After every question, pause for several minutes looking like you are thinking very hard, and then say "I'm sorry, did you say something?"
Dress extremely neat, in your best suit, put a nice dollop of mustard on your left shoulder, and then keep asking the interviewer "WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?" while pretending nothing is wrong.
Refuse to answer any questions on the basis that they might "Find out too much."
Put your feet up on the table, look at the picture of the interviewer's wife, and ask "So... who's the bitch?"
Blackmail the interviewer with incriminating photos.
Rub your temples and go "ohhh.... the voices....they won't stop..."
Lie about everything.
Fake all your references, make the phone numbers those of a pizza outlet.
Make up fancy job titles. "I was the senior accountable interfacing liason documentatorperson." Refuse to explain your duties because of fear of breaching national security.
Speak in a foreign language, and get agitated when they don't understand you.
If the phone rings, answer it and say "I'll be right there!" and run out the door.
Clip your nails, pick you teeth or do other personal hygiene.
When they ask if you have a criminal record say, "there was that double homicide thing, but they couldn't make it stick."
If they offer you coffee, take it. Speak to it. Make warm, cooing, gurgly noises as you drink it.
Ask if you can use the phone, then call your boyfriend/girlfriend and talk about nothing in particular. Ignore the interviewer.
Release small mammals and amphibians from your pockets and set them on the interviewer's desk.
Rap all your answers.
Ask the interviewer personal questions regarding their sex life, turn-ons, fetishes, etc.
Ask the interviewer for a doobie. If he doesn't have one, offer him one.
Ask the interviewer if you can get more comfortable before they ask you anything else. Undress all the way to your underwear, sit on the interviewer's lap and say "O.K! Ask away!"
Listen to a walkman during the interview. Perform air guitar or drum on the interviewer's desk.
Point out the interviewer's physical imperfections. "Wow, that's a big nose" or "Nice weave, buddy" or "You've _never_ considered plastic surgery?" all work well.
Say, "You really look familiar...Dad?... is that you?!? After all these YEARS!!!" Break into tears and hug the interviewer.
Speak like a radio disc jockey, "I started out with a BANG in 1994, staying on TOP for 10 solid weeks, but soon dropped 3 places... now I'm holding steady and the HITS just KEEP on COMING..." etc.
Justify your lack of ambition with a "solid belief in the virtues of taking it easy and ignoring responsibility."
Notice the interviewer's shoes. Discuss how you like them. Be insistent. Use words like 'contemporary', 'frugal', and 'majestic' in your description.
Tell the interviewer that his secretary wanted to meet him in "the usual spot" and to bring "the handcuffs and other toys." Ask what that means.
Ask if they ever press charges.
If you have to make a presentation, use the opportunity to try out your improv stand-up comedy routine.
Hum really loudly, cover your ears, look away and say "I'm not LISTENING!!! I can't HEAR you!"
Everytime you refer to the interviewer, use the following words in this order: 'Champ', 'Chief', 'Swift', 'Buddy', 'Jerky', 'Dumbass', 'Freak', 'Moron', etc.
Enter the interview like a prize-fighter. Wear a silk robe, bring a manager, a stool to sit on, and a bucket to spit in. Touch gloves with the interviewer before he talks to you. If the interview gets worse, punch his lights out.
Impress the interviewer with your ability to answer all questions in pig latin.
Answer in the form of a question.
Rearrange the furniture in the interviewer's office.
Ask if you can switch chairs with the interviewer. Put your feet up on the desk and then change your mind and switch back.
Use as many sexual innuendos as possible in your answers. Do a lot of winking.
Discuss answers with imaginary friends. Argue with them. Have them vote on issues. Storm out of the room and leave them there with the interviewer.
Pray. Loudly. Make up some patron saint names and chants. Say it's a religious day and then yell "ALLAH!" or "BUDDAH" or another name and drop to your knees every five minutes.
Between answers, talk beneath your breath. Mumble nasty, rude, violent sounding things. If they ask if anything is wrong, smile and say "no no no.." Then do it again.
Tell the interviewer you don't want any money for your job. But tell them you simply MUST have a corporate gold Visa. Do not give out your address of phone number.
Stare at the ceiling during the entire interview. When the interviewer looks up say "Made ya look!" or "Don't bother, there are 86 ceiling tiles, I already counted." or "Are you making fun of me?!?! I have a neck condition!"
