Media Share 9/MEDIASHARE_09.ISO/mag&info/comrel1.zip/COMREL1.TXT

Text File | 1988-08-12 | 8KB | 146 lines

                                S_T_A_Y_I_N_G_ _A_H_E_A_D_

    Murphy's Famous Law - If anything can go wrong, it will - is said to have
entered history in 1949 at Edwards Air Force Base, when a malfunctioning
strap transducer moved a Capt. Murphy to his highest eloquence.  Other truths
attributed to Murphy are:  Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.  Everything
takes longer than you expect, and, left to themselves, things always go from
bad to worse.
    Since Murphy's extraordinary leap into immortality, many imitators have
sought in similar manner to plumb the human condition.  Perhaps the most
successful was British historian C. Northcote Parkinson, who found that work
expands to fill the time allotted to it.  Next in notoriety is the
(Lawerence) Peter Principle, that in every hierarchy each employee tends to
rise to his level of incompetence.
    Lesser known, but just as penetrating, are all the slippery laws of
money.  Those and other pearls have been collected by Paul Dickson, whose
book, "The Official Rules," will be published Nov. 27 by Delacorte Press.
    For example, there's Parkinson's Second Law, which states that
expenditures rise to meet income.  Further refined by Dunn's Discovery - that
the shortest measurable interval of time is the time between the moment you
put a little extra aside for a sudden emergency and the arrival of that
emergency.
    This state of affairs is summed up in Gumperson's Law:  that after a rise
in salary you will have less money at the end of each month than you had
before.
     With regard to products, Graditor's Laws:  (1) If it can break it will,
but only after the warranty expires, and (2) A necessary item only goes on
sale after you have purchased it at the regular price.  To which, add Dyer's
Discovery:  it's easy to tell when you've got a bargain - it doesn't fit.
And Herblock's Law:  It it's good, they'll stop making it.
    Car owners are well acquainted with Hartman Automotive Laws:  (1) Nothing
minor ever happens to a car on the weekend.  (2) Nothing minor ever happens
to a car on a trip.  (3) Nothing minor ever happens to a car.
    Which brings me to Goldwyn's Law of Contracts:  A verbal contract isn't
worth the paper it's written on.
    Law-giving actually precedes Murphy by a good many centuries.  Samuel
Butler  knew that all progress is based on the innate desire for every
organism live beyond its income.  Josh Billings similarly admonished:  Live
within your income, even if you have to borrow to do it.
    Another great name in the field is Finagle.  His unique contributions
came in the area of science, but Finagle's Laws on Information apply equally
to understanding financial transactions:  (1) The information you have is not
what you want.  (2) The information you want is not what you need.  (3) The
information you need is not what you can obtain.  (4) The information you can
obtain costs more than you want to pay.
    The difference between rich and poor is sharply caught by Getty's
Reminder, that the meek shall inherit the earth but not its mineral rights.
Followed by the Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:  Whoever has the gold makes
the rules.
    Donohue's Law says that what's worth doing is worth doing for money.  And
Goldfarber's Law, that under any system a few sharpies will beat the rest of
us.
    On pocketbook matters, everyone has to keep his eyes open.  It's Gross's
Law that when two people meet to decide how to spend a third person's money,
fraud will result.  As in O'Doyle's Corollary:  No matter how many reporters
share a cab, and no matter who pays, each puts the full fare on his own
expense account.
    Woody Allen said that the lion shall lay down with the lamb, but the lamb
won't get much sleep.  To which add Clopton's Law:  For every credibility gap
there's a gullibility fill.
    The Checkbook Balancer's Law holds that in matters of dispute, the bank's
balance is always smaller than yours.  But if you think the problem is bad
now, Epstein adds, just wait until we've solved it.
    Finally, Quinn's Law:  The reader interest generated by any newspaper
column is inversely proportional to the importance of its subject.
                            D_O_N_K_E_Y_ _R_A_C_I_N_G_ _I_N_ _T_E_X_A_S_

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told that there
was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter him in
the race.

However, at the local auction the going prices for horses was so steep that
the preacher ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in
the races, and to his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day, the racing form carried this headline:

                            "PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS"


The preacher was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the races
again.  This time he won and the form read:

                        "PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT"


The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity he ordered the preacher
not to enter the donkey in another race.  The newspaper headline that day:

                      "BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS"


This was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of
the animal.  The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The headline the next day read:

                          NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN"


The bishop fainted.  He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of
the donkey, and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy the animal
for ten dollars.  The next day's headlines stated:

                       "NUN PEDDLED ASS FOR TEN BUCKS"


They buried the Bishop the next day.
                             T_H_E_ _H_A_L_L_O_W_E_E_N_ _P_A_R_T_Y_

    The husband and wife were invited to a Halloween party so the wife got
some costumes for both of them.  On the night of the party, she developed a
terrible headache and told her husband to go without her.  He protested, but
she said all she was going to do was take a couple of aspirins and go to bed,
and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not attending.  So he
got into his costume and off he went.

    The wife after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awoke without a sign
of pain and as it was just a little after nine, she decided to go to the
party.  Inasmuch as her husband didn't know what kind of costume she was
wearing, she thought it would be a good thing just to slip into the party and
observe how he acted when she wasn't around.

    This she did... and as soon as she joined the party, the first one she
spied was her husband, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with
first one slick chick and then another... copping a little feel here and
there.  So, the wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe
herself, he left his partner standing high and dry and devoted his attention
to the new stuff that had just arrived.  She let him go as far as he wished
(naturally) and finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear.  This
she agreed to, and they went out to one of the cars parked nearby... etc.,
etc.!!

    Just before the unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home and
got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation her husband would make as to
his behavior.  He arrived home at about 1:30 AM and came right into the
bedroom to see how she was.  She was sitting up in bed reading and asked,
"What kind of time did you have?"  He said, "Oh, the same old thing.  You
know I never have a good time when you aren't there."  Then she asked, "Did
you dance much?"  And he answered, "Well, I'll tell you, I never danced a
dance.  When I got there, Pete Jones, Bill Brown and some of the other guys
were stag too, and we went into the den and played poker, but I'll tell you
one thing... that fellow I loaned my costume to sure had a hell of a good
time!!"