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WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING This book contains not only racist and sexist jokes but just plain puke jokes. If you consider yourself to be one who is easily offended then do not proceed. DO NOT COMPLAIN, you have been warned ! WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING ====== This is how it all started ====== Faithful readers of aus.jokes will no doubt be familiar with many of the high quality jokes that have been going over the net. I am now in the position to offer you all a high quality publication "THE ROBERT NATHANUAL PRENDERGAST JOKE BOOK" In it I detail the secrets of my success with: Women Sheep Trees More women More sheep Ethnic Afairs Ergonomics Love and marriage Enlargement Men Computers Self gratification Necrophilia Ivoengvat and lots and lots more!!! For a free copy send me a message at robp@dingo note : this is a high quality publication. Probably the best you'll ever get. Dont miss this offer. Send now Said Pope John Paul "Veni Vedi Veci" The Wall Street Journal wrote: "Not since Victor Kiams' "Making it" has such a high quality publication been made availiable to the masses. Read this book!" With every copy given away I'll also include a free patten for my new paisley tie collection (the summer collection) and a free blue safari suit (with matching shoes') BY The way disregard the message about my using LIQUID PAPER on monitors This may very well be my last message so be quick. ===== And the result is ........ Did you hear about the Irish abortionist who went out of bussiness ? His ferret died. There was this bloke who went to a brothel in japan. He was told that he can have any girl he wanted except the one in the end room. He thinks that that's O.k. so he goes and gets a root. The next day he comes back and the same thing happens. He can have any girl except the one in the end room. So he thinks that that's O.k. too. He proceds to go and get a root. The next day the same thing happens. He's allowed to have any girl except the one in the end room. He thinks that something funny is going on, so when nobody is watching he sneaks into the end room. It was very dark in the end room and he stumbled about until he fell onto a bed. He thinks that while he's here he may as well try out the girl that is apparently in the the bed. He does. He has a terriffic time and thiks that he must visit this girl again tomorrow. He gets up and leaves the room. On his way out of the brothel he sees the 'madam' and says to her " Gee , why don't you let me have that girl in the end room again , she was so good that I could feel the rice in her belly" . The madame replies, " Oh no , you didn't go to the girl in the end room did you" , and he replies ," Sure did , she was great", and the madam replies "Shit! that wasn't rice in in her belly you felt, it was magots. She's been dead for two weeks , thats why we did'nt want anyone to go into the end room." This prositute goes to a chinese doctor with a rather sensitive venereal complaint. The chinese doctor says " O.k. speadie leggie , foots in stirups. " and procedes to examine her. He finds that he cunt is absolutely loaded with purilent green pus, and so he immeadiately goes down on her and starts licking up all the sticky greeny runny pus. All of a sudden she lets fly with this really greasy rotten eggie fart. In fact she almost shit herself. The chinese doctor comes up and yells "Dirty blitch , you wanna make me sick or something" There were these two poofters who got on a bus. One of them farts - poofffffoot. It was a nice silent airy sort of fart. The other poo jabber also farts - pooooffffffffooorrrt. Again, another silent airy type of fart. Then this rather large B.L.F member gets on the bus. After he sits down he lets fly with a real bum tearer - Thwaaarrrtt. One dung funneler wispers in the ear of the other " Virgin " This young couple who were just married, set off on their honeymoon at a well known hotel resort. After about two days on the nest, the manager comes up and knocks on the door. " Um , I noticed that you haven't ordered any food for the last couple of days , do you wan't any food sent up?" The couple reply, " No Thanks , we live on the fruits of love" Well any how the manager repeats this episode for the next four days , and finally on the fifth day he once again knocks on door. The couple say to him " No we don't want any food, we're living on the fruits of love " , the manager interjects .. " No , No , I know that your living on the fruits of love, its just that we want you to stop throwing the peels out the window " There were four poofters sitting around in a bath tub. (A large one). A wad of sprog floats to the surface, and one of the vegemite drillers says " O.K. who farted " Whats the diference between a nurse and a bowling ball you can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball What's the difference between an elephant and a nurse You cant make love to an Elephant with a water mellon What's the difference between a nurse and a swimming pool If you hold your breath you can come out of swimming pool alive An oldy but an oldy Whats Bobby Sands phone number 808080 What's black and white and read all over A news paper What do you get if you wipe your arse with newspaper Adds Why do you alwaysd root sheep on the edge of cliffs Because they push back harder What's the differece between a nurse and a Rolls Royce. Not everyones been in a Rolls Royce. Who sings ans sits on my bed. Madoona or Donna Summer Who sits in the oven and sings Elton Scone What is the difference between menstrual blood and sand ? You can't gargle sand. You can't go out with a girl - you get herpies You can't go out with a boy - you get aids You can't go out with yourself - you get rsi. Why do jews wear skull caps? To cover up the hole where the piss and the sprog comes out There was this bloke that went into a sex shop and purchased a blowup sex doll for thirty dollars. He eagerly rushed home to try out his new found toy, but to his disapointment when he pumped up the doll it promptly went flat again. The next day, first thing in the morning, he heads off to the sex shop to get his money back (or at least a replacement doll). The sex shop proprietor was not very ammused by this guy demanding either a new doll or his money back. (The old doll might have been soiled). The owner askes " Well what exactly is wrong with the doll I sold you?" . The irritated customer relies" Well she went down on me" . the owner throws his hands up in horror and exclaims " Shit if I knew that, I would have charged you fifty dollars" This bloke buys a plastic blowup doll and decides to make some money by renting it out to a few of his deviate mates. One of his mates comes out of the room with a very forlorn look on his face, "Shit , all I did was bite her on the tit and she farted and flew out the window" Can't use the pill, it's bad for her skin Can't use condoms, gotta throw 'em in the bin Can't screw girls, 'cause they'll get fat If it wasn't for masturbation a kid would starve The sexual life of a camel is greater than anyone thinks At the height of the mating season he tried to bugger the sphinx But the sphinx's eternal orifice is blocked by the sands of the nile Which accounts for the hump on the camels back and the sphinx's inscrutable smile There he sits, broken hearted Paid is penny, but only farted A man sits, thinks, shits, and stinks There was this young couple who had been married for about two years and still hadn't had a baby. The the mother of the girl asked her one day why she had so far failed to fall pregnant." How come you haven't had a baby yet ? , Your father only had to look at me and I become pregnant." The girl replies " But mum , I just can't bring myself to swallow the stuff ". How do you rebore an ageing prostitute ? Bung a leg of lamb up her and pull the bone out. Why do you put masking tape around a guinea pig ? So they don't split when you fuck them. What do you call a guinea pig with masking tape on ? A tart. These three prostitutes were sitting around talking about how they feel after a long hard nights work. The first one says " I know I've had a good night when I come home and count that I've got at least five one hundred dollar notes." The second one says "I know I've had a good night when I come home and count that I've got at least ten one hundred dollar notes. The third one says " Shit , when I get home, I take my panties off, throw them against the wall , and if they stick, I know I had a good night" A woman falls out her window and slides into a garbage can upside down. A passing coon puts one exploratory finger up her cunt and another into her arse-hole and says musingly, 'white man crazy, this still good for six, maybe 7 more years. Actress to her chinese houseboy: 'i guess i drank too much last night, and passed out. i must have been pretty tight.' 'Yes, missy, pletty tight first time. Next 2 times pletty sloppy'. The farmer's wife finds a cow hand standing in a wheel barrow in the barn, fucking one of the cows. 'Er, ah, is there anything i can do for you she sheepishly asks. 'sure is ' says the hand. 'Wait till i shoot my wad, then you can wheel me over to the next cow'. Overheard in the OXFORD HOTEL melbourne: 'what became of you girlfriend'. 'She got herpes and bled to death'. 'you don't bleed to death when you catch herpes'. 'You do when you give it to me' comes the reply. A little negro boy accidentally rolls in some flower while sleeping in the barn. When he wakes up he says, 'god I turned white in my sleep. He runs and tells his mamma who promptly dispatches him with a 'go away boy, I'm makin some bread. His father waves him off as he is watching a football game. His sister will not listen to him as she is preparing to go out. The little boy goes back out to the barn, kicks the door savagely, and says, 'Here I on'y been white 10 minutes and I already hate dem fucken niggers'. The family of of astronomy enthusiasts are rushing up to their rooftop telescope,the mother and father first, and the children stringing along behind. 'Oh dad,' says the daughter, 'I can see Uranus.' 'Thats nothing', says the son, 'I can see Mars'. A true story........ A jew of Tewkesbury fell into a privy on a saturday and refused to be taken out for reverence of his sabbath day. Not to be outdone in piety, the Earl of Gloucester, being told of this, refused to allow him to be taken out on sunday so that he may revere the christian sabbath as well. On monday the jew was found dead........ Three doctors, walking down a road, see a man walking along bent forward with legs astraddle. Paralysis one infers. Nonsense, locomotor ataxia, says another. The last one infers 'pelvic fracvture. To settle the argument they pull him over and ask him his problem. The guy answers 'I went to fart, and I guess I went too far. You're all wrong'. What with herpes, aids, etc. going around a very worried young man goes into a doctors surgery for treatment of a suspicious red ring around his penis. The doctor merely hands him an alcohol soaked piece of cotton and says..... 'Wipe off the lipstick, you fool'. Two negroes are bragging. One says he has invented elctricity, gas refrigeration and the pants-zipper. The other says, 'you ever heard of Syphillis?' 'Don't tell me you invented that' comes the reply. 'Why hack no...... I'm the southern distributor'. Variant 1: What's the bravest thing in the world. ............a crippled crab crossing a bloody cunt on a broken cunt hair VARIANT 2: What's the bravest thing in the world...... ............a crippled crab crossing a mouldy jockstrap on a broken pube. What's the cleanest place in the world...... .....The strip between a woman's cunt and her arsehole. When she piddles she washes it, and when she poops she dries it........ What did the vampire teacher say to one of his female students ? I'll see you next period. This bloke goes into an optometerist's office with this box that's six feet long by six inches by six inches and says to the secretary "I need to see the optometerist". The secretary says " I'm sorry but the optometerist is out at the moment, would you like to wait." The bloke says " No I just gotta see her now ", and with that he he opens the six feet long by six inches by six inches box and shows the contents to the secretary. The box contains this five and a half feet by five inches by five inches turd. The secretary looks at the turd and says " You don't need and optometerist, you need a doctor" and the bloke relies "No I need an optometerist, every time I do one of these my eyes water" 'What a life' said one flea to another. 'The other day I fell asleep on a cunt and I woke up on a moustache'. Two fleas have spent the night in a woman's body, one in front, the other in the rear. In the morning they compare notes. the rear flea complains that "the south wind blew all night long, and almost blew me out of bed. How about you". The front flea said, "Oh, fine at first, but then some bald headed son of a bitch stuck his head in the window and puked all over me. Overheard in the latrine at the oxford hotel: "Say what's the first symptom of syphilis?" "I don't know, why?" "My cock just came off in my hands." Also overheard the same night: "Does your penis burn after intercourse?" "I don't know, I never tried lighting it." This appeared on general conduct orders to the U.S. navy fleet here for the recent navy visit: 'All personell are told to treat the local women the way a dog treats an unknown object: "If you can't eat it or fuck it - piss on it". What's the difference between fucking a woman who is "riding the rag" and fucking a woman in the arse? - one way you muck up her fuck-hole and the other way you fuck up her muck-hole. How do you define a French enema.......You put one thumb in your mouth and the other thumb up your arse, and just keep alternating them till you either shit or puke. A patient in a lunatic asylum will not eat anything but a bowl of shit at every meal. One day he refuses his acustomed bowl. The head doctor rushes down to his cell, thinking the man is cured, but the patient explains he is on a hunger strike. "I don't like the way I'm treated here. can you imagine serving a man shit to eat....with cunt hair on it........yuuuuck...." A man was showing his collection of petrified cunts to a fellow collector. Very proud, he took them out of the fridge and laid them out on the table. "Well, what do you think of them?" The other collector wetted his finger- tip and took a lick of each one of them. "It's prettyhard to know, what with them just coming out of the fridge like that. But I can tell you this much: somebody slipped over two arse-holes on you - one nigger's and one chinaman's". The whore dropped here miscarriage into a trash can, to eliminate all the red tape. That night a drunk staggered up and puked in the can, backed off , looked in, and said "I'll never suck another snatch as long as I live". A man is getting a blow-job in a whorehouse notices the the girl serving him spit his semen into into a jug under his bed. "What's the matter, I thought you girls like swallowing it." "We do she admits. The fact is, another girl and I have a contest on. The one with the most at the end of the week gets to drink it all". Two big irishmen and a little jew bet on who can satisfy the insatiable town-widow. The 2 irishmen work at her by turns for several hours, and come out a little green around the gills, while the widow keeps calling 'more, more.....'. The little jew goes in. There is a long mysterious silence. He finally comes swaggering out, the widow in the background "thank-you...thank-you.......'. The irishmen are amazed: "What did you do ?". "Oh, it was easy. I stuck my head in, wiggled my ears, and puked". Two arabs in the in the desert are about to die of hunger, when they stumble on some camel shit. "Hey lets eat exclaims one". The other recoils in horror saying "What do you think I am". Well the first arab breaks up the camel shit and pisses on it to moisten it. He gets half down, and then spews up. The other arab rushes forward with cupped hands. " Ahh, just what I wanted....a hot meal". How do you know when you've been raped by an elephant......When you've been pregnant 36 months..... A sailor in Singapore complains that the whore's cunt is dry and hurting him. "Wait I'll fix it" she offers. "Vaseline ??" he asks. "NO". "KY jelly" he tries again. "NO....I'll just scrape of the scabs and spread the scum around". A beautiful but obviously bleached blonde blonde is sitting watching a cricket game. In the seats below 2 men are looking up her dress. One asks, "How come that blonde has such dark pussy hair". "Pussy hair nothing" comes the retort. "That's flies". Did you here about the fellow who went down on a girl he found asleep on a beach at St Kilda, and got a mouth full of worms. She'd been dead for 3 days...... Three men and a woman were cast away on a desert island. After 3 days the the woman felt so guilty sha committed suicide. After 3 more days the men felt so guilty they buried her. After 3 more days They felt so guilty they dug her up again. A whore dies during intercourse. The man runs out screaming. "My god, she's dead! What am I going to do. "keep cool , I'll call the corroner" says the madam. "The coroner? What for? I can't fuck him!" A man goes into a brothel with only 50 cents in his pocket. He is lead to a magnificent room lined with satin, with a gorgeous blonde lying on the bed. He pounces on her and starts making love to her. She starts foaming at the mouth, and he runs out screaming. He finds the madam and shouts "The girl in 221 is foaming at the mouth". "Calm yourself", she says. She gets on the phone and dials "Hello, city morgue? Send over another girl - this one is full up". A man and his wife are having sex. He begs her to spread her thighs wider. She obliged. "Wider , wider" he asks again. She obliges. This goes on another 3 more times. "Finally, exasperated, she says "Hell what are you trying to do...get your balls in." He replies, "No, I'm trying to get them out!!!" There was these two local yokels working out in the fields. This bit of a tart was driving along near where they working when her car broke down. Out she gets, and asks them if they could possibly drive her into town and get a mechanic to fix her car. They only had a horse and cart and suggested that it would take them all night to get to the town and that she should stay the night and they will take her to town tomorrow. So at nightfall they all hit the sack. One local yokel in one room , the other in another room and her in another room. Well, during the night, she starts felling a bit horny and gets this idea that she should sneak into one of the local yokels rooms and slip on top. So she sneaks into one room and wispers to the local yokel " How would you like a bit?". He says yes, and she starts to climb in to his bed . Just before she slips on top she says " Just a moment, I don't want to get pregnant, you'll have to wear one of these and produces a condom. About three hours later , the local yokel is exhausted and so she sneaks back to her room. A few hours later she starts felling horny again, so she sneaks into the other local yokel's room and does the same as she did to this local yokel. In the morning , they all get out of bed and head into the town. The mechanic drove them back and fixed her car and she drove off. A few days later one local yokel says to the other,"You Know that woman that slept here the other night." "Yep " "Well she gave me a root that night" "Really She gave me a root to" "Do you think that those funny rubber things will stop her from getting pregnant" "Nar" "Well do ya think that we could take the flamming things of. I'm bustin' for a piss". Q: What does a 400 pound parrot say ? A: Polly wants a cracker, NOW !!!!!!!!! Q: Why did Batman climb up the tree ? A: To help Robin make his nest. Q: Why do elephants wear pink tennis shoes ? A: because white tennis shoes get dirty to eay Qhh: Did you hear about the intelligent P.E. student ? A: No, neither have I. Q: What is the difference between a computer and an aboriginie ? A: With a computer you only need to punch the information in once. Q: Why do girls have legs ? A: To stop them leaving snail tracks. Q: What's the biggest hole in 60 Minutes ? AA: Yana Vent. Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a Greek grandmother ? A: Ten pounds and a mustache. Q: What force does it take to stop an aircraft propeller ? A: Half a Newton. Q: Why are aborigines called boongs ? A: Because that is the sound they make when they bounce of the bull bar. Q: Why do you need to put rubber bands aound hampsters? A: To stop them exploding when you fuck them Q: How do you kill an elephant ? A: With an elephant gun Q: How do you kill a puple elephant ? AA: With a purple elephant gun Q: How do you kill a pink elephant ? A: Tie a knot in its truck, wait till it turns purple and then shoot it with the purple elephant gun. Q: Why has women got two holes? A: so you can carry them like a six pack. Q: what has a nurse and lightening got in common ? A: They both fuck anything that comes near them. Q: What do you call a man who sticks his tools into a girls mouth? A: A Dentist Q: What is unskilled labour? A: A pregnant prostitute Q: What did the prostitute say to the leper? A: Thanks for the tip. Q: What do nurses and turtles have in common? A: Once they are on they back they are both fucked. Q: Why do flies have wings? A: To beat the Italians to the rubbish bins Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Fuck her. Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a prostitute? A: A fucking know it all Q: Why did the Arabs shoot down the concorde? A: Because with a nose like that, it had to be Jewish Q: Hear about the over sexed whale? A: He bit the head off a submarine and swallowed all the seamen inside Beam me scottie................... what goes black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white black white thump? A nun falling down the stairs What do you do in the case of fallout? ....Put it back and take shorter strokes. Why don't Italians eat fleas? ....It's too hard to get their legs apart. Why did God make urine yellow and come white? ....So the Irish could tell if thay are coming or going. How do you get an Aboriginal girl pregnant? ....Come on the road and let the flies do the rest. What's the worst thing about fucking a 5 year old girl? ....When she tells you you're not the best she's had. What's the brown stuff between an elephants toes? ....Slow natives. What do you get if you cross a black with a gorilla? ....A dumb gorilla. What do you call 5000 Jews at the bottom of an ocean? ....A good start. Why did the abbo trade his wife for an outhouse? ....Because the hole was smaller and the smell was better. What did Adam say to Eve? ...."Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets." What goes into thirteen twice? ....Roman Polanski. What do you have when your up to your ankles in blacks? ....Afro turf. Why don't they have any black snow skiers? ....Because their lips explode at 1,000 feet. Where is an elephant's sex organ? ....In his foot. If he steps on you you're fucked. How many blacks does it take to change a light bulb? ....Five. One to change the light, the other four to hold the sound equipment. Why are ice hockey players and aboriginal girls alike? ....They both change their pads after 3 periods. Why did Jimmy Carter's wife always go on top? ....All he could do was fuck up. Why is Paul Keating's wife threaten divorce? ....He's making it hard for evryone but her. What's a real mate? ....Someone who will go into town and get two blow jobs, then come back and give you one. How do you save a drowning Jew? ....Through him an anchor. Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side? ....He's all right now. What do you call an irishman with half a brain? ....Gifted. Why do women have two holes close together? ....In case you miss. Who designed women? ....The Board of Works. No one else would put a recreation are between two sewer outlets. What do you call a beautiful girl in Poland? ....A tourist. How can you tell if a women is wearing underwear? ....Look for dandruff on her shoes. What's the definition of mass confusion? ....Father's day in Tasmania. What's another definition of mass confusion? ....Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market. What's the ultimate rejection? ....When you're wanking and your hand falls asleep. How do you kill an aboriginal? ....Smash the toilet seat over his head when he's taking a drink of water. What happens to a Jew when he walks into a wall with an erection? ....He breaks his nose. How many aboriginals does it take to pave a driveway? ....It depends how thin you slice them. Why don't blacks have cheque books? ....Because it's hard to sign your name in spray paint. A black and a Pole had a race down a tunnel. Who won? ....The Pole. The black stopped to write "mother fucker" on the wall. What do you get when you cross a Jew with a Gypsy? ....A chain of empty stores. Why do Italians wear hats? ....So they know which end to wipe. Did you hear about the irishman who cleaned his ears out? ....His head caved in. Why did God give the blacks rythm? ....He fucked their hair. What do vegetarian dingos eat? ....Cabbage patch dolls. What is the worst thing about being an egg? ....It takes you ten minutes to get hard, three minutes to get soft, you come in a carton with 11 other blokes, and the only person you can get to sit on your face is your mother. The funniest joke in the world appears to have been discovered by the Greek comedy writer, Philemon, who laughed himself to death around 263 BC apparently at one of his jokes. Fortunately, perhaps, the joke itself has not been passed down to posterity, but it may have something to do with a donkey and a fig. Chrysippus, a Philemon, died of laughter brought on by the sight of a donkey eating figs. This chinese fellow goes into a butcher shop and goes " Ah tree pissholes do please sir " The butcher notices the chinese gentlemans accent problem and replys " You mean "r" don't you sir " to which the chinese man responds " O.K. tree arseholes do please sir " Well how about these ............ Q: why do we have weather cocks on barns ? A: Because the wind would blow right through a fanny. Q: What have a computer and an aboriginee got in common ? A: They both need to have their information punched in. Q: What's the difference between a computer and an aboriginee? A: Computer only needs the information punched in once. Q: What is the difference between a circus and a brothel ? A: One is full of cunning stunts . Q: Why don't prostitutes vote? A: Because they don't give a damn who gets in. Q: what force does it that to stop an aircraft propeller A: Half a Newton. Q: Why do they have fruit at Italian weddings ? A: To keep the flies off the brides. Q: Why do they have a bowl of shit on the table at Yiddish weddings? A: To keep the flies of the brides face. Q: What is green before it is switched on and green after ? A: A frog in a blender. 'De man wit de nails is cumin ta fix it in da mornin' This down and out fellow is really desparate for a root but he only has $2.83 on him. So he goes into a brothel and explains to the bouncer that he's only go two dollars and eighty three cents but could he possibly fix him up with something. The bouncer tells him to piss off and starts to make moves to throw him out. The little fellow starts to plead with him and explains that he is on the social security and he can't afford any more and that he really really really needs a root. The bouncer, showing some uncommon pity, thinks for a while and then says that if he wants it he can have an old pig (sheep?) that they keep in the back room. The little fellow shreiks in horror and runs out. After a while he gets to thinking that maybe rooting a pig (sheep?) might not really be that bad after all, and anyhow , he was really desparate for a root. So he goes back to the brothel and says that he will have the pig (sheep?). When hh'e finished he is all smiles and he says to the bouncer on his way out that he'll come back next week after he gets his social security cheque and go for something a little bit more human. So the next week he rolls into the brothel with a bran-spanking-new ten dollar note and asks the bouncer what he can get for ten dollars. The bouncer says that he can either have the pig(sheep?) again and get some change or he can spend the full ten dollars and go into the viewing room. This viewing room sounded somewhat interesting so he hands over the ten dollars and is shown into the viewing room by the bouncer. In the viewing room there are all these guys wearing plastic mac overcoats with their hands in their pockets (probably playing pocket billiards), and thay are all starring through this one way glass at this enormous block man with a three foot cock trying to get it into this little Japanese girl's arsehole. The little fellow thinks that this is a bit of all right and says so to the guy standing beside him. The guy beside him says .... " Yes, but you should have been here the other week - there was this bloke in there screwing a pig(sheep?) " How to be succesfull with women. Simply walk up to the woman of your dreams and say ... "How would you like to become a receptical for my semen." If she is going to be any good to you she will immeadiatly jump at the offer (and you). This man kisses his wife and heads of to work early one morning. At about mid morning, he decides to ring up his wife and say hello. He is astounded to hear a mans voice answer th phone. The conversation went something like this .......... "Who the bloody hell are you ?" "Why I'm the plumber" "What the hell are you doing there ?" "I got this call to come out and fix up a blocked drain" "Why didn't my wife answer the phone ?" "I don't know, when I got here the door was open and I couldn't find anybody around, so I thought I'd do the job while I was here and send the bill out later" "Listen mate, can you please go up stairs and see if you can find my wife, I'd like to talk to her" "O.K." There is the sound of the phone being put down and of footsteps walking away. A little while latter there is the sound of footsteps approaching , and of the phone being picked up....... "Hello, are you there. Um, your wife can't come to the phone just now" "Why the bloody hell not ?" "Um, you won't like it if I tell you" "Go ahead, tell me, tell me" "Well , Um, she can't come to the phone because she's in bed screwing with some guy" "Shit, the slut, I always suspected her, the bitch. Listen mate, your only a plumber didn't you say ?" "That's right" "And plumbers don't really make all that much money do they?" "Aw I don't really think they do" "Well how would you like to make five thousand dollars for two minutes wook" "Would I ever, what do you want me to do ?" "All you have to do is look in the cupboard under the stairs, there you'll find a double barrel shot gun and some cartridges. Just load the gun and go up stairs and shoot those two bastards up there." "I don't know about this ..." "I'll pay you in cash" "Cash you say, O.K. I'll do it" There is the sound of the phone being put down and of footsteps walking away. A rustling sound and then the clicking sound of the gun being loaded. The stairs creaked a little as the plumber walked up them to perform his grizzly and grimy task. The man on the other end of the phone hears the sound of a gunshot "BLANG" and a few moments later he hears another shot "BLANG". A little while latter there is the sound of footsteps approaching , and of the phone being picked up....... "Well mate I done it" "Did you kill them both, you didn't just wound them did you" "Nope, I killed them, I got the woman right in the head first and then I got the man as he was climbing out the window. It wasn't a clean shot, but he fell into the swiming pool and when he didn't come up I knew he was dead" "Swimming pool???" "That's right" "Um is that 425 87623 .... " Q: What is transparent and lies in the guter ? A: An aborigine with the shit kicked out of him. Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes? A: No idea. Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? A: still no idea. Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls? A: still no fucking idea. Q: What does a whalrus and tupperware have in common? A: Both like a tight seal. Q: why do jews have turbo-powered motorbikes? A: so they can beat the flies to the tip. Pick the odd word out .... wife , meat , dog , blowjob. Blowjob. You can beat your wife, you can beat your dog, you can beat your meat , but nothing beats a blowjob. How do you keep an arsehole in suspense ? I'll tell you later. What's the definition of analingus ? Tongue in cheek. How can you tell if your walking into a gay church ? Only half the congregation is kneeling. Why do lots of gay men have mustaches ? To hide the stretch marks. How can you tell if your roommate's gay ? When his cock tastes like shit. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? Getting fingered by Captain Hook. Or, getting a blowjob from a Werewolf. Is it better to be born black or gay? ...Black, because you don't have to tell your parents. How do you know when your mother is having a period? ...When your brothers cock tastes of blood. What's the difference between a magician and a chorus line? ...A magician has cunning feats and stunts. What's the only thing used sanitary napkins are good for? ...Tea bags for vampires. How can you tell if a Aboriginal woman is having her period? ...She's only wearing one sock. What's is the latest disease in Poland? ...Toxic Sock Syndrome! Three guys were sitting around in a bar discussing whose wife was the most frigid. Harry was definitely sure he had the worst of it. "Listen you guys," he said, "my wife comes to bed with an ice cube in each hand, and in the morning they haven;t begun to melt." "That's nothing," said Phil. "My wife likes to have a glass of water on the bedside table, but by the time she's carried it in from the bathroom to the bedroom, it's frozen solid." "Aw, hell," said Herb, "my wife is so frigid that when she spreads her legs, the central heating kicks on." Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed in the morning? ...Because they don't have balls to scratch. What does cunalingus and dealing with the Mafia have in common? ...One slip of the toungue and you're in deep shit. Why is it so groovy to be a test-tube baby? ...Because you've got a womb with a view. "If God hadn't meant us to eat pussy, He wouldn't have made it look like a taco." Why do farts smell? ...So deaf people can appreciate them too. How do you pick the blind guy in a nudist colony? ...It's not hard. Did you here about the man who couldn't spell? ...He spent the night in a wharehouse. One night after their proprietor was asleep, the parts of the body was arguing about which had the toughest job. "I've really got it rough," bemoaned the feet. "He puts me in these smelly sneakers, makes me jog until I've got blisters...it's brutal!" "You got nothing to complain about," maintained the stomach. "Last night I got nothing but bourbon, pizza, and aspirin. It's a miracle I kept it together." "Oh quit bitching, you two," moaned the penis. "I'm telling you, every night he sticks me in a dark tunnel and makes me do push-ups until I throw up." What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? ...A dicktater. When Paddy O'Brian died, Father Flannigan was there to console the bereaved widow. "You know, Molly, the whole community is here to help you through this time of sorrow," he said, "and of course you know I'll do anything I can for you." Parting her veil and drying her tear-stained face, the widow whispered a single request in Father Flannigan's ear. The priest blushed scarlet and refused outright, but the widow continued her pleas and finally he gave in. He left, saying, "Give me twenty-four hours." The next day he showed up at the house with something in a brown paper bag. The widow popped the contents into a pot on the stove, and it was boiling away when a neighbour dropped by. "I say, Molly," said the neighbour opening the lid, "isn't that Paddie's penis?" "Indeed it is," said Molly. "All his life I had to eat it his way, and now I'm eating it mine." A naive young priest is moved to a parish in a bad neighbourhood of Sydney and is quite bewildered by the legion of hookers who are constantly approaching him to whisper, "Ten bucks for a blow job, buddy." Finally he can stand being in ignorance no longer, and approaches one of the nuns. "Excuse my presumption, Sister," says the young priest, "but could you please tell me what a blow job is?" "Ten bucks, just like anywhere else," she replied. Who taught Grace Kelly to drive? ...Ted Kennedy. If a stork delivers white babies and a crow delivers black babies, what kind of a bird delivers no babies? ...A swallow. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common? ...They both like a tight seal. Why don't bunnies make noise when they screw? ...They have cotton balls. Why did the British ships come back from the falklands full of sheep? ...War brides. Why did the rooster cross the basketball court? ...He heard the ref was blowing fouls. Why do crabs have circles under their eyes? ...From sleeping in snatches. There was a wealthy old gentleman who desired the services of a prostitute, so he arranged with a massage parlor to sned over their $1000, top-of-the-line girl. She got all doled up, rode over to his fancy apartment building, and was escorted up to his penthouse, where the door was opened by the elderly millionaire himself. "And what can I do for you tonight, sir?" she aksed in her throatiest voice, dropping her fu coat to reveal a slinky lame dress. "Hot tub," he said. So they went into his luxuriously appointed bathroom where she settled him into the tub. "And now, sir?" she asked. "Waves," he said. So she perched herself on the edge of the tub and proceeded to kick vigorously to make waves. "And next, sir?" "Thunder." Obligingly banging her hand against the side of the tub, she felt it necessary to remind him that as he was paying $1000 for her special services, and surely there was some sort of special service she could perform for him. "Yes," he said, "lightining." Kicking her feet in the water, banging on the side of the tub with one, and flicking the light switch on and off with the other, she felt obliged to give it one more shot. "Sir, you know I am a prostitute...Uh, sexual matters are my speciality...Isn't there something along those lines you'd be interested in?" "In this weather?" he said, looking up at her. "Are you crazy?" What's grey and comes in quarts? ...An elephant. Q. What is the most difficult part of a sex change operation ? A. Stitching in the anchovies. Q. How do you know when there is an elephant in your bed ? A. His pyjarmas have an 'E' stitched on the knee. What's green and occasionally found on trees? Elephant snot. What is big and red and eats rocks? The big red rock eater. What is big and red and eats sand? A big red rock eater on a diet. What do you do if a bird shits on your head ? Don't ask her out again. Or ... DO ask her out! Q: What is yellow, smells of bananas and is found on trees ? A: Ape spew Q. Whats' the diference between "smarties" and humans A. Smarties come in six Different colours. Q. What do you do when an elephant comes through your window. A. Swim Q. How many software analysts does it take to change a light bulb. A. None, its a tradesmans problem. Software analysts are far important to do menial tasks. One for all of my tree joke fans: Q. Whats brown and found at the bottom of trees' A. leaves. This poofter goes to a doctor complaining about how he has this terrible wind problem -- It stinks something awfull, but there is absolutely no sound. The doctor asks him a few questions, and gets around to asking him what his boyfriend does for a living. The poofter replies that his boyfriend is an airline pilot (no not pile-et) to which the doctor replies... " Oh that's the problem, Your boyfriend's broken the sound barrier " What's the definition of Italian foreplay?? Maria, I'm home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Q What do you get when you cross a orange with a tulip? A The cows come home ! This bloke walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman notices that he has these terrible scratch marks all down his front , so he inquires what caused them. The bloke replies "I root sheep" . The barman was the kind of bloke that rooted sheep also , and he replied " I root sheep too ,but I never get scratches all over me front , how did it happen to you?" The bloke replies "Well I turn them over one their backs so I can get the tounge in when I'm kissing them" Another oldie!!! A lady with a duck under her arm entered a train and took a seat. The guy sitting opposite said "That's the ugliest pig I ever seen!" The lady replied "It's a duck not a pig" "Shut up," said the drunk, "I was talking to the duck." Well it's better than some!!!! The primary school teacher asked her class if anyone had something for "show and tell". "I have a mousetrap to show teacher", Said little Johnny. Johnny marched up to the front of class and proceeded to explain to the class how his mousetrap worked. "On this board is a piece of cheese and a razor blade mounted on edge". "The mouse comes along, puts his head over the razor blade to reach the cheese, and cuts his head off". "Very good Johnny", said the teacher, "But don't you know that you need some back and forth movement of the razor blade or the object to make it cut". After thinking for a while, Johnny conceeded that he hadn't thought of that. The next day the school teacher asked her class if anyone had something for show and tell. "I have a mousetrap to show", Said little Johnny. Johnny marched up to the front of class and proceeded to explain to the class how his mousetrap worked. "On this board is a razor blade mounted on edge". "The mouse comes along, puts his head over the razor blade, and moves his head back and forth looking for the cheese" Two homosexuals discussing how to give up smoking: One says, "I gave up smoking by sucking lifesavers." The other, "That's fine for you, you live near the beach!" Q: What do Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have in common? A: The same middle name. Q: What do a clitorous and a Swatch watch have in common? A: Every cunt has one. And a *very* old one ... Q: What's the difference between an egg and a beetroot? A: You can beat an egg.