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- Buying a Car
- By Simon T
-
- Luckily, we live in a country where cars are fairly inexpensive; where your
- average Joe Bloggs can, for just a few dollars, look at a car way out of his
- price bracket and pretend that he's a genuine customer.
-
- There are three generally accepted practices for purchasing a car; the first is
- where the buyer enters into a private transaction with a seller. This is known
- as a private sale and is widely used when you wish to purchase a stolen vehicle
- or one that is about to be repossessed. The Second is an Auction where you
- get to bid for the car of your dreams, and, if you're extraordinarily unlucky,
- get to actually bid SUCCESSFULLY for it, you simple minded feeb. Not long
- thereafter your dreams are nightmares (like that one where you turn up to work
- with no clothes on and the rooms are shrinking and all those spiders are chasing
- you...) and that peice of "dirt" on the right front bumper turns out to be the
- only original peice of metal in the whole vehicle.
- The last way to buy a car is through a dealer, a strange creature, with
- the highest scruples money can buy, again and again, and it is him/her I intend
- to concentrate on.
-
- How to buy a car from a dealer
- -------------------------------
- Here's the basic scenario:
- You park your car outside the Car Yard, that way the dealers are put in a good
- mood by thinking up jokes to tell you about that particular model if you seem
- undecided about buying an up-to-date joke. The dealer will let you browse
- around the cars until you pause for too long by one. The pause time is usually
- electronically measured in microseconds and rigidly enforced. As soon as you
- pause, Honest John will leap from behind you with the selling phrase "Nice set
- of wheels that, I've got one myself" It could be anything; that's why it's
- very important not to stop next to a telephone pole or rubbish tin, because
- poor Honest John might have to beat himself to death with a tyre lever. You
- then mutter something incomprehensible but positive and John will continue,
- "Yes, I've had mine for three years now, and nothing's gone wrong with it!!!"
- (This is, of course, because it's been sitting on the car yard for three years
- and no-one had been stupid enough to pause by it till you came along.) "And
- economical, why this little baby..."
- Honest John will burble along about how it was almost bought to power the next
- space mission except that it doesn't run on solid fuel, meanwhile you are doing
- the experienced car buyer things, kicking the wheels, tooting the horn, sitting
- in the seats listening to the smooth clunka-clunka of the engine - pretending
- you can recognise a burnt valve at 12 paces with a standing start.
-
- Note: It is extremely important at this point to avoid nodding your head as
- this will constitute agreement to buy this and several other cars on the
- yard. Being an extremely experienced car buyer, I always wear a neck
- brace in case someone runs into the back of the car while I'm examining
- the vehicle for those important driving features that only an expert can
- detect (tooting the horn and seeing if the Radio has those neat lights
- that go up and down with the music) This way terrible misunderstandings
- are avoided.
-
- What sort of dealer should you choose?
- Always choose a Member of the Licensed Dealers group, that way, if you have any
- complaints about your vehicle, you can take it to them to do nothing instead of
- the dealer to do less than nothing. Should the horror of a complete fraud come
- your way, the dealer may even lose his license, and have to be an unlicensed
- motor vehicle dealer, which as you know is a great strain on business.
-
- How Dealers get their names:
- Contrary to popular public opinion, Car Dealers don't just change their names
- to Honest John, Mad Dave etc; they have these names from birth. The usual
- birth scene goes something like:
-
- Doctor: Did you see that, the little bugger went straight for my wallet!
- Nurse: Yes, and he's already got the Gynecologist's Gold Fob watch
- Doctor: (turning to sweat soaked Mother) Congratulations, it's a used
- car dealer.
- Mother: Oh dear, and we were going to give him a normal name too...
- I suppose Fair Deal Fred will have to do...
-
- Yes, Used Car Dealers are a special and unique breed. Whereas Normal, everyday
- children get stories about good fairies, Goldilocks etc, The children of Used
- Car Dealers get stories about Little Old Ladies who go shopping once a week and
- never use their car otherwise, who live happily right up until they decide to
- trade their vehicle on a peice of chewing gum on the ground that they stopped
- for too long by.
-
- The Buyers Rules
- ----------------
- Don't stop by anything - Avoid getting blocked off by "Honest John"
-
- If cornered, claim to be an income tax assessor or a Policeman, being
- taken to court for this is a small price to pay in comparison
- to being forced to listen to "John" ramble for 2 hours about
- the particular virtues of that make and model.
-
- NEVER EVER say you know nothing about cars
-
- If they try and corner you into a test drive, just mention your 78
- driving offenses and your cateract operation OR that you've
- got heaps of time for a test drive, what with being on the
- dole and waiting for those court convictions etc
-
- UCS can smell fear and indecision, so be in control at all times.
- (I.e. "No, I think I want to take a look at that Camaro
- with the "BORN TO RUN DOWN PHONE BOOTHS" bumper
- sticker - Take that Corolla away and burn it!")
-
- These are of course, basic guidelines, but it's important to remember as many of
- them as you can when you decide to use your own money to become wheeled.
- Good Luck. You car will self destruct 1 day after the warranty expires...
-
- spt@waikato.ac.nz.
-
- *** eof
-