No Fragments Archive 10: Diskmags

home *** CD-ROM | disk | FTP | other *** search

/ No Fragments Archive 10: Diskmags / nf_archive_10.iso / MAGS / KELSTAR / KELSTR3A.MSA / TEXT_ELEPHANT.TXT < prev next >

Wrap

Text File | 1989-07-27 | 9.5 KB | 372 lines

ELEPHANT JOKES **************** The definative list of elephant jokes Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant ?? A: With a blue elephants gun, of course ! # # # Q: How do you shoot a red elephant ?? A: No,not with a red elephant gun ! Strangle him until he turns blue and shoot him with a blue elephants gun !! # # # Q: How do you shoot a green elephant ? A: Tell him dirty jokes until he turns red, then strangle him till he turns blue and then shoot him with a blue elephants gun !! # # # Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant ?? A: Have you EVER seen a yellow elephant ? # # # Q: What did tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill ? A: "Here come the elephants over the hill !" # # # Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing dark glasses ? A: Nothing - He didn't recognize them. # # # Q: What did Charles de Gaulle say when he saw three elephants in sunglasses coming down the path ? A: Voila les elephants. # # # Q: What is the difference between a grape and an elephant ? A: A grape is purple. # # # Q: What did Jane say when she saw the elephants over the hill ? A: "Here comes a bunch of grapes over the hill" She was colourblind. # # # Q: What did the grape say when the elephants stood on it ? A: Nothing, it just let out a little whine. # # # Q: Why don't elephants drink martinis ? A: Have you ever tried to get an olive out of your nose ? # # # Q: How do you run over an elephant ? A: Climb up it's tail, dash to it's head and slide down it's trunk. # # # Q: How do you get down off an elephant. A: You don't You get down off a duck. # # # Q: Why do elephants wear green nail polish ? A: So they can hide in a pea patch. # # # Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red, green and orange ? A: So they can hide in smartie boxes. # # # Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow ? A: So they can hide upside down in a custard. # # # Q: Have you ever seen elephants hiding upside down in a custard ? A: No ? That shows you how well they are hidden ! # # # Q: Why do elephants lie on their backs with their feet in the air. A: So they can trip birds. # # # Q: What do you call a six ton elephant walking down the street ? A: Sir !! # # # Q: What do you call an elephant on a bus ? A: A passenger. # # # A: Why are chickens white and elephants grey ? A: So you can tell them from bluebirds. # # # Q: What goes clomp,clomp,clomp, *squish* ,clomp,clomp,clomp, *swish* ... A: An elephants with y wet tennis- shoe ! # # # Q: Why does an elephants have a trunk ? A: Because he doesn't have an glove compartment. # # # Q: How do elephants get up into oak trees ? A: They sit on an acorn and wait. # # # Q: How do elephants get down form oak trees ? A: They sit on a corn and wait. # # # Q: Why do elephants have flat feet ? A: From jumping out of oak trees - they're impatient ! # # # Q: Why do elephants wear sandles ? A: So they do not sink into the sand. # # # Q: Why don't elephants ride bycicles ? A: They don't have thumbs to ring the bell. # # # Q: Why did the elephant wear his blue tennis- shoes ? A: The pink ones were dirty ! # # # Q: Why did the elephant float down the river on it's back ? A: He didn't want to get his tennis-shoes wet ! # # # Q: How do you make an elephant float ? A: Take two scoops of ice-cream, coca cola and one elephant. # # # Q: How do you get an elephant into a matchbox ? A: Take the matches out ! # # # Q: How do you get an elephant into a telephone booth ? A: Open the door. # # # Q: How do you fit four elephants into a mini ? A: Two in the front, two in the back and their trunks in the boot. # # # Q: What sport do elephants play in a mini ? A: Squash. # # # Q: What sound you get when you drop an elephant down a mineshaft. A: A-flat minor. # # # Q: What sound do you get when you drop an elephant into an army camp ? A: A-flat major. # # # Q: What do elephants use for condoms ? A: Dustbin liners ! # # # Q: How do elephants hide in the jungle ? A: They paint their balls orange and stand next to orange trees. # # # Q: What's the loudest thing in the jungle ? A: A native picking oranges. # # # Q: What is the black stuff between the elephants toes ? A: Slow natives. # # # Q: What do the natives do if an elephant comes trough their window ? A: Swim like hell. # # # Q: What's grey and comes in quartz ? A: An elaphant, WHAT ELSE ??! # # # Q: Why can't two elephants go swimming ? A: They only have one pair of trunks between them . # # # Q: Why did the elephant dry the dishes with a blue dish towl ? A: Because they were wet ! # # # Q: How do you fit an elephant into a fridge ? A: Open door, put elephant in , close door ! # # # Q: How do you get a giraffe into the fridge ? A: Open door, remove elephant, put giraffe in, close door ! # # # Q: How do you know you have an elephant in your refrigerator ? A: Footprints in the butter ! # # # Q: How do you know you have two elephants in your refridgerator ? A: Two sets of footprints in the butter ! # # # Q: How do you know you have a third elephant in your refridgerator ? A1: Three sets of footprints in the butter . A2: The door is slightly ajar !! # # # Q: How do you know you have four elephants in your refrigderator ? A: There is a mini parked outside !!! # # # Q: Why do ducks have flat feets ? A: To stamp out forest fires . # # # Q: Why do elephants have flat feets ? A: To stamp out burning ducks !!!!! # # # Q: Why do giraffes have long necks ? A: To spit on burning elephants !!!!!!!! # # # Q: Why don't elephants like blue lace petticoats ? A: Who says they don't like them ? # # # Q: What do you do when you see a hundred elephants coming over the hill? A: Swim for it ! # # # Q: Why do elephants have big ears ? A: boddy wouldn' pay the ransom. # # # Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a mailbox ? A: Well, I would never give him a letter to mail ! # # # Q: Why don't elephants make good policemen ? A1: There is an E on his pajamas. A2: There are peanut shells under the pillow. # # # Q: How do you know there is an elephant under your bed ? A: Your nose is touching the ceiling ! # # # Q: What is grey and lights up ? A: An electric elephant # # # Q: What is grey, has big ears, and a trunk ? A: A mouse going on holidays. ! # # # Q: What is the difference between a plum and an elephant ? A: They're both purple ; except for the elephant . # # # Q: Dow do you stop a herd of elephants from charging ? A: Take away their credit-cards. # # # Q: Why do elephants wear sneakers ? A: To quiet their landing when the jump out of oak trees. # # # Q: Why is it dangerous to get in the jungle between two and four o'clock ? A: That's when the elephants jumps out of the oak trees. # # # Q: Why are the pygmies so small ? A: They went in the jungle between two and four o'clock in the afternoon ! # # # Q: Why is there a nine o'clock curfew in the jungle ? A: So the elephants can practise jumping out of the oak trees. # # # Q: Why do crocodiles have flat noses ? A: They didn't stick to the curfew. # # # Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside ? A1: Campbell's cream of elephant soup. A2: an inside out elephant.