from friends, or
other more frivolous forms of reading were preferred over novels or other
more serious forms of reading.  However, in the absence of the preferred
reading material, it seems the subject would much prefer to have anything
to read and, in extreme cases, would rather read the graffiti on the
stall walls or the political ads than look at one's own stark naked
torso sitting on the porcelain throne.

%2R27
Title:    Computer Malfunctions
Author:   Scott Bale (aka Wild Cheese)
Written:  03/04/1993
Content:  Real
Summary:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

In light of the recent rash of computmm mmfnccttzzns, mgrugle plux arggxgle
cjJl  m44 *)W $ ssnapalm 89F325sfxxfj;sl  y mlg cows dlg;d cow cow cowscows
cowsCOWs cOWSCOWS!!!








%2R28
Title:    Rules of Car Chasing
Author:   Scott Bale (aka Wild Cheese)
Written:  09/04/1993
Content:  Real
Summary:  Legal and Illegal
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

To be involved legally in a car chase you must somehow be an enforcer of
the law, in which case the rules are:  anything goes.  Cut through yards,
exit from entrance ramps, cut through department stores, run over fire
hydrants, smash up your car or the bad guy's.  As long as no one innocent
is injured and no more than $50,000 in damage to public property occurs,
you are well within the confines of appropriate social etiquette.  If, as
an officer of the law, you fail to apprehend the criminal in question, it
is advisable to somehow crash your car and injure yourself "in the line of
duty" to receive sympathy and lessen your chances of being reprimanded.  I
recommend jerking the wheel and allowing the car to careen into vacated
but visible areas, such as public fountains.  If possible, arrange for the
car to overturn, crumple, or blow up.

To be involved illegally in a car chase you are probably breaking the law
and therefore the rules are:  anything goes.  In fact, you have an
advantage over enforcers of the law in that criminals are not expected to
observe the $50,000 limit/no innocent victims rule.  Whether or not to
take advantage of this is a matter of personal taste.  On one hand,
plowing through a pack of Cub Scouts might improve your chances of
escape if the cops can't follow you; on the other hand, getting pedestrians
lodged up in the transmission might detract from your car's performance.
Keep in mind that, on Earth, killing someone will almost certainly make
your prison term much shorter.

%2S01
Title:    Infinity
Author:   Mark Anthony Young  ([e-mail])
Written:  01/12/1991
Content:  Semi-real
Summary:  It's really confusing.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's not surprising that people in this forum are confused about infinity.

It's hard to reconcile infinity so most of us don't even try.  We just
marvel for a while, then wander off find a party so we don't have to think
about it.  After a few Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters, the incipient panic
goes away, and we really start to enjoy ourselves.

Unfortunately, the problem of understanding infinity gets left to people
with absolutely no social skills, so even if they did show up at the
party (unlikely, since who'd invite them?) and even if they did try to
explain it (likely, since, as I said, they have absolutely no social
skills and are completely oblivious to the fact that you're really
trying to be alone with that fabulous being in the kitchen and don't give
a pair of fetid dingo's kidneys what they have to say) you wouldn't learn
anything because that fabulous being would start talking to someone else
and you'd turn on your tormenter and say "Yeah, we figured that out last
week and it's going to be published in a really keen journal so eat your
heart out" and stomp off to the bar without having heard a word they said.

So have some sympathy for these poor benighted people who don't understand
infinity.  They've got terrible hangovers and didn't get laid.

%2S02
Title:    Light
Author:   Craig Hill  ([e-mail])
Written:  09/04/1992
Content:  Semi-real
Summary:  A scientific study of light in our dimension.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Light, according to really froody philosophers, is a severe lack of darkness;
but as everybody else knows it's just ..., well it just is.  Although its own
existence is under question, light is known to be the most important thing in
the universe (except for Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters) so this ultimate guide
HAS to cover it somewhere.  This being the case, I talked to some of the
galaxy's leading light scientists and they had this to say:

 - Light is called light because that is what it is.  I put 3 kg of light on
   my kitchen scales last week and it weighed nothing.  As this clearly
   shows, light is the ultimate in lightness, so it just has to be called
   "light".

 - This is ridiculous, how can you seriously examine light when it does not
   even exist?  There are two theories as to what light is, but they are both
   clearly (I'm not sure how anything can be clear without light) a load of
   fetid dingoes kidneys.

   Theory 1: Light is made up of waves - I have seen plenty of light (yes he
     can see things that don't exist) and I have never seen it wave to me.  I
     am a very friendly sort of guy so anything that is a wave and still will
     not wave to me can't exist.

   Theory 2: Light is made up of matter particles - As somebody else said, 'I
     put 3 kg of light on my kitchen scales and it weighed nothing';
     something that weighs nothing obviously can't exist, so light can't
     exist either.

 - Let me go, I couldn't care less about light.  This is Milliways, and I
   want to watch the end of everything.  Be reasonable, if I can write a
   report on something like this, they will have to give me a knighthood and
   a Nobel Prize.  I might even find some females who will talk to me.
   (Don't blame me, I talked to him but he wouldn't co-operate.  20th Century
   Earth scientists always were a problem.)

 - Light is the definitive subject of all science.  Light defines the maximum
   speed for all matter (play in a Total Perspective Vortex for a while and
   you will realize that nothing matters though - that's why the principles
   of improbability physics and the Bistromathic drive work so well).
   Without light, nothing can exist; everything would be a black hole, and
   that is about as exciting as infinity according to a certain hyper-
   intelligent shade of blue.  Shade of blue - that is a color - which
   requires light - I've done it, I've proved that light exists.  (He was a
   little eccentric, but something in all of that must be right.)

             'But one thing is true - light always behaves like light.'
                       -- my Year 12 Physics teacher.

%2S03
Title:    Problems With Democracy
Author:   Loren Haarsma, Andrew Mark Kuchling  ([e-mail])
Written:  10/02/1992
Content:  Semi-real
Summary:  The worst form of government, but better than the rest.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Perhaps the biggest problem with Democracy is that people tend to get exactly
the government that they deserve.

For example, in many modern-day democracies, the people claim that they want
their government to operate under a balanced budget, when in fact this is the
farthest thing from the truth.  What the people really want, as they
repeatedly demonstrate from their voting, is decreased taxes and increased
government spending -- particularly when it comes to government projects
which directly benefit themselves.  Professional politicians, if by nothing
else than by a simple Darwinian processes, are very good at perceiving such
things, and give the people exactly want: huge government deficits.

For example, in every present and past democracy, the people always claim
that they want politicians who will not accept bribes, when in fact this is
the farthest thing from the truth.  What the people really want, as they
repeatedly demonstrate from the voting, is politicians who will spending huge
amounts of money on multi-media campaigns to win votes, who will spend
massive amounts of time coming to their towns to speak to the local rotary
club or school (for a fee), and who will spend massive amounts of time
influencing legislation to win government contracts for local businesses.

There are, of course, many other problems with democracy.

THE MEDIA: In all known democracies, the media flourishes.

POLLS: One way in which the media attempts to tell people what to think is by
attempting to tell them what they are thinking.  If you read the previous
sentence again, you will understand it.  Fortunately, the results of these
polls invariably conflict with each other and with reality, so that prolonged
exposure builds up immunities.

POLLSTERS: They work for the media.

LITIGATION: People who live in a democracy, since they believe they have some
influence over the law, tend to extrapolate this into the belief that the law
means whatever they want it to mean.  (The media probably plays a role in
this, though we are not exactly sure how.)  Therefore, they will sue the
owner of a dog who left a bone on a sidewalk upon which they stubbed their
toe, causing them to spill their coffee on themselves, for the price of a new
bathrobe plus $1,000,000 for mental stress.

LAWYERS: They come with litigation.  Experiments show that when the
population of lawyers reaches certain critical densities, they force society
to undergo a phase transition which causes the population of lawyers to grow
even faster.  Science has not yet found a solution to this problem.

FREE SPEECH: In a democracy, you will incessantly be subjected to hearing
the ideas, speculation, and bizarre prognostications of everyone around you.
The media multiplies this problem a thousandfold.

TRIAL BY JURY: When one is accused by the state of a crime, the second
scariest thought you can have is that you will be tried by a jury of your
peers.  The only thing scarier than this is to be tried WITHOUT a jury of
your peers.

WEAPONRY: The only thing scarier than a democratically elected government
which allows its citizens to own sophisticated weaponry is a democratically
elected government which does NOT allow its citizens to own sophisticated
weaponry.

In a non-democratic society, the ordering of these two concepts is reversed.

ECONOMICS:  Because the public thinks it can affect the government's
economic policies, it demands economic information.  The media gives it to
them.  This results in the publishing of page after page of little numbers
and letters, graphs of important economic indicators such as the widths of
ties and lengths of skirts, degrees in Business Administration, and
articles on scandals at Deposit Insurance Corporations entitled
"Tricky DICs."

No solution to any of these problems has yet been found.  Many have been
tried and suggested: oligarchy, theocracy, dictatorship, and school boards.
Most of these begin with some members of the population killing others to
show the flaws of the old political structure; they then continue killing
others to show that society's structures are independent of individuals.
Such governments usually end with some members of the population killing
others to demonstrate their dissatisfaction with the executive branch of
government, and indeed also the legislative, corporate, and street-
cleaning branches.  This does not make for a solution unless, of course,
the individuals killed are all in the legal profession.

%2S04
Title:    What To Do When Your Elected Head Of State Embarrasses You
Author:   Loren Haarsma, Andrew Mark Kuchling  ([e-mail])
Written:  10/02/1992
Content:  Semi-real
Summary:  Keep reminding yourself, "You could have done worse."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR ELECTED HEAD OF STATE EMBARRASSES YOU BY...

          1) ...TRAVELING TO ANOTHER COUNTRY AND TRYING TO FORCE THAT COUNTRY
             TO ACCEPT THE BLAME FOR YOUR SOCIAL/ECONOMIC/MORAL PROBLEMS OF
             YOUR DEVISING.

             Consider how lucky you are that you didn't elect a Head of State
             with no foreign policy experience whatsoever.

          2) ...MAKING SPEECHES DURING WHICH THEY PROPOSE THAT THE BEST WAY
             TO SOLVE NATIONAL ECONOMIC/SOCIAL/HEALTH/EDUCATIONAL PROBLEMS IS
             FOR INDIVIDUALS TO CHANGE THEIR BEHAVIOR, RATHER THAN BY
             SPENDING GOVERNMENT MONEY.

             Consider the fact that they are probably correct, especially
             when you take into account the fundamental nature of politics,
             governments, and bureaucracies.

          3) ...CHOOSING A VICE-HEAD-OF-STATE WHOSE PRIMARY QUALITY IS WIDELY
             CONSIDERED (REGARDLESS OF THE TRUTH OF THE PERCEPTION) TO BE
             THEIR ABILITY TO SUPPLY STAND-UP COMEDIANS WITH MATERIAL.

             Support weapons control legislation.  Contribute to medical
             research.

          4) ...  SPENDS INORDINATE AMOUNTS OF TIME AND MONEY ON OBSCURE
             LEGAL QUESTIONS REGARDING THE CONSTITUTION.

             Remember that a dollar spent on satellite links between Moose
             Jaw, Saskatchewan and Goose Bay, Newfoundland is a dollar not
             spent on curtains for the Head of State's mother's friend's
             house.

          5) ...  CARRIES OUT MONUMENTALLY STUPID POLICIES, RESULTING IN S/HE
             BEING LESS POPULAR THAN CLINICALLY INSANE MEMBERS OF THE KLU
             KLUX KLAN, GREEN VEST SOCIETY, OR THE DECALEGGED BEING
             LIBERATION FRONT.

             Swallow your principles and fight for the incumbent incompetent.

          6) ...  CARRIES OUT MONUMENTALLY STUPID POLICIES AND ACTIONS,
             RESULTING IN S/HE LOSING AN ELECTION TO CLINICALLY INSANE
             MEMBERS OF THE KLU KLUX KLAN, GREEN VEST SOCIETY, OR THE
             DECALEGGED BEING LIBERATION FRONT.

             Move to somewhere relaxingly idyllic and safe, like a naked
             singularity.

          7) ...  MAKES COMMENTS ABOUT POLLUTION-CAUSING TREES, RADIATION
             BEING GOOD FOR THE SINUSES, AND BOMBING THE ENEMY BACK TO THE
             PRE-CABLE AGE.

             Celebrate the fact that you have a Head of State capable of
             hiring a great many advisors and then ignoring them completely.

%2S05
Title:    Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Earth
Author:   Daniel Bowen  ([e-mail])
Written:  24/06/1992
Content:  Semi-real
Summary:  A non-tourist's view of Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Earth
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Earth, is in Australia, on Earth, which
partially if not totally accounts for its name as such.  Melbourne,
Victoria, Australia (we shall avoid overuse of the term "Earth" as it tends
to confuse locals from that particular neck-of-the-galaxy), should not be
confused with Melbourne, Florida, USA.  Melbourne, Florida was actually
named after Melbourne, Victoria, Australia by a local of the latter.

Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, was in turn named after a certain member of
the British aristocracy of the 1800's (Earth time) named Lord Melbourne.
This may be of no consequence whatsoever, but certain historical
experts have debated this fact, and maintain that as their jobs depend
on it, it is important for historical facts such as this to be
preserved until at least tea-time.

Melbourne is a little bit famous for its trams, which can confuse it at
first glance with Seattle, Washington, USA.  This is because Seattle
managed to purchase some of Melbourne's trams during the 1980s.  Trams
are big wooden (generally) green things on wheels that roll down
streets of their own accord.  They live by few rules, excepting that
they do tend to stick to their tracks, although their reliance on such
concepts as "timetables" is doubtful.  In any case, trams carry people
who don't know where they want to go, somewhere, thus avoiding any
problems with packs of roaming people who don't know where they want to
go.

Melbourne is also famous for its gardens.  Indeed, the state of which
Melbourne is a capital, Victoria, which is also named after a certain
member of the British aristocracy of the 1800's, is also known as the
"Garden State".  For some time, this epitaph has appeared on car license
plates in the state, which may be somewhat ironic given the unfortunate
spread of freeways around the city in recent years.

Melbourne, being the capital of the gardenish state of Victoria, is
therefore the seat of the state government.  At the time of writing, it
is not a particularly good state government, but many locals will claim
that they can never remember a particularly good state government, so
it probably doesn't matter much.  The next state government probably
won't be particularly good either.

The only other slightly interesting thing to relate about Melbourne is
that it is known for its comedy.  Why this is is not apparent at first
glance, but most of the populace claim that what with the rotten
weather, government, economic crisis, etc., Melbourne people of all
people need something to laugh about.

%2S06
Title:    Australia, Earth
Author:   Daniel Bowen  ([e-mail])
Written:  25/06/1992
Content:  Semi-real
Summary:  A short look at Australia, Earth
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

While Australia, Earth, is well known by many humans as being the home
of the "Crocodile Dundee" movies, most Australians know Australia as
being the place where they live, or the place where they come from.

A famous writer, the name of which is insignificant, and un-remembered,
once wrote of Australia:

          I love a sunburnt country,
          A land of sweeping plains,
          Of rugged mountain ranges,
          Of droughts, and flooding rains.

While this may not be a work of literary genius, or take into account
the very high proportion of Australians who prefer to live in sprawling
cities than in sweeping plains or mountain ranges, it is remarkable how
the first three lines align like that, isn't it?

Amongst the leagues of completely unknown and unimportant Australians
are some well-known and unimportant ones, such as (in no apparent
order):

          1) Paul Hogan - alleged actor and wife-deserter
          2) Clive James - humorist who prefers living in Britain
          3) Nicole Kidman - actress who married Tom Cruise and
             subsequently found a Hollywood career
          4) Elle MacPherson - bimbo
          5) Mel Gibson - alleged actor II
          6) Greg Norman - Australian golfer with an American accent
          7) Peter Garrett (of Midnight Oil) - bald singer who can't
             dance
          8) Michael Hutchence (of INXS) - hairy singer
          9) Kylie Minogue - bimbo singer and bad soapie actress
          10) Olivia Newton John - former bimbo singer and "Grease"
              star.  Ugh.
          11) Peter Allen - bad cabaret singer, whose singing improved
              remarkably when he died in 1992
          12) the entire casts of "Neighbors", "Home and Away", "A
              Country Practice", "Young Doctors" and "Prisoner", all of
              whom have terrorized Great Britain for some time now with
              their cheap and very bad soap operas

This list has only included a few people.  There are about seventeen
million more.  If you are thinking of joining them (ie immigrating, from
either another country on Earth, or from somewhere else in the galaxy),
think twice.  Then do it anyway.

%2S07
Title:    Dark Suckers
Author:   Jesper Hogstrom
Written:  10/05/1992
Content:  Semi-real
Summary:  The theory of dark suckers
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

For years it was believed that electric bulbs emitted light.  However,
recent information has proven otherwise.  Electric bulbs do not emit
light, they suck dark.  Thus we will now call these bulbs dark suckers.
The dark sucker theory, according to a spokesperson, proves the existence
of dark, that dark has a mass heavier than light, and that dark is faster
than light.

The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.
Take for example the dark suckers in the room where you are.  There is
less dark right next to them than it is elsewhere.  The larger the
dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.  Dark suckers in a
parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room.
As with all things dark suckers don't last forever.  Once they are
full of dark they can no longer suck.  This is proven by the black
spot on a full dark sucker.

A candle is a primitive dark sucker.  A new candle has a white wick.
You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black,
representing all the dark which has been sucked into it.  If you hold
a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn
black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle.

Unfortunately, today's primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.
There are also portable dark suckers.  These bulbs can't handle all of
the dark themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit.  When
the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced
before the portable dark sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass.  When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this
mass generates heat.  Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark
sucker.  Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in
the solid wick instead of through glass.  This generates a great
amount of heat.  Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating
candle.

Dark is also heavier than light.  If you swim deeper and deeper, you
notice it gets slowly darker and darker.  When you reach approximately
fifty feet, you are in total darkness.  This is because the heavier
dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to
the top.

The immense power of the dark can be utilized to man's advantage.  We
can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push
it through turbines which generates electricity and helps push dark to
the ocean, where it may be safely stored.  Prior to turbines, it was
much more difficult to get dark from rivers and lakes to the ocean.

The Indians recognized this problem and tried to solve it.  When on a
river in a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow of dark,
they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when
they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to
help the dark along its way.

Finally we must prove that dark is faster than light.  If you were to
stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then
slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the
closet, but since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the
dark leave the closet.

In conclusion, it has been stated that dark suckers make our lives much
easier, so the next time you look at an electric bulb, remember that
it is indeed a dark sucker.

%2S08
Title:    JSP
Author:   Mazda Imperfekt  ([e-mail])
Written:  28/09/1992
Content:  Semi-real
Summary:  Why use JSP when you can eat spaghetti?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you are fond of JSP, then stop reading now since this entry will
seriously disrupt your sense of structure.

To the not-so-well-educated computer-freak-who-wants-to-know-it-all type,
the whole concept of JSP may be very alien (Great movie!), but we will try
to straighten those things out right away.

JSP stands for Jackson's Structured Programming, and is a way to develop
structured programs for administration and such "large" applications.  It
was developed by a guy named ... Jackson ?, who thought it would be a great
idea to torture students with a totally incomprehensible way of thinking.

JSP complicates the fine art of software development into a huge mass of
strange, white, rectangular "things" with some strange symbols on it (paper
to the rest of us).  Why even try to get some "structure" by using the so-
called "only" way of structured programming when you can use something so
enormously more tasty like spaghetti programming!  I am not Italian, but
I must state that spaghetti tastes a lot better than those white,
rectangular things!

And if this would not be enough to convert even the most dedicated JSP'er,
the enormous mass of those white, rectangular thingies, converted into
Spaghetti, would create a mountain of Pasta similar to the Great Spaghetti-
Bolognese Hive at Berghioningha IV.  No!  I say to hell with JSP and give
us more PASTA!

Hasta la Pasta!

%2S09
Title:    Library Theft
Author:   Mark Anthony Young  ([e-mail])
Written:  12/12/1991
Content:  Semi-real
Summary:  It's terribly difficult and not very lucrative.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now why would anyone want to steal a library?  It's not a particularly
useful piece of architecture, if you're not inclined to reading (as all of
the more notorious criminals are not).  It won't do as a discotheque
because the rather severe looking old ladies who inhabit it would be
constantly shushing the band.  You can't turn it into an Italian restaurant
because of the strict "No Food" rules.  (Were you to violate this rule the
little old ladies would not stop at mere shushing.  They would quickly
escalate to tut-tutting and shortly thereafter to violent huffing.  Before
long the place would sound like an asthmatic in an echo chamber and that
would put you right off your lunch.)

Not only is the building useless, but it would be difficult to abscond
with.  They are usually rather large and so cannot be slipped into the
inner coat pocket, nor even the outer coat pockets of the Titans (had the
Titans even worn coats, which is doubtful since they lived back in the days
when people were proud to stand out in the cold and say "It doesn't bother
me one bit that the icy wind is cutting through my thin garments and
chilling me to the bone, nor that the freezing rain is covering my body and
forming icicles on my chin and nose (and other parts of me that shall
remain nameless), for I am a Titan, and we laugh at discomfort and thrill
to pain and generally live short and squalid lives.")  Libraries are also
usually made of stone (pre-victorian buildings that no one could think of
anything useful to do with), or of brick (a material that wins big in the
upkeep department but generally inspires onlookers to say "Yech.  What a
horribly ugly building.  Shouldn't something be done to spruce it up, like
maybe covering it with a landfill site or aluminum siding?").  These
materials are very heavy and thus should only be placed in specially
re-enforced containers such as dry-docks or fruit-cake tins.

It is for these reasons that there has only ever been one library theft
ring in the history of the galaxy.  Ooblig Rastablaghan (of the Oogarieth V
Rastablaghans) masterminded the theft of seven hundred libraries from the
planet Malik IX.  The crime was particularly pointless, because the people
of Malik IX do not have any language, and thus no books (thus any vacant
building on Malik IX is automatically designated a library (the Malixians,
while not having language, do have a highly developed system of
mathematics, and take the concept of "vacuously true" very seriously)).
The theft was only discovered when the buildings were required to meet the
increasing demand for shoe stores.  The perpetrator was arrested, but Malik
IX passed the shoe event horizon before he could be tried.  Ooblig is still
in custody on the prison planet Malik VIII.  His lawyers have prepared a
writ of habeas corpus, but it cannot be filed until a new civilization
arises on Malik IX to deal with it.

When asked why he had done it, Ooblig replied:  "Yeah, well, you know."
The questioner was immediately arrested as an accomplice and shares
Ooblig's cell on Malik VIII.

%2S10
Title:    Sweden, Earth
Author:   Mazda Imperfekt  ([e-mail])
Written:  28/09/1992
Content:  Semi-real
Summary:  A small guide to the newly arrived extraterrestrial
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Greetings, fellow hitchhiker!

Sweden, the home of the brave (or was that USA?), is situated way up in
the northern wilderness of Scandinavia.  Packed between its two neighbors,
Finland and Norway (remember those lovely fjords!), Sweden tries to
maintain a sort of egoistic we-know-best-in-everything attitude towards
everyone else on Terra, but no-one ever takes any notice of them anyway.

One of the things Sweden is famous for (one of the few!) is the Volvo car
(a very primitive form of transportation made out of a lot of heavy metal
which is driven forward by four wheels propelled by a primitive combustion
engine. In fact, the only more primitive invention on Earth is the system of
currency.  Just imagine, to use little fragile paper-thingies as currency.
No wonder there are frequent economical crises!).

The very funny inhabitants of Sweden are called Swedes.  They are a very
bureaucratical people indeed!  One other thing a Swede can't handle is the
booze.  They live a dull, grey, bureaucratical life all week and party on
the weekends.  And boy, do they party!  They have even mounted an expression
called SSIB.  This stands for "Supa Skallen I Bitar" which literally means
to drink until your head explodes.  This they do frequently (drink booze,
not blow up their heads).

One of their biggest and most used exports is the Absolute Vodka, which
comes in very different flavors.  It is not as strong as a Pan Galactic
Gargle Blaster, but more akin to the Super-Quasi Literal Philosophic Tea
(oh!  That Super-Quasi Literal Philosophic Tea).

If you are going to be friendly to a Swede... don't waste your time.  They
are very afraid of foreigners and aliens.  And what ever you do, never tell
them you are from another planet or country!  They will immediately examine
if you have the right to be here, or if you are... an illegal alien!

Some things a Swede NEVER does...

        *   Help a old woman over the street - That is what the Social
                                               Service is for...

        *   Be friendly to a alien           - They are probably criminals
                                               the lot!

        *   Take help from another           - "What!  You wanna help me?
                                               What's the catch?  Do I have
                                               to pay you?  What do YOU
                                               want?"

        *   Confess                          - Hey! It's those bloody
                                               foreigners' fault.
                                               It's those kids of today!
                                               Pah!  The government is to
                                               blame!

%2S11
Title:    Watermelons
Author:   Travis J.I. Corcoran  ([e-mail])
Written:  14/12/1992
Content:  Semi-real
Summary:  Ritualistic uses for watermelons on two planets
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

First, let's define what a watermelon is.  Er... no, let's first define
what a watermelon is not.  It is not water, nor is it a melon.
Well, actually, it *is* a melon, but admitting that would screw up
the parallel structure... so let's just agree that its not water or a
melon, OK?  From there, let's talk about what it is... it's
well... now, I can't say it's a melon, can I?  I just told you that
it's not, and we can't have a watermelon being both a melon and a
non-melon, can we?  Hmm.  OK, a watermelon is this big green
egg-shaped sort of thing, you see?  No?  OK, picture a dry, red,
dusty rock about the size of your eyeball.  A watermelon is almost,
but not quite, exactly unlike that rock.

Interestingly enough, watermelons are known to exist on only two
planets in the known universe: Zylo XII, and, er... Earth.  Even
more oddly, members of the dominant species of each planet have been
observed participating in the same ritualistic use of watermelons.

First, let's highlight the similarities between the two rituals:
The rite involves "liberating" a watermelon, climbing to a high
place, saying some words, then throwing the watermelon off the
high place.

Some have raised the objection that these are merely superficial
resemblances, and that the rituals are actually totally different and
unrelated.  These specific (O)bjections are (R)efuted below:

O1.  Zylo XII watermelons are totally unlike Earth watermelons.
R1.  While it may be true that Zylo XII watermelons are
     actually eggs of carnivorous treeworms, and Earth watermelons
     are a kind of fruit, there remains many other similarities that
     conclusively prove that they are more or less the same thing.

O2.  On Zylo XII, the natives steal the watermelons from the nest of
     treeworms; on Earth there are no treeworms.  What gives?
R2.  While, technically speaking, there are no treeworms on
     Earth, this is hardly the fault of the Earth natives, is it?
     Under the unfortunate circumstances, they do the best they can
     and liberate their watermelons from the basements of college
     dining halls. Given the context, it's really more or less the
     same thing.

O3.  On Zylo XII, the watermelon is thrown from the summit
     of the Mountain of the Arrogant Sky Watcher.  There's no such
     mountain on Earth; explain that one away!
R3.  True, there is no MotASW on Earth.  Once again, it is a
     matter of understanding the context, and adjusting
     accordingly.  On Earth, the watermelons are thrown from Cornell
     University's Space Sciences building (alleged home of alleged
     astronomer Carl Sagan).  Follow?

O4.  On Zylo XII, the natives chant for three days, celebrating
     the hunting prowess of their ancestors before they hurl the
     watermelon, after which they are declared full adult members
     of the tribe.  Surely this doesn't happen on Earth?
R4.  Um...yes, that's how it works on Earth too.

%2S12
Title:    Work
Author:   Sam Craghead  ([e-mail]), ([e-mail])
Written:  10/12/1992
Content:  Semi-real
Summary:  Earthling's "work" and the result of it to himself and others
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

WORK.  This is what the people of Earth engage in for most of their lives.
By "working" they get "money" which they use to buy things which other people
have produced at their WORK.  WORK is also known as an OCCUPATION.  If you
are a worker you get a lot of mail addressed to "occupant".

Some work is called drudgery and is filled with physical toil.  Some
workers work by sitting at their desks writing on bits of paper which they
then pass to other workers like themselves who nod their heads and take
another bit of paper and write on it.  This piece of paper is called a MEMO
and most of their time is spent writing and nodding over memos.  These
workers can practice their nodding while driving to work by placing a doll
in the rear window of their cars, and then observing the nodding technique by
watching the doll nod in the rear view mirror.

This same worker will spend a lot of his workday in meetings (a meeting is a
gathering of memo producers and nodders like himself) where he will nod his
head up and down to much that is said, give a satisfied smile, and leave the
meeting to go to another meeting or go back to his desk to make and nod over
more memos.  This worker will spend a great deal of time telling everyone he
meets how hard he is working.  This latter type of worker will get more money
for his work than the worker who is engaged in physical toil.  This fact
remains inexplicable because the worker who goes to the meetings and works
on "memos" doesn't seem to produce anything which another worker would wish
to buy.  We have never found anyone selling memos.  There just doesn't seem
to be any demand for them except at the workplace, and this demand seems to
be confined to other workers who nod and make and pass memos.

There are some workers, however, who have become so adept at screwing a nut
onto a bolt minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, that they get more
money than either of the other two types of workers.  He is made a member of
a union.

Money is the device used to purchase produced products.  This money consists
of pieces of paper (this paper is much different than a memo as it is
considered to have value) and denotes value above "change".  Change used to
be called "silver" and "copper", but now the "silver" is copper and the
"copper" has been made from aluminum.  The color of each of these particular
items has remained "silver" and "copper".  The reason for this has never been
disclosed.

In some places on Earth, many of the people have found that they do not have
to work at all to get money.  They just identify themselves as "poor,"
"disadvantaged," or as a "victim" of "the system"; they then receive money.
As the number of workers dwindles, and the number of these "poor",
"disadvantaged", or "victims" grows, there will one day be no workers; just
those receiving money by certifying their status as "poor", "disadvantaged",
or "victim".  There is no corresponding group replacing the workers making
products, so when the "poor", "disadvantaged", and "victims" have completely
replaced the workers, there will probably be nothing left to buy except old
memos.  This may be the means for creating a wider demand for that product.

%2S13
Title:    Alien Identification
Author:   Tomi Suviola  ([e-mail])
Written:  09/12/1992
Content:  Semi-real
Summary:  Some methods of Alien Identification.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Have you ever met an alien?  Probably yes, but you were also probably
unaware of the fact that he/she was an _alien_ (ie, extra-terrestrial).
Here are some ways to identify aliens.

Sure cases of aliens:

         1) If you see someone taking of his skin and revealing a coating
            of scales.

         2) If someone is eating living mice, rats, cats, dogs, horses,
            elephants, humans and cars.

         3) UFOs have landed and something has emerged from it.

Almost sure cases of aliens:

         1) If someone changes his/her appearance very fast.
            (For example, in a phonebooth.)

         2) Someone "loses" his/her pet animals daily/weekly.

         3) Man/woman with three or more hands or/and legs.

         4) Things that make intelligent sounds when touched.

Maybe a case of aliens:

         1) Someone leaves slimy blotch in his/her bed at night.

         2) His/her skin is red, green or blue.

         3) Someone does not look like a normal human.

         4) A person claims to be from outer space.

If you think that someone is an alien be sure before you blast them away.
If there are many, you may call to someone to help.  (Don't call the Police,
since they probably think you are crazy.)  If the aliens are friendly,
Don't Panic.  The only error you can make is to jump to a wrong conclusion.

%2S14
Title:    Alien Elimination
Author:   Tomi Suviola  ([e-mail])
Written:  19/01/1993
Content:  Semi-real
Summary:  Couple hints how to eliminate a hostile alien.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

When you meet hostile aliens, you should probably want to eliminate them
before the whole Earth is covered.  First you have to be (almost) sure it
is an alien you are going to deactivate (see "Alien Identification").
Here are some proven methods for exterminating aliens:

         1) Bare fists are in most cases too weak a weapon, unless you are
            a Cyborg.  But in emergency situations they may be the only
            useful way.

         2) Sticks of wood, or some kind of staff, are quite good in close
            combat.  These objects can be found in a local forest.

         3) The most effective close combat weapon is a club or baseball bat.
            Softer aliens may perish while you smash it with a club.  But if
            the alien is armored, you better run.

         4) The best weapon that a normal human can use is some kind of hand
            gun.  For example, a .44 Magnum is likely enough to stop most
            lightly-armored humanlike aliens.

         5) Against groups of aliens, hand grenades are quite good; they
            may not kill them, but should at least injure them.  Some of
            them may only be frightened, but then you have got some time
            to run away.

Eliminating is not always killing.  You may capture and torture the alien,
so it may promise not to come Earth again (if it survived torturing).

If you feel too weak to eliminate an alien, try to find some group powerful
enough to do it for you (and Earth).

Maybe the best solution is to make peace with the aliens instead.

%2S15
Title:    Kansas City, Missouri, USA, Earth
Author:   Jason Braddy  ([e-mail])
Written:  20/01/1993
Content:  Semi-real
Summary:  Why you should stay away from Kansas City, Missouri
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If, as a hitchhiker, you should ever find yourself in Kansas City, the
first thing you should do is find out what state you are in.  That is
because there are two Kansas Cities -- one in Kansas, and one in
Missouri.  What makes this even more confusing is that both Kansas
Cities are located in more or less the same place, right across the
river from each other.  If you find out that you are in Missouri,
leave (this holds true for other cities in Missouri as well).

In case you are delayed in the process of fleeing Missouri, however,
some words on Kansas City, Missouri (KC MO for short) are in order.  The
first thing to keep in mind when you are in KC MO is that the contrasts
between different areas of the city are extremely sharp.  That is to say,
you could be browsing through a store where a pair of socks cost more than
most people's wardrobes, walk two blocks, and find yourself in the Bronx.
Thus, the key to survival in KC MO is this: don't move.  If where you are
standing seems to be devoid of any immediate danger, stay there until a
native can direct you to the interstate.

Some of the more pleasant areas of KC MO can be enjoyable while you are
waiting for your National Guard escort.  The Plaza area, famous for
its exclusive shops, can be especially fun for those with a well-developed
sense of humor.  Aside from the obligatory clothes-that-must-be-must-
bestow-eternal-life-to-cost-that-much stores, there are many nice
restaurants, which are kind enough to post their menus outside so people
can see ahead of time that air costs ten dollars a breath, with oxygen being
five dollars extra.  For people with rare-Earth credit ratings, the food in
these places is reputed to be incredible, but actual reviews of the food
are rare, as the local newspapers could send a reporter on assignment to
Alpha Centauri cheaper than they could buy him a meal at one.

Another interesting feature of the Plaza is the preponderance of private
security guards roaming around.  These are not the same as mall security,
the main function of which is to show people that mall food is in fact
edible.  Plaza security carry guns, and are generally only slightly
friendlier than a rabid polar bear.  They almost always appear to be on
the verge of shooting someone, which makes sense when you consider that they
are effectively guarding a Ralph Lauren store in the middle of Lebanon.
It is also generally unadvisable to even look at an armored car in the Plaza,
as they have been specially modified to mount a recoilless rifle on the roof.

Another reasonably safe and amusing area of KC MO is known as the Crown
Center.  Where Plaza stores are expensive, Crown Center stores are, well,
specific.  They have entire stores devoted to socks.  Just socks.  Not shoes,
not accessories, just socks.  They also have a knack for selling things
that most people were unaware that they could buy, such as designer gravel
for five dollars a pound.

A final note: KC MO, is by definition, in Missouri.  This means that the
weather will be largely incapable of supporting human life.  Between March
and September, it will be hot enough to denature most proteins in about ten
minutes.  Coupled with the omnipresent humidity, the weather is about the
same as that on Venus, only the air is worse.  In fact, cases have been
documented where people actually exploded from the extreme temperature
gradient between the stores and the outside environment.

%2S16
Title:    Pizza
Author:   Jason Williams  ([e-mail], valid until March 1993)
Written:  17/01/1993
Content:  Semi-real
Summary:  Hot Pizza - Food of the Gods!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Across the known galaxy there are many varieties of food; so many in fact,
that the mighty computing centers of Zagulon Beta had this to say in their
report on the late great food-census:

         "Wow. There really is a lot of this stuff."

Despite this huge variety of foods, there are but a few which have met
near-universal acceptance.  The most common are foodstuffs based upon
hydrocarbons-with-an-attitude known as alcohols, including social
stimulants such as Gin and Tonic, inebriants such as beer, and genocidal
anti-nervous-system agents such as gold bricks wrapped in lemon.

The second most common group of foodstuffs are based upon a congealed
mammary fluid substance known as 'cheese'.  Although the gourmet may be
better acquainted with Quail a la Orange or Chocolate Moose, the appetite
of the hitch-hiker is most often presented with simpler (cheaper) dishes
which have their basis in cheese.

The pinnacle of cheese technology, far above even the English cheese-flavored
sandwich, the Swiss cheese-flavored fondue, and the French cheese-flavored
cheese, is the Italian Pizza.  Totally aside from being an awesome example
of Earth-originated food, this is a technological marvel in its own right,
having been invented during a period of unusually high technological
achievement known as the 'dark ages', though it is thought that fore-runners
of the modern day pizza were eaten by club-wielding Neanderthals during
the great pack-rat exodus of Three million BC.

A common method of serving normal meals is on a device known as a plate.
The pizza does away with this, however, by building an edible plate
substructure into the food itself.  This pizza base is a type of pastry- or
bread-like stuff made of a special type of dough called 'pizza dough'.

On top of this base, a tomato sauce is spread, for flavor, and in memory of
all the brave tomatoes that have died to perpetuate the great pizza
tradition.  This is covered with a variety of toppings which include olives
(hard green and black things that taste like olives, only saltier),
cabanossi (sausage), pepperoni (sausage), capsicum (the green stuff that you
pick off the pizza and drop into the box), mushrooms (ribbed fungi), sliced
tomatoes (brave, self-sacrificing vegetables), ham (dead pig), and other
delicious substances.  Some tropical-island natives and an odd German chap
have also been known to add pineapple, but this usually serves to make the
pizza taste as though it has pineapple in it, so is not recommended.

Once all these ingredients have been added, in generous handfuls, to the
base, they are covered by a huge pile of specially grated cheese, and then
fused together in a pizza oven at extremely high temperatures.  The disc-
shaped result is then cut into a number of triangular segments which is never
divisible by the number of people who will eat the pizza, and placed into
a cardboard delivery package called a 'pizza box'.

Pizza should not be eaten within three minutes of removal from the oven,
unless you are a masochist, in which case, you will enjoy the blisters on
your tongue which typically last for several agonizing days.  Pizza should
not be left for more than eight minutes after removal from the oven, lest
it degrade to too cool a temperature.  Pizza is hoopy only when served hot,
so that it is almost impossible to separate the portion of a slice in your
mouth from the portion outside your mouth by merely biting at the cheese.

Never block the air hole of the pizza box with your hands, as this results
in several undesirable effects:

         1)  A portion of your hand will become painfully hot, and you may
             be scarred for life

         2)  The aroma of the pizza will be trapped inside the box, so you
             won't be able to enjoy it

         3)  The pizza won't be able to breathe, and may suffocate to death.

The best Pizzas in the universe are to be found at their point of invention,
Italy, Earth.  However, in a few isolated regions of the galaxy, Italian
nationals have managed to squeeze their 'pizzerias' between fast food
joints and liquor shops, to bring the taste of Hot Pizza (tm) to their
esteemed clients.  Interestingly, the most successful appear to be those
which lie directly between a university and a liquor shop.

In times of dire hunger, the hitchhiker may be forced to eat pizza from
franchises known as Pizza Hut.  On the pizza scale, Pizza Hut usually rates
at about four or five out of ten, which is entirely edible.  However, for a
really really good pizza, you are directed to travel either to Italy, or to
Mission Bay, Auckland, New Zealand, to a little place called 'Mamma Mias'.

Mamma Mias lies between the University of Auckland and a liquor shop -- it
is somewhat distant (ten minutes in a car, five minutes in a student car)
from the University, but the trip is worth it, especially during Stage Four
Data Communications lectures [1].

Mamma Mias pizzas have never been known to rate less than seven out of ten,
and average an 8.7.  A pizza rating higher than 9.2 has not yet been
discovered.

On the cardboard delivery containers is the legend "Caution: These pizzas
can be habit forming".  Do not take this warning lightly!  There are known
to be literally dozens of cases of complete pizza-junkies from the University
of Auckland, with cholesterol levels so high that they practically have
cheese for blood.  But they are very delicious pizzas.

In the fine tradition of real pizza shops, while you stand around waiting for
your pizza to cook, you can listen to the dulcet tones of your host insulting
his staff in Italian, and inhale the delicate aroma of pizza wafting past on
the unconditioned, stuffy air.  This place has authentic ambience.

Once you have your pizza, you can go outside, watch as yuppies try to avoid
getting blood all over the bonnet of their BMW as you wander aimlessly
across the road, and enjoy your pizza on the picturesque concrete wall
which stops Mission Bay beach from moving a kilometer inland.

[ Aside: In its defense, there is a nice view of Auckland Harbour and
  occasionally people being eaten by sharks, and at night the fountain
  (when operational) gets lit up with pretty colored lights.  Also, hours
  of fun can be generated by drinking a local alcoholic substance known
  as 'Purple Death', and pretending to throw food to the seagulls, which are
  so stupid that they go for it every time.]

Oh, and a final warning: If a student from Auckland University ever says to
you, "Wanna go for a quick pizza?", make sure that you have at least two
(preferably three) hours available in which to do so before you answer "Yes."

See you there!

[1] For reasons undiscovered, the author's final grade for this paper was
    somewhat disappointing, but heck, I passed, so who cares?

%2S17
Title:    Plagiarism
Author:   Jason Williams  ([e-mail], valid until March 1993)
Written:  17/01/1993
Content:  Semi-real
Summary:  Plagiarism
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Plagiarism is the act of plagiarizing; Stealing of something (an invention,
idea, phrase, dictionary entry, or the like) and presenting it as your own.

Intergalactic copyright laws in most regions now outlaws plagiarism.  (From
the latin word 'plagiarus', meaning thief, kidnapper, plunderer.)

_The Encyclopedia Galactica_ has this to say about Plagiarism:

         "Plagiarism is the act of plagiarizing; Stealing of something (an
          invention, idea, phrase, dictionary entry, or the like) and
          presenting it as your own.

          Intergalactic copyright laws in most regions now outlaws
          plagiarism.  (From the latin word 'plagiarus', meaning thief,
          kidnapper, plunderer.)"

[ Ed. note: Any similarity between this article and any that may appear
  in another publication (a randomly chosen and purely hypothetical example
  of such being _The Encyclopedia Galactica_) is entirely coincidental. ]

%2S18
Title:    Moose Watching
Author:   Michael Winship
Written:  03/04/1993
Content:  Semi-real
Summary:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are two steps to moose watching.  The first, of course is obtaining
a moose.  The second, not obvious only to a blithering idiot, is to
watch the damn thing.

Obtaining a moose tends to be difficult, unless one happens to live
next door to you.  Since most of us, especially those of us in Ursa Minor,
don't have the convenience of having a moose as a neighbor, we advise you
to give up this ridiculous hobby now.  Moose (pl.) tend to be the most
boring creatures in creation, and they just look all wrong anyway.  Anyone
who has ever seen a moose will know what we are talking about.  Watching
them just stand there, for instance, they look even more awkward than a man
sent to the grocery store for tampons, or even worse, styling mousse.  Which
brings us to our next point.

No, it is not, I repeat NOT, considered moose watching to buy some mousse
in a grocery store, to set it in some natural-looking surroundings, and
to watch it.  Nothin' doin'.  It is often more rewarding than watching
the carbon-based life-form of the same pronunciation, however.  Seeing as
most beings do not look at mousse, but smear it in their hair, we suggest
not even considering watching it for obvious reasons.  For example, if one
was to get their moose/mousse mixed up, and tried to rub moose in their
hair, well, it just might work better than mousse and then you would just
find humans hunting the awkward creatures to extinction in hopes of a
fast buck (no pun intended, we swear).  Then they would be lost to probing
eyes everywhere.

Anyway, just knock the beast over its head and drag it to a field.  Go lay
in some concealing shrubbery and wait for it to regain consciousness.
Then lay back and enjoy as the moose stumbles about, trying to stand up
despite the head injury you've inflicted.  According to _The Official Moose
Watcher's Guidebook_, it is perfectly okay to use all of your eyes to watch
the moose stumble around.

%2U01
Title:    Thirty-Seven Ways To Deep Sea Fish With Four Feet Of Dental Floss
Author:   Mark Anthony Young and Kristian Wiklund
Written:  15/01/1992
Content:  Unreal
Summary:  A fun and challenging activity for the sports enthusiast
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is, of course, perfectly ludicrous to suggest that anyone can deep sea
fish with four feet of dental floss.  Dental floss is a controlled substance
in this galaxy, and possession of amounts in excess of 12 millimeters is
punishable by a fine of 30,000 Altarian dollars and/or seventy-five years at
hard labor.

Nevertheless, our researchers have braved untold horrors and the galactic
legal system (a horror that everyone should be told about) to bring you the
following list of ways that you might _try_ to deep sea fish with four feet
of dental floss.

          1) Go to the building at the end of Beeblebrox Lane (just about
     every city in the galaxy has a Beeblebrox Lane, and each has a large,
     decrepit building at the end; trust us, we've checked).  Knock three
     times slowly, then twice fast.  When they answer the door, say Zaphod
     sent you.  At the end of the hall you will see a door marked "Private.
     Do Not Enter."  Go in.  (Trust us.)  Address yourself to the person
     behind the desk (pay no attention to the armed thugs that will try to
     block your way, or possibly to kill you).  Say that you know where you
     can find some dental floss, and you'd like a deep sea fishing fleet for
     the information.  Settle for a single fishing vessel.  (Let us know if
     this works.)

          2) Stash the dental floss in a friend's home.  Phone Galactic
     Security and inform them that you know who's behind the recent rash of
     dental floss abuse in the area.  Use the reward money to buy a deep sea
     fishing vessel, and to get some plastic surgery done so that your friend
     can't find you when they get out.

          3) Stash the dental floss in your friend's home.  Phone them up and
     tell them that you know about the dental floss, but you won't squeal if
     they buy you a deep sea fishing vessel.  (If they balk, see number 2,
     above.)

          4) Become a judge of the Galactic Superior Court.  Find yourself
     guilty of possession of dental floss, and find yourself 30,000 Altarian
     dollars.  Pay the find from the department's petty cash, but lose the
     paperwork and use the cash to buy a fishing vessel.

          5) Find someone who can't count (they're all over the place).  Tell
     them you have one hundred feet of fishing line that you'll let them have
     if they take you deep sea fishing.  Use a foot ruler to measure out the
     dental floss, counting carefully: "one, two, five, one hundred."  Make
     sure they don't get close enough to detect the substitution.

          100) Go to Pandenteris V.  The oceans of that planet are remarkably
     shallow, obtaining a depth of no more than seven feet.  Wade into the
     sea (being careful not to fall off the continental shelf unless you are
     more than seven feet tall) and drop one end of the floss into the ocean,
     baited with some worm or other (do not use the local worms, since they
     are a protected species, and in any case they are so mean that they
     would shoot you if you looked sideways at them, let alone tried to make
     a meal of them for the Pandenterian fishes).  By local standards, you
     are now "deep sea fishing."

          85) Borrow a time machine from a friend (not the one you tried
     number 3 on).  Carefully note the time.  Every ten minutes for the next
     hour, take your dental floss back to the noted time (be sure to move
     somewhat to one side each time you go back).  Tie your piece of dental
     floss on to the end of the floss that is already there.  Leave the floss
     and return to when you came from.  When you get back you will find the
     two pieces tied together, resulting in a piece of dental floss twice as
     long as the one you took with you.  In this way you will double the
     length of the floss every ten minutes.  After sixty minutes you will
     have a piece of dental floss one hundred twenty-eight feet long.  Then
     you can try passing the floss off as fishing line (as in number 5) to
     people who _can_ count.  (Try to get out and back as quickly as
     possible, as the people from the Campaign for Real Time will be coming
     after that dental floss as soon as they can, which might be real soon
     since they also have access to time machines.)

          9) Buy some *bad* meat and boil it until it is *very* sticky.  Then
     take a walk down to the beach and throw the meat into the ocean.  The
     local fish community will eat of it and soon they notice that their
     teeth are unclean -- now it's time to do the actual fishing.

     Take a small piece of paper, write "Dental Floss Sale This Way" on it
     and draw an arrow pointing upward.  Tie one foot of the dental floss to
     the top of the sign.  (First you must disguise the dental floss by
     painting it red, simulating blood.  No one wants to use second-hand
     dental floss.) Tie the other end to a small flotation device.

     Next thing to do is to get a long stick (30-40 feet) and put a bucket at
     the end of it.  Type "Dental Floss Lives in This Bucket" on the bottom
     of it and tie the rest of the dental floss to the bucket handle so that
     the fish must jump between the actual bucket and its handle.

     Now, position the bucket-stick-thing hanging with the bucket a few
     inches above the water.  Throw the sign into the ocean and wait.

     Soon the fishes will start jumping out of the water, trying to reach the
     dental floss.  As some of them actually manage to get hold of the floss,
     they will end up in the bottom of the bucket.

          37) Go to the building at the end of Beeblebrox Lane.  Knock three
     times slowly, then twice fast.  When they answer the door, say Zaphod
     sent you.  Go down into the basement (be careful not to let the doorman
     see you go down).  Place a stick of Mega-Blast Explosives and
     Incendiaries' Best under the room at the end of the hall.  Bump into
     something, but try to make it sound like an accident (do NOT bump into
     the explosive, nor knock anything onto it -- you're trying to go
     fishing, not flying).  When the thugs from the room above find you, grin
     sheepishly and say "Oops."  You'll be with the fishes in no time (don't
     forget to take the dental floss)!

%2U02
Title:    Galactic Postal Service
Author:   Mark Anthony Young  ([e-mail])
Written:  24/01/1992
Content:  Unreal
Summary:  Through rain or sleet or dark of night, most of which don't exist in space
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Galactic Postal Service has a long and illustrious history, according to
their own private historian, Belthenk Milgrondius Pifter.  It was founded
back in the Late Imperial Period by Fronk Sindik Pifter.  At that time it was
called the Penny Post, and operated on the Milliways Principle.  That is, you
deposit one penny in a bank account and the cost of the mailing was collected
from the interest.

What the earlier Pifter failed to mention, and what many of his customers did
not know, was that the letter was not actually sent until enough interest had
accumulated to pay the rate.  This resulted in several letters not being
delivered until well after the addressee's demise.  These letters usually
could not be returned to the sender, since the sender too had shuffled off
this mortal coil (incidentally, many of them did not "shuffle off" at all,
but were rather dragged off, kicking and screaming, at the Great Penny Post
Protest, an event the latter Pifter does not mention in his histories: seems
some of the customers got wind of the fact that letters were not being sent
right away, and organized to get their money (and letters) back; some angry
words were exchanged, fighting broke out, and twenty-four people were killed;
the story was pushed off the news-casts by a rumor that Hotblack Desiato was
going to marry teenage super-model-singing-star-movie-star-plumber
Madonellica, in spite of his recent demise for tax purposes [ it never
happened -- ed. ] ).

When the delays inherent in the Penny Post became apparent, many customers
switched to the faster Angranthean Express.  This service required a greater
initial investment (the entire rate was paid up front), but sped your letter
through the galaxy, giving technicians ample time to refuel and maintain the
speedsters.  Unfortunately, it also gave them time to take the speedsters out
on joy-rides that more often than not ended up crashing into a local
uncharted asteroid (asteroid charts were notoriously inaccurate in those
days: Galactic Security had decided that accurate asteroid charts would be a
great boon to any invading space navy, so not having said charts would be a
great deterrent; the fact that more people were killed by uncharted asteroids
than by invading navies only encouraged the theorists at GS: "It must be
working, then," they said).

The Angranthean Express went bankrupt after only a few years of operation,
and was absorbed by the Penny Post, which then changed its name to the
Galactic Postal Service, which is what we have today.  It is to Belthenk
Pifter's eternal credit that he managed to convince us that this was an
interesting story.

Finally, we should note that GPS regulations require that all materials sent
by post be Quite Flame Proof.  This is tested by the simple expedient of
setting fire to every piece of mail that comes into their possession.  Since
no one office trusts any other office to do this test correctly, it is
carried out at every office on the letter's route.  This means that most mail
arrives in a charred state with numerous (partially burned) "Certified
Flameproof" stickers attached.

%2U03
Title:    Radio
Author:   Felix Buebl
Written:  11/01/1992
Content:  Unreal
Summary:  Radiomusic prevents spreading of AIDS
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the days when Disaster Area was only the nickname for hairdresser's shops
and not the later well-known chart-breaking band, this little planet had a
problem with a virus called HIV, spreading AIDS.

Many attempts were made to stop this various spreading, until a clean method
was developed.  This method is called _Radio_.

R.A.D.I.O. (Reach All Dulls In Order To Keep Them From Fucking Around - the
last parts of this abbreviation were later dropped because people believed
"Radiotktofa" to be a Russian abuse rather than a medical program) was used
to play the most nauseating music available.

Everyone who listened long enough to this repugnant garbage became impotent.
And the music was repulsive enough to keep even the viruses from reproducing.
So, the scientists had enough time to develop a cure.

A fascinating effect was, many inhabitants of Earth seemed to _enjoy_ this
music.  They were of course disappointed when - after a cure for AIDS had
been found -- the Air Force bombed the transmitters.

%2U04
Title:    Thirsty
Author:   Felix Buebl
Written:  14/01/1992
Content:  Unreal
Summary:  If you want to thing out, thing out.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Thirsty is the day which follows the WhensDay.  The Whensday is the day
when people say "when's this silly text ending?"  So tomorrow is the
thirsty, if you are not a camel.  Camels don't get thirsty, because they
can't read and so they won't be able to ask "when's this silly text ending,"
and thirsty can only come after whensday.

Boris Becker won't win any Wilbeldon on dueceday, so he becomes sadder and
sadder (they call it sadderday).  If he never wins, he must be week.

%2U05
Title:    Absolute Zero
Author:   Elizabeth Barett Revulsion
Written:  14/05/1992
Content:  Unreal
Summary:  Bitterness and Particle Physics
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Absolute Zero, 1.
-----------------
The exact amount of sympathy you can expect to get for your pathetic
little problems in this cold, hard, Bugblatter Beast eat Bugblatter Beast
universe.  Wake up, Bubbie!  This is the real Galaxy and none of your
mothers work here!  As the great Altairian philosopher Bobo the Plutarch
once said, "Laugh and the Galaxy laughs with you.  Cry, and some really
heinously unhoopy Vogon will rip out your vital internal organs and shove
them up your nose just because he's suffering from a little post-lunch gas
and wants to work off his frustration."

So this is my advice to you: fight hard.  Drink hard.  Walk alone.  Pack
a blaster that can take out a large metropolitan area.  If you meet a
strag, kick him in the shin and then while he's distracted gouge out
one eye and spit in the other one.  If you meet another hitchhiker, first
peel off all his skin with a Skinsu Skin Peeler (TM) and then cover him
with an inflammable substance and set him on fire.  Especially if that
hitchhiker is my SOB of an ex-boyfriend, Fluffy Ziffle, last seen in a
mint green El Camino Megajalopy headed for Golgafrincham.

Before you peel him, tell him I'm Extremely happy.  So happy they have to
sedate me and keep me in restraints so I don't do something dangerous
in the throes of sheer rapture.  Also, I don't care if he gives me my
Disaster Area record back!  And that goes double for what's-her-face!

Absolute Zero, 2.
-----------------
The temperature of 0 degrees Kelvin, at which all particle movement ceases.
The most interesting thing about 0 degrees Kelvin is that all music played
at this temperature closely resembles one song from an obscure planet
named "Earth". [see Earth]  The song is called "I Do Not Want What I Haven't
Got" and the songwriter is known as Sin Eadoconner for arcane reasons which
seem related to severe hair loss.

A temperature actually colder than 0 degrees Kelvin has been discovered in
the Movie Megatheathers of the Summer Planet of Thur.  There, the mean
temperature is -7 degrees Kelvin.  Interestingly, all music in the Movie
Megatheaters of the Summer Planet of Thur sounds like an extended dance
mix of "I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got" by Sin Eadoconner.  The
popularity of the Movie Megatheaters has declined rapidly in recent
years.

%2U06
Title:    Ligantis, Justice Lipo
Author:   Loren Haarsma  ([e-mail])
Written:  17/02/1992
Content:  Unreal
Summary:  Man can rationalize anything he has a mind to do.  - Benjamin Franklin
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Impartial; honest; hard-working; scholarly; trustworthy; compassionate; wise.
None of these words have ever been used to describe Junior Justice Lipo
Ligantis of the Galactic Supreme Court.  He is famous, or rather infamous, as
the second-best-known judicial figure in galactic history [ Ed. note:  after
His High Judgmental Supremacy, Judiciary Pag L.I.V.R. ] for his ability to
take any excellent idea, any wise decision, or any personally compromising
situation, and stand it on its head to his own advantage.

Lipo Ligantis began his climb to fame like so many of his fellow lawyers,
corporate executives, movie producers, and paranoid homicidal maniacs:  as a
play-by-play announcer for Brockian Ultra Cricket.  During one
fateful match, the tri-D picture feed was lost, but Lipo Ligantis continued
to describe the senseless violence, the blood, the mayhem, the acts of
carnage and depravity, and the sincere apologies, with such flair and penache
that his viewership rating not only held steady, but actually grew at a
remarkable rate so that, four hours later when the picture feed was finally
repaired, Lipo's descriptions no longer bore the slightest resemblance to
what was actually happening on the playing field.  The network executives,
quick to spot the trend, called their accountants, who in turn called their
sponsors' accountants, who in turn called the playing teams' accountants, who
called the team managers, who called the coaches, and thereafter every game
of Brockian Ultra Cricket was carefully choreographed to follow Lipo's
pre-written format.

The game, the network, and Lipo Ligantis were all rocketing in popularity
when, during one such game, it was suddenly revealed that the whole thing was
a hoax.  It was then that he first showed his genius for quick thinking.
Facing the horrible wrath of ten billion upset Brockian Ultra Cricket fans,
Lipo hastily handed out musical instruments to all the players, thereby
launching the career of what immediately became one of the most popular heavy
metal rock bands in galactic history, while Lipo's play-by-play scripts
became the most listened-to and most often-quoted rock lyrics of that era.

During his career as a rock band manager, Lipo Ligantis' fame continued to
grow because of his well-publicized acts of unspeakable cruelty, his drug
deals of astonishing scope and intricacy, and his speeches of breathtaking
arrogance (and, occasionally, political subversion), all of which he
performed on stage while introducing his band at live concerts.  His
OFF-stage activities are rather too numerous to summarize here; they can be
found in _The Annals of Galactic Jurisprudence_ Volumes 1345-1521.  At his
peak, in addition to managing the rock band, Lipo Ligantis was successfully
defending himself in over 1358 criminal and civil cases simultaneously.

He then disappeared into the shadowy underworld of recording company
executives and music publication deals.  Nothing is known of his activities
except that, two years later, he emerged with a 75 percent controlling
interest in every major musical group then existing.  [ Ed. note:  due to
our failure to receive any reports during the last week, we are once again
opening up the post of Recording Industry Correspondent.  Orphans only need
apply. ]

It was at this point that then Galactic President Thralby Twobedo appointed
Lipo Ligantis to the Supreme Court.  For the next two years, the most watched
channels on the sub-etha bands were those carrying the Galactic Senate's
confirmation hearings.  Meanwhile, with the attention of the Senate, the
media, and the entire galactic law enforcement community fixed on the past
and present activities of Ligantis, President Twobedo and his administration
were able to systematically pillage the government of practically all of its
assets and then slip into immensely wealthy and inexplicably obscure
retirement.

When Ligantis was finally allowed to speak in his own behalf at the Senate
hearings, he did not deny any of the charges leveled against him.  Instead,
he argued with such eloquence, that since he had personally broken virtually
every law ever written he was in a very good position to adjudicate such
matters, that he was confirmed unanimously.

Justice Lipo Ligantis' dialectic skills served him well on the Court, where
he wrote some of the most famous dissenting opinions ever conceived.  Among
the most remarkable are "Impoverished Citizens of Beyard Minor vs. the
Military Industrial Complex", in which he argued that peacetime is the best
time to spend massive amounts of money to develop new weapons systems (there
are fewer distractions then); "Teachers Association vs. the Galactic Board of
Education" in which he showed that the best way to raise children to be good,
intelligent, happy, and hard-working citizens is to forbid schools from
teaching any systematic form of morality whatsoever; "The State vs. Allegra
Pileria" in which he ruled that in order for the police to arrest anyone,
they must first have a letter signed by a judge stating their intention NOT
to arrest the individual (thereby insuring "good faith" on the part of the
police); and "The Galactic Supreme Court vs. Junior Justice Lipo Ligantis"
in which he reasoned that the rulings of the Court itself were invalid and
that therefore only his own dissenting opinions had the force of law.

It was of course because of his ability to present utter nonsense in such a
compelling form, as demonstrated in these decisions and many more like them,
that, upon his retirement from the Court, Ligantis was immediately offered
the job of President of the Marketing of Division of the Sirius Cybernetics
Corporation, a post which he held until his final, highly-publicized, utterly
mysterious, and completely predictable, disappearance.

There can be little doubt that Lipo Ligantis' presence on the Court caused a
great deal of resentment among his fellow Justices, not to mention the entire
legal community.  Ligantis could virtually determine the Court's position on
any case simply by advocating the opposite view.  Indeed, most scholars at
the Ligantis Institute for Clever Thinking today agree that this is
precisely what he did, although his dissenting opinions were so well-argued
that they frequently became law a few years later anyway.  However, a growing
minority of scholars argue that THIS in fact is what Justice Ligantis had in
mind all along.

%2U07
Title:    Easy Ways To Save Money
Author:   Seppo J Niemi  ([e-mail])
Written:  11/03/1992
Content:  Unreal
Summary:  A few good hints how to save lots of money easily
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saving money is really important for a modern hitch-hiker. In the past,
rovers (the equivalent of modern hitch-hiker) were often given food
and lodgings in large, wealthy farmhouses for free; and if they were
lucky, they might even get a chance to sneak into the daughter's
bedroom.

Nowadays, you have to pay for everything.  It is generally known, even
among the economists (who usually don't know more about anything at
all than a shrimp somewhere in the Atlantic ocean knows about Italian
pizza), that there is no such thing as a free lunch.  Simply staying
alive is so expensive that only few can actually afford it.  Trying to
find a cheap place to spend the night is becoming more and more
difficult, especially in the larger cities, where you will most probably
have to rent an expensive room.  And if you want to sneak into somebody's
bedroom, that's going to cost you a fortune.  Trying to save every penny
you can is therefore vitally important.

Since it is often said that saving money is very hard, almost impossible,
here are a few tips to help a hitch-hiker realize that it is not.  Saving
is actually just about the easiest thing imaginable.

First thing to do in order to save money is to start smoking at least
three or four packets of cigarettes a day.  If that doesn't seem to be
enough, you can always start drinking as well; but you must remember
to drink only the best whiskeys and wines available.  And if you want
even bigger savings, gambling is the next step.

It may not be obvious to the reader how all these things can help to
save money.  But imagine how much you will save when you stop doing
them.  Quitting smoking and drinking alone means remarkable savings.
Not to mention how much more money not gambling any more will leave
you with.

If you happen to be living in a country where everything is so expensive
that you can hardly afford to have your hair cut, you have several easy
ways of saving money. Take Finland for example; in Finland, everything is
taxed beyond all sense of proportion, especially alcoholic drinks.  If you
go to an average pub, disco or restaurant in Finland and want to buy of
pint of lager (it isn't even a pint, but a lousy half liter) it will cost
you 25 FIM. At the current rate of exchange, it is a bit over three pounds
sterling or some six US dollars.

When you leave this country and travel to Britain, for example, you
can get two, almost three pints for the price of one in Finland.  Therefore,
every pint you drink means a lot of saved money.  The more you drink, the
more you save; makes sense, doesn't it?

To save even more (and I'm talking about Big Money here), you should
choose a car.  For example, a large brand new Mercedes with as much
additional everything as possible, electric this, heated that, etc.  You
can choose any car you like; the only thing that matters is that it
should cost at least 200,000 local currency units, or a couple of hundred
millions more if you live in Italy.  You should dream of this car
passionately; spend at least five hours daily staring at the beauty through
the shop window and drooling against the glass, until the shop keeper sends
you a bill for having to clean the window every day.

Then, one day you should decide to buy the thing.  Put on your best clothes
and walk into the shop wearing a grim determined face of a man who is going
to buy the car-in-the-window.  The trick of saving here is to change your
mind a second before you sign anything, before you actually buy it, and to
walk away from the shop.  And there you are, a man who has just saved
200,000.  For bigger savings still, you can decide not to buy yourself a
private jet airplane, or an oil tanker.

And just imagine how much money you have saved for not buying Australia.

%2U08
Title:    Important Tips for Youngsters
Author:   Mark A Young  ([e-mail])
Written:  07/06/1992
Content:  Unreal
Summary:  Remember your GPS official address, or get used to travelling
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is important for all little beings to know their exact address.  If you
were carried off by a wandering Snorshil's Beast, you would want to be able
to get back home (unless you happened to BE a wandering Snorshil's Beast, in
which case home would be the last place you would want to go, with Snorshil's
Planet having been overrun by Knights in Shining Armor who have taken up The
Quest of the Snorshil's Beast.  These Knights have vowed to go to Snorshil's
Planet and not to leave until they have captured a Beast.  Unfortunately for
them, their presence in such numbers has managed to drive every Beast from
the planet.  Trapped by their vows, they now mostly sit around polishing
their armor and bemoaning the lack of damsels in distress, or even damsels
of any sort, since all people not required to be on Snorshil's Planet have
been ordered off to protect their eyes from the reflections off several
thousand over-polished suits of armor.)

In any case, whether carried off by wandering Beasts or simply marooned by a
malfunctioning teleport, you should know your correct address in -- and this
is the important part -- in the official Galactic Postal Service Format.
It's no use knowing your address in any other format, since the GPS will not
deliver a package unless it is correctly addressed.  And, of course, the most
efficient way for young beings to get home is to mail themselves.

The official GPS address format is really not all that hard to remember: the
system name and planet number go first, followed by the planet's name in
parentheses, then the name of the galactic arm, the house number, street,
city, political division and country.

For example:

     George Bush,
     Sol III (Earth),
     Orion Arm,
     1600 Pennsylvania Avenue,
     Washington, DC, USA

(This address is actually useless, since the GPS doesn't deliver to Sol III
since that planet was demolished to make way for a hyperspatial express
route.  The planet has since been rebuilt, but when the GPS was informed of
this, their official response was: "Who cares?  No one important lives there
anyway.")

If you happen to live on a planet that has no street numbers, then just leave
it off:

     Sir Beddelly Begreaves of the Brilliant Bever,
     Menactae IV (Snorshil's Planet),
     Sagittarius-Carina Arm,
     Road of the Glistening Gauntlets,
     Bilton's Manor, County Miedds, Costagol
     ***WEAR DARK GLASSES***

(This address also shows the correct way to present special instructions.)
Any other variations are not allowed, according to GPS official policy.  If
any other piece of information does not apply, it should be replaced by the
word "None."  Thus:

     Paul Clegg,
     None (None),
     None,
     None,
     None, None, None
     ***SHOOT SELF AFTER DELIVERY***

If the young being keeps its head and remembers its address in the proper
format, there is no reason it shouldn't get back home within a few standard
days.  If not, well, the Snorshil's Beast is actually a pretty good
travelling companion -- and they do have the galaxy's best collections of
cool sunglasses.

%2U10
Title:    Walking Through Mountains
Author:   Jeremy Goldman
Written:  01/05/1987
Content:  Unreal
Summary:  One of the more impossible things you can attempt...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

One of the more impossible things you can attempt if bored is trying to get
_through_ a mountain, instead of being normal and going over like ordinary
people.  It has been said that necessity is the mother of invention, but
very few people have tried, or even considered trying, this stunt.
Therefore, we have no information.

However, we will not leave you empty-handed.  Similar to flying, the point
is to make physics completely ignore the fact that what you are doing is
completely impossible.  This could be said for most of the things that are
(supposably) impossible.  We figure that if you are sufficiently distracted
by, say, a nice pair of legs, anything is possible.

In the words of the great (maybe) singer Weird Al, "Dare to be stupid."

%2U11
Title:    Recreational Impossibilities
Author:   Jeremy Goldman
Written:  02/05/1987
Content:  Unreal
Summary:  Fun and games for the Improbable Sports enthusiast
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the universe, there are several things that are considered Recreational
Impossibilities (depending on your species of course) that people try doing
to relive their boredom.  If you are one of those rich kids who are tired of
doing silly things such as being a teaser, here's something new.

These listings are in the Guide somewhere, so don't panic.

         1. Flying - one of the most popular Recreational Impossibilities.

         2. Walking Through Mountains - Now this is a hard one.  But look it
            up anyway.

         3. Trying To Get The Brantisvogan Civil Service To Acknowledge A
            Change of Address - Boffo

         4. Learning To Play The Octaventral Heebiephone - Since this is
            only possible if you have eight mouths, a pleasantly futile
            task.

         5. Surviving Within A Five-Mile Radius Of A Disaster Area Concert
            - see Disaster Area

         6. Reading Vogon Poetry Without Going Mad - Hoo boy.  See poetry.

         7. Surviving A Whelk's Chance In A Supernova - Don't mind the
            Whelk.

         8. Learning All The Languages In The Galaxy - Listen up you
            immortals!  Here's something to get your mind off things.

         9. Trying To Become Immortal - Many people have ended up looking
            very silly, or very dead, or both, trying this.  See Immortals.

         10. Figuring Out The Question To The Answer To Life The Universe
             And Everything - good luck!

         11. Trying To Pay With An American Express Card - Don't try this in
             the Old Pink Dog bar.

         12. Surviving Any Of The Above - Don't ask why, but if you are
             bored, anything will do.

%2U12
Title:    Milliways Principle
Author:   Mark A Young  ([e-mail])
Written:  16/08/1992
Content:  Unreal
Summary:  This is totally impossible, and yet it works.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Milliways principle is one of the most ingenious inventions of the
banking industry, second only to compounding interest, free toasters with
a new account, and those little windows that close when someone wanting
money approaches (this latter invention has totally revolutionized life
on Al-Deneb VI, where it is considered extremely rude to refuse to lend a
friend a few Altairian dollars -- even if the ungrateful bastard has
already touched you fifty times in the past week for more than your annual
income and has no job and no prospect of getting a job because no employer
will see him because they're afraid he'll ask for a seven-year advance in
his salary even tho' he hasn't been hired yet and they'll be forced to give
it to him because it would be rude not to -- on Al-Deneb VI they carry these
windows around in front of them wherever they go -- it saves them a lot of
money -- even taking into account the royalties they pay to the banks).

The Milliways principle is named for Milliways restaurant.  In order to pay
the outrageous rates that eatery charges, the patrons deposit one penny in
a bank in their own time period.  The tab is paid from the interest built up
over the trillions of years that penny sits in the bank.  When Milliways
comes to collect, the bank charges a service fee amounting to several
percent of the charge -- usually just enough to empty out the account.  Both
the bank and the restaurant then use TFT (Temporal Funds Transfer) to take
their profit back to some time when there were still things to buy with
their fabulous wealth.

(OK, so when you count them up, the Milliways principle is the fifth most
ingenious idea that the banking industry has come up with.  I never claimed
to be very good at this counting stuff.  On my accountant's advice I leave
that to her.)

%2U13
Title:    i
Author:   Daniel Carosone
Written:  02/01/1987
Content:  Unreal
Summary:  i, the square root of -1, is 42.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Question to the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe,
and Everything...

   1) The Answer to the Question is 42.

      [ Ed. note -- unfortunately for the premise of this entire article,
        the factuality of the above statement is currently under debate;
        once enough persuasion from one side or the other finally resolves
        the issue, this article, and perhaps many of the others, shall
        definately be updated (maybe). ]

   2) Marvin, amongst numerous other complaints, claimed to have a brain the
      size of a planet.

   3) Marvin, like other robots, has a computer-based brain.

   4) The Earth is a planet.

   5) The Earth was built by the mice as a computer, the only such planet or
      computer ever built.

   6) By (2), (3), (4), and (5), the Earth must therefore be Marvin's brain.

   7) The sole purpose of the Earth's program was to discover the Ultimate
      Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything.

   8) Marvin once announced that he had, in a moment of boredom, found the
      square root of -1, something never before done in the history of the
      universe, and previously believed by all sensible hyper-intelligent
      beings to be possibly the most difficult task to undertake, as it was
      dependent on the very structure of the Universe. (Most normally-
      intelligent beings gave up, dismissing it as impossible.)

   9) Marvin announced that he felt a brief, but deep, sense of satisfaction
      after having accomplished the achievement in (8).

  10) The Earth was apparently destroyed just as the purpose of its program
      was fulfilled, and a Question had been found.

  11) By (7), the Earth computer would have felt a deep sense of
      satisfaction at having achieved the task it was designed to fulfil.

  12) By (10), the sensation in (11) would have been brief.

  13) By (6), and by the fact that emotional feelings are based in the
      brain, the feelings in (9), (11) and (12) are the same single feeling.

  14) Finding the Ultimate Question was deemed to be the single most
      difficult task undertaken by hyper-intelligent beings in the history
      of the universe, as it was dependant on the very structure of the
      Universe -- as well as Life and Everything.

  15) By (6), (8), (13), and (14), Marvin (the Earth) had clearly solved the
      Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything.

  16) By (8) and (15), the Question is "What is the square root of -1?".

  17) By (1) and (16), the square root of -1 is 42.

%2U14
Title:    Shadowlight
Author:   Jason Williams  ([e-mail], valid until Feb. 1993)
Written:  20/10/1992
Content:  Unreal
Summary:  Shadowlight: Proven cause of shadows
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

It had been thought until this time that shadows were merely the absence of
light; but an innovative research team from the University of Lower Sodbury
has ruined that perfectly good theory by discovering a new wavelength of
light -- that responsible for shadows.

Doctor Bob Wigglebottom, head of the research team, explains the accidental
discovery that instigated the research:

     "While fiddling around one day with a couple of uwave fluxometers and a
     jug of Bozleys Best Bitter, I noticed a peculiar thing.  But it went
     away again when I stopped moving my head.  Anyway, after that I noticed
     that when the fluxometers were waved in the shadow of the beer, there
     were some slight, unexpected fluctuations in the readings on the U.W.F.
     I tried it again, only sober this time, and noted the same effect.
     I began thinking about the possible cause...".

After 2 years of painstaking research and extra-long lunch breaks, the
Sodbury team have gathered enough data to reveal their discovery -- the
fascinating world of Shadowlight.

Shadowlight is a form of light which exists at very small wavelengths, far
beyond the visible spectrum.  It has a smaller wavelength even than
microwaves, enabling it to propagate through solid objects (without exciting
their molecules and making them explode, as luck would have it).  As it
passes through solids, shadowlight excites the dark particles lying within
them, causing a current* of dark in the same direction.  Thus, dark can be
seen flowing out of the side of objects facing away from the light source.
Transparent objects contain a much lower dark density, and thus produce
weaker shadows.

[A related discovery of the team explains the danger of standing under a
levitated piano: Should the dark inside slip, it can be propelled towards
the ground by shadowlight at very high velocity, and if it hits a person,
it can supersaturate their eyes and brain with dark so that they are
temporarily blinded and fall unconscious. (Often the piano will also be
sucked down by the vortex created by the sudden movement of dark, which can
cause great damage and may get blood on the piano.)]

It is thought that if Newton was aware of the way in which solar Shadowlight
accelerates dark, which in turn applies a downward force to solid objects,
our concept of gravity would be quite different.

This phenomenon is also responsible for the movement of rivers: as solar
shadowlight reflects down from snowcapped mountains, it drives deep into
the river, pushing the dark downhill.  The slight friction between dark
particles and water particles pushes the water.  This moving water in turn
pushes the water that lies further down out of sight of the mountains,
until it flows out into the sea.

Although the emitted dark is carried out of the solid by the shadowlight, it
tends to spread out slightly as it leaves the object, resulting in a fuzzy
edge (the shadow penumbra).  Test this for yourself - as you move an object
further from its shadow, the shadow spreads out and gets fuzzier and
fainter.  This is because the cone-shaped flow of dark is being spread out
over a larger area, and is therefore diluted by more light.

Postulating that objects 'recharge' by absorbing dark during the night, the
team set up an experiment where objects were continuously exposed to a 100
watt dark sucker.  After 3 months the observed shadows had not weakened, and
it was then that an able young student realized that the dark sucker had
been running on 50Hz AC power, and that dark was able to leak back into the
objects between AC cycles.  Experiments are planned to use a second bulb
with a 90 degree phase-lag to provide a more constant dark vacuum, as soon
as the funding for the extra bulb comes through from the University Senate.

Doctor Wigglebottom is now collaborating with Bell Laboratories on research
into the potential uses of solar shadowlight in driving dark through
power-generating turbines.

* Dark current is measured with an SI unit based upon the number of negative
candelas of light (or positive candelas of dark) emitted from an
appropriately excited black-body object (such as a Nubian woman's brazier,
heated to body temperature, and folded to make a roughly spherical shape),
the 'candelabra'.

%2U15
Title:    Prophet Margin, The
Author:   John F De Ryckere  ([e-mail])
Written:  04/12/1992
Content:  Unreal
Summary:  A history of the Greatest Disciple since... well, Ever!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

As most beings in the universe already know, Prophet Jake Margin was, and
most likely will always be, the most influential and revered religious figure
of all time.  As opposed to most holy rollers who preached about doing good
to others, this most absolutely irrefutably righteous dude preached about
being good to oneself.  Even, I might add, if it meant being not so good to
your fellow man, insectoid, sentient energy field or what have you.  The good
Prophet originally was one of the more mainstream misguided followers taking
vows of chastity, poverty and other horrible vows.  His religious beliefs
(and the universal economy) were forever changed when he was visited by God
after a nasty fall off of the altar.  As he was convalescing in his hospital
bed with a rather nasty concussion, God visited him (in the form of a talking
bed pan of all things).

The conversation, according to Margin, went as follows:

     God:     Salutations, Margin.  Have I got some news for you!
     Margin:  What?  Who's talking?  Where are you hiding?  Is this Alachoo's
              Funniest Home HoloVids?
     God:     It is I, your God, Margin.  I have brought news of great
              Import.  I am speaking through this bed pan.

At this point Prophet Margin was rapt with attention, although somewhat
dismayed at the form his God would take.

     M:  Are you off your rocker?  God would not take the form of a bed pan!
         Perhaps as a nice potted plant, but a bed pan?  Never!
     G:  I would, and I did.
     M:  Then prove it!
     G:  I know why you fell off of the altar Margin.
     M:  (trembling) Y-you do?
     G:  Yes, I know all.  I would have previously struck you with lightning
         for drunkenness on duty, but this little tidbit changes everything.
     M:  (Astonished)  You must be the real thing.  Heavy.  And I'm to be
         your messenger?  I'm not worthy...
     G:  Yes I know, but good messengers are hard to find these days.  My
         news is this.  All of my disciples must set forth to maximize their
         net worth.  Tell them to become filthy rich at all costs.
     M:  But I thought you said to be rich in spirit, to shun material
         wealth!
     G:  I changed my mind.  I can do that, you know.  Tell them to become
         rich, millionaires even.  They can use whatever means are at their
         disposal.
     M:  Any means?
     G:  Yes, any means.  Suppose you were under the blistering suns of the
         desert world Kunth'k.  You have an ample supply of water, food and
         so on.  Through the desert comes crawling a bedraggled millionaire.
         Days without food and water.  What do you do?
     M:  Why, I give him some of my food and water, of course!  It is the
         right thing to do.
     G:  Screw the right thing!  You take him for all he is worth.  Give him
         food and water, but only after he agrees to relinquish his millions.
     M:  I can't preach that -- it's heresy!
     G:  Well it came from me, so it can't be heresy.  I'll tell you what:
         as my messenger you should be rewarded.  All my followers will have
         to give you ten percent of their wealth.
     M:  Well, I suppose it isn't that bad.  I mean after all, the guy still
         does get food and water.  I suppose in fact a lot more people would
         be willing to help out that fellow.  OK, yeah, I think it's a good
         idea.  A great one in fact!  I'd be delighted to preach your word!
     G:  Oh, by the way, Margin.  Forget the chastity bit as well.  Sex is
         now a valuable commodity.
     M:  Really.  You mean I'm free to have sex?
     G:  Yes, you're free to have sex.  And not just with yourself any more.
     M:  (blushing) Right!

With this, Prophet Margin went into the universe preaching the new and
improved word of God.  He did meet some resistance from the 'old guard' of
the priesthood, but this resistance dwindled as the money from penances
started to earn the converted priests better temples, rectories, and
expensive retreats on the more temperate planets.

All civilizations pay homage to this guy now, even back-water ones such as
that found on Earth.  You will often hear earth-bred humans speak of
maximizing their profit margin.  It may have been a bit corrupted, but the
connection is still obvious!

While the message of Prophet Margin was to have an everlasting effect on
history, the same can not be said for him.  While travelling the vast void of
space he was again visited -- this time by a voice which told him that the
vacuum outside his luxury space-yacht was in fact, quite hospitable.  The
voice was dead wrong.

%2U16
Title:    Computerats
Author:   Steven K. H. Siew  ([e-mail])
Written:  23/01/1993
Content:  Unreal
Summary:  Description of the Computerat, an organic computer
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lesser known fact of the unknown universe is the existence of organic
computers.  Until fairly recently, most people were under the impression
that computers were made, not evolved; however this myth was later
computed to be utterly false to the sixth heximal place.

On an obscure little planet called Gerdine in the Habsobin star system,
hidden behind the dark Magellan Clouds, there lives a race of creatures
uncommonly known as Computerats.  These creatures were first discovered
by a psychopath serial killer by the name of Sebriga on the run from
Galactic Police about sixty years ago (relative to the time frame of
the Galactic Center).

The first thing that struck the killer when she saw one of the
creatures was a small piece of rock which landed painfully on her
forehead, thrown by the creature's companion which was distressed at the
sight of its mate being sawed in half.  The killer tried to communicate
with the computerat but it failed to understand her peaceful message of
waving her hacksaw in the air.  Instead, the computerat screamed back,
"Nyot diat diat nyot diat diat nyot diat nyot!"

Sebriga then realized that these creatures communicate in binary fashion.
She translated the words as "Nyot" is "1" and "Diat" is "0" [ Ed. note:
it could be the other way around ].  Further observations revealed the
following amazing facts.

First, the creatures are about the size of pigs, but look rather like rats.
The computerats have eight limbs and live on datapacks (another lifeform
on the planet).  Most of the time the computerats are on GOTOs going from
one subroutine to another for no apparent reason, and sometimes suffer
CRASHs with other computerats.  If this should ever happen, the two
computerats would starve to death as follows:

         REPEAT
           CRASHing
         UNTIL the other dies;

But the most interesting aspect of computerats are their sex lives,
which, incidently, pleased Sebriga greatly.

When a computerats enters its reproduction period, its clockrate doubles
from 12 Megalifecycle to 24 Megalifecycle.  This is observed by the fact
that the computerats move and think twice as fast as normal.  The
computerat would find a mate (the computerats are asexual) who is also in
"heat".  It's easy to detect a computerat in heat; its CPU (Central
reProduction Unit) would be so hot that some fear they might melt by its
extreme heat.  The reproduction itself is by BINARY fusion, where the binary
instructions from both computerats merge to produce a new set of
instructions for the newborn computerat.  The greatest danger during this
period is VDU (Virus Downloading Unnotice) or, as some call it, Venereal
Disease Unicode.  This has the effect of both computerats terminating the
processes, aborting the PROGRAM altogether.

Another aspect of the computerats is that they can solve extremely
complex logical problems in microseconds while being stumped for days by
a simple non-logical problem.  Recently there was an illegal trade
involving computerats as replacement parts for mainframe computers; to
this day, the Galactic Police are still trying to capture the mastermind
behind this trade -- a person by the name of Sebriga.

%2U17
Title:    Hailing a Taxi on Mars
Author:   Scott Bale (aka Wild Cheese)
Written:  09/04/1993
Content:  Unreal
Summary:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mars and the many cultures therein, although enlightened, have some weird
quirks.  Among them is the taxi hailing ritual.  Practiced chiefly in the
larger cities of the A'Grumpf'yo ("Wily-Speckled moose-like creatures that
smell of fruit"), it is inevitably a surprise to tourists and rarely
executed the correct way.

The A'Grumpf'yo people believe that a sacrifice must be made to the Martian
god of taxis, Moo.  The proper procedure is to sacrifice a small salad on
the side of the road; this is done by dousing it with gasoline and igniting
it, then beating it to a pulp with a stick.  Although it seems odd to
attempt to sacrifice a salad, which is clearly not a living entity (anymore),
this fact is either lost to the Martians or they refuse to acknowledge it
due to the strength of tradition.

A taxi driver, upon seeing a potential customer waving the maimed salad,
pulls over and the second part of the ritual agreement begins.  The
customer-to-be dons the salad bowl (on his head), sits on the top of the
cab and moos his appreciation to the god Moo; the taxi driver pops the
hood of the car and "feeds" the salad sacrifice to the automobile by
stuffing it in a special tank made for that purpose, which distributes the
scent of the salad incense throughout the vehicle, which supposedly is
found pleasing by Moo.  Gifts are exchanged between the driver and
customer, at which point the driver proceeds to take the customer to his
destination.

%Author
 Alex Miller  ([e-mail]) < Program Structure Wars=>2R23>
 Alex Miller  ([e-mail]) < Windows=>2R18>
 Alexander Lachlan McLintock   ([e-mail]) < Real Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The=>1R16>
 Alexander Lachlan McLintock  ([e-mail]) < Filks=>1R14>
 Alexander Lachlan McLintock  ([e-mail]) < Imperial College Science Fiction Society=>1R15>
 Andrew Mark Kuchling  ([e-mail]) < Gravity=>2R21>
 Andrew Mark Kuchling  ([e-mail]) < McGill University, Montreal, Quebec, Canada, Earth=>2R22>
 Brian K. Dore'  ([e-mail]) < New Orleans, Louisiana, USA, Earth=>1R04>
 Cem Unsal  ([e-mail]) < Telephone Bills=>2R16>
 Craig Hill  ([e-mail]) < Light=>2S02>
 Daniel Bowen  ([e-mail]) < Australia, Earth=>2S06>
 Daniel Bowen  ([e-mail]) < Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Earth=>2S05>
 Daniel Bowen  ([e-mail]) < Party Hints=>2R07>
 Daniel Carosone < i=>2U13>
 Daniel Robert Risacher < Massachusetts Institute Of Technology=>1R02>
 David McGregor Squire  ([e-mail]) < Watermelon Rituals=>2R17>
 David Richard Tabb  ([e-mail]) < Economic Benefits Of Pollution, The=>1R08>
 Dennis Holmes  ([e-mail]) < Definitely Correct Speech=>1S04>
 Dennis Holmes  ([e-mail]) < Telephones=>1R17>
 Elizabeth Barett Revulsion < Absolute Zero=>2U05>
 Elmer Fudd  ([e-mail]) < Fire=>1R06>
 Felix Buebl < Radio=>2U03>
 Felix Buebl < Thirsty=>2U04>
 Geraldo Xexeo  ([e-mail]) < Geneva, Switzerland, Earth=>2R02>
 Geraldo Xexeo  ([e-mail]) < Rio De Janeiro, Brazil, Earth=>1R03>
 Hanno Liem  ([e-mail]) < Solutions To Drinking Problems=>2R12>
 J. David Dickens  ([e-mail]) < Art=>1U02>
 Jason Braddy  ([e-mail]) < Kansas City, Missouri, USA, Earth=>2S15>
 Jason Corley  ([e-mail]) < Chess=>1S02>
 Jason Williams  ([e-mail], valid until Feb. 1993) < Shadowlight=>2U14>
 Jason Williams  ([e-mail], valid until March 1993) < Pizza=>2S16>
 Jason Williams  ([e-mail], valid until March 1993) < Plagiarism=>2S17>
 Jeremy Goldman < Recreational Impossibilities=>2U11>
 Jeremy Goldman < Walking Through Mountains=>2U10>
 Jesper Hogstrom < Dark Suckers=>2S07>
 Jesse Mundis  ([e-mail]) < Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute=>2R04>
 Jim Cheetham  ([e-mail]) < Bluffer's Guides, The=>1R07>
 John F De Ryckere  ([e-mail]) < Prophet Margin, The=>2U15>
 Klaus v. Knoblauch  ([e-mail]) < Berlin, Germany, Earth=>2R06>
 Leigh J C Kennedy  ([e-mail]) < University of Western Sydney, New South Wales, Australia, Earth=>2R25>
 Lloyd T. Rich  ([e-mail]) < Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster -- Terran Version=>1S01>
 Loren Haarsma  ([e-mail]) < Algonquin Park, Ontario, Canada, Earth=>2R05>
 Loren Haarsma  ([e-mail]) < Car Talk=>1R05>
 Loren Haarsma  ([e-mail]) < Harvard Square, Boston, Massachusetts, USA, Earth=>2R03>
 Loren Haarsma  ([e-mail]) < Ligantis, Justice Lipo=>2U06>
 Loren Haarsma, Andrew Mark Kuchling  ([e-mail]) < Problems With Democracy=>2S03>
 Loren Haarsma, Andrew Mark Kuchling  ([e-mail]) < What To Do When Your Elected Head Of State Embarrasses You=>2S04>
 Mark A Young  ([e-mail]) < Milliways Principle=>2U12>
 Mark A Young  ([e-mail]) < Important Tips for Youngsters=>2U08>
 Mark Anthony Young  ([e-mail]) < Galactic Postal Service=>2U02>
 Mark Anthony Young  ([e-mail]) < Infinity=>2S01>
 Mark Anthony Young  ([e-mail]) < Library Theft=>2S09>
 Mark Anthony Young  ([e-mail]) < Origins of the Guide=>1U01>
 Mark Anthony Young and Kristian Wiklund < Thirty-Seven Ways To Deep Sea Fish With Four Feet Of Dental Floss=>2U01>
 Mazda Imperfekt  ([e-mail]) < JSP=>2S08>
 Mazda Imperfekt  ([e-mail]) < Sweden, Earth=>2S10>
 Michael Winship < Moose Watching=>2S18>
 Paul Jason Clegg  ([e-mail]) < Article Writing Guide For Field Researchers And Guide Editors=>1R00>
 Paul Jason Clegg  ([e-mail]) < Clegg, Paul Jason=>2R13>
 Paul Jason Clegg  ([e-mail]) < Country Music=>2R14>
 Paul Jason Clegg  ([e-mail]) < Earth=>1R01>
 Paul Jason Clegg  ([e-mail]) < Flying=>2R11>
 Paul Jason Clegg  ([e-mail]) < Vineland, New Jersey, USA, Earth=>2R15>
 Peter Edward Janes  ([e-mail]) < Barenaked Ladies=>1R11>
 Robert Schone  ([e-mail]) < Avalon Hill's Diplomacy=>1R13>
 Sam Craghead  ([e-mail]), ([e-mail]) < Work=>2S12>
 Scott Bale (aka Wild Cheese) < Computer Malfunctions=>2R27>
 Scott Bale (aka Wild Cheese) < Defecation=>2R26>
 Scott Bale (aka Wild Cheese) < Hailing a Taxi on Mars=>2U17>
 Scott Bale (aka Wild Cheese) < Rules of Car Chasing=>2R28>
 Scott Mathew Glazer  ([e-mail]) < Reno, Nevada, USA, Earth=>1R09>
 Scott Mathew Glazer  ([e-mail]) < Travel Necessities=>1R10>
 Seppo J Niemi  ([e-mail]) < Easy Ways To Save Money=>2U07>
 Steven K. H. Siew  ([e-mail]) < Computerats=>2U16>
 Steven K. H. Siew  ([e-mail]) < IRC, Internet Relay Chat=>2R19>
 Tomi Suviola  ([e-mail]) < Alien Elimination=>2S14>
 Tomi Suviola  ([e-mail]) < Alien Identification=>2S13>
 Travis J.I. Corcoran  ([e-mail]) < Watermelons=>2S11>
 Vincent Joseph Shuta  ([e-mail]) < Assembly Language=>1R18>
 Vincent Joseph Shuta  ([e-mail]) < Dealing With The Lack Of Time=>1U04>
 Vincent Joseph Shuta  ([e-mail]) < Problems With Spelling And Interbeing Relations, The=>1U03>
 Vincent Joseph Shuta  ([e-mail]) < Hell=>1S05>
 Warren Kurt vonRoeschlaub  ([e-mail]) < Classification Of Religions=>2R10>
 Warren Kurt vonRoeschlaub  ([e-mail]) < Des Moines, Iowa, USA, Earth=>2R20>
 Warren Kurt vonRoeschlaub  ([e-mail]) < How To Avoid Being Mugged In New York=>2R09>
 Warren Kurt vonRoeschlaub  ([e-mail]) < New York City, New York, USA, Earth=>2R08>

%Date
1987/01/02 < i=>2U13>
1987/05/01 < Walking Through Mountains=>2U10>
1987/05/02 < Recreational Impossibilities=>2U11>
1990/05/12 < Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster -- Terran Version=>1S01>
1991/04/10 < Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute=>2R04>
1991/11/01 < Geneva, Switzerland, Earth=>2R02>
1991/12/01 < Infinity=>2S01>
1991/12/12 < Library Theft=>2S09>
1992/01/01 < Fire=>1R06>
1992/01/11 < Radio=>2U03>
1992/01/13 < Telephone Bills=>2R16>
1992/01/14 < Thirsty=>2U04>
1992/01/15 < Thirty-Seven Ways To Deep Sea Fish With Four Feet Of Dental Floss=>2U01>
1992/01/17 < New Orleans, Louisiana, USA, Earth=>1R04>
1992/01/20 < Avalon Hill's Diplomacy=>1R13>
1992/01/20 < Harvard Square, Boston, Massachusetts, USA, Earth=>2R03>
1992/01/20 < Telephones=>1R17>
1992/01/23 < Massachusetts Institute Of Technology=>1R02>
1992/01/23 < Rio De Janeiro, Brazil, Earth=>1R03>
1992/01/24 < Galactic Postal Service=>2U02>
1992/01/24 < Origins of the Guide=>1U01>
1992/01/30 < Car Talk=>1R05>
1992/02/02 < Program Structure Wars=>2R23>
1992/02/03 < Party Hints=>2R07>
1992/02/10 < Problems With Democracy=>2S03>
1992/02/10 < What To Do When Your Elected Head Of State Embarrasses You=>2S04>
1992/02/17 < Ligantis, Justice Lipo=>2U06>
1992/03/04 < Algonquin Park, Ontario, Canada, Earth=>2R05>
1992/03/11 < Easy Ways To Save Money=>2U07>
1992/03/19 < Earth=>1R01>
1992/04/09 < Light=>2S02>
1992/04/16 < University of Western Sydney, New South Wales, Australia, Earth=>2R25>
1992/05/10 < Dark Suckers=>2S07>
1992/05/14 < Absolute Zero=>2U05>
1992/06/07 < Important Tips for Youngsters=>2U08>
1992/06/09 < Classification Of Religions=>2R10>
1992/06/24 < Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Earth=>2S05>
1992/06/25 < Australia, Earth=>2S06>
1992/06/29 < Berlin, Germany, Earth=>2R06>
1992/08/16 < Milliways Principle=>2U12>
1992/09/04 < Flying=>2R11>
1992/09/10 < Barenaked Ladies=>1R11>
1992/09/28 < JSP=>2S08>
1992/09/28 < Sweden, Earth=>2S10>
1992/10/02 < Bluffer's Guides, The=>1R07>
1992/10/02 < Solutions To Drinking Problems=>2R12>
1992/10/12 < Chess=>1S02>
1992/10/14 < Art=>1U02>
1992/10/14 < Problems With Spelling And Interbeing Relations, The=>1U03>
1992/10/20 < Shadowlight=>2U14>
1992/10/30 < Economic Benefits Of Pollution, The=>1R08>
1992/11/02 < Reno, Nevada, USA, Earth=>1R09>
1992/11/16 < Travel Necessities=>1R10>
1992/11/22 < Dealing With The Lack Of Time=>1U04>
1992/12/04 < Prophet Margin, The=>2U15>
1992/12/09 < Alien Identification=>2S13>
1992/12/10 < Work=>2S12>
1992/12/14 < Watermelons=>2S11>
1992/12/22 < Watermelon Rituals=>2R17>
1992/12/29 < Hell=>1S05>
1993/01/05 < Clegg, Paul Jason=>2R13>
1993/01/06 < Country Music=>2R14>
1993/01/06 < Vineland, New Jersey, USA, Earth=>2R15>
1993/01/17 < Des Moines, Iowa, USA, Earth=>2R20>
1993/01/17 < How To Avoid Being Mugged In New York=>2R09>
1993/01/17 < New York City, New York, USA, Earth=>2R08>
1993/01/17 < Pizza=>2S16>
1993/01/17 < Plagiarism=>2S17>
1993/01/19 < Alien Elimination=>2S14>
1993/01/20 < Filks=>1R14>
1993/01/20 < Imperial College Science Fiction Society=>1R15>
1993/01/20 < Kansas City, Missouri, USA, Earth=>2S15>
1993/01/20 < Real Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The=>1R16>
1993/01/21 < Definitely Correct Speech=>1S04>
1993/01/23 < Computerats=>2U16>
1993/01/24 < IRC, Internet Relay Chat=>2R19>
1993/02/08 < Gravity=>2R21>
1993/02/08 < McGill University, Montreal, Quebec, Canada, Earth=>2R22>
1993/02/08 < Windows=>2R18>
1993/04/03 < Computer Malfunctions=>2R27>
1993/04/03 < Defecation=>2R26>
1993/04/03 < Moose Watching=>2S18>
1993/04/09 < Hailing a Taxi on Mars=>2U17>
1993/04/09 < Rules of Car Chasing=>2R28>
1993/05/01 < Article Writing Guide For Field Researchers And Guide Editors=>1R00>
1993/12/01 < Assembly Language=>1R18>

%Index

< AIDS=>2U03>
< Absolute Zero=>2U05>
< Administration Technology=>2S08>
< Algonquin Park, Ontario, Canada, Earth=>2R05>
< Alien Elimination=>2S14>
< Alien Identification=>2S13>
< Art=>1U02>
< Article Writing Guide For Field Researchers And Guide Editors=>1R00>
< Assembler=>1R18>
< Assembly Language=>1R18>
< Australia, Earth=>2S06>
< Avalon Hill's Diplomacy=>1R13>
< Barenaked Ladies=>1R11>
< Being More Clever Than You Really Are=>1R07>
< Berlin, Germany, Earth=>2R06>
< Bitterness=>2U05>
< Bluffer's Guides, The=>1R07>
< Bluffing=>1R07>
< Car Talk=>1R05>
< Cause Of Shadows, The=>2U14>
< Chess=>1S02>
< Classification Of Religions=>2R10>
< Clegg, Paul Jason=>2R13>
< Computer Malfunctions=>2R27>
< Computer network chit chat=>2R19>
< Computer science Down Under=>2R25>
< Computer, Organic=>2U16>
< Computerats=>2U16>
< Computing in the land of Oz=>2R25>
< Country Music=>2R14>
< Crown Center=>2S15>
< DC Speech=>1S04>
< DCS=>1S04>
< Dark Suckers=>2S07>
< Dealing With The Lack Of Time=>1U04>
< Deep Sea Fishing And Dental Floss=>2U01>
< Defecation=>2R26>
< Definitely Correct Speech=>1S04>
< Democracy, Problems With=>2S03>
< Dental Floss And Deep Sea Fishing=>2U01>
< Des Moines, Iowa, USA, Earth=>2R20>
< Diplomacy, Avalon Hill's=>1R13>
< Disaster Area=>2U03>
< Down Under=>2S06>
< Drinking Problems, Solutions To=>2R12>
< Earth=>1R01>
< Easy Ways To Save Money=>2U07>
< Economic Benefits Of Pollution, The=>1R08>
< Electric Bulbs=>2S07>
< Eliminating aliens=>2S14>
< Emergency Tips Utilizing Telephones=>1R17>
< Energy From Darkness=>2S07>
< Expression=>1U02>
< Filks=>1R14>
< Fire=>1R06>
< Flame=>1R06>
< Flight=>2R11>
< Flying=>2R11>
< Food, Pizza=>2S16>
< Freezing Point=>2U05>
< GPS Address Standards=>2U08>
< Galactic Postal Service Address Standards=>2U08>
< Galactic Postal Service=>2U02>
< Gargle Blaster - Earth/Terran Version=>1S01>
< General Relativity=>2R21>
< Geneva, Switzerland, Earth=>2R02>
< Gravity=>2R21>
< Guide Origins=>1U01>
< HIV-Positive=>2U03>
< Hades=>1S05>
< Hailing a Taxi on Mars=>2U17>
< Harvard Square, Boston, Massachusetts, USA, Earth=>2R03>
< Hell, New York City Division=>2R08>
< Hell=>1S05>
< Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The Real=>1R16>
< Hover=>2R11>
< Hovering=>2R11>
< How To Avoid Being Mugged In New York=>2R09>
< How To Have A Party=>2R07>
< How To Pay Off Huge Debts=>2U12>
< Huge Debts, How To Pay Off=>2U12>
< Humor, Radio=>1R05>
< ICSF=>1R15>
< IRC, Internet Relay Chat=>2R19>
< Identification, Alien=>2S13>
< Imaginary Numbers=>2U13>
< Imperial College Science Fiction Society=>1R15>
< Important Tips for Youngsters=>2U08>
< Infinity=>2S01>
< Interbeing Relational Problems=>1U03>
< Iowa=>2R20>
< Irrational Numbers=>2U13>
< JSP=>2S08>
< Jackson's Structured Programming=>2S08>
< Justice Lipo Ligantis=>2U06>
< KC MO=>2S15>
< Kansas City, Missouri, USA, Earth=>2S15>
< Knowledge The Easy Way=>1R07>
< Lack Of Time, Dealing With=>1U04>
< Library Theft=>2S09>
< Ligantis, Justice Lipo=>2U06>
< Light Bulbs=>2S07>
< Light=>2S02>
< Lipo Ligantis=>2U06>
< MCI phone bill=>2R16>
< MIT=>1R02>
< Mail Service=>2U02>
< Mamma Mias Pizzeria=>2S16>
< Margin, Prophet Jake=>2U15>
< Mass Tech=>1R02>
< Massachusetts Institute Of Technology=>1R02>
< McGill University, Montreal, Quebec, Canada, Earth=>2R22>
< Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Earth=>2S05>
< Milliways Principle=>2U12>
< Moose Watching=>2S18>
< Mountains, Walking Through=>2U10>
< Mousse=>2S18>
< Mugged, How To Avoid Being=>2R09>
< Necessities=>1R10>
< New Orleans, Louisiana, USA, Earth=>1R04>
< New York City, New York, USA, Earth=>2R08>
< Occupation=>2S12>
< Origins of the Guide=>1U01>
< Painting=>1U02>
< Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster -- Terran Version=>1S01>
< Particle Physics=>2U05>
< Particles Of Darkness=>2S07>
< Party Hints=>2R07>
< Paul Jason Clegg=>2R13>
< Phlogiston Theory=>1R06>
< Phones=>1R17>
< Pizza=>2S16>
< Plagiarism=>2S17>
< Politics=>2S03>
< Pollution=>1R08>
< Post Office=>2U02>
< Pretending To Know What You're Talking About=>1R07>
< Problems With Democracy=>2S03>
< Problems With Spelling And Interbeing Relations, The=>1U03>
< Profit=>2U15>
< Program Structure Wars=>2R23>
< Prophet Margin, The=>2U15>
< Question To The Answer, The=>2U13>
< RPI=>2R04>
< Radio Humor=>1R05>
< Radio=>2U03>
< Real Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The=>1R16>
< Really Big=>2S01>
< Recreational Impossibilities=>2U11>
< Religions, Classification Of=>2R10>
< Reno, Nevada, USA, Earth=>1R09>
< Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute=>2R04>
< Rio De Janeiro, Brazil, Earth=>1R03>
< Rules of Car Chasing=>2R28>
< Saving Money=>2U07>
< Science Fiction Folk Songs=>1R14>
< Science Fiction Society, Imperial College=>1R15>
< Sculpture=>1U02>
< Shadowlight=>2U14>
< Shadows=>2U14>
< Solutions To Drinking Problems=>2R12>
< Spelling Problems=>1U03>
< Sweden, Earth=>2S10>
< Taxis, how to summon on Mars=>2U17>
< Telephone Bills=>2R16>
< Telephones=>1R17>
< Tensor Calculus=>2R21>
< Terra=>1R01>
< Thirsty=>2U04>
< Thirty-Seven Ways To Deep Sea Fish With Four Feet Of Dental Floss=>2U01>
< Time, Dealing With The Lack Of=>1U04>
< Tips for Kids=>2U08>
< Travel Necessities=>1R10>
< University of Melbourne, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia=>2R17>
< University of Western Sydney, New South Wales, Australia, Earth=>2R25>
< Vineland, New Jersey, USA, Earth=>2R15>
< Walking Through Mountains=>2U10>
< Watermelon Rituals=>2R17>
< Watermelons=>2S11>
< Western Music=>2R14>
< What To Do When Your Elected Head Of State Embarrasses You=>2S04>
< Whensday=>2U04>
< Where You Probably Are Right Now=>1R01>
< Windows=>2R18>
< Work=>2S12>
< Zero=>2U05>
< Zilch=>2U05>
< alt.music.filk=>1R14>
< [e-mail]=>2R13>
< i=>2U13>

%Title
< Absolute Zero=>2U05>
< Algonquin Park, Ontario, Canada, Earth=>2R05>
< Alien Elimination=>2S14>
< Alien Identification=>2S13>
< Art=>1U02>
< Article Writing Guide For Field Researchers And Guide Editors=>1R00>
< Assembly Language=>1R18>
< Australia, Earth=>2S06>
< Avalon Hill's Diplomacy=>1R13>
< Barenaked Ladies=>1R11>
< Berlin, Germany, Earth=>2R06>
< Bluffer's Guides, The=>1R07>
< Car Talk=>1R05>
< Chess=>1S02>
< Classification Of Religions=>2R10>
< Clegg, Paul Jason=>2R13>
< Computer Malfunctions=>2R27>
< Computerats=>2U16>
< Country Music=>2R14>
< Dark Suckers=>2S07>
< Dealing With The Lack Of Time=>1U04>
< Defecation=>2R26>
< Definitely Correct Speech=>1S04>
< Des Moines, Iowa, USA, Earth=>2R20>
< Earth=>1R01>
< Easy Ways To Save Money=>2U07>
< Economic Benefits Of Pollution, The=>1R08>
< Filks=>1R14>
< Fire=>1R06>
< Flying=>2R11>
< Galactic Postal Service=>2U02>
< Geneva, Switzerland, Earth=>2R02>
< Gravity=>2R21>
< Hailing a Taxi on Mars=>2U17>
< Harvard Square, Boston, Massachusetts, USA, Earth=>2R03>
< Hell=>1S05>
< How To Avoid Being Mugged In New York=>2R09>
< IRC, Internet Relay Chat=>2R19>
< Imperial College Science Fiction Society=>1R15>
< Important Tips for Youngsters=>2U08>
< Infinity=>2S01>
< JSP=>2S08>
< Kansas City, Missouri, USA, Earth=>2S15>
< Library Theft=>2S09>
< Ligantis, Justice Lipo=>2U06>
< Light=>2S02>
< Massachusetts Institute Of Technology=>1R02>
< McGill University, Montreal, Quebec, Canada, Earth=>2R22>
< Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Earth=>2S05>
< Milliways Principle=>2U12>
< Moose Watching=>2S18>
< New Orleans, Louisiana, USA, Earth=>1R04>
< New York City, New York, USA, Earth=>2R08>
< Origins of the Guide=>1U01>
< Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster -- Terran Version=>1S01>
< Party Hints=>2R07>
< Pizza=>2S16>
< Plagiarism=>2S17>
< Problems With Democracy=>2S03>
< Problems With Spelling And Interbeing Relations, The=>1U03>
< Program Structure Wars=>2R23>
< Prophet Margin, The=>2U15>
< Radio=>2U03>
< Real Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The=>1R16>
< Recreational Impossibilities=>2U11>
< Reno, Nevada, USA, Earth=>1R09>
< Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute=>2R04>
< Rio De Janeiro, Brazil, Earth=>1R03>
< Rules of Car Chasing=>2R28>
< Shadowlight=>2U14>
< Solutions To Drinking Problems=>2R12>
< Sweden, Earth=>2S10>
< Telephone Bills=>2R16>
< Telephones=>1R17>
< Thirsty=>2U04>
< Thirty-Seven Ways To Deep Sea Fish With Four Feet Of Dental Floss=>2U01>
< Travel Necessities=>1R10>
< University of Western Sydney, New South Wales, Australia, Earth=>2R25>
< Vineland, New Jersey, USA, Earth=>2R15>
< Walking Through Mountains=>2U10>
< Watermelon Rituals=>2R17>
< Watermelons=>2S11>
< What To Do When Your Elected Head Of State Embarrasses You=>2S04>
< Windows=>2R18>
< Work=>2S12>
< i=>2U13>

%Warning
Warning

    This !StrongHelp data file is under continuous development.
    There are loads of things wrong with it. It is only being
    released so that I ([e-mail]) can
    get some feed back so that I can finish my automatic updater.

    Please tell me what you think!

    OH AND DO NOT DISTRIBUTE THIS ARCHIVE OR PLACE IT ANYWHERE
    ELSE OTHER THAN THE OFFICIAL PGG FTP SITE.

    (This restriction may be loosened later when everything is tidy)

              AlexMC 1st June 1993