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- *** CHRISTMAS - AND HOW TO AVOID IT ***
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- *** BY GARY SIMMONS ***
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-
- Well summer is over, you know it was that sunny afternoon about 9
- weeks ago, and that means all the sentimental fools in the world
- start opening thier hearts to the world's greatest conman, Santa
- Claus, alias Father Christmas. This man is called somethihg dif-
- ferant all over the world, I ask you how can you trust somebody
- who calls himself so many differant names, only appears once a
- year and likes to bounce little kids on his lap. Think about it.
- Have you ever noticed that every Christmas something gets
- lost and someone says, `We must have thrown it out with the
- wrapping paper'. Forget it, Father bloody Christmas nicked it
- thats what probably happened to it. What makes me think he's
- nicked it?, well how do you explain a man creeping into peoples
- houses in the dead of night on the pretext of leaving presents
- which he takes out of a big sack, which never seems to get empty?
- The reason it never gets empty is because for every present he
- takes out he replaces it with a video, T.V., or the family silver.
- I first had my suspicions 2 years ago and decieded to see what
- response I would get if I stuck a sign on my roof letting him know
- I was'nt as gullible as all the other poor fools. I got a big
- sheet and painted on it, SANTA I'VE TUMBLED YOUR LITTLE GAME and
- draped it over the roof on Christmas Eve. Next morning I came
- downstairs and what did I find, presents...loads of them. I had
- just bought a new bike and there around the tree was every type of
- accessory you could want, puncture repair kit, helmet, drink
- bottle, pump, the lot. Well I certainly had Santa wrong, or so I
- thought. When I went to the garage to go for a spin with my new
- helmet I found the old bugger had nicked my bike.
- Last year I cleared the house out before Christmas Eve so there
- was nothing he could nick. When I came down Christmas Morning, of
- course there were no presents, suited me fine. Throughout the day
- I kept noticing a strange smell, in the end I had to find out what
- it was. It took most of the day but in the end I found it, piles
- of steaming reindeer crap on the roof. After spending 3 hours
- shovelling s**t I vowed revenge.
- This year will be different. I have invented the Santa Zapper.
- This is a metal mesh which fits snugley over the roof and is
- plugged into the mains. It will fry the bastard on touch-down.
- I tested it a couple of weeks ago and after leaving on overnight I
- was very pleased to discover the next morning my house was sur-
- rounded by a cat, fourteen birds and twenty seven varietes of in-
- sect all fried to a crisp. I'm looking forward to venison for
- Christmas dinner - yummy.
- If it works as expected I will start work on a smaller portable
- version for the Tooth Fairy. Anyone interested in one of these can
- contact me through POWER.
-
- GARY
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