ARM Club 1/ARM_CLUB_CD.iso/contents/sillies/silly8/M/MacDonald

Text File | 1994-03-04 | 12.3 KB | 261 lines

                   THE TRAGIC TALE OF OLD MacDONALD'S FARM

                               A Personnel Saga

Once upon a time a <large university> Personnel Officer retired and,
with the University's moderate pension plan, bought a Farm and moved his
Family (Wife, household duties preferred, and Daughter, in-progress
Education preferred) to the country to taste rural life.  Old MacDonald
(for that was his name) promptly bought livestock, labelled them
appropriately according to their Job Descriptions, and recorded them all
in a notebook, listing Job Title, Job Description, Estimated Annual
Salary (Base, Full-time rate, nearest whole dollar amount), and
preferred Job Qualifications.

In addition, Old MacDonald planted crops, all appropriately labelled,
(Celery, green, average stalk length 12", annual), and settled down to
enjoy his retirement.

One day a young man visited the Farm and introduced himself as the
County Agent (Agent, Agricultural products, governmental).  Old
MacDonald gladly showed the young man around the Farm, displaying his
handiwork.  "This is my Annual Celery," he proudly announced, as they
approached the garden.

"Annual Celery?"  the young man muttered.

"Yes, and this is my Bovine Animal; four-legged, tan-and-white spotted,
preferred."

"But that's a Guernsey milk cow!" The young man obviously seemed
distressed about something, but Old MacDonald couldn't understand what
it could be.

"And this is my Cow; large size, hump and brown color preferred."

The young man had turned a peculiar color, but all he said was, "A
Brahma bull! I wonder how he got the sign around his neck."

The young man also seemed peculiarly distressed upon seeing that the
Rooster was penned alone, with his beak taped shut, even after Old
MacDonald explained that he had had to resort to these measures because
the Rooster had been putting in unauthorized overtime in the hen house,
and crowing at dawn.  He simply WOULD NOT keep the required 8 to 5 hours
(lunch from 12 noon to 1 pm only).

The tour of the farm was soon over. Old MacDonald did not understand the
young man's attitude.  His records were immaculate.  Every animal
exactly fit its Job Description, and each one was correctly Titled and
Labelled with a neat sign hung around its neck.

Soon afterwards, Old MacDonald decided that now that the Farm records
were in order, he should do the same to the personnel in his household.
He, of course, was Personnel Officer.  His wife, however, had been doing
many different chores which were not in her Job Description.  This, of
course, would NOT DO.  He promptly notified her that she would
henceforth be Procurement Officer and would be in charge of buying and
selling all items on the farm.  Since his Wife was not thrilled at the
added duties in her already busy schedule, Old MacDonald promised that
she could keep all monies made on butter and eggs.

That very afternoon a young man came to the farm asking to buy a milk
cow. He had talked to the County Agent and had learned that Old
MacDonald had one.  His wife had just had twin girls and they needed the
milk badly.  Old MacDonald assured him that he had no Milk Cow.  He had
a Cow, a Bovine Animal, and a Calf, but no Milk Cow.  This young man
turned a peculiar color also.  (What were young men coming to these
days?)  "But that IS a milk cow!"  The young man pointed to the Bovine
Animal.

"Oh, no.  That is a Bovine Animal. The fact that she gives milk is
immaterial. She was hired as a Bovine Animal.  She has had no Experience
at being a Milk Cow."

"Well, I'll buy her anyway.  I need the milk.  How much do you want for
her?"

"Oh, I couldn't let this poor creature apply for the Job Title of Milk
Cow.  As I have said, she has had not Experience in the field.  She
could, of course, be Reclassified, but that will take some time."

"What do I have to do to have her reclassified?"  The young man was not
taking this at all well.  He looked ill.

"Well, you would have to submit a request in quintuplicate to the
Personnel Officer (that's me), then fill out a questionnaire listing (1)
why the current Job Title does not currently suit the duties of the Job
Holder, (2) why the needs of the Employer have changed with respect to
the said Job Title, (3) why this Job Holder was not hired at the new Job
Title in the original request when s/he was originally hired, and (4)
what qualifications and/or Experience qualify this candidate for the new
Job Title. Then I will, of course, review your case, and objectively
come to a decision.  I am, of course, an Equal Opportunity Employer, and
belong to EIEIO -- the Equality In Employment for Interstate
Opportunities Commission."

"How long will that take?"

"Oh, about three weeks.  Of course, I am rather busy right now --
harvest time coming up and all (all those new plants to Title and
Label!) -- so it could take longer than that."

The young man gave up and bought a milk cow (generic, no Job Title) from
Farmer Jones next door.

That evening, Old MacDonald happily returned home to the Procurement
Officer and his Daughter, secure in the knowledge that all of his
Farmyard Staff and his Family were appropriately Titled and Labelled.
He was somewhat surprised to note upon his return, however, that the
house was a mess and there was no dinner waiting for him when he
arrived.

"Wife," he complained.  "Why are you not performing your Wifely duties?
I am hungry, and for the first time in 32 years, this house is a mess.
What is wrong with you?  Are you ill?"

"I see that you are looking in my direction when you ask these
questions, but I am the Procurement Officer, not a Wife," replied his
(former) Wife.  "My Job Description does not include household duties."

"Hmmm.  That is true."  Old MacDonald had not planned on this problem.
"Well, I will simply give you back your old Title as well."

"Oh, no."  The Procurement Officer was adamant.  "Only one Job Title per
employee."

Yes, of course.  How could he have forgotten after so many years?

"Well, then, I will give you back your old Title and do the Purchasing
and Vouchering myself."

"Oh, no.  I make more money as a Procurement Officer than I did as a
Wife. That would be a Demotion (A Very Serious Matter).  Besides, I am
not allowed to change Job Titles within the Farm for six months after I
have once changed Job Titles.  No.  I am Procurement Officer, and that
is that."

Old MacDonald couldn't argue with that logic, so he fixed himself an Old
MacDonald's hamburger and went to bed.

The next day Mr. Jones of the neighboring farm came by and asked to see
the Personnel List.  Old MacDonald was only happy to oblige, since all
of his records were open to the Public. Mr. Jones noted a "Bovine
Animal," a "Calf," a "Cow," and a "Moo-Moo."  He then politely inquired
as to which of the Job Titles on the Personnel List had represented
Positions which had actually been filled, and asked to see the Job
Descriptions of those Jobs.  When Old MacDonald happily obliged, he
asked to interview two of the individuals involved, and, after a short
while in the pasture, he requested that Old MacDonald sell him the
Bovine Animal, since, as he pointed out, he had need of just such a Job
Holder to inhabit one of his barns. Old MacDonald was pleased to oblige
and offered to deliver the animal to Farmer Jones' Dairy Farm next door
that very afternoon.

Everything was soon concluded satisfactorily.  (The Bovine Animal was
especially happy, since she had not been milked for several weeks,
being, of course, a Bovine Animal and not a Milk Cow.)

During his trip to the Dairy to deliver the Bovine Animal, Old MacDonald
noticed that the Milk Cows at the Dairy were giving milk.  Moreover,
most of them had Calves.  Old MacDonald calculated rapidly and decided
to employ a Milk Cow on his own Farm.  He asked Farmer Jones how much
Annual Salary (Full-time, Base Rate) a Milk Cow should earn.

"Oh, my animals have no Job Titles," replied Farmer Jones.  "They are
commodities.  I could sell you one if you like.  In fact, I could sell
you this one that I just bought from you -- at a small profit, of
course."

Old MacDonald promptly went back to the Procurement Officer and
requested that she buy the milk cow from Farmer Jones.  The Procurement
Officer gave him forms to fill out.  He obliged, but she still seemed to
see difficulties in the transaction.

"You cannot sole source an item unless the vendor is the only source
from which the equivalent item can be bought. You then need a letter
explaining (1) why this vendor is the only source for this needed item,
and (2) why the specifications of the said item are necessary for your
farm work."

"But I bought grain last week from The Speedy Seed Company, using a sole
source Purchase Order, and you did not say anything then."

"That was a Chemical, food additive.  You already had a letter on file
for this type of purchase."

"Besides, this is only $250.00. Couldn't we make an exception for just
one penny?"

"No exceptions."

Old MacDonald didn't see how he could justify the specifications of a
cow to be bought as "sole source" under these rules, so he asked how
else he might be able to purchase the item.

"You must get three bids," the Procurement Officer said.

So Old MacDonald called three farms and got three bids on a milk cow.
Mr. Smith's cow was two dollars cheaper. The Procurement Officer
informed Old MacDonald that he would have to buy the cheaper product.
It was a Farm Law.

"But I want a Guernsey cow, because they give richer milk," said Old
MacDonald.

"You cannot purchase solely on the basis of Brand Names," returned the
Procurement Officer.  "You must get three bids, based on Qualifications
of Equivalent Items; as, for example, size, equipment, and function."

So Old MacDonald got three more bids.  This time he specified "Cow,
medium size, having one udder with at least four faucet-like devices
hanging from it." This seemed to satisfy the Procurement Officer, since
neither of the other two farms he called had that exact type of item,
and each one put in a "No Bid."

Soon, however, the Procurement Officer called Old MacDonald back and
declared, "We cannot buy this item from Farmer Jones.  'Cows, medium
size, having one udder with at least four faucet-like devices hanging
from it' are on Farm Contract with Farmer Smith.  You will have to buy
one of his."

"But his are Herefords and nearly eight years old!  And two of them
limp!"  Old MacDonald was beginning to shout.

"Well, you cannot specify according to age, race, sex, color, or
handicapped condition.  (We are members of the Equality In Expenses for
Investment Opportunities Division of the Equality In Expenditures for
Interstate Opportunities Commission -- the EIEIO, EIEIO -- you know, and
cannot discriminate well.)  If you want to buy a different type of
animal, you should have used the correct specification in your Order
when you took bids."

Old MacDonald looked in the Farm Contract Book, wrote his specifications
very carefully, took three more bids, and was finally successful.

Since it had taken him three days to buy back the milk cow that had once
been a Bovine Animal, Old MacDonald was anxious to get the animal as
soon as possible. He offered to pick the animal up himself at Farmer
Jones' Dairy Farm that very afternoon.  When he got there, he realized
that he had not put into the Purchase Order a request for a halter, and
since he could not lead the animal back home without one, he asked
Farmer Jones what to do.  Farmer Jones obligingly offered to sell him
the halter that had come with the animal for half of the original retail
price if Old MacDonald would take the animal away at that time and not
bother Farmer Jones any more.  Old MacDonald agreed and took the animal
back to his Farm.

When he notified the Procurement Officer about the sale, however, she
refused to repay the fee, since reimbursements are not allowed on Farm
Accounts, and since he had not justified buying used equipment in
advance.  Old MacDonald told her that this was a Service of Milk Cow
transportation, replacement part from the Vendor who sold the Milk Cow,
and she finally agreed to reimburse him from her butter-and-egg money.

It was shortly after this transaction that Old MacDonald decided he
wasn't cut out for Farm Life.  Too many Rules and Regulations, he
decided.  So he moved his Family (Wife and Daughter) back to the City
and became a member of the Council of the Radio Society of Great Britain
a position for which he was well qualified for.

*** EOF