ARM Club 1/ARM_CLUB_CD.iso/contents/sillies/silly8/C/COOKIE

Text File | 1994-02-11 | 16.5 KB | 505 lines

COOKIE

A text file found lurking on a PC.

Ported to Archimedes by Andrew Ayre


 Access Time - The time between the instant at which information is called for, and the instant at which management expects the final report.

 Assembler - One who drops his card deck.

 Bit - The increment by which programmers slowly go mad.

 Breakpoint - The point at which programmer increments past last bit available.

 Chaining - A method of attaching programmers to desk, to speed up output.

 Checkpoint - The location from which a programmer draws his salary.

 Core storage - A receptacle for the center section of apples.

 Counter - An area over which martini's are served.

 Crash - What a detached programmer would dearly love to do, for at least eight hours.

 Default - De line west of which de state of california will float off to sea at de next major quake.

 Device - Medieval torture instrument such as thumbscrew, iron maiden.

 Documentation - A manual which tells you how to use a program, system, or utility one version ago, and which is now unsupported.

 Error - What someone else has made when they disagree with your computer output.

 External Storage - Wastebasket.

 Fixed Word Length - Four letter word used by programmers in a state of confusion.

 Hardware - Nuts, bolts, and circuit boards "left over" after repairman has reassembled cpu.

 I/O Device - Note you sign for the bank in/order to get loan for new (old) car.

 Library - An organized collection of obsolete material.

 Low Order Position - The programmer's location in the chain of command.

 Mainframe - Primary person who just got set up for the blame of the system crash.

 Microsecond - Amount of time needed for a program to bomb.

 Nanosecond - Measure of time on mork's planet ork.

 Off-Line - Uncharitable remarks programmer makes to wife or husband upon being phoned at 9pm to come in because system just crashed.

 On-Line - Programmer trying to deal rationally on phone with management at 9pm.

 Peripheral - Now you see it, now you don't...

 Printout - A document to verify data you know is wrong anyway.

 Programmer - Red eyed mumbling mammal, capable of communicating with inanimate objects.

 Source file - One which was "appropriated" from one of the competitors.

 Switch - When management changes its mind.
... it is predictable, but I wouldn't like to predict it myself. - C. Lawson

 100.000 lemmings can't be wrong.

 1948 - A novel for dyslexics by George Orwell.

 A bank manager is someone who lends you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and who asks for it back when it start to rain.

 A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.

 A friend in need is a pain in the ass.

 A man is as old as he feels. But never as important.

 A man is as old as the woman he feels.

 A phone call costs less than you think. Soon it'll cost more than you believe.

 A sense of humour is the difference between ambition and achievement.

 A seven day honeymoon makes one weak.

 Absolute zero is cool.

 Alas poor kiroY, I knew him backwards.

 All that glitters is not gold. - All that doesn't glitter isn't either.

 Always be sincere - Even when you don't mean it.

 Always put the important before the merely urgent.

 Always tell her she's pretty, especially when she isn't. Always yield to temptation - it may never pass your way again.

 Amnesia rules - OK

 Amnesia rules - OK

 An Australian lover is like a wombat :- he eats roots, shoots, and leaves.

 An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.

 An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.

 An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.

 Anarchists of the world unite !

 Anarchy, No rules - OK?

 Anyone who can see through a woman is missing a lot.

 Anyone who goes to see a psychiatrist, ought to have his head examined.

 Are you a schizo? - If so, that makes four of us.

 Arsonists of the world, ignite!

 Asking the boss for a rise may not be patriotic, but it will help the government with the extra tax if it comes off.

 Assassination is an extreme form of censorship.

 Avoid life - It'll kill you in the end.

 Be alert - your country needs lerts.

 Be apathetic today. - I think I'll leave it till tomorrow.

 Be creative, invent a perversion.

 Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors - (and miss).

 Blow your mind - smoke gunpowder.

 Charity covers a multitude of sins, but curiosity soon uncovers them again.

 Conscience is the little thing that tells you someone is sure to find out.

 Constipation is the thief of time.

 Dead people are cool.

 Death is hereditary.

 Do to the other fellow as he would do unto you. But for God's sake do it first!

 Don't Panic.

 Don't Panic. Count to ten ... then Panic!

 Don't Panic. The Earth is just being demolished for a hyperspace bypass.

 Don't drink water, fish breed in it.

 Dyslexia rules KO.

 Dyslexics of the world untie !

 Einstein rules relatively OK - in theory anyway.

 Every man reaps what he sows, except the amateur gardener.

 Experience, the name given by men to their mistakes.

 Get stoned - Drink liquid cement.

 God is not dead - he just couldn't find a parking place.

 Happiness can't buy money.

 Have you read the Penguin Book of Quotations. (I never realised penguins had that much to say.)

 Help preserve wildlife. Pickle a Squirrel today!

 Heredity is the thing a child gets from the other side of the family.

 How do the Japanese do it? Because we let them.

 I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it by not dying.

 I have a drink problem, I can't afford it.

 I looked up my wife's family tree. Most of her relatives are still climbing around in it.

 I used to be a schizophrenic, but now I'm lonely.

 I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

 I'm immortal - so far.

 If God had not meant us to write on walls, he would never have given us an example.

 If a woman wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

 Ironic isn't it, that God gave the tortoise a drag factor of 0.03.

 Is there an imaginary cure for hypochondria?

 It is now beyond any doubt that cigarettes are the biggest cause of statistics.

 Jesus Saves - and Dalglish gets the rebound!

 Jesus Saves - not on my salary he doesn't.

 Jesus Saves - with the Woolwich.

 Jesus Saves, Moses invests, but only Buddha pays dividends.

 Join the army, travel the world, meet interesting people and shoot them.

 Just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

 Just when I was getting used to yesterday along came today.

 Keep Britain tidy, shoot a tourist.

 Laugh, and the world laughs with you. - Snore and you sleep alone.

 Laugh, and the world thinks you are an idiot.

 Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

 Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

 Lord give me patience......But Hurry!

 Love Thy Neighbour - But don't get caught.

 Love is blind. And when you get married you get your eyesight back.

 Make love, not war; get married and do both!

 Marijuana is nature's way of saying "high".

 Money can't buy friends but it can buy a better class of enemy. - Spike Milligan.

 Money isn't everything. - It isn't even enough!

 Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them, and Psychiatrists charge them rent.

 Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

 No one feels as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

 People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Neither should they nail up pictures.

 Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination

 Real Ale - reaches the parts Heineken daren't mention.

 Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol.

 Reality is for people who cannot cope with science fiction.

 Reincarnation is making a comeback!

 Sado-masochism means not having to say you're sorry.

 Save trees, eat more beavers.

 Say it with flowers - give her a triffid.

 Smile - things may get worse more slowly.

 Smoking - think of it as evolution in action.

 Study art and logic - learn to draw your own conclusions.

 Sudden prayers make God jump.

 Support British steel - smelt the Iron Lady.

 The Annuual Conference of Clairvoyants has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

 The English country gentleman galloping after a fox - the unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable.

 The first three minutes of your life can be dangerous ... The last three can be pretty dodgy too!

 The meek shall inherit the earth - in 6' x 2' plots.

 The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.

 The reason that people here get lost in thought is because it's such unfamiliar territory.

 The road to success is usually under construction.

 The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected.

 We are the people our parents warned us about.

 Welsh men only marry Welsh women because sheep can't cook.

 When God shook the tree of life, all the nuts landed in California.

 When faced with two evils I like to do the one I've never tried before. - Mae West

 1) You can't win.  - 2) You can't break even.  - 3) You can't even quit the game.

 A faithful car will continue to be faithful until the day you fit it with four brand new tyres, then it will fall apart.

 An authority is somebody who can tell you more about something than you really care to know.

 Any given program will expand to fill all available resources.

 Any given program, once running, is obsolete.

 Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

 Army Axiom: An order that can be misunderstood will be misunderstood.

 Army Law: - If it moves, salute it; - If it doesn't move, pick it up; - If you can't pick it up, paint it.

 Basic research is what I am doing when - I don't know what I am doing.

 Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.

 Don't force it, get a large hammer.

 Experiments should be reproducable, - they should all fail in the same way.

 Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

 Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is messed up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

 First Law of Advice: The correct advice is to give the advice that is desired.

 Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

 I have yet to see any problem, which, when you looked at it the right way, did not become still more complicated.

 If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

 If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.

 If at first you don't succeed, give up.

 If at first you don't succeed, blame the teacher.

 If at first you don't succeed, try something else.

 If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up.

 If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.

 If little else, the brain is an educational toy. - Tom Robbins

 If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's approval, s
omebody won't like it.

 If you explain so clearly that no one can misunderstand, somebody will.

 If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a restaurant. - Snoopy.

 If you want your name spelt wrong, die.

 In any household, junk accumulates to fill the storage space available.

 In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

 Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.

 Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.

 It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick something from the floor when you get up.

 It is better for civilisation to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.

 It works better when you turn the brightness up.

 Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do it.

 Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life.

 Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

 Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

 Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks.

 Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think.

 Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

 Murphy's Third Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong, and at the wor
st possible time.

 Negative slack tends to increase.

 Never go to a doctor who's office plants have died.

 Next to surviving an earthquake, nothing is quite so satisfying as as receiving a income tax refund

 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

 Old age is always 15 years older than I am.

 On a beautiful day like this, it is hard to believe that anyone can be unhappy - but we're working on it.

 Parkinson's First Law: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.

 Parkinson's Second Law: Expenditures rise to meet income.

 Patience is something that you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you.

 Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

 Pros are people who do jobs well even when they don't feel like it

 Speed bumps are of negligible effect when the vehicle exceeds triple the restraining speed.

 The Law of Selective Gravity (The Buttered Side Down Law): An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

 The chief cause of problems is solutions.

 The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where highest overtime rates lie waiting.

 The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.

 The probability of anything happening is inversely proportional to its desirability.

 The usefulness of a meeting is inversely proportional to its attendance.

 There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.

 Two wrongs do not make a right; it usually takes three or more.

 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions, the experimental apparatus will do exactly as it pleases.

 Variables won't; constants aren't.

 When all else fails, read the manual.

 When things are going well, somebody will experiment detrimentally.

 When you try to make an impression, the chances are that that is the impression you will make.

 When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

 Why can't lifes's big problems come when we are twenty and know everything ?

 You always find something in the last place you look.

 You can get ANYWHERE in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.

 You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

 Another ingredient for a happy marriage: - Budget the luxuries first !

 Another ingredient for a happy marriage: - In a family argument, if it turns out you are right - apologise at once!

 To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.

 Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honour, make him pay cash.

 Waking a person unnecessary should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offence, that is.

 A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being "frank."

 Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other "sins" are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful - just stupid.)

 Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

 A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.

 Animals can be driven crazy by placing too many in too small a pen. Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.

 We, my Lords, may thank Heaven that we have something better than out brains to depend on. (Lord Chesterfield to the House of Lords)

 In the beginning was the word - and the word was four bytes. (from the bible?)

 Wars are not fought to decide who is right - only who is left.

 To err is human - To really foul things up requires computers.

 When I am right nobody remembers... When I am wrong nobody forgets!

 If you can't tie good knots... tie many.

 A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

 What you can not avoid, Welcome

 It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. - Samual Clemmens

 Money wouldn't be so important if everybody didn't want some.

 TO DO IS TO BE - Socrates - TO BE IS TO DO - Sartre - DO BE DO BE DO - Sinatra

 Walk softly but carry a big stick.

 A Wise Man can see more from the bottom of a well than a Fool can see from the top of a mountain.

 When a finger points at the moon, the imbecile looks at the finger.

 Live fast, Die young, Leave a good looking corpse.

 Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honour, make him pay cash.