ARM Club 1/ARM_CLUB_CD.iso/contents/sillies/silly8/S/Stress

Text File | 1994-03-14 | 5.7 KB | 142 lines

                        How to stay stressed
                        --------------------

>Although the De Anza Health Office long been an advocate of stress
>management, stress, tension, and burnout are still common complaints
>of students, faculty, and staff alike.  On account of this, we have
>come to the following conclusion: YOU ALL WANT TO STAY STRESSED!
>The following provides you with a few reasons why.

STRESS HELPS YOU SEEM IMPORTANT.
 Anyone as stressed as you must be working very hard and, therefore, is
 probably doing something very crucial.

IT HELPS YOU TO MAINTAIN PERSONAL DISTANCE AND AVOID INTIMACY.
 Anyone as busy as you are certainly can't be expected to form emotional
 attachments to anyone.  And let's  face it, you're not much fun to be
 around anyway.

IT HELPS YOU AVOID RESPONSIBILITIES.
 Obviously you're too stressed to be given any more work.  This gets you
 off the hook for all the mundane chores; let someone else take care of
 them.

IT GIVES YOU A CHEMICAL RUSH.
 Stress might be considered a cheap thrill, and you can give yourself a
 "hit" anytime you choose.  But be careful, you might get addicted to
 your own adrenaline.

IT HELPS YOU AVOID SUCCESS.
 Why risk being "successful" when by simply staying stressed you can
 avoid all of that? Stress can keep your performance level low enough
 that  success won't ever be a threat.

STRESS ALSO LETS YOU KEEP YOUR AUTHORITARIAN MANAGEMENT STYLE.
 The authoritarian style of "Just do what I say!" is generally permissible
 under crisis conditions. If you maintain a permanently stressed crisis
 atmosphere, you can justify an authoritarian style all the time.

NEVER EXERCISE.
 Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.

EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT.
 Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a balanced diet
 isn't likely to.

GAIN WEIGHT.
 Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight.

TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS.
 The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue
 to do the job just fine.

AVOID "WOO-WOO" PRACTICES.
 Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation, yoga, deep breathing,
 and/or mental imaging help to reduce stress.  The Protestant work ethic
 is good for everyone, Protestant or not.

GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM.
 Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that you concern
 yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time.
 If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.

PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM.
 Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house,
 or car is mounting a personal attack.  Don't take time to listen,
 be offended, then return the attack!

THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR.
Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn't be treated as one.

MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE - BE MACHO.
 Never ever ask for help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!

BECOME A WORKAHOLIC.
 Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings
 and weekends.  Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.

DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS.
 Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done
 and then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.

PROCRASTINATE.
 Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous
 amount of stress.

WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL.
 Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approching Ice Age, you
 know, all the big issues.

BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS...
  ...and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged,
  and/or inadequate when you don't meet them."

======================================================================

>Of course, after reading this, I feel even more stressed, because I can
>see myself in at least half the categories.  ("With help like this...")

                       25 Ways to Cope With Stress.

    1.  Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out.  See
        how many you can do at a time.
    2.  Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
    3.  Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
    4.  When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other
        plans.
    5.  Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
    6.  Dance naked in front of your pets.
    7.  Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school
        as if nothing is wrong.
    8.  Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
    9.  Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high
        places.
    10.  Leaf through "National Geographic"  and draw underwear on the
         natives.
    11.  Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
    12.  Go shopping.  Buy everything.  Sweat in it.  Return it the next
         day.
    13.  Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly"  and send it to your
         boss's wife.
    14.  Pay your electric bill in pennies.
    15.  Drive to work in reverse.
    16.  Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
    17.  Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule"  and let him figure it
         out.
    18.  Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
    19.  Polish your car with earwax.
    20.  Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
    21.  Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back
         to you.
    22.  Braid the hairs in each nostril.
    23.  Write a short story using alphabet soup.
    24.  Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in
         jail.
    25.  Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.

    Bonus :  Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back
             in the wrapper.

*** EOF