ARM Club 1/ARM_CLUB_CD.iso/contents/sillies/silly8/S/SpotStuden

Text File | 1994-03-14 | 7.8 KB | 161 lines

                   THE FRESHERS GUIDE TO STUDENT-SPOTTING
                   ======================================

This guide is intended to aid new students to categorise people around them,
so helping them to come to terms with their surroundings and develop
credibility a damn sight faster than would otherwise be possible. It has been
found in the past that certain freshers have been duped in to parting with
their money, their belongings, their virginity by crafty second year, third
year and postgraduate students masquerading as someone who they clearly, at
least to the experienced, are not.

           Here then is the 1990/91 guide to students categories.


                          PERSONALITY TYPES
                          =================

1 : The Stiff (Borus Giganticum)
=================================

This person will be characterised by the complete lack of purpose in life other
than to go to university, work their balls off, hopefully not dropping any
marks at all in the entire course, gaining a first, doing a postgrad, getting
a job working with  27,000 Quid PA, marry, have 2.4 lovely children and retire
to a small cottage in Morecambe. He or she will wear brown cords and an arran
jumper at the slightest provocation and will respond to the question "are you
going out tonite?" with the remark "No, I've got  some extra-curricular AC
response research to do. Maybe next term."  He or she can also be spotted at
exam results postings weeping quietly because they only got 99/100 in the
Apollo Mentor graphics assessment. The male variety is much more common and
can be found in particular abundance on Physics and Maths courses.


2 : The Arty - Farty (Hashum Jointicus)
=======================================

This type is unfortunately an endangered species at Salford due to its science
base but the breed can be found in relative abundance at other Manchester
institutes. They are recognised by their insistence on carrying a folder
containing blank paper everywhere with them, even to nightclubs. They generally
hang round Uni bars, sitting on the floor in circles even where seats exist.
NOTE : THESE PEOPLE KNOW WHERE TO GET DRUGS. They often take part in various
political organisations within the Uni, championing varied causes such as
anti-pollution, anti whale-slaughter and anti-not-being-very-nice-to-little
-furry-animals-generally.

3 : The Dosser (Bastardica Lazyum)
==================================

A lot of debate has gone on among the student-studying community as to why
these people actually go to university. The conclusions have been agreed as
the following:

                      1)Cheap beer,
                      2)Casual sex,
                      3)The chance to brag to their
                          "less fortunate" mates back home,

  in that order. These are the ones who, when you get talking to them in the
first week, tell you that "Courses generally are a load of crap, I go to f. all
lectures, never been to a tutorial, flunked me exams, not a jot of revision,
too much drinking blah blah blah........". They can easily be recognised by
their enormous overdrafts and comatose state in the few lectures they do
attend. However these people ARE worth getting to know since they can give you
a complete rundown of the best bars, clubs, brothels etc in town. Just don't
lend them any money.

4 : The CompSci (Softwarum Termini)
===================================

This lot are generally characterised by being very, VERY strange. Although it
is categorically denied by all major institutes, it is clear that all potential
computer science students have to undergo a rigorous psychological examination,
and that only those diagnosed as paranoid schitzophrenics, kleptomaniacs,
neurotics or psychopaths are allowed on the course. They can be seen in the
computing department of any higher education institute library, hunched over
terminals with a look on their face as if they have just been told they've got
a deckchair up their rectum. DO NOT under any circumstances approach, or
attempt to talk to these people. You don't know and don't want to know where
they've been.

5 : The Lager Lout (Holsteni Shitfacedus)
=========================================

Many freshers have problems telling the difference between Dossers and Lager
Louts, but whereas the Dosser just doesn't give a toss, the Lager Lout will
go to almost any lengths to achieve their aims. Loud, obnoxious, always telling
you how many pints they downed last night, these people can be a bit annoying
but are always useful as someone to laugh at, or to wind up. On no account
believe the wildly exaggerated stories of sexual exploits these people may
insist on telling you. They're bullshit.

6 : The Mummys Boy (Homus Homus)
================================

Even the most fresh-faced Student-spotter will have no trouble identifying this
species. So pale as to be almost translucent, they refuse to admit to
themselves that they have now left home and are regarded as adults, and
consequently spend their entire time at university either shut in their rooms
working on some dodgy thesis or travelling home on the train (every weekend).
The only reason for befriending one of these is to obtain access to the
monstrous quantities of food which they get from home every week.
WARNING : THESE PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

7 : The Leech (Slimus Slimus)
=============================

There are several subspecies of the Leech as outlined below but they all have
one thing in common: a burning desire for friends. They will do almost ANYTHING
to obtain them. Born without a personality, they instead resort to bootlicking
tactics as a pathetic attempt to gain popularity. You know the sort - always
asking you where you are going tonite and can they come? They will follow you
around like mongrels given the tiniest amount of encouragement.
These unfortunate people are destined for a life of being used for homework
copying, carrying peoples bags for them and other such menial tasks, which they
will carry out happily in the knowledge that they are 'gaining popularity all
the time'. For more experienced spotters the following subspecies may be looked
for:

                   1)The Braindead Leech (Slimus Vacantum)

                   2)The OTT Leech (Slimus Enthusiastici)

                   3)The Strange Leech (Slimus Oddballus
                              - often on CompSci courses)

     Researchers have now come to the conclusion that the normal, well-adjusted
and well balanced student is becoming something of an endangered species due to
the increasing influx of wierdos, dropouts, oddballs and freaks into british
education institutions. The problem seems to be that, as more freaks are taken
in, more normal people are put off uni. for life by the lifeforms they see on
open days.Therefore it is a viscious circle with only one outcome: All british
institutes, and therefore ultimately the country, are run entirely by pricks.
Do your bit for the plight of the British student by sending any donations to:

        The Save The Student campaign,
         c/o G.P.Keenor,
          <redundant email address>@uk.ac.salf.a

The following methods of payment are acceptable:
                               Access,
                             Barclaycard,
                                Visa,
                           American Express,
                          LEA Grant Cheques,
                            Sexual Favours,
                   Alcohol (Do Not Send Second Class).

In case you are wondering which category the author of this falls into,
it is very definitely the third. Why else would I waste good study time writing
this? Send your comments, suggestions, sexual offers, insults etc to
me at the above address.

                              ----------

 Original Text by G.P.Keenor 1990, Rewritten and Reformatted by Culfinion, 1991

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