ARM Club 1/ARM_CLUB_CD.iso/contents/sillies/silly8/U/UseTandem

Text File | 1994-03-14 | 9.4 KB | 168 lines

                        Upon taming the tandem
                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


   It is a thing unheard of that a gentleman should of his own accord
wish to expend energy when the toil of another will achieve the same
end. For this reason it is most unlikely that he will have been allowed
in childhood to entertain a notion so fanciful as that of cavorting
astride a bicycle.

   A bicycle is a tool commonly employed by the lower orders, they being
wont to find their pleasure  in trawling Her Majesty's highways at a
speed only slightly in excess of a smart walking pace until their
betters approach in  an automobile.  As the automobile passes close by,
the bootless astride his bicycle will hail the occupants in strange
tongues, and deliver a bi-digital salute before apparently taking
immediate cover by tumbling headlong into the nearest gutter or open
ditch before a well-aimed cigar-butt can find its mark.  It is for its
association with such bootless misconduct that the bicycle is considered
in well-bred circles to be beyond the pale.

   Notwithstanding such reputation however, and provided that adequate
measures are taken to mitigate the effort required  to propel it, a
gentleman may find boundless opportunity for amusement if he will first
familiarise himself with its complexities and thereafter apply a degree
of forethought commensurate with his caste.

   He should realise at once that despite its tendency to unseat him
should his attention wander, a bicycle is not a living creature.  Should
he find himself prostrated beneath it, it will not serve to stand and
render unto it a well-aimed kick in the fork. Neither will a practised
tweak under the rear-mudguard carry with it any hope of bringing tears
to its headlamp.  Any idea of disciplining the contraption must
therefore be dismissed as unworkable and counter-productive.

   It will in all cases be efficacious if a gentleman will practise his
skills aboard a bicycle made for two, known also as a tandem, with his
man seated astern.  This has many advantages and should one's man
exhibit any fear of the machine, or be reluctant to propel it, he should
be reminded that the inevitable reduction in his driving hours may lead
to a mulct of pay. The most idle of valets is apt to take a vigorous
interest in proceedings when his thought process has been thus directed.

   Seating one's man astern ensures that forced dismounts are kept to a
minimum, for the common man enjoys the terra- corpus interface no better
than his master.  Should the slothful wretch fail to lower his
undercarriage in time to prevent a spill at any speed, the gentleman may
be assured that the oaf's bulk will at any rate support the weight of
the capsized bicycle, thus sparing himself the anguish of torn breeches
and incommodiously bruised flesh whilst he berates the idle creature and
reminds him, again, that an element of forward motion is required to be
sustained if the pull of gravity - and a sound boxing of the ears - is
to be staved off.

   Once the further intricacies of direction control and brake
application have been mastered, the machine may be taken onto Her
Majesty's highways and the game begun.

   The common man on the look-out for automobiles is apt to overlook the
approach of a tandem since it appears from the front to be just another
bicycle. His limited intelligence suggests to him only that one of his
own caste is abroad and his adrenalin is thus not released. Much sport
may be had, therefore, if a gentleman will instruct his man to pedal
strongly and if he will, as they breast the solo cyclist, address to him
the bi-digital salute so beloved by him.  As ground is gained, a curl of
cigar-ash may be deposited at shoulder height into the slip-stream from
whence, if well- timed, it will have a sporting chance of penetrating
the gaping buccal cavity of the stunned bootless in rear.

   A most handsome ruse, once perfected, is to have one's man extend his
arm and signal an iminent right turn as one of the bootless and unhorsed
is bested, whereupon a sharp left turn may unexpectedly be effected
across his bows.  In such pressing circumstances, the common man will
attend his seat rather more urgently than his salute and a gentleman may
have the pleasure of observing a most energetic, not to say acrobatic,
dismount. It will be understood, of course, that care must be exercised
lest the premature execution of such a manoeuvre leads the hapless serf,
in his gratitude, to overlook his brake and cannon headlong into his
benefactor's machine.  (It may be desirable to first practise  this
manoeuvre  against juveniles or females  aboard  lighter machines, since
timing will ever be of the essence.  Any collision damage sustained by
one's man as his peers ride onto his nearside leg will be most
incommodious and must surely interfere with his ability to carry out his
duties in an efficient manner.)

   Few aboard solo machines will be able to better the speed of a
well-cox'd tandem but a gentleman must remark that members of the
constabulary are broken to the cycle-clip almost at birth and are in
consequence seized of an ability to exhibit bursts of the most alarming
speed when the occasion demands.  Should such a creature be perceived in
rear, with whistle blowing, bell ringing and headlamp flashing, the
decision whether to outrun him must be carefully weighed.  In the event
that an attempt is made so to do, and fails, it will be essential to
explain that one's man became panicked by the noise and pedalled against
the brake, before firmly boxing his ears and berating him within the
presence and hearing of the apprehending  constable.  Should  the  chase
have  been precipitated by the creature's witnessing of a manoeuvre such
as the aforementioned left turn, profuse apologies may be rendered to
the constable for one's man's lack of co- ordination and his crass
inability to distinguish between left and right.

   No work such as this would be complete without some guidance upon
those occasions when it may be desirable to allow members of one's own
caste aboard, and the criteria to be applied in electing whether to sit
ahead or in rear.

   If circumstances dictate that a friend be offered transport, he
being, perhaps, outside of too many frothy-hops, a gentleman may without
conscience release his man to run alongside, with instructions not to
fall behind in order that he be on hand to assist with the dismount at
journey's-end. In such circumstances, it is to be desired that a
gentleman remain seated ahead for the purpose of dictating the machine's
course, but it will be necessary also for him to check from time to time
that his passenger is applying fair pressure to the pedals and not
"free-wheeling" parasitically.  Since to ask as much will ordinarily be
judged most offensive, a useful ploy  will  be to feather both front and
rear  brakes simultaneously whilst at the same time applying firm
pressure momentarily against the returning pedal.  The jolt thus
administered to his Achilles tendon and hamstring will elicit a most
encouraging response from a diligent passenger, whilst the absence of
such may be interpreted as proof positive of his indolence.

   Should a gentleman feel confident of his ability to impress the
fairer sex, and be minded to tolerate the company of one such, he should
in fairness recommend her to consider the suitability of her habiliment.
Riding breches are to be preferred since the tighter line of the fabric
will prove less prone to catching about the sprocket wheels and dragging
the good lady from her seat. It will be a comely thing if a gentleman in
such circumstances will avail himself of every opportunity once mobile
to studiously and discreetly observe whether such taut material is
becoming worn or snagged on the rough leather saddle.

   Given the frail nature of her kind, a lady may be relied upon to
avoid forced dismounts at every opportunity and may thus be trusted to
sit ahead and direct the machine. It will be remarked, however, that
such creatures are better equipped for the service of tea and light
refreshments than the rotation of bicycle pedals under load, and much
extra work may be required of the gentleman in rear if forward momentum
is to be achieved and reliably maintained.

   To be offset against this there is, of course, the possibility that
it may be necessary for a gentleman to reach around and assist his
companion to steer, thus taking much of the strain from her wrists.
Remembering that a gentleman should take his own weight in such intimate
circumstances, it will be de rigeur that he sit well forward in the
saddle and not allow his chin to press overly hard into the nape of her
neck as they advance.

   A final caveat for those who would ride so accompanied: Whilst there
is little more pleasing to a gentleman's eye than the feminine calves
and buttocks at work, he should be ever mindful of the power she has
within her hands to capsize the machine for want of concentration. Be
his passenger scatter- brained, or so wide of girth as to obstruct his
forward vision, or so heavily perfumed as to render her downwind aspect
untenable, he must at once and in good faith suggest that she ride in
rear. If he will take the trouble to explain that such unusual election
is necessitated only by a most earnest and honourable desire to ensure
that she does not return home from a fast ride with flies on her teeth,
the haridan will - quite properly - be impressed  by  his extraordinary
chivalry.

Best wishes,

Greg (G0MAM) @ GB7CHS

*** EOF